Horror on TV: The Hitchhiker 6.15 “Living a Lie” (dir by Bruno Gantillon)

Posted on October 28, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

When a bartender steals one of his customer’s credit cards, he learns that credit fraud can lead to …. HORROR! Let that be a lesson to everyone.

This episode originally aired on January 18th, 1991.

Retro Television Reviews: Welcome Back Kotter 2.17 “Chicken a la Kotter”

Posted on October 28, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Welcome Back Kotter, which ran on ABC from 1975 to 1979. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, Gabe needs surgery!

Episode 2.17 “Chicken a la Kotter”

(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on January 27th, 1977)

At the apartment, Gabe tells Julie about his Uncle Socrates Kotter. Uncle Socrates had a best friend named Euripides but they drifted apart when Socrates moved to Chicago and opened up his own dry cleaning place. One day, a guy who looked just like Euripides walked into the business.

“Euripedes!” Socrates shouted.

“Yeah,” the guy replied as he handed over his pants, “you menda these?”

Plato was not available for comment.

After the opening credits, we find ourselves back at the apartment. Gabe comes home from the dentist and tells Julie that he has three abscesses. (Good Lord, Gabe!) Gabe says that a root canal will cost thousands. Having the teeth pulled will cost hundreds. Or maybe he can just convince someone to knock out all of his teeth for free.

Julie says that she’s gotten a part-time job stuffing envelopes but that’s probably not going to pay for Gabe’s dental surgery. She suggests that he call one of the personal loan places that advertise on television. Gabe is reluctant because he hates their commercials but, at Julie’s insistence, he calls and asks for $12,000. The guy on the other end of the line asks Gabe what he does for a living.

“I’m a teacher,” Gabe replies.

“What’s he saying?” Julie asks.

“I’ll tell you after he stops laughing.”

Eventually, the guy asks Gabe about his assets. “I’m a fun guy,” Gabe says, “I’ve got a good sense of humor….” The loan guy tells Gabe that, if he takes out a loan with them, he’ll have to pay $110 a month for a year and that he would have to put up his first born son as collateral.

(Today, I should add, I spent $110 on Halloween candy.)

The next day, at school, the Sweathogs are confused as to why Gabe is slurring his speech when he calls roll. After Freddie asks if he’s okay, Gabe explains that he has to get dental surgery but he doesn’t have any way to pay for it. Freddie suggests that Gabe join the Marines. Epstein offers to go into business with him. Barbarino volunteers to be the prize at a raffle. Horshack offers to sell his body to science.

After class ends, Gabe sits at his desk and reads the classifieds. (“Wanted, hearse driver. Must not mind riding alone …. sort of.”) Woodman wanders into the classroom and reminds Gabe that he’s not allowed to “moonlight.” Gabe asks Woodman how he manages to make ends meet.

“My ends never meet, Kotter!” Woodman declares.

Gabe bemoans never being able to have fun on his salary.

“There’s more to life than fun, Kotter,” Woodman says, “There’s hard work, sacrifice, and REVENGE!”

After Woodman leaves, Barbarino, Freddie, Horshack, and Epstein return to the classroom and announce that they’ve pooled together their life savings to help out Mr. Kotter. They then hand him five dollars and 72 cents. “Stay mellow, fellow,” Freddie says.

Several nights later, at the apartment, Gabe tells Julie that he has to go to his second job as a “public relations expert at a restaurant.” Julie accuses Gabe of cheating on her. Uhmm, Julie — remember how you all talked about how Gabe would need to get a second job to pay for his root canal? It wasn’t that long ago….

Part of the reason why Julie is suspicious is because Gabe always takes a suitcase with him to work. What’s in the suitcase? Gabe’s work costume! Yes, I said costume. Gabe’s public relations job involves dressing up like a chicken and going to the grand opening of every new Mr. Chicken restaurant.

Guess who walks into the restaurant?

It’s Barbarino, Freddie, Horshack, and Epstein! Horshack, not recognizing Captain Chicken as his teacher, demands an autograph. However, the other Sweathogs quickly recognize him and, no longer as sympathetic as they were a few days ago, they proceed to make fun of Gabe and his costume. Unfortunately, because Gabe is on the clock, he still has to take their orders. They order the Gluten’s Gorge.

While Gabe relays the order to the kitchen, Woodman comes in and sees that the restaurant is having a contest where, if you guess the number of chicken bones in a container, you’ll win a free meal. Gabe has his back to him but he still clearly hears as Woodman announces, “460, Captain Chicken!” Gabe is forced to turn around and reveal that Woodman is “a few bones short.” Woodman tells Gabe to watch out for roosters and then laughs loudly as he leaves.

Gabe is then forced, by the restaurant manager, to do a dance with a cane and a top hat in order to celebrate the Sweathogs ordering a Gluten’s Gorge. The Sweathogs applaud and congratulate Gabe for being a “good sport.” Gabe explains that he took this demeaning job because he couldn’t get a day job because it would mean abandoning his Sweathogs. The restaurant manager then orders Gabe to get his “delinquents” students out of the place.

“Up your gizzard with a rubber lizard,” Freddie replies.

Rather than betray his students, Gabe quits his job. They all leave to get Chinese food. Yay! I love Chinese food.

Back at the apartment, Gabe tells Julie a joke about his Aunt Sophie, who always used to sleep with her mouth open and….

Wait a minute …. did Gabe ever get his dental surgery? It seems like that whole part of the story kind of got pushed to the side. This was an incredibly silly episode and it didn’t quite work for me because, as annoying as Julie can be, her whole assumption that Gabe was having an affair never made sense. She knew why he had to get a night job. Still, at least Mr. Woodman got a few good lines and it’s always touching when the Sweathogs reveal that they really do care about their teacher and themselves.

Seriously, though — three abscesses!? Here’s hoping Gabe takes better care of himself in the future!

October True Crime: The Hillside Strangler (dir by Chuck Parello)

Posted on October 28, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

2004’s The Hillside Strangler opens with a woman stepping into a dressing room with several tops. She removes all of the tags. Then she puts all of them on and finally covers them with the sweater that she was wearing when she first stepped into the dressing room.

What she doesn’t realize is that she’s being watched by a security guard named Kenneth Bianchi (played by C. Thomas Howell, with a thin mustache). Bianchi isn’t the type of security guard who relies on cameras. Instead, he sneaks around in the store’s heating ducts and stares down into the dressing room. Bianchi manages to get out of the duct quickly enough to stop the woman as she walks out of the store. He takes her back to his office and orders her to remove each layer of stolen clothing while he watches.

Agck! Seriously, as a former teen shoplifter, this scene totally freaked me out. Beyond the creepiness of seeing Bianchi in the air ducts, this scene also captures the authoritarian mindset. As soon as we see Bianchi, we know that his job is about more than just a paycheck to him. His job is about wielding power and giving orders. Wearing his uniform, Bianchi feels that he’s untouchable.

Bianchi dreams of being a real cop but the Rochester Police Department rejects his application to join because his test scores were too low. Sick of having to listen to him whine, Bianchi’s mother sends him to Los Angeles so that he can stay with his cousin, Angelo Buono (Nicholas Turturro). Maybe Angelo can knock some sense into him. Maybe Angelo can teach him about being a man.

Instead, Angelo soon gets as tried of Bianchi as everyone else. Still, he is impressed when Bianchi orders a fake diploma from Colombia University and sets up a practice as a sex therapist. When Angelo attempts to set himself up as a pimp, he makes Bianchi is partner. When Angelo and Bianchi fail at being pimps, they start picking up women and strangling them. Angelo and Bianchi start out by stalking sex workers but soon, they’re using a fake LAPD badge to prey on anyone that catches their interest.

Based on the true crimes of Angelo Buono and Kenneth Bianchi, The Hillside Strangler is a grim and frequently trashy film, a portrait of two misogynists who can only feel confident when they’re hurting others. Bianchi is the type who wears a t-shirt that reads, “Official Local Sex Instructor.” Buono has a doormat that reads, “Italian Stallion” and a sign on his wall that announces, “Candy is Dandy But Sex Won’t Rot Their Teeth.” Turturro and Howell give two disturbing performances as two losers who feed on each other’s sadism and anger. Bianchi is desperate for Bouno’s approval. Buono finds Bianchi to be annoying but he still enjoys being the younger man’s idol. Would Bianchi and Buono have committed their crimes if they had never met? The film leaves you wondering. As a viewing experience, it’s effective and disturbing.

In real life, Angelo Buono died in prison in 2002. Kenneth Bianchi continues to serve his life sentence.

Horror On The Lens: The Cloning of Clifford Swimmer (dir by Lela Swift)

Posted on October 28, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Today’s horror on the lens is 1974’s The Cloning of Clifford Swimmer.

This short but entertaining sci-fi film may be a bit obscure but it’s a personal favorite of mine. Check out my review here and then be sure to enjoy the show!

October Positivity: The Mark (dir by James Chankin)

Posted on October 27, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

The 2012 film, The Mark, opens with a covert attack by a group of mercenaries on a laboratory. The head scientist, wanting to make sure that his work is not destroyed, injects guard Chad Turner (Craig Sheffer) with a biometric chip. As Cooper (Eric Roberts), the head of security with Avanti Corporation, explains it, Chad is now the most important person in the world. He has been injected with the future, a chip that will replace the need for personal identification or currency. It’s a chip that Cooper claims will bring the world together under one big government.

Hmmm …. a Pureflix film about a biometric chip that will lead to one world government? Can we all guess where this is leading?

With the world economy collapsing and threats of war dominating the headlines, Cooper decides to personally escort Chad to the G20 economic summit in Berlin. Seeing as how everyone wants to get their hands on the chip, Cooper decides that the best plan is to fly to Berlin on a commercial flight. Cooper describes it as hiding in plain sight. I would describe it as being remarkably stupid.

Needless to say, the flight is an eventful one. Cooper enjoys talking to the other passengers. And Chad flirts with a woman who is convinced that the G20 summit is actually a conspiracy of some sort. The co-pilot asks a flight attendant to marry him and she says, “Yes.” Yay! One of the passengers mentions that he’s a minister and offers to marry them right there but the co-pilot explains that they’re not really into all of that religious stuff. Unfortunately, a mercenary named Mr. Pike (Gary Daniels) hijacks the plane and demands the chip, which is currently being absorbed into Chad’s bloodstream.

The film starts out as a Die Hard clone, with Chad sneaking around the plane and taking out the terrorists one-by-one. Cooper rallies the other passengers to fight back. But then there’s a bright flash of light and half of the passengers and one of the pilots vanishes. The clearly shaken minister says:

That’s right, it’s one of those films!

Can Chad and flight attendant Dao (Sonia Couling) figure out how to open up the locked cockpit so that the remaining agnostic pilot can land the plane? And will Chad be able to escape from the plane, despite the fact that Cooper is still intent on taking him to the summit?

Like a lot of PureFlix films, The Mark attempts to deliver its message in the guise of a genre film. Unfortunately, it’s a bit of a bore as an action film, with a slow-moving plot and fight scenes that feel as if they’ve been lifted from countless other films. Craig Sheffer is a bland hero and the terrorists are generic. Not surprisingly, it’s Eric Roberts who steals the film, playing Cooper as being someone who can be a valuable ally but who is also a bit too arrogant for his own good. If I was ever on a hijacked plane, I would definitely want Eric Roberts on my side.

Previous Eric Roberts Films That We Have Reviewed:

Horror on TV: The Hitchhiker 6.10 “Windows” (dir by Rene Manzor)

Posted on October 27, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

On tonight’s episode of The Hitchhiker, David Marshall Grant plays an artist who comes to believe that his paintings are actually visions of the future. The Hitchhiker is not impressed but it’s rare that he is.

The episode originally aired on November 23rd, 1990.

Retro Television Reviews: T and T 1.22 “Mickey’s Choice”

Posted on October 27, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing T. and T., a Canadian show which ran in syndication from 1987 to 1990. The show can be found on Tubi!

In this episode, a spoiled little brat discover that …. well, no. I should let Mr. T tell you.

Episode 1.22 “Mickey’s Choice”

(Dir by Donald Shebib, originally aired on June 6th, 1988)

“In this episode,” Mr. T tells us, “a street-smart kid finds out he’s still got a few lessons to learn!”

On the mean and cold streets of Canada, Rubberhead (John Matuszak) sends 13 year-old Mickey (Jamie Shannon) on a mission to pick the pockets of the Canadians who have gathered to watch a street magician. When the police nab Mickey, Rubberheard snarls, “Don’t talk, you little punk!” before walking away.

Because Amy Taler is the only defense attorney in Canada, she gets assigned to Mickey’s case. The prosecution wants to toss Mickey in juvenile hall but Amy argues that Mickey is too young for that. Rubberhead and one of his henchmen walk into the courtroom and are properly thrown out by the judge. Mickey gives them the thumbs up signal as they leave. My question is how has Rubberhead not been arrested as he seems to have absolutely no idea how to subtle about carrying out his criminal activities. Also, why is he called Rubberhed? Is that a nickname he wanted?

Rather then send Mickey into the system, Amy arranges for Mickey to be released into the custody of T.S. Turner. Amy is able to pull this off despite the fact that Turner is an ex-con, her hair is a mess, and Turner is late coming to court. Luckily, the judge is a fan of boxing and he decides that Turner’s former career as a boxer is the perfect justification for giving him custody of a rebellious 13 year-old.

As Turner, Amy, and Mickey leave the courthouse, they are confronted by Rubberhead and his gang. One of them tries to grab Amy.

“Excuse me, brother,” Turner says, “that’s no way to treat a lady.”

Taking advantage of the distraction, Mickey runs for it. After telling Rubberhead, “I’ll deal with you later, punk,” Turner takes off after him.

Fortunately, Turner is able to grab Mickey and drop him off with Aunt Martha (Jackie Richardson) and Renee (Rachael Crawford). Aunt Martha puts Mickey to work peeling potatoes. Turner then heads out to try to track down Rubberhead and his gang.

“When I was younger, I was Mickey,” Turner explains, “I broke my mother’s heart!”

However, despite saying that he’s going to go out and find Rubberhead, the next scene finds Turner having dinner with Mickey, Aunt Martha, and Renee. Turner leads the group in saying grace and even Mickey bows his head.

That night, Rubberhead leaves a bag of burning trash on Aunt Martha’s porch. While Turner is distracted by the fire, Rubberhead breaks into the house and grabs Mickey. Back at Rubberhead’s headquarters, Mickey brags about how tough he is until Rubberhead demands to know what he told the police.

We then cut to Turner asking various Canadians if they’ve seen Mickey. “Look, brother,” Turner says at one point, “I’ve asked politely and I’ve asked nicely. Now, I’m just asking.” Frustrated by one dead end after another, Turner goes to the gym and lifts weights for several minutes.

“That’s how he thinks,” gym owner Decker explains as Turner shouts, “MORE WEIGHT!”

Somehow, all of this weight lifting leads to Turner figuring out where Rubberhead is headquartered. Turner heads down to Rubberhead’s warehouse, where he is promptly captured and tied to a chair by Rubberhead’s gang. Rubberhead announces that both Turner and Mickey will be dropped down an elevator shaft.

“You gotta make a choice, Mickey,” Turner says, “Right or wrong.”

Mickey unties Turner and Turner tosses a motorcycle at Rubberhead, taking out both him and his gang. Turner and Mickey then rush to the courthouse, where Amy has been stalling a court hearing on Mickey’s future. Mickey reveals all that he knows about Rubberhead and his gang. SNITCH!

This is definitely an episode that suffered from trying to tell a 60-minute story in only 30. Seriously, the narrative jumped around so much and was so haphazardly edited that it was a struggle to keep track of what was going on. That said, Canada is a safer place thanks to T.S. Turner and that’s the important thing. That’s why they put their faith in him.

Horror Book Review: Best Friend 2 by R.L. Stine

Posted on October 27, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Apparently, R.L. Stine’s readers who so upset over the brilliant (but dark) ending of Best Friend, Stine felt the need to not only give them a sequel but to hold a contest to allow his readers to chime in and have a say in what should happen in the sequel. (To be honest, that sounds like more of a publicity stunt than anything else but hey, whatever works.) The contest was won by a girl in Wisconsin, which should be perfect evidence that the contest was rigged because everyone knows that Wisconsin is a made up place.

Anyway, in 1997 — something like five years after the publication of Best Friend so, seriously, how long did this contest last — Stine gave the world Best Friend 2.

Best Friend ended with Honey Perkins apparently murdering Bill with Becka’s knife and then promising to testify that Becka killed Bill in self-defense in return for Becka being her best friend and Becka …. agreeing! (Woo hoo! Way to go, Stine!) However, the girl from Wisconsin decided that 1) Bill wasn’t really dead (despite the fact that he certainly appeared to be dead at the end of the previous book) and 2) Becka went back on her word and reported Honey to the police. Honey was put in a mental hospital but, as this novel begins, Honey has broken out of the hospital and enrolled at a school near Shadyside. Honey tells everyone that she’s Becka and then she tracks down Eric, who was Becka’s boring boyfriend who was dumped for Bill in the first book. Eric was so heart-broken that he had to transfer to a new school. (Awwwww, poor Eric!) Honey puts Eric out of his memory by murdering him.

At Shadyside, Becka is still trying to recover from the trauma that Honey put her through. Becka is in therapy and she even discovers the true origins of why Honey is so obsessed with her. That’s right, it turns out that Honey is motivated by more than just a fanatical desire for Becka to be her friend and it’s actually kind of lame. Seriously, I hope that girl in Wisconsin never ever wrote anything else because she’s one of those writers who had to overexplain everything.

Anyway, Becka finds herself being stalked again and getting threatening phone calls and all of the usual stuff. Eventually, the stalker is revealed and it’s another twist and …. ugh. It’s a super lame twist. This is why you don’t let contest winners write books. Basically — should I reveal this? What the Hell, this book is over twenty years old. Consider this to be your SPOILER WARNING but basically it turns out that Honey is not the one doing the stalking this time but instead, it’s Becka’s best friend from the previous book who is upset over the fact that Becka never visited her in the hospital after Honey injured her. But there’s nothing about the character, from what we’ve seen of her, that suggests that this sort of thing would drive her mad. This is just a twist that comes out of nowhere. I mean, what are the chances that Becka is going to have two people in her life stalking her because they feel that she wasn’t a good enough friend?

(That said …. why wouldn’t you visit a friend who was put in the hospital by someone who was stalking you? Becka is kind of selfish but still, everyone in this book overreacts. Most people would just say, “Okay, I guess I’ll go find a better friend.”)

Anyway, Best Friend was Stine at his best but this sequel is lame and I blame the imaginary state of Wisconsin.

October True Crime: The Case of the Hillside Stranglers (dir by Steve Gethers)

Posted on October 27, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

1989’s The Case of the Hillside Stranglers is based on the killing spree of Angelo Buono and Kenneth Bianchi, two cousins who terrorized Los Angeles in the late 70s. Buono owned his own garage and aspired to be a tough and macho pimp. Bianchi was an aspiring police officer who supported himself as a security guard. Over the course of just five months, they murdered ten women. They probably would never have been caught if not for the fact that Buono eventually tired of Bianchi and kicked him out of his house. Bianchi moved up to Washington where he committed two murders on his own. When he was arrested, he attempted to convince the cops that he was suffering from dissociative identity disorder and that the murders were committed by his other personalities.

The Case of the Hillside Stranglers starts with the murder spree already in progress. Buono is played by Dennis Farina while Bianchi is played by a very young Billy Zane. Both of them are well-cast, with Farina especially making an impression as a misogynistic bully who thinks that he is untouchable. (In real life, Farina spent 18 years as a Chicago cop and, watching his performance in this film, it’s hard not to get the feeling that he had to deal with more than one guy like Angelo Buono over the course of his time on the force.) For all of their cockiness, the film emphasizes that neither Angelo nor Kenneth were particularly clever. The fact that they got away with their crimes for as long as they did was largely due to a combination of luck and witnesses who did not want to get involved. Early on in the film, one woman who is harassed and nearly abducted by Buono and Bianchi refuses to call the police afterwards because she doesn’t want to relive what happened.

That said, the majority of the film actually focuses on Bob Grogan (Richard Crenna), the tough veteran detective who heads up the Hillside Strangler taskforce and who becomes so obsessed with tacking down the elusive killers that he soon finds himself neglecting both his family and his own health. Whenever we see Grogan trying to enjoy any quality time with his children, we know that his beeper is going to go off and he’s going to have to search for a telephone so that he can call into headquarters. (Remember, this film was set in the 70s.) His children are a bit miffed about it, which I can understand though I really do have to say that his son, in this film, really does come across as being a brat. (“Just ignore it, Dad,” he says, as if there aren’t two serial killers murdering innocent people in the city.) The recently divorced Grogan pursues a tentative romance with a woman (played by Karen Austin) who, at one point, decides to investigate Angelo on her own. Crenna, not surprisingly, is sympathetic as Grogan. The film works best as an examination of what it does to one’s soul to spend all day investigating the worst crimes that can be committed. Grogan gets justice but, the film suggests, he does so at the sacrifice of his own peace of mind.

It’s a well-made and well-acted film, one that will probably appeal more to fans of the police procedural genre as opposed to those looking for a grisly serial killer film. In real life, Bianchi is serving a life sentence and Angelo Buono died in prison. And the real Bob Grogan? He appeared in this movie, slapping the handcuffs on Billy Zane.

The Eric Roberts Horror Collection: Black Wake (dir by Jeremiah Kipp)

Posted on October 27, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

In this film from 2018 (which is largely made up of “found footage”), authorities are confused by a series of mysterious, beachside deaths. The dead seem to have little to no connection with each other, besides having died near the Atlantic Ocean. Some think that the murders are the result of a cult. However, Dr. Luiza Moreira (Nana Gouvea) is convinced that the death are being caused by some sort of parasite that is transferred from host to host. Her boss (Eric Roberts) doesn’t buy it and he thinks that Dr. Moreira is becoming unhinged in her obsession with her theory. But soon, the streets are full of zombiefied killers, all of whom seem to be determined to reach the ocean.

As for Dr. Moreira, her boss may actually have a point about her behavior. Much of the film is made up footage of Dr. Moreira speaking straight to the camera, explaining her theory and also discussing how everyone that she works with is either too foolish or too in denial to understand that its right. Soon, she almost seems to be taking a bit of joy in just how out-of-control the situation has become. Meanwhile, she finds herself suffering from terrible headaches and occasional hallucinations. Two government agents follow her and watch her every move, ominously talking about how she doesn’t realize what is really happening. When she tries to go to her family to warn them about what is happening, she discovers that the situation is even more extreme than she originally thought.

Black Wake is a low-budget slice of Cthulhu-style horror, one that works because it embraces its low budget and basically tosses in every weird twist and situation that it can come up with. It’s an enjoyably weird movie and, if nothing else, it captures the extent to which some people will go to pretend that there’s nothing strange happening around them. My favorites were the dumbass frat guys who just had to pick up a hitchhiker, despite the fact that she was obviously homicidal and disturbed. One of the frat guys points out that it might not be a good idea to pick up a stranger while there’s a wave of mass murders occurring at the beach, one of his friends rationalizes the decision by saying, “She’s a chick.” Drunk frat boys so desperate to get laid that they’ll risk being murdered? That’s probably the most realistic moment in the entire film.

Eric Roberts appears in three scenes, playing an unsympathetic bureaucrat. (Is there any other type?) He’s not the only actor making a cameo here. Chuck Zito plays a sheriff. Vincent Pastore plays a doctor who memorably says, “Fuck this!” when confronted with the walking dead. And Tom Sizemore has two effective scenes as an unstable homicide detective.

Previous Eric Roberts Films That We Have Reviewed: