Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Check It Out 1.3 “No Cause For Alarm”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Saturdays, I will be reviewing the Canadian sitcom, Check it Out, which ran in syndication from 1985 to 1988.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, Howard has a chance to get the heck out of Canada!

Episode 1.3 “No Cause For Alarm”

(Dir by Gary Plaxton, originally aired on October 16th, 1985)

The workers at Cobb’s Grocery are reluctantly preparing for another theme week at the store.  It’s a Switzerland theme week, which I assume will be very popular in Canada.  All of the cashiers are dressed like Julie Andrews in The Sound of Music.  Assistant manager Jack Christian is wearing lederhosen.  Christian is really excited because he’s managed to borrow an expensive cuckoo clock with which to decorate the store.

Store manager Howard Bannister has a bit more on his mind, though.  He has an interview coming up with an international hotel chain and, if he aces the interview, he’ll get to manage a hotel in Venice.  As Howard puts it, this has been his dream for about 15 years.  Unfortunately, it’s going to be difficult for Howard to ace that interview because the store’s alarm system keeps malfunctioning and the police finally tell Howard to just turn off the alarm so that they’re not bothered anymore.  However, that expensive and borrowed cuckoo clock is still hanging on the wall so Howard ends up having to sleep at the store.  Needless to say, the exhausted Howard falls asleep in the middle of his interview and doesn’t get the job.  As Christian resigns himself to still being the store’s assistant manager, Howard accepts that he’s not going anywhere for a while.

This is an odd episode of Check It Out.  For one thing, there’s a totally different stockboy (played by Jason Warren) from the kid who appeared in the previous two episodes.  He’s a bit older than the usual stockboy, he wears rather thick glasses, and everyone acts as if he’s always been at the store.  Meanwhile, the store’s electrician (played by Gordon Clapp) is referred to as being “Mr. Matthews” even though his name was Viker in his previous (and future) appearances.

Perhaps the oddest thing about the episode is that everyone is given very backstory-dependent dialogue.  For instance, Edna has a long conversation with cashier Jennifer (Tonya Williams) in which she explains the history of her relationship with Howard.  Whenever Christian enters a room, everyone is quick to mention that he’s the assistant manager, as if this is information that has never been mentioned before.  The relationships between the characters also feel a bit off.  For instance, there hasn’t been any hints of deep friendship between Edna and Jennifer in the previous two episodes.

My guess is that this episode was originally the pilot for Check It Out.  Apparently, it worked well enough to sell the show but the show’s producers decided not to use it as the first episode.  Instead, it aired as the third episode, despite the fact that the episode was essentially a rough draft of what the show would become.

As for the episode …. eh, it’s okay.  Gordon Clapp was funny as the confident but incompetent electrician.  Jeff Pustil had a few funny moments as Christian.  Don Adams overacted a bit as Howard, as if the show still wasn’t sure how obnoxious or sympathetic the character should be.  My main issue with the episode was the idea of Howard going from managing a grocery store in Canada to managing an international hotel in Venice.  I mean, can Howard even speak Italian?

Next week, everyone at the store is required to get a physical!

Retro Television Reviews: Welcome Back, Kotter 2.16 “Kotter and Son”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Welcome Back Kotter, which ran on ABC  from 1975 to 1979.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, Gabe’s father comes to visit!

Episode 2.16 “Kotter and Son”

(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on January 20th, 1977)

January 20th, 1977.  While many Americans was celebrating the inauguration of Jimmy Carter and others were laying the groundwork for the election of 1980, teenagers all across America were tuning into ABC so that they could see what Barbarino was going to do this week.

The first image they saw on that Inauguration Day was Gabe and Julie sitting in the apartment and reading the newspaper.

“Know who this guys looks like?” Gabe asks, pointing to a picture in the paper.

“One of your relatives?” Julie replies, as if she’s already dreading what’s to come.

“My cousin, Sidney Kotter!” Gabe announces.

Cousin Sid was so stupid that he once locked his keys in the car.  He called the auto club (the auto club again!) and they said they would be there in an hour.  Sid replied, “Well, you can’t come here in an hour because it’s raining outside and my car’s a convertible and I left the top down.”

At school, Gabe teaches about World War II but he’s obviously distracted, not even acknowledging a joke told by Epstein.  After the bell rings and the rest of the class leaves, Gabe tells the main four Sweathogs that he’s having problems at home.  Everyone assumes that Julie has left him again but Gabe eventually confesses that he’s nervous because his father is coming for a visit from Florida.  Barbarino says that Gabe has nothing to be nervous about.

“Vinny,” Gabe says, “Imagine your father is coming 14,000 miles to see his son!  Imagine that!”

Barbarino tries to imagine.  “Is he coming on a bus or a train?”

Gabe then compares his father the iceberg that hit the Titanic, which leads to the Sweathogs singing a song about an iceberg wearing a sports shirt.

The next morning, at the apartment, Julie struggles to convince Gabe to get out of bed and get ready for his father’s visit.  While Gabe and Julie try to figure out why his father would come all the way to New York from Florida, the man himself, Charlie Kotter (Harold Gould), knocks on the front door.  Charlie enters the apartment and tells Julie that she’s beautiful and then orders Gabe to “wash your teeth.”  Charlie declares that the cab that picked him up at the airport was Gabe’s apartment and says that he’s glad that he’ll be staying with Gabe’s brother, Melvin.  “Remember your brother, Melvin?” Charlie asks before then asking if Gabe has found a real job yet.

You may have guessed that Charlie and Gabe have a strained relationship and they do.  Charlie thinks that Gabe is wasting his life, teaching remedial classes at his old high school in New York.  Gabe thinks that he’s doing a good thing by teaching the Sweathogs.  Charlie says that he wants Gabe to come back to Florida with him and join him in selling coconut-themed souvenirs.  “Kotter and Son!” Charlie announces.  Charlie then says that he’s going to school with Gabe so that he can finally see what Gabe does for a living.  Gabe is not happy about this but finds himself powerless to stop his elderly father from following him out of the apartment.

Cut to the school, where Charlie has made friends with Mr. Woodman.  As Mr. Woodman looks at the coconut paperweight that Charlie has given him, Charlie says, “I just want to see what my son does for a living.”  Woodman asks Charlie to let him know if he ever figures it out.

In class, Gabe tries to teach but is nervous with Charlie constantly interrupting him.  Finally, Charlie agrees to remain quiet so that he can observe and Gabe teaches about the Great Depression while pretending to be Walter Winchell doing a radio report.  Gabe pretends to be a stockbroker who has lost everything.  He pretends to be a bitter worker.  He pretends to be Herbert Hoover.  Charlie is skeptical of Gabe’s techniques but then Gabe proves that the Sweathogs now know and understand far more about the Great Depression than they did at the start of the class.  Even Barbarino had debatably picked up some knowledge!

(“What did the Stock Market crash do to the price of products?” Gabe asks Barbarino.  “What products?” Barbarino replies.)

Charlie asks Gabe to step out in the hallway and tells Gabe that he knows Gabe isn’t going to move down to Florida.

Gabe says, “Pop, I’m 30 years old.  Just tell me your proud of me!”

“You should hear how much I talk about in Florida,” Charlies replies, “People down there are sick of hearing about you!  Now, go teach your Sweathogs.”

Realizing that he’s not going to get anything better than that, Gabe returns to his classroom.  As Gabe closes the door, Charlie says, “I’m proud of you, my son.”

Gabe opens the door and says, “I heard you.”

Awwwwwwww!

Back at the apartment, Charlie asks Julie if she ever heard about what happened to his brother, Saul Kotter.  Julie is a bit more tolerant of Charlie telling jokes than she is when Gabe does it.  Anyway, Saul was hit by a truck while crossing the street.  A policeman put his jacket under Saul’s head and asked him if he was comfortable.  Saul replied, “I make a good living.”  As Charlie finishes his joke, Gabe steps in the apartment and asks, “Julie, have I ever told you about my Uncle Saul?”

This episode definitely worked, mostly because Harold Gould and Gabe Kaplan were totally believable as father and son.  There were not a lot of Sweathog shenanigans this episode but the scenes between Gabe and his father were well-acted and ultimately rather sweet.

Next week: Gabe takes a second job to pay for dental work!  Julie thinks that he’s having an affair with someone who actually likes his jokes.

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Friday the 13th 1.3 “Cupid’s Quiver”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing Friday the 13th, a show which ran in syndication from 1988 to 1990.  The show can be found on YouTube!

Tonight’s episode is directed by a future Oscar nominee and a multiple Genie winner!

Episode 1.3 “Cupid’s Quiver”

(Dir by Atom Egoyan, originally aired on October 12th, 1987)

This week’s cursed antique is a statue of Cupid that shoots neon arrows at women and causes those targeted to fall madly in love with the statue’s owner.  Unfortunately, the curse kicks in when the owner of the statue is then forced to murder the woman who is now in love with him.  Yikes!  What a mean statue.

When we first see the statue, it belongs to a frat boy who uses the statue at a club.  After the frat boy is arrested for murder, possession of the statue falls to a total loser named Eddie Monroe (Denis Forest).  Eddie is a janitor and groundskeeper at a local college.  He’s the type of guy who hardly anyone ever notices and even those who do notice him think that he is a complete creep.  Eddie is obsessed with a student named Laurie Warren (Carolyn Dunn), following her around campus and taking pictures of her.  He’s even built an elaborate shrine to her in his apartment, one where he’s cut the heads off of the people that Carolyn was with and replaced them with his own head.  (Double yikes!)  Laurie, of course, wants nothing to do with Eddie.

Could Eddie’s new statue help him out?  He hopes so and he even takes it to the club to test it on someone else beforehand.  Eddie is determined to force Carolyn to love him, even if he’ll be required to kill her almost immediately afterwards.  Fortunately, Ryan, Jack, and Micki are on campus, searching for the statue.

This episode is often cited as one of the best of the show’s run, largely because it was directed by a future Oscar nominee, Atom Egoyan.  (Amongst Egoyan’s films: Exotica, The Sweet Hereafter, Felicia’s Journey and Where The Truth Lies.)  It’s certainly not a bad episode, as Egoyan approaches the storyline with a sense of humor.  The scenes of the frat boy and then Eddie wandering around with their cupid statue are more than a little silly and Egoyan seems to understand that.  He does a good job contrasting the ludicrousness of the statue with the seriousness of the consequences of using it.  The ultimate message is that both the statue and the men who carry it with them are more dangerous than they look.

I also enjoyed the scenes in which Ryan and a far more reluctant Micki went to a frat house to search for the statue.  The frat house is a stereotypical den of debauchery, full of empty beers can and a black bra hanging from a ceiling fan.  Ryan, not surprisingly, is right at home.  Micki cannot wait to escape and I have to say that, as often happens when I watched episodes of this show, I definitely related to Micki.  Watching Ryan and Micki wander through various frat parties in search of Eddie and his statue, I had to ask myself which is worse, a cursed antique or a fraternity?

Retro Television Reviews: T and T 1.21 “Private Eyes”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing T. and T., a Canadian show which ran in syndication from 1987 to 1990.  The show can be found on Tubi!

This week, T.S. Turner searches for a missing teenage boy and finds Vernon Wells instead.

Episode 1.21 “Private Eyes”

(Dir by Stan Olsen, originally aired on May 30th, 1989)

“On tonight’s episode,” Mr. T informs us during the pre-credits, “the mob hunts for a young kid to prevent his father from testifying in court.”

Now, I understand that it’s tempting to roll your eyes at the mention of the mob, seeing as how this is a Canadian show.  But what many Americans don’t know is that the Mafia is actually very active in Canada and they have been since the days of Prohibition.  All that liquor that Al Capone was selling on the streets of Chicago?  It came from Canada!

Tonight’s episode opens with Frank (Angelo Pedari), who has an impressive flat top, walking and then driving down the snowy streets of Canada.  He’s on a mission to prevent a married couple from testifying in court.  As the local mob boss puts it, the couple will be less likely to testify if their son is missing.  Interestingly, these two important witnesses do not have any police assigned their house so Mr. Flaptop and his criminal associate are able to walk right in and announce that they’re taking young Steve (Noam Zylberman) hostage.  In his bedroom, Steve overhears and slips out the window.  The mobsters decide to chase after Steve as opposed to kidnapping (or doing something even worse) to his parents.  I mean, if their goal is to keep the parents from testifying and Canada won’t even send a patrol car to check on the house, I’m not sure why the mob is wasting their time on some teenager.

At the courthouse, Officer Jones (Ken James) gives Amanda a picture of Steve and then asks if T.S. Turner can hit the streets and look for him.  (So, why not just give the picture to Turner?)  Turner agrees to look for the kid, even though he and Amy agree that they’re obviously only getting half the story.

Turner heads to down to the local pool hall, where the local pool hustler says that someone already came into the place looking for the kid.  “He talked like that Alligator guy in the movie.”

“Australian!?”  Turner asks, as if this is the first time that an Australian has ever been spotted in Toronto.

Now fully aware that there is an Australian searching for the kid, Turner reminds everyone in the pool hall to “call me” and not the Australian.

Who is the Australian?  Why, it’s veteran screen tough guy, Vernon Wells!  (Wells played played Wez in The Road Warrior.)  In this episode, Vernon is playing Nigel and he is determined to find that kid.  When T.S. stumbles across Nigel at the local Canadian high school, showing the students picture of Steven, Turner demands to know what’s going on.

“I’m not talking to you, mate!” Nigel replies.

“Yes, you are.” T.S. replies.

“No, I’m not!”

“Yes, you are!”

“No, I’m not!”

Okay, guys, come on now….

Eventually, the police are called and Nigel and T.S. are both dragged down to the police station.

“When I get out of these cuffs, my friend!” Nigel says to T.S.

“You ain’t my friend, brother!” T.S. replies.

Detective Jones tells them to stop both yelling at each other.  He explains that Nigel has been hired by Steven’s parents to find their son.  He suggests that T.S. and Nigel work together.

“I work alone,” Nigel says before storming out of the police station.  However, Nigel changes his mind, returns, and says that maybe he and T.S. should work together.

“No hard feelings, mate?” Nigel asks.

“I guess not,” T.S. replies, “I can always beat on your later.”

“That won’t be a easy from a hospital bed, mate.”

“I ain’t your mate, brother.”

Guys, come on now.  The machismo is getting almost overwhelming.

At the gym, T.S. and Nigel meet a taxi driver who gave Steve a ride to the hotel where he is currently hiding out.  T.S. and Nigel decide to head over to the hotel but the mob has already learned where Steve is hiding out.  (Somehow, Steve’s disguise of a trench coat and dark glasses has failed to fool anyone.)

While T.S. and Steve head over to the gym, Amy confronts Detective Jones about the fact that there was supposed to be a police car in front of Steven’s parents house on the day that Steven disappeared.  Someone called off the car.  Jones admits that there is a mafia informant in the police department and that’s why he had to hire T.S. to look for the kid.  Jones demands to know where Amy got her information.  Amy says that she never reveals her sources.  Then Sophie (Catherine Disher) wanders into the office and reveals that she got the information from a guy in fingerprinting that she’s dating.  Go Sophie!

Meanwhile, at the hotel, T.S. and Nigel discover that Steve is not in his room.  Nigel suggests that maybe one of them should wait outside in case Steve returns.

“That’s a good idea, brother!” T.S. says.

“I’m not your brother,” Nigel replies.

Okay, guys, come on, everyone is supposed to be working together here….

Anyway, the kid and the mob show up at the same time so Nigel and Turner get to beat some people up and save the kid.  Yay!

Steven’s parents testify against the mob and then enter Witness Protection, which I guess means moving from Toronto to North York.  At the courthouse, Nigel and T.S. finally find something that they can agree on, American football.

“Greatest football team ever made!” T.S. announces.

“The Redskins!” Nigel agrees.

Uh-oh.  Guys, you might want to stop bonding….

Anyway, this episode was actually kind of fun, due to the bickering between Mr. T and Vernon Wells.  They made for a fun team.  Once again, it doesn’t really do anyone any good to try to tell an hour’s worth of story in only 30 minutes but Vernon Wells made me smile.  That’s the important thing!

Vernon Wells, in Commando

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Highway To Heaven 1.3 “To Touch The Moon”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Highway to Heaven, which aired on NBC from 1984 to 1989.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi and several other services!

This week, Highway to Heaven is determined to make you cry.

Episode 1.3 “To Touch The Moon”

(Dir by Michael Landon, originally aired on September 26th, 1984)

Oh my God, this episode.  Seriously, this episode was a real tear-jerker and a good example of how this show’s earnest and extremely sincere approach could make even the most predictable of stories emotionally effective.

This episode deals with two young boys living in Houston.

Arthur Nealy (Barret Oliver) is the son of a man who flew to the Moon as a part of NASA and then died when the plane that he was flying crashed.  (Before the crash, Arthur’s father got the plane out over the ocean and saved the lives of everyone who was underneath him.)  For most of his short life, Arthur has struggled with Leukemia.  After a year of being in remission, the cancer has returned and, as his doctor (Don Starr) tells his mother (Carrie Snodgress), there is no hope this time.  Arthur’s only wish is to “touch the moon” before he dies.

Tony Rizzo (Tony La Torre) is a tough kid who has been in trouble with the police numerous times and who is on the verge of being kicked out his apartment by his own grandmother (Penny Santon).

Mark and Jonathan meet Tony while the latter is standing on the side of the road and hitchhiking.  Former cop Mark doesn’t want to stop to pick up any hitchhikers.  Jonathan, being an angel who can basically do anything, forces the car to stop anyways.  Jonathan and Mark agree to give Tony a ride but, when they stop off to get breakfast at a diner, Tony promptly steals Mark’s car.  While Jonathan goes off to do angel stuff, Mark pursues Tony.

Eventually, Mark tracks Tony down to his grandmother’s apartment but, when Mark discovers that Tony’s parents abandoned him and that his grandmother doesn’t even want him, Mark doesn’t have the heart to take Tony to the police.  (Awwwww!)  Instead, he takes Tony with him to an address that Jonathan give him earlier.

The address is the Nealy House, where Jonathan shows up to give Arthur a birthday gift and introduces himself as being a friend of Arthur’s father.  (The implication is that Jonathan and Arthur’s father have been conversing in Heaven.)  Arthur asks his mother if Tony can stay with him for a few days.  Arthur’s mother agrees.  When Tony tries to later sneak out of the house, he’s stopped by Jonathan, who reveals that Arthur has cancer and who gets Tony to agree to be Arthur’s friend for a few days.

You can probably guess where this is heading.  Tony and Arthur end up bonding.  Tony lets down his tough exterior.  Arthur says that he wants his mother to adopt Tony after he dies.  One happy family montage later, Arthur collapses in his bedroom and is taken to the hospital where Jonathan visits him in his hospital room and shows him that death is nothing to fear.  Arthur stares out the hospital window and the camera zooms in on the moon, the implication being the Arthur’s spirit is now free to touch the moon.

“Your home, son,” Jonathan says, his voice cracking, “you’re  home.”

I mean, Good Lord!  I’m crying just typing this up!  And really, that’s the best review that I can give you of this episode.  It was heavy-handed and sometimes the performances felt a little awkward but it totally made me cry.  There’s not a hint of cynicism to be found here, nor are there any hints of snarkiness.  There’s just a lot of very honest emotion.

Next week, I assume the show will make me cry again.

Retro Television Reviews: Jennifer Slept Here 1.3 “Not With My Date You Don’t”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Jennifer Slept Here, which aired on NBC in 1983 and 1984.  The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

This week, Jennifer helps out when it looks like both Joey and Marc are about to get their hearts broken.

Episode 1.3 “Not With My Date You Don’t”

(Dir by John Bowab, originally aired on November 4th, 1983)

I should start this review with an admission.  Though every episode of Jennifer Slept Here has been uploaded to YouTube, some of the uploads are a bit better than others.  That’s not the fault of the uploader.  The uploader undoubtedly used the best copy of the third episode of Jennifer Slept Here that they had available.  It’s just an acknowledgement that Jennifer Slept Here is a show that briefly aired 40 years ago and it’s doubtful that anyone, at that time, knew that a reviewer would need a good copy of the third episode to watch in 2023.  The 3rd episode of the show is available on YouTube but the sound quality is a bit muddy and I often struggled to understand all of the dialogue.  So, I’m just going to admit right now that I did the best that I could and if I misheard anything, I apologize.

As for the episode itself, it opens with Joey rehearsing asking out a classmate in front of his mirror.  Jennifer materializes in a red dress that is to die for.  Joey asks Jennifer where she’s going to go in that outfit and Jennifer says that she’s just going out.  To be honest, Joey’s question is a good one because, seriously, where does Jennifer have to go?  She’s a ghost!

When Jennifer finds out that Joey is feeling nervous about asking pretty blonde Linda (Viveka Davis) to go on a date with him, she decides to help him out by going to school with him.  This makes sense because, as we all know, there’s nothing more attractive than a teenage boy who wanders around his school talking to himself.  Anyway, with Jennifer’s encouragement, Joey asks out Linda but she informs him that she already has a date ….. WITH MARC (Glenn Scarpelli)!  Marc is Joey’s annoying best friend.

Joey’s parents set him up with a blind date, who I think was named Eileen (Megan Daniels).  At least now Joey can go on a double date to the movies with Marc and Linda.  (Yeah, there’s no way that won’t be awkward.)  However, Eileen turns out to be a punk rocker with multi-colored hair, who yells at the movie and  totally embarrasses Joey in front of Marc, Linda, and Jennifer (who decides to tag along in ghost form).  Eileen decides that the movie sucks and leaves.  Linda asks Marc to go get her some more popcorn and, after he leaves, she immediately moves over to Marc and starts hitting on him.  Jennifer is scandalized, saying that Linda has no morals.

Later, after the date, Joey is feeling pretty proud of himself when Marc suddenly shows up and accuses Joey of “stealing my girl.”  This brings their friendship to an end.  Yay!  Seriously, Marc is a dork!  Joey needed a better friend.  Jennifer, however, is upset that Joey is allowing Linda — a girl with no morals! — come between him and his dorky friend.

The next day, in school, Jennifer decides to take actions into her own invisible ghost hands by grabbing Linda, shoving her up to the chalkboard, and then grabbing Linda’s hand and forcing her to write that she lied on the chalkboard.  Apparently, the reason she lied was to get Joey to buy her tickets to a Rick Springfield concert but don’t quote me on that.  This where that muddy soundtrack kicked in and made it difficult for me to follow all of the conversations.  All I know that Jennifer forced Linda to write, “I lied” and then Jennifer added, “Springfield tickets” underneath Linda’s admission.  So, that would suggest Linda either wanted to see Rick Springfield or maybe Dusty Springfield, depending on the depths of her musical knowledge.  Or maybe she actually wrote Springsteen on the chalkboard.  I really couldn’t tell.  The important thing is that Joey dumps Linda for being dishonest and he and Marc are friends again.

Even when it came to the parts that I could understand, I wasn’t a huge fan of this episode, largely because I felt it was way too judgmental of Linda.  I mean, really, the only thing that Linda did was flirt with a guy who she hoped would take her to a concert.  It’s not like she was married to either Marc or Joey.  In fact, she only went out with Marc once before hitting on Joey so it’s not like Linda was really even dating either one of them.  Ann Jillian’s outfits were cute but this episode just didn’t work for me.

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Monsters 1.3 “New York Honey”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing Monsters, which aired in syndication from 1988 to 1991.  The entire show is streaming on Youtube.

This week’s episode is all about bee keeping and the wages of sin!

Episode 1.3 “New York Honey”

(Dir by Gerald Cotts, originally aired on November 5th, 1988)

Actually, this episode felt kind of pointless.  I usually try to come up with at least 500 words whenever I write a review but it’s going to be a struggle tonight.

Jay Blake (Lewis J. Stadlen) and his wife, Emerald (Elaine Bromka) live in an apartment in New York.  Their new upstairs neighbor is a mysterious man named Dr. Homer Jimmerman (MacIntyre Dixon).  Hardly anyone around the building ever sees Dr. Jimmerman but they definitely hear him moving around and working in his apartment.  When Jay and Emerald get annoyed by the loud music coming from Dr. Jimmerman’s apartment, Jay heads upstairs to complain.

When Dr. Jimmerman opens the door to his apartment, Jay barges in and discovers that Dr. Jimmerman is keeping bees in his apartment, a clear violation of his lease.  However, Jay gets one taste of the honey that the bees produce and he decides that, rather than evict Dr. Jimmerman, he wants to go into business with him.  Dr. Jimmerman says that he doesn’t have enough honey to start selling it but Jay blackmails him into accepting Jay’s offer.

Rich people in New York love the honey and Jay finds himself falling for Dr. Jimmerman’s femme fatale of a girlfriend, Desiree (Andrea Thompson).  Jay even sends Emerald to Dr. Jimmerman’s apartment so that he can get some alone time with Desiree.  Desiree declares that there can only be one queen and suddenly, all of the bees attack Emerald and kill her.  Desiree then explains to Jay that Dr. Jimmerman’s time has come to an end and now, Jay’s going to be the worker bee who gets to look after her needs.  That’s right …. DESIREE IS ACTUALLY SOME SORT OF BEE CREATURE!  Out the apartment window goes Jay.

And that’s pretty much the entire episode!

Seriously, there’s not much to say about New York Honey.  From the minute that Desiree arrives, it’s obvious that she has a secret and that it is linked to all of the bees that Dr. Jimmerman is keeping in his apartment.  It doesn’t take a genius to guess that her secret is going to somehow involve her being the “queen bee.”  It’s also pretty easy to guess that Jay is eventually going to go out that window because Jay is such a smarmy character that there’s no way he isn’t going to end up getting tossed out a window.  Such are the wages of sin and all that.  Andrea Thompson gives a good performance as Desiree the Bee Lady but otherwise, this episode was way too predictable.

How many words is that?  503?  That’ll work!

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 3.12 “The Brotherhood of the Sea/Letter to Babycakes/Daddy’s Pride”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This cruise is all about deception!  Welcome aboard, it’s love!

Episode 3.12 “The Brotherhood of the Sea/Letter to Babycakes/Daddy’s Pride”

(Dir by George Tyne, originally aired on November 17th, 1979)

Julie’s birthday is coming up and the crew is planning to throw her a surprise party.  However, to keep Julie from catching on to what they’re planning, Doc, Gopher, and Isaac decide that they need to keep her occupied.  They tell her that they are all member of the “The Brotherhood of the Sea” and that they’re now prepared to make Julie a member as well.

Somehow, Julie falls for this very obvious lie and she spends almost the entire cruise doing all of the silly activities that Doc, Gopher, and Isaac have set up for her.  As I watched this, I found myself wondering if maybe Julie had somehow forgotten when her birthday was because, seriously, it couldn’t have been any more obvious what Doc, Gopher, and Isaac were doing.  Even worse, Julie gets so busy trying to join the Brotherhood of the Sea that she neglects her latest romantic partner, Rory Daniels (Christopher Connelly).

It’s time that we just face facts.  Until Julie gets off that boat, she’s never going to find the husband that she always says that she’s looking for.  The Boat pretty much dominates Julie’s life and there’s no way that her male co-workers are ever going to stop out of the way and allow Julie to find any sort of happiness.  It’s an interesting dynamic and I think it’s one that’s familiar to any woman who has worked with mostly male co-workers.  On the one hand, the ground you walk on is worshipped.  On the other hand, they don’t ever want to let you go.

While Julie is trying to join the Brotherhood of the Sea, Olympic gymnast Penny Barrett (Nancy McKeon) just wants to hang out with Kevin (Stephen Manley), a passenger who is her own age.  Unfortunately, Penny’s father (Alex Cord) is also her coach and he wants her to devote all of her time, even her time on the Boat, to training.  Poor Penny!  Seriously, back when my whole life was about going to dance class, I met so many people like Penny, whose parents basically lived their entire lives through them and never allowed them to have a childhood.  I was glad my parents supported me but didn’t pressure me.

Finally, wealthy Bart (Demon Wilson) boards the ship with his girlfriend, Tracy (Telma Hopkins), and his assistant, Wally (Jimmie Walker).  After Bart meets Ginger (Sydney Goldsmith), he decides that he wants to cheat on Tracy and he expects Wally to help him pull it off by keeping Tracy busy while Bart goes off with Ginger.  Needless to say this leads to Tracy and Wally falling in love.  Ha!  Take that, Bart!  This storyline would have been a bit more interesting if the two leads actors weren’t so boring in their roles.

This was a so-so cruise but at least Julie knows where she stands now.

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Gun 1.3 “Columbus Day”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Gun, an anthology series that ran on ABC for six week in 1997.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, Gun welcomes …. JAMES GANDOLFINI!

Episode 1.3 “Columbus Day”

(Dir by James Steven Sadwith, originally aired on May 3rd, 1997)

The third episode of Gun does indeed features James Gandolfini.  Gandolfini play Walter Difideli, who seems to have quite a bit in common with Gandolfini’s best-known character.  Like Tony Soprano, Walter is proud of his Italian heritage, loudly discussing the superiority of men like Amerigo Vespucci and Christopher Columbus.  Walter makes it a point to stay home on Columbus Day so that he can properly celebrate.  Like Tony, Walter boasts about how he will always take care of his family and he also has something of a quick temper.  And, like Tony, Walter keeps a gun around the house.

However, there are a few differences as well.  For one thing, Walter is firmly on the side of law and order.  Unlike Tony, who lived in a mansion and never worried about the legality of his activities. Walter is very honest and, as a result, he and his family live in a crappy apartment.  Another big difference between Walter and Tony is that, while Tony always had a mistress, Walter is loyal to his wife, Lilly (Rosanna Arquette).  Walter is not one to cheat.  The only cheating in the marriage is done by his wife.

Walter works for TSA at an airport.  One day, he helps to chase down a terrorist.  Before the terrorist is captured, he tosses his gun — the Gun of the show’s title — into a janitor’s cart.  When the janitor later comes across the gun, he sells it to Walter for $50.

Walter wants Lilly to have a gun because he’s taking an extra job at night so that he can raise enough money to afford ballet lessons for their daughter and an engagement ring for his wife.  (When they were engaged, he could never afford to get her a ring.)  Lilly is unhappy about Walter refusing to let her work and instead expecting her to spend all of her time around the apartment.  But then Lilly meets one of her neighbors, a writer named Jack Keyes (Peter Horton).  Soon, she and Jack are having a passionate affair, one that inspires Jack to write a less-than-flattering shorty story called The Tryst.

Meanwhile, the terrorist’s collaborator wants to get the gun back and, after he finds out that Walter has it, he starts harassing Walter at work and later at his apartment.  The nervous Walter starts to carry around the gun with him.  When Lilly, upset over Jack’s short story, deletes all of his files from his laptop, the angry Jack goes down to Lilly’s apartment and kicks open the door.  What he doesn’t know is that Walter is waiting on the other side of the door, with his gun.  Jack ends up dead.  Walter is declared a hero for protecting his home.  Lilly submits Jack’s short story under her name and it gets published.  And the terrorist …. well, he’s just kind of forgotten about.

This was an unsatisfying episode, one that ended with a few too many loose ends still dangling.  (At one point, it’s revealed that Jack secretly films his encounters with Lilly but it’s one of those plot points that goes nowhere.)  An even bigger problem was that there really wasn’t anyone in this episode who seemed worthy of being the center of a story.  Walter was a hopelessly naïve blowhard.  Lilly cheated on her devoted husband and never appeared to feel the least bit of guilt about it, even after Walter gunned down her lover.  Jack was a jerk but it’s hard not to feel that he deserved better than to have his life’s work deleted by the whiny Lilly.  The performances were all good but none of the characters seemed to be worth the effort.

Still, for James Ganolfini fans, this episode does provide a bit of a dry run for Gandolfini’s legendary performance as Tony Soprano.  Imagine a world where Tony is a complete dunce and you’ll probably come up with this episode of Gun.

 

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 3.19 “The Swinger/Terrors of the Mind”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986.  Almost entire show is currently streaming is on Youtube!

This week, Fantasy Island swings!

Episode 3.19 “The Swinger/Terrors of the Mind”

(Dir by Cliff Bole, originally aired on February 9th, 1980)

This week, we have one fun fantasy and one fantasy that’s a bit less interesting.

The less interesting fantasy features Herman Dodge (Howard Morris), a middle-aged man who is upset because he feels that he was too old to take part in the sexual revolution of the 60s and 70s.  Having just gotten a divorce from Maxine (Anne Francis), Herman comes to the Island with his best friend, Stan (Jack Carter).  Herman wants to be a swinger so Mr. Roarke makes him look a few years younger and then he takes him to the “Fantasy Island Mariana, where all the swingers hang out.”

Looks like a happening place!

Herman is soon the most popular guy at the marina and he even has a new girlfriend named Peggy (Judy Landers).  Unfortunately, Duke (Lou Richards) and his friend, Hot Dog (Ed Ruffalo), are threatened by Herman’s sudden popularity.  Herman is challenged to various “water sports,” (yes, I snickered) and Herman manages to hold his own but he’s not sure if he’ll be able to jump over a speedboat while on skis.  Fortunately, Maxine shows up on the Island and Herman realizes that he not only loves her but he also enjoys being a part of the older, more conservative generation.

It’s a typical Fantasy Island fantasy, designed to appeal to the older viewers who weren’t sure what was going on with those wild and crazy kids.  It was okay but it wasn’t particularly interesting.

Far more interesting was the other fantasy, in which Sharon Sanders (Lisa Hartman) comes to the Island from a small town and asks to be given the chance to see the future.  Mr. Roarke gives her a diamond ring.  When she concentrates on the diamond, she gets a vision of the future.  Her first vision is of Martin Ward (Frankie Avalon) getting run over by a drunk driver.  Sharon saves Martin’s life and the two of them fall in love.  The Fantasy Island casino makes one of its rare appearances as Sharon uses the ring to win a lot of money at Roulette.  But then Sharon sees a vision of an older man (Stephen McNally) strangling her and the fantasy is no longer fun.

Sharon wants to leave the Island and end her fantasy.  Mr. Roarke replies that he cannot cancel a fantasy once it has begun, despite the fact that he’s done or offered to do that many times in the past for other guests.  (I sometimes suspect that Mr. Roarke makes things up as he goes along.)

Anyway, the older man turns out to be the owner of the casino.  He wants to murder Sharon because he can’t afford to pay her gambling winnings.  Fortunately, when he does attack Sharon, Martin pops up out of nowhere and saves her life.  Yay!

(So, I guess the casino is going to be closed now?  And I thought Mr. Roarke owned the casino.  Who knows?  The Island is a confusing place.)

Sharon, having learned that the world is a dangerous place, returns to her hometown with Martin.  Martin says they’re going to settle down together.  Mr. Roarke says that he hopes Sharon has learned a lesson about taking fate into her own hands and not worrying about what the future holds, which doesn’t make much sense considering that Sharon’s future would have included being murdered if she hadn’t worried about it.

Though the fantasy becomes less logical the more I think about it, it was still an enjoyable one.  Lisa Hartman and Frankie Avalon had a surprising amount of chemistry and the scene where the killer chased Sharon into a cemetery was well-done.  I’m just happy that Martin was there to save Sharon, as opposed to hanging out at the Fantasy Island Marina.

That’s where all the swingers hang out, you know.