Retro Television Reviews: City Guys 5.9 “Dawn Don’t Know Jack” and 5.10 “Rosie O’Diner”

Posted on June 29, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Thursdays, I will be reviewing City Guys, which ran on NBC from 1997 to 2001. Almost the entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

This week, Dawn finally get another date and L-Train gets a van. Life is never less than exciting for the neat guys.

Episode 5.9 “Dawn Don’t Know Jack”

(Dir by Frank Bonner, originally aired on October 13th, 2001)

At the Manhattan Diner, L-Train tells Jamal and Al that he’s spent the past three years going to a junkyard and fixing up a van — the L-VAN! And now that the L-Van is ready to be driven, L-Train has no problem giving his friends a ride to the DMX concert in New Jersey. Even though Al and Jamal agree that L-Train’s van is kind of a mess (and it really is — just because you found the van in a junkyard doesn’t mean you can’t clean it out, L-Train!), they agree to allow L-Train to drive them to the concert. However, when L-Train picks up a hitchhiker, the three of them end up getting robbed and tied up in the back of the van. Fortunately, Ms. Noble just happens to be driving by so she …. wait a minute, what? L-Train, Jamal, and Al are tied up in a van that’s parked off the side of the road in freaking New Jersey and their high school principal just happens to be driving by and decided to stop and explore an unwashed van?

I think we all know what happened here. Ms. Noble set the boys up to be robbed. Of course, the show doesn’t admit that. The show would have use believe that it would be totally normal for L-Train’s high school principal to suddenly show up and untie him. But we all know what really happened….

While that’s going on, Dawn has a new boyfriend! Yay! His name is Jack and he is an old friend of Chris’s. It turns out that Jack is big into community service projects. Dawn, because she has a crush on him, helps him build a house. For some reason, Chris and Cassidy also help. (When I was in high school, the last thing I ever wanted to do was help someone build a house.) Anyway, Jack and Dawn go out on a few dates but Jack lets Chris know that he’s also seeing a girl named Jenna. Chris tells Cassidy and then Cassidy tells Dawn and Dawn …. well, not surprisingly, Dawn refuses to believe it. But then, at the party to celebrate the completion of the house, Dawn walks in on Jack giving Jenna jewelry.

Poor Dawn. Dating Al really destroyed whatever self-esteem she once had.

This episode perhaps would have been more effective if not for the fact that the exact same cheating boyfriend storyline was also used on Saved By The Bell, California Dreams, Hang Time, One World, Saved By The Bell: The College Years, Saved By The Bell: The New Class, USA High, Sk8te, and every other show that Peter Engel ever produced. Seriously, has Dawn never watched television before?

Let’s move on.

Episode 5.10 “Rosie O’Diner”

(Dir by Frank Bonner, originally aired on October 13th, 2001)

Here’s the plot description, according to Wikipedia:

Jamal falls for and after some mistakes in introducing himself, he hooks up with and starts dating one of the waitresses at the Manhattan diner named Rosie. She is very independent and not afraid to speak her mind, which proves to be trouble when she begins to offend customers who get on her nerves at the diner. After numerous complaints, Mr. Grant gives his son the uncomfortable job of firing her.

I had to go with the Wikipedia description for this episode because it hasn’t been uploaded to YouTube. It sounds pretty stupid, from the silly title to the fact that apparently, Mr. Grant can’t fire his own employees but instead puts the responsibility on his teenaged son. As far as Rosie offending the customers …. it’s New York. People in New York can get away with being rude. It’s a part of their charm. That’s why we all secretly want to live there.

I’m kind of glad I had an excuse not to watch this one.

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 2.21 “A Good and Faithful Servant/The Secret Life of Burl Smith/Tug of War/Designated Lover”

Posted on June 28, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, we have a special 90-minute episode of The Love Boat!

Episode 2.21 “A Good and Faithful Servant/The Secret Life of Burl Smith/Tug of War/Designated Lover”

(Dir by Roger Duchowny, originally aired on February 17th, 1979)

It’s a Mills family reunion as John, Juliet, and Haley all board The Love Boat. Despite being related, the three of them appears in three separate and unconnected stories. (There is one moment where Juliet walks past John and he gives her a slightly quizzical “Do I know you?” look.)

John Mills plays Bertram MacDonald, the long-time butler and chauffeur to Estelle Castlewood (Celeste Holm). Estelle has booked herself a vacation cruise on the Pacific Princess and she’s surprised to discover that Bertram has also booked a cruise. As Bertram explains it, the only time that he can take a vacation is when Celeste takes a vacation. At first, Bertram promises to stay away from Celeste during the cruise so that they can both enjoy their vacations without feeling like employer and employee. However, fate keeps bringing them together and soon, Bertram tells Celeste that he has to resign from his position because he’s now in love with her. Fortunately, Celeste is also in love with him so it all works out. Upon returning to America, Bertram again drives Celeste home but, this time, Celeste sits up front with him instead of in the back of her limo. This was a rather sweet story, largely because John Mills and Celeste Holm had a lot of chemistry and, being two veteran actors, they both knew exactly how to deliver their sentimental dialogue without making it sound overly calculated.

Juliet Mills plays Millicent, who is separated from Sherman (David Hedison). Millicent boards the cruise with her 8 year-old son, Lucas (Keith Coogan) and she is shocked to discover that Sherman has decided to take the cruise as well. Lucas blames himself for the separation but, fortunately, he gets a pep talk from a real-life baseball star, Reggie Jackson. (Yes, I did ask my sister who he was.) Even better, Sherman and Millicent realize that they still love each other and agree to call off the divorce. Yay! Again, this was another story that worked because of the chemistry between the two leads. Juliet Mills and David Hedison were convincing as a couple who, for all of their ups and downs, were still willing to give their marriage another chance.

Now, you may be wondering what Reggie Jackson was doing on the cruise. It turns out that Reggie is an old friend of Isaac Washington’s. Apparently, Isaac was known as “Freight Train Washington” in high school. Reggie went on to become a multi-millionaire athlete while Isaac went on to become a bartender on a cruise line. When Reggie boards the boat, he tells Isaac that he doesn’t want anyone to know that he’s famous. However, in an amusing twist, Reggie soon becomes frustrated when he gets what he asked for. He’s soon reduced to telling people that he’s Reggie Jackson, just to have them reply that he looks nothing like Reggie Jackson. Not even Captain Stubing believes that he’s Reggie Jackson! Fortunately, Reggie is finally able to convince Cleo (Telma Houston) that he is who he says he is and the two of them leave the boat together. As an actor, Reggie Jackson was a bit stiff but he still had decent comedic timing and it was hard not to be amused at his growing frustration over being anonymous.

Finally, Haley Mills plays model Cheryl Tyson. Gopher is excited that Cheryl is going to be on the cruise. She’s his favorite model! He even has a big poster on the wall next to his bed in his cabin. Unfortunately, every time that Gopher is near Cheryl, he loses the ability to speak in complete sentences. As such, Gopher spends the majority of the episode fantasizing outlandish, film-inspired scenarios that all lead to him sweeping Cheryl off her feet. Gopher imagines himself as an explorer, an admiral, a knight, a spy, and as Humphrey Bogart in Casablanca. He imagines himself as Elton John, performing Pinball Wizard as the Love Boat crew dances around. He even imagines being in a love triangle with Julie and Cheryl. Eventually, Cheryl gives him a pity date and it’s …. well, this whole storyline was pretty stupid. Fred Grandy was likable in the role and Gopher could be an amusingly goofy character but his fantasies were just so silly and poorly written that I couldn’t wait for them to be over. It’s nice that the show finally gave Grandy a showcase but neither he nor Haley Mills were particularly well-served by this episode.

This was an uneven episode. Even though the stories featuring John and Juliet Mills and Reggie Jackson were nicely done, the Hayley Mills/Fred Grandy stuff took up the majority of the episode and it dragged the whole thing down.

Next week …. Freight Train Washington falls in love!

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 3.3 “Tattoo: The Love God/Magnolia Blossoms”

Posted on June 27, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, Mr. Roarke tries to kill Tattoo!

Episode 3.3 “Tattoo: The Love God/Magnolia Blossoms”

(Dir by Earl Bellamy, originally aired on Sept. 21st, 1979)

This week’s episode of Fantasy Island opens with Tattoo driving his mini-car across the island and nearly running over a group of Islanders.

Tattoo has every reason to be excited! This week, he is getting his fantasy. Using a fake name (Dr. H.L. Oottat — spell the last name backwards), Tattoo requested a chance to come to the Island and live out his fantasy of being irresistible to women. At first, Mr. Roarke pretends as if he had no idea that Dr. Oottat was actually Tattoo but, by the end of this episode, it’s pretty clear that Roarke not only knew who Oottat was but that he also saw this fantasy as his best chance to kill off his troublesome assistant.

Seriously, how else can you explain how Mr. Roarke grants Tattoo his fantasy. Tattoo wants women to find him attractive. (That’s actually kind of sad. Poor Tattoo!) So, Mr. Roarke arranges for a bunch of native Islanders to mistake Tattoo for their legendary love god, Nooyeeowee.

Words goes out that Nooyeeowee has returned to the Island. A group of Islanders take Tattoo to their village.

The chief explains that, as the Love God, Tattoo is not only responsible for deciding who in the tribe will marry who but that his presence will also guarantee successful fishing expeditions. Unfortunately, Tattoo is also expected to be able to fly. When one of the islanders, jealous because Tattoo has stolen his girlfriend, accuses Tattoo of being a fraud, Tattoo is told to prove his powers by taking flight. Instead, with the help of a native girl, Tattoo gets in a canoe and flees back to the main island.

Mr. Roarke acts as if he’s happy to have his assistant back but let’s be honest here. Mr. Roarke has shown, on numerous occasions, that he cannot be fooled or tricked by anyone. Are we to believe that Mr. Roarke didn’t realize that the letter from Dr. Oottaat was actually from Tattoo? After three seasons of listening to their passive-aggressive banter, it should be obvious to anyone that Roarke and Tattoo actually hate each other. Personally, I think Mr. Roarke was hoping Tattoo wouldn’t be able to escape.

As for the second fantasy, it features Pamela Franklin and Lisa Hartman as two women who want to become Southern belles by returning to what they consider to be the most romantic time and place in US. History, Civil War-era Georgia….

Uhmm…. yeah. This is definitely a fantasy that would not be allowed today. But, back in 1979, Roarke sends the women back to Civil War era Altanta so that they can both pursue a romance with the two Confederates of their dreams. Lisa Hartman falls hard for Dack Rambo, who is made up to look like Clark Gable. Pamela Franklin falls just as hard for Christopher Connelly, who is made up to look like Leslie Howard. Unfortunately, their night at the plantation is ruined by the arrival of an evil Union captain, played by Luke Askew.

Sadly, the fantasy ends before the belles get a chance to marry their men. But no worries! It turns out that the two men were also on the Island to live out their fantasies of fighting for the Confederacy during the Civil War. So, everything works out….

This was a weird episode and, as I mentioned earlier, it’s definitely one that would not be made today. I can only imagine how Twitter, if it had existed back then, would have reacted to the Civil War fantasy and the frequent appearances of Dixie on the soundtrack. To be honest, though, the the two belles were less in love with the Confederacy and more just obsessed with Clark Gable and Leslie Howard. Tattoo’s fantasy was actually the cringier of the two, with Tattoo pretending to be a God just to get laid and its suggestion that the Islanders will basically just worship anyone that they can convince to come to their village.

(Why don’t they worship Mr. Roarke then? I mean, he has literal magic powers!)

As I said, this episode was just very weird. 1979, you know?

Retro Television Reviews: Hang Time 5.5 “Too Good To Be True” and 5.6 “Shall We Dance?”

Posted on June 26, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing Hang Time, which ran on NBC from 1995 to 2000. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

I’ll always remember, me and my friends at Hang Time….

Episode 5.5 “Too Good To Be True”

(Dir by Miguel Higuera, originally aired on October 16th, 1999)

Michael’s father is out of town and — oh no! — Michael has damaged the family car. Michael has to raise the money to fix the car before his father comes home so Michael gets a job delivering pizzas. Since this is a Peter Engel-produced show, this means that Michael has to dress up and talk like a pirate.

Fortunately, Michael meets a real estate agent who happens to be a fan of Deering basketball. The agent gives Michael a job and even loans him the money to pay for the car repairs! Yay!

Unfortunately, Michael is dating Julie again and, as usual, Julie just can’t let anyone else be happy. She decides that the real estate agent is trying to recruit Michael to play basketball at Indiana Tech. Apparently, it’s against the rules for recruiters to offer gifts to students. Julie tells Michael that he has to quit his job and then she gets the rest of the team to tell Michael the same thing. Michael’s first instinct is to tell everyone to mind their own business. And really, Michael has a point here. It’s his life and seriously, I’m sure everyone bends the rules. If he’s a good enough player and if he goes to a school with enough rich benefactors, no one will ever care. But, eventually, Michael quits his new job and refuses to take the money. By the end of the episode, he is once again dressed as a pirate and delivering pizzas.

“I’m proud of you,” Julie says, “you followed the rules.”

(Rules are for suckers.)

Meanwhile, Coach K is totally excited because he’s bought a new telescope so he can watch a comet fly by the Earth. Yay! I’ve been critical of Coach K in the past but he’s actually pretty likable in this episode and Dick Butkus does a good job of playing up his almost childlike excitement over seeing the comet. Of course, Julie pops up to say that the comet is no big deal because Julie has to ruin everything.

Let’s move on.

Episode 5.6 “Shall We Dance?”

(Dir by Miguel Higuera, originally aired on October 23rd, 1999)

At the start of this episode, the audience goes crazy as Michael asks Julie out on a date.

“You two are so getting back together!” Mary Beth tells Julie.

Uhmmm …. last episode, they were back together and Julie was going out of her way to ruin Michael’s future. Once again, we have another example of NBC deciding to show these episodes out of order and allowing continuity to be damned.

Anyway, Michael and Julie start dating again. However, Julie also discovers that she and Antonio love to swing dance! (Over the past five seasons, there’s been absolutely nothing about Julie that suggested she would be into swing dancing but whatever….) Julie and Antonio decide to enter a swing dancing contest and soon, they’re spending all of their time together. Always a force of chaos, Mary Beth subtly suggests to Michael and Kristy that their respective significant others may be falling for each other. Even a bizarre cameo from Dr. Drew Pinsky (who apparently lives in Deering and shops at the local mall) can’t keep Michael and Kristy from getting jealous.

This was actually a fun episode, just because of all of the dancing. Jay Hernandez and Daniella Deutscher did get married after co-starring on Hang Time so Mary Beth wasn’t totally wrong about there being chemistry between Julie and Antonio. If I really wanted to be critical, I would point out that this is yet another episode where Julie is actually pretty self-centered (she abandons Michael in the middle of a date so that she can go practice a new dance move with Antonio) but …. eh. There was too much dancing for me to be overly critical.

There was also a pretty stupid B-plot, where Silk and Eugene tried to film Coach K. losing his temper so that they could send it into America’s Funniest Home Videos. Didn’t the same thing happen on California Dreams and City Guys? It might have happened on One World, too. All of these shows blend together after a while. Still, despite the dumb B-plot, I enjoyed this episode.

Retro Television Reviews: A Tattered Web (dir by Paul Wendkos)

Posted on June 25, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Sundays, I will be reviewing the made-for-television movies that used to be a primetime mainstay. Today’s film is 1971’s A Tattered Web! It can be viewed on YouTube!

Sgt. Ed Stagg (Lloyd Bridges) is a good cop and an overprotective father. Ever since his wife left him, Ed has been determined to make sure that his daughter, Tina (Sallie Shockley), has a good life. So, as you can probably guess, Ed is not amused when he finds out that Tina’s husband, Steve (Frank Converse), has been cheating on her with Louise Campbell (Anne Helm). Ed has never liked Steve and would love it if his daughter left him. But, Ed still doesn’t want want Tina to have to go through the pain of knowing that her husband is seeing another woman.

Ed decides to drop by Louise’s apartment and talk to her himself. Louise, however, is not willing to let some old stranger tell her how to live her life. After all, she’s heard from Steve about what a terrible and judgmental father-in-law Ed is. Ed gets frustrated and shoves Louise. Louise stumbles back, hits her head, and …. uh-oh. Louise is dead! To be honest, it didn’t really look like she hit her head that hard. In fact, I had to rewatch the scene to see if she actually hit her head at all. But no matter. Louise is dead and Ed’s responsible.

The next morning, when Ed and his partner, Joe (Murray Hamilton), are called in to investigate Louise’s homicide, Ed is approached by Louise’s neighbor (John Fiedler), who gives him a description of a young man who he says he frequently saw going up to Louise’s apartment. The description perfectly describes Steve. The police sketch artist draws a picture that looks like just like Steve. Joe thinks that Steve is responsible. Not wanting his daughter to think that her husband’s a murderer, Ed decides to frame Willard Edson (Broderick Crawford), an alcoholic who frequently comes into the station and confesses to crimes so that he can have a place to sleep for the night.

Yes, it’s a tattered web indeed. Ed is able to talk Edson into confessing to the crime but then Steve does his own detective work and realizes that Edson couldn’t be the murderer. Ed tells Steve that he should just let the police arrest Edson because, otherwise, they’re going to come after Steve. Steve, however, says that he would rather be arrested and be given a chance to prove his innocence than just stand by idly while an innocent man goes to jail. Being a veteran cop, Ed wasn’t expecting everyone to be so damn honest!

A Tattered Web isn’t bad for a 70-minute made-for-TV movie. The film’s main strength is the cast, with Lloyd Bridges, Murray Hamilton, and especially Broderick Crawford giving strong performances. The scene where Ed talks Edson into confession is especially well-done, with Crawford giving a performance of growing desperation while Bridges himself appears to be on the verge of tears as Ed realizes what his life has become. Like his sons Jeff and Beau, Lloyd Bridges is such a likable actor that it’s hard not to care about what happens to the characters that he’s playing, even when he’s playing a murderer. A Tattered Web is an effective thriller that reminds viewers that guilt cannot be escaped.

Lisa Marie’s Week In Television: 6/18/23 — 6/24/23

Posted on June 24, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Andor (Disney Plus)

I finished up Andor this week and I was surprised by not only how intelligent the show was but also how much I enjoyed it. Usually, Star Wars stuff tends to bore me to tears but Andor was full of interesting characters, exciting action, and even a few memorable exchanges of dialogue. The show took itself seriously without ever becoming dull. Diego Luna gave a strong performance in the title role and really, the entire cast impressed. On a personal note, one reason why I enjoyed it is because it didn’t get bogged down in all of the usual Star Wars mythology. As such, even an outsider like me could follow what was going on.

Beavis and Butt-Head (Thursday, Paramount Plus)

“Those boys sure do die a lot,” I thought as I watched last week’s episode of Beavis and Butt-Head on Thursday. The first segment on that episode, which featured Beavis and Butt-Head becoming hoarders, ended with their skeletons being discovered on their couch and then dumped into a dumpster without anyone bothering to even ask who they had been in life. The second segment ended with Beavis finding inner peace via acupuncture. Beavis enjoyed having the needles in his face so much that he ended up sticking a bunch of thumb tacks and sewing needles everywhere else on his body. The episode ended with Beavis apparently castrating himself. Fortunately, that happened offscreen.

This week’s episode featured even more hardship for Beavis. Jealous because Butt-Head got to wear a stupid costume at work, Beavis made his own stupid uniform and eventually got beaten up. (It’s too complicated to explain in a capsule review but it was all Butt-Head’s fault.) This was followed by one of Tom Anderson’s stories about the Korean War and a segment in which Old Beavis and Butt-Head got a job working at a warehouse that was owned by a company that was totally not Amazon. Needless to say, the warehouse burned down by the end of the day.

Bubblegum Crisis (NightFlight+)

As usual, I can’t truthfully that I was able to follow the plot of the episode of Bubblegum Crisis that I watched on Saturday morning. But the explosions were plentiful and the animation was stylish. Sometimes, you don’t have to know what’s going on.

City Guys (YouTube)

I wrote about City Guys here!

Dancing With The Stars (Disney Plus)

I’m not sure why I missed the 31st season of Dancing With The Stars when it originally aired but, with the Emmys approaching, I finally watched it this week. It was pretty good, though I think Gabby and Val should have won.

Fantasy Island (Tubi)

I wrote about Fantasy Island here!

Forgive or Forget (YouTube)

I watched an episode on Sunday night. It was from the Robin Givens years. Parents demanded that their out-of-control teens sign a contract promising to no longer be out-of-control. One teen signed and the others dramatically ripped the contracts into little pieces. Robin yelled at all of them. I doubt it made much difference in the long run but it probably made the parents feel better (or worse as the case may be.)

I Think You Should Leave With Tim Robinson (Netflix)

I binged the latest season on Wednesday night. “This guy is trying to start a pay it forward chain!” made me laugh so hard that I nearly fell off my couch.

The Love Boat (Paramount Plus)

I wrote about this week’s episode of The Love Boat here!

Making the Cut (Prime)

The Master (Tubi)

I wrote about this week’s episode of The Master here!

Night Flight (NightFlight+)

On Friday night, I watched an episode of this 1984 episode of this show. It was all about music videos based on movies. Among the videos that they showed was the one for Relax from Frankie Goes To Hollywood. From what I’ve seen, it appears that the people behind Night Flight were always looking for an excuse to show that video.

U.S. Open Golf (Sunday, NBC)

Congratulations to Wyndham Clark! As always, I thought the course looked lovely.

So You Think You Can Dance (Fox/Tubi)

At the same time that I was binging the latest season of Dancing With The Stars, I was also watching what might be the last season of So You Think You Can Dance. As always, I enjoyed the dancing but everything was pretty much overshadowed by the whole Matthew Morrison thing. Personally, I always found Matthew Morrison’s performance to be the most annoying thing about Glee so I wasn’t particularly sad to see him step down as a judge on this show.

Welcome Back, Kotter (Tubi)

I wrote about this week’s episodes here!

Retro Television Reviews: Welcome Back, Kotter 1.7 “Classroom Marriage” and 1.8 “One Of Our Sweathogs Is Missing”

Posted on June 24, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Welcome Back Kotter, which ran on ABC from 1975 to 1979. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, Freddie wants to get married and Epstein loses his confidence.

Episode 1.7 “Classroom Marriage”

(Dir by Bob LoHendro, originally aired on October 21st, 1975)

In their cluttered little apartment, Julie is shocked to discover that Gabe is not only awake at midnight but that he’s also sitting out on the fire escape with a basketball. Gabe explains that he’s depressed. He knows that there’s something going on with the Sweathogs but none of them trust him enough to come to him. In a perfect example of “Be careful what you wish for,” the phone rings.

Julie answers the phone and tells Gabe, “It’s Boom Boom.”

“Boom Boom who?” Gabe replies.

Of course, it’s Freddie “Boom Boom” Washington. Freddie says that he and his girlfriend need Gabe’s advice and that they’re on their way over. No sooner has the call ended then someone knocks on the door. Julie answers it and Vinnie, wearing a trench coat, rushes into the apartment.

After explaining that he can’t afford to be seen talking to a teacher, Vinnie explains that Freddie is planning on getting married. Suddenly, someone else knocks on the door. Vinnie hides in the bathroom.

Rosalie Tosty (Debralee Scott) enters the apartment, wearing a trench coat because she doesn’t want anyone to see her talking to a teacher. She explains that Freddie is getting married. Someone knocks on the door. Rosalie says she’ll hide in the bathroom.

“Vinnie’s in there!” Julie says.

Rosalie smiles and says that’s fine before joining him.

Kotter opens the door and Epstein, wearing a trench coat and a fake mouth on the back of his head, enters the apartment. Epstein says that Freddie is getting married and Vinnie is driving everyone crazy with his attempts to talk Freddie out of it. Someone knocks on the door. Epstein hides in a closet.

Again, Kotter opens the door. Horseshack enters, wearing a gorilla mask. He explains that he’s fine with Freddie getting married because he thinks it’s very romantic. Someone knocks on the door. Horseshack ducks out the window and hides on the fire escape.

Once again, the door is opened. Freddie enters, accompanied by his girlfriend Vernajean (Vernee Watson). Freddie explains that they’re getting married because Vernajean’s father is moving to Staten Island and Freddie can’t stand the thought of her living in a different borough. Gabe attempts to talk them out of getting married by talking about how difficult it would be for them to even find someone in New York City to marry them. “I mean,” Gabe says, “you could lie about your age and go to Maryland but….”

Freddie smiles. “We could lie about our age and go to Maryland!” Freddie thanks Gabe for the advice and then leaves.

This whole sequence is an example of the first season of Welcome Back, Kotter at its best. Yes, it’s very busy and frantic but the entire cast shows off perfect comedic timing, from John Travolta and Debralee Scott to Robert Hegyes and Ron Palillo. Robert Hegyes is especially funny as he captures Epstein’s mix of earnest eccentricity. And, to top it all off, the expression of Gabe’s face when he realizes that he’s accidentally convinced Freddie to get married is simply priceless.

Fear not. The next day in class, Gabe has Freddie and Vernajean do an exercise where they pretend to be married. They’re able to handle having Horseshack as their son but the pretend marriage pretty much falls apart as soon as Gabe shows up and demands that they pay him the rent. In the end, Freddie admits that he only asked Vernajean to marry him because he was afraid that she would forget about him after she moved to Staten Island. Vernajean assures him that could never happen. Awwwwww!

This was a sweet and funny episode. When Gabe ended the episode with a corny joke about his astronaut uncle, Buzz Kotter, you couldn’t help but feel that Gabe had earned the right to make his little joke. He did a good job.

Episode 1.8 “One Of Our Sweathogs Is Missing”

(Dir by Bob LoHendro, originally aired on October 28th, 1975)

Gabe tells Julie a rather macabre joke about his uncle who is marrying his fourth wife. Julie asks about the other three wives. Gabe explains that the first and second wives died from eating poisoned mushrooms and the third died from a fractured skull “because she wouldn’t eat the poisoned mushrooms.” Yikes! It’s hard not to feel that Gabe was warning Julie about rolling her eyes at any more of his jokes.

Meanwhile, at the school, the Sweathogs are excited when Todd Ludlow (Dennis Bowen) challenges Epstein to a fight. However, they are shocked when Epstein — voted most likely to take a life — is easily beaten by Ludlow. After Vinnie, Freddie, and Horseshack have a good laugh over Epstein and his black eye, Epstein runs off and disappears for three days.

Feeling guilty, Barbarino sets up Epstein Central in the classroom:

Mr. Woodman comes by, searching for his red phone. When the phone rings, Woodman insists on answer it himself.

It turns out that Julie is calling for Gabe, in order to tell him that Epstein has shown up at their apartment and locked himself in the bathroom. While Gabe heads home, Julie asks Epstein if he wants anything to drink. Epstein replies that he’s not worthy of anything good to drink but he would happily accept a flat and warm beverage.

Fortunately, Gabe shows up. Epstein agrees to come out of the bathroom as long as Gabe promises not to look at him. While Gabe stares at the lamp, Epstein explains that he only came by the apartment to say goodbye. He feels that his fearsome reputation was the only thing that Epstein had going for him. (Awwwww! Poor Epstein!) Gabe finally looks away from the lamp and tells Epstein that he’s a smart and energetic young man with a lot of potential. Seriously, this scene was so achingly sincere and well-acted by Gabe Kaplan and Robert Hegyes that it was impossible not to be touched by it.

Anyway, it all works out in the end. The other Sweathogs show up on Gabe’s fire escape and they declare their friendship for Epstein. Epstein agrees not to run away. He calls home and tells his mother that he’s okay. His mother tells him to have dinner with the Kotters because his family has already eaten that day. The audience laughs but that’s actually one of the saddest things I’ve ever heard.

With everything resolved, Gabe tells Julie a story about his Uncle Bernie, who never took a bath.

Like the one that preceded it, this was a funny and surprisingly sweet episode. Welcome Back, Kotter is turning out to be a lot better than I was expecting.

Retro Television Reviews: The Master 1.7 “Juggernaut”

Posted on June 23, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing The Master, which ran on NBC from January to August of 1984. The show can be found on Tubi!

This week, Lee Van Cleef gets a chance to show off what he can do!

Episode 1.7 “Juggernaut”

(Dir by Gordon Hessler, originally aired on March 16th, 1984)

This week’s episode of The Master opens with Max’s totally groovy van driving across what appears to be farmland. Judging from the mountains in the background, it appears that they are back in California. (If they did mention their specific location during this episode, I missed it.) Last week, as you may remember, Max and McAllister were looking for McAllister’s daughter in Louisiana. Now, they’re apparently just hanging out in California again. It’s odd that McAllister left behind his life in Japan so that he could come to America to find his daughter but, now that he’s actually in America, there doesn’t really seem to be any sense of urgency when it comes to actually tracking her down.

Inside the van, McAllister informs Max that he’s concerned about the way that Max is always losing his temper and starting fights. Max promises that there will be no more unprovoked fights on his part. When they stop in front of a local bar, Max says he’s going to get a beer but he also promises McAllister that he will not be getting tossed through the bar’s window.

Five minutes later:

Now, in all fairness, it isn’t totally Max’s fault that he got thrown through that window. Max went in the bar and saw Alan Kane (veteran TV and movie bad guy William Smith) harassing Cat Sinclair (Tara Buckman). When Max told Alan to back off, Alan challenged Max to a fight. Max was forced to explain that he’s not allowed to fight. Cat rolled her eyes and then Alan tossed Max through the window. Seeing that his protegee is in trouble, McAllister enters the bar, beats up Alan, and saves Max and Cat.

Even though Cat is not impressed with Max’s refusal to fight, she still gets in his van and allows him to give her a ride home. It turns out that Cat and her mother, Maggie (Diana Muldaur), are farmers but an evil land baron named Hellman (Stuart Whitman) is trying to intimidate them off their land. Alan works for Hellman and, because of him and his thugs, none of the farmers have been able to get their crops to market.

Both Cat and Maggie refuse to accept any help from Max and McAllister so our heroes get back in their totally happening van and try to leave town. However, when one of Hellman’s truckers runs the love van off the road, the engine is damaged and the local mechanic informs Max that it will take 48 hours to fix it. Stranded in town, Max searches for proof that Hellman’s trucker was the one who ran them off the road. Meanwhile, McAllister returns to the farm and, turning on some of that Lee Van Cleef charm, proceeds to fall in love with Maggie.

If any of this sounds familiar, it’s because, with the exception of McAllister falling in love, it’s pretty much the same thing that happened in not only the first episode but also the third episode. Max and McAllister have an uncanny talent for randomly wandering into towns that are controlled by evil businessmen. Just as the first and third episodes featured Max giving impassioned speeches about the rights of the workers, this episode features McAllister giving a speech at a meeting in a barn.

While McAllister is giving his speech, Max is getting arrested for snooping around Hellman’s property. Fortunately, McAllister puts on a fake beard and breaks him out of jail. McAllister then directs the farmers to form a convoy and to work together to get their crops to market. Though Alan attempts to set off a bunch of explosives on the way, McAllister uses a cropduster to fool Alan into setting off the explosions early. Then, Lee Van Cleef’s stunt double beats up Hellman. McAllister and Max congratulate each other on a job well done.

Having saved the farmers and beaten up the bad guys, it’s time for Max and McAllister to once again continue their journey across America. McAllister may love Maggie but he still needs to (eventually) find his daughter so he gets in the Chevy van and waves goodbye.

As I said before, this episode felt very familiar. It’s probably not a good sign that, after just seven episodes, The Master was pretty much repeating itself. That said, the episode did feature the great William Smith playing yet another rural bully and Stuart Whitman always made for a convincing villain. With Max sidelined by McAllister’s demand that he stop fighting, Lee Van Cleef got his moment to shine in this episode. He was obviously frail, making it all the more obvious that his fight scenes involved a stunt man, but Van Cleef still got a chance to show off some of his old school movie star charisma.

Next week: The Master steals the Crown Jewels of the United Kingdom! …. sure, why not?

Retro Television Reviews: City Guys 5.7 “Just For The Record” and 5.8 “Skips, Lies, and Radiotapes”

Posted on June 22, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, Al and L-Train get a job and Jamal and Chris screw over yet another charity.

Episode 5.7 “Just For The Record”

(Dir by Frank Bonner, originally aired on October 6th, 2001)

Upset that the Manny High courtyard is so loud that she can’t even study for her midterms, Dawn tells Ms. Noble that she needs to do a better job as principal. Dawn actually has a point. Ms. Noble really is the worst and she proves that by deciding to teach Dawn (and, for some reason, Cassidy) a lesson by appointing them assistant principals. I’m not really sure how that would work, especially in New York where the schools are notoriously unionized and promotions are rarely given to people who haven’t even graduated from high school. Do Dawn and Cassidy get paid to work as principals? Is Ms. Noble still getting paid despite the fact that she’s not doing anything?

Before Ms. Noble steps down as principal, she informs Al and L-Train that they need find an internship before they graduate. (Do high school students usually get internships?) Al and L-Train end up working at a record company. L-Train works hard. Al doesn’t. L-Train gets a lot of responsibility and praise. Al gets fired. Al says that he’ll never forgive L-Train for not warning him that he was about to lose his job. L-Train points out that he couldn’t tell Al because Al was never at work.

Anyway, it all works out in the end. Because no one wants to spend any time with them now that they’re principals, Dawn and Cassidy suggest to Ms. Noble that students with bad grades should be publicly humiliated in the school courtyard. Ms. Noble fires Dawn and Cassidy. Meanwhile, Al miraculously realizes that he made a mistake and apologizes to L-Train. What led to Al’s change of heart? Probably the fact that the episode was nearly over and the conflict had to be resolved before the Peter Engel title card could flash on the screen. As the episode ended, a really boring girl group performs while the audience goes crazy.

Eh. Who cares? This whole episode was dumb. Let’s move on.

Episode 5.8 “Skips, Lies, and Radiotapes”

(Dir by Frank Bonner, originally aired on October 6th, 2001)

It’s Senior Ditch Day! Al, L-Train, and Cassidy are going bungee jumping but Ms. Noble has decided that Chris and Jamal will not be joining them. She has decided that Chris and Jamal will spend Cut Day doing a radio fundraiser for charity. Chris and Jamal decide to try to fool Ms. Noble by placing plastic dummies in the radio booth and playing pre-taped recordings of their show. It doesn’t work, of course.

Yep, this is yet another episode of City Guys where Chris and Jamal prove themselves to be the worst people in New York. But you know what? At this point, Ms. Noble deserves most of the blame. How many times has Ms. Noble ordered Chris and Jamal to help out with a charity? And, every single time, what’s happened? Chris and Jamal have come up with a stupid plan to get out of it. At this point, why does Ms. Noble waste her time with them? And why do they still have a radio program, despite all of the trouble that it’s caused at Manny High over the years? How incompetent is Ms. Noble?

The only two students to not skip school are Dawn and her rival, Kitty Collins. Dawn and Kitty are competing to be valedictorian, which at this school apparently has less to do with maintaining good grades and more to do with kissing up to Ms. Noble. Ms. Noble orders Dawn and Kitty to work on a presentation together and they learn an important lesson about team work and not trying to sabotage each other. At the end of the presentation, Dawn says that Kitty should be valedictorian. Kitty replies that Dawn deserves it. “Okay,” Dawn say, “see ya.” Again, it would seem like whoever has the top GPA should be valedictorian but I’ve noticed that’s rarely the case in these Peter Engel-produced high school shows. Everyone is always turning down the honor or stepping aside to allow someone else to give the speech at graduation. This just doesn’t seem like something that would happen in real life.

Anyway, Chris and Jamal hold a carnival on the roof of Manny High and raise money for the charity. Ms. Noble hits them both in the face with a pie. The whole thing just feels lazy.

Again, this was a dumb episode. If Ms. Noble really cared about all of these charities, she wouldn’t continually be putting Chris and Jamal in a position where they could easily screw everything up. Seriously, Ms. Noble’s the worst.

Next week, we’ll be one step closer to the final episode of this show.

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 2.20 “Best of Friends/Aftermath/Dream Boat”

Posted on June 21, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week’s cruise is just weird.

Episode 2.20 “Best of Friends/Aftermath/Dream Boat”

(Dir by George Tyne, originally aired on February 10th, 1979)

This cruise is all about excitement and letdowns.

For instance, Doc Bricker is super excited because his former mentor, Dr. Art Akers (Richard Anderson), is a passenger on the cruise. But then Bricker is letdown when he discovers that, due to a traffic accident, Dr. Akers has lost his arm and can no longer practice medicine. Bricker also discovers that Dr. Akers feels that Bricker has wasted his potential by taking a job as a cruise ship doctor. As Dr. Akers puts it, Doc Bricker should be performing surgery and working in a hospital and not wasting his time dealing with seasick debutantes. Obviously, we’re meant to feel that Dr. Akers is being unfair and Akers is definitely a jerk. At the same time, it is really hard to think of very many times that this show actually showed Dr. Bricker doing anything other than hitting on the passengers. I know that there was an episode where he delivered a baby and another where he performed surgery while at sea but, for the most part, Doc does seem to spend most of his time drinking at the bar and hanging out at the pool.

Anyway, Doc Bricker does get a chance to prove himself. He notices that Akers’s wife, Laura (Diana Muldaur), appears to be hooked on the anti-anxiety pills that she’s been taking ever since the car accident that cost her husband his arm. At first, Akers refuses to listen to Bricker but then Laura ends up stumbling around the ship in a daze and Akers is first to admit that his wife is a junkie and Doc Bricker is actually a doctor. So, I guess that’s a happy ending to that story.

Carol Gilmore (Carol Lynley) is super excited when she boards the cruise because she’s going to finally meet the man who is engaged to her best friend, Gwen (Donna Pescow). She’s also excited because a handsome passenger named Paul (Ben Murphy) hits on her as soon as he sees her. However, she’s letdown when she subsequently discovers that Paul is Gwen’s fiancé! Even after he learns that Carol is Gwen’s best friend, Paul asks Carol to meet him on the deck at midnight. Carol does so and Paul tells her that he hit on her because he was feeling nervous about getting married but that he felt terrible and ashamed as soon as he did so and that hitting on Carol only reminded him of how much he loves Gwen. Carol thinks that is the most romantic thing that she’s ever heard. Gwen is far less impressed and she dumps both her fiancé and her best friend. However, Gwen reconsiders when she later sees Paul dancing with Carol and she decides that she needs both of them in her life.

Finally, the crew is super excited when Captain Stubing is offered a job as the captain of the Lorelei, which is a legendary cruise ship. Though they don’t want to lose him, they do want Stubing to be happy so they spend the entire cruise telling the Lorelei’s owner (Hans Conreid) about what a great guy the Captain is. However, the Captain does not want to leave the Pacific Princess so he starts acting like a jerk in hope that the offer will be rescinded. When the Lorelei’s owner announces that Stubing is such a great captain that he’ll hire him even if he is a jerk, Stubing is forced to finally admit that he doesn’t want the job.

This was a weird episode. All of the stories felt as if they were only halfway written before filming started. The stuff with Gwen, Carol, and Paul felt especially strange, as there was really absolutely no reason for Gwen to change her mind about taking Paul back, beyond the fact that the story had to resolve itself somehow. The storyline about Dr. Akers was a bit more developed but Akers himself was such a jerk that it was hard to really care about him or his bitterness over Bricker having an enjoyable life. As for Captain Stubing’s storyline, it required Stubing to act in ways that were totally out-of-character for him. A Stubing who can’t speak his mind is not the Stubing that the viewers know.

Yeah, this was a weird cruise. I’m just glad everyone made it back home.