Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 2.22 “Love Me, Love My Dog/Poor Little Rich Girl/The Decision”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

It’s time for Isaac’s heart to get broken, yet again!

Episode 2.22 “Love Me, Love My Dog/Poor Little Rich Girl/The Decision”

(Dir by Roger Duchowny, originally aired on February 24th, 1979)

Isaac has sworn off falling in love with passengers.  As he explains it, he’s fallen in love with a movie star, a singer, a criminal, and a journalist and, every time, the romance ended as soon as the ship docked.  Isaac is tired of getting his heart broken and, unlike Doc and Gopher, he doesn’t view romance as just being a game.

Still, as soon as Isaac spots Selena Moore (Debbie Allen) boarding the ship, he’s interested.  He insists that he’s not going to act on his attraction but both Gopher and Doc tell him that it’s okay to just have some fun.  And when Selena starts showing up at the bar and telling Isaac about her doubts about whether or not she wants to get married to her fiancé, Isaac decides to follow Gopher and Doc’s advice.  He and Selena have a shipboard romance.

And, of course, Isaac falls in love.  He said that he wouldn’t but he does because that’s just who Isaac is.  Isaac is the most sincere character on the show.  Gopher is goofy.  Doc is a walking HR nightmare.  Julie is practical.  The Captain is stern.  And Isaac is the one who impulsively falls in love, even though he knows he’s probably going to get hurt.

When Isaac trips and falls after one night of dancing, Doc jokingly declares that Isaac will never walk again.  Selena runs away in tears.  That really should have been a clue that she loved her fiancé more than she was letting on.  When the ship finally returns home, Isaac can only watch as Selena greets her fiancé, who turns out to be an older man who uses a wheelchair.  Isaac can only wipe away a tear and hand the roses that he got for Selena to a random passenger.  It’s a bit sad, even though the outcome was predictable.  Ted Lange and Debbie Allen both made the story work far better than one might expect it to.

And it’s a good thing that Lange and Allen worked so hard because the other two stories are nowhere near as strong.

One of the stories features Fannie Flagg as Alicia Finch, an eccentric woman who sneaks her terrier (played by Cricket) onto the boat.  (Cricket gets her own credit, which is cute).  Alice meets Mason Randolph (Gene Rayburn), a single man who also loves dogs!  Unfortunately, Cricket starts yapping and biting whenever she sees Mason.  It looks like Alicia and Mason will never be.  However, when the boat docks, Mason’s dog is waiting for him.  Even though Mason’s dog is quite a bit bigger than her, Cricket takes a liking to him.  This story was extremely predictable and Gene Rayburn was a bit annoying as Mason.  (Apparently, he was a game show host and he delivers almost all of his lines as if he’s waiting for the audience to applaud.)  On the plus side, Cricket was really cute.

Finally, Suzanne Welles (Maren Jensen) is a waitress who has won the lottery but now that she’s rich, she’s not sure if auto mechanic Alan Harmon (Dennis Cole) really likes her or just wants her money.  Alan is also the Captain’s mechanic and Stubing comes up with a plan that’s so stupid that it makes you wonder if he should really be in charge of cruise ship.  Basically, Stubing tells Suzanne that she’s right about Alan and that he’s only after her for the money.  Alan then says that the Captain is correct.  Stubing thinks that if Suzanne’s suspicions are confirmed, she’ll be able to relax and fall in love with Alan without worrying about why he’s pursuing her and …. wait, what?  How does that make any sense?  Why would Suzanne continue to spend time with Alan after he tells her that he’s only interested in her for the money?  I mean, the boat is full of single, handsome men.  The plan is idiotic but somehow, it works!  Everyone tells the captain that he’s a genius.  Seriously, what a weird story.  I mean, Isaac is pouring out his heart and getting hurt again and the Captain is busy encouraging his passengers to lie to each other.

The cruise was definitely mixed bag.  The Ted Lange/Debbie Allen story was nicely done.  Cricket was cute.  Lauren Tewes got to wear a really pretty dress for the ship’s Mexican Fiesta Night and I loved the sparkly blue evening gown that Maren Jensen wore while having dinner at the Captain’s table.  But the non-Isaac stories were, respectively, bland and incredibly dumb.  I guess no vacation is perfect.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 3.4 “Baby/Marathon”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week’s episode is saved by the one and only Herve Villechaize.

Episode 3.4 “Baby/Marathon”

(Dir by George McCowan, originally aired on October 5th, 1979)

Fantasy Island is going to be hosting a marathon competition so Tattoo decides to greet Mr. Roarke while carrying a replica of the Olympic Torch.

Tattoo proceeds to light a huge flame in a cauldron.  A group of Islanders start trying to splash water on the fire, leading to Tattoo yelling at them to leave the flame alone.  Mr. Roarke, who appears to be even more disgusted than usual with Tattoo’s antics, barks at his assistant to put on his tuxedo and head down to the docks so that they can greet their guests.

Bunny Kelly (Barbi Benton), Gretchen Wasserman (Arlene Golanka), and Olaf Olafsen (Peter Isacksen) have all come to the Island so that Olaf can compete in the marathon and hopefully win enough money to keep their barbell factory open.  (Don’t blame me, I didn’t write this script.)  When Olaf is injured while trying to lift some weights, Bunny enters the marathon in his place!  (At first, Bunny tries to disguise herself as Olaf but, when that doesn’t work, Mr. Roarke declares that Bunny can compete as herself.)

Can Bunny defeat the men who have shown up to run the marathon?  Well, it won’t be easy.  Bruno Glass (Bruce M. Fischer) is so evil that he often stops in the middle of the race so that he can laugh at everyone else’s misfortune.  Helping out Bruno is his trainer, Dr. R.M. Funk (Dick Martin).  Using techniques that would be more appropriate for a cartoon, Bruno sabotages the other racers.  Somehow, Bruno is able to do this despite the fact that the entire race is being televised live to the world.  Fear not!  With the help of friendly competitor Eugene (Paul Petersen), Kitty makes it to the finish line.  When both Kitty and Eugene sprain an ankle towards the finish line, they carry each other to a tied victory!  The factory is saved and everyone falls in love!

As you have probably already guessed, the whole marathon was pretty stupid.  There really didn’t seem to be any sort of set rules as to how the marathon would be run.  Olaf and Gretchen grabbed a car and drove alongside Kitty for most of the race.  Meanwhile, Dr. Funk was somehow able to commit numerous acts of open sabotage without anyone noticing.  Because Dr. Funk and Bruno were so cartoonish, it made it difficult to take seriously the possibility that they might win.  There was no suspense whatsoever, which made for a pretty boring fantasy.

I preferred the episode’s other story, in which Tattoo was placed in charge of finding a family to adopt an orphaned baby.  At first, Tattoo wanted to adopt the baby himself but eventually, he realized that the child would be better off with Thomas (Joshua Gallegos) and Mary (BarBara Luna), two Islanders who already had a large family and who had more experience taking care of babies.  There was nothing surprising about the story but seriously, Herve Villechaize’s portrayal of Tattoo’s dilemma was surprisingly touching.  While Villechaize was notoriously difficult on the set of Fantasy Island, he also used his fame to speak out in support of abused and neglected children and he really seemed to be put his heart into this episode of Fantasy Island.  When Tattoo said that he wanted to make sure the baby had the best and most loving home possible, one got the feeling that he was speaking for Villechaize as well.

So, this was yet another mixed episode of Fantasy Island.  Ultimately, it was saved by the sincerity of Herve Villechaize.

Retro Television Reviews: Hang Time 5.7 “Joint Venture” and 5.8 “Revolver, Problem Solver?”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing Hang Time, which ran on NBC from 1995 to 2000.  The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

This week, Silk gets a new job and he also gets a gun!  It’s a wild time in Indiana with Hang Time!

Hang Time 5.7 “Joint Venture”

(Dir by Miguel Higuera, originally aired on October 30th, 1999)

Somehow, Silk and Eugene are the new managers of Deering’s hottest club, The Matrix!

Right away, this episode the makes the mistake of asking us to suspend our disbelief.  I’ve accepted a lot of weird things when it comes to Hang Time, like the entire team spending Christmas in New York and Antonio somehow just moving from Texas to Indiana without his parents.  But seriously, why would two high school students be hired to manage a club?  And even if you could accept the idea of two high school students being given that type of responsibility, who in their right mind would hire Silk and Eugene?  We haven’t seen anything on this show to indicate that either one of them comes across as being the sort of person who could handle that much responsibility.

The club is a big hit but Silk and Eugene are shocked to discover that someone is selling marijuana in the bathroom!  Instead of shutting down the club (which is what the show suggests they should have done for some reason), Eugene and Silk call the cops and arrange for two undercover cops to come to the club and arrest the dealer.  However, at the same time, Kristy and Mary Beth are trying to write an award-worthy story for the school newspaper and they decide to go undercover as well.  Their plan is to buy marijuana from the dealer and then write a story about it.

Yep, who wouldn’t think they were stoners?

Anyway, as you probably already guessed, this leads to the undercover cops trying to arrest not just the dealer but also Mary Beth and Kristy.  Michael and Julie see the cops grabbing their friends and, since they don’t know that they’re cops, a huge brawl breaks out.  The club is wrecked!  For some reason, the cops then call Coach K., who comes down and yells at everyone.  Luckily, only the dealer goes to jail.  Eugene and Silk lose their jobs, which they never should have had in the first place.

This is the type of episode that I hate, where every single problem could have been solved by everyone not being an absolute idiot.  Let’s move on.

Hang Time 5.8 “Revolver, Problem Solver?”

(Dir by Miguel Higuera, originally aired on November 6th, 1999)

Silk’s father is a cop!  That seems like the sort of thing that would have been helpful during the previous episode.  Anyway, this guy who was arrested by Silk’s father starts threatening Silk.  The guy carries a knife and tries to stab Silk at school.  Seeing as how that’s attempted murder and the attack was witnessed by Silk’s friends, it seems like it would have been pretty easy for Silk to call the cops and get the guy sent to prison for a decade.  Instead, Silk decides to handle things himself by getting a gun.

Yes, really.

Meanwhile, the team needs to raise money so Mary Beth arranges a car wash.  Coach K’s car ends up getting flooded with water after the team washes it without rolling up the windows.  How dumb are these people?  Anyway, the guy who wants to kill Silk shows up at the car wash with his knife.  Silk pulls out his gun but the bad guy easily grabs it away from him.  In the ensuing struggle, a shot is fired.  A window shatters.  Mary Beth nearly gets shot.  The bad guy gets arrested and Silk get cited for having an illegal gun.

Remember when Coach K made everyone sign that contract not to do anything dangerous during the season?  Under the terms of that contact, Silk should have been cut from the team.  I mean, Eugene nearly got kicked off the team for wanting to ride a skateboard.  Meanwhile, Silk is putting everyone’s lives in danger.  But Coach K is a big old hypocrite and Silk is allowed to keep playing basketball for Deering High.

I will compliment this episode, though.  For a teen sitcom that was produced by Peter Engel, the fight scene between Silk and the knife guy was surprisingly well-choreographed and filmed.  As well, this is the first episode to really allow Danso Gordon to do some acting as opposed to just standing in the background and Gordon does a pretty good job with the role, even if Silk’s action don’t always seem realistic.  This was another episode where almost everything that happened was the result of people not having any common sense.  It had a good message about being safe and careful with guns but it was still frustrating to watch.

Next week, Kristy hangs out with a goth and Michael discovers that some people are racist.  Indiana’s a crazy place.

Retro Television Reviews: Under the Influence (Dir by Thomas Carter)


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Sundays, I will be reviewing the made-for-television movies that used to be a primetime mainstay.  Today’s film is 1986’s Under the Influence!  It  can be viewed on YouTube!

Noah Talbot (Andy Griffith) is an upstanding member of the community.  He owns a hardware store.  He has a large family.  He’s known as a gruff but folky storyteller.  He’s a deacon in his church and helps to collect the offering every Sunday.

He’s also a drunk and a bit of a bully.  His family walks on eggshells around him, fearful of setting him off on one of his benders.  He occasionally spends the night in jail, arrested for trying to drive drunk.  Even when he gets bailed out, his first instinct is to go back to the bar.  The folks at the bar love him, don’t you know.  The people at the bar are always happy to see him and never bother him about whether he’s had too much.  The people at the bar never let him down the way that he feels his family has left him down.

The members of his family each cope in their own individual way.  Noah’s wife (Joyce Van Patten) is in denial and spends a lot of her time popping pills.  His oldest daughter, Ann (Season Hubley), is driven to succeed at work and spends all of her time both hating her father and desperately hoping for his approval.  (When she tells him that she got a raise at work, he berates her for only getting a 6% increase in her salary.  “That’s just a cost of living increase!” he snaps at her.)  His eldest son, Stephen (Paul Provenza), fled to Los Angeles and is trying to make a career as stand-up comedian.  (“You’re no David Letterman,” Noah tells him.)  His youngest daughter, Terri (Dana Anderson), secretly replaces Noah’s liquor with water and food-coloring.  And his youngest son, Eddie (Keanu Reeves), is becoming an alcoholic himself.

Having read all that, you may be wondering just how exactly Keanu Reeves could be the son of Andy Griffith and it’s a fair question.  This was one Keanu Reeves’s first acting roles and he does a pretty good job in the role of Eddie.  That said, he looks so totally different from both Andy Griffith and Joyce Van Patten and the actors playing his siblings that I was half-expecting someone to mention that Eddie had been adopted.  Then again, Paul Provenza doesn’t really bear much of a resemblance to the actors playing his parents either.  Dana Anderson and Season Hubley do, at least, look like sisters.

Lack of family-resemblance aside, all of the actors in Under the Influence do a good job of inhabiting their characters.  For those who are used to seeing Andy Griffith playing friendly Southerners in reruns of The Andy Griffith Show and Matlock, it’s shocking and a little disturbing to see him playing an abusive, alcoholic jerk in Under the Influence.  Noah is someone who would not only destroy his own family to get a drink but who would then blame them for it happening in the first place.  Noah may be under the influence of alcohol but the entire family is suffering because they’re under the influence of Noah.  By the time Noah is spitting up blood and demanding that his youngest son sneak liquor into his hospital room, the viewer knows there is no hope for Noah but hopefully, his family will escape.

It doesn’t make for a particularly happy movie but, speaking as someone who grew up in an alcoholic household, I can attest that it does make for an honest portrayal of what addiction does not just to the addict but also to the people around the addict.  I cringed in sympathy through nearly the entire film, especially as I watched three of the four children react in the same ways that I did.  (Unlike Eddie, I never became much of a drinker and instead developed an aversion to alcohol in general.)  It’s a film that feels real and one’s heart aches for the entire family.  If it could happen to Andy Griffith, it could happen to anyone.

Retro Television Reviews: Welcome Back, Kotter 1.9 “Mr. Kotter, Teacher” and 1.10 “The Reunion”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Welcome Back Kotter, which ran on ABC  from 1975 to 1979.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, Mr. Kotter fights for his job and, even worse, has to have to dinner with two old acquaintances from his high school days.

Episode 1.9 “Mr. Kotter, Teacher”

(Directed by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on November 4, 1975)

Gabe tells Julie a joke about two men who were both named Bernstein.  The punchline is, “You don’t want me, you want Bernstein the Spy on the second floor!”

At school, Gabe has got a problem!  When Woodman step into the room to observe Kotter’s teaching style, he’s stunned to discover that Kotter and the Sweathogs are sitting in a circle on the floor and that they’re talking about their future ambitions.  Freddie says he wants to own the world’s tallest building and call it the Boom Boom Building.  Barbarino says that he wants to be an actor like Marlon Brando and then he and Epstein act out a scene from The Godfather.  (Incidentally, John Travolta does a pretty good Brando.)  Gabe is amused but Woodman is not.  Woodman demands that Kotter teach from the textbook.  Kotter points out that the textbook is out-of-date and there’s nothing in it to which the Sweathogs can relate.  Woodman promptly suspends Gabe and orders him to attend a disciplinary hearing.

This episode suffers from a bit of early installment weirdness and it wouldn’t surprise me if it was originally meant to air earlier in the season.  For instance, Woodman is a lot meaner than usual.  Over the past eight episodes, Woodman has often gotten frustrated and annoyed with Kotter but there’s also been a grudging respect between the two.  That Woodman would be shocked by Kotter’s teaching methods and would try to get Kotter fired as a result doesn’t really fit in with what we’ve previously seen of Woodman.  In fact, when Woodman previously taught Gabe’s class, he revealed himself to be a good teacher who was willing to engage with the students on their level.  Previously, Woodman has been grumpy and eccentric but he’s never really been malicious.

As well, in this episode, Kotter’s suddenly gets a best friend named Charlie Piper (Arnold Soboloff).  Charlie is a science teacher who drinks alcohol from a beaker.  He attends Gabe’s disciplinary hearing as a character witness and, at one point, mentions that he’s known Gabe ever since the school year began …. four week ago.  Again, it’s hard to believe that the previous eight episodes all occurred over the span of just a month.

Fortunately, the Sweathogs sneak into the disciplinary hearing.  Eptein and Washington pretend to be window cleaners.  Horshack pretends to be a janitor.  Vinnie shows up dressed as a cleaning woman.  They all testify that Gabe is the best teacher that they’ve ever had.  The arbiter of the case, Ms. Riley (Hope Summers), is moved by their testimony and Gabe keeps his job, though he is told to start using the text book.  Gabe responds by putting the book on his head and teaching the Sweathogs about good posture.

Back at his apartment, Gabe tells Julie a joke about his grandmother and a cursed ring.

This episode wasn’t bad, it just felt out of place.  I appreciated Gabe’s defense of his students, in which he argued that they weren’t dumb but that they just needed a teacher willing to speak to them about their lives as opposed to someone just requiring them to memorize facts and figures.  But, as I said before, Woodman is a lot more effective as a half-crazed eccentric than as a flat-out villain.  Again, we’ll just describe this episode as being the result of early installment weirdness.

Episode 1.10 “The Reunion”

(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on November 18th, 1975)

Gabe asks Julie if he ever told her about the time that his Aunt Lucille took driving lessons.  “No,” Julie says, “but I think I’m going to hear about it.”  Not noticing that Julie doesn’t sound particularly enthused about hearing about any of this, Gabe explains that his Aunt Lucille had no idea how to signal when she was making a turn.  Julie gives him a pity laugh.

Despite all the jokes, Gabe is not in a good mood.  Two of his high school acquaintances, Lyle (Michael Taylor) and Mary Frances (Bridget Hanley), have invited themselves over for dinner.  Not only does Gabe resent the fact that Lyle and Mary Francis always seemed to be “perfect” in high school but Julie is also planning on cooking her tuna casserole!  In fact, Gabe seems to be more upset about the tuna casserole than about having to spend a night entertaining Lyle and Marcy Francis.

Naturally, after Gabe complains about the reunion during his social studies class, the Sweathogs put on their best suits and show up on Gabe’s fire escape while he’s entertaining Lyle and Mary Francis.  The Sweathogs even bring food because they somehow know how terrible Julie’s tuna casserole is.  Gabe confesses that he may not be as rich or as perfect as Lyle and Mary Francis but he’s happy because he’s getting to teach a great group of kids.  Lyle explains that he was always jealous of Gabe because Gabe got to have fun as a Sweathog while Lyle always had to be “perfect.”  Gabe learns that it was silly for him to be insecure and Lyle learns that there is more to life than just being fabulously wealthy.  Awwwwwww!

Later, Gabe tells Julie a joke about an Italian man singing opera while barbecuing.  The meat gets set on fire.

This episode wasn’t bad.  It was interesting to see Gabe revealing that he’s not always happy about being an underpaid teacher who is probably never going to be able to afford a big apartment and it was also kind of touching to see how much both Gabe and his students cared about each other.  Still, you do have to wonder why Julie keeps making the tuna casserole since literally no one in New York City is willing to eat it.

Next week: Vinnie gets a tutor!

Retro Television Reviews: The Master 1.8 “The Good, the Bad, and the Priceless”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing The Master, which ran on NBC from January to August of 1984.  The show can be found on Tubi!

This week, The Master goes to New York City!

Episode 1.8 “The Good, the Bad, and the Priceless”

(Dir by Michael Caffey, originally aired on March 23rd, 1984)

This week’s episode of The Master asks us to consider just how needlessly complicated an hour’s worth of entertainment can be.

John Peter McAllister (Lee Van Cleef) and Max Keller (Timothy Van Patten) are in New York City!  Apparently, McAllister was flipping through a magazine when he came across an advertisement featuring a picture of his long-lost daughter, Terri.  The agency responsible for the ad is headquartered in New York.  McAllister is excited about the prospect of finally tracking down his daughter.  Max is a little sad because he knows that McAllister won’t need him after he finds Terri.  And Cat Sinclair (Tara Buckman) is just along for the ride….

Who is Cat Sinclair?  She was introduced last episode as a love interest for Max.  This episode tests Cat as a third member of the regular cast.  Unfortunately, since Cat isn’t a ninja, she doesn’t really got to do much in the episode, other than stand in the background and roll her eyes whenever Max makes one of his terrible jokes.  At one point, McAllister mentions that Max has a bit of a crush on Cat but we don’t really see much evidence of it.  If anything, both McAllister and Max seem to go out of their way to ignore her.

Anyway, it turns out that the modeling agency is surprisingly willing to give out the home phone numbers of its models.  They also have no problem telling McAllister, Max, and Cat that Terri has been booked as a model at a private fashion show being put on by Simon Garrett (George Maharis).

However, what neither McAllister nor Simon Garrett realize is that the woman who shows up at the fashion show and introduces herself as Terri McAllister is not Terri at all but is instead an FBI agent named Gina (Janine Turner), who bears a passing resemblance to Terri as long as she’s wearing a brunette wig.  Simon Garrett is not only a fashion designer but he’s also an international criminal.  Gina shows up (as Terri) at the fashion show and tries to search Garrett’s office.  When Garrett’s security goons discover her, her life is saved by McAllister and Max, who both believe her to be Terri.

(How exactly McAllister, Max, and Cat managed to crash Garrett’s exclusive and private fashion show is not discussed.)

Gina continues to pretend to be Terri so that she can convince McAllister to help her figure out what Garrett’s current scheme is.  Meanwhile, Garrett recognizes McAllister as an American ninja so he arranges for his men to kidnap Gina (who, again, everyone thinks is Terri).  He threatens to kill Gina/Terri unless McAllister uses his ninja powers to break into the Brooklyn Museum of Art and steal the Crown Jewels of England.  McAllister agrees to do so, which leads to an extended sequence of Lee Van Cleef’s stunt double avoiding the security lasers by doing elaborate back flips.  Timothy Van Patten’s stunt double then does the exact same back flips.  Who knew that stealing the Crown Jewels would be so simple?

As you can probably guess, this all leads to all the stunt doubles getting into a fight at Garrett’s office.  Garrett is arrested.  The crown jewels are recovered.  Both McAllister and Max turn out to be surprisingly understanding about Gina having lied to them.  One would think that McAllister, who is essentially being hunted a ninja assassins because he came to America to find his daughter, would be a bit more upset over having his emotions so blatantly manipulated but McAllister actually appears to be amused by the whole thing.  Again, it’s hard not to suspect that finding Terri is not really as big a thing to McAllister as Max seems to believe it to be.

This is one of those episodes where everything was dependent upon everyone else being an idiot.  These are typically my least favorite episodes of any show and that’s the case here.  It’s kind of a shame because Lee Van Cleef and Timothy Van Patten both had some good moments in this episode.  The scenes where Max talked about how much he’s going to miss McAllister after they find Terri actually did have some emotional heft but it wasn’t enough to make up for the episode’s missteps.  I will admit that I smiled a bit at a subplot about an ad guy who wanted McAllister to put on a cowboy outfit and pose for a series of deodorant ads.  McAllister took one look at the outfit and said, “I would never wear that.”  Oh yes, you would, Van Cleef!

Next week: Okasa returns!

Retro Television Reviews: City Guys 5.9 “Dawn Don’t Know Jack” and 5.10 “Rosie O’Diner”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing City Guys, which ran on NBC from 1997 to 2001.  Almost the entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

This week, Dawn finally get another date and L-Train gets a van.  Life is never less than exciting for the neat guys.

Episode 5.9 “Dawn Don’t Know Jack”

(Dir by Frank Bonner, originally aired on October 13th, 2001)

At the Manhattan Diner, L-Train tells Jamal and Al that he’s spent the past three years going to a junkyard and fixing up a van — the L-VAN!  And now that the L-Van is ready to be driven, L-Train has no problem giving his friends a ride to the DMX concert in New Jersey.  Even though Al and Jamal agree that L-Train’s van is kind of a mess (and it really is — just because you found the van in a junkyard doesn’t mean you can’t clean it out, L-Train!), they agree to allow L-Train to drive them to the concert.  However, when L-Train picks up a hitchhiker, the three of them end up getting robbed and tied up in the back of the van.  Fortunately, Ms. Noble just happens to be driving by so she …. wait a minute, what?  L-Train, Jamal, and Al are tied up in a van that’s parked off the side of the road in freaking New Jersey and their high school principal just happens to be driving by and decided to stop and explore an unwashed van?

I think we all know what happened here.  Ms. Noble set the boys up to be robbed.  Of course, the show doesn’t admit that.  The show would have use believe that it would be totally normal for L-Train’s high school principal to suddenly show up and untie him.  But we all know what really happened….

While that’s going on, Dawn has a new boyfriend!  Yay!  His name is Jack and he is an old friend of Chris’s.  It turns out that Jack is big into community service projects.  Dawn, because she has a crush on him, helps him build a house.  For some reason, Chris and Cassidy also help.  (When I was in high school, the last thing I ever wanted to do was help someone build a house.)  Anyway, Jack and Dawn go out on a few dates but Jack lets Chris know that he’s also seeing a girl named Jenna.  Chris tells Cassidy and then Cassidy tells Dawn and Dawn …. well, not surprisingly, Dawn refuses to believe it.  But then, at the party to celebrate the completion of the house, Dawn walks in on Jack giving Jenna jewelry.

Poor Dawn.  Dating Al really destroyed whatever self-esteem she once had.

This episode perhaps would have been more effective if not for the fact that the exact same cheating boyfriend storyline was also used on Saved By The Bell, California Dreams, Hang Time, One World, Saved By The Bell: The College Years, Saved By The Bell: The New Class, USA High, Sk8te, and every other show that Peter Engel ever produced.  Seriously, has Dawn never watched television before?

Let’s move on.

Episode 5.10 “Rosie O’Diner”

(Dir by Frank Bonner, originally aired on October 13th, 2001)

Here’s the plot description, according to Wikipedia:

Jamal falls for and after some mistakes in introducing himself, he hooks up with and starts dating one of the waitresses at the Manhattan diner named Rosie. She is very independent and not afraid to speak her mind, which proves to be trouble when she begins to offend customers who get on her nerves at the diner. After numerous complaints, Mr. Grant gives his son the uncomfortable job of firing her.

I had to go with the Wikipedia description for this episode because it hasn’t been uploaded to YouTube.  It sounds pretty stupid, from the silly title to the fact that apparently, Mr. Grant can’t fire his own employees but instead puts the responsibility on his teenaged son.  As far as Rosie offending the customers …. it’s New York.  People in New York can get away with being rude.  It’s a part of their charm.  That’s why we all secretly want to live there.

I’m kind of glad I had an excuse not to watch this one.

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 2.21 “A Good and Faithful Servant/The Secret Life of Burl Smith/Tug of War/Designated Lover”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, we have a special 90-minute episode of The Love Boat!

Episode 2.21 “A Good and Faithful Servant/The Secret Life of Burl Smith/Tug of War/Designated Lover”

(Dir by Roger Duchowny, originally aired on February 17th, 1979)

It’s a Mills family reunion as John, Juliet, and Haley all board The Love Boat.  Despite being related, the three of them appears in three separate and unconnected stories.  (There is one moment where Juliet walks past John and he gives her a slightly quizzical  “Do I know you?” look.)

John Mills plays Bertram MacDonald, the long-time butler and chauffeur to Estelle Castlewood (Celeste Holm).  Estelle has booked herself a vacation cruise on the Pacific Princess and she’s surprised to discover that Bertram has also booked a cruise.  As Bertram explains it, the only time that he can take a vacation is when Celeste takes a vacation.  At first, Bertram promises to stay away from Celeste during the cruise so that they can both enjoy their vacations without feeling like employer and employee.  However, fate keeps bringing them together and soon, Bertram tells Celeste that he has to resign from his position because he’s now in love with her.  Fortunately, Celeste is also in love with him so it all works out.  Upon returning to America, Bertram again drives Celeste home but, this time, Celeste sits up front with him instead of in the back of her limo.  This was a rather sweet story, largely because John Mills and Celeste Holm had a lot of chemistry and, being two veteran actors, they both knew exactly how to deliver their sentimental dialogue without making it sound overly calculated.

Juliet Mills plays Millicent, who is separated from Sherman (David Hedison).  Millicent boards the cruise with her 8 year-old son, Lucas (Keith Coogan) and she is shocked to discover that Sherman has decided to take the cruise as well.  Lucas blames himself for the separation but, fortunately, he gets a pep talk from a real-life baseball star, Reggie Jackson.  (Yes, I did ask my sister who he was.)  Even better, Sherman and Millicent realize that they still love each other and agree to call off the divorce.  Yay!  Again, this was another story that worked because of the chemistry between the two leads.  Juliet Mills and David Hedison were convincing as a couple who, for all of their ups and downs, were still willing to give their marriage another chance.

Now, you may be wondering what Reggie Jackson was doing on the cruise.  It turns out that Reggie is an old friend of Isaac Washington’s.  Apparently, Isaac was known as “Freight Train Washington” in high school.  Reggie went on to become a multi-millionaire athlete while Isaac went on to become a bartender on a cruise line.  When Reggie boards the boat, he tells Isaac that he doesn’t want anyone to know that he’s famous.  However, in an amusing twist, Reggie soon becomes frustrated when he gets what he asked for. He’s soon reduced to telling people that he’s Reggie Jackson, just to have them reply that he looks nothing like Reggie Jackson.  Not even Captain Stubing believes that he’s Reggie Jackson!  Fortunately, Reggie is finally able to convince Cleo (Telma Houston) that he is who he says he is and the two of them leave the boat together.  As an actor, Reggie Jackson was a bit stiff but he still had decent comedic timing and it was hard not to be amused at his growing frustration over being anonymous.

Finally, Haley Mills plays model Cheryl Tyson.  Gopher is excited that Cheryl is going to be on the cruise.  She’s his favorite model!  He even has a big poster on the wall next to his bed in his cabin.  Unfortunately, every time that Gopher is near Cheryl, he loses the ability to speak in complete sentences.  As such, Gopher spends the majority of the episode fantasizing outlandish, film-inspired scenarios that all lead to him sweeping Cheryl off her feet.  Gopher imagines himself as an explorer, an admiral, a knight, a spy, and as Humphrey Bogart in Casablanca.  He imagines himself as Elton John, performing Pinball Wizard as the Love Boat crew dances around.  He even imagines being in a love triangle with Julie and Cheryl.  Eventually, Cheryl gives him a pity date and it’s …. well, this whole storyline was pretty stupid.  Fred Grandy was likable in the role and Gopher could be an amusingly goofy character but his fantasies were just so silly and poorly written that I couldn’t wait for them to be over.  It’s nice that the show finally gave Grandy a showcase but neither he nor Haley Mills were particularly well-served by this episode.

This was an uneven episode.  Even though the stories featuring John and Juliet Mills and Reggie Jackson were nicely done, the Hayley Mills/Fred Grandy stuff took up the majority of the episode and it dragged the whole thing down.

Next week …. Freight Train Washington falls in love!

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 3.3 “Tattoo: The Love God/Magnolia Blossoms”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, Mr. Roarke tries to kill Tattoo!

Episode 3.3 “Tattoo: The Love God/Magnolia Blossoms”

(Dir by Earl Bellamy, originally aired on Sept. 21st, 1979)

This week’s episode of Fantasy Island opens with Tattoo driving his mini-car across the island and nearly running over a group of Islanders.

Tattoo has every reason to be excited!  This week, he is getting his fantasy.  Using a fake name (Dr. H.L. Oottat — spell the last name backwards), Tattoo requested a chance to come to the Island and live out his fantasy of being irresistible to women.  At first, Mr. Roarke pretends as if he had no idea that Dr. Oottat was actually Tattoo but, by the end of this episode, it’s pretty clear that Roarke not only knew who Oottat was but that he also saw this fantasy as his best chance to kill off his troublesome assistant.

Seriously, how else can you explain how Mr. Roarke grants Tattoo his fantasy.  Tattoo wants women to find him attractive.  (That’s actually kind of sad.  Poor Tattoo!)  So, Mr. Roarke arranges for a bunch of native Islanders to mistake Tattoo for their legendary love god, Nooyeeowee.

Words goes out that Nooyeeowee has returned to the Island.  A group of Islanders take Tattoo to their village.

The chief explains that, as the Love God, Tattoo is not only responsible for deciding who in the tribe will marry who but that his presence will also guarantee successful fishing expeditions.  Unfortunately, Tattoo is also expected to be able to fly.  When one of the islanders, jealous because Tattoo has stolen his girlfriend, accuses Tattoo of being a fraud, Tattoo is told to prove his powers by taking flight.  Instead, with the help of a native girl, Tattoo gets in a canoe and flees back to the main island.

Mr. Roarke acts as if he’s happy to have his assistant back but let’s be honest here.  Mr. Roarke has shown, on numerous occasions, that he cannot be fooled or tricked by anyone.  Are we to believe that Mr. Roarke didn’t realize that the letter from Dr. Oottaat was actually from Tattoo?  After three seasons of listening to their passive-aggressive banter, it should be obvious to anyone that Roarke and Tattoo actually hate each other.  Personally, I think Mr. Roarke was hoping Tattoo wouldn’t be able to escape.

As for the second fantasy, it features Pamela Franklin and Lisa Hartman as two women who want to become Southern belles by returning to what they consider to be the most romantic time and place in US. History, Civil War-era Georgia….

Uhmm…. yeah.  This is definitely a fantasy that would not be allowed today.  But, back in 1979, Roarke sends the women back to Civil War era Altanta so that they can both pursue a romance with the two Confederates of their dreams.  Lisa Hartman falls hard for Dack Rambo, who is made up to look like Clark Gable.  Pamela Franklin falls just as hard for Christopher Connelly, who is made up to look like Leslie Howard.  Unfortunately, their night at the plantation is ruined by the arrival of an evil Union captain, played by Luke Askew.

Sadly, the fantasy ends before the belles get a chance to marry their men.  But no worries!  It turns out that the two men were also on the Island to live out their fantasies of fighting for the Confederacy during the Civil War.  So, everything works out….

This was a weird episode and, as I mentioned earlier, it’s definitely one that would not be made today.  I can only imagine how Twitter, if it had existed back then, would have reacted to the Civil War fantasy and the frequent appearances of Dixie on the soundtrack.  To be honest, though, the the two belles were less in love with the Confederacy and more just obsessed with Clark Gable and Leslie Howard.  Tattoo’s fantasy was actually the cringier of the two, with Tattoo pretending to be a God just to get laid and its suggestion that the Islanders will basically just worship anyone that they can convince to come to their village.

(Why don’t they worship Mr. Roarke then?  I mean, he has literal magic powers!)

As I said, this episode was just very weird.  1979, you know?

Retro Television Reviews: Hang Time 5.5 “Too Good To Be True” and 5.6 “Shall We Dance?”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing Hang Time, which ran on NBC from 1995 to 2000.  The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

I’ll always remember, me and my friends at Hang Time….

Episode 5.5 “Too Good To Be True”

(Dir by Miguel Higuera, originally aired on October 16th, 1999)

Michael’s father is out of town and — oh no! — Michael has damaged the family car.  Michael has to raise the money to fix the car before his father comes home so Michael gets a job delivering pizzas.  Since this is a Peter Engel-produced show, this means that Michael has to dress up and talk like a pirate.

Fortunately, Michael meets a real estate agent who happens to be a fan of Deering basketball.  The agent gives Michael a job and even loans him the money to pay for the car repairs!  Yay!

Unfortunately, Michael is dating Julie again and, as usual, Julie just can’t let anyone else be happy.  She decides that the real estate agent is trying to recruit Michael to play basketball at Indiana Tech.  Apparently, it’s against the rules for recruiters to offer gifts to students.  Julie tells Michael that he has to quit his job and then she gets the rest of the team to tell Michael the same thing.  Michael’s first instinct is to tell everyone to mind their own business.  And really, Michael has a point here.  It’s his life and seriously, I’m sure everyone bends the rules.  If he’s a good enough player and if he goes to a school with enough rich benefactors, no one will ever care.  But, eventually, Michael quits his new job and refuses to take the money.  By the end of the episode, he is once again dressed as a pirate and delivering pizzas.

“I’m proud of you,” Julie says, “you followed the rules.”

(Rules are for suckers.)

Meanwhile, Coach K is totally excited because he’s bought a new telescope so he can watch a comet fly by the Earth.  Yay!  I’ve been critical of Coach K in the past but he’s actually pretty likable in this episode and Dick Butkus does a good job of playing up his almost childlike excitement over seeing the comet.  Of course, Julie pops up to say that the comet is no big deal because Julie has to ruin everything.

Let’s move on.

Episode 5.6 “Shall We Dance?”

(Dir by Miguel Higuera, originally aired on October 23rd, 1999)

At the start of this episode, the audience goes crazy as Michael asks Julie out on a date.

“You two are so getting back together!” Mary Beth tells Julie.

Uhmmm …. last episode, they were back together and Julie was going out of her way to ruin Michael’s future.  Once again, we have another example of NBC deciding to show these episodes out of order and allowing continuity to be damned.

Anyway, Michael and Julie start dating again.  However, Julie also discovers that she and Antonio love to swing dance!  (Over the past five seasons, there’s been absolutely nothing about Julie that suggested she would be into swing dancing but whatever….)  Julie and Antonio decide to enter a swing dancing contest and soon, they’re spending all of their time together.  Always a force of chaos, Mary Beth subtly suggests to Michael and Kristy that their respective significant others may be falling for each other.  Even a bizarre cameo from Dr. Drew Pinsky (who apparently lives in Deering and shops at the local mall) can’t keep Michael and Kristy from getting jealous.

This was actually a fun episode, just because of all of the dancing.  Jay Hernandez and Daniella Deutscher did get married after co-starring on Hang Time so Mary Beth wasn’t totally wrong about there being chemistry between Julie and Antonio.  If I really wanted to be critical, I would point out that this is yet another episode where Julie is actually pretty self-centered (she abandons Michael in the middle of a date so that she can go practice a new dance move with Antonio) but …. eh.  There was too much dancing for me to be overly critical.

There was also a pretty stupid B-plot, where Silk and Eugene tried to film Coach K. losing his temper so that they could send it into America’s Funniest Home Videos.  Didn’t the same thing happen on California Dreams and City Guys?  It might have happened on One World, too.  All of these shows blend together after a while.  Still, despite the dumb B-plot, I enjoyed this episode.