Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984. Unfortunately, the show has been removed from most streaming sites. Fortunately, I’ve got nearly every episode on my DVR.
This week is another trip to the Island that feel a bit too familiar.
Episode 7.10 “Goin’ On Home/Ambitious Lady”
(Dir by Don Ingalls, originally aired on January 7th, 1984)
Nope. I’m just not going to do it. I refuse to spend too much time on this episode. This episode felt like a rehash of several earlier episodes, all of which worked considerably better and didn’t feature Lawrence hovering in the background.
Billy Joe Pine (Mickey Gilley) is a country-western star who comes to the Island because he wants to be reunited with the family that he left behind when he traveled from the farm to …. Nashville, I guess. His father (Leif Erickson) forgives him but his younger brother (John Dennis Johnston) is less inclined. Mickey Gilley was a real-life country western singer and the only reason I know this is because he appeared previously on Fantasy Island as himself. That episode wasn’t great but it was a masterpiece compared to this one. “They don’t let you swim in your long johns!” is a line that is uttered at one point and I cringed like I’ve never cringed before. This whole thing just felt rehashed and tired.
The second fantasy featured fashion designer Bryana Spencer (Mary Ann Mobley) and her husband, Fred Nelson (Ron Ely). Fred gave up a promising entertainment career so that he could work as the exclusive emcee for Bryana’s fashion shows. Bryana’s fantasy is for Fred to find the success that he gave up while Fred’s fantasy is for Bryana and him to experience that type of love that they felt for each other before Bryana became successful. In other words, it’s time for another Fantasy Island fashion show!
Character actor George Wyner (you would recognize him) made me smile as the fashion show’s choreographer but otherwise, this was a pretty boring fantasy. Mobley and Ely didn’t have much chemistry. Then again, neither did Roarke and Lawrence. The entire time I watched this episode, I kept thinking to myself, “Tattoo liked country western music. Tattoo liked fashion shows. This could have been a great Tattoo episode!”
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984. Unfortunately, the show has been removed from most streaming sites. Fortunately, I’ve got nearly every episode on my DVR.
This week, we have two fantasies that seem very familiar.
Episode 7.9 “Fantasy Island Girl/Saturday’s Child”
(Dir by Leslie H. Martinson, originally aired on December 10th, 1983)
Actress Marion Sommers (Stella Stevens) comes to the Island. Lawrence is a huge fan and can’t imagine what fantasy she could possibly have. Roarke explains that Marion wants to be reunited with her children. The twist is that her children don’t know that Marion is their mother. They think that their mother died and that they were adopted by Fran Woods (Diane Baker).
Marion is told that, because of the way she phrased her fantasy, she’ll get to meet her children on the island but she can’t tell them that she’s their mother. The children have spent the last few years with Ms. Woods as their mother. Marion agrees but she doesn’t keep her word and, by the end of her fantasy, she’s told both Bill (David Kaufman) and Ellie (Amy Linker) that she is their mother and that she wants them to come with her. Bill and Ellie reject her, saying that Ms. Woods will always be their mother. However, they would like it if Marion would be their friend.
Lawrence asks Marion to give him her autograph so he can give it to his niece. Then, after Marion leaves, Lawrence tells Roarke that he doesn’t have a niece….
This fantasy seemed awfully familiar. I don’t really have the time to go back and reread every FantasyIsland review that I’ve written but I’m pretty sure that this show has already gone to the “I’m a famous actress who wants to meet the children that I gave up” well more than a few times. In this case, it just felt like everyone was going through the motions.
As for the other fantasy, it involved the Fantasy Island Girl Beauty Pageant and, again, I’m pretty sure I’ve seen several versions of this pageant fantasy in the past. This time, it’s the pageant’s producer, Nick Gleason (Paul Burke), who has a fantasy. It seems that Nick has a reputation for fixing his pageants so his fantasy is to run a totally “clean” and honest pageant. It seems like he could have just done that on his own without even having to go to Fantasy Island. Since when have fantasies become about doing things that most people would just do naturally?
Nick’s daughter, Tina (Audrey Landers), enters the pageant and suddenly, Nick finds himself tempted to fix the pageant for her. When Roarke explains this to Tina, Tina withdraws from the pageant and Nick doesn’t fix the pageant. Nick is so happy that he finally put on a honest pageant but the only reason he didn’t fix the pageant was because Tina dropped out. If she hadn’t dropped out, he totally would have rigged it. So, I’m not really sure that Nick has anything to brag about. It’s kind of like bragging about not robbing a bank because it was closed on Sunday.
Lawrence is appointed as one of the judges for the beauty pageant. You know who really enjoyed beauty pageants? Tattoo. This would have been a fun fantasy for Tattoo. Instead, we just get Lawrence looking all huffy and puffy.
59 years ago today, the first episode of Star Trek aired in America.
There’s been a lot of different StarTrek shows and crews over the decades. I have to admit that I’ve always preferred the Original Series, with Kirk sleeping with every alien he met, McCoy and Spock bickering about logic, and Scotty warning that the engines can’t take much more. The Next Generation was strong as well, especially in the later seasons. The subsequent series have been hit-and-miss for me.
I was born long after the Original Series went off the air so, like a lot of people, my real introduction to Star Trek came through watching the films. This weekend, I sat down and watched all fourteen of the Star Trek films in order, from The Motion Picture to Section 31. Here are my thoughts.
Star Trek: The Motion Picture (1979, directed by Robert Wise)
In the first Star Trek film, Voyager returns to Earth, now known as V’ger. James T. Kirk (William Shatner) returns to the Enterprise with his old crew and takes command from Decker (Stephen Collins). Spock (Leonard Nimoy) returns from Vulcan is not happy about it.
Directed by Robert Wise, the first Star Trek film feels out-of-place amongst the films that followed it. It’s long and slowly paced and it doesn’t have the sense of humor that runs through the best of the films featuring the original cast. The film favors Kirk and Spock, with the rest of the original cast being largely used as bit players. Even the costumes are different from the uniforms worn in the later films, making Star Trek: The Motion Picture feel like an entry from an alternate universe.
Despite mixed review, Star Trek: The Motion Picture made the most money of any of the pre-reboot films at the box office. Because the film itself was so expensive, it was still judged to be a box office disappointment. The Star Trek films would continue but in a new direction.
Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan (1982, directed by Nicholas Meyer)
Featuring a character-driven script, exciting action, the best villain in the history of the franchise, and an ending that will bring tears to the eyes of the most cynical viewer, The Wrath of Khan is the film that set the standard for the Star Trek films that would follow.
Ricardo Montalban, recreating a character that he originally played in the television series, is a compelling villain as the vengeance-driven Khan. Montalban and William Shatner make for perfect rivals, two sides of the same coin. At the same time, the other members of the original cast all get their moments to shine, especially Walter Koenig as Chekhov. Kirstie Alley is the sexist Vulcan to ever appear in the franchise and even the revelation that Kirk has a son is handled effectively. Kirstie Alley, Bibi Besch, and Merritt Butrick all fit in with the original crew.
But the thing everyone remembers about The Wrath of Khan is the death of Spock. Even though the movie features plenty of hints that Spock will return (including his command of “Remember” to McCoy), it’s impossible not to get emotional when Spock sacrifices himself for the crew. “I have always been your friend.” To quote George Costanza, that was hell of a thing when Spock died. In that scene, Leonard Nimoy shows that he was the (logical) heart of the franchise. Just as Spock brought out the best in the rest of the crew, Nimoy brought out the best in his co-stars. Shatner was never better than when he was mourning Spock.
Star Trek III: The Search For Spock (1984, directed by Leonard Nimoy)
Spock’s back! It’s not a surprise. I think everyone knew, at the end of Wrath of Khan, that the Genesis Project would bring back Spock. Star Trek III isn’t bad. Christopher Lloyd reminds us of how brutal the Klingons were before their Next Generation makeover. The self-destruction of the Enterprise is a powerful moment. I just wish that a film about Spock being given a new life hadn’t featured so much death. Both the revelation that David Marcus tampered with the Genesis Project and his subsequent death feel like missteps. Robin Curtis takes over the role of Saavik and Kirstie Alley is very much missed. DeForest Kelley playing McCoy possessed by Spock was, for me, the highlight of the film.
Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home (1986, directed by Leonard Nimoy)
Returning home after rescuing Spock from the Genesis Planet, the Enterprise crew is instead sent back into the past so that they can bring two whales into the future. The Voyage Home might not be the best Star Trek film (that honor belongs to Wrath of Khan) but it is the most likable and the most entertaining. Every member of the cast gets something to do in 20th Century San Francisco. The film is full of classic moments, from Chekhov looking for the “nuclear wessels” to Scotty trying to speak to the computer. The moment with the punk on the bus is a crowd-pleaser. I always laugh at Spock’s “One damn minute, Admiral.” After the violence in The Search for Spock, The Voyage Home‘s humor, gentle sincerity, and emphasis on the efforts of the entire ensemble is a welcome development.
Star Trek V: The Final Frontier (1989, directed by William Shatner)
Leonard Nimoy got his chance to shine as the director of the previous two Star Trek films so William Shatner was allowed to direct The Final Frontier. The Enterprise crew is brainwashed by a religious fanatic (Laurence Luckinbill) who is also, improbably, Spock’s brother. Only Kirk is able to resist and confront the entity claiming to be God. “What does God need with a starship!?” Kirk demands. It’s such an obvious question that I can’t believe the entity didn’t already have an answer worked out.
The Final Frontier gets no respect and it was probably doomed as soon as Shatner was announced as director. Shatner also developed the story and it’s probably not surprising that the main theme is that Kirk was the only person on the Enterprise strong enough to not be brainwashed by the film’s fake God. Laurence Luckinbill gave a good performance as Sybok but this film really does feel like an unfortunate episode of the original television series.
Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country (1991, directed by Nicholas Meyer)
Star Trek VI featured the final appearance of the Original Series cast as a group and they get a send-off worthy of their legacy. Having been previously established as the Federation’s greatest enemies, the Klingons finally pursue peace. Just as only Nixon could go to China, only Kirk and the original Enterprise crew can go to the Klingons. This movie is what Star Trek was all about, with enough world-building and continuity for the hardcore fans and a story that was interesting enough to hold the attention of the casual viewers. By featuring the start of the era of peace between the Federation and the Klingons, this film also filled in some of the Next Generation‘s backstory. The Final Frontier was meant to be the final Star Trek film featuring any of the original cast and it would have been the perfect entry for Captain Kirk to go out on. Unfortunately, that didn’t happen.
Star Trek Generations (1994, directed by David Cason)
William Shatner meets Patrick Stewart as one Star Trek crew passes the torch to the new Star Trek crew. Malcolm McDowell is the latest villain with an ill-defined plan. Picard and Kirk team up to stop McDowell’s villain. They succeed but at the cost of Kirk’s life. As opposed to Spock’s death in Wrath of Khan, Kirk’s death feels pointless and tacked on for no reason other than to signify the arrival of The Next Generation to the films. Seeing Shatner and Stewart together is interesting. Stewart may have been the better actor but Shatner still dominates their scenes together. Not giving Kirk a better send-off was one of the franchise’s biggest sins.
Star Trek: First Contact (1996, directed by Jonathan Frakes)
After the disappointing Generations, Picard and his crew finally got a film worthy of them with First Contact. Not only do the Borg return but the crew goes back into their past and experience a key date in the history of the Federation. After being outshone by Shatner in Generations, Patrick Stewart takes control in this film, giving a multi-layered and commanding performance that still gives the rest of the cast room to shine. Director Jonathan Frakes not only handles the action well but he also shows that he understands what makes the characters click. This was, without a doubt, the best of the Next Generation films and one the best of the Star Trek films overall.
Star Trek: Insurrection (1998, directed by Jonathan Frakes)
Entertaining but forgettable, Insurrection features Picard pulling a Kirk and defying orders from from a superior officer (played by Anthony Zerbe) and going out of his way to save Data from being decommissioned. Insurrection feels like an extended episodes of the Next Generation television series and lacks the epic scale of First Contact. Under the direction of Jonathan Frakes, the ensemble is strong and watching them interact feels like spending time with a group of old friends. F. Murray Abraham and Anthony Zerbe make for effective villains.
Star Trek: Nemesis (2002, directed by Stuart Baird)
Just as the Original Series crew sought peace with the Klingons in The Undiscovered Country, the final Next Generation film finds Picard, Riker, and the rest seeking peace with the Romulan Empire. Tom Hardy plays a clone of Picard who is now the leader of the Romulans. Data sacrifices himself in a move that tries too hard to duplicate the death of Spock. Picard retires. Director Stuart Baird emphasizes action over the chemistry of the Next Generation cast and the end result is a disappointing finale that left critics and audiences underwhelmed.
Star Trek (2009, directed by J.J. Abrams)
I think people forget about what a big deal this Star Trek reboot was when it first came out. Today, people focus on things like Kirk being a Beastie Boys fan and they forget how exciting it was to see Chris Pine, Zachary Quinto, Karl Urban, Simon Pegg, Anton Yelchin, John Cho, and Zoe Saldana all effortlessly stepping into the roles of the younger versions of the original cast. The storyline is predictable and Eric Bana’s a bland villain but the scenes between Leonard Nimoy and Zachary Quinto were a reminder of how important Spock was and is to Star Trek.
Star Trek wasn’t perfect, of course. In retrospect, I think creating an alternate timeline was a mistake because it created a situation where, even if someone died, it was just an alternate version dying and not the version that audiences knew and cared about. The alternate timeline would also lead to one of the biggest missteps in the history of the franchise.
Star Trek Into The Darkness (2013, directed by J.J. Abrams)
After the surprising success, both critically and commercially, of his Star Trek reboot, J.J. Abrams. Robert Orci, Alex Kurtzman, and Damon Lindelof wasted most of that good will by messing around with one of the franchise’s most memorable characters.
There are some good things to be said about Star Trek Into The Darkness. I like the action sequences and the climatic battle in the film’s futuristic version of San Francisco. But casting Benedict Cumberbatch, of all people, as Khan is a misstep that can’t be overcome. That the movie brought back Khan instead of exploring “strange new worlds” exposed the weakness of Abrams entire reboot. For all the hype, did the Star Trek reboot actually have anything new or original to offer? The answer here seemed to be no.
Star Trek Beyond (2016, directed by Justin Linn)
The final (for now) Star Trek theatrical film featured a memorable villain in the form of Idris Elba and a plot that felt like it could have just as easily been an episode of the original series. In retrospect, the film is mostly memorable for featuring the announcement of the death of Ambassador Spock. (The film was released a year after the death of Leonard Nimoy.) The death of Spock, this time with no Genesis Project around to bring him back, makes this installment feel like right place to end the films. For many of us, Nimoy was Star Trek.
Stark Trek: Section 31 (2025, directed by Olatunde Osunsanmi)
Though there have been many subsequent televisions shows, there hasn’t been a Star Trek theatrical release since 2016. The next installment has been in pre-production limbo for nearly ten years. (Quentin Tarantino was supposedly attached at one time.) Instead of coming to theaters, the latest Star Trek movie came to Paramount Plus.
I debated whether or not to include Section 31 in this list, both because it was a “made-for-TV” movie and also because it was so bad that I think most Star Trek fans would rather forget about it. A mediocre heist film that wastes star Michelle Yeoh and which doesn’t feel like it belongs in the Star Trek universe, Section31 may still represent the way forward for the franchise. With theaters having never recovered from the COVID shut-downs and more and more people preferring to stream their entertainment at home, the future of the Star Trek films could very well be a collection of assembly line Paramount Plus movies.
Finally, Case turned me onto this short film:
765874: Unification (2024, directed by Carlos Baena)
A collaboration between Otoy, a VFX company, and The Roddenberry Archive, with support from Paramount, 765874: Unification is a 10-minute short film that imagines Kirk meeting Spock in the afterlife. Shatner returns as Kirk, de-aged with CGI. Just as Kirk and Spock were friends in the film, the same was true of Shatner and Nimoy in real life. (You only have to compare Nimoy’s comments about Shatner with George Takei’s endlessly bitter takes to see what true class actually is.) This short film gives both characters the finale that they deserved.
It’s possible that we may never see another true Star Trek film. Most of the original cast is gone now. Patrick Stewart will always be Picard but even he is now approaching 90. But whatever the future may hold, I’m happy for the films that Star Trek gave us.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984. Unfortunately, the show has been removed from most streaming sites. Fortunately, I’ve got nearly every episode on my DVR.
This week, we have two more fantasies that do not feature Tattoo. What even is the point?
Episode 7.8 “Random Choices/My Mommy, The Swinger”
(Dir by Bob Sweeney, originally aired on December 3rd, 1983)
Elaine Ashley (Florence Henderson) is divorced and raising two kids on her own. Her fantasy is to be a swinger for the weekend! Mr. Roarke arranges for Lawrence to watch the kids and then he sets Elaine up with tennis player Martin Avery (Robert Goulet). While Lawrence attempts to explain to the kids why their mother doesn’t want them around for the weekend, Martin offers Elaine a job. It’s a good job with a nice salary but it would require her to put her children in a boarding school. On the plus side, I guess Elaine would finally get laid again since that seems to be her main concern. On the negative side, no more kids.
Elaine is tempted. In fact, Elaine is so tempted that it actually make her into a really unsympathetic character. At first, Elaine takes the job but then, when she sees how upset her children are about no longer living with her, she changes her mind. Hey, Elaine — how did you think the children would react!?
This fantasy irked me. Of course, to be absolutely honest about things, Florence Henderson irks me in general. Maybe I’m still holding the last episode of The Brady Bunch Variety Hour against her but, whenever Florence Henderson appeared on this show or on The Love Boat, the characters she played always came across as being judgmental and self-absorbed. That’s certainly the case here. You take your children to a tropical paradise and then you abandon them with the butler? Really?
As for the other fantasy, it featured Jose Ferrer as a dying billionaire who needed to find someone who he could trust to give away his money to people who deserved it. Roarke determined that person was Eddie Random (James Read), an angry young man who felt his father had been cheated by Ferrer’s tycoon. The entire fantasy came down to Eddie proving himself by taking supplies to an Island and helping a crotchety old man come to terms with the death of his wife.
This second fantasy felt like a backdoor pilot. It literally ended with Eddie and the billionaire leaving to have many more adventures. As such, the fantasy itself felt rather incomplete and …. well, silly. Why would the tycoon need Fantasy Island to help him find the right person to give away his money? Why does he even need a person to do that? He should have just arranged for a big scavenger hunt and whoever found the most items would get the money. That would have been a lot more fun.
You know who always enjoyed fantasies dealing with money? Tattoo. I miss him.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984. Unfortunately, the show has been removed from most streaming sites. Fortunately, I’ve got nearly every episode on my DVR.
This week, Lawrence ruins everything.
Episode 7.7 “The Wedding/Castaways”
(Dir by Bob Sweeney, originally aired on November 26th, 1983)
Ugh, this episode.
Nerdy Fred Connors (Richard Gilliland) wants to spend a weekend alone with a beautiful woman. His favorite supermodel, Christy Robbins (Phyllis Davis), has been pressured by her manager (Steve Perry) into agreeing to spend the weekend with Fred at Pelican Cove. Fred and Christy will have their picture taken before and after their weekend together to show just how much spending time alone with Christy Robbins will improve one’s outlook on life.
Let’s just stop here and state the obvious. This makes ZERO sense. Christy’s manager has no idea who Fred is. He doesn’t even meet Fred until it’s time to him and Christy to go to Pelican Cove. Christy is a world-famous model. In what world would a celebrity agree to be abandoned on an isolated island with a total stranger? The photographers aren’t staying on the island with them. Instead, Christy and Fred are dropped off on the island and then everyone else leaves. If I was Christy, I would get a new manager.
A rival model named Celina Morgan (Shannon Tweed) was also up for the “abandoned on an island with a possible sex maniac” gig and she’s upset that she lost out to Christy. So, she sneaks out to Pelican Bay herself and soon, she and Christy are fighting over the right to spend their time with Fred. It’s dumb and it makes no sense and, considering that the whole fantasy is basically two beautiful woman fighting over one dorky guy, it’s actually feels a bit demeaning and mean-spirited.
Of course, it’s nowhere near as mean-spirited as the other fantasy. Lucy Gorman (Jeannie Wilson) is unhappy in her marriage to Dr. Jack Gorman (Gordon Thomson). She tells Roarke that the only good thing that came out of her marriage was her daughter (Andrea Barber) but Lucy even feels jealous of her! Lucy wants to go back to her wedding day so she can see what would happen if she left her husband at the altar and pursued another doctor (Richard Pierson).
Well, the main that would happen is that Lucy’s daughter would never be born. But somehow, this doesn’t occur to Lucy until the fantasy has started. How would that not occur to a mother? This fantasy was …. I can’t even begin to describe how annoying it was. Lucy came across as being very self-centered and kind of dumb.
I swear, the seventh season has just been terrible so far and I blame one person.
And, no, it’s not Mr. Roarke.
Seriously, ever since Lawrence showed up, the Island just hasn’t been the same. Are we sure that Lawrence isn’t the Devil? I mean, I know the Devil was traditionally played by Roddy McDowall on this show but I’m sure he change his appearance. There’s something sinister about Lawrence and I don’t trust him. He doesn’t care about Roarke and he doesn’t care about the fantasies.
What a disappointing trip to the Island. Traditionally, the last season of any show is usually the worst but it’s still painful to watch Fantasy Island misfire like it did with this episode.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984. Unfortunately, the show has been removed from most streaming sites. Fortunately, I’ve got nearly every episode on my DVR.
This week, the Island is kind of dull. Tattoo is missed.
Episode 7.6 “Second Time Around/Three’s A Crowd”
(Dir by Philip Leacock, originally aired on November 19th, 1983)
Love is in the air again at Fantasy Island! Remember when this show used to feature mermaids and Greek Gods and ghosts and gothic mansions and stuff like that? Those were good times!
Kate Tucker (Cristina Ferrare) comes to the Island to confront her husband, Gary Tucker (Geoffrey Scott, the quarterback from 1st and Ten), about his infidelity. Roarke decides to bring Gary’s mistress, Helen (Michelle Phillips, who once played the mermaid on this very show), to the Island as well! It’s all a part of Roarke’s plan to show both women that Gary’s not worth all the trouble. Kate realizes she doesn’t want Gary and Helen doesn’t want him either. Kate leaves the Island a single woman. Good for her!
Meanwhile, widowed Joan (Dorothy McGuire) comes to the Island and falls for handsome Alan Reynolds (Craig Stevens). Joan’s son (Stuart Damon) is upset at the idea of Joan marrying someone else. Eventually, he comes to see the error of his ways and smiles as Joan and Alan find happiness.
This may have been an episode of Fantasy Island but it felt more like The Love Boat. Roarke helped everyone find true love and Lawrence …. Lawrence was just kind of there. At this point, I kind of feel that, if they were determined to get rid of Tattoo, they should have just had Roarke running the Island by himself. Lawrence’s presence doesn’t accomplish anything beyond making the viewer miss Tattoo.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984. Unfortunately, the show has been removed from most streaming sites. Fortunately, I’ve got nearly every episode on my DVR.
(Dir by Cliff Bole, originally aired on November 12th, 1983)
This is an odd episode. Both of the stories deal with love. In one of them, Lee Meriwether plays a woman who is in love with her butler, Efrem Zimbalist, Jr. She comes to Fantasy Island with a group of friends, all of whom are very judgmental about the idea of Meriwether dating a member of the help. Mr. Roarke deals with the situation by threatening to reveal all of their secrets. He explains that he does a thorough background check on everyone who comes to Fantasy Island. I’m not sure if I buy that because some really bad folks have come to the Island. Anyway, this story ends with Zimbalist starting to loosen up and Meriwether saying that she was going to continue to train him to be her boyfriend once they returned to the mainland. I’m not sure if this is so much a love story as much as it’s a “I want to have sex with someone who I pay so they can’t ever say no” story.
The other story is a bit more interesting. Julie Mars (Cyd Charisse, who I adore) is a dancer who walks with a cane. It turns out that she and Roarke have been in love for years and the implication is that Roarke spent time with her off of the Island. This is really a big deal. It goes against everything that has always been implied about Roarke in the past. Roarke never leaves the Island, that’s what we believed. It turns out we were wrong. He’s not only left the Island before but he’s fallen in love. Julie’s fantasy is to be able to dance again. Roarke grants her fantasy and Edmond Rome (Cesar Romero) wants to puts her in a show. Roarke knows that the only way Julie can continue to dance is if she forgets the love that she has for Roarke. That doesn’t quite make sense but Roarke just goes with it. She leaves the Island, acting as if Roarke is just a friendly acquaintance as opposed to being the love of her life.
That was sad! What made it especially sad is that Roarke doesn’t really have anyone to talk about all of this. Tattoo was close enough to being an equal that Roarke could open up to him. Lawrence is just a butler. Some people confide in their butler. Some people — as seen in this very episode — fall in love with their butler. Roarke, however, is lost without Tattoo.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984. Unfortunately, the show has been removed from most streaming sites. Fortunately, I’ve got nearly every episode on my DVR.
This week, the curse of Lawrence continues.
Episode 7.4 “God Child/Curtain Call”
(Dir by Ted Lange, originally aired on October 29th, 1983)
Tori Spelling is in this episode. She was only ten years old at the time but she was already a terrible actress. In the role of Laurie, a poor little rich girl whose fantasy is to ask God why her parents died in a crash, Spelling gives a performance that is overly cutesy. There’s nothing authentic about her or her delivery. Her role on the show was obviously a result of her father being the producer.
Laurie doesn’t find God. (At first, she assumes Roarke is God but he assures her that he is not, despite the fact that he has God-like powers. Ricardo Montalban, for his part, said that he always felt that Roarke was a fallen angel who was doing penance on Fantasy Island.) Laurie does however find Adam Cobb (George Kennedy), a former circus clown-turned-alcoholic who briefly pretends to be God. At first, Laurie hates Adam for lying about being God. Then Mr. Roarke explains that Adam’s wife died in a circus fire and that his own daughter was adopted by another family. Laurie feels sorry for him and invites Adam to come live in her mansion with her aunt. Adam considers it but ultimately decides that he needs to instead search for his own daughter. In a rather bizarre turn of events, he dances with Laurie while singing FunnyFace to her.
As for Laurie meeting God, Adam suggests that maybe there’s a bit of God in everyone and therefore, we’re all God. Whatever, you hippie.
This storyline was ugh. Like seriously, just ugh. Laurie didn’t get her fantasy. She just met some old alcoholic who spouted a bunch of a Unitarian mumbo jumbo at her. As for Adam leaving the Island to find his own daughter …. well, did he? This episode doesn’t tell us. How exactly is he going to find her? Does she want anything to do with him? How was the penniless Adam able to afford a trip to Fantasy Island in the first place?
AND WHERE THE HELL IS TATTOO!?
Meanwhile, Milton Berle played an old comedian who wanted his former partners (Imogene Coca and Howard Morris) to forgive him so that they could perform together one last time. This storyline felt very familiar and it featured a lot of singing. Even Mr. Roarke sang a song. It’s actually kind of strange how many songs were sung in this episode because this wasn’t a musical episode. This wasn’t like that musical episode of The Love Boat where the songs were evenly distributed across the program. Instead, towards the end of the episode, people just started singing. It was weird.
Speaking of TheLoveBoat, this episode was directed by Isaac himself, Ted Lange. Lange keeps the action movie but I just wish this episode had been better written. This is another episode where it’s easy to imagine how much better it would have been with Tattoo than with Lawrence. Tattoo would have definitely gotten emotionally involved with Laurie’s search for God. Lawrence, on the other hand, is just a stiff upper lip butler whose main concern is making sure everyone gets their drink order. It’s nothing against Christopher Hewett, who I have read was a good Catholic. It’s just that he’s stuck playing a character who does not belong on the Island.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984. Unfortunately, the show has been removed from most streaming sites. Fortunately, I’ve got nearly every episode on my DVR.
This week, three nurses are brought to the Island by one grateful benefactor.
Episode 7.3 “Nurses Night Out”
(Dir by Philip Leacock, originally aired on October 22nd, 1983)
Wealthy George Galloway (Peter Graves) has recently been discharged from the hospital and he wants to give a present to the three nurses that took care of him. He pays for all of them to come to Fantasy Island and experience a fantasy.
Christine Donavon (Joanna Cassidy) wants the capable but abrasive Dr. Mark Reed (Monte Markham) to experience what it’s like to be a patient so that he might understand what it’s like having to deal with the uncertainty of being in a hospital. However, Christine comes to discover that Dr. Reed isn’t that bad and Dr. Reed comes to realize that perhaps he could be a bit kinder. Love is in the air!
Tracy Freemont (Pat Klous) wants to hook up with quarterback Crash McGowan (Brodie Greer, who I’m also currently watching as Officer Barizca on CHiPs). Crash was a patient at the hospital and Tracy was his night nurse. Crash likes Tracy but, as he explains it to Mr. Roarke, he’s currently under a lot of pressure to win football game and, as a result, he’s impotent. Maybe Crash should just ask for a fantasy where he’s not impotent for the weekend. Fear not, things work out. Love is in the air!
At first, Alice Green (Eleanor Parker) just wants to spend her time on the Island doing nothing. That’s her fantasy. Lawrence may think that an odd fantasy but I actually understand Alice’s point. She’s on vacation. Why should she have to do anything? However, when Alice discovers that George is her benefactor, she decides she does have a fantasy. She wants to tell George that she loves him. George’s fantasy is for Alice to love him. Hey, that works out! The only problem is that George only has three months to live! Love is in the air …. but for how long!?
This episode wasn’t that bad, especially when compared to the previous two episodes. I like Peter Graves and I liked the three nurses and I was happy that they all ultimately found love on the Island. Admittedly, Tracy and Christine’s fantasies didn’t do much for me. But the Peter Graves/Eleanor Parker fantasy was nicely done and I appreciated the fact that the show didn’t come up with some miracle cure for George’s terminal illness. Instead, with the gentle encouragement of Mr. Roarke, George and Alice decided to make the best of the time they had left. Good work, Mr. Roarke!
Tattoo is very much missed but this was still a good trip to the Island.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984. Unfortunately, the show has been removed from most streaming sites. Fortunately, I’ve got nearly every episode on my DVR.
This week, the tyranny of Laurence continues.
Episode 7.2 “The Big Switch/Hooker’s Holiday”
(Dir by Bob Sweeney, originally aired on October 15th, 1983)
Shelley James (Melinda Culea) is a high-priced call girl who comes to Fantasy Island looking for an escape from her life. For one weekend, she wants not only a normal life but also a chance to meet a man who will love her without paying her for sex. Luckily, Brad Jacobs (Richard Hatch) is also on the Island!
This is the type of fantasy that FantasyIsland handled well in the past. It doesn’t work out quite as well this episode became Mr. Roarke’s new servant (there’s no other word for him), Laurence, makes some rather snarky and judgmental comments about Shelly and her profession (asking at one point whether she’s on the Island for a fantasy or to give someone a fantasy) and it just feels totally wrong. One of the good things about FantasyIsland was that Roarke never judged the people asking for fantasies. He may have warned them about what they would discover. Sometimes, he manipulated them to help them discover something important about themselves. But once you were allowed to come to the Island, Roarke didn’t judge you and neither did Tattoo. In fact, Tattoo was probably even less judgmental than Roarke. Tattoo knew what it was like to be judged. Laurence, on the other hand, is a snooty British butler and seems personally offended by Shelley’s presence on the Island. (Eventually, after she shares her tragic backstory, he comes around but still, it shouldn’t take a sad story to get people to treat each other with decency.) Laurence is the type of employee who would keep me from wanting to visit the Island. I fear he would tell me that my skirt was too short or something.
As for the other fantasy, Laura Walter (Katharine Helmond) feels that her husband George Walter (Vic Tayback) is a chauvinist and she’s right. She wants him to experience what it’s like to be a woman so Roarke arranges for them to switch bodies. Laura is in George’s body and George is in Laura’s body but for some reason, the show dubs their voices so, whenever George speaks, we hear Laura’s voice and whenever Laura speaks, we hear George’s voice. It’s a bit awkward. Why would their voice switch too? Anyway, Laura discovers that women tend to toss themselves at George and George discovers that his business partner is a lech.
It’s the final season and final seasons often feel uninspired. That was certainly the case with this episode. Even the reliable Ricardo Montalban seemed bored with it all. In the end, it’s just not as much fun without Herve Villechaize around.
Through the Shattered Lens 