The TSL Horror Grindhouse: The Fifth Floor (dir by Howard Avedis)


In 1977’s The Fifth Floor, Dianne Hull plays Kelly McIntyre.

Kelly is a college student by day and a disco dancer by night!  Unfortunately, after someone spikes her drink at the discotheque and she suffers an overdose, she becomes a full-time patient at a mental asylum.  Neither the head doctor (Mel Ferrer) nor the head nurse (Julia Adams, who once swam with The Creature From The Black Lagoon)  believes her claim that her drink was spiked.  Judged to be suicidal and delusional, Kelly is sent to the Fifth Floor!

While her boyfriend (John David Carson) tries to convince the authorities that she’s not insane, Kelly adjusts to life on the Fifth Floor.  She befriend Cathy (Patti D’Arbanville).  She encourages her fellow patients to dance and enjoy themselves.  She tries to escape on multiple occasions.  She draws the unwanted attention of a male orderly named Carl (Bo Hopkins, giving a wonderfully sinister performance).  A sadist equipped with down-home country charm, Carl has got all of his co-workers convinced that he’s a great guy.  The patients, though, know that Carl is a petty authoritarian who enjoys showing off his power.  (“I’m just doing my job,” is the excuse whenever he’s challenged.)  Carl takes an obsessive interest in Kelly and soon, Kelly is not only trying to get her life back but also trying to escape from Carl’s cruel intentions.

Most film directories list The Fifth Floor as being a horror film and certainly, there are elements of the horror genre to be found in the film.  The smooth-talking and nonchalantly cruel Carl is certainly a horrific character and Kelly’s attempts to escape from the asylum capture the very primal fear of not having any control over one’s life.  That said, The Fifth Floor owes greater debt to One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest than to the typical slasher film.  Kelly is a rebel who brings the patients in the ward together.  Much as in Cuckoo’s Nest, the nurses and the orderlies use the threat of electro-shock treatment to keep the patients under control.

It’s not a bad film, though it definitely has its slow spots and I do wish the film had embraced its own sordidness with a bit more style.  I’m a history nerd so I appreciated the fact that The Fifth Floor was so obviously a product of its time.  Any film that features the heroine showing off her disco moves before being taken to a mental hospital is going to hold my interest.  That said, the most interesting thing about the film are some of the familiar faces in the cast.  For instance, Earl Boen — who played so many authority figures over the course of his career and appeared as a psychiatrist in the early Terminator films — plays a patient who wears a NASA jacket.  The always intimidating Anthony James plays the most violent patient.  Michael Berryman and Tracey Walter appear as background patients.

And then you’ve got Robert Englund, cast here as Benny.  Benny is the most gentle of the patients, a prankster who befriends Kelly.  It’s always so interesting to see the type of roles that Englund played before he was cast as Freddy Krueger in A Nightmare On Elm Street.  In this film, Englund is so goofy and friendly that you actually find yourself worrying about something happening to him.  Englund’s role is small but his amiable nerdiness definitely makes an impression.

The Fifth Floor opens and ends with a title card telling us that the film is based on a true story.  Sure, it was.

Late Night Retro Television Review: CHiPs 2.1 “Peaks and Valleys”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing CHiPs, which ran on NBC from 1977 to 1983.  The entire show is currently streaming on Freevee!

This week, the second season begins.

Episode 2.1 “Peaks and Valleys”

(Dir by Phil Bondelli, originally aired on Sept. 16th, 1977)

The second season premiere of CHiPs brings some changes.

Most noticeably, the theme song has been redone and now, instead of being driven by the horn section, it now features a bass-driven disco beat.  From the minute the new version of theme song begin, you know that you’re watching a show that was filmed in the heart of the 70s.

Secondly, the second season premiere is considerably less gritty than any of the episodes that aired during the first season.  If the first season concerned itself with showing the day-to-day duties of the members of the California Highway Patrol, from the mundane to the occasionally exciting, the second season announces from the start that it’s about fast cars, fast motorcycles, and slow motion crash footage.

Ponch is considerably more competent in this episode than he ever was during the first season.  For his part, Getraer no longer seems to dislike Ponch as much as he did just a few months ago.  No mention is made of Ponch being on any sort of departmental probation.  Now, Ponch is as professional and competent as Jon Baker.

Finally, the California High Patrol now has a new chief mechanic.  Harlan Arliss (played by Lou Wagner) is short, sarcastic, and wears a tie along with his white mechanic coat.  Arliss is not impressed with the way Baker and Ponch treat their motorcycles, though he seems to reserve most of his ire for Baker.  (“Your tire pressure is low!”)  Arliss may seem like he is overly critical but he also keeps a really cute dog at the garage.

That said, some things remain the same.  As always, Baker finds himself feeling unappreciated.  The episode opens with a camper the crashes in slow motion.  The driver, Bob Niles (a bearded Troy Donahue), suffers a spinal injury as the result of someone moving him after the accident.  Niles can’t remember exactly who moved him and it appears that Baker, Ponch, and the Highway Patrol might get sued.

Then Baker burns his hand saving a man from a burning vehicle.  And a little child shoots a toy gun at Baker.  And then two rednecks call in a fake emergency so that they can shoot up a police car.  Is it any surprise that both Baker and Ponch are tempted to quit the force and take a job selling used cars for Baker’s high school friend, Stan Bosca (Richard Gates)?

Fortunately, Bob does get his memory back and remember that it was a bunch of construction workers who moved him.  So, it sucks for those well-intentioned workers (hello, lawsuit!) but at least Baker and Ponch are off the hook.  And, after seeing how sleazy the used car business is, Baker and Ponch decide to remain on the force and go disco dancing instead!

Actually, Ponch dances.  Baker watches and smile awkwardly.  It’s interesting that the majority of the episode is centered around Baker having an existential crisis but it all ends by highlighting Ponch on the dance floor. If nothing else, it proves that the people behind the show understood that Wilcox was the actor while Estrada was the one with the big personality.

I enjoyed this episode.  The scenery was nice.  The show made good use of slo mo of doom when Niles crashed his vehicle.  The dog was cute.  And the opening theme song was so catchy that I’m still hearing it hours after watching the show.  With this episode, the second season got off to a good start.

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 4.13 “The Man From Yesterday/World’s Most Desirable Woman”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984.  Almost the entire show is currently streaming on Daily Motion.

This week, the Island is full of damn liars.

Episode 4.13 “The Man From Yesterday/World’s Most Desirable Woman”

(Dir by Robert C. Thompson, originally aired on January 31st, 1981)

Bill Keating (Martin Milner) is a photojournalist who has reported from some of the most war-torn areas of the world.  He has spent years searching for a notorious mercenary named Calvin Doyle (Dennis Cole) and he believes that he has finally tracked Doyle down to Fantasy Island.  Bill swears to Mr. Roarke that his fantasy is to only do an interview with Doyle.

Of course, Bill’s lying.  Once Bill tracks down Doyle and discovers that Doyle has not only renounced his previous ways but is also the foster father of three native children, Bill reveals that his true fantasy is to shoot Doyle and get revenge for all the terrible things that Doyle did during his former life.

Marsha (Barbi Benton) is a frumpy, 39 year-old woman who says that she just wants to know what it’s like to be young and beautiful for a weekend.  Maybe she could even enter and win The World’s Most Desirable Woman pageant that’s being held on Fantasy Island.  Mr. Roarke and Tattoo take Marsha to the Island’s fountain of youth.  Marsha enters the fountain as a 39 year-old wearing a modest one-piece bathing suit.  She steps out of the fountain as a 21 year-old wearing a bikini.

Of course, Marsha isn’t being totally honest about her motives.  She is married to Hal Garnett (Bert Convy), the owner of Erotic Magazine and the sponsor of the pageant!  Her fantasy is to get revenge on Hal for all the years in which he’s neglected her for the younger women who appear in his magazine.

Two fantasies, two liars.  Mr. Roarke is fairly busy this week, showing up frequently in both fantasies (and even singing at the Most Desirable Woman pageant).  Mr. Roarke warns Marsha that she is getting too caught up in her newdound beauty.  Mr. Roarke also warns Calvin that Bill Keating wants to kill him.  Roarke allows Keating to take his shot at Calvin but he also arranges for the confrontation to happen on a rickety bridge so that the wounded Calvin can escape into the water below.  It’s interesting to see Roarke getting involved for once and Ricardo Montalban knew exactly how to deliver the character’s occasionally ominous lines.  Still, you have to wonder why he let these two liars on the Island on the first place.  Usually, he has pretty firm rules about stuff like this.  What if the bridge hadn’t broken and Doyle had died?  Mr. Roarke would look pretty dumb.

Fortunately, it all works out.  Having faked his own death, Doyle is able to leave the Island with his children.  And Marsha is informed that she will not go back to being 39 at the end of the weekend but will instead remain 21 and just age naturally.  Hal freaks out, realizing that men are going to be chasing his wife.  Roarke tells him that he better be good to her.

(Of course, Tattoo later takes a picture of Marsha and is shocked to see that picture is of the old Marsha, suggesting that the young Marsha is just an illusion that only Marsha, Hal, and I guess Tattoo can see.  It’s weird.)

Barbi Benton and Dennis Cole were regular guests to Fantasy Island and they both do well with their roles.  All of the lying felt a bit out-of-place for this show but at least Roarke got to be an active force in both fantasies.  All in all, this was a good trip to the Island.