Tonight, I’ve decided to share a bonus hour of televised horror. Tonight, we present to you an episode of Baywatch Nights that originally aired on February 9th, 1997. In this one, two 900 year-old Vikings are causing chaos in Los Angeles! Who can stop them?
David Hasselhoff, of course!
(You can read my review of this beautifully odd episode here. Valhalla!)
Oh no! Halloween might be canceled because people just aren’t scared of the old monsters! Dracula (Judd Hirsch) calls all of the classic creatures to a meeting in his castle (where they all happen to be freeloading) and give them an ultimatum. Be more scary! It turns out to be easier said than done.
This originally aired in 1979 but, for people of a certain age, it achieved a certain immortality thanks to regular airings on the Disney Channel. It’s a cute show. It might seem a little bit corny today but that’s a large part of its appeal. It’s a reminder of a more innocent time.
Warren the Werewolf, by the way, was named after Warren “Werewolves of London” Zevon.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing St. Elsewhere, a medical show which ran on NBC from 1982 to 1988. The show can be found on Hulu and, for purchase, on Prime!
This week, Peter White goes on trial.
Episode 2.20 “Cramming”
(Dir by Tim Matheson, originally aired on May 2nd, 1984)
Dr. Peter White finally goes on trial, charged with raping Kathy Martin and assaulting Wendy Armstrong. For his attorney, he hires the same lawyer (Conrad Janis) who previously made the case against him at his disciplinary hearing. The lawyer asks Kathy Martin about her own reputation at St. Eligius. (“How many times have you had sex in the morgue?”) Peter himself manages to pass a lie detector test. (Sociopaths don’t have the same physical reactions to telling a lie as normal people.) In the end, Peter is acquitted.
Shirley Daniels blames Kathy for the acquittal, saying that she should have come forward earlier. As for Wendy, she deals with the trauma by binging and then purging. When one of her patients miscarries after being admitted to the hospital, it’s determined that Wendy carelessly missed a heart murmur. When Wendy argues that she’s been under pressure due to the trial, Dr. Craig points out that Wendy missed the heart murmur before the trial even started. Wendy breaks down into tears.
I have to admit that Wendy Armstrong has never been one of my favorite characters on this show. She’s the type of doctor who most people would dread having to deal with. She knows all of the technical stuff but she has absolutely no idea how to relate to patients and she gets defensive whenever anyone disagrees with her. Even if she hadn’t been attacked by Peter White, it seems like it was inevitable that she would eventually end up overlooking something with one of her patients. That said, my heart still broke for her in this episode. One gets the feeling that she’s one bad day away from breaking.
This episode ends with all of the residents taking their National Board exams. The residents know that five of them will be cut from the program. Having been acquitted, Dr. White approaches Westphall and Auschlander and announces that he doesn’t have any hard feelings towards them and he hopes that they’ll give him a fair shot. “I’m innocent,” he lies.
Dr. Ehrlich is also nervous about his exams, cramming everything he can into his last minute study sessions. His Aunt Cherise (Louise Lasser) comes to visit and help him deal with the end of his marraige to Roberta but Ehrlich is able to dump her off on Dr. Westphall. After having an awkward dinner with the eccentric Cherise, Westphall realizes that he’s not ready to start dating again.
This episode left me reeling, to be honest. The acquittal of Peter White was a gut punch. I know he’s guilty. Everyone in the hospital knows that he’s guilty. But he’s acquitted. Kathy Martin’s name is drugged through the mud. Wendy Armstrong has gone from being determined to self-destructive. But Peter White has not only gotten away with his crimes but he’s now apparently convinced that he can go back to being a doctor at St. Eligius. And who knows? He probably can. It’s a messed up world. It was messed up in 1984 and it’s messed up today.
Next week, we’ll find out which residents made the cut!
Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Highway to Heaven, which aired on NBC from 1984 to 1989. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi and several other services!
This week’s episode is massively confusing.
Episode 4.18 “We Have Forever: Part Two”
(Dir by Michael Landon, originally aired on February 17th, 1988)
Picking up from last week, an embittered Jonathan is no longer an angel. Instead, he’s a mortal man who can’t get a job because he doesn’t have any references. (The idea is that Jonathan can’t explain that he’s spent the last 40 years working for God. But, over the past four and a half seasons, he’s had numerous jobs where he helped people out. Couldn’t he have listed some of those people are references?) However, Jonathan is happy because he’s fallen in love with Jennifer (Leann Hunley), the woman that he saved from drowning last week.
Meanwhile, Mark is actually making an effort to help people by working at the camp for the blind where he and Jonathan worked earlier in the season. (Actually, why couldn’t Jonathan ask for a job at the camp? The more I think about it, Jonathan not being able to get a job makes less and less sense.)
Jennifer, however, has a secret of her own. At the end of the episode, she leaves Jonathan a note, in which she explains that she’s actually Joan, Jonathan’s late wife. Jonathan was upset because he felt God was keeping him from seeing Joan in Heaven. Instead, it turns out that Joan — like Jonathan — has been assigned to work on Earth as an angel. So, the two months that Jonathan spent with Jennifer was actually God giving Jonathan a chance to spend time with Joan but, for some reason, no one told Jonathan that was what was happening so Jonathan got mad and walked out on God. But then, Jonathan changes his mind after learning that Joan is Jennifer but instead of asking to work with Joan/Jennifer, Jonathan goes back to working with Mark.
Seriously, I’m having a hard time following some of the logic here.
That said, despite all the lapses in logic, this episode still made me cry. Admittedly, I’ve been feeling under the weather today so maybe that’s why I was so emotionally susceptible to this episode. Or maybe it’s just the fact that Highway to Heaven is such an overwhelmingly earnest and sincere show that even the episodes that shouldn’t work somehow do. All I know is that I was sobbing by the end of this episode.
The important thing is that, at the end of the episode, Jonathan and Mark have a new assignment and drive off. Wait, I thought Mark had a job. Way to abandon all those blind children, Mark!
Perhaps it’s best not to think too hard about this episode and just accept it for being the tear jerker that it was.
You know producer Buck Houghton had high hopes for the opening episode of Season 3 of THE TWILIGHT ZONE when it aired on September 15, 1961. It stars up and coming actors of the time, Charles Bronson and Elizabeth Montgomery, who were all over TV screens in the 50’s and early 60’s, with Bronson emerging as a strong character actor in movies as well. The two would be major stars within a few years, but they weren’t quite there yet.
This episode, titled “Two,” opens with “The Woman” (Elizabeth Montgomery), who is wearing a tattered dark military uniform, wandering into a bombed out, deserted city, and spotting the remains of a restaurant. Tired and hungry, she goes in and digs around until she finds an old can of chicken. As she’s opening the can, “The Man” (Charles Bronson), who’s wearing a tattered, light-colored uniform, walks in on her. Immediately attacking him with a combination of meat cleavers, bottles, pots and pans, The Man tries to hold her off until if becomes clear that he’s going to have to subdue her, which he does with one vicious punch that knocks her out cold. At this point it’s clear that these are the last two remaining survivors of a devastating war, on opposing sides no less, that completely destroyed the world. When The Man wakes The Woman up by dumping a pot of cold water on her face, he gives her back her chicken and tells her that there is no reason to fight anymore, as everyone else is dead. She doesn’t understand what he is saying so he walks off in frustration. The Woman doesn’t trust The Man, but she begrudgingly starts to follow him around to keep an eye on him. Will they kill each other? Will they join forces to survive? Could they even fall in love? Writer-Director Montgomery Pittman answers all of these questions over the course of the episode’s brisk 25 minutes.
The allegorical “Two” was a bold choice to open the popular TV show’s third season with its minimalist production set in a few sections of a single bombed-out town and featuring only two characters who barely even speak, especially Montgomery, who says two words throughout the entire episode. Not that much really happens either, so it’s the type of episode that lives or dies based on the performances of the lead actors, and Bronson and Montgomery both deliver outstanding work. Bronson, a dependable character actor at this point in his career, is especially good as The Man. His square-jawed stoicism unravels enough to reveal a weary vulnerability and desire for a connection with another person, even when they’re supposed to be mortal enemies. It’s ultimately a romantic part and Bronson kills it. For those who mostly know Bronson from his post DEATH WISH action star roles, parts like this are a revelation. Montgomery, still a few years away from beginning her iconic portrayal of Samantha in BEWITCHED, is quite beautiful even when she’s this grimy. Her performance as The Woman is even more challenging as it’s almost completely a physical performance, and she shines as her character transforms over the course of the episode.
Ultimately, “Two” may resolve its setup a little too quickly to be realistic, but I still enjoyed it immensely. The performances are outstanding and its hopeful denouement left me with a smile on my face.
Tonight’s televised horror is The Cloning of Clifford Swimmer. Peter Haskell stars as Clifford Swimmer, an angry jerk who is unhappy with his marriage. He’s come up with a plan, though. He’s going to have himself cloned and then, after leaving his clone with his family, he’ll be free to live his life. However, Swimmer discovers that things never work that simply when it comes to creating a clone. This is a clever story with a great twist at the end.
It originally aired on November 1st, 1974 as a part of ABC’s The Wide World of Mystery. Unfortunately, whoever uploaded this film to YouTube has disabled playback so you’ll have to click on the link to watch it!
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Decoy, which aired in Syndication in 1957 and 1958. The show can be viewed on Tubi!
This week, Casey pursues her neighbor and nearly dies.
Episode 1.8 “Escape Into Danger”
(Dir by Teddy Sills, originally aired on December 2nd, 1957)
Casey Jones (Beverly Garland) returns home from a night shift, hoping to get some rest so that she can get over a bad cold. (I’ve had enough bad colds that I’m fairly confident that Garland herself was suffering from a cold when she filmed this episode and it was written into the script.) She discovers that her neighbor, Mary (Madeline Sherwood), has hit her abusive and drunken husband across the back of his head. Mary is convinced that she’s killed her husband and is terrified that she’ll go to jail. When Casey informs her that her husband is just knocked out and that everything is going to be okay, Mary doesn’t believe her because Casey is a cop and a cop will say anything to make an arrest. While Casey is in her apartment calling for an ambulance, Mary flees the scene.
Mary’s husband does die but he dies of acute alcohol poisoning so Mary’s off the hook. (Apparently, this episode take place in a world where assault isn’t a crime.) Despite her cold, Casey takes to the streets and searches for Mary. Knowing that Mary is masseuse, Casey checks out all the massage parlors. In a move that kind of makes me wonder if Casey is really that good at her job, she decides that she might as well get a massage as well.
The woman who gives Casey the massage is Katy Olin (Virginia Kaye), who is Mary’s sister and a bitter ex-con who hates all cops. While Katy massages Casey, Mary hides in the changing room. When Casey says that she’s looking for Mary, Katy has Mary sneak out of the dressing room and choke Casey into unconsciousness. Mary steals Casey’s gun and then makes her escape.
A few thoughts:
First off, after years of being spoiled by shows like Law & Order, I have to say that I was initially surprised that Casey didn’t know that Mary had a sister or that the sister was an ex-con. But then I remembered that this episode was filmed in 1957, back before all of that information was available at just the touch of a key.
That said, what type of police officer is going to get a massage while on duty? Even if Casey had looked up from the massage table and seen Mary trying to escape the room, what was Casey going to do? Chase her through the streets of New York while wearing a towel? Also, Casey often seems to just drop her purse anywhere, despite the fact that her purse contains a loaded gun.
Third, Katy mentions to Mary that there’s no way for her to leave the room without walking right past Casey. So, how did Mary get into the room in the first place and how come Casey didn’t notice her when she first arrived?
Fourth, once Casey wakes up, she takes Katy down to the police station. Katy’s interrogated and refuses to answer any questions. She asks if she’s being charged with anything and, because she’s not, she’s allowed to go. Is she not an accessory for hiding Mary and then just standing by while Mary attempted to murder a police officer?
Katy decides that the best thing for Mary to do would be to hide out in her old apartment, the one that is next door to the police officer who Mary just tried to strangle. (Neither Katy nor Mary appear to be that smart.) Casey, of course, discovers that two of them hiding there. She and the neighborhood priest (John McLiam) talk Mary into putting down the gun. They assure her that she did not kill her husband. Mary finally believes that Casey is telling the truth….
….which is all good and well except Mary ASSUALTED A POLICE OFFICER! Indeed, one could argue that what Mary did to Casey counts as attempted murder. So, really, it seems like Mary should be going to jail regardless. Unfortunately, we never learn about what happened to Mary after she stop pointing the gun as Casey. If I was Casey, I would prefer a neighbor who hasn’t tried to kill me.
This episode didn’t really make sense but I’m glad that Casey got over her cold by the end of it.
Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing 1st and Ten, which aired in syndication from 1984 to 1991. The entire series is streaming on Tubi.
This week, the 2nd season begins!
Episode 2.1 “The Rookies”
(Dir by Bruce Seth Green, originally aired on August 25th, 1986)
It’s time for another season of Bulls football and …. hey, where did everyone go?
As soon as the opening credits for the first episode of the second season started, I noticed that there were quite a few people missing. Delta Burke, Reid Shelton, Prince Hughes, and Cliff Frazier were all listed. However, not listed were Geoffrey Scott, Sam Scarber, Clayton Landey, Ruta Lee, Marshall R. Teague, Michael V. Gazzo, and Robert Miranda. That’s the majority of the cast!
Instead of Geoffrey Scott’s veteran quarterback Bob Dorsey, we now have Jason Beghe as rookie quarterback Tom Yinessa. We now have Stan Kamber as assistant coach Fred Griner. We now have Marcus Allen as rookie running back Rick Lambert. And, as the veteran running back T.D. Parker, we have …. O.J. SIMPSON!
Oh yeah, this isn’t going to be awkward.
O.J, only appears for a few minutes in this episode. As T.D. Parker, he talks to his wife about how much he loves playing football and how he feels that he has one more season left in him as the Bulls’s starting running back. Uhmm …. I thought Carl Witherspoon was the Bulls’s running back. All last season, Carl was the Bulls’s running back. What the Hell is T.D. Parker talking about? Is he delusional? Maybe he’s a crazed fan who just thinks that he was the running back last year. All of that said, T.D. does come across as being a very nice guy and definitely someone who you can trust to slash his way through all of the ego and hype surrounding professional football.
(Probably not coincidentally, the other Bulls assistant coach is played by A.C. Cowlings, who was a friend of O.J.’s. Remember A.C?)
Anyway, this episode deals with rookie training camp. While the veterans get a week off, rookies like Tom Yinessa try out for the Bulls. Yinessa played football in the Army and the only reason he’s being given a tryout is because “Captain Pete” is a friend of Denardo’s. Denardo is shocked to discover that Yinessa is a good quarterback but he’s already got two veteran quarterbacks and Diana has signed a deal to bring in a third. Denardo is forced to cut Yinessa. Yinessa smashes the mirror in Denardo’s office and says that he’s done Denardo a favor because now Denardo won’t have to face what’s he done. Okay, weirdo….
Yinessa returns to his job at the auto yard and Bulls football continues! While hotshot rookie Rick Lambert continues to ask for more money before he’ll even show up at training camp, Diana is informed that the players are threating to strike if the League institutes mandatory drug testing. Diana says a strike will bankrupt the team. Why are the Bulls always on the verge of going bankrupt? Diana needs to hire better people to look after the books.
Here’s my prediction for the rest of the season! Yinessa will be back because he’s in the opening credits. And, whatever problems may come up, O.J. Simpson will always cut right to the heart of the matter.
As for this particular episode, it got the job done. It re-introduced us to the team and, even more importantly, it seemed to signal that all of the nonsense from the first season — the Mafia, Diana’s ex-husband and all the rest of it — was over with. The show is ready to move on so let’s give it more of a chance than Coach Denardo gave Tom Yinessa.
Tonight, we have the final episode of Hammer House of Horror and it is a macabre one indeed! A morgue attendant (Peter McEnery) becomes obsessed with both the number nine and a recently deceased neurosurgeon who died after trying to drill a hole in his own head in an attempt to let out all of his evil thoughts. McEnery finds himself becoming consumed by disturbing thoughts as well. Is he going mad or is he somehow seeing what no one else can see? This episode is effectively creepy and not for the squeamish.
It originally aired on December 6th, 1980.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!
Love, life’s sweetest reward….
Episode 6.22 “Abby’s Maiden Voyage/He Ain’t Heavy/I Like To Be In America”
(Dir by Jerome Courtland, originally aired on February 26th, 1983)
When Abby (Mary Beth McDonough) boards the boat, her best friend (Constance Forslund) informs Julie that this cruise will be Abby’s “first time.” She may be setting sail a virgin but she won’t be returning one. Julie is too coked up to care. Abby meets Neil (Brodie Greer), who is handsome and nice but, whenever they start to fool around, Abby starts laughing and the mood is killed. At the end of the voyage, Abby is still a virgin but she and Neil are now a couple.
Spoiled high school grad Jimmy (Michael J. Fox) boards the boat with his adoptive parents (Don Porter and Barbara Billingsley) and almost immediately makes an enemy out of a waiter named Greg (Gregg Henry). We’ve never actually seen Greg on the show before but Isaac acts as if Greg has been working on the boat forever. Jimmy later realizes that Greg is his older brother, the one who he hasn’t seen since their parents died and Jimmy was adopted. At first, Greg refuses to accept that Jimmy is his brother but, by the end of the cruise, they embrace. Awww! Actually, considering that Gregg Henry and Michael J. Fox look absolutely nothing alike, I can understand why Greg had his doubts. That said, if he’s been on the boat for as long as this episode implies, Greg has surely seen another long-lost siblings just happen to find each during a cruise. It happens at least once every season.
Speaking of once every season, it’s time for April Lopez (Charo) to take her annual voyage. Though April is returning to Mexico, she wants to become an American citizen. Good for her! America rocks! Unfortunately, she struggles with the oral exam. Judge Kramer (Esther Rolle) realizes that April will be able to remember the answers if she sings them so she gives April the examination while April is performing in the Acapulco Lounge. The audience loves it because who doesn’t love paying money for an expensive cruise just so you can spend the final night watching someone take a citizenship exam.
(For the record, in high school, I tutored one student who was about to take his exam because he was like really hot but he couldn’t remember how many years were in a Congressional term. I taught him to think of it as 2-4-6. Two for the House. 4 for the President. 6 for the Senate. He became a citizen and sent me flowers and then he moved to Idaho.)
This week’s cruise was a bit bland but I’m glad April became a citizen of the greatest country in the world.
Through the Shattered Lens 