Retro Television Reviews: T. and T. 1.1 “Extortion in Chinatown” and 1.2 “Mug Shot”

Posted on August 11, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing T. and T., a Canadian show which ran in syndication from 1987 to 1990. The show can be found on Tubi!

Now that we’ve finished up The Master, it’s time to review a new show on Fridays. After much thought, I’ve decided to go with a Canadian show called T. and T., which featured Rocky III‘s Mr. T as an ex-con turned private investigator who worked for a crusading lawyer named Amy Thaler (Alex Amini). Why did he work for Amy? Let’s let the opening credits explain things:

The show was also produced in Canada for their Global Television Network but it aired in syndication in the United States and, despite the fact that it was technically a drama, each episode was only 30 minutes long. So, feel free to think of T. and T. as being a part of the Degrassi Cinematic Universe.

Episode 1.1 “Extortion in Chinatown”

(Directed by Doug Williams, originally aired on January 11th, 1988)

“In this episode, an extortion ring turns up the heat in Chinatown. It’s up to Amy and me to put out the fire!”

So begins the first episode of T and T, with Mr. T gruffly telling us what’s going to happen in the episode that we’re about to see. This is followed by the opening credits, in which we get the backstory about how T.S. Turner (Mr. T) was thrown in prison for a crime he didn’t commit and how Amy Taler (Alex Amini) got him released so that he could work for her as a private investigator. It’s a good thing that the opening credits tell us all that because the episode itself doesn’t provide any sort of backstory for T.S. or Amy. If you were a viewer who missed the opening credits, you would have no idea why T.S. and Amy were working together. To be honest, I’m a bit confused by the conditions of T.S.’s release. It sounds like he was released specifically so he could work with Amy. So, if Amy fires him, does that mean T.S. goes back to jail?

While leaving court, T.S. and Amy are approached by their teenage friend, Renee (Rachael Crawford), who introduces them to her friend, Kin Ling (Wayne Lam). Kin explains that his father, Ho Ling (Harvey Chao), owns a grocery store in the city’s Asian district but that he is being extorted by a gangster named Quang (Leonard Chow). Unfortunately, the Lings are undocumented and fearful of going to the authorities. While Amy tries to make a deal with the prosecutor’s office to keep the Lings from being deported, T.S. confronts Quang at his health club. T.S. tells Quang to back off so Quang sends his thugs down to a gym owned by T.S.’s friend, Decker (David Nerman). When T.S. sees that Decker has been beaten up, he decides to confront Quang at his office.

“A couple of your boys took their chopsticks to a friend of mine, didn’t do his health no good!” T.S. explains to Quang. Quang throws a ninja star at T.S., which causes T.S. to pass out. Quang’s men stuff T.S. in the trunk of their car and drive out to a river so that they can dump his body. However, it turns out that T.S. has woken up in the trunk and, as soon as they stop the car, T.S. bursts out of the trunk and tosses Quang’s men into river.

“I can’t swim!” one of them shouts.

“Then surf!” T.S. snaps back.

T.S. returns to Ling’s shop, just in time to capture Quang and to save the shop from being blown up. (It’s a good thing he did, since both Amy and Ho Ling were tied up in the shop.)

“Mr. Quang,” T.S. says, “Don’t you know what is taken by force is lost by force? So, take a long look around you because it’s going to be a long time before you see this place again!”

Later, at the courthouse, Amy informs Ho Ling that he was now have “official status” in Canada. “Welcome aboard, brother,” T.S. adds.

This was an odd first episode. You would expect the show to start with Amy getting T.S. out of jail and maybe some sort of explanation about how T.S. is now going to work as her private investigator. Instead, as the show opens, it appears that Amy and T.S. have been partners for a while and there’s very little said about either one’s backstory. As an introduction to the characters, the show failed but perhaps the backstory doesn’t matter when the star of the show is a performer like Mr. T. As for show’s actual plot, it was a bit predictable and Quang was not exactly an intimidating villain but, with only a 30-minute running time, at least the action moved quickly.

Episode 1.2 “Mug Shot”

(Directed by George Mihalka, originally aired on January 25th, 1988)

“In this episode,” Mr. T informs us, “an innocent picture turns into a deadly situation as Amy and I get a lesson in photography.”

Sounds like fun!

“He sings pretty good but he just don’t rap! And rappin’ is where it’s at! Can you dig it?” is what Mr. T has to say when Amy asks him if he’s ever heard of a singer named Adam Dalton (Mark Holmes). Dalton’s manager, Sam Roman (Rex Hagon), is suing Amy’s newest client, photographer Kate Richardson (Marnie McPhail). Roman is suing for two million dollars because he wants possession of some pictures that Kate took of Dalton. Kate is insulted that Roman is only willing to pay $5,000 for them.

Amy and Turner investigate why Roman is so determined to get those pictures and it turns out that is has nothing to do with Adam Dalton. In fact, Dalton turns out to be a nice guy who takes Amy out to dinner and then insists on helping T.S. solve the case. Instead, it turns out Kate took some pictures of the owner of a trucking company mere moments before he was murdered by a bunch of union goons. Evil union boss Gallagher (Terry Harford) is pressuring Roman to get the pictures. Take that, North American labor movement!

It may seem like a big case but, due to the show’s 30 minute run time, it’s resolved quickly. Gallagher tries to attack Kate and Amy at Kate’s studio. T.S. grabs him and tosses him through a door in slow motion. Kate is so grateful that she gives T.S. a camera and Adam and Amy go to lunch. Awwww!

This episode opened with a really fun scene in which Adam filmed a music video while surrounded by dancers who were holding plastic tommy guns. And I actually enjoyed the scenes of the gruff T.S. Turner having to deal with the perpetually enthusiastic Adam. That said, this is an episode that really would have benefitted from an extra 30 minutes. The mystery was kind of intriguing but the resolution ultimately felt a bit too rushed.

Next week, T.S. confronts the man who framed him!

Retro Television Reviews: City Guys 5.21 “Anchors Aweigh” and 5.22 “Video Killed The Radio Star”

Posted on August 10, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Thursdays, I will be reviewing City Guys, which ran on NBC from 1997 to 2001. Almost the entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

This week, Ms. Noble is finally retiring!

Episode 5.21 “Anchors Aweigh”

(Dir by Frank Bonner, originally aired on November 24th, 2001)

Here’s this episode’s plot description, via Wikipedia:

The time for Ms. Noble’s retirement and the gang’s graduation is drawing near and everybody is excited, except for Dawn. Witnessing the preparation for next year and the new changes being made at the school makes Dawn uneasy. She begins to become anxious about moving on from Manny High and the thought of being apart from her friends when they all go their separate ways in the fall.

Ms. Noble’s retiring? It’s about damn time! I mean, I understand that Ms. Noble didn’t have much of a life outside of telling people who to do but still, it seems like it would get boring after a while. Then again, maybe she was just retiring so she could follow the Chris and Jamal to college and continue to yell at them for not devoting more time to church and charity. As for Dawn’s feelings, I can relate. I felt the same way when I graduated high school.

Unfortunately, there are many season 5 episodes that are not available to stream and this is one of them. So, this is as good a review as this episode is going to get. Let’s move on to an episode that actually be reviewed.

Episode 5.22 “Video Killed The Radio Star”

(Directed by Frank Bonner, originally aired on November 24th, 2001)

No, your eyes are not deceiving you! Because Ms. Noble is retiring, the graduating class of Manny High decided to pool their money and put a cheap-looking bust of her in front of the school. Ms. Noble is certainly excited but seriously, in what world would this happen? Graduation is coming up. People are making plans to either go to college or get a job. Everyone should be moving on from high school and instead, the students are spending their money on a statue of their principal? Who, in the world, loves their principal this much!?

Now, it should be noted that someone does immediately starts vandalizing the statue, which is perhaps the most realistic thing that has ever happened on City Guys. At first, the statue is covered in clown make up. Then someone puts an Abraham Lincoln beard on it. Finally, Ms. Noble spends the night in the courtyard, pretends to be her own statue, and discovers that Al and L-Train are behind the vandalism because, of course, they are. It’s not like there’s any other students at the school.

As dumb as the whole statue subplot is, it’s nowhere near as bad as this episode’s A-plot. Ms. Noble tells Chris and Jamal that there is an opening to produce a television show for Manny High. (Manny High has a television studio?) Chris and Jamal both say that they don’t need to be on TV as long as they have their radio show. Instead, Dawn, Cassidy, Al, and L-Train end up producing an abomination called Muffy The Werewolf Slapper.

Yes, Muffy is meant to be a parody of Buffy The Vampire Slayer. And yes, everyone at Manny High loves it even though it’s not that funny. (Dawn and Cassidy plays cheerleaders who love Freddie Prinze, Jr. and fighting werewolves. L-Train and Al are the werewolves who just want to date Dawn and Cassidy.) Unfortunately, since Muffy airs at the same time as Chris and Jamal’s radio show, Chris and Jamal lose all of their listeners. (I’ve always been stunned at the idea of anyone setting their schedule around Chris and Jamal’s tired radio schtick.) Feeling jealous, Chris and Jamal sabotage the recording of an episode of Muffy. Feeling guilty, they confess on the radio and then appear on the next episode of Muffy, playing two cheerleaders who try to steal Al and L-Train away from the werewolf slappers.

It was dumb. The whole thing was just mind-numbingly dumb. Watching these final episodes of City Guys, one gets the idea that everyone involved in the show mentally checked out long before shooting their final episode.

Speaking of final episodes, it’s only two weeks away! Finally, some good news.

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 2.27 “Third Wheel/Grandmother’s Day/Second String Mom”

Posted on August 9, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, the second season of The Love Boat comes to a close.

Episode 2.27 “Third Wheel/Grandmother’s Day/Second String Mom”

(Dir by Gordon Farr, originally aired on May 12th, 1979)

It’s time for a special Mother’s Day cruise!

Gopher is excited because his mother, Roz (Ethel Merman), and his father, Eliot (an unwell-looking Robert Cummings), will be on the ship. As quickly becomes clear, Gopher takes after his mother. Like her son, Roz is impulsive, loves show business, and has issues with recognizing boundaries. As soon as she boards the boat, she and Gopher are singing songs and imitating the Marx brothers. Eliot, on the other hand, is quiet and reserved. Interesting enough, Eliot has quite a bit in common with Captain Stubing. Seeing Eliot and Stubing interact, the viewer suddenly understands why Gopher is always looking for the Captain’s approval. Gopher and Eliot have a distant relationship and Gopher now sees Stubing as being more of a father figure to him than his own father. Awwwww, how sad!

What’s even more sad is that it is easy to see that Eliot would like to be closer to his son. He just doesn’t know how to go about it and he knows that he can’t compete with Roz’s carefree personality. When Gopher and Roz agree to perform a number at a special Mother’s Day variety show, Eliot becomes jealous. He claims that he’s worried that Roz is somehow going to embarrass Gopher in front of his co-workers but it’s obvious that Eliot is the one who is embarrassed by his lack of a relationship with his son. It all works out in the end, of course and Gopher becomes closer to both of his parents.

Meanwhile, Mac O’Brian (Barry Nelson, best-known for being the first actor to play James Bond and for playing Mr. Ullman in Kubrick’s The Shining) is looking forward to a life of retirement. Except, his wife, Maggie (Nanette Fabray), keeps having dizzy spells. Doc examines her and announces that, despite the fact that she’s nearly 60, Maggie’s pregnant! Maggie worries about how tell her husband, who has made it clear that he feels that he’s earned a rest from worrying about children. At first, Mac doesn’t take the news well but never fear. Things work out in the end because it’s The Love Boat!

Finally, Mary Noble (Michele Tobin) and her sister, Judy Noble (Shelly Juttner), are on their cruise with their father (Ken Berry) and his new wife (Beth Howland). At first, they go out of their way to be rude to their new stepmother but eventually, they realize how happy she makes their father and they come to accept her. Once again, everyone gets a happy ending on The Love Boat.

Despite the fact that it featured Gopher’s parents and offered up some insight into what made one of the show’s main characters tick, this episode of The Love Boat was pretty forgettable. The success or failure of a show like this all comes down to chemistry and none of the guest stars on this particular episode seemed to have any. Robert Cummings, in particular, looked absolutely miserable throughout the entire cruise while Barry Nelson and Nanette Fabray seemed more like strangers having a random hook-up than a longtime married couple. I did like the storyline about the stepparent but that’s just because I could relate to the two sisters because I know me and my sisters had a tendency to get a bit bratty whenever we felt anyone was trying to take our mom away from us. But, in the end, even this storyline felt like something The Love Boat had done better in the past.

Sadly, the second season of The Love Boat came to end with not a bang but a whimper. Next week, we start season 3!

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 3.9 “The Dancer/Nobody’s There”

Posted on August 8, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. Almost entire show is currently streaming is on Youtube!

The past two weeks of Fantasy Island saw Mr. Roarke getting married (and losing his wife) and Tattoo getting his heart broken. Will this week’s episode be just as dramatic? Read on to find out!

Episode 3.9 “The Dancer/Nobody’s There”

(Dir by Gene Nelson, originally aired on November 17th, 1979)

For the third week in a row, this episode of Fantasy Island features Mr. Roarke and Tattoo heading straight to the docks so that they can meet their guests without making any time for any Roarke/Tattoo banter. On the one hand, the scenes where Tattoo would tell Roarke about his latest scheme were always a bit awkward because of the obvious bad feelings between Ricardo Montalban and Herve Villechaize. On the other hand, they did reveal that Tattoo had a life outside of just following around Mr. Roarke. I will be a little bit sad if they’re gone forever.

As for this week’s fantasies, neither one adds up too much.

Big Jake Farley (Max Baer, Jr.) is a big, strapping cowboy who will tell anyone who will listen that he’s from “Big D.” (“It’s a mite south of Heaven.”) I’m from Big D too and I will admit that I’m a bit sensitive when it comes to the whole “All Texans are cowboys” stereotype so I pretty much spent this entire fantasy in cringe mode. Big Jake wants to meet Valeska de Marco (Carol Lynley), the ballerina whose hard work and perfectionism inspired him when he was just a penniless cowpoke. Now that Big Jake is a wealthy rancher and oilman, he wants to marry Valeska and take her back to the ranch. Unfortunately, Valeska is already engaged to Stuffy Q. Borington III (Howard Morton). When Valeska suffers a career ending injury, will Big Jake be able to convince her to come open an acting school in Big D and will Mr. Roarke help everyone’s fantasy come true?

You already know the answer. Everyone gets a happy ending on Fantasy Island, except for that time Mr. Roarke got married.

Eh. Considering that this fantasy combined several of my favorite things — ballet, Texas, tropical islands — it’s a bit of a shock just how boring it turned out to be. The main problem was that there was zero chemistry between Baer and Lynley. Both of them came across as if they would rather be anywhere but on Fantasy Island.

As for the other fantasy, it featured Toni Tennille as Betty Foster, a former fast food worker turned private investigator. Her fantasy was to solve a big case. With Roarke’s help, Betty was hired by Contessa Christina Kastronova (Stepfanie Kramer) to accompany the Contessa to the reading her cousin’s will. The Contessa felt her cousin had been murdered and she feared she might be next. Betty pretended to be the Contessa during both the reading of the will and the subsequent night spent in a scary, dark house with all of the Contessa’s relatives. Anyway, Dick Sargent turned out to be the murderer and Betty realized that she’d rather marry one of the Contessa’s relatives than continue on as a private eye.

As far as this fantasy went, I liked the scary house and I found the scene where Roarke and Tattoo debated which one of them should stay behind with Betty to be amusing. (Tattoo, of course, ended up having to stay.) But the mystery didn’t add up too much. To be honest, as soon as Dick Sargent showed up, I knew he was going to be the bad guy. I mean, I’ve seen Clonus.

Especially when compared to the previous two episodes, this episode was fairly forgettable. Everyone got their fantasy but no one made much of an impression.

Retro Television Reviews: Hang Time 6.3 “The Gospel According to Silk” and 6.4 “The Enforcer”

Posted on August 7, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing Hang Time, which ran on NBC from 1995 to 2000. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

This week, Silk’s aunt dies and Julie nearly kills another player. It’s a dangerous time in Indiana!

Episode 6.3 “The Gospel According To Silk”

(Dir by Miguel Higuera, originally aired on October 7th, 2000)

The team is confused as to why Silk never wants to go to kareoke night with them. They decide to follow Silk to find out what he does after each game. They discover that he goes to a church so, of course, they decide to follow him inside so they can find out what he does in there. Uhmmm …. it’s a church. What do they think he’s doing in there? Seriously, the people were the worst about not giving anyone any privacy.

Anyway, it turns out that Silk and his Aunt Charlotte (Jennifer Holliday) sing in a gospel choir. (Have I mentioned how much I dislike gospel music?) While sitting in the church, the team demands to know why Silk hadn’t been telling them that he sings in the choir. Uhmmm …. people, you’re in a church! You’re interrupting a rehearsal! You’re in a place of worship! LEAVE SILK ALONE! He doesn’t have to tell you about every single aspect of his life.

Anyway, now that Aunt Charlotte has been introduced to everyone, she does what every guest star on this show does and she goes to the school to watch the Tornadoes practice. Charlotte also tosses the ball and makes a few baskets. Charlotte explains that she can do anything with “faith and a little prayer.” Then Charlotte goes home, has a heart attack, and, despite all of Silk’s prayers, dies.

Uh-oh, Silk is losing his faith! Fear not, though, Charlotte’s ghost appears to him at church and tells him not to despair. Shows like Hang Time were always a bit cringey whenever they attempted to deal with religious faith but Danso Gordon did a good job portraying Silk’s pain and his eventual acceptance of Charlotte’s passing.

As for the B-plot, Coach K and Mary Beth competed to win a car by seeing who could stay in it the longest. In the end, they both lost because they were both outside of the car when time ran out. Or something. It was dumb and it definitely felt out-of-place in this episode.

Episode 6.4 “The Enforcer”

(Dir by Miguel Higuera, originally aired on October 14th, 2000)

“I was watching the tape of our first three games,” Coach K tells the team at practice, “and I wasn’t happy with what I saw….”

Uhmmm, Coach K, the first episode of the sixth season had the team on the verge of making the playoffs and bragging about their undefeated season. Why are you only now watching the tape of your first three games?

(The real answer is that NBC showed the final 26 episodes out-of-order. The fun answer is that Coach K is just extremely slow.)

Coach K is worried that Julie isn’t being aggressive enough. In their upcoming game against Montrose, the Tornadoes will be facing Dave Carter (Riley Smith), a player who is so good that he’s going to go straight from high school to the NBA despite the fact that he looks way too short to be a basketball player. Dave’s NBA dreams are shattered with Julie knocks him down to the floor and he tears some ligament in his knee.

Guilt-stricken, Julie loses her competitive edge. Fortunately, when she goes to visit the wheelchair-bound Dave in the hospital, he tells her that he doesn’t hate her and that she has to “take the shot.” So, Julie gets back to normal and Dave …. well, I guess he’s going to be stuck in Indiana for the rest of his life. As always, the important thing is that Julie’s doing better.

Meanwhile, a malfunctioning ATM gives Kristy thousands of dollars. Unfortunately, it also causes both she and Mary Beth to have bad luck until they give the money away. As bad as their luck may be, at least they weren’t put in a wheelchair by Julie. Seriously, poor Dave!

I’m being a bit snarky but this wasn’t a bad episode. Learning how to deal with guilt is an important lesson and Hang Time deserves some credit for addressing it. That said, it’s still hard not to notice that the NBA-bound Dave didn’t really appear to be that good of a player in the first place. I mean, considering that Dave, who we were told was the best player in the history of Indiana high school basketball, didn’t appear to be better than any of the Deering players, shouldn’t the entire cast by NBA-bound?

Next week: Silk is offered a scholarship and a special guest stars shows up for movie night!

Retro Television Reviews: Trial By Fire (dir by Alan Metzger)

Posted on August 6, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Sundays, I will be reviewing the made-for-television movies that used to be a primetime mainstay. Today’s film is 1995’s Trial By Fire! It can be viewed on YouTube!

Trial By Fire opens with an absolutely heart-breaking scene, in which a teenager named Kip Bouchmeyer (Andrew Kavovit) enters his bedroom, closes and locks the door (and, in the process, locks out his dog, who sits out in the hallway sadly), and then proceeds to shoot himself.

The upper class community in which Kip lived is stunned by his suicide but they are soon also scandalized by reports that Kip had been having an affair with one of his teachers, Paulette Gill (Gail O’Grady). Paulette denies the rumors but soon, Kip’s friends are coming forward and saying that Kip not only told them about the affair but that some of them spied on Kip while he was with her. Paulette continues to deny the accusations but still loses her teaching license. Paulette is put on trial, accused of seducing Kip and setting off the chain of events that led to his death. The only people who seem to be willing to believe Paulette’s side of the story are Paulette’s husband, Roger (Michael Bowen), and her attorney, Owen Turner (Keith Carradine).

Indeed, it doesn’t take long for Owen to discover that there are several inconsistencies in the stories that the other students are spreading about Paulette and how she behaved as a teacher. Owen starts to suspect that Kip’s friends met after Kip’s suicide and concocted the story of Kip and Paulette’s affair on their own. But why would they do that and, more importantly, can Owen convince anyone else?

There have been a lot of movies made about teachers seducing and carrying on affairs with students. (I wrote about one of them, Murder in New Hampshire, just a few weeks ago.) There have been far less films made about teachers who are falsely accused. Interestingly enough, Trial By Fire is based on a true story. Paulette Gill was a real teacher and, just as in the movie, she really was accused of contributing to the death of one of her students. Because it’s based on a true story, Trial By Fire doesn’t answer every question that was raised by the case. Though the film leaves no doubt that Paulette was innocent of seducing Kip, the film leaves it to the viewer to decide whether she was the victim of an actual conspiracy or if a bunch of teenagers just had an overactive imagination. The film also leaves it to the viewer to decide as to whether or not Paulette allowed herself to get too close to her students, even if she didn’t actually have an affair with Kip. It could be argued that Paulette allowed herself to care too much about Kip and was rather naïve in not realizing how easily gossip can spread in a high school. But I think it could also be argued that it’s better to care too much than to not care at all.

It’s a good movie, though a rather sad one. (The image of that dog sitting outside of Kip’s bedroom left me depressed for a full day.) The cast, which is full of TV regulars, does a good job with their characters. I especially liked Keith Carradine’s performance as the tough but fair-minded attorney. Trial By Fire takes a familiar subject and gives it an unexpected spin, leaving the audience to consider what their own complicity would have been if they had found themselves in the same situation.

Lisa Marie’s Week in Television: 7/30/23 — 8/5/23

Posted on August 5, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Big Brother finally started this week so say goodbye to my free time!

Big Brother 25 (CBS and Paramount Plus, All The Time)

I wrote about the 25th season of Big Brother here!

Claim to Fame (ABC, Monday Night)

Nooooooo! Not Olivia! Sadly, Olivia was eliminated this week when she failed to guess to whom Karsyn was related. Olivia was my favorite so …. well, I’ll still watch the show but now I’m just watching because I want to see people eliminated. This show is so addictive.

Geraldo (YouTube)

On Sunday, I watched an episode of this old talk show from the 80s in which a brawl between Nazis and civil rights leader Roy Innis led to Gerald Rivera getting his nose broken.

The Moment Of Truth (YouTube)

I had totally forgotten about this incredibly mean-spirted game show that aired on Fox back in 2008. Basically, people took a lie detector exam and they received money for each question they answered truthfully. If they were caught in a lie, they lost all of their money. Needless to say, the questions got progressively more and more personal. The episode that I watched on Tuesday featured a woman who won money by admitting that she had been fired from stealing, that she kept secrets about her father from her mother, and that she would leave her husband for her ex-boyfriend. Then the woman was asked if she felt she was a good person and her reply of “Yes,” was found to be deceptive so she lost everything. It was one of the most awkward things that I’ve ever seen.

Naturally, I had to watch another episode on Wednesday. Paul won $100,000 but he also disgusted his girlfriend and family by confession that he felt he could never be loyal to one woman and that was paid for sex while in college. Again, it was awkward but compulsively watchable.

Sally Jessy Raphael (YouTube)

On Sunday, I watched an episode called “He’s Not Good Enough For My Daughter.” Everyone on the show was pretty trashy and it was kind of hilarious watching Sally try to act like she was hosting a serious discussion.

Stars on Mars (Fox, Monday Night)

Andy Richter has been eliminated and to be honest, I’m surprised. Andy’s funny but I think he’d be a little bit annoying to travel to another planet with.

The Steve Wilkos Show (YouTube)

On the episode that I watched on Sunday night, a woman was upset because a “crazy psycho” was stalking her boyfriend. It turned out that the boyfriend wasn’t quite as innocent as he claimed, which I saw coming from a mile away. I enjoyed this episode. It was like an incredibly over-the-top Lifetime movie.

On Monday, I was so depressed, after watching a film called The Honeymoon Killers, that I tried to cheer myself up by watching two episodes. The first one featured Steve kicking an abuser off his stage and that was fun to watch. The second featured a woman who thought her boyfriend was gay and who demanded that he take a lie detector test to prove that he was straight.

On Tuesday, I watched an episode in which a man pretended to have a heart attack to avoid stepping out on stage and seeing the son who he had abandoned years ago. The audience was not impressed. The audience was even less impressed with the woman at the center of the next episode that I watched. Her six children had been taken away from her by the Department of Child Welfare and she was determined to have a seventh child with a teenager who appeared to be suffering from some sort of brain damage. It was disturbing to watch, to say the least.

You Don’t Know Jack (YouTube)

This was a game show, based on the computer game, that aired on ABC in 2001. It was hosted by Paul Reubens. I watched an episode on Saturday morning. The questions were pretty easy. The main attraction of the show was to watch Reubens play the role of the hilariously shallow game show host. It was amusing, though the humor seemed like it would work best in small doses as opposed to on a weekly basis.

Retro Television Reviews: Welcome Back, Kotter 1.18 “Dr. Epstein, I Presume?” and 1.19 “One Flu Over The Cuckoo’s Nest”

Posted on August 5, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Welcome Back Kotter, which ran on ABC from 1975 to 1979. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, Epstein becomes a vet and a flu epidemic hits the school.

Episode 1.18 “Dr. Epstein, I Presume”

(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on January 29th, 1976)

At home, over a checkers game, Gabe tells Julie about his uncle, Walden Kotter. Walden was always concerned as to whether or not he was going to go to heaven.

“Did he ever find out?” Julie asks, without a noticeable lack of enthusiasm.

Gabe explains the Walden went to India and asked the High Llama. “The good news,” the High Llama said, “is that you are going to Heaven. The bad news is that you leave Thursday.”

The next day, an energized Gabe enters his classroom and tells the Sweathogs that it’s time for them to read their compositions about what they want to do with their lives. Barbarino wants to be a guy who never writes compositions. Freddie says that he doesn’t know what he wants to be but he wants to make sure it’s something that pays a lot of money. Horshack says that his essay is not about what he wants to be but about what he wants. “Dear Santa….” Horshack begins.

Suddenly, Gabe realizes that Epstein is not in the class. “I ain’t seen him,” Barbarino says before Epstein suddenly shows up at class, late because he says his pet hamster Florence is sick. Epstein has put Florence in a box and brought her to school with him. Everyone takes a look at the hamster. Epstein explains that he also owns several white mice and a chicken.

“Have you ever considered becoming a vet?” Gabe asks.

“My cousin was in the army, he didn’t like it,” Epstein replies.

“A veterinarian!” Gabe yells.

Epstein says he likes to eat meat.

“Not a vegetarian, a veterinarian!”

It goes on for a while but eventually, Epstein realizes that he could be “Dr. Epstein” and he agrees to talk to the guidance counselor about his new career goal. Yay!

Meanwhile, in the teacher’s lounge, Ms. Helms (Laura Zucker), the school guidance counselor, tells Mr. Woodman that computers and VHS tape are going to change the way that principals run their schools and teachers teach their classes. Remote learning is the future!

“Are you telling me,” Mr. Woodman says, “that someday, I will be able to run this school without having to deal with any students? Imagine that …. a school without students!”

Mr. Woodman is so excited about the idea that you have to feel bad that he wasn’t around for the COVID lockdowns. Seriously, he would have been in Heaven.

Overhearing them, Gabe starts to imitate a robot teacher. After an annoyed Woodman leaves the teacher’s lounge, Gabe brings in Epstein so he can talk to Ms. Helms. Ms. Helms tells Epstein that he doesn’t have high enough test scores to ever pursue a career outside of simple manual labor. She further says that encouraging Epstein to dream of being a vet is unfair to both him and dangerous to his animals. Visibly hurt, Epstein says, “That was the shortest career I’ve ever had,” and storms out of the lounge.

When Ms. Helms explains that teachers should not get close to their students, Gabe replies, “Up your nose with a computer hose.”

As always happens whenever something bad happens at school, the Sweathogs show up at Gabe’s apartment, where they ruin his latest attempt to try to get Julie to laugh. Epstein, Horshack, Freddie, and Barbarino all show up with Epstein’s animals and tell Gabe that they are all now his responsibility. (It turns out that Epstein owned a turtle named Truman Capote.) Epstein announce that all of his animals will be better off without him and Robert Hegyes delivered the line so sincerely that my heart broke a little for him. Seriously, whenever I’m about to dismiss this show as being too silly for its own good, it’ll surprise me with a scene of earnest sincerity.

Anyway, it turns out that Florence the Hamster is pregnant and this somehow leads to all of the Sweathogs donning surgical scrubs while Forence gives birth in Gabe’s classroom.

Gabe runs out the classroom and returns with Ms. Helms. Ms. Helms sees that Epstein supervised the whole process and admits that Epstein might have what it takes to be a doctor. When Epstein says that the two baby hamsters are named Julie and Gabe, the human Gabe tells the hamster Julie a joke about his Uncle Max, who was 64 years old and married a 28 year-old girl.

Back at the apartment, Human Gabe tells Human Julie about his Uncle Max who was 64 years old and …. well, you get the idea. When told that making love at his age could be fatal, Max replied, “If she dies, she dies.” Ouch!

This is the second Epstein-centric story of the first season and, much like the first one, it’s surprisingly effective. Robert Hegyes did a really good job of revealing that, underneath his tough exterior, Epstein was just an insecure kid who needed someone to believe in him. This was a good episode, even if I did find myself wondering where the Sweathogs found those surgical scrubs.

Episode 1.19 “One Flu Over The Cuckoo’s Nest”

(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on February 5th, 1976)

At the apartment, Julie is upset over getting a crank call. Gabe tells her about the time that he called a butcher and asked him if he had pig’s feet. “Where do you buy your shoes?” is the punchline.

At the school, everyone is out with the flu so the gifted class has been combined with the remedial class. The Sweathogs are upset over having to share their class with the smart kids but actually, they’re just insecure because they think Gabe likes the smart kids more than them. Gabe reassures them by asking them a lot of sports-related questions. In the end, the flu takes out everyone except for Gabe and Horshack. This was an extremely simple episode and I got the feeling that it was probably meant to air earlier in the season than it did. The Sweathogs’s individual personalities seemed to a bit less defined than usual and Gabe seemed like he was still struggling to win the trust of his students. Considering that we’ve already seen the Sweathogs visit Gabe at his apartment several times, everything about their relationship in this episode felt a bit off.

To wrap things up, Gabe tells Julie about his Uncle Morris. Morris told a judge that he was worried that he wouldn’t be able to become a U.S. citizen because he spoke “poor English” but, fortunately, the judge also spoke poor English. So, I guess that worked out.

Next week …. it’s exam time!

Retro Television Reviews: The Master 1.13 “A Place To Call Home”

Posted on August 4, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing The Master, which ran on NBC from January to August of 1984. The show can be found on Tubi!

This week, The Master comes to an end.

Episode 1.13 “A Place To Call Home”

(Dir by Gordon Hessler, originally aired on August 31st, 1984)

The Master ends in much the same way that it began, with Max and John Peter McAllister in a small town that is controlled by an evil businessman. In this case, land developer Mark Richards (Jock Mahoney) wants to run the local orphanage out of town so that he can steal the land and expand his uranium mine. Max and McAllister not only help Kim Anderson (Susan Woollen) save her orphanage but they also provide some much-needed mentoring to two of the orphans, Mike (Doug Toby) and Bobby (played by Kane Kosugi). Bobby, it turns out, has some martial arts skills of his own! It’s amazing how McAllister and Max were always traveling to small towns that just happened to be home to other people who knew karate.

Though his son plays Bobby, Sho Kosugi does not appear in this episode, which is a shame considering that it would be turn out to be the show’s finale. For that matter, the show ends with McAllister having yet to find his daughter. In fact, Terri McAllister is only mentioned briefly at the end of the episode, when McAllister says that he and Max have to get back on the road because “I’m looking for my daughter.” Considering that the whole premise of the show was that McAllister was searching for Terri while Okassa was searching for McAllister, it seems like neither was really in a hurry to accomplish their goals.

A Place To Call Home feels like a greatest hits package, duplicating the plot of the pilot while tossing in a bit of the union episode‘s political subtext. Even the scene where McAllister attempts to hop onto a helicopter feels a bit reminiscent of the ghost town episode. The Master ended with an episode that resolved nothing and didn’t really bring anything new to show’s format.

Why did The Master end after thirteen episodes? When taken as a whole, the show wasn’t as bad as its reputation. While the stunt doubles did most of the work, Lee Van Cleef and Tim Van Patten still managed to develop a likable chemistry over the course of 13 episodes. At first, the show’s writer stried too hard to play up the idea of Max Keller being a rebel with a chip on his shoulder but, after the first few episodes, it appears that they realized that Van Patten’s greatest strength as an actor was that he had a sort of amiable goofiness to him. The stories were predictable but the fight scenes were usually (if not always) well-choreographed and entertaining. The stunt people earned their paycheck.

In the end, though, I think The Master never quite figured what it wanted to be. Did it want to be a straight action show? Did it want to be a goofy buddy comedy? In some episodes, McAllister was apparently a famous and well-known figure. In others, he was a total unknown. In some episodes, finding Terri was the most important thing in his life. In others, he really didn’t seem to care. The best episodes were the ones that winked at the audience and acknowledged just how ludicrous the whole thing was. But, far too often, The Master became a generic crime show that just happened to feature martial arts.

The Master is finished and, to my surprise, I’m going to kind of miss it. It had potential. But, it’s time to move on to a new series. Get ready because next week, it’s time for T & T!

Retro Television Review: City Guys 5.19 “Model Behavior” and 5.20 “Almost Fatal”

Posted on August 3, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Seriously, how have we not reached the final episode yet?

Episode 5.19 “Model Behavior”

(Dir by Frank Bonner, originally aired on November 17th, 2001)

I have to admit that, with each week, it gets harder and harder for me to watch and review this stupid show. I’m currently on the final season and there’s only a few more episodes left to go but, every Thursday, I literally have to force myself to sit through whatever episodes are available on YouTube. City Guys was never a particularly original show to begin with. I mean, the only thing that distinguishes it from every other show that Peter Engel produced for NBC was that the cast was a bit more diverse than usual. But, by the fifth season, it was obvious that the writers were out of ideas and the cast was ready to move on. I’m at the point that, whenever I hear Al call his ex-girlfriend “Dawny Dawn,” I want to throw something across the room. Whenever Ms. Noble starts to talk down to her students, I want to scream. Whenever Chris say something dorky or Jamal asks someone to “Help a brother out,” I silently groan. It’s all so predictable that I feel like I could probably just guess what happened in each episode and be correct.

As for this episode, Jamal has a girlfriend! Now, because so much of Season 5 is not streaming online, I don’t know if this episode is the first time that we’ve seen Rosie (Jenna Watson) but apparently, she and Jamal are very much an established couple. Rosie gets an opportunity to be a model and Jamal throws a fit because he doesn’t want other guys checking out his girlfriend, even though Jamal was earlier doing the same thing to Rosie’s fellow models. When Rosie calls him out on it, Jamal learns an important lessons about double standards. Personally, I’m amazed that a successful model like Rosie would waste her time with someone who can barely handle running the cash register at the Manhattan Diner.

Meanwhile, Dawn is organizing a week-long trip to Florida and one of the students who was meant to be a part of the group has to drop out after she gets mono. Ms. Noble tells Dawn that it’s up to her to select who will be the replacement. Al and L-Train suck up to Dawn and try to convince her to take them to Florida. Dawn picks some guy named Jason instead and Ms. Noble gives Al and L-Train a week of detention. In the past, this is the type of B-plot that would have been saved by the comic timing of Steven Daniel but, at this point, I’m even tired of L-Train. To be honest, I don’t know why Dawn didn’t just pick her best friend Cassidy.

This episode just felt tired. The Florida trip made no sense whatsoever while the model storyline just made me think about how much better California Dreams would have handled the whole thing. I’ve been reviewing City Guys for nearly a year now and I’m definitely ready to move on.

Episode 5.20 “Almost Fatal”

(Dir by Frank Bonner, originally aired on November 17th, 2001)

Here’s the plot description for Wikipedia:

After Chris, Jamal, and El-Train survive a car crash, they start going through some changes as they now view life in a whole new perspective. The three friends begin live to their lives on the edge by doing certain activities to the extreme.

This is one of the many season 5 episodes that is not currently streaming anywhere. That’s kind of a shame because the plot description makes it sound like this episode could have been interesting or, at the very least, memorably bad. That said, if I had to guess, I’d say that this was probably just another episode where everyone spent too much time hanging out on the roof and getting a stern talking to from Ms. Noble.

Next week, I’ll be more another episode closer to being done with this show!