After some men go missing in the jungles of an isolated island, a group of mercenaries is assigned to search the jungle, battle the guerillas who control the island, and rescue the missing. Accompanying the mercenaries is a shifty CIA agent who seems to know more than he’s letting on. What the mercenaries soon discover is that the guerillas aren’t the only threat that they have to worry about. There’s a shadowy figure stalking them. Equipped with state-of-the-art weaponry and encased in impenetrable armor, this figure is following them like some sort of preda–
Wait. Does this sound familiar?
The 1988 film, Robowar, is an unapologetic rip-off of the Predator. Directed by Bruno Mattei and written by Troll 2 director Claudio Fragasso (who also plays this film’s version of the Predator), Robowar is such a rip-off of the Predator that it even ends with an end credits sequence in which we see clips of each actor stalking through the jungle. Reb Brown plays Murphy Black, the head of the mercenaries, and he spends a lot of his time shrilly shouting at them to “Move! Move! Move!” Catherine Hickland plays the head of a local orphanage. She introduces herself as “Virginia” and is called “Virginia” throughout the film but the end credits insist that her character was actually named “Virgin.” The other mercenaries are played by a combination of American and Italian stuntmen and some of them vaguely resemble their better-known counterparts from Predator. Max Laurel, who plays the group’s fearless tracker, looks like he could have been distantly related to Sonny Landham. Massimo Vanni and Romano Puppo play two mercenaries who have a relationship that’s similar to the friendship between Jesse Ventura and Bill Duke. Of course, in anyone really makes an impression, it’s Mel Davidson as the group’s government handler and who spends the whole movie smiling while delivering lines about how the entire group is doomed, himself included. It’s such an odd performance that it becomes rather fascinating.
What type of film is Robowar? It hits all of the same plot points as Predator but it does it with a much lower budget. Indeed, the film’s opening sequence appears to be made up of footage lifted from Mattei’s earlier film, Strike Commando. Whenever we see the action through the killer robot’s eyes, Mattei gives the action an extreme orange tint that makes it impossible to actually tell what’s going on. Reb Brown spends a lot of time yelling but the same thing could be said for the entire cast. This is one of those films where no one fires a machine gun without screaming while doing so. And yet, because it’s a Mattei film, it’s always watchable. Bruno Mattei (who born 92 years ago today in Rome) may have specialized in ripping-off other, most successful films but he was so shameless and unapologetic about it that it’s impossible to judge him too harshly. As always, Mattei keeps the action moving quickly and doesn’t worry to much about things like continuity. Mattei’s films were rarely good but they were almost always fun when taken on their own silly terms.
At times, Robowar almost feels like a parody of an American action film, with Fragasso’s script featuring dialogue that is so extremely aggressive and testosterone-fueled that even Shane Black probably would have told him to tone it down a notch. Much as with Troll 2, the film provides an interesting view into how Fragasso imagined Americans to be. Early on, we are informed that the mercenary group is known as BAM, which stands for “Big Ass Motherfuckers.” Later, one of the members of BAM insults two others by saying, “I bet they have the AIDS.” It’s as if someone programmed a computer to write an action movie and, as such, Robowar might turn out to be a surprisingly prophetic film.
Despite featuring a few Americans in the cast, Robowar was not available in the U.S. until it was released on Blu-ray by Severin Films in 2019. Though Bruno Mattei passed away in 2007, his work continues to be discovered by new audiences.
Big Brother starts next week and I’m going to have a lot less free time. (I probably should have made better use of my free time this week!) That said, I skipped the Big Brother special that CBS aired this week because I knew there wouldn’t be anything interesting revealed. Big Brother is a show that I both love and hate in equal measures. I never find myself looking forward to it but I always watch once it starts.
Anyways, here some thoughts on what I did watch this week!
I have to admit that Cole was one of the players who I thought had a really good chance of winning the game so I was a little surprised to see him leave the show this week. For the record, he was Alicia Keys’s brother. At this point, I’m just rooting for Olivia.
Degrassi High (YouTube)
I watched an episode on Sunday. Everyone was smoking weed.
Degrassi: The Next Generation (Tubi)
I watched a few random episodes on Sunday. Most of them were from the superlong tenth season, which isn’t really Degrassi’s best season but it is one that I occasionally like to revisit just because it’s not one of those seasons that really demands that you put a lot of effort into concentrating on what was happening on-screen. The tenth season of Degrassi is perfect for background noise.
The episode that I watched on Thursday was entitled “I Want My Child To Stop Listening To Marilyn Manson.” The kids loved Marilyn and the parents were panicking. Jenny Jones told her audience, “Now, you know, Marilyn Manson is a guy, right? He’s a male.” One of Jenny’s guests was a cutter. The audience booed her, which I doubt helped. “He is far from being one of the beautiful people!” one parent said, “He is a sadistic pig!” I think this episode was from 1996.
On Friday, I watched an episode in which Jenny revealed the results of DNA tests. As a host, Jenny Jones was so flustered and spent so much time stumbling over her words that I actually got a headache while watching her.
On Thursday, I watched an episode about young people with lovers who were old enough to be their grandparents. Many of them had angry family members who wanted to yell at them on national television. The audience did a lot of booing.
I followed this up with an episode in which women were encouraged to dump their “cheating boyfriends.” One of the boyfriends had cheated on his girlfriend with a 13 year-old! Hopefully, they broke up after the show.
I then watched a third episode, in which bratty teenagers talk about how much they disliked the men that their mother dated. I cringed as I was flooded by memories of my own bratty behavior whenever my mom started to date someone new.
On Friday, for reasons that even I can’t quite fathom, I watched another episode in which Sally gave updates on out-of-control teens, the majority of whom were still out-of-control. The boot camps did not work.
Stars on Mars (Monday Night, Fox)
The silliest reality show on television right now continued this week, with Rhonda Rousey asking to be sent back to Earth. Fortunately, since no one on the show had actually left Earth to begin with, it was a quick journey home. As for who I hope wins Stars on Mars …. eh, whatever the prize is, give it to William Shatner. I know he’s the host and he probably only had to spend a day or two pre-taping all of his scenes but he’s still the most entertaining part of the show.
The Steve Wilkos Show (YouTube)
I watched an episode on Thursday. Two brothers with really deep acne scars were on the show, trying to figure out which one was the father of a baby. Their annoying mother came out and screamed at everyone. It was so incredibly trashy that it become oddly fascinating.
I followed this with a second episode, in which Steve tossed an abusive boyfriend off of his stage. That was satisfying to see. Believe it or not, I do think that Steve was perhaps a bit more sincere than his fellow daily talk show hosts. The dislike that he felt towards abusers and cheaters always seemed real in a way that Maury Povich’s similar outrage did not.
On Friday morning, I watched two episodes while doing some work in my office. The first episode featured a woman with a scummy, abusive boyfriend. She dumped him at the end of the episode and the entire audience chanted her name. This was followed by an episode featuring a woman who claimed that her ex-boyfriend had stolen the ashes of her deceased and cremated child. That was weird and depressing.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Welcome Back Kotter, which ran on ABC from 1975 to 1979. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!
This week, we’ve got a two-parter!
Episode 1.16 “Follow The Leader, Part One”
(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on January 20th, 1976)
“Julie,” Gabe asks as they have dinner at the apartment, “Did I ever tell you about my Uncle Sylvester, who was a real nut?” Uncle Sylvester went into a psychiatrist’s office and said, “Doc, you’ve got to help me! I’m a dog!” When asked how long he had felt like that, Sylvester replied, “Ever since I was a puppy!”
Julie is amused by the joke but she’s not amused when, the next morning, Arnold Horshack wakes her and Gabe up by tapping on their window. Apparently, Horshack has gotten into the habit of coming over to have breakfast with Gabe and Julie and Julie is sick of it! “We don’t have any privacy anymore!” Julie says, “Everywhere we go, there’s a Sweathog!”
Gabe gets upset at Julie for not appreciating the Sweathogs and announces that if Horshack wants to eat with them, Horshack is going to eat with them. He then allows Horshack into the apartment, where Julie gives him the stare of death. It seems like this might lead to trouble later….
(For the record, Julie has every right to be upset as she’s basically standing there in her bathrobe while Horshack hops up and down in her apartment. I mean, Gabe could have at least let her get dressed before letting his creepiest student climb in through the window.)
At school, Gabe teaches the class about democracy. He asks them how leaders are selected. Epstein says that leaders are elected except for Gerald Ford, who became president because he was the only person in Washington who wasn’t under arrest. Trying to reach his students, Gabe makes the mistake of saying that Vinne Barbarino is the leader of the Sweathogs.
“You’re the leader of the Sweathogs?” Freddie says to Barbarino.
“Is a bear Catholic?” Barbarino replies, “Does the Pope live in the woods?”
Gabe says that if the Sweathogs were democratic, they would have voted for who they wanted to lead them. The Sweathogs agree to vote, with Epstein assuring Barbarino that there’s no way they would ever vote him out.
“Does anyone want to challenge Vinnie Barbarino?” Gabe asks.
Freddie Washington stands up. “Hi there.”
The Sweathogs vote by raising their hands. Barbarino gets five votes. Freddie gets five votes. Oh my God, a tie! Wait a minute …. Epstein didn’t vote! After Gabe tells Epstein that it’s up to him to pick the leader of the Sweathogs, Epstein smiles and says, “Washington!”
Awwwww! Poor Barbarino! He looks heart-broken!
Epstein explains that Barbarino has been leader for a long time and that it’s time for “New Blood.”
“Hi there,” Freddie says, “I’m Boom-Boom New Blood.”
Barbarino calls the Sweathogs “punks” and then announces he’s dropping out of school before storming out the classroom.
Way to go, Gabe!
Later that day, Julie attempts to make up with Gabe be bringing him lunch at school but she’s upset when he starts to talk about Barbarino dropping out of school. “Can’t you talk about anything other than work!?” Julie demands, even though Gabe is actually at work. Julie gets even more upset when Epstein and Freddie enter the classroom, despite the fact that — again — Gabe is at work and it actually is Epstein and Freddie’s classroom.
Julie storms out of class, saying that Gabe can’t take anything seriously. Stunned Gabe barely notices as the other Sweathogs return from their lunch. Then, he hears Barbarino calling for him out in the hallway. Gabe steps out in the hall, to discover Barbarino wearing a skull cap and dress like a priest. Barbarino explains that his father got so angry at Barbarino for dropping out of school that he kicked Barbarino out of the house.
“Don’t worry,” Barbarino assures Gabe, “I don’t feel this is your fault, even though most of it is.”
Barbarino says that he needs to place to stay until he can figure out what to do. Even though he has to know what’s going to happen as a result, Gabe eventually agrees to bring Barbarino home with him.
Needless to say, Julie is not amused. She yells at Gabe and Gabe yells back and, for a few moments, I remembered all the stories that I’ve heard about how Gabe Kaplan and Marcia Strassman did not get along off-screen. On-screen, Gabe Kotter tries to lighten the mood by asking Julie if he ever told her about his Aunt Ira.
“I don’t care about your jokes, Gabe,” Julie replies. Ouch!
Julie walks out on Gabe.
OH MY GOD! The 30 minutes are up! How will they resolve this? Well, let’s find out….
Episode 1.17 “Follow The Leader, Part Two”
(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on January 22nd, 1976)
I have to admit that I was really hoping that Part Two would open with Gabe telling Barbarino a joke about his uncle and Barbarino totally not getting it. Instead, it opens with a recap of Part One.
After the recap, the show begins with Gabe sleeping on his fold-out couch and …. is that Vinnie Barbarino sleeping next to him? The audience goes crazy because Barbarino isn’t wearing as shirt but me …. well, okay, Barbarino looks good and I would have totally had a crush on Young John Travolta too. Still, it already seems strange enough for a student to live with a teacher without the two of them sleeping in the same bed.
Anyway, Epstein wakes them up by knocking on the window. (The audience goes even crazier as Barbarino struts over to the window to let him in.) It turns out that Horshack is with Epstein. They both want breakfast. Barbarino pours milk and cereal on them.
Entering the apartment, Epstein and Horshack discover that Julie has left Gabe. Horshack is upset. Epstein grins. While the Sweathogs get ready for their day, Gabe calls the local hotel and, after realizing that she checked in under her maiden name, he finally talks to Julie. Julie reveals that she’s called Gabe’s cousin, who also happens to be a divorce lawyer. Gabe kicks out Epstein and Horshack and then orders Barbarino to either go to school or get a job.
“I bet you don’t think I can get a job,” Barbarino says. “Well, guess what? You don’t need brains to get a job …. and I’m going to prove it!”
Gabe calls Julie again and finally gets her to agree to meet him at the apartment at 3:30. He promises that he’ll head home right after school.
Speaking of school, Freddie has managed to alienate all of the Sweathogs by letting his power go to his head. He orders Epstein to get a haircut and he tells Gabe that the Sweathogs need a recreation period. For some reason, Freddie wants to start the day with a square dance.
To my very real surprise, Gabe manages to get back to the apartment in time to clean up before Julie arrives. When Julie does arrive, she complains that Gabe cares more about the Sweathogs than her (and she has a point) and Gabe says that Julie needs to stop always feeling sorry for herself (and, let’s just be honest here, he has a point as well). Gabe tries to make his point by punching table and has to briefly step into the bathroom so he can yell in pain.
At the worst possible moment, Babarino shows up. He took Gabe’s advice and he got a job! He’s selling Tidy Didy cleaning products, door-to-door.
Gabe tells Barbarino to go back to school and tells Julie she has to build her own life instead of getting jealous of him and his job. Both Barbarino and Julie say that they’ll think about it before leaving.
At school, Gabe teaches a lesson about the two-party system and the importance of competition. Freddie admits that he doesn’t enjoy being the leader of the Sweathogs but he also doesn’t want to be a follower. Suddenly, Barbarino shows up and says that he’s back in school. Yay! He also suggests that the Sweathogs don’t need a leader. Freddie agrees. Yay!
Barbarino then says that he hopes that Gabe doesn’t mind that he asked out Julie.
“You asked my wife out?” Gabe replies.
“Yeah, just a couple of minutes ago. In the hall.”
Gabe steps out in the hall and discovers Julie waiting for him. They agree to work out their problems. Yay, I guess. Seriously, Julie seemed really miserable with Gabe. Julie does say that she would like to tell a joke once in a while.
“I can be very funny,” Julie says. The audience laughs because even they know better. “Why did the chicken cross the road? To keep his pants up. Why does the fireman wear red suspenders? To get to the other side.”
That night, back at their apartment, Gabe asks Julie if he ever told her about his Aunt Bertha.
“No, no, wait!” Julie says, “Let me tell you about Aunt Bertha.” Aunt Bertha was so fat that when she sat around the house …. she sat around the house. That’s the joke.
This two-parter wasn’t bad at all. I like the fact that Gabe and Julie were both, more or less, equally responsible for the problems in their marriage and young John Travolta got to show off his natural comedic timing. Of course, if you know anything about the behind-the-scenes issues on Welcome Back, Kotter (like the fact that Marcia Strassman hated her time on the show), a lot of what happens in this episode takes on a deeper meaning.
Next week, Epstein finally finds a career path that doesn’t involve prison!
The 1927 silent melodrama, Children of Divorce, opens at a private Catholic boarding school in Paris. It’s a place for rich and idle parents to dump off their children while they enjoy the City of Lights. Jean Waddington is dropped off at the school and struggles to make friends until she meets the vivacious Kitty Flanders. Jean and Kitty bond because they are both children of divorced parents. (Kitty says that she has only one mother but that’s she’s had four different fathers.) Jean meets Ted Larrabee, who is Kitty’s neighbor back in New York and who has also been dumped off at the school by his divorced parents.
Flash forward a few years and Kitty (Clara Bow), Jean (Esther Ralston), and Ted (Gary Cooper) are all young adults. Kitty is in love with Prince Vico (Einar Hansen) but the Prince’s father refuses to allow Vico to consider marrying her because Kitty’s mother (played by future gossip columnist and Queen of Hollywood, Hedda Hopper) is not rich. Believing that the only way that she’ll ever be happy is if she marries a rich man, Kitty set her eyes on Ted. Ted, however, wants to marry Jean but Jean says that she’ll only consider marrying Ted if he gets a real job and proves that he can do something more than just live off of his father’s money.
Ted starts his own architectural firm and proves that he’s capable of hard work. However, when Kitty convinces Ted to celebrate his success by going out drinking with her….
Ted wakes up with a hangover. He soon discovers that he’s also woken up with a wife! While he was drunk, he married Kitty! Ted is stunned. Jean is heart-broken. She begs Kitty to grant Ted a divorce so that she can marry him but Kitty reveals that she has no intention of ever getting divorced. As she explains it, Kitty has been raised to marry a rich man, Ted is rich, and now, she’s married to him. Why would Kitty want to give that up? When Ted says that he’ll file for the divorce, Jean tells him that she can’t marry a man who would leave his wife and then she leaves for Europe….
Of course, that’s not the end of the story. This wouldn’t be a silent melodrama if it ended that simply. Instead, years later, Kitty does come to see the error of her actions and she also discovers that her true love remains Prince Vico. But, by that point, it’s too late and, of course, Jean still refuses to marry a divorced man. Kitty seeks redemption in the most extreme was possible….
Clocking in at a brisk 70 minutes, Children of Divorce is a wonderful showcase for Clara Bow, who was born 118 years ago on this date. Gary Cooper is properly handsome and sincere as Ted and Esther Ralston is lovely if a bit boring as Jean but the film ultimately belongs to Clara Bow, who brings so much vitality and energy to her role that it doesn’t matter that Kitty tricks Ted into marrying her and destroys all of Jean’s romantic dreams. Most viewers will instantly sympathize with Kitty and, to be honest, it’s kind of hard not to be on her side. Kitty has fun. Kitty refuses to let society stand in her way. While Jean makes a list of demands about what she needs Ted to do before she can even consider marrying him, Kitty encourages Ted to loosen up and enjoy his success. Kitty is the one who I think most viewers, at the very least, would want to be friends with. While Jean tries to run away from her problems, Kitty is determined to live her best life. Indeed, Kitty’s ultimate redemption is all the more effective because, once again, Kitty is the one who is making things happen while Ted and Jean just passively accept the conventions of society.
Clara Bow was one of the greatest of the silent film stars and Children of Divorce shows why. As opposed to many of the other actresses of the day, Clara Bow was convincingly cast as women who were willing to do whatever needed to be done to find happiness. Sadly, Clara Bow’s later years were not happy ones. She deserved better than the world gave her. Watching her in films like this one and It feel like looking out a window into the past, a time when it seemed like anything was possible.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing The Master, which ran on NBC from January to August of 1984. The show can be found on Tubi!
Max and McAllister continue their trip through California!
Episode 1.12 “Rogues”
(Dir by Gordon Hessler, originally aired on August 10th, 1984)
This week’s episode finds Max and McAllister on Los Angeles’s famed Rodeo Drive. We know that this episode takes place on Rodeo Drive because every single establishing shot opens with a close-up of the street sign. It’s as if someone in production said, “Do not let them forget that this episode is not only set on Rodeo Drive but we filmed it there as well!”
Wow, a television program filmed in Los Angeles! The Master was all about spoiling their audience.
Here’s my thing with Rodeo Drive — the word is pronounced Ro-Dee-O. Get out of here with all that Roe-Day-O nonsense, you yankees.
Anyway, this episode continues last week’s theme of McAllister and Max dropping in on people from Max’s past. Apparently, the hunt for John Peter McAllister’s long lost daughter has been abandoned so that Max can drop in on his old high school buddies. Seeing as how it hasn’t even been ten years since Max graduated from high school whereas McAllister has never even met his daughter and it’s totally possible that McAllister’s ninja rivals may be trying to kill her, it seems a bit odd that this is what Max and McAllister are concentrating on but whatever. We’re nearly done with this show anyway.
Max visits his ex-girlfriend, Talia (Cindy Harrell), at the health club where she works. Talia is an aerobics instructor, which means that there’s a lot of spandex in this episode. While McAllister deals with a trainer who takes one look at him and declares him to be in terrible shape (and she has a point because, unlike his stunt double, Lee Van Cleef was noticeably overweight and often seemed to be winded on The Master), Max talks to Talia and discovers that Talia’s brother, Jerry (Paul Tulley), became a cop and is now missing! Max promises to help her find Jerry.
However, it turns out that Jerry is just hiding outside the health club. When he sees Max’s van, he tosses a note inside of it, asking Max and McAllister to meet him. (How exactly did Jerry know that Max and McAllister would be able to help him?) It turns out that, while investigating a series of Rodeo Drive robberies, Jerry discovered that the culprits were rogue cops who had been hired by a local gallery owner. Now, the crooked policemen are after Jerry! Needless to say, it’s time for McAllister to put on his black ninja outfit so that Lee Van Cleef’s stunt double can beat up some corrupt law enforcers!
This was not a particularly memorable episode. The corrupt cops were generic villains and even the fight scenes, which were usually The Master‘s saving grace, felt sloppy and rushed. While it was always obvious that this show was dependent on stunt doubles, it was especially obvious in this episode as the stand-ins for both Van Cleef and Van Patten didn’t even resemble their respective actors. There was a brief moment of hope when the action moved to one of those police academy shooting ranges, full of fake buildings and cardboard targets but the show never really took advantage of the location’s potential. This was one of those episodes where it felt like the basic plot could have been used for a dozen other shows without having to make anything more than a few cosmetic changes. It could have just as easily been an episode of Half Nelson.
(L.A. — you belong to me! No, no, we’ve moved on….)
Next week …. The Master ends! Will McAllister even mention his missing daughter during the show’s final episode? We’ll find out!
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Thursdays, I will be reviewing City Guys, which ran on NBC from 1997 to 2001. Almost the entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!
This week, L-Train becomes a poet and “the kids” try to prank Ms. Noble because they literally have no life beyond obsessing on their principal. But before we get to any of that, let’s listen to that theme song and thrill to the shots of Scott Whyte and Wesley Jonathan wandering around New York City and totally looking like tourists.
Episode 5.17 “Prose and Cons”
(Dir by Frank Bonner, originally aired on November 3rd, 2001)
Chris, Al, and Jamal are obsessed with pranking Ms. Noble. Apparently, in his entire history as principal of Manny High, Ms. Noble has never been pranked. It’s something in which she takes a lot of pride, to the extent that she taunts Chris, Al, and Jamal about the fact that she’s never been pranked….
Does this sound familiar? Yes, because Ms. Bliss did the same thing on the forerunner to Saved By The Bell, Good Morning, Miss Bliss. Then, when she sat down on a chair that had been covered in brown paint and ruined her sweater, she accused Screech of being responsible and held a mock trail in her classroom. Of course, it turned out that Ms. Bliss actually pranked herself to teach the class a valuable lesson and to traumatize Screech in the process.
Anyway, the boys try to prank Ms. Noble by sabotaging a water fountain but that just leads to Cassidy getting sprayed by a bunch of water. And then they attempted to replace her gardening magazine with a magazine full of naked men that Jamal just happened to have with him for some reason but, once again, Cassidy and Dawn showed up and caused Ms. Noble to accidentally spill coffee on the magazine before Ms. Noble could read it. For their final attempt, Chris, Jamal, and Al somehow sneak a bunch of farm animals and several bakes of hay into Ms. Noble’s office. They manage to prank her but, while Al is sneaking in the animals, Ms. Noble unknowingly praises Chris and Jamal for showing so much maturity in not trying to prank her. So, Ms. Noble gets pranked but Chris and Jamal end up feeling guilty.
The prank stuff was stupid but it was at least kind of funny in the very silly way that Peter Engel’s better shows often were. Of course, the prank stuff was also only the B-plot.
The A-plot features L-Train suddenly becoming a poet and winning so many new fans that he starts to ignore his girlfriend, Kianna. The main problem with this storyline is that L-Train’s poetry sucked and the idea that he would become a hero at the local jazz club due to his doggerel was never a believable one. As always, Steven Daniel delivered his lines with a likable sincerity but the story itself just felt rushed. CityGuys was nearly over by this point and it’s hard not to feel that the writers were just treading water.
Episode 5.18 “Why Y’All Clippin”
(Dir by Frank Bonner, originally aired on November 3rd, 2001)
Here’s the plot description from Wikipedia:
In this clip show, the whole gang is having problems over a yearbook picture and are giving each other the silent treatment. So Ms. Noble calls everybody to Manny High on Saturday to work things out by reflecting on memories of the good, the bad, and the ugly that they had over the span of their time as friends.
Hey, it’s a clip show! I hate those. I guess it’s a good thing that this is one of the season 5 episodes that is not available on YouTube.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!
This week, Sonny Bono shocks the squares!
Episode 2.25 “Murder on the High Seas/Sounds of Silence/Cyrano de Bricker”
(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on March 17th, 1979)
Uh-oh! The singer who Julie hired to perform on the cruise had to cancel! Fortunately, Gopher has a connection at a talent agent and he is able to recruit a replacement. Meet Dominic Dark!
He’s pretty fearsome! When he arrives on the boat, he’s accompanied by his manager (Arte Johnson) and a living snake. When he performs in the Acapulco Lounge, he destroys his instruments and sings about how much he loves rebelling against conventional society. But underneath that KISS-inspired makeup and behind those sub-Alice Cooper-style lyrics …. wait a minute …. is that….
Yes, this is one of the four episode of The Love Boat to feature singer and future U.S. Rep. Sonny Bono as a passenger on The Love Boat. (Fred “Gopher” Grandy would also go on to serve in the House as well.) Not surprisingly, Mr. Dark turns out to actually be a rather mild-mannered gentleman named Phil Backstrom. Phil wants to abandon all the gimmicks and just make a name for himself as a singer but his manager orders him to keep putting on the makeup and to keep upsetting the squares. While on the cruise, Phil meets and falls in love with Sara (Sheila Lenham), who understands his love of music and who is also deaf.
It’s actually a pretty sweet story and Sonny Bono is so likable that it’s easy to see how he managed to go from singing to having a career in politics. But the main appeal of this entire storyline, and indeed this entire episode, is the chance to see Sonny Bono playing a 70s-style shock rocker. It’s one of those ideas that is so ludicrous that it’s actually kind of fun. Bono looks so awkward in his makeup that it’s hard not to root for him. I also liked the fact that the other largely middle-aged and obviously wealthy passengers all loved Phil’s act. It seemed like Phil’s biggest fans were the same people who, in theory, were supposed to be shocked by his antics.
As for the other two stories, Jill St. John plays Mitzi, an old friend of Doc’s who boards the boat with her new husband, Vinnie (Charlie Callas). It’s supposed to be their honeymoon cruise but Vinnie seems to be more interested in gambling than honeymooning. At one point, he says that, after living with Mitzi for two years before getting married, the honeymoon just feels like another trip. Needless to say, Mitzi leaves their cabin and decides to spend the cruise in Doc’s office. Doc Bricker is able to bring Mitzi and Vinnie back together but it’s hard not to feel that Mitzi made the right decision when she left Vinnie the first time. I mean, Vinnie’s a jerk! And he seems to have a bit of a gambling problem….
Finally, Isaac thinks that he overhears two people (Peter Lawford and Dana Wynter) plotting to kill Captain Stubing. This leads to Isaac and eventually the entire crew getting into a panic but it turns out that Lawford and Wynter are just two mystery novelists plotting out their latest book. The main problem with this plot is that it hinged on a mistake that Isaac, at least based on what we’ve seen of him in previous episodes, normally wouldn’t make. Misunderstanding a conversation seemed more like something that Gopher would do. Isaac has always been the smart and down-to-Earth member of the crew and Ted Lange never looks quite as comfortable with slapstick antics of this episode as Fred Grandy probably would have.
In the end, this was fairly negligible episode that was occasionally amusing due to the efforts of future congressman Sonny Bono.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. Almost entire show is currently streaming is on Youtube!
This week, Mr. Roarke gets married!
Episode 3.7 “The Wedding”
(Dir by Earl Bellamy, originally aired on November 3rd, 1979)
Helena Marsh (Samantha Eggar) and her son, Jamie (Paul John Balson), return to Fantasy Island!
The last time Helena visited the Island, she and Mr. Roarke ended up falling in love but Helena ended up leaving the Island so that she could return to the clinic that her late husband started in India. However, Helena has now come back to the Island and she has only one fantasy. She wants to marry Mr. Roarke! Mr. Roarke is going to make her fantasy come true. He’s so happy that he doesn’t even yell at Tattoo during this episode.
The entire Island is excited about the wedding. However, Tattoo grows concerned when he hears Helena’s parents (played by Laraine Day and Joseph Cotten) talking about how unfair it is that Helena is dying and probably won’t even survive the honeymoon. Tattoo goes to Mr. Roarke and discovers that Roarke knows that Helena is dying. Mr. Roarke assures Tattoo that Helena has one of those television diseases where death comes with little to no suffering. Unfortunately, Jamie does not yet know that his mother is ill.
The Hawaiian-style wedding goes off without a hitch. Mr. Roarke and Helena honeymoon on the other side of the island and, for the first time since this series began, Ricardo Montalban actually gets to wear something other than a white tuxedo. While Jaimie helps Tattoo train Chester the Chimpanzee to stop stealing things, Helena enjoys her last few days with Mr. Roarke. Unfortunately, the honeymoon is cut short as Helena grows ill. From his grandfather, Jamie learns that his mother is dying. “If life were fair,” Mr. Roarke says with tears in his eyes, “there would be no need for Fantasy Island.”
Awwwww! Seriously, what a terrifically sweet and sad episode this turned out to be. Ricardo Montalban and Samantha Eggar had fabulous chemistry together and Montalban, in particular, really seemed to be energized by the chance to do something other than act mysterious and enigmatic. In this episode, Mr. Roarke finally gets to show his emotions and when he cries, you’ll want to cry too. Helena dies peacefully on the island, in the arms of Mr. Roarke. Her final fantasy has been granted.
As for Jamie, he decides that he can’t stay on the Island. He has to go back to school so that, someday, he can become a doctor just like his mother.
Oh my God, I’m like seriously tearing up just writing this recap.
This episode was Fantasy Island at its sentimental and emotional best. This was a great episode, featuring outstanding performances from Ricardo Montalban and Samantha Eggar. Would you believe that an episode of Fantasy Island could make a reviewer cry? Well, this episode did.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing Hang Time, which ran on NBC from 1995 to 2000. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!
This week, the fifth season comes to an end,
Episode 5.13 “Fighting For Your Dreams”
(Dir by Miguel Higuera, originally aired on January 8th, 2000)
The previous episode of Hang Time ended with Deering High’s season coming to an unexpected end. It also featured Michael and Julie as an established couple and Mary Beth seemingly over Hammer. That episode aired in December of 1999.
It would be over a month before the next episode of Hang Time aired.
That next episode, Fighting For Your Dreams, features the Tornadoes in the middle of their season, Michael still being rather shy about asking Julie if she wants to see a movie with him, and Mary Beth still hung up on Hammer. Obviously, this episode was meant to air earlier in the season but, for whatever reason, it didn’t.
It’s actually not a bad episode. The University of Kentucky is interested in recruiting Antonio for their basketball program but, after Antonio injures his knee during practice, it looks like his playing days might be over. Antonio wants to spend all of his time feeling sorry for himself in his apartment but eventually both Kristy and Coach K convince him to stop feeling sorry for himself and start physical therapy. There was one extremely dumb scene in which Kristy, Eugene and Silk hired an actor to pretend to be the recruiter and give Antonio a pep talk but otherwise, this was an effective story and Jay Hernandez, Amber Barretto, and Dick Butkus all gave heartfelt performances.
As for Mary Beth, she and Hammer eventually broke up over the phone because the long distance relationship just proved to be too difficult to maintain. Awwwwwwww! Poor Mary Beth.
Episode 5.14 “My Family”
(Dir by Miguel Higuera, originally aired on March 11th, 2000)
Two months after the Fighting For Your Dreams episode aired, Hang Time got around to finishing out season 5 with My Family.
The family in question is Coach K’s. This episode finally reveals a little about Coach K’s past. We are informed that he’s divorced, his ex-wife lives up in Canada, and he hasn’t seen his 17 year-old daughter, Kate (Amber Willenborg), in a while. Coach K is super excited when Kate shows up in Indiana. It’s a chance for the two of them to rebuild their relationship. Coach K has an entire weekend in Chicago planned for the two of them.
What Coach K doesn’t know is that Kate has a baby. Kate is scared to tell him so, instead of taking her child with her to Chicago, she instead gives him to Julie, Kristy, and Mary Beth, three people who she barely knows. Needless to say, this leads to a whole lot of scenes of, “Ewww! The baby needs to be changed” and “Oh my God, the baby has a fever! Take him to the hospital!” The baby’s cute but Kate’s decision to just abandon him with three people that she’s just met just doesn’t feel right. Anyway, Kate tells Coach K about the baby in Chicago and they immediately head back to Indiana so that he can meet his grandson. And, much as with the previous episode, Dick Butkus saves the episode by giving a surprisingly sensitive performance. Coach K loves his grandson! Awwwww!
The B-story features the boys selling pagers to raise money for ski trip. Who cares? It’s dumb.
Next week: the sixth and final season begins! The end is in sight!
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Sundays, I will be reviewing the made-for-television movies that used to be a primetime mainstay. Today’s film is 1991’s Murder In New Hampshire: The Pamela Smart Story! It can be viewed on YouTube!
When Pamela Wojas (Helen Hunt) first became engaged to Gregg Smart (Hank Stratton), she thought that they would never get older or settle down to a conventional life. She thought that Gregg would always have long hair and that they would spend the rest of their lives following Van Halen around the country. But then Gregg got a job with a New Hampshire insurance company and he cut his hair. And then Pam failed in her attempts to get hired by the local news station and instead, she ended up accepting a job as the part-time media director at a local high school.
Pam spearheaded the school’s anti-drug campaign and ended up working closely with two students in particular, Billy Flynn (Chad Allen) and Cecelia Pierce (Riff Reagan). Billy and Pam bonded over their shared love of Van Halen and soon, they were having an affair. Was Pam just trying to relive her youth or was she already setting up Billy to murder her husband?
Based on the true story that also inspired Gus Van Sant’s To Die For, Murder In New Hampshire jumps back and forth through time. The film opens with Gregg being shot and killed by Billy and one of his friends. It then cuts to a courtroom, where a prosecutor (Howard Hesseman) tells the jury that Gregg was murdered on the orders of his own wife. A very conservatively and modestly-dressed Pam sits in the courtroom and provides quite a contrast to the far more wild and hedonistic Pam who we see in the film’s frequent flashbacks. While Gregg settles comfortably into life as a suburban insurance agent, Pam continually tries to hold onto her past. While Gregg wins awards for selling the most insurance, Pam tells Billy that Gregg beats her and that he’s dangerous.
It’s difficult to watch Murder In New Hampshire without comparing it To Die For. They both tell the same story and they even use the same flashback structure. But if To Die For presented Nicole Kidman as being a soulless killer who was driven by her obsession with being a star, Murder In New Hampshire suggests that Pam’s main motivation was that she just couldn’t handle the idea of settling down and living a conventional, suburban life. As well, To Die For presented Joaquin Phoenix’s gunman as being someone who was essentially incapable of thinking for himself. In Murder In New Hampshire, Billy is far more active character. Though he is undoubtedly manipulated by Pam, Billy is still portrayed as someone who made his own decision to get involved in Pam’s schemes. If To Die For is a stylized satire of the true crime genre, Murder In New Hampshire is the epitome of what was being satirized.
That said, Murder In New Hampshire is a good example of the true crime genre, largely due to Helen Hunt’s wonderful performance as Pam Smart. Hunt plays Pam as someone who has never grown up and who is so scared of being required to that she’ll even resort to murder to pull it off. While Murder In New Hampshire never quite escapes the shadow of To Die For, it’s still an effective film when taken on its own terms.
Through the Shattered Lens 