I Am The Pretty Thing That Lives In The House- Review By Case Wright

Posted on October 2, 2018 by casewright

IAM IAM

Welcome to the second day of October!!! Woohoo! There are a lot of great horror movies to watch and this is not one of them! HERE WE GO! I will only refer to this movie as I AM because the above is too much to write unless I create some shortcut key and I am NOT doing that….EVER!

This film is a sloooooow paced artsy haunted house film directed by Oz Perkins the son of Anthony Perkins of Psycho. The concept is that people die in homes and if they don’t have any outdoorsy interests, they remain in the domicile for eternity and mope about and not do much. Therefore, if you’re an introvert like a political activist on twitter who always takes offense, your spirit will NEVER leave your home and your wifi service will be cancelled….BWAHAHAHAHA!

The story revolves around Lily who is a scaredy cat hospice nurse who is assigned to take care of the dying formerly famous author Iris Blum. Iris calls Lily by the name of Polly throughout the film? Why? Because she was a terrible author. All she ever did was listen to this weird murder victim ghost name Polly and type out what she told her. I couldn’t live with myself if everyone thought I was a great writer, when I was actually just a stenographer.

In any case, Polly was murdered and put in the wall of the house back in the 1800s and ever since she kinda hangs out for no particular reason except to give hack-writers storylines. Why does Polly do this? I’m guessing because she lacked hobbies. There’s a lesson here…get outside! If you’re going to haunt something, do the Appalachian Trail or a library at least; otherwise, you have a very boring eternity ahead of you! Lily continues to take care of this dying author and she just doesn’t want to die. Iris does chit-chat A LOT and Lily is introvert enough to quietly listen. Honestly, Lily going into the great hereafter will likely not be a huge transition except for no copays for dental.

I would put this film in the elliptical watching category except it’s so quiet that you might need really good headphones. It does have Bob Balaban in the film who must’ve believed that he was auditioning to play a lamppost, but with less feeling. Of course, it’s hard to say if boredom wasn’t intentional! Maybe this was a brave choice on the part of Oz Perkins? For far too long, we, the viewer, have expected to be entertained or even have our attention captured. I would find some pharmaceutical or extra coffee to focus you while watching this or you’ll be looking up possible deductions for 2018 and miss some critical scene with an actor wandering around aimlessly.

I hope you are having a wonderful October. Stay Spooky, My Friends!

Horror on TV: The Twilight Zone 3.24 “To Serve Man” (dir by Richard L. Bare)

Posted on October 1, 2018 by Lisa Marie Bowman

“It’s a cookbook!”

During the month of October, we like to share classic episodes of horror-themed television. That was easier to do when we first started doing our annual October horrorthon here at the Shattered Lens because every single episode of the original, black-and-white Twilight Zone was available on YouTube. Sadly, that’s no longer the case. In fact, there is exactly one episode of the original Twilight Zone on YouTube.

Fortunately, that episode is a classic. In 1962’s To Serve Man, an alien (Richard Kiel) comes to Earth and invites people to return to his home planet with him. He leaves behind a book. When everyone learns that the title of the book is To Serve Man, they excitedly decide that the book must be an instruction manual on how to help mankind. The truth, as we learn in the episode’s classic finale, is something a little bit different.

Here’s the episode! Watch it before YouTube yanks it down.

(This episode originally aired on October 2nd, 1962. It was directed by Richard L. Bare from a script by Rod Serling. It was based on a short story by Damon Knight.)

Enjoy!

Guilty Pleasure No. 39: Ghost Whisperer

Posted on October 1, 2018 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Once upon a time, there were two shows about women who could speak with the dead.

One show ran from 2005 to 2011. It starred a future Oscar winner and, over the course of its run, it was nominated for a bunch of Emmys. It may have never been a huge hit but it received decent ratings and, even more importantly, it was a critically acclaimed. The show claimed to be based on fact and it took a low-key, procedural approach to its stories.

The second show ran from 2005 to 2010 and it starred a multiple Golden Globe nominee and it was never nominated for any major Emmys. (The first season, however, did receive a Teen Choice nomination.) Like the first show, it was never exactly a big hit, though it did have a loyal audience. Whereas the first show was acclaimed by critics, the second show was routinely dismissed. If the first show was subdued and low-key, this second show took the exact opposite approach.

The first show was called Medium.

The second show was called Ghost Whisperer.

I watched both of them and I can tell you that both had their strengths and their weaknesses. Medium was, at time, genuinely creepy and Patricia Arquette gave an admirably serious performance. At the same time, the show was often so serious that it was a bit of a drag to watch. You may have believed that Arquette could talk to the dead but you never really bought into the idea that they would want to talk to her or anyone else on the show. In short, Medium was good but it wasn’t much fun.

Ghost Whisperer, on the other hand…

Listen, I’m not even going to pretend that Ghost Whisperer was a great show. It was a frequently silly and over-the-top show. Jennifer Love Hewitt played Melinda Gordon, who lived in Grandview, New York and who owned an antique shop called — I kid you not — Same As It Never Was Antiques. The dead would come to Melinda because they still had feelings that needed to be resolved on Earth before they could cross over into the afterlife. Sometimes the ghosts were in denial. Sometimes they were rude, violent, and scary. Sometimes they were just mildly quirky. But they always ended up happy that Melinda was able to find a way for them to move on. Over the course of five seasons, the show developed both the quirkiness of the town and the mythology behind the ghosts themselves. We learned about the Watchers and the Shadows and the Shinies and the Book of Changes. We also learned a bit about Melinda’s history. Season 3 ended with Melinda helping her deceased father go into the light and you better believe I cried.

If Medium was an often dour, somber, and deliberately frumpy show, Ghost Whisperer was bright, fun, and unapologetically glamorous. While poor Patricia Arquette always seemed to be carrying the entire weight of the world on her shoulders, Jennifer Love Hewitt always appeared to be having a blast playing Melinda. While she may not have been as good as an actress as Patricia Arquette, Jennifer Love Hewitt always brought just enough natural enthusiasm to the role that she could make even the most hackneyed of dialogue believable. When I looked over some of the reviews of Ghost Whisperer’s first season, the immediate thing that I noticed was that many of the critics (in particular, the male critics) were obsessed with pointing out that Jennifer Love Hewitt was continually dressed and filmed in such a way to emphasize her breasts, as if there’s some sort of crime in being proud of what you have. But for me, as someone who shares the struggle of trying to find cute clothes for big boobs, it was empowering that Melinda didn’t hide her body, her personality, or her beliefs. As played by Hewitt, Melinda was confident, outspoken, and unapologetic. Yes, she dressed a certain way. Yes, she looked a certain way. Yes, she believed that she could help ghosts cross over. And if anyone had a problem with it, so what? Melinda was a role model who never really got her due. If I ever find myself speaking to ghosts, I hope that I handle it half as well as Melinda did.

Ghost Whisperer ended in 2010 and Medium ended in 2011. Medium may have been nominated for more awards but guess which one I’ll always make a point to watch in syndication?

Previous Guilty Pleasures

Here Are The 70th Annual Emmy Winners!

Posted on September 17, 2018 by Lisa Marie Bowman

To be honest, I didn’t actually watch the Emmys this year. For one thing, I was upset that Twin Peaks was not nominated for Best Limited Series and I was even more upset that Kyle MacLachlan was totally overlooked. It’s hard for me to take seriously an awards show that snubs Twin Peaks but honors Alec Baldwin’s uninspired Donald Trump impersonation.

However, I did kind of follow the ceremony on twitter. I was happy, for instance, to learn that Bill Hader and Henry Winkler won for Barry and that Thandie Newton won for Westworld. The Emmy that should have gone to Twin Peaks went to The Assassination of Gianni Verscace, which was good but uneven. (The first five episodes were brilliant. The final three felt somewhat superfluous.) Ryan Murphy beat David Lynch for Best Director. I mean, what the Hell?

Anyway, here’s the winners!

Best Comedy: “The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel” (Amazon)

Best Drama:“Game of Thrones” (HBO)

Best Limited Series: “The Assassination of Gianni Versace: American Crime Story” (FX)

Best Actress, Comedy: Rachel Brosnahan, “The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel”

Best Actor, Comedy: Bill Hader, “Barry”

Best Actress, Drama: Claire Foy, “The Crown”

Best Actor, Drama: Matthew Rhys, “The Americans”

Supporting Actress, Drama: Thandie Newton, “Westworld”

Supporting Actor, Drama: Peter Dinklage, “Game of Thrones”

Supporting Actress, Comedy: Alex Borstein, “The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel”

Supporting Actor, Comedy: Henry Winkler, “Barry”

Best Actress, Limited Series or TV Movie: Regina King, “Seven Seconds”

Best Actor, Limited Series or TV Movie: Darren Criss, “The Assassination of Gianni Versace: American Crime Story”

Supporting Actress, Limited Series or a Movie: Merritt Wever, “Godless”

Supporting Actor, Limited Series or Movie: Jeff Daniels, “Godless”

*Television Movie: “Black Mirror: USS Callister” (Netflix)

Variety Sketch Series: “Saturday Night Live” (NBC)

Variety Talk Series: “Last Week Tonight With John Oliver”(HBO)

Reality Competition Program: “RuPaul’s Drag Race” (VH1)

*Reality Host: RuPaul, “RuPaul’s Drag Race”

*Structured Reality Program: “Queer Eye” (Netflix)

*Unstructured Reality Program: “United Shades Of America With W. Kamau Bell” (CNN)

*Guest Actress, Drama: Samira Wiley, “The Handmaid’s Tale”

*Guest Actor, Drama: Ron Cephas Jones, “This Is Us”

*Guest Actress, Comedy: Tiffany Haddish, “Saturday Night Live”

*Guest Actor, Comedy: Katt Williams, “Atlanta”

*Documentary or Nonfiction Series: “Wild Wild Country” (Netflix)

*Animated Program: “Rick And Morty” (Adult Swim)

Writing for a Comedy Series: Amy Sherman-Palladino, “The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel” (Pilot)

Writing for a Drama Series: Joel Fields & Joe Weisberg, “The Americans” (“Start”)

Writing for a Limited Series, Movie or Drama: William Bridges & Charlie Brooker, “Black Mirror: USS Callister”

Directing for a Comedy Series: Amy Sherman-Palladino, “The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel” (Pilot)

Directing for a Drama Series: Stephen Daldry, “The Crown” (“Paterfamilias”)

Directing for a Limited Series: Ryan Murphy, “The Assassination Of Gianni Versace: American Crime Story” (“The Man Who Would Be Vogue”)

*Directing for a Variety Series: Don Roy King, “Saturday Night Live” (Host: Donald Glover)

Writing for a Variety Special: John Mulaney, “John Mulaney: Kid Gorgeous At Radio City”

Directing for a Variety Special: Glenn Weiss, “The Oscars”

*Awards presented during the Creative Arts Emmy ceremony on Sept. 8-9.

Jack Ryan (Season 1) Review by Case Wright

Posted on September 9, 2018 by casewright

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There are two types of streaming television series: Get a sitter and watch in rapt silence with your SO and friends and Elliptical and/or Hangover Television. Jack Ryan is in the latter category. It’s a solid: NOT BAD. Ok, it was a little weird seeing Jack Ryan (John Krasinski) put Osama Bin Laden’s AK-47 in a Jello Mold, but I thought it was a nice call back. JK!

Jack Ryan has been a staple for nerds who like action for decades. Jack Ryan is a data analyst badass who defeats terrorism and rogue commies, in other words, fictional. He’s been in countless books, films, and video games. The only other character that gets this much media has to use The Force. In this iteration, Carlton Cuse of “Lost” fame takes a crack the characters.

Jack Ryan is a young Marine Vet turned CIA officer with PTSD. He is teamed up with Greer who in the books and previous iterations was a tough talking Admiral with shitty dialogue; whereas, in this version, Greer’s a down and out muslim CIA officer whose career is in decline after killing a Pakistani asset. They are on the hunt for the big bad: Sulieman.

Sulieman is the product of the American intervention in the Lebanese civil war in 1986, which…checks out. He is hell bent on causing all kinds of mayhem in America and abroad. They make a big show about how he was treated badly throughout his life- Boo hoo. I guess it was supposed to make him more human. I thought it made him really really whiny. So what, you didn’t get your dream job that gives you the right to blow everybody up?!

The big question most of my readers have: Did John Krasinski – Jim- have a passable performance as a super spy????? KINDA. He was pretty close at times, but was he held back by some purposely slowed down plot points. I will get to the derpy derp moments later, but really the season should’ve been 6 episodes instead of 8 because there were too many contrivances, which inhibited John’s performance. I have to write that he was in fact believable. I did not know what to expect, but he delivered a good performance.

What they got right:

Sleepless nights with PTSD and drinking too much. They portrayed that spot on. I thought, I’ve had those late nights. Ok, Pass!

The SEAL/Ranger team: I’ve known many Special Operators over the years and they are all real salt of the Earth types. They played those matter of fact tough guys perfectly. Ok, Pass!

The inherent turpitude of civilian government officials: Very good, they’re all presumptive Dirtbaggus Americanus. Ok, Pass!

The director building suspense? Yep, the direction was done quite well. No complaints.

What was so very dumb? NO F#@#!NG Way!!! NFW!!!! NFW!!!

1. They portrayed Jack Ryan as dealing PTSD, giving him pause to shoot his weapon. I get that, BUT he’s still a Marine. There’s a scene where he makes the decision to shoot and misses by a mile just so they could have fight scene later. This is just dumb. Marines are ALL crackshots. If you are in a Marine’s line of fire and he’s got a clear shot, you’re dust. When you see it, you’ll roll your eyes.

2. There’s a terrorist strike by Sulieman and he claims responsibility. They show his face being plastered on all television networks. He’s on tv more than Anderson Cooper. Then, with no face disguise, he’s NEVER recognized. We’re not talking just one time, but FIVE times at least. His face would’ve been burned in everyone’s memory. It was just dumb, lazy, and contrived to keep the villain the in the action.

3. A CIA Officer meets Sulieman’s wife and he just lets her walk away the same day as a major terror attack: NFW! Anyone who said that they knew an Osama equivalent would be sequestered and interrogated immediately, but it was obvious that they needed to pad the plot to squeeze three unnecessary episodes for story arc.

4. There’s a duo who are drone pilots that are just sort of shoehorned into the story for no reason at all. I couldn’t even figure out the message if drones were supposed to be good or bad. I left thinking… Man, drones work really well. Then, one of the drone pilots gets all guilty about a mistargeting incident and flies to Syria because ya know Active Duty Soldiers just get to go anywhere they like on leave…. NFW!!!!!!! Just think about it…we shouldn’t just get to go wherever we like. It’s dangerous for us and could lead to a Soldier getting compromised. NFW!

5. There’s a plot point where a doctor becomes aware of a biological threat and just sends an email. WHAAAA?! She would be calling everyone and their brother to report that because she’s supposed to be smart.

Is it worth watching?

Yes, yes it is. It’s got real problems in terms of story holes, but my hope is that Carlton Cuse learns from this. He can DM me if he likes. I’ll consult or script doctor for a very reasonable rate. Jack Ryan is great for watching on the Elliptical at the gym or if you’re hungover or something. It is NOT at this time get a babysitter and everyone be quiet television, but it is …. fun.

TV Series Review: Ghoul

Posted on August 31, 2018 by paddiesthoughts

poster

Cast:

Radhika Apte as Nida Rahim
Manav Kaul as Colonel Sunil Dacunha
S. M. Zaheer as Shahnawaz Rahim
Ratnabali Bhattacharjee as Lieutenant Laxmi Das
Mahesh Balraj as Ali Saeed
Mallhar Goenka as Babloo
Rohit Pathak as Captain Lamba
Robin Das as Maulvi (Muslim Cleric)

Plot:

Based in the Arabic folklore of the ghoul, a monster who can eat the flesh of another and take on its likeness. Set in a dystopian future where everything taught against the ruling class is punishable by any means necessary, Nida’s (Apte) father (Zaheer) is captured for just those crimes. Sentenced to a prison where the only possible outcome is death. Years later, Nida, after being recruited by a special force, is sent as a new recruit to that same prison as a guard and interrogator, only to find it has much darker secrets.

250px-Ghoul_-_2018_Poster

Quotes:

“Strike the deal with your blood….. and out of the smokeless fire…. The Ghul will come….”

“The near future. The country has changed. Sectarian violence has reached crisis point. Secret detention centers are established. A military clampdown is in effect.”

“You will not know its presence…. As it takes to your group…. Awake or asleep, The nightmares will begin…”

“Finish the task… Reveal their guilt… Eat their flesh…”

Review:

This, honestly, was one of the most intense, terrifying and horrific TV series I have ever watched. It seriously is not for the faint of heart. However, it also is one of the best written, acted and directed horror series I have seen in a long time. If you get a bit squeamish at intense horror, this might not be the series for you, but if you do love to be scared and on the edge of your seat for two and a half hours, this is the one for you.

Trailer:

Where can you watch?

The three part terrifying series is streaming on Netflix now.

Guilty Pleasure No. 38: Shipping Wars

Posted on August 22, 2018 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Do you remember Shipping Wars?

It’s okay if you don’t. I have to admit that, up until yesterday, I had pretty much forgotten about it. Shipping Wars was a reality show that aired, for three years, on A&E. From 2012 to 2015, the show followed independent contractors as they transported various weird things across America. It was produced by the same people who did Storage Wars and, like that show, a good deal of emphasis was put on the various contractors competing against each other to get the biggest contracts and secure the most profitable paydays. As I said, I had pretty much forgotten about the show until yesterday. That’s when I came across a Shipping Wars marathon on the FYI channel and I was immediately reminded of just how addictive this stupid show could be.

A typical episode of Shipping Wars would open with all of the shippers (as they were called) hanging out in their trucks and staring at their laptops. All of them competed for shipments in timed auctions held on uShip.com. (Basically, the entire show was a commercial for uShip but I’m too much of a capitalist to care.) Typically, each episode featured two auctions. Once the shipper had won their auction, it was then up to them to transport their cargo to a new location without destroying it or arriving late. That may sound simple enough but it was rare that anyone managed to pull of either one of those requirements. That can only mean that it’s either really difficult to transport stuff or that all of the shipper on Shipping Wars were amazingly incompetent.

Of course, the camera crew would follow each shipper as they made their journey. The shippers who did not win the auction would randomly pop up to offer up sarcastic commentary on how their rival was doing. The commentary was notable for how thoroughly petty it often got. For instance, if a shipper got caught in a rain storm, you could just bet that someone would remark, “It looks like your approval rating’s about to go underwater.” If a truck got a flat tire, the commentary would usually be something like, “Way to check your tires before getting out on the road, dumbass!” What they shippers lacked in wit, they made up for in pure spite.

Spite defined most episodes of Shipping Wars. One of the remarkable things about that show is that absolutely no one ever appeared to be in a good mood. It wasn’t just the shippers who seemed to be terminally annoyed. The people shipping the stuff often seemed to have an attitude. The people who received the stuff almost always turned out to be jerks who tried to get out of paying the full amount that they had agreed to pay. And the shippers themselves were always in a thoroughly crappy mood. Roy Gabler, one of the most prominent of the shippers, was infamous for referring to almost everyone he met as being an idiot. Shipping Wars presents a portrait of America where everyone has a chip on their shoulder and absolutely no one ever bothers to say thank you. Since I hate the forced sentimentality of most reality shows, I’ve always appreciated the fact that literally everyone in Shipping Wars was just out for themselves.

The other fun thing about Shipping Wars was seeing some of the things that needed to be transported. One of my favorite episodes featured a wedding cake that was driven across country in an unrefrigerated trailer. Needless to say, the cake did not survive the trip. The previously mentioned Roy Gabler had an affinity for transporting weird things, like classic movie props and, in one episode, a water tower. Nothing fazed Roy. No matter what he was transporting, he was always equally annoyed.

Unfortunately, Roy died shortly before the start of what would be the show’s last season. Shipping Wars never recovered from the loss of Roy’s perpetually annoyed tone of voice and it was canceled in 2015. As I discovered last night, you can see reruns on FYI. Or maybe you can just go on uShip and ask if anyone’s willing to move a cursed house from Texas to Vermont.

That should get their attention!

(For the record, the above clip is a parody but it still perfectly captures the feeling of Shipping Wars.)

Previous Guilty Pleasures

“How It Ends” A Netflix Film Reviewed By Case Wright – Some Spoilers

Posted on August 18, 2018 by casewright

How-it-ends

How It Ends is a horror/thriller from Netflix and if you don’t watch, Netflix will probably make you. The story begins with Will, an up and coming lawyer who is seeing the ultrasound of his soon to be son with beloved Samantha. Will is sweet, but the least manly man to ever unmanly. He’s wound tight, nervous, and hyper-insecure. Will needs to get Sam’s father Tom (Forest Whitaker) to give his blessing so Will and Sam can wed. Will flies from the greatest city on Earth- Seattle to a totally ok City of Chicago to see Tom.

We meet Tom and his wife. Tom is everything Sam is not. Tom was a career Marine, manly, confident, and determined. During the dinner, Tom does everything, but say to Will- You are a wimpy worthless un-man. Tom’s response is both whiny and defensive. It’s just all kinds of awful. Then, the power goes out nationwide with F-22s buzzing around Chicago AND all communications are down as well nationwide. Tom asks if Will rise to the occasion and road trip to Seattle to find/rescue Sam.

I know, I know… this sounds like Taken et al, but it’s not. It becomes a Father (in-Law) and Son survival story and we watch Will become a Man. They leave in Tom’s Cadillac and hit the road to Seattle. Immediately, they find that they cannot stay on the main roads to get there because rednecks try to steal their car at the first rest stop and then an escaped convict tries to murder them. This is within the first half hour of this very action packed show and we still don’t know what caused the catastrophe. We get hints, but it’s not Aliens …. I don’t think. Frankly, I’m still not totally sure of all of the details of the disaster even now.

They decide to stay off the main roads and team up with a teen who has mechanical skills. Along the way, people are trying to murder them for gas and supplies. The teen that goes with them becomes part of Will and Tom tribe for a short time and has to kill to protect her new tribe. Unfortunately, this is too much for the teenager to accept and she abandons Will and Tom to find her way forward alone. It’s a very accurate depiction of societal breakdown. During Katrina, towns setup armed checkpoints to prevent looting and mayhem. I had friends in Mississippi during Katrina and they did exactly that. They needed to shut ingress and egress from their communities to survive and they did so. The communities acted like a tribe would.

Will has to learn how to shoot, drive and shoot, do a chest-tube, read people, give up trust, and murder. We watch him change from a spineless nerd to a confident leader who will readily kill to protect his tribe. During Will’s transformation, the tribal bond between Will and Tom becomes as strong as steel. It’s a story that gets to the very foundation of what family does and what it means to be part of a tribe. The moment the lights go out, we will go from Facebook likes to being real tribal humans again.

When Will gets to Seattle, it’s heartbreaking. Seattle is totally destroyed….sniff. It just gets you. Even the Clink…The Home of my Beloved Seahawks is gone. THE PAIN, THE PAIN! It’s like 2015 all over again! Will’s beloved is gone, but she left a note for her coordinates. Therefore, Will has to go back on the road to find her and save her from whomever.

Will finds Sam with a neighbor Randy who is at his mountain lodge getaway. Randy is the epitome of our current society. He is a wealthy-techie-know-it-all-socially-awkward-creep who thinks that all of his thoughts are facts. He believes that in this new society he will continue to be on top and he tries to take Sam as his own. Not so fast, the world has changed- sorry the power was down forever so no more facebook updates for you. Life has reverted back to a tribe-based system and Randy is left behind literally into dust.

I would recommend this film because it has tremendous suspense and dares to show us what we’ve lost trading our friendships for likes and retweets. You never really know what caused the disaster because that is not the story. The story is about the immediate reemergence of tribal life and how it enables people to determine rapidly who is a friend and who is a foe. In essence, the film challenges us to see a possible positive to this new reality. People are closer and snakes like Randy are easily identified and remedied for the good of the tribe. We still survive, but we have to do it as human beings.

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Let’s Watch Zydereen of Neptune!

Posted on June 24, 2018 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, the Late Night Movie Gang and I watched Zydereen of Neptune!

Never heard of Zydereen of Neptune? Well, don’t feel bad. It’s not really a movie. Instead, it’s three episodes of an old 1950s TV series that someone edited together. According to The Complete Directory to Prime Time Network TV Shows, Flash Gordon aired in 1954 on a now defunct network called DuMont. The eponymous space hero was played by Steve Holland, a clean-cut model with an impressive head of hair. On the show, Flash was a member of the GBI, which is like a galactic version of the FBI. Working with him was scientist and love interest Dale Arden (Irene Champlin) and scientist and non-love interest Dr. Zarkov (Joseph Nash). Flash was not a scientist but he had really nice hair. Did I mention that?

(Seriously, the Late Night Movie Gang estimated that Flash was 90% hair spray.)

Anyway, in three episodes, Flash and the GBI had to defeat the machinations of Zydereen (Marie Powers), an evil witch who lived on Neptune and who yearned to escape and take over the universe. She caused quite a bit of panic on Neptune, the majority of which, according to Wikipedia, was portrayed via stock footage of a 1953 anti-communist demonstration by citizens of East Berlin. Having been made in 1954, it’s not surprising that Flash’s struggle to keep the universe safe feels a lot like America’s effort to keep the world safe from communism.

I was fulling expecting to be dismissive of this low-budget television show-turned-movie but actually, I enjoyed it. From the threadbare production values to the grainy stock footage to the model rocket that crossed the screen whenever Flash was on a mission, there was an undeniable charm to the film’s low budget aesthetic. Steve Holland grew on me as well. At first, he seemed like a stiff but by the 30 minute mark of the film (or the second episode, if you will), Holland seemed a lot more comfortable with the role. If nothing else, he had really impressive hair. (Did I already mention that?)

Plus, Marie Powers was a good villain. Again, it helps to remember that she was playing a space witch on a low-budget TV series that was mainly aimed at children. As a result, neither she nor her schemes are particularly subtle but who cares? It was right for the show.

As I’ve said many times in the past, I’m a history nerd. And, if nothing else, Zydereen of Neptune was definitely a piece of history!

Want to watch it? Well, here it is:

What The Hell Did Lisa Watched Last Night #182: The Proposal Episode 1

Posted on June 19, 2018 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Though I’m really hesitant to admit it and I’ll probably deny it if anyone asks me in the future, last night I watched the first episode of the new ABC “reality dating” show, The Proposal. How soul-searingly bad was The Proposal? It was so bad that I am now convinced that not only is our current world about to end but also whatever world comes along to replace it is probably doomed as well.

Why Was I Watching It?

Because I’m an idiot.

What Was It About?

If you’ve ever watched The Bachelor, you know that it’s pretty much a tradition for the women (and the men, in the case of The Bachelorette) to announce that they can see themselves marrying the Bachelor after only knowing him for three days. Of course, the audience at home always rolls their eyes when they say that. We know they’ve probably been pressured to say that by the show’s producers, just like we know that there’s little chance that anyone on the show’s actually going to end up getting married to anyone else on the show. It’s a fantasy and it’s kinda fun to get lost in it.

Well, The Proposal is basically The Bachelor on cheap steroids. Now, instead of taking a whole three days to fall in love, The Proposal suggests that it can be done in an hour! Woo hoo!

Here’s how last night’s show worked. A man named Mike was sitting in a pod, hidden from the view of the audience. Host Jesse Palmer assured us that Mike was a good guy and a police officer who deserved a good wife. We were also told that, as the result of getting hit by a drunk driver, Mike lost part of his right leg but he was still an athlete who loved to go on hikes. The message was clear: “If you think what’s happening is totally regressive and problematic, then you’re a terrible person who is saying that a one-legged first responder doesn’t deserve a chance at happiness.”

Ten heartbreakingly insecure women were brought out on stage. While wearing swimsuits, each one made a pitch to Mike (who, keep in mind, was hidden from view the whole time). Mike proceeded to cut five girls, all of whom were promptly ordered to get off the stage. Mike then asked the five remaining girls a question. Based on their answers, two girls were cut and three were left on stage.

From the beginning, it was obvious that the final three were going to be Jessica, Monica, and Kendal. Jessica and Monica were the most attractive while Kendal was the only one who had a real job. In fact, Kendal was a neuropsychologist who spoke movingly about how happy it made her to help stroke victims. Given Mike’s own stated to desire to want to inspire people and create something good from his accident, Kendal seemed like the perfect choice…

Until, Mike’s best friend, Andrew, asked some questions! Andrew wanted to know if the women were interested in having children. Kendal said that she didn’t want to have children. The audience gasped in horror and Kendal got this panicked look on her face. Oh my God, I’ve missed out on my chance to get proposed to by a man I’ve never seen before because I was honest about not wanting to have children!

Mike announced that the final two would be Monica and Jessica. Sorry, Kendal! I guess you should have lied until you got that ring!

Once Kendal was gone, the pod opened and Mike emerged. Everyone breathed a sign of relief as Mike turned out to be a generically handsome guy who basically looked like a cop. (He even sported the shaved head look that is oddly popular among police officers.) At this point, I was sure that Monica and Jessica would get a chance to ask a question but no. That’s not the way The Proposal works. The fact that Mike looked like he might be distantly related to Wentworth Miller was good enough. There was no need to know how he voted or if he was religious or if he drank or anything else. Instead, Moncia and Jessica were sent backstage to work on their final plea and change into a nicer outfit.

After a commercial break, both Jessica and Monica returned and made their final pleas but it didn’t really matter what they had to say. Mike was staring at Monica even while Jessica was talking. Mike announced that he had been smitten with Monica from the first time he saw her an hour ago. He got down on his one knee and proposed to her. She said yes. While Jessica silently headed backstage, Monica and Mike shared their first kiss.

“You’re a wonderful kisser,” she told her bald pod person, before adding, “Just wait until later!”

What Worked

Oh God.

Actually, let’s give credit where credit is due. The off-stage announcer was properly snarky as each women was introduced. The tone basically said, “Yeah, I can’t believe this is actually happening, either.”

Plus, I had a lot of fun live tweeting the event! My anxiety was acting up something awful all day yesterday but making fun of The Proposal on twitter helped me calm down.

What Did Not Work

Every single moment of this show was icky and regressive. Imagine The Bachelor without any of The Bachelor‘s goofy charm and you’ve got The Proposal.

“OH MY GOD! Just like me!” Moments

None. Absolutely none. Well, okay — I did relate to the women’s obvious terror when, at the beginning of the show, they were forced to walk down a steep staircase in high heels. I’m amazed that everyone made it down safely.

Lessons Learned

The world is doomed.

Also, I’ll apparently watch anything. What’s really sad is I know I’m probably going to watch next week’s episode, too.