Lisa Marie’s Week In Television: 5/7/23 — 5/13/23

Posted on May 13, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Accused (Tuesday Night, FOX)

The season finale of Accused started out strong but, towards the end, it felt like propaganda for euthanasia. Plus, the big twist — i.e., the accused taking the blame for a crime that was actually committed by a loved one — was one that the show had already done before. It’s a bit early for this show to be repeating itself. That’s one reason why I think Accused would be well-served by having a regular set of writers and a regular set of directors as opposed to bringing in new people for each episode. That said, Keith Carradine gave a powerful performance as the man on trial. The first season of Accused was extremely uneven but hopefully, they’ll work out the kinks by the time the second season begins.

Barry (Sunday Night, HBO)

The rumors were true! There has indeed been a time jump and Barry and Sally are now living in the middle of nowhere and raising their son, John. Sally, who now wears a dark wig and works as a waitress, is miserable and, on Sunday’s show, nearly strangled a guy. Barry is oddly obsessed with Abraham Lincoln. Barry spends a lot of time with John and obviously considers himself to be a good father but, ultimately, Barry is just as manipulative towards his son as Monroe Fuches was towards him. When Sally came across a news story about Gene Cusineau coming out of hiding to consult on a Barry Berkman biopic, Barry replied, without hesitation, “I have to kill Gene Cusineau.” That’s where this week’s unsettling episode of Barry ended.

As I watched this week’s episode, it occurred to me that if someone ever did decide to do a new version of The Shining, Bill Hader would be an ideal Jack Torrance.

Beavis and Butt-Head (Paramount Plus)

Episodes that feature both the young and the old Beavis and Butt-Head are so depressing. It’s so easy to laugh at them when they’re young and they’re trying to plant cigarettes and destroying the community garden. But then you see what the future has waiting for them. Butt-Head’s a fat alcoholic and Beavis looks like he’s about 70 years old when he should just be in his 40s. It’s sad but it’s also funny. I do take some comfort in the fact that Beavis and Butt-Head always seem to be blissfully unaware of how terrible their lives truly are. Beavis never seems to give up hope.

Bubblegum Crisis (YouTube)

I watched an episode on Saturday morning but, to be honest, I was half asleep. All I know for sure is that a lot of stuff blew up.

Forgive or Forget (YouTube)

On Sunday, I sat through three episodes of this old 90s talk show on YouTube. A son demanded that his mother apologize for robbing him. (She didn’t.) A man told his fiancée that he was an exotic dancer just for her to then reveal that she was a stripper. (The audience went crazy.) A woman demanded that her friend apologize for “sleeping with my first love.” (“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” the friend replied.) Mother Love said to never forget the power of forgiveness.

On Friday, I watched one more episode. A woman begged another woman to forgive her for backing out of an adoption arrangement. No one was forgiven. Mother Love started to cry.

Jury Duty (Freevee)

I absolutely loved this 8-hour, semi-improvised comedy about jury duty. Essentially, the series followed one guy as he took part in a very strange court case and got to know his fellow jurors (including James Marsden, who played a comedic version of himself). The catch was that everyone else in the court room was an actor and our hero was being filmed without even knowing it. It was wonderfully weird, funny, and ultimately rather sweet. It helped that the main guy, Ronald Gladden, came across as being incredibly likable and nice, even when James Marsden went out of his way to annoy him. Give Marsden an Emmy!

Law & Order (Thursday Night, NBC)

This was a pretty dumb episode this week. Cosgrove got shot by this week’s suspect after the suspect got out on bail. Because he was captured at the scene, everyone knew who shot Cosgrove but, at the trial, no one brought up the fact that the suspect had shot a cop and, unless I missed it, I don’t think he was ever charged with shooting Cosgrove either. Instead, Price was worried he wouldn’t be able to get a conviction on the crime that the guy was originally accused of and I was just like, “Uhmm, he shot a cop while trying to kill the state’s main witness against him. Isn’t that pretty good evidence that the cops were onto something when they arrested him?”

Cosgrove considered retiring and going to Florida but, at the end of the episode, it appeared that he was planning on staying in New York. I got the feeling that entire storyline was just included as some sort of “That that!” to Florida. But, honestly, Cosgrove is 50 years old and politically and culturally conservative. Why wouldn’t he want to move to Florida?

The Love Boat (Paramount Plus)

I wrote about this week’s episode here!

The Master (Tubi)

Since Freddy’s Nightmares is no longer available on Tubi, I decided to watch and review all 13 episodes of this 80s ninja show instead. You can read my review of episode 1 here!

Mystery Science Theater 3000 (Tubi)

Apparently, after the show went off the air, NBC edited the first two episodes of The Master together and they released the result theatrically under the name Master Ninja One. And then, years later, the guys at Mystery Science Theater 3000 watched Master Ninja One and spent a lot of time pointing out Lee Van Cleef’s stunt double. Anyway, I watched the Mystery Science Theater version on Thursday, after I finished writing up my review of The Master. It made me laugh!

Night Court (Tuesday Night, NBC)

The season came to an end much as I predicted it would. Abbi and Rand broke up. Dan went to Louisiana and became a judge but I imagine he’ll be back whenever season 2 starts because, if there was anything that was consistent about the first season, it’s that the action always grinds to a halt whenever John Larroquette isn’t onscreen.

Sally Jessy Raphael (YouTube)

I watched an episode on Monday night. Sally talked to parents who had out-of-control children. The kids were forced to take part in the Scared Straight program. Did it do any good? Probably not.

Survivor (Wednesday Night, CBS)

I wrote about this week’s episode over at Reality TV Chat Blog!

The Traitors (Peacock)

I binged this enjoyably silly reality show over the course of the week. Basically, a combination of newbies and reality TV vets moved into a Scottish castle and tried to figure out which of the three of them had been designated as “traitors” by host Alan Cumming. The traitors could “kill” a guest every night. (Well, not literally.) I was happy to see Survivor’s Cirie Fields do well and outlast Big Brother‘s Rachel Reilly. “I’m an icon!” Rachel exclaimed at one point. (Truth be told, I may complain about Rachel whenever she shows up on yet another reality show but she knows exactly what the audience wants from her and she plays her role well so good for her!)

Retro Television Reviews: California Dreams 5.10 “Babewatch” and 5.11 “Love Letters”

Posted on May 13, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing California Dreams, which ran on NBC from 1992 to 1996. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

This week, Sam gets cast on the world’s number one TV show and Lorena and Sly finally get together!

Episode 5.10 “Babewatch”

(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on November 9th, 1996)

Babewatch has come to Pacific Coast High School!

Babewatch, we’re told, is the world’s most popular television show. It’s all about attractive people running on the beach and defusing bombs. Hmmmmm, I wonder what show this is based on. All of the Dreams are really excited about the prospect of being on the show! Mark, Sly, and Lorena get lessons from Tiffani on how to be believable as surfers. Meanwhile, Tony performs “Next Big Thing” (a.k.a. He’s So Funky!) for the Babewatch producers, hoping that they’ll give him a role on the episode. However, the producers are far more impressed with Sam. I guess they really liked the way she shouted, “He’s so funky!” during the song.

Tony freaks out over the prospect of Sam having to kiss the star of the show but he needn’t worry. Sam rejects the TV star’s advances and says that she loves only Tony. Personally, I’m not sure if she made the right choice. Tony is a nice guy but he’s just a drummer in a garage band that has an out-of-date sound. This other guy is the star of Babewatch!

This was a pretty standard episode, one that felt a bit more like a Saved By The Bell story than an episode of California Dreams. But any episode that features “He’s so funky!” is worth watching and rewatching.

Episode 5.11 “Love Letters”

(Dir by Don Barnhart, originally aired on November 16th, 1996)

Graduation is approaching and the Dreams are thinking about the things that they regret having never done. (They’re only 17. Just wait until they hit 30!)

Sam and Tony regret that they didn’t enter a dance marathon.

Mark regrets that he never stood up to the coach that’s always making him run extra laps.

Tiffani regrets being rude to a boy who wouldn’t stop asking her out.

Jake regrets not playing the bagpipes.

Lorena regrets …. nothing. Good for her!

And Sly regrets never telling Lorena how he feels about her.

So, they all decide to do something about those regrets. Jake learns to play the bagpipes. Tiffani apologizes to her former admirer and quickly comes to regret it as he goes out of his way to remind her of why she was rude in the first place. Sam and Tony dance everywhere and look adorable while doing it. And Sly starts sending Lorena unsigned love notes. Lorena falls in love with her secret admirer but Sly worries that she’ll still hate him even if he reveals the truth.

However, when another guy tells Lorena that he’s the one who sent the notes, Sly realizes he has to tell her the truth. Unfortunately, Lorena doesn’t believe him. However, when the other guy can’t think of anything impressive to say about Jake’s bagpipe performance, Lorena realizes that Sly was telling the truth. The episode ends with them sharing their first kiss and the audience going wild. Yay!

This episode is great, largely because it’s the one where Sly and Lorena finally realize that they belong together. They may both be greedy and self-centered but they do love one another and care about their friends. They’re as perfect a match as Sam and Tony. I have no regrets about loving this episode.

Retro Television Reviews: The Master 1.1 “Max”

Posted on May 12, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing The Master, which ran on NBC from January to August of 1984. Almost all nine of the show’s episodes can be found on Tubi!

My original plan was to follow-up Half Nelson by reviewing Freddy’s Nightmares. Unfortunately, Freddy’s Nightmares has been removed from Tubi and it’s not currently streaming anywhere else. Hopefully, some other site will soon feature it or it will eventually return to Tubi and I’ll be able to review the show in the future.

While I was looking for another show to review, I came across The Master. The Master ran for 13 episodes in 1984. It featured Lee Van Cleef as John Peter McAllister, a ninja traveling across America and searching for his daughter. Helping out McAllister is Max Keller, a young drifter who owns a groovy van and who is played by Timothy Van Patten. (Van Patten, who has since become a much in-demand director, is probably best known for playing Stegman in Class of 1984.) Since The Master had a short run and everyone loves ninjas, I decided to add it to our retro television schedule!

Episode 1.1 “Max”

(Dir by Robert Clouse, originally aired on January 20th, 1984)

“My name’s Max Keller and this is how I usually leave a bar.”

So opens the first episode of The Master. The voice over is courtesy Max Keller (Timothy Van Patten), a young drifter who drives across America in a van with a pet hamster named Henry as his main companion. And the way that Max usually leaves a bar is through the front window. In this case, Max is tossed through a window by a bunch of bikers. Max responds by sabotaging all of their bikes so, when they try to chase after him as he drives off in his van, all of the bikers are thrown from their bike and onto the hard pavement of the road. I would think that this would kill most of the bikers but Max doesn’t seem to be too concerned about that. Instead, he just has a good laugh as he drives away. Oh, Max!

Meanwhile, in Japan, John Peter McAllister (Lee Van Cleef), “the man who would change my life,” (to quote Max’s voiceover) is preparing to return to America for the first time in years. McAllister moved to Japan after World War II and is the only American to have been trained in the ninja arts. (Why the ninjas would be so eager to train an American after the way World War II ended is not explained.) McAllister has just found out that he has a daughter who he has never met. (How did he find out? Again, it’s not explained.) He wants to return home so that he can find her. However, Osaka (Sho Kosugi), a former student of McAllister’s, is determined to kill him for breaking the ninja code. McAllister manages to escape Japan with only a slight wound courtesy of a throwing star. Osaka decides to follow him.

Back in America, a young woman named Holly Trumbull (a very young Demi Moore) runs out into the middle of a country highway and is nearly run over by Max. Max stops his van just in time and offers Holly a ride. It turns out that Holly is being pursued by the evil Sheriff Kyle (Bill McKinney). She explains that Sheriff Kyle tried to rape her, which is information that Max just kind of shrugs off. He manages to outrun the Sheriff and takes Holly back to the airport that is managed by her father, Mr. Trumbull (Claude Akins).

Max apparently (I say apparently because the episode’s editing is so ragged that it’s often difficult to tell how much time has passed from one scene to the next) spends a few days working at the airport and trying to date Holly. When he attempts to give Holly a kiss, she backs away from him and explains that she’s still not comfortable with being kissed after nearly being raped the town’s sheriff. “I’m sorry,” she says. Max, being a bit of a jerk, gets annoyed and says, “That makes three of us. Henry was just starting to like you.” After saying that he’s going to go somewhere to see if “my luck improves,” he goes to the local bar to unwind.

Also at the bar is John Peter McAllister! McAllister knows that his daughter came through Mr. Trumbull’s airport and he wants to show her picture to the people in the bar. For some reason, the bartender doesn’t want him to do that. When Sheriff Kyle, who is also in the bar, discovers that McAllister is carrying a samurai sword in his suitcase, the sheriff tries to arrest him. When a bar fight breaks out, Max fights alongside McAllister and they even manage to steal the sword back from the sheriff. Bonded by combat, Max and McAllister become fast friends. Before you know it, Max is agreeing to drive McAllister across the country as long as McAllister trains Max how to be a ninja.

But first, an evil developer named Mr. Christensen (Clu Gulager) is determined to run the Turnbulls off their land. After Christensen is not moved by an impassioned speech by Max and instead tries to blow up the airport, it’s time for Max and McAllister to invade Christensen’s office and fight a bunch of guards. Osaka also shows up at the office so we get a lengthy fight scene between Sho Kosugi and Lee Van Cleef’s stunt double. (McAllister dons his head-to-do ninja costume before doing any fighting, so we don’t actually see his face while he’s doing in any of his amazing ninja moves.) While Osaka and McAllister are fighting, Max defeats Christensen by throwing a ninja star at him and hitting him in the chest. I would think that would be murder but who knows. Maybe the blade narrowly missed Christensen’s heart and he was just unconscious. Or maybe Max’s just a sociopath.

Somehow, this leads to the Turnbulls getting to keep the airport. McAllister and Max drive off together, in search of America.

What a messy episode! Obviously, this episode had to get a lot done in just 48 minutes. It had to introduce Max and McAllister, it had to explain why they were traveling together, and it also had to give them an adventure. I guess I shouldn’t feel surprised that the episode felt a bit rushed but still, there were so many unanswered questions. For instance, why is Max driving across the country in a van? How did McAllister find out that he had a daughter? Why didn’t he know that he had a daughter before hand? Did McAllister’s daughter actually come through the town or not? How did Osaka track down McAllister? Where did Max learn to fight before he met McAllister? Why is McAllister so quick to agree to take Max under his wing? Why is Max so quick to drive a strange old man across the country?

As for the cast, Lee Van Cleef appears to be a bit frail in the role of McAllister. (He would died 5 years after The Master went off the air.) Timothy Van Patten comes across as being bit manic as Max. Personally, I would be worried about getting into a van with Max because he doesn’t really seem to have much impulse control. As for the guest cast, Demi Moore gives a strong performance as Holly but the character vanishes from the episode after finally giving Max a kiss. Claude Akins and Clu Gulager only get a few minutes of screentime and are both stuck with stock roles. Akin is the honest working man while Gulager is the corrupt businessman. Billl McKinny is properly hissable as the bully of a sheriff. And Sho Kosugi looks annoyed with the whole thing.

The first episode was not that promising but who knows! Maybe the show will improve as it goes along. We’ll find out next week!

Retro Television Reviews: City Guys 4.22 “Dating Games” and 4.23 “Wager Money Go”

Posted on May 11, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Thursdays, I will be reviewing City Guys, which ran on NBC from 1997 to 2001. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

This week, Cassidy develops a crush on Chris while Jamal deals with a gambling problem! Didn’t we already do all of this?

Episode 4.22 “Dating Games”

(Dir by Frank Bonner, originally aired on December 9th, 2000)

It’s time for the Valentine’s Day dance! Why did the Valentine’s Day episode air in December?

Cassidy is upset because she doesn’t have a boyfriend. Dawn asks Cassidy why she doesn’t just hook up with Chris since they do things together all the time and Chris is totally in love with her. In fact …. hey, remember last week when everyone got drunk and Cassidy announced on national television that she liked Chris? I guess Cassidy doesn’t because she tells Dawn that she and Chris are just good friends. “I need a boyfriend!” Cassidy announces. Dawn tells Cassidy that she’s too much into image and what other people will think. Cassidy doesn’t hear her because she’s too busy checking out Jordan, the hottest guy at the school. Dawn says that Jordan only dates girls who are on the rebound so Cassidy decides that she needs to pretend to date someone and fake break up with them so that she can go out with the guy she really likes.

Paging Chris!

After pretending to date Chris and then staging their breakup, Cassidy hooks up with Jordan and Chris hooks up with a girl named Linda. However, Cassidy realizes that she actually likes Chris more than Jordan so she breaks up with Jordan. At the dance, Dawn tells Chris that Cassidy likes him so Chris heads over to Cassidy’s penthouse and finally — FINALLY! — the two of them declare their love for each other. Awwwwww!

Despite a silly B-plot involving Ms. Noble teaching a meditation class and an A-plot that involved everyone being kind of stupid, this was actually a pretty good episode by City Guys standards. Maybe I’m just a sucker for romance. Chris and Cassidy are a cute couple.

Episode 4.23 “Wager Money Go”

(Dir by Frank Bonner, originally aired on December 9th, 2000)

“Yo, Jamal,” Al says, “this gambling is making you whack!”

And indeed it is! Jamal has developed a gambling problem. He’s spending all of his time at a “backroom gambling joint,” where he plays craps while a local gangster watches. Jamal swears to everyone that he has a system and he can’t lose. However, he spends almost the entire episode losing. It’s amazing that Jamal got addicted that quickly without actually being any good at the thing to which he got addicted. After his friends get tired of him borrowing money from them, he steals it from the register at work. Unfortunately, L-Train has just started working at the diner and he gets blamed for the missing money. L-Train is out of a job and Jamal loses all of his friends. Fortunately, Jamal comes clean, learns an important lesson, and that’s that.

While this is going on, Cassidy and Dawn make a documentary about Ms. Noble. It turns out that Ms. Noble is kind of boring so Dawn and Cassidy try to create a crisis so they can get Ms. Noble doing something exciting on film. There is a funny moment in which Ms. Noble refers to her husband as being “Bobby” before quickly correcting herself as saying, “I mean, Billy.” I’m going to guess this was unscripted. By the time this episode was shot, not even the cast could be bothered to remember the name of Ms. Noble’s husband. Otherwise, this was yet another B-plot that revolved around how creepily obsesses all of the students were with Ms. Noble.

This was another one of those episodes where a well-established character, Jamail in this case, was required to start acting in a way that was totally out-of-character just so an important lesson could be learned. It wasn’t terrible but it wasn’t particularly memorable either. Do gambling joints, even illegal ones, regularly allow high school students in to play craps? That would seem like more trouble than its worth.

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 2.13 “El Kid/The Last Hundred Bucks/Isosceles Triangle”

Posted on May 10, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

Welcome aboard! Get ready for tonal whiplash on this week’s episode of The Love Boat!

Episode 2.13 “El Kid/The Last Hundred Bucks/Isosceles Triangle”

(Dir by Allen Baron, originally aired on December 9th, 1978)

Wes (David Madden) and Renee Larson (Dena Dietrich) are happy to be setting sail with their friend and business partner, April (Rue McClanahan). They’re even more excited when the widowed April meets Van Milner (Dabney Coleman), a recently divorced businessman. Not only is April falling in love with Van but it also appears that Van might even be willing to join the board of April’s hospital and invest some of his money into fixing the place up. Except, of course, Van lost his job over a year ago and he really doesn’t have that much money left. April is crestfallen to discover that Van is not the wealthy man that she believed him to be. Was he just romancing her for her money? When Van wins a few thousand dollars at the craps table, he donates the money to the hospital and April realizes that he was being honest about his feelings towards her.

This was a pretty predictable story and April was way too quick to forgive Van for his dishonesty but it was interesting to see an actor like Dabney Coleman, someone who brought a naturally cynical edge to any character that he played, on a show like The Love Boat. As played by Coleman, Van seemed to be suffering from very real inner pain. For once, the emotional drama on The Love Boat felt, if not quite real, then at least credible.

Speaking of pain, that’s what Larry (Robert Urich) and Cybill Hartman (Heather Menzies) had waiting for them when they took the Love Boat to Mexico so they could adopt a baby. Upon arriving at the local orphanage, they were told that the mother of their baby had changed her mind and would not be giving up her baby after all. Instead, Larry and Cybill left with 12 year-old Pepito (Gabriel Melgar), a little brat who steals Larry’s watch and sells it on the boat. When Larry gets upset, Pepito grabs an inflatable lifeboat and prepares to jump overboard. Fortunately, Larry and Cybill talk him out of it and he agrees to be their son and to stop stealing stuff. This was an annoying story, largely because Pepito was so whiny. It was hard not to feel that Larry and Cybill deserved better than having to raise Pepito.

Finally, Julie’s friend, Karen Maynard (Connie Stevens), boards the boat and both Captain Stubing and Doc Bricker spend the entire voyage pursuing her because it’s not like the Captain and the ship’s doctor would actually be expected do their job while the ship is floating in the middle of the ocean. Gopher, Ike, and Julie take bets on who Karen will choose but, in the end, Karen chooses neither because both Doc and Stubing decide to respect the other’s feelings and stop pursuing Karen. This whole storyline was silly because there was really no doubt about who Karen would have picked. Seriously, anyone who is a passenger on a cruise is automatically going to fall for the captain because the captain is the most powerful person on the boat. But, on the plus side, the storyline showed off the chemistry between all of the show’s regulars. It was likable, even if it never quite felt plausible.

This was an episode about which I had mixed feelings. The three storylines were so tonally dissimilar that they didn’t really seem that they all should have been happening on the same cruise. Plus, Pepito was the most obnoxious orphan since the kids on One World. I’m glad things worked out for Dabney Coleman, though.

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 2.21 “Yesterday’s Love/Fountain of Youth”

Posted on May 9, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

Smiles, everyone, smiles! It’s time to take a trip to Fantasy Island!

Episode 2.21 “Yesterday’s Love/Fountain of Youth”

(Dir by George McCowan, originally aired on March 17th, 1979)

Tattoo has the hiccups so Mr. Roarke pops a brown paper bag beside his head and scares the Hell out of him. Tattoo loses his hiccups and Roarke get the joy of tormenting his assistant.

As for the fantasies, they both involve youth and aging.

Charles (Craig Stevens) and Peggy Atwood (Eleanor Parker) met in 1944, when he was in the Navy and she was a member of the USO. Now, over thirty-years later, Charles wants to open a bait shop and Peggy wants to get a divorce. Their children pay for Charles and Peggy to take a trip to Fantasy Island, where Mr. Roarke has recreated the period in which they first met. He’s also invited all of their old friends to come celebrate Peggy and Charles’s anniversary. Unfortunately, one of those friends is the totally arrogant Brick Howard (Guy Madison), to whom Peggy was engaged before meeting Charles. It quickly becomes apparent that Brick wants a second chance and that, unlike Charles, Brick has bigger plans than spending his retirement selling fishing bait.

Will Peggy leave her husband for Brick Howard? Or will she decide that running a bait shop sounds like a great way to spend her twilight years? You’ll have to watch the show to find out …. or you can read the next paragraph.

Of course, Peggy stays with Charles! It wouldn’t be Fantasy Island if the ending wasn’t a happy one. Add to that, when has anyone named Brick Howard not turned out to be a cad? As you can guess, this fantasy was a bit predictable but the cast of veteran actors were all likable and they gave it their all. This fantasy was simple but pleasant.

As for the other fantasy, world-famous explorer Jeff Bailey (Dennis Cole) needs money so Mr. Roarke arranges for him to be hired by aging millionaire J.J. Pettigrew (Lew Ayres). J.J. has heard rumors that the fabled Fountain of Youth can be found on an island near Fantasy Island. He offers to pay Bailey a million dollars if he can find it. Of course, Bailey does find the Fountain but he also discovers that the Fountain is guarded by a fierce tribe of headhunters. The headhunters have no intention of allowing anyone else to have any of the water’s fountain. The headhunters may be intimidating but they also believe that a polaroid camera can steal their soul. Bailey threatens to take all of their pictures at one point and tells them that J.J. possesses “white man magic.” Seen today, it’s a bit awkward to watch. To be honest, I imagine it was a bit awkward in 1979 as well.

Using his canteen, Bailey steals some of the water from the fountain but, while he and his girlfriend (Mary Louise Weller) are fleeing the natives, he loses the canteen. J.J. has a heart attack and appears to be dead but, at the end of the episode, Roarke announces that J.J. is expected to survive and he’s written Bailey a check for a million dollars. Bailey found the fountain and that was their agreement. So, I guess that all worked out.

Overall, this episode was uneven. The anniversary story was sweet but predictable. The headhunter story was sometimes cingey but still enjoyably campy. This was pretty much a standard episode of Fantasy Island. Still, I can’t help but wonder why J.J. didn’t just buy an eternal youth fantasy instead of hiring Bailey to search for the fountain. I guess that question is destined to be forever unanswered.

Next week’s episode is all about comedians and prisoners!

Retro Television Reviews: Hang Time 4.17 “Sharing The Spotlight” and 4.18 “New Girl In Town”

Posted on May 8, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing Hang Time, which ran on NBC from 1995 to 2000. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

Hang Time! This week, YouTube once again tries to keep me from watching every episode of Hang Time.

Episode 4.17 “Sharing the Spotlight”

(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on November 7th, 1998)

Julie is told that unless she does better in her Math class and passes her upcoming exam, she might not be eligible to play basketball. OH NO! I hope everything worked out….

Unfortunately, this is one of the two episodes of Hang Time that are not available on YouTube. So, I have no idea if Julie learned a lesson about the importance of balancing academics with her extra-curriculars but I’m going to guess that she probably did.

Let’s move on to an episode that actually is on YouTube….

Episode 4.18 “New Girl In Town”

(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on November 7th, 1998)

Meanwhile, at the basketball camp….

Like I’ve said before, it’s not surprising that NBC showed these episodes out of order because, in the 90s, there were no continuity nerds around to call them out online. Still, it’s hard not to get a little annoyed at how little NBC apparently cared about whether or not it was possible to follow the storyline from one episode to another. Even though I can’t watch the previous episode, I can read the imdb plot description and know that it featured Julie in school. Now, suddenly, Julie is a counselor at a summer camp. Admittedly, I tend to be a bit over organized but messiness like this just drives me crazy.

Anyway, at camp, Mary Beth and Kristy get their hands tangled in a basketball net. Julie watches them and refuses to help because she’s having too much fun reminding everyone that she’s not a “bonehead.” Finally, Julie decides to help but soon, she gets tangled in the net as well. “Now I’m a bonehead!” Julie declares.

“Awww geez,” Coach K. says as he walks up with Eve (Alexana Lambros), a new girl at the camp. I haven’t mentioned it before because it was too stupid but “Awww geez” is Coach K’s catch phrase.

Eve is really excited to meet Julie but then again, everyone on this show is always excited to meet Julie. Eve says that Julie inspired her to play basketball but everyone always says that to Julie. Personally, I’m more interested in the fact that this new girl is named Eve. We’ve all seen All About Eve, haven’t we?

And, indeed, it does turn out that Eve will do anything to look good on the court and to show up Julie. Apparently, college scouts are coming to the camp and, since Eve is from a small high school, this might be her only opportunity to impress them. It’ll be difficult to do that with Julie hogging the spotlight. Now, if I was Eve, I would just point out to the scouts that Julie has been in high school for five years. Instead, Eve tries to sabotage Julie by 1) flirting with Julie’s ex-boyfriend, 2) cutting Julie’s shoe laces, 3) spilling bleach on Julie’s clothes, and 4) locking Julie in a storage shed.

GO, EVE!

Okay, admittedly, Eve isn’t going about things the right way but, after four seasons of Julie always being right and perfect, it’s kind of hard not to appreciate Eve as a force of chaos. Eve seems to be having so much fun being bad that it reminds us of just how boring a character Julie really could be. The audience applauds when Eve gets her inevitable comeuppance but I have a feeling that a lot of them were secretly on her side.

Anyway, it all works out. Coach K sends Eve home. The University of Connecticut says that they’ll probably still offer Julie a scholarship. Of course, Julie would have to actually graduate high school first and that’s not going to happen for a while. Hopefully, someone still offered Eve a scholarship. Sportsmanship is overrated.

Next week: the team once again prepares for the play-offs!

Lisa Marie’s Week In Television: 4/30/23 — 5/6/23

Posted on May 6, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Accused (Tuesday Night, Fox)

As frustratingly uneven as Accused can be, this week’s episode was enjoyably melodramatic and over the top. A teenage girl’s attempt to find her real father led to her discovering that he not only lived right next door but that she was also on the verge of dating her half-brother! In this case, the big crime was breaking into a sperm bank. In many ways, it was a silly episode but it was also undeniably enjoyable. Accused should do more weird episodes like this and give the politics a rest.

Barry (Sunday Night, HBO)

Wow, what an unsettling episode this week! Cristobal is dead. NoHo Hank is back in the Chechen mob. Gene shot and probably killed his son. And, according to the time jump towards the end of the episode, Barry and Sally ended up living on a farm with a son named John. And, in the world of Barry, Sian Heder is following up CODA with the worst comic book movie since The Eternals. I’m looking forward to seeing where all of this goes but I have a feeling the show is building up to the most traumatic conclusion of all time. We’ll see if I’m right!

Beavis and Butt-Head (Paramount Plus)

Beavis and Butt-Head fell in the sewer and thought they were in Hell. Then, after that, Beavis ended up in the hospital and nearly died due to Butt-Head continually punching him in the testicles. Guys are weird.

The Coronation of Charles III (Saturday Morning, Everywhere)

Supposedly, the British are indifferent to Charles III’s official coronation but it certainly has been a big deal here in the States. Honestly, maybe the entire Royal Family should just move over here and take over again. They would be greeted as liberators!

Forgive or Forget (YouTube)

It was raining on Wednesday afternoon so Jeff and I watched some old 90s talk shows on YouTube. In an episode of Forgive or Forget, delinquent daughters were giving their mothers trouble. The show’s host, Mother Love, yelled at everyone and forced them to go backstage and think about all of their sins before then choosing whether or not to come through the door of forgiveness. Towards the end of the show, the format changed a little as a former out-of-control teen asked her mother to forgive her, just to have her mother refuse to come through the door. What a terrible mother. Seriously, this was a weird show.

Geraldo (YouTube)

It was raining on Wednesday afternoon so Jeff and I watched some old 90s talk shows on YouTube. We watched a 1996 episode of Geraldo, featuring a young-looking but still overdramatic Geraldo Rivera talking to girls who were in gangs. The highlight of the epiosde was when the current gang girls were confronted by former gang girls who accuse them all of being bad mothers. “My babies are more important than my homies!” one former gang girl announced while the audience went crazy.

Half Nelson (YouTube)

I wrote about the finale of Half Nelson here!

Jenny Jones (YouTube)

It was raining on Wednesday afternoon so Jeff and I watched some old 90s talk shows on YouTube. On the Jenny Jones show, the permanently flustered host talked to mothers and daughters who teamed up to “play more than one guy.” The mothers and the daughters would come out on stage. The audience would boo. “Be an appreciator, not a hater!” one mother yelled back. Nothing was really resolved by the end of this episode. To be honest, I wasn’t really sure what the point of it all was.

The second episode that we watched feature couples taking lie detector tests to determine whether or not they were cheating. The audience booed a lot. No cheating allowed! “WHY YOU STAYING WITH THAT MAN!?” some guy in the audience yelled. Jenny Jones looked really nervous.

Law & Order (Thursday Night, NBC)

This week, Cosgrove’s daughter became an important witness in Price’s case against the accused murderer. To me, it seems that, as soon as it became apparent that his daughter could be a part of the case, Cosgrove should have been taken off the investigation but Law & Order takes place in a world where “conflict of interest” is no big deal.

The Love Boat (Paramount Plus)

I wrote about this week’s episode of The Love Boat here!

Night Court (Tuesday Night, NBC)

Dan’s been appointed to a judgeship in Louisiana and is planning on leaving New York City without telling anyone. Dan is not the sentimental type. However, Abbi and Rand insist on throwing him a going away party. As usual, this show works best when it focus on John Larroquette and Melissa Rauch. I spent most of this episode marveling at just how tall Larroquette is. Especially standing next to Melissa Rauch, Larroquette appeared to be about 9 feet tall. (Of course, Melissa Rauch is only like 4’11 herself.) Anyway, Dan was about to leave for Louisiana when he got a call that Abbi was in jail and needed him to defend her. This led to the dreaded “To Be Continued” card.

Night Flight (Night Flight Plus)

This week, I watched a compilation of three episodes from 1991. I learned about European Rock and guitar gods!

Radio 1990 (Night Flight Plus)

This was apparently an entertainment-related news show that aired on PBS in the 80s (despite the name). I watched an episode from 1983 on Saturday morning. My favorite part was “Radio 1990 on the movies.” The week the show aired, the number one movie was Sudden Impact and Scarface had just been released.

Sally Jessy Raphael (YouTube)

It was raining on Wednesday afternoon so Jeff and I watched some old 90s talk shows on YouTube. The episode that we watched of this show dealt with out-of-control teens. The teens were angry and bratty but then they all got sent to boot camp. Most studies have confirmed that the whole boot camp thing was usually counter-productive but audiences just loved to watch wannaba drill sergeants scream at a bunch of bratty kids.

Survivor (Wednesday Night, CBS)

I wrote about this week’s episode of Survivor here!

Retro Television Reviews: California Dreams 5.8 “Letters From Woo” and 5.9 “Senior Prom”

Posted on May 6, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

It’s prom time at PCHS! But first….

Episode 5.8 “Letters From Woo”

(Dir by Don Barnhart, originally aired on October 25, 1996)

The band is supposed to practice but Sam says it will have to wait because she’s making a “video letter” for her uncle back in Hong Kong. She and the members of the Dreams discuss all of the wacky adventures that they’ve had and …. oh, it’s a clip show!

I’ll never forget that time I said, “Let’s move on….”

Episode 5.9 “Senior Prom”

(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on November 2nd, 1996)

Poor Mark!

Seriously, Mark Winkle was the nicest member of the California Dreams and yet he always seemed to be the one who ended up getting screwed over. Consider what happens in this episode:

PCHS has prom fever! Tony & Sam and Jake & Tiffani are running for Prom King and Queen but Mark is more concerned about getting a date with Erica. He’s had a crush on Erica since forever but he’s too shy to talk to her. When he finally does work up the courage to ask her, she says yes. Yay! But, on the day of the prom, she dumps him and tells him that she’s going to the prom with her ex-boyfriend, Dave.

Unfortunately, his friends can’t be there for him because they’re competing like crazy to be named King and Queen. Lorena and Sly don’t help matters by making a bet on who is going to win. Lorena supports Jake and Tiffani because she thinks that they have more class than Sam and Tony. Sly supports Sam and Tony because he thinks they have more of a populist appeal than Jake and Tiffani. Mark, poor dateless Mark, is trapped in the middle.

(Myself, I’m just wondering how a biker and a surfer would have less populist appeal than a wealthy exchange student. For that matter, since when have Jake and Tiffani had any class at all? One of the reasons why Lorena and Jake broke up was because Jake was way too crude for Lorena’s tastes.)

To make matters even worse, Sly has booked the Dreams to play a prom at a junior high on the same day as the high school prom. Everyone tells Sly that it’s a terrible idea but then again, everyone could also use the money. Unfortunately, the gig is a bust because one the amps blows up on stage. Then, while the Dreams are trying to get back for their own prom, their van breaks down in the middle of nowhere! As the Dreams try to flag down a ride, word comes over the radio that the PCHS Prom King and Queen are …. ERICA AND HER DATE, DAVE!

The leads to even more fighting until Mark yells at everyone for being selfish and makes them see the errors of their way. The Dreams, now reunited in love and friendship, have their own prom on the side of the road. Sly dances with Lorena. Tony dances with Sam. Jake dances with Tiff. And Mark …. well, he gets to play guitar. Mark may have saved the band but he still has to spend the prom alone. POOR MARK!

Seriously, there was a lot I liked about this episode. The cast’s chemistry was on fire. Everyone looked good in their prom outfits. But, at the end of the episode, you couldn’t help but feel that Mark really got screwed over.

Next week, Sam is cast on a show called Babewatch! I wonder what that’s based on….

Retro Television Reviews: Half Nelson 1.9 “Beverly Hills Princess”

Posted on May 5, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing Half Nelson, which ran on NBC from March to May of 1985. Almost all nine of the show’s episodes can be found on YouTube!

Today, we close the book on the adventures of Rocky Nelson in Beverly Hills.

Episode 1.9 “Beverly Hills Princess”

(Dir by Bernard McEveety, originally aired on May 10th, 1985)

The hottest new thing in Beverly Hills is a movement called Emotional Awareness. Led by the slick Dexter Breen (played by Marjoe Gortner, who was himself a former child evangelist) EA is a self-improvement cult that definitely should not be mistaken for Scientology. Not surprisingly, EA is a scam. Dexter and his people encourage the rich and the powerful to confess all of their secrets during “Awareness Sessions” and then use those secrets to blackmail their followers.

Businessman George Farrell (Dick Van Patten) is sick of being blackmailed. However, when George tries to confront Dexter, he gets into a struggle with one of Dexter’s goons. The goon has a gun, which goes off. Fear not, George is not wounded. However, he is arrested for murder when the goon drops dead. Because George doesn’t want to admit that Dexter was blackmailing over him over an affair he had with a congresswoman, George finds himself sitting in prison.

Fortunately, George Farrell is a client of Beverly Hills Security! After being approached by George’s 14 year-old daughter, Leslie (Sydney Penny), Rocky (Joe Pesci, who was shorter than Sydney Penny) makes it his mission to prove that George didn’t mean to kill anyone. To do this, he’ll visit two more of Dexter’s victims (played, in this week’s cameos, by Rich Little and Lyle Waggoner). He’ll also steal several cars, including a police car. Why is Rocky stealing cars? Because he keeps wrecking them, of course! Detective Hamill (Gary Grubbs) isn’t happy about all of the wrecked cars. When he demands to know why Chester (Fred Williamson) keeps Rocky employed despite all of Rocky’s mishaps, Chester replies, “Because he cares!”

As usual, Rocky recruits Beau (Dick Butkus), Kurt (Bubba Smith), and Annie (Victoria Jackson) to help him out. When Rocky discovers that one of Dexter’s victims is holding auditions for a drag revue, Rocky decides that Annie should audition. “But I’m a real woman!” Annie replies. At this point, I was expecting thing to get pretty cringey but, by the standards of when the show was produced, the whole drag revue subplot was handled with maturity and with a relative lack of cheap jokes. I sat there dreading the moment that Bubba Smith and Dick Butkus would put on ball gowns and start speaking in falsetto but it didn’t happen. Instead, they just mentioned how talented all of the performers were. It was pretty clear that the director of the revue was being blackmailed because he was gay but, again in contrast to a lot of shows and movies from the period, both the show and Rocky treated the character with respect. It was an unexpected moment in a show that many would probably dismiss as just being another generic detective series.

While Rocky is stealing cars, Dean Martin is searching for his. No, Rocky didn’t steal Dean’s car. According to Dean, Sammy Davis, Jr. stole it. In this episode, Dean shares all of his scenes with Fred Williamson. Because this was Half Nelson‘s final episode, this was also Dean Martin’s last onscreen moment. Dean passed away ten years later.

Yes, this was indeed the final episode of Half Nelson. In fact, towards the end of the episode, Rocky crashes Chester’s car and then comments that he’s probably going to get fired as a result. Since this was the final episode, I guess we can assume that, once George got out of prison, Rocky was unemployed and on the next flight back to New York City. I hope he got to take the dog with him.

As for the episode itself, it wasn’t a bad way to wrap things up. Everyone got to do something. Chester defended Rocky, for once. Victoria Jackson got to sing a song. Joe Pesci got one final chance to make a joke about his height, snapping that he was “5’4,” when he heard a report that a car had been stolen by a man standing “5’2.” Dean Martin was clearly unwell during filming but he still had a devilish twinkle in his eye. As always, Marjoe Gortner was a good villain. On the negative side, Rocky didn’t so much solve the mystery as he just stumbled into solutions and Detective Hamill’s intense dislike of Rocky never made any sense. As well, Hamill and Annie were dating in the previous episode but they barely even acknowledged each other in this one, which leads me to suspect that this episode was originally meant to air earlier than it did.

Having now watched the entire show, it’s easy to see why Half Nelson failed to attract a regular audience, despite it’s strong pilot. The show never really found the right balance between comedy and drama and, far too often, it turned into a retread of Beverly Hills Cop. The ensemble often felt underused, with Jackson and Williamson spending far too much of their time sitting in the office. The show had a great star in Joe Pesci but many episodes got bogged down with the antics of Bubba Smith and Dick Butkus.

Here’s the thing, though. The show was always interesting, specifically because it did star Joe Pesci. There was something undeniably fun about having stolid TV actors — like Robert Reed and Dick Van Patten — appearing opposite a combustible force of nature like Joe Pesci. Though there were a few times that Pesci did seem a bit bored with going through the detective show motions, he was still a force of chaos and, by his very presence, he made Half Nelson into something more than just another generic crime show.

Next week, we start Freddy’s Nightmares!