Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Monsters 1.19 “Rain Dance”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing Monsters, which aired in syndication from 1988 to 1991. The entire show is streaming on Tubi.

This week, a rather predictable story is saved and elevated by one truly impressive monster!

Episode 1.19 “Rain Dance”

(Dir by Richard Friedman, originally aired on April 22nd, 1989)

Tonight’s episode of Monsters deals with a couple living in a shack in the middle of the desert.  Tom Solo (Kent McCord) is a self-styled treasure hunter who thinks that he can get rich by swindling the indigenous people out of their valuable artifacts.  His wife, Vanessa (Teri Copley), is sick of living in the desert and just wants to return to civilization.  Vanessa is extremely vain.  Tom is extremely smug.  It’s easy to imagine how they got together but it’s bit more difficult to understand why they’re still together.  

When an angry old woman (Betty Carvalho) shows up at the shack, she spends a few minutes yelling at Tom for trying to take advantage of her people and then complains about the drought that is destroying their land.  She says that her people found and tamed the land and that some day, the land will again belong to them.  She also gives Tom an artifact, a statue of what Tom assumes he’ll be able to get a few bucks for.  Myself, I would probably turn down the statue because it is seriously creepy.

Yikes!

Of course, it turns out that Tom is wrong about having any chance of making money of the statue.  The statue is a rain idol, one that comes to life in the middle of the night to stalk both Tom and his wife.  When confronted by the statue, both Vanessa and Tom are transformed into statues that crumble into dust.  The next morning, the old woman comes by to retrieve her idol and happily says that the rains will now come to wash away the dusty particles that were once the Solos.

Again, yikes!

Seriously, this was not a particularly complicated episode of Monsters.  From the start, it was obvious that Tom and Vanessa were going to pay for their exploitation of the natives and it was also obvious that, since neither one of them had any redeeming qualities, neither would survive the night.  And, as soon as the old woman showed up with that statue, it was pretty obvious what the instrument of their doom would be.  Vanessa was established early on as being obsessed with keeping her skin from drying out in the desert heat so I wasn’t surprised when she eventually started turning into sand.

It wasn’t surprising but it still worked because the monster was scary!

Seriously!

The end result was an effective morality take about the perils of greed and assuming you’re more clever than you actually are.  In many ways, this could have been a particularly macabre episode of The Twilight Zone or Night Gallery.  Monsters is at its best when it offers a scary monster and a dark ending and this episode certainly did that.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 4.1 “Sergeant Bull/Friends and Lovers/Miss Mother”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, come aboard for season 4!

Episode 4.1 “Sergeant Bull/Friends and Lovers/Miss Mother”

(Dir by Roger Duchowny, originally aired on October 25th, 1980)

Well, it’s time for the fourth season of The Love Boat and let’s see who is going to be taking a cruise this week….

Hey, we know that guy!

Yes, it’s a young Tom Hanks, making one of his first television appearances on The Love Boat.  Tom had a sitcom coming out so ABC decided to promote the then-unknown actor by giving him a guest role on one of their most popular series.

Who does Tom play?  He plays a complete a total douchebag named Rick Martin, a former fraternity brother of Gopher’s who enjoys giving Gopher a hard time about his reputation for being “Strike-Out Smith.”  Rick makes Gopher feel so uncomfortable that Gopher impulsively claims that Julie is his girlfriend.  Julie plays along with Gopher.  This not only leads to sleazy Rick trying to steal Julie away from Gopher but it also causes Julie and Gopher to have real feelings for each other.

Yes, it is interesting to watch Tom Hanks play a sleaze but what is even more interesting, for longtime watchers of the show, is that Julie and Gopher make a surprisingly credible couple.  They actually do have a very likable chemistry together and it never seems improbable that they might end up together.  Of course, in the end, they decide to just stay friends because anything else would have upset the balance of the show.

Tom’s presence overshadows the rest of the show but there are two other stories to deal with.  Vic Tayback plays a former dill sergeant who reunites with his former recruits (Nipsey Russell, Harvey Lembeck, and Jack Somack) and who turns out to still be such a hardass that they bribe their cabin stewardess (Doris Roberts) to pursue a romance with him.  Of course, the two of them fall in love for real.  This was all a bit silly and Tayback’s drill sergeant was a bit annoying but it was nice to see him drop his guard around Doris Roberts and admit that he was only acting like a drill sergeant because that was all he had ever been.

Finally, Gwen Hutchins (Shelley Smith) boards the boat and tells Doc Bricker that she is two-months pregnant.

“Your husband must be very proud!” Doc replies, without missing a beat.

No, Gwen explains, she’s not married.  Once again, we are reminded that Doc is a walking HR nightmare.

Anyway, Gwen falls for a guy named Dennis (Dennis Cole) but she worries how Dennis will react to learning that she’s pregnant.  At first, Dennis does not react well, even asking her if she considered getting an abortion.  (She explains that she doesn’t support abortion, which definitely would not fly if this episode were made today.)  It all works out in the end but, seriously, I think she deserves better than Dennis.  Dennis Cole is an actor who I have seen in quite a few of these shows and he always seem kind of lost.  That was certainly the vibe that he gave off here.

This was an entertaining-enough episode, though almost all of the credit for that goes to the presence of Tom Hanks and the likable chemistry between Fred Grandy and Lauren Tewes.  It was definitely a good way to start off the fourth season.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Baywatch Nights 1.13 “Payback”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Baywatch Nights, a detective show that ran in Syndication from 1995 to 1997.  The entire show is currently streaming on Youtube!

This week …. eh, I don’t know.  This is a messy episode.  Geraldo Rivera is in it for some reason.

Episode 1.13 “Payback”

(Dir by Reza Badiyi, originally aired on February 17th, 1996)

This episode was a mess.  It’s hard to know where to even start.

In a reminder that Baywatch Nights, during the second half of its first season, was trying to be more like the show it was spun off from, this episode begins with an extended sequence featuring a woman in a yellow bikini.  She swims.  She walks along the beach.  She washes the sand out of her hair in one of those beach showers.  And then an unseen person shoots her in the neck and the camera lingers on her body for an uncomfortable amount of time.  The mix of sex and violence doesn’t feel particularly appropriate for a show that, at its best, is essentially just a goofy detective show.

After this opening, we are presented with Ryan and Mitch at some sort of party.  Ryan has just come back from Catalina and, just as I would do, she took some Dramamine so she wouldn’t get car sick.  Unfortunately, she has a little bit too much champagne at the party and is soon in a daze.  Mitch takes her back to his place where Ryan demands to know why he’s never tried to “jump all over” her.  Ryan then strips down to her underwear and ends up in Mitch’s bed.

Mitch, it should be said, is a total gentleman and sleeps on the couch.  But, the next morning, he decides that it would be fun to keep Ryan in suspense as to whether or not they had sex the night before.

To any men reading: DO NOT DO THIS!

Seriously, this joke is totally out of character for Mitch.  For that matter, it’s a bit out of character for Ryan as well.  (Everything we’ve learned about Ryan would suggest that she would be smart enough to know better than to mix Dramamine and champagne.)  David Hasselhoff and Angie Harmon did have a likable chemistry.  It’s a shame that the show tried to rush things with stuff like this instead of letting it develop naturally.

As for the show’s plot, there are actually two cases.  The lesser of the two features Garner helping out a young photographer named Griff Walker (Eddie Cibrian).  Griff accidentally got a picture of a model’s murder and he’s worried that murderers are after him.  Garner confronts the model’s ex and tells him to back off on trying to intimidate Griff.  It’s a weird plotline that was obviously only included to introduce the character of Griff.  (This is the third episode to feature Cibrian in the opening credits but the first to actually feature his character.)

Meanwhile, a reporter named Albert Romero (Geraldo Rivera …. yes, the one and only) comes to Mitch after some mobsters kidnap his wife, Bobbie (Meilani Paul).  Bobbie was previously being used to smuggle drugs.  Now, they want to use her to smuggle a bomb.  Fortunately, the mobsters are pretty dumb and Mitch is easily able to thwart them.  Unfortunately, this storyline features a lot of Geraldo.  As anyone who has ever watched him do anything can tell you, Geraldo Rivera is a person who is incapable of sounding natural or sincere.  Everything about him is calculated and over-rehearsed and that certainly comes through in his performance here.  Only Geraldo Rivera could make overacting boring.

As I said, this was a messy and way too busy episode.  It’s also one that nearly sabotaged the most appealing part of the show, Ryan and Mitch’s friendship.  I can’t wait until the UFOs and the sea monsters and the Vikings show up during the second season.

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 4.12 “The Heroine/The Warrior”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986.  Almost the entire show is currently streaming on Daily Motion.

Today, I discovered that the YouTube account that was home to every episode of Fantasy Island has been taken down.  This frustrated me.  Fantasy Island is no longer on Tubi or Prime.  In both cases, the original has been pushed to the side to make room for the reboot.  So now, Daily Motion appears to be the only platform to have every episode.  Bleh!  Daily Motion includes so many commercials that it takes forever to get through one hour-long show.

*Sigh*

That said, I’m dedicated to this show.  If I have to watch it on Daily Motion, I’ll shudder and do it.

Episode 4.12 “The Heroine/The Warrior”

(Dir by George McCowan, originally aired on January 24th, 1981)

This week, two more guests come to Fantasy Island with a desire to discover and prove who they really are.

For instance, Bob Graham (James MacArthur, who I just previously saw on The Love Boat) may seem like a rather mild-mannered fellow but he’s actually obsessed with the martial arts and his fantasy is to challenge and defeat the world’s greatest martial artist, Kwong Soo Luke (played by Mako).  Bob wants to impress his wife, Linda (Shelley Fabares).  Personally, I think it’s kind of sad that Bob thinks that beating someone up is the only way that he can impress his wife, especially since Linda seems to be pretty impressed with her husband already.  Mr. Roarke also explains to Bob that Kwong Soo Luke traditionally kills his opponents after he defeats them.  Again, you have to wonder why anyone would volunteer to go up against Kwong Soo Luke.

Anyway, this fantasy suffers from the fact that we know, from the start, that there’s no way that Bob is going to die on Fantasy Island.  But again, there’s no way that, after all of the build-up, Bob isn’t going to get his fight.  As a result, Bob’s survival and his victory are pretty much guaranteed.  It brings Bob and Linda closer together but I get the feeling that divorce is still waiting for them in the future.  “Remember that time you took me to an island and then spent the whole time fighting some guy I didn’t even know?”  Bob better get used to hearing that.

Meanwhile, when Florence Richmond (Mary Ann Mobley) steps off the plane, Tattoo immediately guesses that she must be a teacher.  Roarke explains that Florence is actually a writer, one who has had a good deal of success with a series of trashy romance novels.  However, the prim and proper Florence feels that she’s never experienced a grand romance of her own so her fantasy is to be the heroine of one of her own books.  Roarke grants her fantasy and soon, Florence is falling in love with the enigmatic and possibly duplicitous Brent Hampton (Cesare Danova) and nearly getting raped by the vile Porter Brockhill (Robert Loggia).  Florence is shocked to discover that her novels take place in a world where lust is more important than love and true romance does not exist.  Suddenly, Florence understands why her latest books were so uninspired and she leaves Fantasy Island determined to write about true romance.

This storyline featured nice performances from Mary Ann Mobley, Cesare Danova, and Robert Loggia.  For me, it was mostly interesting as an examination of a fantasy that I’m sure every writer has, the fantasy of living inside of one of their own stories.

Next week …. hopefully, someone will have been kind enough to upload the show back onto YouTube!

Music Video of the Day: V.A.N. by Bad Omens x Poppy (2024, dir by Garrett Nicholson and Poppy)


I can relate.  This whole month has been full of bad omens.  Let’s just hope that Valentine’s Day can redeem things and save 2024 from being over before it’s even begun!

(No pressure, lover!)

Enjoy!

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: CHiPs 1.13 “One Two Many”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing CHiPs, which ran on NBC from 1977 to 1983.  The entire show is currently streaming on Freevee!

This week, Baker has a double!

Episode 1.13 “One Two Many”

(Dir by Paul Krasny, originally aired on January 5th, 1978)

This week’s episode of CHiPs opens with a member of the California Highway Patrol pulling over a woman on the highway.  From a distance, he looks a bit like Jon Baker.  However, it soon becomes obvious that he’s not Baker when the fake highway patrolman (played by William Whitaker) says something offensive to the woman in the car.  We don’t hear what he said but the woman announces that she’s never been spoken to so crudely and drives back into traffic.  She also causes a crash as another car swerves to avoid her.  Inside the car, a woman is about to give birth.  Her husband begs for the fake patrolman’s help.  Instead, the suddenly panicked faker drives away.

Fortunately, Baker and Ponch then roll up and they get their day started by helping to deliver a baby.  As usual, it’s Baker who actually knows what to do while Ponch stands around and flashes that blinding grin of his.

Back at headquarters, the woman from the car has filed a complaint against the obscene patrolman.  When she takes a look at the pictures of all of the patrolman who were on duty at the time, she selects Baker.  Knowing that Baker isn’t turned on by anything outside of memories of his life Montana, Sgt. Getraer figures out that there’s a fake cop out there, one who looks just like Jon Baker!

Appropriately enough, Baker and Ponch are the ones who finally arrest him.  Actually, they cross paths with the guy several times, suggesting that God himself means for them to meet.  At one point, Baker and Ponch see a woman named Jobina (Trish Stewart) who is struggling with the fake cop.  They assume that she’s resisting arrest and they grab her.  The fake cop runs off while another real cop — this one from the LAPD — shows up and demands to know what’s going on.  It’s all a bit messy but let’s give credit where credit is due.  William Whitaker is effectively creepy as the fake cop while Trish Stewart gives a strong and emotionally realistic performance as the most prominent of his victims.  After everything she’s been through, she doesn’t want to spend time with any cops, whether they’re real or fake.  The show seems to understand that she has a point.

While this is going on, Ponch is getting on Baker’s last nerve.  Ponch’s RV is being fixed for numerous electronic problems so Ponch moves into Baker’s tastefully decorated apartment.  It turns out that Ponch is not easy to live with, as he really likes to listen to music while he’s sleeping.  As well, Ponch keeps hitting on all of Baker’s neighbors.  In the end, Baker decided to say in Ponch’s damaged RV while Ponch stays in the apartment so let’s just hope the building manager doesn’t find out because next week, both Baker and Ponch might be homeless!

We’ll find out next Monday!

Retro Television Reviews: Miami Vice 1.22 “Lombard”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing Miami Vice, which ran on NBC from 1984 to 1989.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

The 21st episode of Miami Vice is Evan.  It’s regularly listed as being one of the best episodes of the show and it’s not available to stream online.  Apparently, this is due to someone referring to another character as being a “faggot.”  Yes, it’s a dirty word but I’m an adult and I do think that I could handle hearing the word and figuring out the context of why it was used.  Censorship sucks so shame on Prime, Tubi, NBC, and everyone else who is involved in not streaming Evan.

With Evan not available to be viewed, I moved on to the first season finale.

Episode 1.22 “Lombard”

(Dir by John Nicollela, originally aired on May 10th, 1985)

The first season of Miami Vice comes to an end with a rather simple story.  Lombard (Dennis Farina) is a crime lord, a first-generation Italian-American whose father lived an honest life and who died poor as a result.  Lombard did what he had to do to get ahead and, as a result, he’s now a very rich man who lives on a boat.

He’s also being targeted by both rival gangsters and the law.  When Lombard agrees to testify against the Mafia in return for immunity, Crockett and Tubbs are assigned to babysit him until the trial.  Crockett and Tubbs are both weary of Lombard but Lombard turns out to be a charming guy with a sense of ethics.  He cooks them a big Italian dinner.  He entertain them with stories.  Crockett and Tubbs start to like the guy, even if guarding him means that they get involved in a few mob shootouts.

However, when it comes time to testify, Lombard refuses.  Under the immunity deal, he’s no longer qualified to plead the fifth but Lombard does just that.  Repeatedly, he pleads the fifth and, as a result, he gets enough contempt citations that he’s probably looking at least a decade in jail, regardless of the fact that he didn’t admit to any of the major crimes that he committed.

Sonny and Tubbs are impressed.  Lombard may be a criminal but he has a sense of honor.  He doesn’t snitch.  He’s not a rat.  Of course, that doesn’t make a difference to the criminals who apparently gun him down in the episode’s final ambiguous freeze frame.

The story was simple and, to be honest, it wasn’t anything that Miami Vice hadn’t already done.  But the episode works, because of Dennis Farina’s charismatic performance as Lombard and John Nicolella’s stylish and moody direction.  The first season of Miami Vice ends much as it began, with ambiguity and defeat.  Lombard scores a moral victory but is gunned down minutes afterwards.  Crockett and Tubbs keep Lombard alive just long enough for him to double-cross the authorities.  In the end, the ruthless gangster turns out to have more honor than the people prosecuting him and Crockett and Tubbs are again forced to consider that there’s not a lot of difference between them and the people that they’re chasing.

Next week …. it’s time for Season 2!

Music Video of the Day: Before We Drown by Depeche Mode (2024, dir by Anton Corbijn)


Finally, a music video to which I can relate!

Or, at least, I think I can relate.  I’m not really sure what the song is about.  I’m just reacting to the drowning imagery.  It’s easy to feel like you’re drowning under the weight of everything that you need to get done.  Being basically out of commission all last week left me running so far behind that I don’t feel like I’m ever going to caught up.

*sigh*

But I’ll make it!  I always do.

So, enjoy!

February Positivity: Loving the Bad Man (dir by Peter Engert)


A thoroughly misguided film, 2010’s Loving the Bad Man tells the story of Julie Thompson (Cree Kelly) and Mike Connor (Arturo Rossi).

Julie is a young woman who is so religious that she wears a Jesus Saves button to work and she agrees to let a young shoplifter off the hook on the condition that he go to church with her.  One night, Julie gets a flat tire while driving home.  Looking for help, she stumbles into a sleazy bar.  Mike Connor is a young mechanic from a broken home who just happens to be having a beer that night.  He offers to help Julie out.

Mike fixes Julie’s car but, the entire time that he’s working on it, he’s having flashbacks to an earlier physical confrontation that he had with his boss at the local garage.  Mike has issues with people looking down on him and when Julie attempts to thank Mike for his work by giving him a tip, Mike snaps.  Screaming that he’s not poor, he grabs Julie and, off-screen, he rapes her.

Mike goes to prison.  Julie gets pregnant but, despite the efforts of her family to convince her otherwise, Julie refuses to have an abortion.  While Mike is being targeted by the head of the Aryan brotherhood, Julie is giving birth.  While Mike is being tutored by the wise elder prisoner, Julie is raising her son.  After reading in the Bible that one must be willing to forgive all who have sinned against them, Julie decides that she has to forgive the bad man.

Now, there’s a lot about the first part of the film that doesn’t work.  Playing an upbeat Christian pop song over a rape kit montage is not a decision I would have made.  The fact that Julie never appears to actually be traumatized by her rape is another big problem.  The only time Julie gets angry is when her parents suggest that she not keep a child fathered by the man who raped her.  (At this point, I should perhaps note that, when it comes to abortion, I’ve never felt comfortable with the extremes of either side of the issue.  As far as this film goes, I could respect Julie’s parents’ point while also respecting Julie’s decision to keep the baby.  That was entirely due to my own personal feelings as opposed to any type of nuance on the part of the film.)  Finally, the authenticity of the film’s prison scenes are not helped by the decision to cast Stephen Baldwin (complete with obviously fake tattoos) as the head of the Aryan Brotherhood.

That said, I am a believer in forgiveness.  Many crime victims have spoken and written about the importance of being able to forgive the people who victimized them, often describing it as the first step in moving on with their lives.  However, forgiveness does not mean forgetting about what someone did or becoming that person’s best friend.  Ideally, it means letting go of the hate that was holding you back.  By forgiving those who have hurt you, you’re basically refusing to allow them to control your lives.

So, I don’t have a problem with Julie forgiving Mike.  I do have a problem with Julie continually showing up at the prison with a big smile on her face and introducing Mike to his son.  I have a problem with her baking cookies for him.  I especially have a problem with Julie eventually declaring that she’s fallen in love with Mike and telling him that meeting him was the best thing that ever happened to her because it led to the birth of her son.  I don’t care how much of a Christian she is or how into forgiveness she is, no woman is going to react like that when seeing the man who raped her.  Nor should any woman be expected to react like that, regardless of how guilty Mike feels or how many times Mike declares that he loves Julie as well. That doesn’t mean that Julie can’t forgive the bad man.  Nor does it mean that Mike can’t try to change his life while he’s in prison.  But the actions of the characters in this film make no sense.

Worst of all, the film builds up to a climax in which it appears Mike might have to sacrifice himself to protect Julie.  It is true that Jesus forgave the incarcerated.  But it’s also true that Absalom threw a feast specifically so he could have his half-brother killed after the latter raped their sister.

Forgiveness is a good message but this film’s execution is offensive.  Perhaps the only highlight is Stephen Baldwin acting like a tough guy and looking like he’s fighting the urge to laugh every time he opens his mouth.