The Eric Roberts Collection: Dawn (dir by Nicholas Ryan)


2022’s Dawn has a running time of 78 minutes.  Eric Roberts is in the film but unfortunately, his nameless character is killed off at the four minute mark.  It’s a bit of a pointless cameo, even by Eric Roberts’s standards.  If you’re going to get Eric Roberts in your film, do something more than just have him pathetically beg for his life.  Is it worth watching a 78-minute Eric Roberts film if you already know that Roberts is going to be in at least 74 of those minutes?

Eric Roberts’s character is killed by Dawn (Jackie Moore), a serial killer who drives around and pretends to be an Uber driver and who makes her victim play various games before killing them.  Dawn is a celebrity on the Dark Web.  It’s always funny to me how movies like this pretty much use the Dark Web as their go-to plot device.  If someone needs a motivation …. hey, Dark Web!  If a plot twist doesn’t make any sense, just say it’s somehow connected to the Dark Web or a Russian troll farm.  It’s not difficult.  Since the entire film is pretty much just Dawn tormenting a couple (played by Sarah French and Jared Cohn), it’s important that Dawn be such a charismatic and witty killer that we’re willing to put up with antisocial actions.  Unfortunately, as played by Moore, she’s just annoying.

Roberts is not the only celebrity to make an appearance as Dawn.  In one of the film’s few effective moments, Nicholas Brendon shows up as a man at a gas station who is a huge fan of Dawn’s and who wants her to murder him.  Later, Michael Pare shows up as a cop who pulls over the car.  How many times has Pare played a cop in movies like this?  He always seems to be pulling someone over.

Anyway, it didn’t take me long to get bored with this, despite the fact that both French and Cohn gave better performances than the film deserved.  There’s only so much that can be explained away by saying, “Dark Web.”

Previous Eric Roberts Films That We Have Reviewed:

  1. Star 80 (1983)
  2. Runaway Train (1985)
  3. Best of the Best (1989)
  4. Blood Red (1989)
  5. The Ambulance (1990)
  6. The Lost Capone (1990)
  7. Best of the Best II (1993)
  8. Love, Cheat, & Steal (1993)
  9. Voyage (1993)
  10. Love Is A Gun (1994)
  11. Sensation (1994)
  12. Dark Angel (1996)
  13. Doctor Who (1996)
  14. Most Wanted (1997)
  15. Mercy Streets (2000)
  16. Raptor (2001)
  17. Rough Air: Danger on Flight 534 (2001)
  18. Strange Frequency (2001)
  19. Wolves of Wall Street (2002)
  20. Border Blues (2004)
  21. Mr. Brightside (2004)
  22. Six: The Mark Unleased (2004)
  23. We Belong Together (2005)
  24. Hey You (2006)
  25. Depth Charge (2008)
  26. Amazing Racer (2009)
  27. In The Blink of an Eye (2009)
  28. Bed & Breakfast (2010)
  29. Enemies Among Us (2010)
  30. The Expendables (2010) 
  31. Sharktopus (2010)
  32. Beyond The Trophy (2012)
  33. The Dead Want Women (2012)
  34. Deadline (2012)
  35. The Mark (2012)
  36. Miss Atomic Bomb (2012)
  37. Assault on Wall Street (2013)
  38. Bonnie And Clyde: Justified (2013)
  39. Lovelace (2013)
  40. The Mark: Redemption (2013)
  41. The Perfect Summer (2013)
  42. Self-Storage (2013)
  43. A Talking Cat!?! (2013)
  44. This Is Our Time (2013)
  45. Bigfoot vs DB Cooper (2014)
  46. Doc Holliday’s Revenge (2014)
  47. Inherent Vice (2014)
  48. Road to the Open (2014)
  49. Rumors of War (2014)
  50. Amityville Death House (2015)
  51. Deadly Sanctuary (2015)
  52. A Fatal Obsession (2015)
  53. Las Vegas Story (2015)
  54. Stalked By My Doctor (2015)
  55. Enemy Within (2016)
  56. Hunting Season (2016)
  57. Joker’s Poltergeist (2016)
  58. Prayer Never Fails (2016)
  59. Stalked By My Doctor: The Return (2016)
  60. The Wrong Roommate (2016)
  61. Dark Image (2017)
  62. Black Wake (2018)
  63. Frank and Ava (2018)
  64. Stalked By My Doctor: Patient’s Revenge (2018)
  65. Clinton Island (2019)
  66. Monster Island (2019)
  67. The Reliant (2019)
  68. The Savant (2019)
  69. Seven Deadly Sins (2019)
  70. Stalked By My Doctor: A Sleepwalker’s Nightmare (2019)
  71. The Wrong Mommy (2019)
  72. Exodus of a Prodigal Son (2020)
  73. Free Lunch Express (2020)
  74. Her Deadly Groom (2020)
  75. Top Gunner (2020)
  76. Deadly Nightshade (2021)
  77. The Elevator (2021)
  78. Just What The Doctor Ordered (2021)
  79. Killer Advice (2021)
  80. Megaboa (2021)
  81. Night Night (2021)
  82. The Poltergeist Diaries (2021)
  83. The Rebels of PT-218 (2021)
  84. A Town Called Parable (2021)
  85. Bleach (2022)
  86. My Dinner With Eric (2022)
  87. 69 Parts (2022)
  88. D.C. Down (2023)
  89. Aftermath (2024)
  90. Bad Substitute (2024)
  91. Devil’s Knight (2024)
  92. The Wrong Life Coach (2024)
  93. When It Rains In L.A. (2025

The Eric Roberts Collection: Assault on Wall Street (dir by Uwe Boll)


2013’s Assault on Wall Street tells the story of Jim Braxford (Dominic Purcell), a security guard who loses all of his money due to some bad investments that he had no control over and whose wife, Rosie (Erin Karpluk), kills herself rather than continue her expensive medical treatments.  Jim snaps and, after listening to a bunch of angry people on MSNBC, he decides to take violent vengeance on Wall Street, targeting brokers and CEOs and ultimately launching an all-out assault on a firm owned by the cartoonishly evil Jeremy Stancroft (John Heard).

Full of anti-capitalist rhetoric and heavy-handed plot developments, Assault on Wall Street finds director Uwe Boll in a political mood.  Because the film deals with economic anxiety to which everyone can relate, this film is slightly more effective than Boll’s usual films but that still doesn’t mean that it’s particularly good.  It’s one of those films that takes forever to get where it’s going and the film also suffers due to Boll’s confounding decision to cast Dominic Purcell in the lead role.  The blank-eyed, flat-voice Purcell gives such a spectacularly dull performance that one wonders if he was constructed out of charisma anti-matter.  It doesn’t help that Purcell’s three best friends are played Edward Furlong, Michael Pare, and Keith David, all of whom come across like they would have been a better pick for the lead role.

The film ends with a spate of violence that I remember that I found to be a bit shocking when I first saw the film on cable in 2013.  Of course, today, such violence has been normalized and is often celebrated on social media.  I imagine that members of the creepy Luigi death cult would probably claim that Jim Braxford didn’t go far enough in his murder spree.

Two of my favorites, Eric Roberts and Lochlyn Munro, have supporting roles in this film.  Munro is Jim’s broker, who makes the mistake of complaining about how he had to cancel his planned vacation to Barbados as a result of the economic meltdown.  Roberts plays the lawyer who agrees to help Jim get justice but who ultimately proves to be no help at all.  Both of them are memorable in their small roles, which once again leaves us to wonder why, with all the talent available, Uwe Boll apparently decided to make Dominic Purcell his muse.  That was a bad investment.

Previous Eric Roberts Films That We Have Reviewed:

  1. Star 80 (1983)
  2. Runaway Train (1985)
  3. Blood Red (1989)
  4. The Ambulance (1990)
  5. The Lost Capone (1990)
  6. Love, Cheat, & Steal (1993)
  7. Voyage (1993)
  8. Love Is A Gun (1994)
  9. Sensation (1994)
  10. Dark Angel (1996)
  11. Doctor Who (1996)
  12. Most Wanted (1997)
  13. Mercy Streets (2000)
  14. Raptor (2001)
  15. Rough Air: Danger on Flight 534 (2001)
  16. Wolves of Wall Street (2002)
  17. Mr. Brightside (2004)
  18. Six: The Mark Unleased (2004)
  19. Hey You (2006)
  20. Amazing Racer (2009)
  21. In The Blink of an Eye (2009)
  22. Bed & Breakfast (2010)
  23. Enemies Among Us (2010)
  24. The Expendables (2010) 
  25. Sharktopus (2010)
  26. Beyond The Trophy (2012)
  27. The Dead Want Women (2012)
  28. Deadline (2012)
  29. The Mark (2012)
  30. Miss Atomic Bomb (2012)
  31. Bonnie And Clyde: Justified (2013)
  32. Lovelace (2013)
  33. The Mark: Redemption (2013)
  34. The Perfect Summer (2013)
  35. Self-Storage (2013)
  36. A Talking Cat!?! (2013)
  37. This Is Our Time (2013)
  38. Inherent Vice (2014)
  39. Road to the Open (2014)
  40. Rumors of War (2014)
  41. Amityville Death House (2015)
  42. Deadly Sanctuary (2015)
  43. A Fatal Obsession (2015)
  44. Las Vegas Story (2015)
  45. Stalked By My Doctor (2015)
  46. Enemy Within (2016)
  47. Joker’s Poltergeist (2016)
  48. Prayer Never Fails (2016)
  49. Stalked By My Doctor: The Return (2016)
  50. The Wrong Roommate (2016)
  51. Dark Image (2017)
  52. Black Wake (2018)
  53. Frank and Ava (2018)
  54. Stalked By My Doctor: Patient’s Revenge (2018)
  55. Clinton Island (2019)
  56. Monster Island (2019)
  57. The Reliant (2019)
  58. The Savant (2019)
  59. Seven Deadly Sins (2019)
  60. Stalked By My Doctor: A Sleepwalker’s Nightmare (2019)
  61. The Wrong Mommy (2019)
  62. Exodus of a Prodigal Son (2020)
  63. Free Lunch Express (2020)
  64. Her Deadly Groom (2020)
  65. Top Gunner (2020)
  66. Deadly Nightshade (2021)
  67. The Elevator (2021)
  68. Just What The Doctor Ordered (2021)
  69. Killer Advice (2021)
  70. Night Night (2021)
  71. The Poltergeist Diaries (2021)
  72. The Rebels of PT-218 (2021)
  73. A Town Called Parable (2021)
  74. Bleach (2022)
  75. My Dinner With Eric (2022)
  76. D.C. Down (2023)
  77. Aftermath (2024)
  78. Bad Substitute (2024)
  79. Devil’s Knight (2024)
  80. The Wrong Life Coach (2024)
  81. When It Rains In L.A. (2025

America is Sinking (2023, directed by Mario N. Bonassin)


“This place is about to get real wet!” Captain Pierce (Paul Logan) declares and he’s not kidding.

Remember how you always told yourself that you would do more to protect the environment and reduce your carbon footprint?  Well, you didn’t and now the glaciers are melting at a record pace and the extra water is loosening up all of the Earth’s plates.  We’re talking earthquakes and tsunamis!  Dog and cats living together!  Biblical proportions!  Florida and Washington are already underwater!  What can save the world?  Massive sinkholes!  But can the military and the scientists sink enough in two days to drain all the excess water?  And will the main scientist’s wife and daughter ever get their car to work before the floods come in?

America Is Sinking deserves an award for its title but the rest of the movie is all wet.  It’s low budget so there’s some cheap CGI and some stock footage but not enough to make us believe that America is actually sinking.  Watch it to discover whatever happened to Michael Pare.  (He ended up playing generals in movies like this.)  Former Secretary of Labor Robert Reich plays a Navy SEA.  I guess they’ll let anyone join now.

 

Lifetime Movie Review: The Wrong Life Coach (dir by David DeCoteau)


In 2024’s The Wrong Life Coach, Morgan Bradley stars as Jordan Roberts, whose popularity as a high school cheerleader did little to prepare her for the pressures of adult life.  Her career is going nowhere.  Her boss (Vivica A. Fox) does not respect her.  Her boyfriend (Hector David, Jr.) is bored with her and their vanilla sex life.  Her mother (Tracy Nelson) is living with her and trying to control her life.  Jordan needs someone to help her get her life together.  She needs a life coach!

(Personally, I’ve never gotten the whole life coach thing but whatever.  Apparently, it works for some people.)

A chance meeting with Liz Kimble (Allison McAtee) changes Jordan’s life.  Though Jordan doesn’t really remember her, she and Liz went to high school together.  And it turns out that Liz is now a life coach!  Soon, Liz is encouraging Jordan to take sexy pictures, demand more from her career, and to stand up to her domineering mother!

At first, it all seems perfect.  Except …. Liz is not a certified life coach!  She’s just repeating a bunch of stuff that she heard from her own life coach, Rhonda (Meredith Thomas).  It may sound like the start of a hilarious comedy but it turns out that Liz is a little bit crazy.  Liz has never gotten over losing her spot on the cheerleading squad to Jordan and now, she’s determined to get revenge,

In quick order, Jordan loses her job, her relationship with her mother, and nearly her boyfriend as well!  Plus, her best friend has gone missing!  After Jordan tells Liz to get lost, Liz begins to obsessively stalk Jordan.  What Jordan doesn’t know is that Liz has placed hidden cameras all over her house and she’s even hacked into Jordan’s email.  Jordan thinks that she’s had a good job interview with Mr. Gordon. (Hey, it’s Eric Roberts!)  But remember those lingerie-clad photos that Liz encouraged Jordan to send to her boyfriend?  Well, those pictures end up getting sent to Mr. Gordon as well.

“I couldn’t hire you if I wanted to,” Mr. Gordon says.  When even Eric Roberts refuses to work with you, you know you’ve asked the wrong person for advice!

“Girl, you listened the wrong life coach.”

She sure did!

I love the Lifetime “Wrong” films.  The Wrong Life Coach is a tremendous amount of fun, from Allison McAtee’s over-the-top performance as Liz to the side-eye that Vivica A. Fox gives Jordan every time she makes a mistake.  As always, with the “Wrong” films, director David DeCoteau fully embraces the melodrama and creates a film that’s so ludicrous that you can’t help but love it.  Any director could make a film about a crazy life coach.  But only David DeCoteau has the courage to have that life coach make her diabolical plans while wearing her old high school cheerleader uniform.

Watching this film reminded me of how much I love Lifetime and its demented films.  I look forward to reviewing a lot more of them in 2025!

Hopefully, more than a few of them will feature Eric Roberts!

Previous Eric Roberts Films That We Have Reviewed:

  1. Star 80 (1983)
  2. Blood Red (1989)
  3. The Ambulance (1990)
  4. The Lost Capone (1990)
  5. Love, Cheat, & Steal (1993)
  6. Love Is A Gun (1994)
  7. Sensation (1994)
  8. Dark Angel (1996)
  9. Doctor Who (1996)
  10. Most Wanted (1997)
  11. Wolves of Wall Street (2002)
  12. Mr. Brightside (2004)
  13. Six: The Mark Unleased (2004)
  14. Hey You (2006)
  15. In The Blink of an Eye (2009)
  16. Enemies Among Us (2010)
  17. The Expendables (2010) 
  18. Sharktopus (2010)
  19. The Dead Want Women (2012)
  20. Deadline (2012)
  21. The Mark (2012)
  22. Miss Atomic Bomb (2012)
  23. Lovelace (2013)
  24. The Mark: Redemption (2013)
  25. Self-Storage (2013)
  26. This Is Our Time (2013)
  27. Inherent Vice (2014)
  28. Road to the Open (2014)
  29. Rumors of War (2014)
  30. Amityville Death House (2015)
  31. A Fatal Obsession (2015)
  32. Stalked By My Doctor (2015)
  33. Enemy Within (2016)
  34. Joker’s Poltergeist (2016)
  35. Prayer Never Fails (2016)
  36. Stalked By My Doctor: The Return (2016)
  37. The Wrong Roommate (2016)
  38. Dark Image (2017)
  39. Black Wake (2018)
  40. Stalked By My Doctor: Patient’s Revenge (2018)
  41. Clinton Island (2019)
  42. Monster Island (2019)
  43. The Savant (2019)
  44. Seven Deadly Sins (2019)
  45. Stalked By My Doctor: A Sleepwalker’s Nightmare (2019)
  46. The Wrong Mommy (2019)
  47. Exodus of a Prodigal Son (2020)
  48. Free Lunch Express (2020)
  49. Her Deadly Groom (2020)
  50. Top Gunner (2020)
  51. Deadly Nightshade (2021)
  52. Just What The Doctor Ordered (2021)
  53. Killer Advice (2021)
  54. The Poltergeist Diaries (2021)
  55. The Rebels of PT-218 (2021)
  56. A Town Called Parable (2021)
  57. Bleach (2022)
  58. My Dinner With Eric (2022)
  59. Aftermath (2024)

BloodRayne (2005, directed by Uwe Boll)


In 18th century Romania, Rayne (Kristanna Loken) is a vampire/human hybrid who is being forced to work in a freakshow by Leonid (Meat Loaf).  After Rayne escapes, she meets a fortune teller (Geraldine Chaplin) who informs her that her father is the feared king of the vampires, Kagan (Ben Kingsley), and that he raped her mother.  Rayne teams up with a group of vampire hunters (Matthew Davis, Michelle Rodriguez, and Michael Madsen) and sets out to destroy her father once and for all.

BloodRayne is perhaps not the worst film ever made about a vampire/human hybrid in Romania but it’s also nowhere near the best.  Instead, it’s another one of Uwe Boll’s cheap-looking video game adaptations where a group of talented actors slum it as action stars.  (Michael Pare, Udo Kier, and Billy Zane also appear in the movie.)  The movie is full of bad wigs and big swords.  Michael Madsen and Michelle Rodriguez are neither convincing as Russians or people who lived in the 18th Century.  Geraldine Chaplin tries to keep things interesting,  Ben Kingsley doesn’t.  Kristanna Loken is actually a good choice for Rayne, in that she’s hot and she’s convincing in the action scenes.  This is an easy film to laugh at but it features enough blood and nudity to keep its target audience happy.  Don’t try to follow the plot, though.  You’ll get a headache.

While we were watching the movie last night, Lisa suggested that Ben Kingsley was using his Gandhi Oscar as a stake.  Now that would have been something worth seeing!

The Films of 2024: Scars (dir by Shaun Kosta)


A young man named Eric (Allen Williamson) enlists as a combat medic and is sent to Afghanistan.  Eric truly thinks that he’s going to help to make the world a better place but, what he sees and experiences in Afghanistan, leaves him shaken and haunted by memories of the dead and wounded.

Upon returning home, Eric tries to keep himself busy helping his family’s winery recover from the latest round of California wildfires but he still finds himself tormented by his experiences.  Suffering from PTSD, Eric discovers that his country is more than willing to send young men overseas to fight but it’s less willing to provide them with the support that they need when they return.  With the help of his mother (Elizabeth Gast), his girlfriend (Cayla Black), and a fellow veteran (Stephen Wesley Green), Eric tries to find his place in the world.

Scars is an undeniably low-budget film.  If you’re looking for a war film that is full of epic battle scenes and which will leave you feeling as if you actually are in the middle of Afghanistan, Scars is not the film to go with.  Indeed, it took me a while to realize that Eric was in Afghanistan because Afghanistan looked exactly like California.  As well, towards the end of the film, there’s a few moments of clumsy melodrama that feel as if they were added solely so that this rather talky film could be sold as a thriller.

But you know what?  In the end, those flaws don’t matter.  Scars is a heartfelt film, featuring an excellent lead performance from Allen Williamson, playing a man who is burdened by guilt but who never lets go of hope.  Scars is a film about the pain that people carry with them and the struggle that men like Eric have when it comes to opening up about that pain.  (Not all of the scars in the film are physical.)  It’s an indictment of a society that, far too often, pushes the needs of veterans to the side.  That’s especially true if that veteran served in an unpopular war, like the ones in Vietnam, Iraq, and Afghanistan.  Considering that we still don’t know how many people were left behind when we left Afghanistan, Scars is a film that feels all too relevant.

And yes, Eric Roberts is in Scars.  Playing a sympathetic doctor, he has about a minute of screentime towards the end of the film.  It’s always a good idea to put your Eric Roberts cameo at the end of your movie, just to make sure that audiences stick around for the entire film.

Previous Eric Roberts Films That We Have Reviewed:

  1. Star 80 (1983)
  2. Blood Red (1989)
  3. The Ambulance (1990)
  4. The Lost Capone (1990)
  5. Love, Cheat, & Steal (1993)
  6. Love Is A Gun (1994)
  7. Sensation (1994)
  8. Dark Angel (1996)
  9. Doctor Who (1996)
  10. Most Wanted (1997)
  11. Mr. Brightside (2004)
  12. Six: The Mark Unleased (2004)
  13. Hey You (2006)
  14. In The Blink of an Eye (2009)
  15. Enemies Among Us (2010)
  16. The Expendables (2010) 
  17. Sharktopus (2010)
  18. The Dead Want Women (2012)
  19. Deadline (2012)
  20. The Mark (2012)
  21. Miss Atomic Bomb (2012)
  22. Lovelace (2013)
  23. The Mark: Redemption (2013)
  24. Self-Storage (2013)
  25. This Is Our Time (2013)
  26. Inherent Vice (2014)
  27. Road to the Open (2014)
  28. Rumors of War (2014)
  29. Amityville Death House (2015)
  30. A Fatal Obsession (2015)
  31. Stalked By My Doctor (2015)
  32. Joker’s Poltergeist (2016)
  33. Prayer Never Fails (2016)
  34. Stalked By My Doctor: The Return (2016)
  35. The Wrong Roommate (2016)
  36. Dark Image (2017)
  37. Black Wake (2018)
  38. Stalked By My Doctor: Patient’s Revenge (2018)
  39. Clinton Island (2019)
  40. Monster Island (2019)
  41. The Savant (2019)
  42. Seven Deadly Sins (2019)
  43. Stalked By My Doctor: A Sleepwalker’s Nightmare (2019)
  44. The Wrong Mommy (2019)
  45. Exodus of a Prodigal Son (2020)
  46. Free Lunch Express (2020)
  47. Her Deadly Groom (2020)
  48. Top Gunner (2020)
  49. Deadly Nightshade (2021)
  50. Just What The Doctor Ordered (2021)
  51. Killer Advice (2021)
  52. The Poltergeist Diaries (2021)
  53. The Rebels of PT 218 (2021)
  54. A Town Called Parable (2021)
  55. Bleach (2022)
  56. My Dinner With Eric (2022)
  57. Aftermath (2024)

The Films of 2024: Wanted Man (dir by Dolph Lundgren)


Johansen (Dolph Lundgren) is a San Diego cop who remains on the force despite the fact that most of his old friends and former partners have retired.  When he’s filmed beating up a Mexican man on the highway, he becomes the latest target of the Defund The Police movement.  It doesn’t matter that the man was a human trafficker who was driving truck full of kidnapped women.  Johansen has become an embarrassment.

Normally, you would think this would lead to Johansen being fired or, at the very least, suspended.  Instead, his bosses decide to send him to Mexico to escort two prisoners back to the United States.  Rosa (Christina Villa) and Leticia (Daniela Soto-Brenner) are two sex workers who witnessed the murder of a group of DEA agents.  Their testimony could be key to identifying the killers.  Despite his friend and former partner, Brynner (Kelsey Grammer), telling him that he should just retire rather than allow the police department to continually push him around, Johansen heads down to Mexico.

It turns out that bringing the women back to the United States is not going to be easy.  A roadside ambush leaves Leticia dead and Johansen severely wounded.  Though Rosa’s initial instinct is to abandon Johansen in the desert, she eventually takes him to the home of her cousin, a police officer named Miguel (Rocko Reyes).  As Johansen recovers, he discovers that the people who want Rosa dead are not going to give up and that he cannot trust anyone.

Let’s give some credit where credit is due.  Dolph Lundgren knows how to direct an efficient B-movie.  He has an adequate visual eye, he makes good use of the arid desert setting, and he gets believable performances out of the majority of his cast.  Christina Villa especially does a good job as the tough but ultimately kind-hearted Rosa.  The movie has a bit more going on underneath the surface than the typical B-action film.  Johansen is forced to reconsider his own prejudices while the film’s villains argue that they were forced into their actions by a society that refuses to take care of those who are expected to risk their lives to protect the status quo.  It’s not a dumb movie, though it does feature a lot of characters doing rather dumb things and the big twist demands that the viewer accept one too many coincidences.

Lundgren not only directed but co-wrote the script.  Apparently, he first came up with the idea of the film in 2006.  Interestingly, it’s obvious that the film went into production when Defund The Police was still a strong and powerful political movement and the film itself ultimately suggests that the police should be, if not defunded, at least massively reformed.  Of course, by the time the film was released in January, the Defund movement was considerably less powerful and was being blamed for the sharp increase in crime across the nation.  Chants of “Defund the police” have been replaced by cries of “Fund the police, for the love of God!”  That’s the danger which trying to make a film with a political subtext in an age with a 24-hour news cycle.  What was popular when a film goes into production will often be a spent force by the time the film actually gets released.

As for Wanted Man, it’s an efficient B-movie that gets the job done.  If nothing else, the sight of Dolph Lundgren and Kelsey Grammer playing best friends is just weird enough to keep things watchable.

The TSL’s Grindhouse: World Gone Wild (dir by Lee H. Katzin)


“World Gone Wild!?  What’s that about?”

Don’t ask me.  I just watched the movie and I’m not particularly sure what the point of it all was.  Released in 1987, World Gone Wild is one of those films that was made to capitalize on the post-apocalypse boom of the 70s and 80s.  Basically, imagine a Mad Max film that sucks and you’ll have a pretty good idea of what World Gone Wild is like.

There’s been a nuclear war.  Civilization has collapsed and now, there are just tiny outposts of humanity who are trying to survive.  It hasn’t rained in decades.  Old-timer Ethan (Bruce Dern) is in charge of a town called Lost Wells.  He remembers what rain was like and he also remembers what rock music used to sound like, too.  As for Lost Wells, it’s one of those dreary little desert communities that always tend to pop up in movies like this.  Angie (Catherine Mary Stewart) teaches the community’s children in an abandoned school bus.  They have a bunch of books on etiquette.  One little girl can recite every word ever written by Emily Post.  That gets annoying fast.  Emily Post didn’t live on a school bus in the desert.

That etiquette doesn’t do much good when it comes to protecting Lost Wells from Derek Abernathy (Adam Ant), a cult leader who dresses in all-white and who wants to take control of Lost Wells away from Ethan.  (In a somewhat clever twist, it turns out that Ethan learned how to become a cult leader by reading a book about Charles Manson.)  Knowing that the majority of the people in his town are too obsessed with Emily Post to fight off Derek and his army, Ethan recruits a group of mercenaries led by George Landon ( who is played by Michael Pare, who looks like he was absolutely miserable while shooting this movie).  George and his men agree to protect Lost Wells from Derek and, in the process, they regain some of their lost humanity and they start to believe in the possibility of rain.  Or something like that.  Fortunately, one of George’s mercenaries is played by the supercool character actor Anthony James.  He doesn’t get to do much but hey, it’s still Anthony James and Bruce Dern in the same movie!  Yay!

For a film called World Gone Wild, this is a strangely low-key affair.  Even the most unimpressive of Mad Max rip-offs will usually have an exciting car chase or two.  At the very least, there’s usually a big battle where people sacrifice their lives for the future of humanity.  In World Gone Wild, the mercenaries pretty much just go to Lost Wells and then wait for Derek to come back.  And when Derek returns, there’s a few explosions and some gunfire but that’s pretty much it.  Neither side really puts up much of a fight, which leads me to wonder if Derek really even cared about Lost Wells.

On the plus side, the film has got Bruce Dern, doing his wild-eyed old-timer bit.  That’s always fun to watch and, if nothing else, Dern appears to be having fun in this movie.  At the very least, he’s having more fun that Michael Pare and Catherine Mary Stewart, both of whom seem to spend the majority of the movie looking for a way to make a quick escape.  And I suppose the film does win some novelty points for casting Adam Ant as the main villain, even though Derek ultimately turns out to be not much of a threat.

In the end, World Gone Wild‘s greatest strength is Bruce Dern.  He’ll make you believe in the rain again.

Space Rage (1985, directed by Conrad E. Palmisano)


Space Rage is a mix of science fiction and the old west.

In what the movie insists is the far future, a sadistic and notorious criminal named Grange (Michael Pare) is a captured after robbing the Bank of the Moon. As his punishment, he’s sent to a prison planet called Botany Bay. Despite the name, the entire prison is a desert. (Maybe they named it after the doomed colony from Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan.) The prison is run by Gov. Tovah (William Windom), who uses the prisoners as slave labor in his mines. Grange doesn’t want to work as a miner so he plots his escape. There’s only one shuttle that goes from Botany Bay to Earth and Grange plans to be in control of it.

Two men are determined to stop Grange and his partners from escaping the planet. Walker (John Laughlin) is a young bounty hunter who is haunted by he death of his wife. The Colonel (Richard Farnsworth) is a former policeman who is haunted by nightmares of his time on Earth. Working together, the inexperienced Walker and the crusty, old Colonel try to thwart Grange’s plans.  Grange has an itchy trigger finger and is willing to kill anyone to get what he wants.  Grange may be quick on the draw but the Colonel might be even quicker.

Space Rage starts out as a western before becoming a prison film before then concluding as a Mad Max rip-off, with everyone chasing each other through the desert in intergalactic dune buggies.  The movie is only 75 minutes long but due to a repetitive soundtrack and some less than inspired dialogue, it often feels longer. The Botany Bay is too obviously Southern California to be an effective setting and neither Michael Pare nor John Laughlin seem to be invested in their roles. Not surprisingly, the film’s greatest strength is Richard Farnsworth, playing another no-nonsense veteran tough guy and doing what a man has to do to keep Earth safe.  His presence alone does not make Space Rage worth watching but it definitely helps.  It’s a good thing he was out there looking out for us.

Cinemax Friday: The Last Hour (1991, directed by William Sachs)


Because Eric (William Sachs) is a wealthy stockbroker who has just stolen five million dollars from the mafia, mob boss Lombardi (Bobby Di Cicco) sends a group of his enforcers to get both Eric and the moeny.  However, when they arrive at Eric’s home, they discover that he’s not there but his wife, Susan (Shannon Tweed), is!  After they kidnap Susan, they take her to an abandoned skyscraper and they wait for Eric to show up with the money.  However, Susan’s ex-husband, Jeff (Michael Pare), is a tough cop who is not going to let anyone get away with holding his ex-wife hostage.  After reluctantly teaming up with Eric, Jeff infiltrates the skyscraper and takes on the kidnappers, one-by-one.

What do we have with this movie?  We’ve got an abandoned skyscraper.  We’ve got a group of flamboyant hostage takers.  We’ve got a beautiful woman being held prisoner.  We’ve got a hero who is a tough cop and who loses his shirt early in the movie.  You probably think this is a Die Hard rip-off but consider this!  In Die Hard, the main bad guy was a European terrorist.  In The Last Hour, he’s an American mafioso.  Otherwise, this is totally a Die Hard rip-off.  It’s Die Hard with a much lower budget and with a wooden Michael Pare serving as an unconvincing stand-in for Bruce Willis.

However, The Last Hour does have two things that Die Hard could have used.  First off, it’s got Danny Trejo as one of the hostage takers.  Any movie with Danny Trejo is going to automatically be cooler than any movie without Danny Trejo.  Of course, this movie asks us to pretend that Michael Pare vs Danny Trejo would be a fair fight but we all know that, in the real world, Danny would totally win that battle.  The other thing that this movie has that Die Hard doesn’t is Shannon Tweed.  Shannon doesn’t get to do a lot.  If you want to see a Die Hard rip-off where Shannon really gets to show what she can do, watch No Contest.  Still, just as with Danny Trejo, any film with Shannon Tweed is automatically better than any film without her.

The Last Hour is no Die Hard, no matter how much it tries.  But if brings together Danny Trejo and Shannon Tweed and for that, late night Cinemax viewers everywhere give thanks.