Horror Film Review: Troll (dir by John Carl Buechler)

Posted on October 9, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

The 1986 film, Troll, opens with Harry Potter moving into a San Francisco townhouse.

Okay, it’s not that Harry Potter. Troll was produced long before the first Harry Potter book was even published so it’s fair to assume that it’s just a coincidence that this film — about trolls, magic, and faeries — just happens to feature not just one but two characters named Harry Potter. Harry Potter, Sr. (Michael Moriarty) is a typical, dorky father figure. Indeed, he’s such a conventional figure that it’s a bit hard to understand why the always neurotic Michael Moriarty was cast in the role. Harry’s son is named Harry Potter, Jr. (Noah Hathaway). Harry, Jr. is a teenager who is shocked by how bratty his little sister, Wendy (Jenny Beck), becomes after the family moves into their new apartment.

Why is Wendy acting like such a brat? It’s because Wendy has been kidnapped by Torok the Troll (Phil Fondacaro), a grotesque creature who not only abducts Wendy but also steals her appearance so that he can safely move around the world of the humans. Torok, himself, was once a powerful wizard but, centuries ago, he and an army of faeries tried to destroy all the humans in the world. Their plan didn’t work and, as punishment, Torok was turned into a troll.

But now, somehow, Torok is free and he’s taking over the apartment building. One by one, he tracks down each tenant and casts a spell which turns them into a mythological creature, like a gnome or a wood nymph. All of the apartments turns into lushly overgrown forests. Among those tenants that get transformed are Sonny Bono and a young Julia Louis-Dreyfus. I have a feeling that, when Sonny later ran for Congress, he did not include his appearance in Troll in any of his campaign literature. As for Louis-Dreyfus, she was reportedly angered once when a talk show host (I think it was Jay Leno) showed footage from this film while interviewing her. It’s not so much that Julia Louis-Dreyfus isn’t a convincing wood nymph as much as it’s the fact that she’s Julie Louis-Dreyfus and it’s just difficult to imagine her appearing in such a stupid role. This, of course, was her first film and everyone has to start somewhere.

Anyway, realizing that he has to rescue his little sister, Harry Potter, Jr. gets some help from the local witch, Eunice St. Clair (Joan Lockhart). Eunice gives Harry a magic spear to take with him in his quest. It’s not really that much of quest, however. Troll is a low-budget film that was produced by Albert Band so this is not the film to watch if you’re expecting some sort of elaborate fantasy epic.

One positive thing that I will say for Troll is that some of the troll makeup is effective. The plot maks absolutely zero sense but Director John Carl Buechler specialized in creating memorable monsters on a budget and he manages to do that with Troll. And, despite all of the people getting turned into monsters, Troll is a largely good-natured film. It’s not a deliberately cruel or even gory film. It’s a dumb little horror/fantasy film that features Sonny Bono turning into a plant and Julie Louis-Dreyfus turning into a wood nymph. It’s dumb but it’s mild and generally inoffensive.

Finally, I should also note that it is in no way connected to Troll 2. Troll 2, after all, is about goblins.

Horror Film Review: The Mummy’s Hand (dir by Christy Cabanne)

Posted on October 9, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

In 1940, having brought back The Invisible Man and Frankenstein’s Monster, Universal Pictures decided that it was also a good time to bring back The Mummy!

The Mummy’s Hand takes place in what we’re told is Egypt, though it’s obvious just a Universal backlot. Two archeologists — Steve Banning (Dick Foran) and Babe Jenson (Wallace Ford) — are penniless and stuck in Egypt. Babe wants to find a way to return to Brooklyn and his ex-girlfriend. Steve is a bit more serious about archeology, though it must be said that he’s no Indiana Jones when it comes to discovering relics and taking them to museums. If Indiana is the type who will risk his life to search a hidden cave in the Amazon Rain Forest, Steve is far more likely to just wander around an Egyptian market until he comes across someone selling an ancient vase.

Which is exactly what happens! Steve finds someone selling a vase and, after he learns where it came from, he buys the vase. He takes the vase to Prof. Andoheb (George Zucco), not knowing that Andoheb is an Egyptian high priest who has been sworn to protect the tomb of Princess Ananka. When Andoheb realizes that the vase could lead to the discovery of the tomb, he lies and claims that it’s a forgery. He then “accidentally” breaks it in order to keep Steve from showing the vase to anyone else. Steve, however, is not deterred and a chance meeting with an American magician named Tim Sullivan (Cecil Kellaway) leads to Sullivan agreeing to finance Steve’s expedition to discover where the vase came from. Sullivan’s daughter, Marta (Peggy Moran), worries that Steve and Babe are just trying to steal her father’s money so she insists on coming on the expedition with Steve. Also following the expedition is Andoheb, who is himself starting to fall for Marta and who is hoping that he can use a secret serum hidden in the tomb to make both himself and Marta immortal.

Of course, the tomb itself is protected by Kharis (Tom Tyler, under a ton of bandages), a mummy who is immortal due to the serum and who has sworn to protect the tomb from any outsiders. Kharis moves slowly but efficiently. He’s a ruthless and silent killer, one whose eyes appears to just be two black holes, the better to reflect his own lack of a soul.

The main problem with The Mummy’s Hand is that it takes forever for the Mummy to actually show up. This is only a 67-minute film and the Mummy mayhem doesn’t really start until around the 50 minute mark. As a result, the viewer spends a lot of time watching Steve and Babe wander around Egypt and essentially act like stereotypical American tourists. Even when the expedition finally gets started, the audience still has to sit through endless scenes of Marta accusing Steve of being some sort of con artist. This is a movie that will truly leave you saying, “When is the mummy going to show up!?”

That said, The Mummy itself is a frightening creature, especially with his empty eyes. Mummy’s are naturally frightening, especially when they’re walking towards you and dragging their decaying bandages behind them. The Mummy is effective, I just wish he had been featured in more of the movie.

Previous Universal Horror Reviews:

Monday Live Tweet Alert: Join Us For Hard Time and Bad News Bears!

Posted on October 9, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

As some of our regular readers undoubtedly know, I am involved in hosting a few weekly live tweets on twitter and occasion ally Mastodon. I host #FridayNightFlix every Friday, I co-host #ScarySocial on Saturday, and I am one of the five hosts of Mastodon’s #MondayActionMovie ! Every week, we get together. We watch a movie. We snark our way through it.

Tonight, for #MondayActionMovie, the film will be 1998’s Hard Time, a film featuring Burt Reynolds!

Then, on twitter, #MondayMuggers will be showing 1976’s Bad News Bears, starring Walter Matthau! The film is on Prime and it starts at 10 pm et!

It should make for a night of fun viewing and I invite all of you to join in. If you want to join the live tweets, just hop onto Mastodon, pull up Hard Time on YouTube, start the movie at 8 pm et, and use the #MondayActionMovie hashtag! Then switch over to twitter, pull Bad News Bears up on Prime, and use the #MondayMuggers hashtag!

Enjoy!

Horror On The Lens: The Mad Monster (dir by Sam Newfield)

Posted on October 9, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

In the 1942 film, The Mad Monster, the great George Zucco plays Dr. Cameron. Dr. Cameron is a mad scientist who has a few issues with his colleagues and who makes the decision to deal with those issues by transforming his simple-minded handyman (Glenn Strange, who played Frankenstein’s Monster in a number of Universal films) into a wolfman.

The Mad Monster is one of the many horror films that were produced by Producers Releasing Corporation, which was one of the most poverty-stricken of the poverty row production companies. To me, the interesting thing about the film is that Cameron initially wants to use his werewolf formula to help in the war effort. He wants to help the United States win the war by turning soldiers into wolfmen. It’s only after his plans are dismissed as being ludicrous that he starts using his wolfman to get revenge. Unfortunately, the wolfman itself turns more savage and bloodthirsty with each act of revenge so I guess it’s a good thing that it wasn’t deployed on the battlefield because who knows what type of state the soldiers would have been in when they finally came home.

Here is 1942’s The Mad Monster!

October Positivity: The Touch (dir by Jimmy Huckaby)

Posted on October 8, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

The 2005 film, The Touch, opens with Hannah (Kristia Knowles) being booked into jail. Hannah is being charged with drug possession and assaulting a police officer. She’s innocent on both charges. Her boyfriend was the one who left the drugs in her car. And, though she did hit a police officer, it was an accident. But it doesn’t matter. Hannah has been arrested and because she has no one in her life that has either the resources or the compassion to bail her out, she’s going to have to spend a while in jail. The opening sequence is effective, both because of Kristia Knowles’s emotional performance and because it captures the dehumanizing process of being booked. For Hannah, this is the worst moment of her life. For the police officers who are taking her jewelry and barking orders at her, it’s juts another night.

Hannah’s sleaze of a boyfriend does finally bail her out of jail but Hannah wants nothing to do with him. Instead, she tries to find a legitimate job but she soon discovers that no one is willing to hire someone with a criminal record. The only way she can get hired is to lie about her past and, even in that case, her employer eventually does a background check on her and is forced to let her go. When her car breaks down, a greasy mechanic says it’ll cost $900 to fix. Of course, he suggests, there are other ways she could pay him…. Feeling totally alone and hopeless, Hannah uses the money that she has left to rent a room in a cheap motel. She takes several pills and downs a bottle of liquor.

Her attempt at suicide doesn’t work but it does land her a spot in the local church shelter. With the help of the other women at the shelter and Wanda (Shauna Bartel), the director of the program, Hannah starts to take control of her life and deal with the horrible traumas of her past. However, the shelter is not inexpensive to run and many members of the church feel that the money could be better invested elsewhere, like in refurbishing the main building. They also feel that women like Hannah are bringing a bad reputation to their congregation. While Wanda and the Pastor (Bruce Borgan) try to keep the program from being shut down, Hannah fights the temptation to return to her old life.

To my surprise, I actually really liked The Touch. Yes, it’s a very earnest and low-budget film and there are a few moments where things get a little bit heavy-handed. But there are so many strong and honest moments that it’s easy to forgive the film’s flaws. Kristia Knowles and Shauna Bartel both give strong performances and, in the end, the film’s message is a worthy one. Far too often, society refuses to give a second chance to people who have had legal difficulties and, as a result, too many people come out of prison with no prospects and no support. As a result people, like Hannah, are often left feeling as if they have no other option than to either give up or to return to the same behavior that got them in trouble in the first place. Society has gotten so focused on punishment that they’ve overlooked the importance of rehabilitation. Sometimes, a second chance is the most important thing that you give someone.

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Degrassi Junior High 1.3 “The Experiment” and 1.4 “The Cover-Up”

Posted on October 8, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Sunday, I will be reviewing the Canadian series, Degrassi Junior High, which aired on CBC and PBS from 1987 to 1989! The series can be streamed on YouTube!

Oh my God, is Mr. Raditch a racist!? We’ll find out this week.

Episode 1.3 “The Experiment”

(Dir by Clarke Mackey, originally aired on February 1st, 1987)

Joey Jeremiah’s a drug dealer!?

I am stunned! Seriously, on Degrassi: The Next Generation, Joey was the grown-up who was always giving the teenagers a hard time for being irresponsible. When his stepson, Craig Manning, got hooked on cocaine, Joey sent off to rehab and didn’t even bother to show up at the airport to say goodbye! And yet, with this episode, we discover that, in junior high, Joey Jeremiah sold pills.

Now, I should point out that they were just vitamin pills. Joey told Melanie (Sara Ballingall) and Kathleen (Rebecca Haines) that the pills were actual drugs that would get them high but, as he explained to Wheels, he was just doing that to make some money. In fact, Joey tells Wheels that he deserves a lot of credit for keeping Melanie and Kathleen off of hard drugs! That said, Melanie and Kathleen both fool themselves into thinking they’ve gotten high and they ask Joey to get them even more drugs. In fact, Melanie and Kathleen bring some of their friends with them so that everyone can get high!

Meanwhile, Yick and Arthur have a problem of their own. Yick thinks that Mr. Raditch is biased against him because Raditch is constantly criticizing Yick for being disorganized. He even refers to Yick as being “Mr. Yu the Disorganized.” In order to test whether or not Mr. Raditich is prejudiced against Yick, Arthur takes a paper that Stephanie wrote for Mr. Raditch the previous year and he has Yick turn it in as his own work. Yick finally gets a good grade! But just to make sure that Mr. Raditch isn’t prejudiced, Yick turns in a second paper that was originally written by Stephanie. This time, Mr. Raditch recognizes the paper as having been originally written by Stephanie.

This leads to an absolutely brilliantly played scene, in which Mr. Raditch interrogates Yick and Arthur in front of the class about why they’ve been turning in Stephanie’s work as Yick’s own. While Yick attempts to explain why he feels that Mr. Raditch is prejudiced against him, Kathleen, Melanie, and their dumb friends keep laughing loudly because they’re convinced that they’re all stoned even though they’re not. Mr. Raditch, needless to say, is not amused.

Anyway, things work out in the end. After Stephanie asks Joey if he’s really a drug dealer, Joey confesses the truth. Unfortunately, for him, his confession is overheard by Melanie and Kathleen and Joey ends up being chased down a hallway by a bunch of angry, wannabe drug addicts. Meanwhile, in detention, Yick writes a paper about stereotypes and how difficult it is to be called Mr. Yu the Disorganized. Both Yick and Mr. Raditch realize the errors of their way. Yick and Arthur leave school to play basketball together, but not before locking Joey in the janitor’s closet.

Episode 1.4 “The Cover-up”

(Dir by Kit Hood, originally aired on February 8th, 1987)

School picture day is coming up and Stephanie is freaking out because, if she wears the frumpy clothes that she wears around the house, everyone will laugh at her. But if she wears her trampy school clothes, her mom will know the truth about how Stephanie changes whenever she gets to school. As usual, Voula smirks about it and refuses to give Stephanie any advice, largely because Voula is the absolutely worst. (Not everyone wants to dress like they shop at the American Girl store, Voula.) In the end, Stephanie wears her trampy clothes to picture day and good for her! Seriously, dress however you want.

While this is going on, Caitlin (Stacie Mistysyn) and her friend Susie (Sarah Charlesworth) try to get the mysterious Rick (Craig Driscoll) to smile. They tell him jokes. They were pig noses. Rick, however, has little to smile about because, as Joey discovers, Rick is being beaten by his father. When Joey asks the school secretary what he should do if he knows someone who is getting beaten, the secretary misunderstands Joey’s comment and calls Child Protective Services on Joey’s parents! (It doesn’t help that Joey has a black eye as the result of a skateboarding accident.) Fortunately, the very Canadian social worker guy figures out that Rick is the one who is being beaten and he arranges for Rick’s father to get some help and for Rick to stay with his older brother. The next day, at school, Rick smiles!

This was a significant episode because it featured the first Caitlin storyline. Caitlin, of course, is destined to become one of the most important characters in Degrassi history, with her love story with Joey destined to take over 20 years to play out. Of course, in this episode, she’s more interested in Rick. (Rick, for his part, feels like an early version of Sean Cameron, Degrassi: The Next Generation‘s resident troubled bad boy.)

Anyway, these were two good episodes. It’s kind of interesting to watch as Joey Jeremiah goes from being an annoying prankster to basically the center of just about storyline.

Next week: it’s time for a Canadian swimming competition!

Lisa Marie’s Week In Review: 10/2/23 — 10/8/23

Posted on October 8, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

The first week of Horrorthon is in the books! And I have to admit that I’m kind of exhausted right now so I’ll save my big analysis for next week. For now, I encourage everyone to just take a look back at everything that we’ve published over the past 8 days! Truly, this is the greatest time of year.

Here’s what I watched, read, and listened to this week!

Films I Watched:

Television Shows I Watched:

The Amazing Race
Big Brother
Check it Out
Degrassi Junior High
Dr. Phil
Friday the 13th
Highway to Heaven
The Hitchhiker
Monsters
Night Flight
Survivor
Yes Prime Minister

Books I Read:

Music To Which I Listened:

Adi Ulmansky
Bauhaus
Big Data
Britney Spears
The Chemical Brothers
Concrete Blonde
Creedence Clearwater Revival
Goblin
Hot Blood
John Carpenter
Katy Perry
Kid Rock
Lynard Skynard
Muse
Nine Inch Nails
The Rolling Stones
Saint Motel
Shriekback
Siouxsie and the Banshees
Taylor Swift

Live Tweets:

Horror on the Lens:

Horror on TV:

News From Last Week:

Links From Last Week:

Links From The Site:

Case analyzed Rain!
I wrote about The Woman In The Hallway!
I shared six non-horror roles of Vincent Price!
I shared 6 trailers for the end of the 1st week of horrorthon!
I reviewed Miami Vice, Fantasy Island, The Love Boat, Jennifer Slept Here, T and T, Welcome Back Kotter, Degrassi, Nightmare Cafe, Gun, Monsters, Highway to Heaven, Friday the 13th, and Check it Out!
I reviewed Play Misty For Me, The Cross and the Switchblade, House of Dracula, The Invisible Man Returns, Invisible Agent, The Invisible Man’s Revenge, Black Friday, The Being, Invaders From Mars, Beyond the Living Dead, Freeway Killer, I Dismember Mama, My Friends Need Killing, Don’t Go In The Woods Alone, Madman, Heaven’s Heroes, Waxwork, Waxwork II, Lake Dracula, Overkill, Under Arrest, Challenge the Devil, D.C. Sniper, The Fourth Man, Combat Shock, Sorority House Massacre, Exodus of the Prodigal Son, Elevator Game, Who Can Kill A Child, Beware Children At Play, Doom Asylum, Snuff, Savage Vows, Easy Prey, Birdemic, Finding Faith, Happy Face Killer, Dark Image, Day of Defense, Mark of the Witch, Astral Factor, Drifter: Henry Lee Lucas, Confessions of a Serial Killer, Chopper Chicks in Zombietown, Glorious, Five Desperate Women, and Dr Black, Mr. Hyde!
I read Missing, Haunted, Dead End, Bad Girl, and The Stepbrother!
I shared scenes from The Exorcist II, Hellraiser, Army of Darkness, Vampire Hookers, The Wolf Man, Prom Night, and The Horror of Dracula!
I paid tribute to Jack Arnold, Roy Ward Baker, Charles Band, Clive Barker, Lamberto Bava, Mario Bava, Dick Butkus, and Tod Browning!
I shared an AMV!
I shared my week in television!
Jeff shared music videos from The Damned, Garbage, Killer Barbies, Cliff Richard, UB40, Alice Cooper, and Pat Benatar!
Jeff reviewed Murderbot, Ghost Track, Blood Vessel, The Odds, Zombex, and The McPherson Tape!
Jeff shared a great moment in television history and comic book history!
Jeff reviewed Weird Texts From An Unknown Number!
Erin shared Mystery Tales, An Old Friend of the Family, The Horror in the Museum, Argosy, The Prey, Locked Doors, and Ghostly Vintage!
Erin wrote about her visit to a cemetery!
Erin reviewed The Catcher!
Erin shared The Covers of Mystery Tales!

More From Us:

At Horror Critic, I shared reviews of Blue Monkey, The Devil Bat, Cabin Fever, Lisa and the Devil, The Living Skeleton, I Don’t Want To Be Born, and The Crazies!
At my online dream journal, I shared Last Night’s Very Weird Dream, Last Night’s Halloween Party Dream, Last Night’s Joey Dream, Last Night’s Joseph Dream, Last Night’s New Cousin Dream, Last Night’s London Dream, and Last Night’s Lake Dream!
At SyFyDesigns, I shared October 2nd, October 3rd, Young Vincent Price, I Know Where I Stand, Young Bela Lugosi, Young Boris Karloff, and Young John Carradine!
At my online music site, I shared songs from Goblin, Creedence Clearwater Revival, Hot Blood, Concrete Blonde, Siouxsie and the Banshees, The Rolling Stones, and Muse!
At Reality TV Chat Blog, I shared Week 9 Veto Meeting, A Possible Flip? Probably Not, It’s Time To Open Up The Diary Room, A Few Thoughts on Survivor, Two Things I Never Thought Would Happen, Week 10 Nominations, and Week 10 Veto Comp!
At Days Without Incident, Leonard shared a cover of Bela Lugosi’s Dead from Trent Renzor!
At Pop Politics, Jeff shared Does It Matter That Laphonza Butler Doesn’t Live In California?, Unbelievable, Scalise vs Jordan, House of Menendez, Cornel West Is Not Green, Standing With Israel, and The Useful Idiots Make Their Voice Heard!
At her photography site, Erin shared Enter, Sun, Pumpkins, Pumpkins 2, Pumpkins 3, Pumpkins 4, and Pumpkins 5!

Want to see what I did last week? Click here!

Horror on TV: The Hitchhiker 5.1 “The Martyr” (dir by Phillip Noyce)

Posted on October 8, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Tonight’s episode of The Hitchhiker is a stylish homage to noir, starring Meg Foster as a femme fatale who is not quite as blind as she pretends to be. This episode was directed by Phillip Noyce, who was also responsible for a film about an actual blind person, Blind Fury. Interestingly enough, that film also featured Meg Foster, though in a very different role than the one that she plays here.

This episode originally aired on April 22nd, 1989.

The TSL Horror Grindhouse: Dr. Black, Mr. Hyde (dir by William Crain)

Posted on October 8, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

1976’s Dr. Black, My Hyde tells the story of Dr. Henry Pride (Bernie Casey).

Dr. Pride is a respected doctor, the head of a free clinic in the Watts district of Los Angeles. He has a big house. He has a fancy car. With Dr. Billie Worth (Rosalind Cash), he is researching a serum that will help people with cirrhosis to regenerate the tissue of their liver. Of course, Dr. Pride wasn’t always rich. In his own words, he and his mother grew up in the guest house of a brothel. But now that he is rich and successful, some people claim that he’s lost touch with his community. As a prostitute named Linda (Marie O’Henry) tells him, “You talk white, you think white, you probably drive a white car.”

In a scene that is designed to bring to mind the horrors of the Tuskegee syphilis experiments, Dr. Pride considers the ethics of injecting his serum into his patients without warning them that there might be consequences. Billie warns him that what he’s thinking about doing would be not only unethical but illegal. Dr. Pride questions whether ethics matter when dealing with something that could potentially save lives in the future. After Dr. Pride injects an elderly black woman with the serum, she turns into a white-skinned monster who attempts to strangle a nurse before promptly dying. Despite this, Dr. Pride continues to develop the serum and eventually, he tries it on himself.

Under the effects of the serum, Dr. Pride becomes a white-skinned madman. (Bernie Casey wears a white makeup whenever he plays this film’s version of Mr. Hyde.) Under the influence of the serum, Pride rampages through Watts, killing prostitutes and pimps before transforming back into the Dr. Pride. The police are investigating the murders but they’re searching for a white man. Meanwhile, Dr. Pride continues to obsess on trying to work out the kinks of her serum. He wants Linda to be his latest test subject.

Dr. Black, Mr. Hyde is a blaxploitation take on Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde and, as with many blaxploitation films, the subtext is frequently more interesting than what actually happens on screen. Dr. Pride, after continually being accused of acting white, takes his serum and soon literally becomes white and sets out to kill the prostitutes and the pimps who remind him of his life before he became a doctor. And while it’s easy to see this as an example of the serum turning a good man into an evil monster (the classic Jekyll and Hyde formula), it’s also true that, even before his transformation, Dr. Pride views his patients as being potential test subjects. For all of his talk about helping people, Dr. Pride maintains his distance from the members of his own community. Is the serum turning Dr. Pride into a monster or is it just revealing who Dr. Pride truly wishes to be? Given the film was directed by William Crain, who also did Blacula and who, unlike a lot of Blaxploitation directors, actually was black, it’s easy to believe that the subtext was intentional.

Of course, subtext aside, Dr. Black, Mr. Hyde is a cheap-looking and haphazardly edited film. Much of the acting is amateurish but Bernie Casey gives a strong performance as both the repressed black doctor and his violent, white alter ego. Cheapness aside, Dr. Black, Mr. Hyde is a frequently intriguing film.

Retro Television Reviews: Five Desperate Women (dir by Ted Post)

Posted on October 8, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Sundays, I will be reviewing the made-for-television movies that used to be a primetime mainstay. Today’s film is 1971’s Five Desperate Women! It can be viewed on YouTube!

Five women, who all went to college together, reunite for the first time in five years. They’re planning on spending a weekend at a cabin on a private island. Lucy (Anjanette Comer) is the alcoholic who talks too much. Dorian (Joan Hackett) is the pill popper who lies about having a handsome husband and two beautiful children. Joy (Denise Nicholas) is the former activist turned trashy model. Gloria (Stefanie Powers) is bitchy and self-centered. And Mary Grace (Julie Sommars) is the one with the mentally ill mother who refuses to speak to her. Upon reuniting on the dock, the five women all immediately gather in a circle sing an old sorority song. It’s going to be one of those weekends!

The private island is lovely and the women believe that they have it to themselves, with the exception of the two men who are also on the island. Wylie (Robert Conrad) is the caretaker and he seems to be a trustworthy gentleman and exactly the type of guy who you would want to be stranded on an island with. And then there’s Meeker (Bradford Dillman), who drove the boat to the island and who is the type of overbearing jerk who has to be specifically told not to bother the women. While the women stay in the main house, the men stay in the nearby caretaker’s cottage.

From the start, it proves to be a stressful weekend. All of the women have secrets and long-buried resentments that come out at the slightest provocation. Not helping the fact is that there’s a murderer on the island, one that goes from killing a dog to strangling Dorian while the rest of the women are at the beach. The woman, figuring that the murderer has to be either Meeker or Wylie, lock themselves into their house for the night but it turns out that it’s going to take more than a locked door to defeat a killer.

Five Desperate Women has an intriguing premise but it also has an extremely short running time. With only 70 minutes to tell its story and 7 major characters to deal with, the film doesn’t leave much room for character development and, as a result, each woman is only given one personality trait and each actress ends up portraying that trait as broadly as possible. As a result, it doesn’t take long for the movie to go from being Five Desperate Women to Five Annoying Women. As for Robert Conrad and Bradford Dillman, the two of them give effective performances but anyone with a hint of genre savvy will be able to guess who the killer is going to turn out to be. There is one unintentionally funny moment where the desperate women attempt to fight off the killer by throwing rocks at him and none of the rocks come close to reaching their target but otherwise, Five Desperate Women is not particularly memorable.