Tag Archives: Retro Television Reviews

Retro Television Review: Welcome Back, Kotter 3.20 “There’s No Business: Part One”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Welcome Back Kotter, which ran on ABC  from 1975 to 1979.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

Gabe finally realizes that there’s more to life than teaching!

Episode 3.20 “There’s No Business: Part One”

(Dir by Bob Claver, originally aired on January 26th, 1978)

After Vinnie attempts and fails to be a hit at the Comedy Connection’s open mic night, the Sweathogs decide that Gabe should give it a shot.  According to the Sweathogs, the audience at the Comedy Connection loves it when people get on stage and tell really old jokes.  Gabe admits that he’s thought about doing stand-up before.  He decides to give it a shot.

And you know who is really happy about that?  Mr. Woodman.  Mr.  Woodman can’t wait to heckle Gabe.  Woodman explains that he’s a master heckler.  He’s been heckling people his entire life.  “Ever hear of Shecky Rubinstein?” Woodman asks.  No, Gabe replies.  That’s because Woodman heckled him until he quit show business.

The first night that Gabe performs, Woodman gets many opportunities to heckle.  While Woodman, the Sweathogs, and Julie sit in the audience, Gabe struggles through a routine about his aunts and uncles.  The audience is not amused.  Woodman laughs but only at the fact that no one likes Gabe.  As dispirited Gabe retreats to his dressing room, where he tells Julie that he’s going to give up on comedy.

That’s when agent Peter Charnoff (Sam Weisman) enters the room and tells Gabe that he’s funny.  It doesn’t matter that Gabe bombed because “there’s some crazy old man out there heckling anyone.”  Peter tells Gabe that he should talk about his students in his act.

The Sweathogs are surprisingly cool with the idea of Gabe making fun of them.  The next week, Gabe again takes the stage and the audience loves his jokes, especially the ones about how Freddie always says “Hi there,” and Epstein forges his own notes.  Gabe is a hit!  And, with Peter’s encouragement, he announces that he’s stepping away from teaching so that he can be a stand-up comedian.  The Sweathogs and Julie are stunned!

And run the end credits!

Hey, Gabe quit and apparently, he’s abandoning his wife and children.  I guess the show’s over now.  Thanks for reading, everyone!  I wasn’t expecting things to end this abruptly but overall, I enjoyed….

Oh wait.  This is a two-parter and this is just the end of part one.  So, maybe the series isn’t over.  We’ll find out next week, I guess!

As for this episode, it made sense that Gabe would eventually become a stand-up comedian.  I’m a bit surprised it took him this long.  I’m not really sure that audiences would actually go crazy over the rather anodyne jokes that Gabe told about his students but whatever.  It’s television.  (In Gabe Kaplan’s actual stand-up act, Arnold Horshack was named Arnold Horseshit.  Obviously, that wasn’t going to happen on network television in 1978.)  The highlight, as usual, was Woodman’s unhinged delight in being a jerk.  Mr. Woodman is a true treasure.

We’ll see how Gabe’s new career progresses next week!

Late Night Retro Television Review: Friday the 13th: The Series 2.2 “The Voodoo Mambo”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing Friday the 13th: The Series, a show which ran in syndication from 1987 to 1990. The show can be found on YouTube!

This week, Micki, Ryan, and Jack get involved in voodoo!

Episode 2.2 “The Voodoo Mambo”

(Dir by Timothy Bond, originally aired on October 7th, 1988)

This episode opens with Micki and Ryan watching a street party that just happens to be taking place in front of Curious Goods.  It’s a Haitian voodoo party and, judging from Micki and Ryan’s comments, it is apparently some sort of annual event that takes place wherever this show is supposed to be set.

(If Curious Goods was set in New Orleans, I could maybe buy this without giving it too much thought.  But the show is filmed in Canada and, judging from the states that were specifically mentioned over the course of the first few episode, it appears that Curious Goods is meant to be located in the Northeast.  How many voodoo street parties do you see in New Jersey?)

Micki and Ryan want to join the party but Jack insists that they first meet his old friend, Hedley (Joe Seneca).  Hedely is a powerful voodoo priest and he has traveled to the city so that his daughter, Stacy (Rachael Crawford, who was on the first season of T & T until her character vanished), can become a priestess.  Ryan is obviously attracted to Stacy but the attraction goes nowhere, which I guess is good considering that every woman who likes Ryan ends up dying in some terrible way.

Meanwhile, good-for-nothing Carl Walters (David Matheson) is in danger of losing the mansion that has been in his family’s possession ever since their days as plantation overlords.  Carl finds a voodoo mask in the basement.  Whenever he puts the mask on, the spirit of a voodoo priestess named Laotia (Suzanna Coy) rips out someone’s throat.  Laotia wants to rip out the throats of the city’s top voodoo priests so that she can gain their powers.  Carl agrees to help because part of the deal is that Carl will get what he wants as well.  I’m not sure what Carl wants, though.  Money, I guess.  But it doesn’t matter because, of course, Laotia is really only concerned with what she wants.

This episode had some atmospheric moments, especially in the scenes featuring the big party outside of Curious Goods.  There’s also some black-and-white footage of actual voodoo ceremonies that is randomly inserted throughout the episode.  I assume that black-and-white footage is meant to be a flashback or something like that, though the show never really makes it all that clear.  That said, this episode was a bit on the dull side.  Carl and Laotia were not particularly interesting and this is the second episode this season to feature an old friend of Jack’s.  (That wouldn’t be a problem, except for the fact that we’re only two episodes in.)  This episode felt a bit tired, as if someone entered the production office and shouted, “I need an episode about Voodoo!  You’ve got 48 hours!”

Next week, hopefully, thing will be a bit more interesting.

Retro Television Review: T and T 3.7 “A Lesson In Values”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing T. and T., a Canadian show which ran in syndication from 1987 to 1990.  The show can be found on Tubi!

In this episode, Terri finally get to show what she can do in court.

Episode 3.7 “A Lesson In Values”

(Dir by Clay Borris, originally aired on February 17th, 1990)

While working late at the courthouse, Terri stumbles across a homeless man named Nesmith.  Nesmith explains that he’s not a drug addict or a drunk or a criminal or anyone dangerous.  He’s just a man who lives on the streets and travels the country, jotting down his thoughts in notebooks.  Terri is charmed by Nesmith and offers to find him room at a nearby hostel.  Nesmith accepts the offer but then drops dead of a heart attack.

Terri takes it upon herself to serve as executor of his estate.  In his will, Nesmith asks that all of his money — several thousand dollars — be left to his friend and traveling companion, Junior Grayson.  Turner tracks down Grayson, which is about all T.S. Turner does in this episode.  Instead, the entire episode revolves around Terri trying to prove that Nesmith’s will is legitimate.  Nesmith’s wife (Fran Gebhard) and her sleazy attorney (John Stocker) want the money for themselves, despite the fact that Nesmith left home 12 years previously and had little contact with her afterwards.

It took seven episodes but Terri finally gets to be at the center of an episode.  Unfortunately, it’s a pretty predictable episode and it’s also one that presents the homeless as being not people in need of support but instead as whimsical truth-tellers who enjoy living on the streets.  As played by Kristina Nicoll, Terri is not a particularly credible attorney.  I mean, Amy was definitely an underused character but you never doubted that she knew what she was doing in court.  Terri, on the other hand, seems to think that suggesting that the judge will be a big meany head if she doesn’t find for Grayson is an effective argument.

In the end, Grayson does get the money but, because Nesmith’s owed a bunch of back taxes (Come on, Canada, the mans dead!), Grayson will only be getting a few dollars.  That’s okay, though.  Grayson knows that there’s more to life than money.  Grayson gives Terri all of Nesmith’s notebooks and the episode ends with Terri starting to read them while Turner and Decker box in the background.  (Seriously, Turner does next to nothing in this episode and, from what we do see of him, he just seems to be annoyed in general.)  Personally, I was hoping that the episode would end with Terri announcing that she was going to get the notebooks published so that everyone could know who Nesmith was.

Another strange thing about this episode is that the actors playing Nesmith and Grayson were not credited.  I sat through this show a handful of times, looking for their names but they were never listed.  (And they’re not listed at the imdb either.)  The actor playing Grayson gave a heartfelt performance and was this episode’s redeeming factor.  I wish I could credit him.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Highway to Heaven 2.8 “The Smile In The Third Row”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Highway to Heaven, which aired on NBC from 1984 to 1989.  The entire show is currently streaming on Freevee and several other services!

This week, Jonathan and Mark head to Broadway!

Episode 2.8 “The Smile In The Third Row”

(Dir by Michael Landon, originally aired on November 20th, 1985)

Fred Fusco (Lorne Greene) is a veteran actor who is appearing in a Broadway play.  In the play, Fred plays a man who learns that he’s about to die.  During the third act, Fred’s character actually does die and Fred ends the play with a monologue about owning the choices he made in his life before he ascends into Heaven (via a harness).

It’s a depressing play and the theater is usually half-empty whenever Fred performs.  But one night, Fred claims that he spotted God sitting in the third row.  Fred also says that God really enjoyed the show.  When the news get out, the play becomes a huge success as audiences turn out to see a play endorsed by God.  Fred becomes a huge celebrity and befriends a terminally ill boy who promises to say hi to God when he goes to Heaven.  However, when Fred starts to talk about leaving his fortune to charity, both his sister (Mary Ann Gibson) and his nephew (David L. Lander) conspire to have him committed.

Fred also happens to be Jonathan and Mark’s later assignment.  Mark gets a job at the theater while Jonathan puts on a collar and becomes Father Jonathan.  While Mark is convinced that Fred is actually seeing God, Jonathan is skeptical because Jonathan doesn’t see God in the theater.  Why, Jonathan asks, would God reveal himself to an actor but not an angel?  There’s an interesting subtext here, as it quickly becomes obvious that Jonathan isn’t so much skeptical as he’s jealous.  He even rather recklessly reveals to Fred that he’s an angel in his quest to convince Fred that he hasn’t actually seen God.  Fred reveals that he’s willing to accept Jonathan’s word that he’s an angel but then asks why Jonathan is not willing to accept his word that he sees God in the theater.

Is God in the theater?  At the end of the episode, Fred’s harness is broken but, at the end of the third act, he still ascends above the theater and then vanishes.  The newspapers call it a hoax but the show suggests that, much like Elijah, he’s been assumed straight to Heaven.  Is Fred meant to be a modern day Elijah?  Would that therefore make his sister a modern-day Jezebel?  Perhaps but, fortunately for her, she is never eaten by wild dogs.

As usual, there wasn’t much subtlety to be found in this episode of Highway to Heaven but it still worked surprisingly well.  When Fred met the dying child, my first instinct was to roll my eyes at the obviousness of it all but those same eyes had tears in them by the time the scene was over.  The episode benefitted greatly from Lorne Greene’s strong performance as Fred Fusco and Michael Landon’s strong portrayal of Jonathan’s mixed feelings about Fred’s claims.  All in all, this was a strong episode.

Retro Television Review: Malibu, CA 1.1 “Welcome to Malibu”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Malibu CA, which aired in Syndication in 1998 and 1999.  The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

Imagine being Peter Engel in 1998.

Your most successful show, Saved By The Bell, ended its NBC run years ago, though it does live on in syndication.  Your second most successful show, California Dreams, ended two years ago.  Once you and your programs dominated NBC’s Sunday morning programming and the cultural landscape but now you’ve been reduced to City Guys, One World, Hang Time, and Saved By The Bell: The New Class.  Both American culture and NBC are moving away from your style of goofy, wholesome entertainment.

What do you do?

If you’re Peter Engel, you take what worked with Saved By The Bell and what worked with California Dreams and you try to create a new show called Malibu, CA.  And if NBC won’t return your calls, you just sell the show to syndication.  That’ll show them!

Malibu, CA ran for two seasons and, until I came across a reference to it online, it was the only Engelverse show that I had previously never seen or even heard about.  However, it turns out that Malibu, CA is available on YouTube.  Considering all of the effort that I previously put into reviewing every episode of California Dreams, City Guys, Hang Time, and even One World (GOD GOD, ONE WORLD), it only seems right to now review Malibu, CA.

Episode 1.1 “Welcome to Malibu”

(Dir by Gary Shimokawa, originally aired on October 11th, 1998)

After a montage of familiar Malibu images (Hey!  Did you know that people surf, bike, and wear bikinis in Malibu?), the show introduces us to Scott (Trevor Merszei) and Jason Collins (Jason Hayes), two twins brothers who don’t like alike.  (That’s good because I’m already having trouble remembering which is which.)  In typical Peter Engel style, they start the show in their bedroom and talking directly to the audience.

Scott explains that their mother has taken a job in Saudi Arabia so he and his brother have moved to Malibu to live with their Dad.  (Really?  Saudi Arabia?)  Jason says he’s excited because Malibu is “27 miles of babes.”  Scott says that Jason is “both halves of Dumb and Dumber.”  Jason says that Scott’s shirt makes him look like one of the “Spice Boys.”

Downstairs, their father Peter Collins  (Edward Blatchford, who previously played Mr. Belding’s laid back and irresponsible brother on a classic episode of Saved By The Bell), waits for them so that he can take them to their first day at a new school.  Scott asks if Malibu is always as perfect as it appears to be in the morning.  Peter says that it’s perfect except for the mudslides and the earthquakes.  Jason says that he can’t wait for his first earthquake because he wants to see “Heather Locklear run from her house in her underwear.”  (Okay, Jason, we get it.  You’re the type of guy who is destined to go broke due to an internet porn addiction.)  Peter mentions that he dated “the redhead from Melrose Place” three times.  He then tells the boys that he’s “not much on rules” and he suggests that Scott change his shirt because, “You look like Al Gore.”  (OUCH!)  Peter leaves for the restaurant that he apparently owns while Scott heads up stairs to look for a new shirt.

That leaves Jason alone to meet the next door neighbor, Samantha “Sam” Chapman (Gina Marley May), whose short red dress causes Jason to say, “Whoa!” and inspires someone in the studio audience to do a wolf whistle.  Sam wants Jason to sign a petition that will tell businessman Henry Updyke to not drill for oil on the beach.  (Didn’t the same thing happen on both Saved By The Bell and California Dreams?)  Jason signs and he also meets Sam’s friend, the spacey Murray Updyke (Brandon Brooks).  Murray is especially dedicated to taking down Henry’s business because Henry is his father.  So, basically, Murray’s a spoiled jerk, even if the show doesn’t realize it.

We then cut to high school, which appears to be the same high school set that was used in California Dreams.  We see Sam with her best friend, a lifeguard named Jennifer “Stads” Stadler (Wendi Kenya).  Stads (God, do I really have to call her that?) just broke up with her boyfriend because apparently, he was only taking her to Hooters so that he could hit on the waitresses.  (Was she dating Michael Scott?)

Now, the good news is that Stads hates being called Stads.  “Why does everyone think I’m one of the guys?” she says angrily.  “Well, you did join the boys hockey team,” Sam offers up.  Stads then notices Scott struggling with his locker combination.  She helps him out by punching the locker, which flies open and smacks Scott in the face.  As Scott struggles to regain his composure, he asks for help finding the Marine Biology class.  Sam is also into Marine Biology.  (SHOCKER!)  She and Scott go off together.

Meanwhile, Jason is approached by a woman (Susan Wood) in a red dress.  (Another red dress!)  She asks his name and, when he says that he’s Jason Collins, she asks if he’s Peter’s son.  Jason immediately assume that Peter must have dated her.  “My Dad always dates the hottest babes!”  “I’m not a babe, I’m Ms. Morrissey …. your principal.”  “Whoa!” the audience says.  Murray runs into the school and hugs Mrs. Morrisey.  After Morrisey politely tells them to get to class and then heads for her office, Murray suggests they should skip school instead.  Jason agrees.  Hey, why not?  It’s not like anything important happens on the first day of school.

Jason stops by the Lighthouse, which is Peter’s restaurant.  The Lighthouse is easily identifiable as Sharky’s from California Dreams, just with a new coat of paint.  Peter is not happy about Jason skipping but Jason gets distracted by Sam trying to pass out flyers for her anti-oil rally.  Jason offers to hand out the flyers for her.  Sam thanks him and says that she can’t wait to see him at the rally.  After Sam leaves, Jason gives the flyers to a waiter and tell him to put them into all the menus.  Scott then shows up and says that he met the perfect girl.  Jason says he did to.  “Wait until you meet Samantha!” they say in unison.

Cut to the beach, where Jason, Scott, Sam, Stads, and Murray are struggling to get anyone to take their flyers.  Jason suggests that they need a billboard.  “Are you talking about signs everywhere ragging on my dad’s company?” Murray says, “Alright!”

(I’m sorry but Murray’s kind of a dick.  I mean, are you campaigning for the environment or are you just mad at your dad?)

How to pay for a billboard?  Jason suggests having a fundraiser at the Lighthouse.

“Dad won’t go for that,” Scott says.

“Dad doesn’t need to know,” Jason says.

Okay, Jason’s a dick too.

How to get Peter out of the restaurant?  Jason approaches Ms. Morrissey at school and, surprisingly, is not given any sort of punishment for skipping the first day.  Jason gives Ms. Morrissey tickets to the Fleetwood Mac concert and says that Peter really wants to go with her but he feels awkward because Ms. Morrissey is their principal so Ms. Morrissey will have to ask him.  Ms. Morrissey agrees to this because, in the world of Peter Engel, all principals are idiots.

Somehow, the plan works.  Peter — oh my God!  IS HE NAMED AFTER PETER ENGEL!? — goes to the concert and the boys take over the restaurant.  Sam is really impressed, since the party will give her a chance to get more teenagers to sign her useless petition.  Jason and Scott get into an argument over who Sam likes and they decide to ask Stads.  They don’t even notice that Stads is trying to change her image by wearing a dress.

“Just imagine if the two of us liked you,” Scott says to her, apparently unaware that Stads has a crush on him, “who would you go for?”

Stads runs from the restaurant as the audience says, “Awwww!”  I actually said “awww” too.  Both Jason and Scott are dicks.  Poor Jennifer!

Because Jason lied and said the stars of Baywatch would be at the restaurant, way too many people show up for the party.  Jason and Scott get into an argument over who is to blame and they each accuse the other of only throwing the party to get a date with Sam.  Offended, Sam declares, “I wouldn’t date either of you!”  Good for you, Sam, they suck.

Guess who suddenly shows up?  It’s Peter and the cops!  The restaurant is closed for overcrowding and Peter, as owner, is fined $500.  Peter worries that maybe he’s not responsible enough to look after his sons.  Maybe they need to go back to New York and live with their grandma.

The next days, Jason and Scott tells Stads and Sam that they’re leaving.  “I’m never going to see you again!?” Stads says before kissing Scott.  “Hey, I’m leaving too!” Jason says.

Fear not.  Peter decides to give them another chance, with the understanding that there will be rules.  They’re both grounded and they’re both going to have to work as busboys in the restaurant.  But they can stay in Malibu and continue to compete for Sam.

“My brother doesn’t stand a chance!” Jason and Scott is unison.

Well, that happened.  The first episode of Malibu CA did what a first episode should do.  It introduced us to the characters and their situations and it set up future storylines.  Unfortunately, almost none of the characters are particularly likable.  Jason’s a jerk.  Scott’s a wimp.  Murray is a spoiled brat.  Sam is self-righteous.  Peter is a midlife crisis waiting to happen.  The closest thing this show has to a likable character is Jennifer and she’s stuck with a terrible nickname.  I’m an optimist and I’m fully aware that first episodes are rarely indicative of what a show is going to eventually become.  I hope Malibu CA will improve.  For now, though, I’m starting understand why I had never heard of it before.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Monsters 2.6 “The Farmer’s Daughter”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing Monsters, which aired in syndication from 1988 to 1991. The entire series is streaming on YouTube.

Say, have you heard the joke about the traveling Bible salesman and the farmer’s daughter?  How about the one about the Man from Nantucket….

Episode 2.6 “The Farmer’s Daughter”

(Dir by Michael Warren Powell, originally aired on November 5th, 1989)

On a rainy night, traveling salesman Howard Filby (Soupy Sales) has an accident in front of the farmhouse owned by …. well, the show just calls them Ma (Bobo Lewis) and Pa (George Hall).  Ma and Pa seem like good country folks.  (That said, just their names brought to mind the owners of the Ma & Pa General Store on King of the Hill.  “I guess your Pa because you’re PA-thetic!”  “And you’re Ma because you’re always ridin’ mah ass!”)  Ma and Pa are willing to let Howard spend the night at the farmhouse, out of the rain.  He can just sleep up in the attic.  They’ll have to put up a privacy sheet, of course.  Their daughter Lucy (Stephanie Phillips) also stays up in the attic.

That privacy sheet doesn’t stay up for long.  Howard becomes intrigued by Lucy’s silhouette and her sultry voice.  When the sheet comes down, Howard is relieved to discover that Lucy is just as attractive as she sounded.  Lucy asks Howard for his undying love and Howard’s willing to give it.  Lucy talks about heading downstairs to let Ma and Pa know that they’ll be getting married.  Howard’s a little bit surprised to hear that….

Howard’s even more surprised when he accidentally pulls off a chunk of Lucy’s skin.  It turns out that Lucy is not quite who Howard thought she was and that Howard is hardly the first salesman to be brought to the farmhouse and sent up to the attic.  Even as Howard struggles in the attic, Ma and Pa sit in their living room and smile at the sound of another fender bender outside….

This was a nicely atmospheric episode.  Having heard all the various stories and jokes about traveling salesman and farmer’s daughters, I can’t say that I was particularly surprised by the direction that the story took but the episode still works as an example of American folk horror.  Soupy Sales was a comedian and a children’s show host and, according to Wikipedia, his trademark was getting a pie slammed in his face.  (Ouch!)  With that in mind, I guess it’s not a surprise that Sales’s performance occasionally leans a bit too much towards the goofy side.  (There’s a difference between playing the role with humor and just mugging for the camera.)  However, Stephanie Phillips, George Hall, and Bobo Lewis are all effectively creepy as the faux friendly farmhouse inhabitants.

Interestingly enough, this episode was co-written by character actor Bob Balaban.  As a director, Balaban was responsible for Parents, another film about a seemingly perfect married couple with a secret.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 4.14 “First Voyage, Last Voyage/April, the Ninny/The Loan Arranger”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

Oh, hey, Charo’s back.

Episode 4.15 “First Voyage, Last Voyage/April, the Ninny/The Loan Arranger”

(Dir by Roger Duchowny, originally aired on January 17th, 1981)

April’s back!

Played by Charo, April Lopez was one of the few recurring characters on The Love Boat.  Whereas other actors appeared frequently but always as different characters, Charo was always April whenever she boarded The Love Boat.  The first time she boarded the ship, she did so as a stowaway.  The next two times, she boarded as the cruise’s entertainment.  This season, however, April boards as someone who has grown tired of show business.  When last we saw her, April was in love with a guy named Tex and planning on playing Las Vegas.  However, when April boards this time, she quickly informs both Julie and Isaac that she and Tex are no longer a couple and Vegas didn’t work out because she was expected to play her guitar while naked.

(“They could have at least gotten you a cello,” Isaac replies.)

April wants a new career, which she gets when she meets Ty Younger (Larry Linville), who is wealthy but who also has two bratty kids who are always chasing off their nannies.  They can’t chase off April, who understands that the best way to calm a bratty child is to grab your guitar and sing to them at night.  April gives up show business to become a nanny but I don’t think it’ll last.  April is too impulsive to settle down, and Ty’s kids really are the worst.  (As well, Charo and Larry Linville didn’t exactly generate a lot of heat in their scenes together.)  April may leave the boat with a new family but hopefully, she’ll return alone in the fifth season.

Speaking of the worst, Cindy Simmons (Maureen McCormick) is dying but her parents (Ty Hardin and Kathleen Nolan) haven’t gotten around to telling her yet.  Cindy thinks that she’s made a full recovery from her recent illness.  Her parents don’t want to upset Cindy but when Cindy meets and falls in love with Paul Harris (Jay Thomas), they realize that they’re going to have to tell Cindy the truth.  Poor Cindy!  Fortunately, this is The Love Boat and Paul isn’t going to let a little thing like impending death get in the way of romance.  I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve seen Maureen McCormick on both The Love Boat and Fantasy Island.  For this episode, McCormick does a pretty good job with her role and she and Jay Thomas make for an attractive couple.

“I guess I’m still getting my sea legs,” Cindy says to Paul.

“Your legs look mighty fine to me,” Paul replies.

That’s about as witty as things get on this cruise.

Finally, Joey (Richard Kline) is a mob enforcer who has been sent to collect a debt owed by Tony Patacchio, a gambling addict.  However, Joey gets distracted when he meets a woman named Antoinette (Lisa Hartman) who enjoys gambling.  Joey falls for Antoinette and, unable to find Tony, he even spends the night in her cabin.  Hmmm …. Tony …. Antoinette …. Toni….

Yes, Joey has fallen in love with the person he was supposed to rough up.  Fortunately, Joey is willing to fix a poker game so that Toni can win enough of his money to pay off her debt.  When Toni realizes that Joey lost his money to her on purpose, she declares that she can’t take his money.  “If we were married,” Joey says, “It would be our money.”

Richard Kline is not a particularly believable debt collector.  (Tony Soprano would have tossed him in a dumpster.)  It’s also strange that his boss would send him to collect a debt without bothering to give him a physical description of the person he was supposed to intimidate.  The whole storyline was full of holes but I’m surprised to say that I did end up rooting Kline and Hartman to get together.  The two of them had enough chemistry to overcome the fact that their story made very little sense.

Previously, whenever Charo was a guest star, she dominated the entire episode, for better or worse.  With this episode, she seems kind of bored with the whole thing, as if Charo was just as fed up with show business as April.  Instead, it was Maureen McCormick and Jay Thomas who dominated the episode with Richard Kline and Lisa Hartman also getting their share of good scenes.  It makes for a bit of an uneven episode but I defy anyone not to feel something when Paul declares that he wants to spend the rest of Cindy’s life with her.  Mixing romantic melodrama and goofy comedy is what made The Love Boat a treasure of American pop culture.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Baywatch Nights 2.2 “The Creature”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Baywatch Nights, a detective show that ran in Syndication from 1995 to 1997.  The entire show is currently streaming on You tube!

Mitch, Griff, and Ryan search for an amphibian hybrid.

Episode 2.2 “The Creature”

(Dir by David W. Hagar, originally aired on October 6th, 1996)

The Creature of the title is a young blonde woman (played by Shelli Lether) who has spent her entire life locked away in a secret lab.  One night, a security guard decides that he wants to get to know The Creature better.  The Creature responds by killing both him and his co-worker.  She escapes from the lab, running into the California night.

Mitch and Ryan are brought to the lab by the mysterious Diamont Teague, who explains that he’s not sure what was going on at the lab but whatever was housed in the building has escaped.  Mitch leaves to track down the Creature.  (He recruits Griff to help him out.)  Meanwhile, Ryan stays at the lab and looks through magnifying scopes and studies slides and computer read-outs and eventually, she figures out that the lab was the focus of a DNA experiment.  The creature is half-amphibian and half-human.

“Can we do that?” Mitch asks when Ryan calls him.

“Apparently so,” Ryan calmly replies.

(Seriously, Ryan’s so cool.)

It also turns out that Mitch and Griff are not the only people who are searching for the Creature.  There are also a group of soldiers that are determined to track down the Creature, destroy it, and cover up the fact that it was created in the first place.  Mitch, needless to say, is not happy about that.  Mitch is a lifeguard and, as a lifeguard, he believes in guarding every life, even the life of a humanoid amphibian who murders anyone who approaches her.

And, if this was Baywatch, Mitch probably would have saved the Creature.  But this is Baywatch Nights and the night is darker than the day.  The Creature gets blown up in a tunnel but it appears that all of the soldiers get blown up with her.  Take that, Feds!  As for Mitch, he gets out of the tunnel just in time and makes a slow motion jump as the explosion erupts behind him.  A chastened and mournful Mitch then announces that he’s going home as the sun rises over the horizon.  Hey, Mitch — don’t forget to call Ryan and let her know that she can leave the lab.

After last week’s disappointing second season premiere, The Creature is the first classic episode of Baywatch Nights‘s supernatural season.  The action moves quickly and through multiple locations.  (The Creature may not know much about the world but she’s still drawn to a club.)  The story is ludicrous enough to be entertaining.  Shelli Lether is surprisingly sympathetic as the murderous Creature.  Even Hasselhoff throws his heart into his attempts to convince the soldiers not to destroy the Creature.  This episode was fun and dumb in a very likable way.

Next week, Mitch battles another sea monster!

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 4.23 “Man-Beast/Ole Island Opry”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984.  Almost the entire show is currently streaming on Daily Motion.

This week, we learn something new about the Island.

Episode 4.23 “Man-Beast/Ole Island Opry”

(Dir by George W. Brooks, originally aired on May 16th, 1981)

Did you know that Fantasy Island is home to a world-famous country music venue?

Yes, I’m talking about the Ole Island Opry!  Operated by Lottie McFadden (Anne Francis), the Ole Island Opry is a mainstay of the Island, even though it’s never been mentioned before.  Lottie says that everyone from Charley Pride to Hank Williams to Dolly Parton has played at the Ole Island Opry.

If you’re anything like me, you’re saying, “What the heck?”

I mean, seriously, why have we never heard of this place before?  How many country music fans live on the Island?  Why would established artists be so eager to play at a venue that’s sitting on an isolated island?  And how big is this Island anyway?  With the fishing village, the native villages, the downtown area that we see sometimes, the children’s side of the Island, the ancient castles, the isolated mansions, the Ole Island Opry, and all the magical portals, Fantasy Island has got to be at least the size of New Zealand.

These questions go unanswered, as usual.  Instead, the episode focuses on Charlie Rowlands (Jimmy Dean), who was an up-and-coming country music star until his wife died and he gave up stardom to raise his daughter, Jennie (Wendy Schaal).  Charlie is an old friend of Lottie’s and his fantasy is for Jennie to make her singing debut at the Ole Island Opry.

What Charlie doesn’t know is that Jennie has a fantasy of her own.  She wants her father to stop pressuring her to become a singer so that she can focus on her love of photography!  Mr. Roarke is able to grant both fantasies.  Jennie sings but is really bad and her father finally realizes that she’s not meant to be a country-western star.  Instead, Jennie asks her father to come up on stage and sing a song.  Charlie sings King of the Road and, despite being a bit older than the usual up-and-comer, he gets a recording contract.  He also wins the love of Lottie, who leaves the Island with him.  As for Jennie, she can now attend a Yankee art school without feeling guilty.  Yay!

Jimmy Dean gave a charming performance but otherwise, this fantasy was just silly.  Perhaps it would have worked if Charlie and his daughter had stepped into the past and found themselves in Nashville in the 40s but having Jennie make her debut (and farewell) at the “Ole Island Opry” just required a bit too much of a suspension of disbelief.  As well, Mr. Roarke has a habit of combining people’s fantasies without giving them any advance warning.  It always seem to work out okay but I still think Mr. Roarke is lucky that he hasn’t gotten sued by a guest who didn’t want to share their fantasy with anyone else.

The other fantasy featured David (David Hedison) and Elizabeth Tabori (Carol Lynley) coming to the Island in an attempt to cure David of a recurring nightmare that he’s been having, one in which Elizabeth and he are in a dark cave and Elizabeth is terrified of something.  Mr. Roarke quickly deduces that David is a werewolf.  David can be cured by a very rare plant.  Unfortunately, it will take the plant a few days to arrive so David will have to survive two full moons on Fantasy Island.

As with most of this show’s horror-themed fantasies, this fantasy was simple but fun.  The werewolf makeup was pretty basic but David Hedison poured himself into the role of the tortured David Tabori.  Fortunately, the magic flower arrives just in time to curse David of his ancestral curse.

As David and Elizabeth leave, Tattoo says that David must have been crazy because werewolves don’t exist.  Suddenly, Tattoo realizes that he’s turning into a werewolf.  Roarke has a good laugh as the end credits roll.

This week was another uneven trip to the Island.  It’s interesting that, even with a werewolf on the loose, everyone still braved the night to attend the show at the Ole Island Opry.  Fantasy Island is a strange place and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Late Night Retro Television Review: CHiPs 2.2 “The Volunteers”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing CHiPs, which ran on NBC from 1977 to 1983.  The entire show is currently streaming on Freevee!

This week, we’ve got ourselves a convoy!

Episode 2.2 “The Volunteers”

(Dir by John Florea, originally aired on September 23rd, 1978)

After a high-speed chase causes a robbery suspect to crash his car into a chemical storage facility (which subsequently explodes), three truckers have to get their trucks full of chlorine gas to the next available facility.  Unfortunately, it’s a 170-mile drive over rough terrain and it’s a very hot day.  If the gas gets to hot, it’ll explode.  If It doesn’t get to the storage facility in time, it’ll explode.  In fact, it appears that just about anything can make chlorine gas explode.  Californians might love chlorine for their pool but they don’t want it in the air.

Getraer assigns Ponch, Baker, Baricza, and Jane Turner to escort the trucks to the facility.  Jane Turner (Rana Ford) is a new member of the highway patrol.  She drives a squad car and she’s the first woman and only the second black person who we’ve seen working for the highway patrol on this show.  She doesn’t really do much in this episode and, about halfway through, she breaks off from the main group to help deal with a highway pile-up.  For that matter, Getraer and Baricza end up vanishing as well.  As usual, it’s all on Ponch and Baker.

Despite the danger of a chemical spill killing the population of Los Angeles county, Ponch spends most of this episode trying to get laid.  The episode opens with him leering at a jogging stewardess (Anna Upstrom) and then bragging about how he has a date with her later that night.

“She doesn’t smoke, drink, or dance,” Ponch says.

“What are you two going to do?” Baker earnestly asks.

Ponch arches his eyebrow and grins.

But Ponch is soon distracted by one of the truck drivers, a woman named Robbie Davis (Katherine Cannon), who is quick to yell that not only can she drive a truck but she can vote as well.  Ponch arches his eyebrow and grins.  Baker gets in on the action by saying, “Prettiest little truck driver I’ve ever seen.”

Robbie’s father (Tige Andrews) and the other trucker (Sam Brodie) all totally think Robbie should hook up with Ponch but they’re still amused when, late in the episode, Ponch accepts a ride from a blonde in a convertible.  Ponch arches and eyebrow and grins as he gets in the car.  WE GET IT, PONCH!

It’s not easy transporting chlorine gas.  Along with rough desert terrain, there’s also a group of beer-drinking rednecks who drive by in a pickup truck and threaten to shoot one of the tanks.  All of that drunk driving leads to another multi-car pile-up.  For some reason, one of the vehicles in the pile-up was transporting a tiger, which promptly gets loose and enters a grocery store.  Ponch and Baker grab raw meat from the butcher’s station and use it to trick the tiger into entering an office.  After they shut the door, the owner of the store yells at them for wasting meat.  There’s also a town puts up a roadblock to keep the trucks from coming through because they don’t want chlorine gas getting into the air.  And then there’s an avalanche, which causes chlorine gas to leak out of Robbie’s truck, sending her to the hospital.

Considering everything that happens in this episode, it’s odd that it all feels rather boring.  The best episodes of CHiPs focus on fast motorcycles and beautiful scenery.  This episode featured slow-moving trucks and the desert.  Bleh.  I hate the desert.  This episode also featured a lot of interaction between Robbie, her father, and their friend.  In fact, they were so prominently featured that it wouldn’t surprise me if this episode was meant to be a backdoor pilot for a trucking show.  (This episode aired in 1978, which was a big year for trucker movies.)  But the Davis family just wasn’t that interesting.

This episode didn’t really capture my attention.  Hopefully, next week will see a return of fast bikes and nice scenery.