I Am The Pretty Thing That Lives In The House- Review By Case Wright


IAM IAM

Welcome to the second day of October!!! Woohoo! There are a lot of great horror movies to watch and this is not one of them!  HERE WE GO!  I will only refer to this movie as I AM because the above is too much to write unless I create some shortcut key and I am NOT doing that….EVER!

This film is a sloooooow paced artsy haunted house film directed by Oz Perkins the son of Anthony Perkins of Psycho.  The concept is that people die in homes and if they don’t have any outdoorsy interests, they remain in the domicile for eternity and mope about and not do much.  Therefore, if you’re an introvert like a political activist on twitter who always takes offense, your spirit will NEVER leave your home and your wifi service will be cancelled….BWAHAHAHAHA!

The story revolves around Lily who is a scaredy cat hospice nurse who is assigned to take care of the dying formerly famous author Iris Blum.  Iris calls Lily by the name of Polly throughout the film?  Why?  Because she was a terrible author. All she ever did was listen to this weird murder victim ghost name Polly and type out what she told her.  I couldn’t live with myself if everyone thought I was a great writer, when I was actually just a stenographer.

In any case, Polly was murdered and put in the wall of the house back in the 1800s and ever since she kinda hangs out for no particular reason except to give hack-writers storylines.  Why does Polly do this? I’m guessing because she lacked hobbies.  There’s a lesson here…get outside! If you’re going to haunt something, do the Appalachian Trail or a library at least; otherwise, you have a very boring eternity ahead of you!  Lily continues to take care of this dying author and she just doesn’t want to die.  Iris does chit-chat A LOT and Lily is introvert enough to quietly listen.  Honestly, Lily going into the great hereafter will likely not be a huge transition except for no copays for dental.

I would put this film in the elliptical watching category except it’s so quiet that you might need really good headphones.  It does have Bob Balaban in the film who must’ve believed that he was auditioning to play a lamppost, but with less feeling.  Of course, it’s hard to say if boredom wasn’t intentional! Maybe this was a brave choice on the part of Oz Perkins?  For far too long, we, the viewer, have expected to be entertained or even have our attention captured.  I would find some pharmaceutical or extra coffee to focus you while watching this or you’ll be looking up possible deductions for 2018 and miss some critical scene with an actor wandering around aimlessly.

I hope you are having a wonderful October.  Stay Spooky, My Friends!

Here’s What Won At The Golden Globes!


Film Awards

Best Film (Drama) — Boyhood

Best Drama Actor — Eddie Redmayne in The Theory of Everything

Best Drama Actress — Julianne Moore in Still Alice

Best Film (Comedy) — The Grand Budapest Hotel

Best Comedy Actor — Michael Keaton in Birdman

Best Comedy Actress — Amy Adams in Big Eyes

Best Supporting Actor — J.K. Simmons in Whiplash

Best Supporting Actress — Patricia Arquette in Boyhood

Best Director — Richard Linklater for Boyhood

Best Screenplay — Birdman

Best Animated Feature — How To Train Your Dragon 2

Best Score — The Theory of Everything

Best Original Song — “Glory” from Selma

TV Awards

Best Drama Series — The Affair

Best Drama Actor — Kevin Spacey in House of Cards

Best Drama Actress — Ruth Wilson in The Affair

Best Comedy Series — Transparent

Best Comedy Actor — Jeffrey Tambor in Transparent

Best Comedy Actress — Gina Rodriguez in Jane the Virgin

Best TV Movie/Limited Series — Fargo

Best TV Movie/Limited Series Actor — Billy Bob Thornton in Fargo

Best TV Movie/Limited Series Actress — Maggie Gyllenhaal in The Honourable Woman

Best TV Supporting Actor — Matt Bomer in The Normal Heart

Best TV Supporting Actress — Joanne Froggatt in Downton Abbey

Trash Film Guru Vs. The Summer Blockbusters : “The Lone Ranger”


poster1

 

It all seemed like such a no-brainer, didn’t it?

Disney snaps up the cinematic rights to the most famous Western hero of them all — one that hasn’t been “rebooted” since 1981’s disastrous Legend Of The Lone Ranger — and turns it over, naturally enough, to Jerry Bruckheimer, who “gets the band back together,” so to speak, by hiring Gore Verbinski to direct and Johnny Depp to star as Tonto. Pirates Of The Caribbean Goes West, anyone?

It goes without saying that budget wouldn’t be a concern here — special effects, production values, sets and costumes — all would be state-of-the-state-of-the-art. Turn it loose on the public over the extended July 4th holiday weekend, sit back, and collect all that cold, hard cash. What could possibly go wrong? This was fool-proof.

Except for the fact that, well, it hasn’t been. The Lone Ranger has landed at the box office with a thud — not as big a thud as it did back in ’81, but a thud nonetheless. The critics seem to despise it, and while audiences have been considerably kinder in their appraisal of the film, they haven’t been large enough for Disney to come anywhere close to recouping their considerable investment in this rapidly-unfurling boondoggle.

All of which is kind of a shame because, as with last year’s panned (but considerably more successful at the box office) Men In Black 3, I honestly can’t figure out where all the hate is coming from. Simply put, The Lone Ranger is a damn fun movie, full of exactly the kind of kick-ass, jaw-dropping CGI, solid “out for justice” storytelling, tight, pacy plotting, and charismatic acting that makes for a sure-fire crowd-pleaser. Even if the crowds aren’t proving to be all that big.

Not exactly a “revisionist” take on the legend of John Reid (confidently played by Armie Hammer), a Texas Ranger who, when his life is turned tragically upside-down, dons a mask and adopts a new persona. this flick nevertheless provides a different spin on things by telling the tale from the point of view of an older, wiser, and maybe even somewhat broken-down Tonto (Johnny Depp in, quite honestly, one of the finest performances of his career), who earlier in life threw his lot in with Reid to bring to justice the source of all our hero’s troubles, renegade quasi-militia leader Butch Cavendish (William Fichtner, who makes for a terrific bad guy) and ,more generally, to put a stop to all the various shenanigans this good-for-nothing had a hand in.

If this sounds like your idea of a simple-minded, non-stop thrill ride full of all the excitement, adventure, humor, and yes, even human drama that you want in summertime popcorn fare, rest assured — it is. Good supporting turns from the likes of Helena Bonham Carter, Tom Wilkinson, and Ruth Wilson don’t hurt matters any, either.

Yeah, there are some gaping plot holes large enough for an entire herd of cattle to stampede through, but has that stopped folks from liking, say, World War Z or Man Of Steel, both of which are at least as guilty of counting on you to put your suspension of disbelief completely on hold for a couple of hours? If you can do it for them, surely you can do it for this, right?

Look, I won’t kid you — some small, petty, vengeful little corner of my dark and twisted soul is always happy to see a mega-budget Disney project end up costing the studio untold millions in losses. They’re bastards and they deserve it. But truth be told, if you join the legions of people who have already evidently decided to take a pass on The Lone Ranger, you’re not hurting the evil empire much — they’ve already got Monsters University to more than compensate for any bite this takes from their corporate balance sheet. The only thing you’re really doing by skipping it, then,  is robbing yourself of a good time.

It’s summer! Get out there and have some fun — by sitting on your ass in a cool, air-conditioned mega-plex and catching what’s most likely the best action-adventure film of the year so far.