Late Night Retro Television Review: 1st & Ten 2.1 “The Rookies”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing 1st and Ten, which aired in syndication from 1984 to 1991. The entire series is streaming on Tubi.

This week, the 2nd season begins!

Episode 2.1 “The Rookies”

(Dir by Bruce Seth Green, originally aired on August 25th, 1986)

It’s time for another season of Bulls football and …. hey, where did everyone go?

As soon as the opening credits for the first episode of the second season started, I noticed that there were quite a few people missing.  Delta Burke, Reid Shelton, Prince Hughes, and Cliff Frazier were all listed.  However, not listed were Geoffrey Scott, Sam Scarber, Clayton Landey, Ruta Lee, Marshall R. Teague, Michael V. Gazzo, and Robert Miranda.  That’s the majority of the cast!

Instead of Geoffrey Scott’s veteran quarterback Bob Dorsey, we now have Jason Beghe as rookie quarterback Tom Yinessa.  We now have Stan Kamber as assistant coach Fred Griner.  We now have Marcus Allen as rookie running back Rick Lambert.  And, as the veteran running back T.D. Parker, we have …. O.J. SIMPSON!

Oh yeah, this isn’t going to be awkward.

O.J, only appears for a few minutes in this episode.  As T.D. Parker, he talks to his wife about how much he loves playing football and how he feels that he has one more season left in him as the Bulls’s starting running back.  Uhmm …. I thought Carl Witherspoon was the Bulls’s running back.  All last season, Carl was the Bulls’s running back.  What the Hell is T.D. Parker talking about?  Is he delusional?  Maybe he’s a crazed fan who just thinks that he was the running back last year.  All of that said, T.D. does come across as being a very nice guy and definitely someone who you can trust to slash his way through all of the ego and hype surrounding professional football.

(Probably not coincidentally, the other Bulls assistant coach is played by A.C. Cowlings, who was a friend of O.J.’s.  Remember A.C?)

Anyway, this episode deals with rookie training camp.  While the veterans get a week off, rookies like Tom Yinessa try out for the Bulls.  Yinessa played football in the Army and the only reason he’s being given a tryout is because “Captain Pete” is a friend of Denardo’s.  Denardo is shocked to discover that Yinessa is a good quarterback but he’s already got two veteran quarterbacks and Diana has signed a deal to bring in a third.  Denardo is forced to cut Yinessa.  Yinessa smashes the mirror in Denardo’s office and says that he’s done Denardo a favor because now Denardo won’t have to face what’s he done.  Okay, weirdo….

Yinessa returns to his job at the auto yard and Bulls football continues!  While hotshot rookie Rick Lambert continues to ask for more money before he’ll even show up at training camp, Diana is informed that the players are threating to strike if the League institutes mandatory drug testing.  Diana says a strike will bankrupt the team.  Why are the Bulls always on the verge of going bankrupt?  Diana needs to hire better people to look after the books.

Here’s my prediction for the rest of the season!  Yinessa will be back because he’s in the opening credits.  And, whatever problems may come up, O.J. Simpson will always cut right to the heart of the matter.

As for this particular episode, it got the job done.  It re-introduced us to the team and, even more importantly, it seemed to signal that all of the nonsense from the first season — the Mafia, Diana’s ex-husband and all the rest of it — was over with.  The show is ready to move on so let’s give it more of a chance than Coach Denardo gave Tom Yinessa.

Horror on TV: Hammer House of Horror #13: The Mark of Satan (dir by Don Leaver)


Tonight, we have the final episode of Hammer House of Horror and it is a macabre one indeed!  A morgue attendant (Peter McEnery) becomes obsessed with both the number nine and a recently deceased neurosurgeon who died after trying to drill a hole in his own head in an attempt to let out all of his evil thoughts.  McEnery finds himself becoming consumed by disturbing thoughts as well.  Is he going mad or is he somehow seeing what no one else can see?  This episode is effectively creepy and not for the squeamish.

It originally aired on December 6th, 1980.

 

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 6.22 “Abby’s Maiden Voyage/He Ain’t Heavy/I Like To Be In America”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

Love, life’s sweetest reward….

Episode 6.22 “Abby’s Maiden Voyage/He Ain’t Heavy/I Like To Be In America”

(Dir by Jerome Courtland, originally aired on February 26th, 1983)

When Abby (Mary Beth McDonough) boards the boat, her best friend (Constance Forslund) informs Julie that this cruise will be Abby’s “first time.”  She may be setting sail a virgin but she won’t be returning one.  Julie is too coked up to care.  Abby meets Neil (Brodie Greer), who is handsome and nice but, whenever they start to fool around, Abby starts laughing and the mood is killed.  At the end of the voyage, Abby is still a virgin but she and Neil are now a couple.

Spoiled high school grad Jimmy (Michael J. Fox) boards the boat with his adoptive parents (Don Porter and Barbara Billingsley) and almost immediately makes an enemy out of a waiter named Greg (Gregg Henry).  We’ve never actually seen Greg on the show before but Isaac acts as if Greg has been working on the boat forever.  Jimmy later realizes that Greg is his older brother, the one who he hasn’t seen since their parents died and Jimmy was adopted.  At first, Greg refuses to accept that Jimmy is his brother but, by the end of the cruise, they embrace.  Awww!  Actually, considering that Gregg Henry and Michael J. Fox look absolutely nothing alike, I can understand why Greg had his doubts.  That said, if he’s been on the boat for as long as this episode implies, Greg has surely seen another long-lost siblings just happen to find each during a cruise.  It happens at least once every season.

Speaking of once every season, it’s time for April Lopez (Charo) to take her annual voyage.  Though April is returning to Mexico, she wants to become an American citizen.  Good for her!  America rocks!  Unfortunately, she struggles with the oral exam.  Judge Kramer (Esther Rolle) realizes that April will be able to remember the answers if she sings them so she gives April the examination while April is performing in the Acapulco Lounge.  The audience loves it because who doesn’t love paying money for an expensive cruise just so you can spend the final night watching someone take a citizenship exam.

(For the record, in high school, I tutored one student who was about to take his exam because he was like really hot but he couldn’t remember how many years were in a Congressional term.  I taught him to think of it as 2-4-6.  Two for the House.  4 for the President.  6 for the Senate.  He became a citizen and sent me flowers and then he moved to Idaho.)

This week’s cruise was a bit bland but I’m glad April became a citizen of the greatest country in the world.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Pacific Blue 3.2 “Ties That Bind”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Pacific Blue, a cop show that aired from 1996 to 2000 on the USA Network!  It’s currently streaming everywhere, though I’m watching it on Tubi.

This week, the bike patrol continues to be largely ineffective.

Episode 3.2 “Ties That Bind”

(Dir by Sara Rose, originally aired on August 10th, 1997)

TC is excited because Jeff Pierce has moved to Santa Monica.  I had no idea who Jeff Pierce was but the show explained that he was some sort of professional bike rider.  Even if Jeff Pierce hadn’t been credited as “himself,” I would have guessed that he was a professional athlete just by how bad of an actor he was.

Pierce needs help retrieving his pink competition shirt.  TC and Victor help him out.  That was nice of them.  Pierce challenges the thief to a race and the thief is so excited about getting to race Jeff Pierce that he doesn’t even mind when he gets arrested at the finish line.  He even gets an autographed picture of Jeff Pierece!

Meanwhile, Gloria Allred also appears as herself.  She appears as an advocate for a group of women who are protesting the release and the return of former serial killer Conway Henriksen (Marc Riffon).  Conway has spent ten years in a mental hospital and he says that he’s now reformed.  However, after he gets harassed by some of his former victims (apparently, he didn’t kill everyone) and his house house is set on fire, Conway snaps and kidnaps Cory’s best friend, Billie (Rainer Grant).  Conway thinks that Billie is his abusive mother and he starts quoting from the Bible and the overacting gets a bit embarrassing.  Finally, Conway shoots himself.

Now, this storyline had potential.  Conway was sincere in his desire to start his life over again but the harassment campaign pushed him over the edge.  Unfortunately, because this is Pacific Blue, the idea of the people trying to protect their neighborhood from a serial killer pushing the guy into becoming just that was left largely unexplored.  Instead, everyone just breathes a sigh of relief after Conway shoots himself.

Finally, Chris’s real father (Kent McCord), shows up at headquarters and explains to Chris that, despite what her mother told her, he didn’t actually die in Vietnam.  Instead, he’s been working as a commercial pilot and now he wants to get to know Chris.  Chris, of course, acts like a total bitch about it, especially after she discovers that he’s married and that Chris has a teenage half-sister who is as much of a sullen brat as she is.  Still, Chris eventually forgives her father for having a life and the episode ends with Chris and her real father going sky-diving.  This episode missed an opportunity to have Gloria Allred and Jeff Pierce join them in jumping out of the plane.  That would have been classic Blue.

It’s just another day in L.A.

Horror On TV: Hammer House of Horror #12: The Two Faces of Evil (dir by Alan Gibson)


On tonight’s episode of Hammer House of Horror, a family picks up a hitchhiker.  A subsequent tragedy leaves a wife wondering if her husband is actually her husband.  This is a creepy and twisty episode that is guaranteed to inspire just a little paranoia.

This episode originally aired on November 29th, 1980.

ALFRED HITCHCOCK PRESENTS (TV Series) – S7, E18: “The Woman Who Wanted to Live,” starring Charles Bronson and Lola Albright!


Charles Bronson appeared in three episodes of the ALFRED HITCHCOCK PRESENTS T.V. series. His first two appearances came in the first season in early 1956 when Bronson was still in the early stages of his career. When “The Woman Who Wanted to Live” aired on February 6th, 1962, Bronson’s standing in the film and television community had risen dramatically. Since those first two appearances, he had headlined several low budget films (MACHINE GUN KELLY and SHOWDOWN AT BOOT HILL), starred in his own television series (MAN WITH A CAMERA), and even co-starred as one of the seven gunmen in the western classic, THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN! As opposed to those two early appearances, Bronson was a well known commodity to audiences in 1962, and he was on the precipice of breaking out in even bigger roles, as THE GREAT ESCAPE and THE DIRTY DOZEN were just over the horizon!

In “The Woman Who Wanted To Live,” we meet escaped convict Ray Bardon (Charles Bronson), a hardened criminal who was shot in the arm when busting out of prison. In serious pain and in need of some quick cash and a getaway vehicle, Bardon robs a remote gas station, even killing the attendant when he makes a move for his gun. Soon a beautiful young woman named Lisa (Lola Albright) drives up to the station. Bardon wants to steal her car and take off, but surprisingly Lisa, who sees his wounds, convinces him to let her drive him wherever he wants to go. As Bardon wonders why she’s willing to help him, Lisa assures him that she will do whatever he wants her to do as she just wants to stay alive. As they flee into the night, they have to deal with a flat tire and a gang of dangerous thugs, but Lisa continues to help Bardon and even passes up a couple of opportunities to take off to safety. Why is Lisa so invested in Bardon’s survival? If you’re guessing there’s more to the story, you would definitely be right! 

After watching all three of Charles Bronson’s episodes of ALFRED HITCHCOCK PRESENTS, I believe that “The Woman Who Wanted To Live” just may be the best of the bunch. It’s not as creepy as “And So Died Riabouchinska,” and it certainly doesn’t play up the black comedy like “There Was An Old Woman,” but it does pack quite the emotional punch. First, the story is very effective, as we watch the bond that seems to be developing between the escaped criminal and his captive. You can’t help but wonder if we may be watching two twisted souls who may actually need each other. Hitchcock was always good at throwing people into desperate situations together, and script definitely goes that route here. In the short 25 minutes contained in this episode, each character is given the opportunity to truly help the other, as she helps mend his wounds and he protects her from roadside thugs with bad intentions. Even as the two help each other, as the story plays on, a tightening grip seems to take hold on the audience as to why Lisa hasn’t escaped when she’s had her chances. The strength of the episode just may be the fact that when the big reveal happens, it’s as plain as the nose on your face even though I never considered it a single time, something I have in common with our criminal, Frank Bardon. Second, this episode features two excellent performances from the stars. Interestingly, Charles Bronson and Lola Albright would appear together in the Elvis movie, KID GALAHAD, later this same year. As usual, Bronson brings a real world intensity to the role of the wounded and desperate criminal. With his lived in features, Bronson is incapable of presenting himself in a way that doesn’t seem true and authentic, whether he’s playing a cop or a killer, and his presence here is a clear indicator of his impending stardom. In a tribute to Albright’s performance, the two stars have quite a nice chemistry together, and she steals the final scenes as her character transforms right in front of our eyes and we understand why she’s refused to run away.

With its strong script and the excellent lead performances from Bronson and Albright, I easily recommend “The Woman Who Wanted To Live” as a superior episode of ALFRED HITCHCOCK PRESENTS. This episode truly surprised me and has lingered with me since I first watched it a few days ago. 

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 7.14 “Lady of the house/Mrs. Brandell’s Favorites”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984.  The show is once again on Tubi!

Justice for Tattoo!

Episode 7.14 “Lady of the House/Mrs. Brandell’s Favorites”

(Dir by Bob Sweeney, originally aired on February 25th, 1984)

This was one of the Fantasy Island episode that was not on my DVR.  However, now that the show is once again streaming in its entirety on Tubi, I was still able to watch it. Lucky me.

This is probably the worst episode of Fantasy Island that I’ve ever seen.

This episode gets off to a bad start with Mr. Roarke informing Lawrence that there will only be one guest with a fantasy this week.  That guest is Esther Brandell (Polly Bergen).  Whenever there’s only one guest and that guest is played by a middle-aged actress who was big in the 50s and the 60s, you know you’re about to spend an hour watching an hour of awkward melodrama that you’re supposed to excuse by saying, “She was great in Kisses For My President!”

Mrs. Brandell says that she’s a former sorority house mother who wants her three favorite sorority girls to be her bridesmaids at her wedding.  Actually, Mrs. Brandell was a former madam and the three “sorority girls” all worked for her.  Bebe (Lauren Tewes), Coleen (Randi Oakes), and Lynn (Shelley Smith) have all moved on and want to keep their past a secret.  Over the course of the episode, each will admit the truth to their current partner and each will realize that Mrs. Brandell really did protect and care about them.

This episode basically features the same scene over and over again.  Each of the girls works up the courage (or the anger) to admit that they were once a prostitute.  Their significant other reacts.  One guy tries to blackmail Mrs. Brandell.  Another reveals that he knew all along because “I’m an investigative reporter.”  Bebe’s idiot boyfriend (Dick Gautier) refuses to believe Bebe and insists that she sleep with another man for money so that he’ll be convinced.  What?  Bebe realizes that’s not her lifestyle anymore and she really does love her idiot boyfriend, the same one who pimped her out to some random guy on the Island.

And, through the whole thing, Polly Bergen delivers her lines in a voice that sounds like she just finished smoking a pack of cigarettes.  The truth of the matter is that Bergen is absolutely lousy in the role but the script is probably as much to blame as Bergen herself.  Every scene feels like it’s been cribbed from an old Barbra Stanwyck melodrama.  At the end of the episode, the vice cop (Robert Brown) who used to bust her shows up at the wedding.  “Everybody freeze!” he says.  Oh, thank God, everyone’s getting busted for overacting.  Oh wait — Mrs. Brandell (a widow) is marrying him!

The episode ends with the wedding, which would be touching if any of these characters were actually interesting.  Lawrence gives away the bride because I guess they had do something to justify paying Christopher Hewett’s salary.

This was not a good trip to the Island.  Is this season over yet?

Late Night Retro Television Review: CHiPs 4.17 “New Guy In Town”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing CHiPs, which ran on NBC from 1977 to 1983.  The entire show is currently streaming on Prime!

This week, there’s a new cop on the beat!

Episode 4.17 “New Guy In Town”

(Dir by Arnold Laven, originally aired on March 15th, 1981)

Ponch is upset because the new rookie on the team, T.C. Hunsacker (Joseph Hacker), is just too perfect.  He’s still on probation but he’s already good at his job.  He’s a professional.  He’s got a good sense of humor.  He’s a good bowler.  He’s as comfortable talking about classical music as he is talking about cars.  He’s not arrogant.  He’s nice to everyone.  Everyone likes him.  Ponch cannot stand that TC doesn’t seem to have a flaw.

Yeah, Ponch, it’s kind of annoying when someone knows everything and can do anything, isn’t it?  Seriously, who does this Hunsacker fellow think he is when we all know that this is….

Ponch has other things to be concerned about, though.  Martin Beck (Chris Connelly) and Lina Beck (Jenny O’Hara), the brother and wife of someone who died while being chased by Ponch and Baker, are determined to get revenge by killing both of them.  Baker is nearly taken out in a hit-and-run.  Ponch nearly gets blown up in his car.  Fortunately, TC was there to tell Ponch not turn the key in the ignition.  TC noticed some wires on the ground and immediately realized there was a bomb in Ponch’s engine….

Wow, is there nothing TC cant do!?

I really am starting to see Ponch’s point.  TC really is too good to be true.  According to the imdb, this was the only episode in which he appeared.  I know that Larry Wilcox and Erik Estrada apparently were not getting along during the filming of CHiPs and that Wilcox was threatening to leave the show because he thought the producers favored Estrada over him.  Maybe this episode was meant to set up Hunsacker as a possible replacement in case Wilcox did leave.  That’s really the only reason I can think of for this show to have devoted so much time to a character who has never been seen before and who, apparently, will never be seen again.

The focus on TC made this an uneven episode but there were a few good chase scenes and a slow-motion van crash.  And really, that’s all that one can really ask from this show.  An exciting chase can make up for a lot!

Horror On TV: Hammer House of Horror #11: Visitor From The Grave (dir by Peter Sasdy)


For tonight’s horror on television, we have the 11th episode of Hammer House of Horror!  This atmospheric episode features Kathryn Leigh Scott as a woman who fears that she is being haunted by the ghost of a would-be rapist that she earlier killed.  Simon MacCorkindale plays her husband, who has secret of his own.

This episode originally aired on November 22nd, 1980.

Retro Television Review: Miami Vice 5.2 “Redemption In Blood”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing Miami Vice, which ran on NBC from 1984 to 1989.  The entire show can be purchased on Prime!

This week, Sonny Burnett continues his reign of terror!

Episode 5.2 “Redemption in Blood”

(DIr by Paul Krasny, originally aired on November 11th, 1988)

When last we checked in with Miami Vice, Sonny thought he was a drug lord named Sonny Burnett and he was firing his gun at Tubbs, who he had just recognized as a cop.  This episode reveals that Sonny didn’t shoot Tubbs.  Instead, he aimed at a wall, firing while Tubbs made his escape.

Working with the psychotic Cliff King (Matt Frewer), Sonny takes over his late boss’s drug empire and continue to fight a war against El Gato (Jon Polito).  El Gato is meant to be a “flamboyant” drug dealer, which is a polite way of saying that Polito overacts through the entire episode.

The show hedges its bets by having Cliff commit all of the murders while Sonny rises to power.  In fact, when Sonny catches Cliff torturing two of El Gato’s men, Sonny orders Cliff to stop and then offers them jobs in the Burnett operation.  Amazingly, over the course of the entire three-episode Burnett arc, Sonny manages to get through the whole thing only killing people in self-defense.  Even the cop that he killed at the end of the previous season was a dirty cop who had been sent to kill him.  I get that the show couldn’t take Sonny totally over to the dark side but it’s still hard to believe that Burnett took over the Miami underworld without getting his hands a bit more dirty than he did.

A car bomb (courtesy of El Gato) knocks Sonny unconscious and, when he wakes up, he suddenly starts to remember who he actually is.  Finally realizing that his name is Crockett, Sonny turns himself into the Vice Squad and is promptly arrested while Kate Bush sings, “Don’t give up.”  Sonny tells Castillo, Switek, and Tubbs that he’s ready to acccept the consequences of whatever he did during his previous bout of amnesia.  But then Sonny escapes custody and sets up both Cliff and El Gato for a great fall so I guess he wasn’t totally ready to turn himself in and head off to prison.

Tubbs, who now trusts Sonny, helps him take out Cliff King and the Burnett organization.  Sonny shoots Cliff to save Tubbs.  With Tubbs dangling off of a walkway, Sonny pulls him back up to safety.  Sonny then goes back to his mansion where he and his girlfriend (Debra Feuer) are taking hostage by a gun-wielding El Gato.  “Where is the safe?” El Gato demands.  Sonny tricks El Gato into thinking the safe is in the room where he keeps his pet panther.  (Apparently, all drug lords were given either a tiger, a panther, a cheetah, or a leopard.)  El Gato gets mauled to death as the episode ends.

This episode suggests that Sonny is going to be let off the hook because he finally remembered he was.  I don’t really think that it would really work like that.  Sonny has multiple warrants out and he also killed a cop, albeit a corrupt one.  If Sonny isn’t on trial in next week’s episode, I’m going to be a little annoyed.

This episode ended the Burnett trilogy about as well as it could be ended.  The idea that all Sonny needed was to survive a second near-fatal explosion made me smile.  What if El Gato hadn’t tried to blow him up?  I guess it’s a good thing that he did!  While Polito went overboard, Matt Frewer gave a very good performance as the villainous Cliff King.  It’s a bit of a shame that he died so dramatically because Cliff would have made a good recurring villain.

This episode was definitely better than anything from season 4.  It’ll be interesting to see how the rest of season 5 plays out.