Retro Television Reviews: Miami Vice 1.16 “Rites of Passage”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing Miami Vice, which ran on NBC from 1984 to 1989.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, Pam Grier and John Turturro show up in Miami!

Episode 1.16 “Rites of Passage”

(Dir by David Anspaugh, originally aired on February 8th, 1985)

This week’s episode of Miami Vice opens with a 5-minute mini-movie.  Before we even get to the opening credits, we have watched as young and innocent Diane Gordon (Terry Ferman) arrives in Miami from New York, takes her first walk on a Florida beach, has a “chance” meeting with a smooth-talking guy named Lile (David Thornton), and ends up at a party being held at a mansion belonging to David Traynor (a young John Turturro).  Traynor tells Diane that he runs a modeling agency and that he would love to put her under contract.

It’s a stylish and rather brave opening.  For five minutes, we don’t see or even hear about any of the regular characters.  Instead, we’re introduced to world where image is everything, from the bodies on the beach to Traynor’s art deco mansion to the beautiful women who have been paid for by considerably less attractive men.  In those five minutes, Diane wins our sympathy and we also see how she (and so many others) have fallen into the trap set by the David Traynors of the world.  For those five minutes, we are reminded that this is a show about more than Sonny Crockett and Ricardo Tubbs.  It’s about more than even Miami.  This is a show about America.

After the opening credits, we watch as the police retrieve the body of one of Traynor’s girls from a lagoon.  She committed suicide.  In the crowd watching is Diane’s sister, Valerie (played by the legendary Pam Grier).  Valerie is a New York cop.  When she goes to the Vice Squad to ask for Castillio’s help in searching for her sister, we learn that she is also Tubbs’s former (and soon current) lover.

In many ways, the rest of this episode is traditional Miami Vice.  Zito and Switek provide some comic relief when they disguise themselves as exterminators and invade one of Traynor’s parties.  Crockett and Tubbs once again go undercover as Burnett and Cooper, infiltrating Traynor’s mansion so that they can rescue Diane.  Diane has been so brainwashed by Traynor and Lile that, even after she’s been reunited with her sister, she still can’t bring herself to admit that Traynor was using her.  She calls Traynor and tells him that she’s decided to go back to New York City.  In a montage that is rather creepily scored to Foreigner’s I Want To Know What Love Is, scenes of Valerie and Tubbs making love are mixed with scenes of Lile giving Diane an intentional drug overdose.

Technically, this is a Tubbs episode.  For once, of the two main detectives, Tubbs is the one who has a personal reason for wanting to take Traynor down while it falls to Crockett to deal with Castillo’s withering stare of concern.  That said, Rites of Passage is Pam Grier’s show all the way.  From the minute that Grier shows up, she controls every scene in which she appears.  Just as in Coffy, Grier plays an avenging angel.  This episode ends, as Miami Vice often did, with a shoot out but this time, it’s Grier who guns down Lile and Traynor.  “Read me my rights,” Valerie says to Crockett as the episode ends.

Again, the storyline may have been typical Vice but the performance of Pam Grier and the stylish direction of David Anspaugh elevated the episode.  This episode presents Miami as being beautiful but heartless, a place where innocents come to pursue the American dream but instead find themselves being used and abused by sleazy but wealthy men.  (At one point, it is mentioned that Traynor specializes in finding women for diplomats, meaning that most of his clients have diplomatic immunity.)  Traynor’s mansion is a brilliant combination of the sleek and the tacky and Turturro plays Traynor as being a not particularly clever man who has gotten rich because he understands that everyone ultimately driven by the same desire for power and pleasure without consequences.

Next week …. it’s another Tubbs episode!  Can Tubbs defuse a hostage situation, despite not having an ex-lover around to help him?  We’ll find out!

Retro Television Reviews Will Return On January 1st!


Hi, everyone!

Typically, this is when I would post my weekly review of the old TV show, T and T.  However, our Retro Television Reviews feature is taking a break for the holiday weekend but it will return on January 1st!

Starting January 1st, our review schedule will be:

Monday — Miami Vice/CHiPs

Tuesday — Fantasy Island/Baywatch Nights

Wednesday — The Love Boat/Monsters

Thursday — ????/Highway to Heaven

Friday — T and T/Friday the 13th: The Series

Saturday — Welcome Back Kotter/Check It Out

Sunday — Weekly Made-For-TV Movie/Degrassi Junior High

Do you have a suggestion for what show should take over our open Thursday slot?  Let me know in the comments!

Have a great New Year!

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Highway to Heaven 1.14 “Plane Death”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Highway to Heaven, which aired on NBC from 1984 to 1989.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi and several other services!

This week, Jonathan and Mark enlist in the War on Drugs.

Episode 1.14 “Plane Death”

(Dir by Victor French, originally aired on January 9th, 1985)

In a small town in California, a man named Charlie Down (Robert Ford) drives his big family car down an isolated car.  One thing that that is immediately noticeable is that Charlie has a gigantic pair of fuzzy dice hanging from his rearview mirror.  That’s rarely a good sign.  The other thing that is immediately noticeable is that a remote control airplane is flying over the landscape.  As the audience will soon learn, the people in this town are obsessed with remote control airplanes.  That’s because drug dealer Jack Harm (Michael Bowen), the son of the local sheriff, is using the airplanes to smuggle cocaine.  When one of the planes crashes, Charlie rushes out to it and grabs the cocaine for himself.  He is pursued by Jack and his gang.  Charlie runs away from them.  An off-screen gunshot is heard.

What Jack doesn’t know is that the man that he murdered is an old friend of Mark Gordon’s (Victor French).  For the past few months, Mark has been on the road with angel Jonathan Smith (Michael Landon).  They’ve been taking care of people all over America.  But right now, they are between assignments.  They show up in town so that Mark can see his friend but, shortly after arriving, Mark is informed that Charlie has gone missing.  It doesn’t take Mark long to figure out what happened.  He announces that he’s going to get revenge, “just like in the Bible, eye for an eye.”

Fortunately, Jonathan is there to keep Mark from doing something that he might regret.  Before Mark can drive down to the local bar, Jonathan arranges for the police and the FBI to show up and take Jack and his gang into custody.  Jack’s father can only watch in disappointment as his son is taken off to prison.  When Mark thanks Jonathan for keeping him from making a mistake, Jonathan replies that he’s sure Mark would have stopped himself from killing anyone.  Mark says that he wouldn’t have been able to stop himself and Victor French’s delivery of the line is so somber and serious that there’s little doubt he was prepared to kill everyone in town.

At Charlie’s funeral, his young son (played by David Faustino) announces that he’s going to become a cop so that no other kids have to feel as bad as he feel right now.  Jonathan says that Charlie would be proud to hear that.  Mark asks Jonathan if the country is ever going to be able to win the war on drugs.

“If they don’t,” Jonathan replies, “they’re may not be a country to worry about.”

Yikes!  Setting aside the ultimate futility of the War on Drugs (which far too often became a war on addicts as opposed to war on the people making money off of them), this episode was actually pretty well-done.  Mark’s intense anger was perfectly portrayed, making him a bit frightening even if you understood his desire for revenge.  Michael Bowen’s superficially friendly psychopath was easy to dislike.  This was one of those episodes where the viewer appreciates the sincerity of the show’s emotions even if the legacy of the War on Drugs has ultimately been one of failure.

Retro Television Reviews: Jennifer Slept Here 1.13 “Take Jennifer, Please”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Jennifer Slept Here, which aired on NBC in 1983 and 1984.  The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

Today, we finish up Jennifer Slept Here!

Episode 1.13 “Take Jennifer, Please”

(Dir by Charles S. Dubin, originally aired on May 12th, 1984)

The final episode of Jennifer Slept Here opens with Joey in a panic.  His family is confused as to why Joey constantly appears to be talking to himself.  Both his bratty sister and his best friend have developed a habit of breaking into his room so that they can read his diary, which is full of his thoughts concerning Jennifer.  His father is concerned that Joey is having a breakdown.  His mother continues to insist that it’s just a phase.

And Joey thinks that they might be right.  He’s suddenly no longer 100% sure that Jennifer is real.  Maybe he is just seeing things.  Maybe he is losing his mind.  Maybe….

Maybe this doesn’t make any sense from a continuity point of view because it goes against everything that we’ve see over the past 12 episodes. Joey and Jennifer have been hanging out together for a very long time.  Jennifer has repeatedly helped Joey out.  On one occasion, Jennifer’s help even involved making herself visible to the other members of the householdJoey has watched Jennifer possess people in the houseJoey has experienced a fake exorcist putting Jennifer in a jar Joey has met other ghosts!  Just last week, his tutor turned out to be a ghost who had been sent to take Jennifer’s place.  Judging from the previous episodes, it would seem that Joey got over his doubts a long time ago and, for that matter, his family now seems to be used to him talking to himself.

I have a theory.  I have no proof for this theory.  This is based on my own gut feeling as someone who has watched and read about the production of a lot of old TV shows.  You’ll notice that this episode was not directed by the show’s usual director, John Bowab.  Instead, it was directed by Charles S. Dubin, who also directed the pilot.  Here’s my guess.  This episode was probably meant to air much earlier in the season.  It wouldn’t surprise me if maybe it was meant to be the second episode or if maybe the pilot was even originally meant to be an hour-long special, with this episode serving as the second half.  (I mean, the neurotic Joey in this episode has a lot more in common with the Joey of the pilot than the Joey of the rest of the series.)  For whatever reason, though, this episode did not air when it was originally meant to.  I’m going to guess this episode sat in limbo for a while and then the network decided to use it to close out the season, despite the fact that the previous episode felt more like a season finale than this one does.  That’s my theory, take it or leave it.

(Also, as support of this theory, I would point out that this episode features Jennifer telling Joey the story of how she died, which seems like something she would have mentioned when they were still getting to know each other.  Joey’s little sister appears to be significantly younger than she did in the previous few episodes.  And, finally, George is just as negative in his comments about Jennifer’s love life as he was in the pilot.  This was initially one of George’s least appealing traits and it was one that was largely abandoned about the first two episodes.)

As for the episode itself, Joey is desperate for Jennifer to prove to him that she’s real and not a figment of his imagination.  So, Jennifer tells Joey that, before she died, she sent a note to Joey’s father explaining that she hadn’t written a will.  That note is sitting in a vault in George’s office and no one has ever seen it.  Jennifer and Joey break into the vault and retrieve the letter.  Not only does this prove to Joey that Jennifer exists but it also gives Joey a chance to help out his father, who has been having to deal with all sorts of people coming out of the woodwork and claiming to be the beneficiary of Jennifer’s estate.  It also provides an excuse for the invisible Jennifer to humiliate a nosy security guard by dousing him in liquor and causing his pants to fall off.

If you can look past the continuity issues, this is actually a funny episode.  This show was always at its best when Jennifer was allowed to be mischievous force of chaos and that’s certainly the case here.  I will admit that I laughed when Joey ordered Jennifer to prove her existence by shaking the breakfast table, just for Jennifer to discover that shaking a table is not as easy as it looks.  Jennifer cracking the safe at the office was also amusing, mostly because Jennifer was obviously having a lot of fun committing a felony.  Of course, when the security guard does show up, Joey’s the one at risk for being arrested for a felony.

Overall, Jennifer Slept Here was not a bad show.  Having now watched all 13 episodes, I can say that this show may have been uneven but it had more hits than misses.  Though the supporting characters never really had much personality and the writers never seemed to set any definite rules as to what Jennifer could and couldn’t do as a ghost, the chemistry between Ann Jillian and John P. Navin, Jr. kept things lively and Jillian had a talent for delivering sardonic one-liners.  This show was cancelled after 13 episodes and that may be for the best because there’s only so many “safe-for-network-TV” storylines that a show about a ghost and a teenager can really explore.  Still, Jennifer Slept Here definitely had a lot of charm to it.

Next week …. I’ll be reviewing something else!  What will it be?  I have no idea but it will be something.  Check here next Thursday to find out what I found!

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Monsters 1.13 “Glim-Glim”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing Monsters, which aired in syndication from 1988 to 1991. The entire show is streaming on Tubi.

This week, humanity screws everything up.

Episode 1.13 “Glim-Glim”

(Dir by Peter Stein, originally aired on February 4th, 1989)

This is Glim-Glim.

Glim-Glim was flying his spaceship over Earth when he lost control and crash-landed in a small town in the Midwest.  Within a week of Glim-Glim’s arrival, almost everyone in the town was dead as the result of a terrible virus, a disease to which Glim-Glim had immunity but most humans did not.  Glim-Glim set up a force field around the town in order to keep the virus from escaping and killing any more humans.  Unfortunately, the force field can only stay powered for so long.  Setting himself up in the local library, Glim-Glim is doing research and looking for a cure.

The cure might be found in the blood of the only three townspeople who haven’t died, Carl (Brian Fitzpatrick), Carl’s unnamed friend (Mark Hofmaier), and the friend’s daughter, Amy (Jenna Van Oy).  The survivors have also set themselves up in the library.  Unfortunately, only Amy understands that Glim-Glim has come in peace and wants to save humanity.  Her father and Carl, on the other hand, are determined to track down Glim-Glim and destroy him.

Oh, humanity!  We really are our own worst enemy, aren’t we?  At least, that’s the theme of this week’s episode of Monsters, in which Carl and his friend are so determined to kill the invader that they don’t realize that they are risking the future of the entire human race.  While the rest of the world celebrates Christmas and has no idea that extinction is looming, Carl and Amy’s Dad stalk the one creature who can save the world.  Glim-Glim sadly writes in his journal that he won’t be able to live with himself if he’s responsible for wiping out the world’s population.  Only Amy understands that Glim-Glim is good but no one will listen to her because she’s young.

This episode had a definite Twilight Zone feel, with its message that the greatest threat to humanity comes not from outer space but instead from humanity itself.  That said, I can kind of understand why Carl and his friend are so quick to assume the worst about Glim-Glim.  They’ve just watched everyone they know die a horrible death and all they know is that it happened as the result of an alien visitor.  Because there’s a language barrier, there’s no way for Glim-Glim to explain himself and Carl assumes the worst because he’s just been through an extremely traumatic experience.  The episode ends on a dark note, one that practically begs for Rod Serling to pop up and remind us that a lesson learned too late is not much help.

Despite the fact that Glim-Glim looked kind of silly, this was an effective and atmospheric episode.  It was a bit heavy-handed but, with barely 22 minutes available to tell a story about an alien invasion and the possible destruction of the human race, that’s to be expected.  All extraterrestrials should be as kind-hearted as Glim-Glim.

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 3.23 “Another Time, Another Place/Doctor Who/Gopher’s Engagement”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, Maureen McCormick returns to The Love Boat!

Episode 3.23 “Another Time, Another Place/Doctor Who/Gopher’s Engagement”

(Dir by Allen Baron, originally aired on March 1st, 1980)

Mrs. Elliott (Audrey Meadows) boards this week’s cruise with a very specific mission in mind.  She wants to find a husband for her daughter, Celia (Maureen McCormick).  Mrs. Elliott, whose husband owns a good deal of stock in the cruise line, at first eyes Doctor Bricker as a possible suitor for her daughter, despite the fact that the doctor is considerably older than Celia and has been divorced multiple times.  However, Celia is far more charmed by Gopher, who asks Celia to dance when Julie points out how miserable Celia looks at the ship’s Charleston night.

Celia is charmed by Gopher and, when he accidentally gives her a ring that he’s been carrying around in his pocket, she assumes that he’s asking her to marry him.  (The ring was actually lost by another passenger and Gopher was just carrying it around until he could put it in the lost-and-found.)  Celia says yes and suddenly, Gopher is engaged!  Mrs. Elliott is not happy about this, as Gopher is only an assistant purser.  As for Gopher, he tries to get out of the engagement by having Isaac tell Celia that Gopher’s a drunk.  This only makes Celia even more determined to marry Gopher (so she can “save” him) and this also gets Gopher in trouble with the Captain who, as the show sometimes remembers, is a recovering alcoholic.

Fortunately, Isaac eventually tells Celia the truth about what’s going on.  Celia is surprisingly forgiving, returning the ring and announcing that she and Gopher will always be good friends.  Celia also finds the strength to tell her mother to let her live her own life.  Mrs. Elliott is okay with this, because she has another daughter who needs a husband and Doc is still single.

This was a storyline that depended too much on everyone involved acting like an idiot.  Those are my least favorite stories.  But, just as with last week, Fred Grandy got to show off his tragic clown qualities and Maureen McCormick was so convincing in her role that it was hard not to suspect that perhaps she related to a character who was tired to everyone assuming that they knew what was best for her and her life.

Speaking of storylines that required everyone to act like an idiot, this episode also featured Bert Parks as Dr. Michael Mervey, a noted sex therapist.  Dr. Mervey boards the ship under an assumed named and tells the Captain that he just wants to relax and not have anyone asking him for any help with their problems or asking him to autograph his book.  However, Evelyn Miller (Phyllis Davis) has heard a rumor that Dr. Mervey is on the boat so she boards with the intention of tracking him down and seducing him.

The only problem is that Evelyn doesn’t know what Dr. Mervey looks like.  (I find that hard to believe, considering how famous Dr. Mervey is supposed to be.)  When she hears Isaac refer to another passenger (Arte Johnson) as being a “doctor,” Evelyn assumes the passenger must be Dr. Mervey.  But instead, he’s just Wilfred Johnson (Arte Johnson), a nerdy nuclear physicist.  At first, Dr. Johnson pretends to be Dr. Mervey but when the real Dr. Mervey inevitably spots Evelyn and starts to hit on her, the truth comes out.  Evelyn dumps Wilfred.  Feeling guilty, Dr. Mervey tries to give them a therapy session.  Neither wants to listen to Dr. Mervey but they do still realize that they actually love each other.  Wilfred and Evelyn leave the cruise arm-in-arm and Mervey pats himself on the back for a job well-done.

Again, this plot was way too dependent on everyone acting like an idiot.  That said, Bert Parks made me laugh as the self-important Dr. Mervey.

Finally, Jane Wyman stars as Sister Patricia, a nun who is heading to Acapulco to be a teacher.  When she discovers that her ex-boyfriend, Steve Brian (Dennis Morgan), is on the cruise, she is forced to reconsider her decision.  In the end, she decides to follow her calling but she tells Steve that they’ll be reunited in another time and another place.  When Stubing comforts Steve, Steve replies that, “if” there’s a Heaven, they’ll be reunited.

Uhmm…. Steve, if there is a Heaven, it’s probably not full of agnostics.  Just saying.

Anyway, this was a simple story and I could tell where it was going to go from the first minute the Steve greeted Patricia on the boat but it worked because of the old school charm of Dennis Morgan and Jane Wyman.  These two Hollywood veterans knew just how to best embrace the melodrama.

Thanks to Wyman and Morgan, this was a pleasant cruise.  Hopefully, next week will be just as pleasant.

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Baywatch Nights 1.7 “Pressure Cooker”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Baywatch Nights, an detective show that ran in Syndication from 1995 to 1997.  The entire show is currently streaming on Youtube!

This week, Mitch, Ryan, and Lou are held hostage!

Episode 1.7 “Pressure Cooker”

(Dir by Gus Trikonis, originally aired on November 11, 1995)

Episode seven of Baywatch Nights opens with Mitch and Garner, once again, whining about their job.  They have been hired to work undercover in a fried chicken restaurant that has been robbed five times.  Garner wears a chicken costume and greets the customers.  Mitch works in the kitchen.  This is not the type of work that Mitch and Garner had in mind when they decided to become part-time private investigators.

In his opening voice over, Mitch says that sometimes, you have to do what you have to do to pay your bills.  Here’s the thing, though.  Mitch is a lifeguard.  He’s not just a lifeguard but he’s one of the top lifeguards in California.  So, no, he doesn’t need to work as a private eye to pay his bills.  I don’t care how much Mitch complains about the job.  I think he just secretly enjoys working as a cook in a fast food restaurant.  And good for him, if that’s the case!  Myself, I like fried chicken and I respect anyone who cooks it for a living.

Eventually, the scummy Sosa brothers show up at the restaurant and try to rob the place.  Garner and Mitch are able to stop the robbery but they only manage to capture one brother, Manny Sosa (Cliff Dorfman).  Duke (Joseph Spencer) and Nick Sosa (Rich Werner) escape.

Later, Duke and Nick show up at Nights, which is the nightclub that doubles as the office of the detective agency.  Because it’s the afternoon, Nights is not open to general public but that doesn’t stop Duke and Nick from taking Mitch, Ryan, and Lou Raymond (Lou Rawls) hostage.  (Lou is the owner of Nights.  Despite the fact that Lou Rawls was prominently featured in the opening credits of each episode, this is only his second appearance on the show.)  Duke demands that Manny be released from prison or he’s going to start shooting hostages!

While they wait out the situation, Lou plays the piano and sings a song while Duke dances with Ryan.  Meanwhile, Garner waits outside the club with the police and the press.  Eventually, reporter Stormy Walters (Sandra Dee Robinson) is invited to enter the club with her crew so that she can interview Duke and get some footage of him dancing with Ryan.  Garner puts on a fake beard and pretends to be Stormy’s sound guy.

As soon as Mitch sees Garner, he nudges Ryan and says, “It’s Garner!”  Even though Mitch whispers, it still seems like a reckless thing to point out when there’s two gun-toting maniacs in the club.  Fortunately, the Sosa brothers are pretty stupid so Mitch, Garner, and Ryan are able to give them a beat down.  Unfortunately, before the situation is resolved, both Lou and Garner are shot but, apparently, not seriously.

This episode …. eh.  As I’ve said elsewhere on this site, I am just not a fan of shows about hostage situations.  As soon as the Sosa brothers show up at the club, the narrative momentum comes to a grinding halt and all that’s left is 30 minutes of sweaty losers pointing guns at people and shouting.  It gets a little boring.  As well, the Sosas were so stupid that, even when they were shooting people, it was difficult to take them seriously as dangerous criminals.  They were just idiots.

Next week, we get the origin story as we learn how Mitch and Garner came to work with Ryan in the first place!

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 4.6 “With Affection, Jack the Ripper/Gigolo”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986.  Almost the entire show is currently streaming is on Youtube, Daily Motion, and a few other sites.

This week, Fantasy Island is full of gigolos and harlots!

Episode 4.6 “With Affection, Jack The Ripper/Gigolo”

(Dir by Michael Vejar, originally aired on November 29th, 1980)

“Here comes a real wimp!” Tattoo declares as Stanley Hocker (Ken Berry) stumbles off of the airplane.

Roarke rolls his eyes at Tattoo’s rudeness but then goes on to admit that most people would consider Stanley to be a bit of a wimp.  Stanley is shy and awkward and he wears dorky clothes and he’s never had much success with romance.  Stanley’s fantasy is to become a gigolo.

“Good luck!” Tattoo says.

Roarke doesn’t need luck when he can get just give Stanley a magical bracelet that once belonged to Don Juan.  As soon as the bracelet appears on Stanley’s wrist, Stanley is suddenly confident, cool, and much better dressed.

“I’m not a turkey anymore!” Stanley declares, “I’m a hunk!”

Soon, every woman on the Island is attracted to Stanley.  However, a trip to the Fantasy Island singles bar, leaves Stanley with a large bar tab.  It turns out that Roarke may have given Stanley the bracelet but he didn’t give him any extra money.  The bill is paid by another gigolo, Monty (Lyle Waggoner).  In return for his help, Monty requests that Stanley seduce the wealthy Jessie De Winter (Carolyn Jones) so that Monty can make a move on Jessie’s niece, Dina (Meredith McRae).

Of course, Stanley falls in love with Dina but she’s the only woman on the Island who is not impressed with his gigolo style.  Stanley finally agrees to remove the bracelet and sacrifice his fantasy so that he can approach Dina as his true self.

While this is going on, Jack the Ripper is stalking Fantasy Island!  Yikes!

It’s all the fault of Lorraine Peters (Lynda Day George).  Lorraine has developed a theory that Jack the Ripper was actually a surgeon named Dr. Albert Z. Fell (Victor Buono, rarely speaking but often dramatically rolling his eyes).  Lorraine’s fantasy is to go back to 1880s London to find proof of her theory.  Despite some reservations, Roarke gives Lorraine her fantasy.  Lorraine steps through a time door and finds herself in London.  She manages to find Dr. Fell’s office and a diary in which Fell has written about his hatred of “harlots.”  However, Dr. Fell also finds the time door, steps through it, and is soon on Fantasy Island!

Upon discovering that history’s most infamous murderer is now stalking the Island, Roarke sends Tattoo out to let everyone know that they need to stay inside.  Of all the people that Roarke could send, it’s interesting that Roarke selected the person least likely to survive if he was caught by Jack the Ripper.  Seriously, there are a lot of athletic guys on Fantasy Island and any one of them could have beaten up the rather portly and middle-aged Jack the Ripper.  Instead of asking one of them to look for the killer, Roarke sends Tattoo.  Even in a moment of crisis, Roarke is always looking for a way to get rid of his assitant.

Fortunately, Dr. Fell is too busy trying to kill Lorraine and her boyfriend, Robert (Alex Cord), to waste any time on Tattoo.  Dr. Fell chases Lorraine all across the island.  Lorraine leads Fell back through the time door and Fell is promptly run over by a carriage in London.  Lorraine returns to the present and tells Mr. Roarke that she’s decided not to reveal the truth about Dr. Fell because …. well, I don’t know why.

Despite some lapses in logic, the Jack the Ripper story was actually really entertaining.  There was nothing subtle about Victor Buono’s performance but it was still exactly what the story needed.  Lynda Day George was appearing in films like Pieces and Mortuary when she appeared in this episode and she puts that horror experience to good use.  The scenes in London were atmospheric and the idea of Jack the Ripper on Fantasy Island was intriguing, even if the episode didn’t do as much with the idea as it could have.  The superior Jack the Ripper fantasy and the silly but inoffensive gigolo fantasy combined to make this an enjoyable trip to Fantasy Island.

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: CHiPs 1.7 “Taking Its Toll”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing CHiPs, which ran on NBC from 1977 to 1983.  The entire show is currently streaming on Freevee!

This week, Jon Baker gives up a dream.

Episode 1.7 “Taking Its Toll”

(Dir by Georg Fenady, originally aired on November 3rd, 1977)

Inspired by his hero Joseph Wambaugh, Jon Baker is writing a book.  It’s a novel all about the crazy things that he has seen as a member of the California Highway Patrol.  Ponch is one of the main characters.  Of course, Baker is mostly focusing on all of the times that Ponch has screwed up.  On his writer’s board, Baker has cards that read, “Ponch Falls In Glue,” “Ponch Loses His Bike,” and “Ponch Rips His Pants.”  Ponch, when he discovers what Jon is doing, isn’t necessarily happy about being held up to ridicule but then Baker promises to portray Ponch as a hero, a modern-day Roman centurion who rides his bike like a horse into battle.

This episode provides Baker with plenty of material.  Two blonde surfer dudes are robbing people who are stopped at toll booths and then making their escape in stolen sports cars.  As well, a man crashes his car and, when the highway patrol investigates, they discover a bomb in the back seat!  The bomb squad is called but what about the innocent motorcyclist who is trapped underneath the car?  If the bomb blows up, not only will the motorcyclist be killed but so will Ponch, the officer who is trying to keep him calm.  (Don’t worry, the bomb doesn’t blow up.)  As well, when a truck carrying a bunch of onions has an accident, it leads to onions all over the road!  Ponch, Baker, Bear, and even Gatraer end up shedding some tears while directing traffic.

It sounds like it will make a great book but, unfortunately, Baker discovers that, as a cop, he’s not really allowed to freely write a book about his experiences.  Instead, he has to clear everything with the legal department and then ask permission before even trying to get the book published.  (As Gatraer explains it, the California Highway Patrol has to protect its image.)  To Ponch’s disappointment, Baker abandons the book and throws away his plot cards.  Fear not, though!  Ponch says he’s going to write his own book and even commandeers Baker’s typewriter to do so.

(Yes, a typewriter.  Seriously, I can’t imagine writing anything without having the ability to just highlight a paragraph and delete the entire thing without the click of a button.)

This was one of those day-in-the-life episodes that didn’t really add up to much.  Interestingly enough, the emphasis was often less on Baker and Ponch and more on the idea of the entire California police force — from the Highway Patrol to the Sheriff’s Department to the Bomb Squad — all working together to keep people safe.  The best part of the episode came early on with an exciting chase between Baker and the toll thieves.  For the most part, though, this episode just left me thinking about how an episode that featured Baker writing a book somehow still managed to largely focus on Ponch.  Watching this episode, I could understand why Larry Wilcox was reportedly not always happy with the direction of the show.  Even when its about Baker, CHiPs is still largely the Ponch Show.

Retro Television Reviews: Miami Vice 1.16 “Smuggler’s Blues”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing Miami Vice, which ran on NBC from 1984 to 1989.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, Crockett and Tubbs head down to Colombia and learn about the smuggler’s blues!

Episode 1.16 “Smuggler’s Blues”

(Dir by Paul Michael Glaser, originally aired on Feb. 1st, 1985)

Someone is blowing up drug dealers and their families in Miami.  Homicide Detective Jones (Ron Vawter) doesn’t know why anyone cares about a bunch of smugglers being killed but DEA Agent Ed Waters (a youngish Richard Jenkins) is concerned that a vigilante is on the loose.

If there is a vigilante on the loose, who could it be?  Well, we know that it’s not going to be any of our regular cast members, even if Castillo does seem to be kind of tightly wound.  So, that really leaves Jones and Waters as our only two suspects.  Looking over the notes that I trotted down for this episode, I see that I immediately said that Waters had to be the killer because, when the killer anonymously called the Department towards the end of the episode, I instantly recognized Richard Jenkins’s voice.  Of course, it turned out I was totally wrong.  Detective Jones turned out to be the killer and apparently, I have no idea what Richard Jenkins actually sounds like.

Anyway, before Detective Jones can be revealed as the murder, Crockett and Tubbs have to go to Colombia so that they can go undercover as dealers and purchase a large amount of cocaine.  The idea is that the vigilante will target either Crockett and Tubbs or they’ll go after Trudy, who is undercover as Tubbs’s wife.  Working on their own, Crockett and Tubbs recruit a pilot named Jimmy Cole (Glenn Frey) to fly them to Colombia.

Former Eagle Glenn Frey was specifically cast in this episode because the plot was largely based on a song that he had written, Smuggler’s Blues.  (The episode’s script was written by Miguel Pinero, who played Calderone earlier in the season.)  The song is played throughout the episode, the lyrics hammering home one of Miami Vice‘s key themes.  The war on drugs can never be won because there’s way too much money to be made in smuggling and selling.

It’s a good episode, one that features a likable guest turn from Glenn Frey and plenty of action.  When Crockett and Tubbs land in Colombia, they find themselves having to fight off both enforcers and cops.  Their only ally is Cole, a man who they would normally be expected to arrest,  (In a nicely acted scene, Tubbs and Cole bond over the fact that they both served in Vietnam.)  Back in the United States, Crockett, Tubbs, and Cole have to fight off a thief, played by Richard Edson.  And after all that, it’s still up to Tubbs and Crockett to save Trudy from being blown up in a trailer and this leads to wonderfully tense bomb disarming scene.  In the end, Crockett and Tubbs score a victory but we are left with little doubt that it will only be a temporary one.  That’s the politics of contraband, to quote both the song and the show.