International Horror Film Review: House (dir by Nobuhiko Obayashi)


The 1977 Japanese horror film, House, opens with a teenage girl named Gorgeous (Kimiko Ikegami) who is excited about the start of summer.  Her father has finally returned home from Italy, where he was scoring a film for Sergio Leone.  (Supposedly, Leone said that her father was even more talented than Ennio Morricone!)  However, Gorgeous is upset to discover that her father has remarried and she has a new stepmother!  No longer wanting to be around her father, Gorgeous writes to her aunt and asks if she can spend the summer with her.  Gorgeous’s aunt (Yōko Minamida) agrees and invites Gorgeous to visit the country house where she lives with a white cat.

However, Gorgeous will not be traveling on her own.  She’s bringing six of her school friends with her!  Like Gorgeous, all of them have trait-appropriate names.

For instance, Kung Fu (Miki Jinbo) is athletic and good at kung fu.

Prof (Ali Matsubara) is intelligent and wears glasses.

Fantasy (Kumiko Oba) is a daydreamer.

Mac (Mieko Sato) enjoys eating.

Melody (Eriko Tanaka) plays music.

Sweet (Masayo Miyako) is …. well, sweet.

They’re all fun, cheerful, optimistic, and good-natured.  (They also all have a crush on their teacher, Mr. Togo (Kiyohiko Ozaki),  goofy fellow with sideburns and an old car.)  As soon as the girls arrive at Auntie’s house, they present her with a watermelon and then take a tour of the old house.  They all take the time to notice Auntie’s white cat, who is adorable but seems to have a little bit of an attitude.  Everyone’s happy and perky and it truly appears that this is going to be the greatest summer of their lives….

Of course, not everything’s perfect.  There are a few complications.  For instance, Gorgeous is still upset about her father remarrying and chooses to go off on her own. Mac goes out to the well and then doesn’t return.  However, her head is later seen floating around the house and biting the other girls.  One girl gets eaten by a clock.  Another loses her hands while playing the piano.  The piano then proceeds to eat the girl while Mac’s disembodied head giggles and says, “Naughty!”  Soon, there are body parts flying around all over the house and the downstairs is flooded with blood.  The cat, it must be said, appears to be rather amused….

I don’t know if words alone can convey what a strange movie House is.  This really is one of those movies that has to be seen to believed.  In many ways, it feels like a children’s film made by someone who really dislikes children.  Everything starts out very happily, with bright colors, frantic camera work, corny humor, and cheerful music playing in the background.  There’s even several incidences of deliberately crude, pop art-style animation sprinkled throughout the film.  Then the girls reach the house and suddenly, everyone’s screaming and there’s blood spurting everywhere and disembodies heads and other limbs flying around and yet, the tone of the film doesn’t change.  The music remains cheerful.  The humor remains corny, especially in the scenes involving hapless Mr. Togo and his attempts to rescue the girls, and the film’s special effects remains deliberately crude.  At the same time, there’s an interesting subtext to the film.  Gorgeous’s aunt is bitter over the death of her lover, who never returned from World War II.  When Gorgeous meets her new stepmother, the sky glows with an almost atomic intensity and one unfortunate character is literally vaporized into nothing.  The old house is literally eating the young, perhaps to punish them for being the first generation to be born after the end of the war and to have no firsthand experience with the twin traumas of the destruction of Hiroshima and Nagasaki.

As I said, it’s a weird, weird movie.  It’s also an incredibly watchable one, one that comes very close to capturing the feel of a filmed dream.  It’s not for everyone, this oddly cheerful bloodbath.  But I’d still recommend watching it at least once.

Lifetime Film Review: The Madam of Purity Falls (dir by Sam Irvin)


One of the first rules of moving to a new place, avoid any location that has a potentially ironic name.

Seriously, don’t live near a virgin spring.  Don’t move into the house at the end of Charity Drive.  Avoid Peaceful Meadows at all costs.  Happy Street?  Don’t even think about it.  And Purity Falls?

Listen, there’s no way that moving to a town called Purity Falls is a good idea.

Still, that’s what Nicole and her children do in the Lifetime film, The Madam of Purity Falls.  The recently widowed Nicole (Kristanna Loken) even gets a job as the guidance counselor at Purity Falls High School!  Since the family is still struggling to come to terms with the death of Nicole’s husband and the children’s father, the hope is that a new home can help them move on.  Younger sister Justine (Sloane Avery) is willing to give it a try.  But older brother Jason (Trevor Stines) is resistant from the beginning.  Even meeting and befriending Chad (Jonathan Bouvier) doesn’t seem to help with Jason’s angst.  Of course, Chad is soon found floating in a swimming pool, dead.  Can you believe such a thing could happen in Purity Falls?

Trying to adjust to a new school, Jason joins the wrestling team and even meets a girl who seems to like him.  But how can Jason go on a date when he doesn’t have a car!?  And how can he get a car if he doesn’t have any money!?  Hey, wait a minute.  Didn’t his new neighbor, Courtney (Olivia d’Abo), mention that she had some odd jobs that she needed done around the house and that she would be willing to pay him to do them?  At first, Jason is reluctant to work for Courtney but one of his fellow wrestling teammates assures him that working for Courtney will be the greatest experience of his life.

Courtney has a nice big house and a lucrative job selling organic cosmetics.  Everyone in Purity Falls seems to know her.  She puts Jason right to work, paying him for landscaping and sex.  Realizing that there’s a lot of money to be made from being a suburban prostitute, Jason agrees to become one of Courtney’s “boys.”  Soon, he’s sleeping with almost every frustrated housewife in Purity Falls, making all sorts of money, and getting into all sorts of danger!

Of course, Nicole is curious as to why her son keeps sneaking out of the house and then staying out for so long.  And some of Jason’s clients are into some things that make Jason uneasy.  And, of course, there’s the fact that people are dying.  Hmmmm …. being a suburban prostitute might not be as easy as it looks!  But is Jason already in too deep to escape his new life?

The Madam of Purity Falls is an enjoyably over-the-top in execution as it is in its name.  This is one of those films where everyone lives in a nice, big house and they’ve all got nice, big secrets to hide.  Don’t take the film too seriously.  Just enjoy it for the melodrama and the sex and for Olivia d’Abo’s enjoyably villainous turn as the Madam of Purity Falls.

Horror Film Review: Underworld (dir by Len Wiseman)


Underworld is one hell of a confusing movie.

I saw Underworld when it was first released in theaters, way back in 2003.  And I’ve rewatched more than a handful of times since then, mostly because of my huge girl crush on Kate Beckinsale.  And every time that I watch this movie, I find myself wondering what the Hell’s going on.

I mean, I get it.  There’s a centuries-old war between vampires and Lycans and the Lycans are basically werewolves but they’re called “Lycan” because Lycan sounds better than werewolf.  The Death Dealers are vampires who go around and shoot Lycans on dark rainy nights.  And apparently, the vampires think that the Lycan threat has been neutralized because the leader of the Lycans, Lucian, is dead but maybe he’s not because Lucian’s body was never found.  And meanwhile, there’s three vampire rulers and two of the rulers get to sleep while the other one reigns and they switch out every few centuries.

Oh!  And the vampires and the Lycans are not really supernatural creatures.  Instead, they’re people who have been infected by a virus that causes them to live a really long time and have a craving for blood or something like that.  So, that explains why none of the vampires turn into a bat or anything like that during the movie.  Instead, everyone just runs around and does parkour and shoots guns at one another.

Also, the vampires don’t have to prey on human beings because they’ve learned how to clone blood because cloning is the solution for everything.

And also, everything happens at night while it’s raining because the vampires and the Lycans are secretly living in the same world with humans, they’re just living underground.  They’re living in an underworld, if you will.

Also ….

Well, listen, there’s a lot of plot in this movie.  Underworld lasts for 121 minutes and there’s really not a slow spot in the entire film.  In fact, that’s probably one of the film’s greatest strengths.  The nonstop action keeps you from thinking about how the plot of the film just seems to be something that the filmmakers made up as they went along.  Instead of wondering how everything fits together, you’re too busy watching as the movie flies from violent set piece to another.

Underworld‘s other great strength is that it stars Kate Beckinsale.  Nowadays, the action girl who kicks ass and defeats evil while looking good has become such a cliche that it’s easy to forget just how exciting it was when we first saw Kate Beckinsale, clad in leather and effortlessly dodging bullets and ruthlessly killing Lycans.  Though its impact may have subsequently been diluted by too many sequels and imitations, watching Underworld for the first time was a very empowering experience.  Watching Underworld for the first time, I wanted to be Kate Beckinsale. If Kate could defeat both vampires and Lycans without breaking a sweat then I knew that I could defeat my own insecurities.   Of course, unlike Kate, I didn’t have the advantage of movie magic to help me down a backflip off of a wall and I ended up spraining my ankle but still, Kate Beckinsale in Underworld was the perfect antidote to years of previously watching women in horror and action films be treated like either disposable victims or damsels in need of rescue.

In Underworld, Kate Beckinsale played Selene, a Death Dealer who tries to figure out why the Lycans are all after a human named Michael (Scott Speedman).  Selene also falls in love with Michael, which leads to some complications after Michael gets bitten by Lucian (Michael Sheen), the Lycan leader who wasn’t really dead after all.  Meanwhile, Kraven (Shane Brolly) wants to take over the vampires and a vampire elder named Viktor (Bill Nighy) is woken up early and then ages backwards through the film, which is actually a pretty clever idea.

And, as I said before, it never really makes much sense.  But, as incoherent as Underworld may be, it’s still an undeniably addictive viewing experience.  The movie is pure style.  It takes place in a world where it’s always night and it’s always raining and where everyone is beautiful and deadly at the same time.  Whether they’re a vampire or a Lycan, People in Underworld movies don’t merely enter a room.  Instead, they throw the doors open and allows blue light to flood in as they make a grand entrance.  At times, the film’s style is so kinetic and overwhelming that it threatened to get a little bit silly but, again, that’s a part of the film’s appeal.  While Kate Beckinsale thrills you with her empowering performance, the visuals grab you and say, “We’re going on a trip and don’t worry about whether it makes any sense!”

That’s why I’ve watched Underworld several times.  It doesn’t have to make sense.  It just has to kick ass.

 

 

Horror on the Lens: The Last Man on Earth (dir. by Ubaldo Ragona and Sidney Salkow)


Hi there and Happy October 4th!  For today’s treat from the ranks of horror films that have fallen into the public domain, I present to you one of the most important films in horror history.  Though it wasn’t appreciated when it was first  released back in 1964, The Last Man On Earth was not only the 1st Italian horror film but George Romero has also acknowledged it as an influence on his own Night of the Living Dead.

It’s easy to be a little bit dismissive of The Last Man On Earth.  After all, the low-budget is obvious in every scene, the dubbing is off even by the standards of Italian horror, and just the name “Vincent Price” in the credits leads one to suspect that this will be another campy, B-movie.  Perhaps that’s why I’m always surprised to rediscover that, taking all things into consideration, this is actually a pretty effective film.  Price does have a few over-the-top moments but, for the most part, he gives one of his better performances here and the black-and-white images have an isolated, desolate starkness to them that go a long way towards making this film’s apocalypse a convincing one.  The mass cremation scene always leaves me feeling rather uneasy.

The film is based on Richard Matheson’s I Am Legend and no, it’s nowhere as good as the book.  However, it’s a lot better than the Will Smith version.

If you have 87 minutes to kill, please enjoy The Last Man On The Earth.

Music Video Of The Day: What Lies Ahead by Semblant (2015, dir by ????)


What lies ahead?

According to this song from Semblant, the death of humanity.

Contaminate.

Eliminate.

Terminate.

Blood-stained walkers all around.  That may sound like a zombie movie but they could just as easily be singing about every day real life in certain parts of the world.  The theme here seems to be that we’re all going to die but at least we can rock out in a hotel lobby before the zombies rip us up until little pieces.  And trust me, when the zombie apocalypse finally begins, you’re going to miss moments like this.

So enjoy it while you can!

Horror On TV: Degrassi: The Next Generation 4.15 “Secret: Part 2” (dir by Eleanore Lindo)


When last we checked in with Toronto’s Degrassi Community School, the school was recovering from a recent school shooting by putting on a production of Dracula.  While a fake vampire drained blood onstage, his real-life equivalent tempted girls into his van at the ravine with the promise of cheap bracelets and an escape from all the trauma of the past month.

In the second part of Secret, the play is finally ready to open but, much as how Dracula has infecting the stage with vampirism, Jay (Mike Lobel) has infected the school with gonorrhea.  Can Emma (Miriam McDonald) get through the play without having a complete breakdown?

There’s a B-plot here, of course.  Jimmy (Drake …. yes, the Drake) has been in the hospital ever since getting shot in the back by Rick Murray.  With the help of Craig (Jake Epstein) and Marco (Adamo Ruggiero), Jimmy escapes from the hospital so that he can attend a Kid Eldrick show.  (Kid Eldrick is Degrassi‘s version of Kid Rock.)  It’s actually kind of a nice little story.  My favorite line is Marco’s one about wanting to look like a ninja.

That said, this is the episode will forever be known for making national news when it aired in the United States.  Though it may seem strange now, this was considered to quite a controversial show back in 2005.  (Canadians, of course, got to see the episode first, when it aired on December 7th, 2004.)

One thing I like about this episode — and the reason why I am specifically sharing it now — is the way that the school staged their production of Dracula.  It looks like they did a good job.  I especially liked the way that they faked the blood in the staking scene.

Enjoy!

The TSL’s Horror Grindhouse: Guru, The Mad Monk (dir by Andy Milligan)


The 1970 film Guru, the Mad Monk opens with a woman being dragged, by two men, down a New York sidewalk.  In the background, you can clearly hear the sounds of Manhattan morning traffic as people head to work or school, presumably barely noticing that a movie is being made one block over.

Now, normally, that might not be a problem.  In fact, it’s the kind of things that you tend to expect from an independent film made in the early 70s.  Cinema verite was all the rage back then and many films from that period would incorporate documentary techniques, shooting on location and making use of actual bystanders and the sound of actual traffic.  However, Guru, the Mad Monk is supposed to be taking place on the isolated (and fictional) prison island of Mortavia.  Even more importantly, it’s supposed to be taking place in 1480.  Now, obviously, all historical films require a certain suspension of disbelief.  I mean, we know that no cinematic version of the 15th Century is going to be a 100% accurate and we really should be happy about that because the the 1400s were a pretty disgusting time to be alive.  I mean, we don’t need to see people tossing a chamber pot out of their bedroom window in order to accept that a film is taking place in a certain time period.  However, what we do need is for there not to be two scenes that feature the sounds of cars driving by the film’s set.  One half expects some random person to wander into the shot and hail a taxi.

Guru, the Mad Monk was directed by Andy Milligan, who is a legendary name as far as grindhouse filmmaking is concerned.  Milligan was an off-off broadway playwright-turned-exploitation filmmaker who didn’t let a lack of money and/or discernible talent prevent him from directing an estimated 29 films.  Milligan’s films are distinguished by angry (if usually incoherent) storylines, flamboyant performances from a stock company made up of local Staten Island actors, cheap gore effects, and poor sound quality.  One reason why you especially notice the sound quality is because a typical Milligan film is surprisingly talky.  It makes sense when you consider that Milligan developed his artistic vision while working in theater but, as a director, Milligan never seemed to figure out how to break free from the inherent stageyness of his scripts.

And yet, there’s also an odd and, at times, rather dream-like intensity to most of Milligan’s films.  Some of that is undoubtedly due to the fact that a typical Milligan film lacks any sort of intentional humor.  For instance, Guru features a supporting character named, believe it or not, Igor.  And yes, Igor (played by Jack Spencer)) is a hunchback.  And typically, you would think any filmmaker including a hunchback named Igor in a horror film made after 1940 would have to be having a little bit of fun with the cliches of the genre.  But no, Guru, The Mad Monk was obviously meant to be a very serious film and very much a reflection of the negative worldview that seemed to permeate all of Milligan’s films.  Guru, The Mad Monk is a dark film where almost everyone is corrupt and guilty of something and, watching the film, you get the feeling that its darkness is coming straight for Milligan’s heart.

Notice the white scooter in the background as these 15 century clergymen hold a meeting in Guru, The Mad Monk.

As for what the film’s about …. well, that’s hard to say.  The plot is rather difficult to follow.  Father Guru (played, in flamboyantly evil style, by Neil Flanagan) is the governor of the prison island of Mortavia.  (St. Peter’s, an Episcopal Church in Manhattan, stands in for the prison.)  Guru is usually quick to execute his prisoners so that his mistress, Lady Olga (Jacqueline Webb), can drink their blood.  It’s hard to say whether Lady Olga is supposed to be a real vampire or not.  When we first meet her, she just comes across as being a Lady Bathory-type but then there’s another scene where she appear to be wearing fake fangs and declares herself to be the “Soul of Darkness” so who knows for sure?

In between all of the eye gougings and beheadings that one would typically expect to find in a Milligan film, there’s also a love story as jailer Carl (Paul Lieber) falls in love with the latest prisoner, Nadja (Susan Israel).  Nadja is due to be executed but Guru agrees to spare her life if Carl will dig up some bodies and sell them to a nearby university.  Carl agrees but it soon turns out that he made a mistake trusting Father Guru.  It all leads to the expected bloodbath, along with Guru raving about the joys of living a life where “I preach one thing but continue to believe another!”

Clocking in at just 57 minutes, it’s a weird film.  Typically, I tend to defend films like this because, regardless of their flaws, they at least represent the director’s unique vision of the world.  That’s always been my defense when it’s come to Ed Wood, for instance.  But, when it comes to Milligan …. eh.  I mean, from a historical perspective, anyone who is interested in classic grindhouse and independent filmmaking has to see at least one Andy Milligan film.  And it can be said that you’ll never mistake an Andy Milligan film for anyone else’s.  But, at the same time, I have to admit that watching Guru was the longest 57 minutes of my life.

So, no …. unless you’re on some sort of Andy Milligan kick, I don’t really recommend Guru, The Mad Monk.

Sorry, Igor.

Video Game Review: The Count (1979, Adventure International)


You have just woken up in a bed in a Transylvanian castle.  Why are you there?  You’re on a mission.  What type of mission?  It’s Transylvania and the game is called The Count.  You figure it out.  You’ve got three days to figure out how to kill Count Dracula or you’ll suffer a fate worse than death.  Make a mistake and you might become a vampire during the night.  Try to leave the castle early and you’ll get torn apart by the angry villagers.

The Count is a very early text adventure game, one of the many that was created and designed by Scott Adams in the days when having a personal computer was considered to be a luxury instead of a necessity.  The Count has everything that you would usually expect from an Adams game: minimalist descriptions, silly humor (“The signs says ‘POSITIVE NO SMOKING ALLOWED’ signed Count Dracula.”), and puzzles that often take more than one run-through to solve.  It also has a simple two-word parser that, for modern players, might require some getting used to.

Historically, The Count is important because it was one of the first games to have a fixed time limit.  Timed challenges have always been my downfall, as anyone who has ever watched me play any of Spider-Man‘s side missions can tell you.  Solving The Count is not as challenging as catching Howard’s pigeons but it will still probably require a replay or two.

Like all of Scott Adams’s game, The Count has been adapted for other Interactive Fiction interpreters and can be downloaded for free..  The 1982 re-release, which came with graphics, can be played at the Internet Archive.

 

Horror Book Review: The Lovecraft Lexicon by Anthony Pearsall


Are you planning on searching for Cthulhu this October?

If you are, you might want to think again.  Seriously, Cthulhu does not like being woken up.  The majority of people who have gotten on Cthulhu’s bad side are dead and the one who survived have gone insane.  Add to that, it’s not always easy to track down Cthulhu.  I mean, sometimes it can be difficult to tell one lost city from another.  I guess you could try to track down your local Cthulhu cult or maybe you could summon Nyarlathotep and ask him for directions.  If I remember correct, I think that’s what Randolph Carter used to do.

If, despite all the warnings, you’re really determined to track down Cthulhu this summer, you need to order yourself a copy of Anthony Pearsall’s The Lovecraft Lexicon.  First published in 2005, The Lovecraft Lexicon contains all the information that you could possibly want about all of the persons, places, and things in the tales of H.P. Lovecraft.

It’s set up like an encyclopedia, with entries on …. well, everything.  You want to know about Charles Dexter Ward?  He’s in here.  Curious about Azathoth?  This book has all the information that you need to find.  Pearsall details the adventures of Randolph Carter and also sorts through the many legends about the Necronomicon.  This book is the next best thing to taking a course at Miskontic University.

However, the Lovecraft Lexicon is more than just an encyclopedia.  It’s also a reader’s guide, one that examines just what may have been going through Lovecraft’s mind when he wrote about some of his most infamous creations.  The book not only takes a look at Lovecraft’s work but also at the man himself and, to its credit, it’s honest about both Lovecraft’s flaws as a person and his strengths as a writer.  In the end, the book celebrates Lovecraft’s imagination and his influence on future writers.  Whether you’re a reader who is just now starting in on the works of H.P. Lovecraft or a writer looking to continue to tales of Cthulhu, The Lovecraft Lexicon is an invaluable resource.

International Horror Film Review: The Ghost (dir by Ricarrdo Freda)


The 1963 Italian film The Ghost takes place in 1910 at an isolated Scottish estate.  It’s the type of estate where the mornings are always foggy, the nights are always full of lightning, and shadows always seem to be creeping around every corner.  The film opens with a darkened seance, one in which the estate’s housekeeper, Catherine (Harriet Medin), serves as a medium.  It’s an appropriate opening because, as we soon discover, everyone at this estate is obsessed with death.

The estate’s owner, the appropriately-named Dr. Hichcock (Elio Jotta), is sickly and obviously doesn’t have much time left.  He speaks constantly of the end while his wife, Margaret (Barbara Steele) and his doctor, Charles Livingstone (Peter Baldwin), continually try to keep him for committing suicide.

Of course, just because Margaret and Charles seem to be committed to keeping Dr. Hichcock from killing himself that doesn’t mean that they aren’t willing to do the job themselves.  Margaret and Charles are lovers and are eagerly looking forward to getting their hands on Hichock’s fortune once he actually does die.  When Margaret suggests that maybe Charles could help the process out while still making Hichcock’s death look natural, Charles is, at first, a bit hesitant.  But, he finally goes through with it.

So, now, Dr. Hichcock’s dead!  They have a moodily-photographed funeral and everything!  However, Margaret and Charles are shocked when the doctor’s assets are revealed to amount to very little money.  Figuring out that he must have hidden his fortune somewhere in the estate, Margaret and Charles start to search but find themselves wondering how much they can trust each other.

Making things even more complicated is that it appears that Dr. Hichcock might not be done with either one of them.  Soon, both Margaret and Charles are hearing the dead doctor’s voice echoing throughout the house and other strange things start to happen.  Even the housekeeper gets possessed and starts telling Margaret not to trust Charles.  Is Dr. Hichcock haunting them from the grave or is Margaret being driven mad by her own greed and guilt?  Or is there another solution?

The Ghost is a moody and enjoyable gothic mystery story, one that is dripping with atmosphere and which features a typically fierce and compelling performance from the greatest femme fatale of Euroshock cinema, Barbara Steele.  Take the murder at the center of the plot and then add in the creepy housekeeper and you have a film that feels almost like a cross between Rebecca and Double Indemnity.  It’s not a perfect film, of course.  Especially when compared to other Italian horror-thrillers of the era, the pace is a bit slow and you’ll probably figure out the story’s big twist before anyone in the film does.  But no matter.  Once you get used to it, the slow pace actually adds to the film’s creepy atmosphere and, if the plot is familiar, it’s familiar in the way that the best fairy tales and other cautionary legends are familiar.  It’s an enjoyably creepy film and a perfect example of why Barbara Steele remains one of the most revered icons of Italian horror.