Lifetime Film Review: Identity Theft Of A Cheerleader (dir by Christie Will Wolf)


Poor Vicky Patterson!

All she wants is …. well, actually she wants a lot but none of it is really too much to ask.  Vicky (pictured above and played by Maiara Walsh) wants to grow up to lead a successful life, like the life led by her wealthy and demanding mother (Gail O’Grady).  She wants to be one of the popular girls at school.  She wants to date a star athlete and she wants to be the girl who throws the legendary party that all of her classmates will be talking about for years after they graduate.  She wants to be the captain of her high school’s cheerleading squad.  Not the co-captain or anything like that.  No, she wants to be the captain.

The only problem is that Vicky is 31 years old and she dropped out of high school a long time ago.  In fact, she dropped out after it became obvious that she would never make the squad, the popular girls would never accept her, and she’d never be able to make her mother happy.  So, now, Vicky is working in a dead-end job at an outlet store and supporting her good-for-nothing boyfriend, Darren (Matty Finochio).  When Vicky talks about going back to night school and maybe even trying to earn a degree, her mother informs her that she’s too old to have any hope of successfully breaking into any worthwhile industry.  In short, Vicky’s life is pretty much over.

However, Caitlyn’s life has just begun!  Caitlyn is what Vicky starts calling herself after she steals the identity of one of her co-workers.  As Caitlyn, Vicky enrolls herself at the local high school.  She tells all of her new classmates that she’s 18 years old and that she and her mom have just moved to town.  As Caitlyn, Vicky finally makes the cheerleading squad and gets to experience the life about which she’s spent the past decade dreaming.  Suddenly, she’s hanging out with the popular crowd.  She’s got an athletic boyfriend.  She’s got a future to which she can actually look forward!

Of course, there are some problems.  No solution is ever perfect.  For one thing, Darren wants to know why his girlfriend is suddenly dressing like a teenager and spending so much time out of the apartment.  For another thing, another girl is named captain of the squad so Vicky has to arrange for her to break her ankle.  (Vegetable oil has so many uses.)  There’s also the fact that one of her fellow cheerleaders, Heather (Karis Cameron), is suspicious that Vicky may not be who she claims to be.  This is a Lifetime film, so you can probably guess that this is going to lead to murder and attempted murder.  But seriously, what else could Vicky do?  Go back to working at Big Lots?

In the long and proud history of Lifetime cheerleading films, Identity Theft Of A Cheerleader is perhaps the best yet.  I don’t say this lightly because there’s been some great Lifetime cheerleading films.  But what sets Identity Theft Of A Cheerleader apart from all the others is the wonderfully unhinged — yet, at times, oddly sympathetic — performance of Maiara Walsh.  As played by Walsh, Vicky is both dangerous and relatable.  I don’t think there’s anyone alive who hasn’t, at some point, wished for a chance to relive a year from their past and make some different choices, if just for the opportunity to see what would happen.  Identity Theft Of A Cheerleader embraces the melodrama as all good Lifetime film should but, at the same time, it also taps into a very real human emotion.  Who hasn’t asked “What if?”

Despite the rather unwieldy title, Identity Theft Of A Cheerleader is an entertaining and undeniably enjoyable Lifetime film.  Director Christie Will Wolf and screenwriter  Barbara Kymlicka craft a fun melodrama that’s rooted just enough in reality to stick with you even after the final cheer.

Music Video Of The Day: Deranged For Rock and Roll by Chelsea Wolfe (2019, dir by Gilbert Trejo)


Deranged for rock and roll?

Hey, who isn’t?

I like this video because it kind of has this weird, dream-like feel to it.  You watch it and you get the feeling that maybe it’s taking place in some section of New Mexico that was spared from the apocalypse.  Life is going on, despite the end of the civilized world and everyone’s trying to enjoy themselves and continue doing what they were doing before the bombs fell but you still can’t help but notice that there’s less people around than before.

I know that some people will probably read that description and say that I tend to assume that every music video is, in some way, about the end of the world.  Well, maybe that’s true but can you blame me?  Seriously, if you don’t want me to assume that every music video is taking place in an apocalyptic future, stop shooting music videos in the desert.

Enjoy!

Music Video Of The Day: Kill The Lonely by Amanda Tenfjord (2019, dir by Onzonz)


To be honest, I initially assumed that this song was literally saying “Kill the Lonely” as in lonely people.  Watching the video, I assumed that the idea was that Amanda Tenfjord had been kidnapped by some sort of extremely hyperactive cult and they were brainwashing her by forcing her to take part in calisthenics.  From what I’ve read, it appears that’s how most cults get started.  Myself, I could never join a cult because the whole communal living thing would get on my nerves and I don’t think I would be able to focus enough to make much money selling trinkets on a street corner.  That may just be me.

I guess what I’m saying is that I wouldn’t want anyone to end up like Little Ice here:

However, it appears that my morbid interpretation of this song was, as usual, incorrect.  Apparently, this song is all about killing the loneliness that might be lurking within you and one way to do that is to hang out in the desert with a bunch of happy looking friends.

And I guess that could be a solution.  Personally, it wouldn’t work for me because I’m not a fan of the desert and I can only be around enthusiastic people for so long.  In my case, I would never cheer myself up by taking part in a group hug.  Instead, I’d curl up on the couch and read a true crime book while TCM played in the background.  To me, that’s how you kill any and all sadness.

Enjoy!

Music Video Of The Day: Overprotected by Britney Spears (2001, dir by Billie Woodruff)


This was one of the first Britney Spears videos to feature what would become a oft-visited theme in her videography: the desire to escape the paparazzi, relax, and dance.  This video finds Britney finding safety in an abandoned warehouse, which is the type of thing that’s kind of worrying to see.  I’ve seen enough horror movies to know that it’s never a good idea to go inside an abandoned warehouse, especially when you’re young and alone.

For instance, in college, I was fascinated by this deserted building that was sitting in the middle of the campus.  Apparently, the building used to be a dorm but, for whatever reason, it was closed down and then used to store furniture and what appeared to be damaged text books.  There were big chain locks on the door and weeds growing up all around it.  It was so strange, this creepy building sitting in the middle of our otherwise bland campus.

My friends and I would often go down to that abandoned building at 3 in the morning, just so we could look in through the windows and see if we could spot any zombies or serial killers.  We never did, though we screamed at every shadow.  Though we often talked about breaking into the building and exploring, we never did.  I didn’t believe in ghosts but I knew they’d suddenly exist if I entered that building.

I mean, it’s just common sense!

Luckily, Britney’s dancers follow her into the warehouse and presumably scared off whatever ghosts may have been haunting the place.  That, of course, allows this horror movie to turn into a dance party!  Yay!

Enjoy!

Film Review: Shadowplay (dir by Tony Pietra Arjuna)


When he was just a child, Anton Shaw disappeared, the victim of an apparent kidnapping.  He was missing for days until he was found with little memory of where he had been or who had abducted him.  He’s haunted by dreams of his mother being taken away from him, her farewell cry of “Adieu,” ringing in his mind.

As an adult, Anton (played by Tony Eusoff) is a private investigator, working in Kuala Lampur, Malaysia.  He’s not a particularly successful detective.  In fact, as the film begins, it seems like he spends more time reading old paperback novels about other detectives than doing any investigating of his own.  Even as an adult, he’s haunted by dreams and random flashes of memories, all linking back to the trauma that he suffered as a child.

When Anton is hired to investigate the disappearance of a college student named Lumya (Jurias Hartman), he soon finds himself plunging into the underworld of Kuala Lampur.  Everyone from Lumya’s dance instructor to her art teacher seems to have something to hide and, for once, Anton’s problem is not having enough options but instead having too many.  Everyone seems as if they may have had something to do with Lumya’s disappearance and the more that Anton digs, the more he finds himself obsessing on his own disappearance.  Could these two mysteries somehow be linked?

While Anton investigates, he also reads a book.  The book, with is credited to no author and no publisher, appears to be a choose your own adventure-type book from the 1980s and the choices that it asks the reader to make are unmistakably similar to the choices that Anton will have to make to solve not only Lumya’s mystery but his own as well.  Does the book hold the answers to Anton’s questions or is both his disappearance and Lumya’s destined to just be another unsolved mystery in a world that’s full of them?

 

Shadowplay is a wonderfully surreal mystery from director Tony Pietra Arjuna.  Tempting as it may be to call Shadowplay a film noir, perhaps a better label would be neon noir.  The city of Kula Lampur is definitely one of the stars of the film with, Arjuna capturing the urban landscape with its mix of beauty and danger.  The neon of the city glows in each scene, adding a progressively more and more menacing tint to each chapter of Anton’s story.  When Anton’s investigation leads him to a bar, Ich bin ein Berliner glows, in purple lettering, from a wall, a reminder that all things will ultimately be commercialized.  Towards the end of the film, when Anton meets some very bad people, the neon gives off a red glow that warns us of the blood that will soon be spilled.  Throughout it all, the synthpop score (provided by Stellar Dreams) pulses in the background, adding to the film’s dream-like feel.

Shadowplay is a film that keeps you off-balance.  It’s a film that keeps you wondering what’s real and what is just a fragment of memory or a figment of imagination.  It’s a film that welcomes a second viewing, just so you can pick up on the clues that you might have missed the first time around.  In the lead role, Tony Eusoff makes Anton into a sympathetic character and, even as the film grows progressively more surreal, the sincerity of his performance keeps you watching.  You want to know what’s going on in his mind.  You want to know the answers to his questions and the solutions to his mysteries.

Playing out like a filmed dream, Shadowplay is an existential journey worth taking.  It’s played in some theaters and is currently available on VOD.  I watched it on Vimeo.

Music Video of the Day: Criminal by Britney Spears (2011, dir by Chris Marrs Piliero)


But mama I’m in love with a criminal
And this type of love isn’t rational, it’s physical
Mama please don’t cry, I will be alright
All reason aside I just can’t deny, I love the guy

Well, seriously, can you blame her?  By showing us who she was with before she hooked up with the title character, the video for Britney Spears’s Criminal leaves little doubt that Britney made the right choice.  To be honest, that prologue makes the entire video and, especially when you consider the way that she’s been treated in real life, there’s something deeply satisfying about seeing Britney kick that jerk in the balls.

Britney’s co-star in the video was her then-boyfriend, Jason Trawick.  It was Britney’s idea to cast Trawick in the role and the director has said that he originally wasn’t enthused about the idea as Trawick was a former agent with little acting experience.  However, I think Trawick did alright.  The fact that he and Britney already had chemistry helped and, if nothing else, he’s not Kevin Federline.

This video was shot in the Stoke Newington district of London.  Apparently, there was some controversy because, at one point, Britney is seen holding a revolver and some locals felt that was insensitive given the district’s history of rioting.  Honestly, though, if you’re dating a criminal, there’s a pretty good chance that you’ll end up holding a gun at some point.  Southern girls understand.

#FreeBritney

Lifetime Film Review: The Secret Lives of Cheerleaders (dir by Peter Sullivan)


When I first started high school, quite a few people told me that I needed to follow my sister Erin’s example and try out for cheerleader and I have to admit that I was occasionally tempted to do so.  I never did because I already had ballet and drama club, I wanted to establish my own identity, and Erin told me that being cheerleader meant that I had to be perky all the time and, quite frankly, I’ve always needed my time to sulk.  Add to that, I’ve always been a natural contrarian so my usual response to several people telling me that I need to do something is to do the exact opposite.  (That was perhaps even more true in high school than it is today.)

On the one hand, I can honestly say that I have never regretted not trying out for cheerleading.  On the other hand, it’s only natural to occasionally wonder, “What if?” Would I have been the nice, responsible cheerleader like the type that Kirsten Dunst played in Bring It On?  Would I have been the bitchy cheerleader who cruelly maintained the school’s status quo?  Or would I have been the one trying to make fetch happen?  Personally, I like to think that I would have been the cheerleader who dressed in all black and who came up with snarky cheers that sarcastically commented on modern culture.

That question of “What If?” is one of the reasons why I always make sure to catch all of the Lifetime cheerleading films.  The other reason is that I enjoy making Erin watch them with me so I can ask her if they’re a realistic depiction of what it was like to be a cheerleader.  For instance, earlier today, I made Erin watch The Secret Lives of Cheerleaders with me and I asked her, “Is this an accurate portrayal of cheerleading?”

“Maybe if you were a cheerleader in Hell,” she replied.

In The Secret Lives of Cheerleaders, Savannah May plays Ava.  Ava and her mother, Candice (Denise Richards), have just moved to a new town and that means that Ava is going to be starting at a new high school.  With her mother’s very strong (some might say too strong) encouragement, Ava tries out for cheerleading and makes the squad.  Soon, Ava is not only a hit with the other cheerleaders but she’s also on her way to becoming the most popular girl at school!  That doesn’t sit well with Katrina (Alexandria DeBerry), the cheer captain and homecoming queen who is all about three things: trying to control everyone’s lives, hazing the Hell out of all the new recruits, and being more popular than everyone else.  When Ava makes it clear that she’s going to date whoever she wants (even if he isn’t a starter on the football team) and that she’s not really that happy with all the hazing either, Katrina plots to take down her only potential rival.

There’s not a subtle moment to be found in The Secret Lives of Cheerleaders, which is why it’s perhaps the best Lifetime cheerleader film ever made.  From the minute that Katrina gives Ava the side eye, we know that we’re in store for an epic battle between two differing philosophies of high school popularity, with Ava representing the way we wish things could be while Katrina represents what we secretly suspect the world to be like.  The film’s signature scene is perhaps the moment when Katrina and Ava get into an impromptu dance-off on the football field.  It’s so thoroughly and unashamedly over-the-top that it’s also more than a little brilliant.

I mean, seriously, this is a Lifetime cheerleader film.  You don’t watch a film like this for a subtlety.  You watch a film like this for scenes of Katrina live-streaming a hazing and forcing her rival to stand on edge of the roof of the school.  We watch a film like this for the moment that the entire high school breaks into applause as they watch one of their classmates get led away in handcuffs.  Savannah May and Alexandria DeBerry are well-cast as the rival cheerleaders and DeBerry especially deserves credit for making Katrina the most joyfully evil cheerleader in recent memory.

Whether it’s an accurate portrayal of high school cheerleading or not, The Secret Lives of Cheerleaders is an undeniably entertaining Lifetime film.  It fully embraces the melodrama and we’re all better for it.

Music Video Of The Day: I Wanna Go by Britney Spears (2011, dir by Chris Marrs Piliero)


“Are you having Brad Pitt’s love child?”

“Fuck you.  Fuck you.  You’re cool.  And fuck you!”

You tell them, Britney!

(Though you do have to wonder why there’s a guy wearing a Burger King hat at Britney’s press conference.  Did he just sneak in or is he a reporter who was having lunch when he got an emergency text telling him that he needed to get across town immediately?  Either way, that crown saves him from the wrath of Britney.)

With this song and this video, Britney Spears tells the paparazzi and the haters and the exploiters and the judgers to all go to Hell and it’s totally awesome.  Britney also pokes fun at her own image in this video, which is something that she never gets enough credit for.

The opening of this video also pays tribute to the press conference in Fellini’s 8 1/2.  Fellini, I think, is a filmmaker who would have appreciated Britney Spears.  Perhaps he also would have appreciated actor Guillermo Diaz, who appears as the driver of a convertible.

Be sure to keep an eye out for Crossroads 2: Cross Harder.

Music Video of the Day: Work Bitch by Britney Spears (2016, dir by ????)


Happy Labor Day!

I’m not really sure what this day is supposed to be celebrating.  I mean, I assume that it’s the day in which the workers are all supposed to unite or join a union or whatever but I’m not sure how that links to a few people getting the day off and no trash being picked up.  Personally, I’m just happy for the long weekend and I’m going to hope that none of my neighbors accidentally put their trash out tomorrow because then it’ll end up sitting out in the alley for three days and a 3 day-old trash bag is not something that anyone needs to see.

Anyway, it’s a part of the Bowman family tradition that, for the entirety of Labor Day weekend, I only listen to Britney Spears.  Usually but not always, I not only listen but I also sing along.  For the most part, it depends on the air quality.  As important as it is to sing along with Britney, that part of the observance can be ignored if you were running the danger of losing your voice before the holiday began.  The important thing is that you have to make your decision whether or not to sing along before Labor Day actually begins and, once you make the choice, you have to stick with it.  This year, due to some seasonal allergies, my voice was already a little bit hoarse before the holiday weekend began so I’ve chosen only to sing along to a few of Britney’s songs.

Anyway, this being Labor Day and all, it only makes sense that today’s music video of the day should be Work Bitch.  Now, I already shared the first video for Work Bitch.  The version that I’m sharing today is the live version, which was filmed during Britney’s performance at the 2016 Apple Music Festival.

Work Bitch is probably my favorite Britney song.  If nothing else, it’s the one that my sister Erin and I seem to quote from the most.  “You better work, bitch,” is a phrase that has many different meanings in Lisa-and-Erin speak.  To understand the phrase’s meaning at any particular time, it’s important to listen for which word gets the most emphasis.  “You better work, BITCH,” is actually the most affectionate use of the phrase.  On the other hand, “You BETTER work, bitch,” means that someone’s in trouble.

Britney’s been going through a lot recently and, as always, she’s had to do it all in the glare of the public spotlight.  (Just imagine how any of us would come across if our every personal difficulty and/or emotional moment was displayed on TMZ?)  On this Labor Day, keep her in your thoughts.

Enjoy!

Music Video of the Day: Don’t Care by Amy Peters (2019, dir by ????)


I’m a fan of any song about not caring.

Plus, look at that pretty house!

On a serious note, this video has a definite sort of 90s retro feel to it that I like.  Visually, it keeps thing simple and it allows the emotion behind the song’s lyrics to carry things through.  There’s something to be said for the song and the video’s simple honesty, which is a trait that seems to be all too often missing in music today.

Enjoy!