Retro Television Review: Hang Time 6.7 “Life 101” and 6.8 “Secrets and Lies”

Posted on August 21, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing Hang Time, which ran on NBC from 1995 to 2000. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

This week, Hammer returns!

Episode 6.7 “Life 101”

(Dir by Miguel Higuera, originally aired on November 4th, 2000)

Hammer returns during this episode but, before we discuss that, let’s get the dumb B-plot out of the way. Coach K, is going out of town so he assigns Antonio to look after his dog, a chihuahua named Killer. (What was the deal with both of the coaches always asking their dumb players to look after their pets, cars, and houses?) Antonio and the boys lose Killer at the mall. However, they then see a little girl named Susie adopting a chihuahua on television. Assuming that the girl has adopted Killer, they bribe the girl with toys to get the dog. When they give the dog to the Coach, he immeidately sees that it’s not Killer because it’s a girl and not a boy.

Uh-oh!

No worries, though. It turns out that the woman who found Killer saw a flyer that the boys put up and she shows up at the gym with Killer. She asks Coach K out on a date. “Woooooo!” the audience shouts. As I wrote earliier, it was all pretty dumb but at least the dog was cute.

Meanwhile, Hammer (Mark Famiglietti) returns to Indiana from North Carolina! Mary Beth is so excited! Hammer explains that he’s not sure he wants to attend Duke. (I thought Hammer was attending Duke but apparently, he was just in some sort of Duke-affiliated prep school or something.) Hammer says that Duke might not have a spot for him on the team so he decides to apply to UCLA with Mary Beth and Kristy.

Mary Beth and Kristy get into UCLA! Yay!

Hammer does not. Boooo!

Hammer pressures Mary Beth to turn down UCLA and go to the University of Indiana with him. Hammer, what happened to you!?

Mary Beth agrees but then Hammer learns that Duke does want him to play basketball so he decides he’s going to go Duke anyway and that Mary Beth should come with him. “You want me to move to North Carolina!?” a shocked Mary Beth says. (Uhmm, it’s better than freaking Indiana.) Mary Beth and Hammer break up and Mary Beth decides to go to UCLA afterall.

I guess it’s good that Mary Beth is finally going to graduate from high school but this episode still bothered me. Bringing back Hammer was cool. Having him come back with a totally different personality from the one he had when he was previously on the show was not cool. That just felt like lazy writing.

Let’s move on.

Episode 6.8 “Secrets and Lies”

(Dir by Miguel Higuera, originally aired on November 11th, 2000)

It’s championship time again!

Actually, it was championship time last season. Seasons 5 and 6 were filmed at the same time and were originally intended to be a part of one big, final season. NBC decided to not only split the season in two but they also rearranged the order of the episodes, leading to all sorts of continuity confusion. The tournament that we see the Tornadoes playing at the University of Indiana was originally meant to be a part of the championship story arc that was featured in season 5. (That storyline, of course, ended with the previously undefeated Tornadoes losing in an upset and learning about humility.) Instead of airing where it was originally meant to air, this tournament episode somewhat randomly pops up in the middle of season 6.

As for this episode, it’s a mix of the serious and the seriously stupid. The seriously stupid part of the episode finds Eugene and Silk being led astray by two cheerleaders who steal their uniforms, lock them in a locker room, and try to keep them from playing in the big game. It doesn’t work, of course. Silk and Eugene end up tumbling out of an air conditioning duct and landing in the middle of the gym. The important thing is that they get to play and no one asks why they were wandering around a duct while half-naked in the first place.

As for the serious storyline, it features Mary Beth meeting Brett, a handsome guy who is writing a story for his school’s newspaper. He takes Mary Beth and the team out to a bar and, in a backroom, attempts to force himself on Mary Beth. While Mary Beth gets away from him, Brett still threatens to reveal that the team was at a bar if she dares to say anything about what he tried to do. However, when Mary Beth sees Brett talking to another girl and trying to lead her to a backroom, she realizes that she can’t be quiet. Brett gets arrested but not before Coach K threatened to rip him from limb to limb.

This was a good episode, solely due to the Mary Beth storyline, which was well-acted and had a valuable message. When Dick Butkus threatened Brett, you never had any doubt that he meant every word of it. I’ve been a bit critical of Dick Butkus in these reviews but it’s hard to imagine Reggie Theus bringing the same emotional intensity to this episode that Butkus did. One gets the feeling that Theus would have just made Mary Beth feel guilty for not speaking up immediately. Dick Butkus, on the other hand, isn’t going to let anyone get away with hurting his students.

Lisa Marie’s Week In Television: 8/13/23 — 8/19/23

Posted on August 19, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Big Brother 25 (24/7, CBS and Paramount Plus)

I wrote about Big Brother here!

The Challenge: USA (Sunday and Thursday Night, CBS)

I did have this show on in the background on Thurdsay night but, if you want to know how little I paid attention to this episode, just consider that I somehow missed Paulie coming out until I read about it on twitter afterwards.

City Guys (YouTube)

I wrote about City Guys here! I’m nearly done with this show!

Claim to Fame (Monday Night, ABC)

J.R. was eliminated this week. It’s still a cute show but I don’t really care that much about any of the relatives left.

Dr. Phil (YouTube)

Sunday morning, as I waited for the Big Brother live feeds to come back, I watched an old episode of Dr. Phil on YouTube. A mother was upset that her teenage daughter was dating a registered sex offender. Her daughter insisted that it was no big deal and that her boyfriend had changed. It turned out the daughter was naïve but the mother was overbearing and a bit hypocritical herself.

On Thursday and on Saturday, I watched a few episodes about trashy in-laws because I needed some background noise. They all kind of blended together, to the extent that I’m not even sure how many episodes I ended up watching.

The Love Boat (Paramount Plus)

I wrote about The Love Boat here!

Night Flight (Night Flight Plus)

On Friday night, I joined Jeff and our friend Pat in watching an episode about British pop stars. It was a fun episode!

The PGA Tour on CBS (Sunday, CBS)

I refuse to apologize for liking golf. I didn’t even care that the tour totally preempted Big Brother on Sunday. I enjoy looking at the courses.

Radio 1990 (Night Flight Plus)

On Saturday morning, Jeff and I joined our friend Pat in watching an episode of this old music program. The episode featured a profile of Van Halen.

60 Minutes (Sunday Night, CBS)

Because golf ran late on Sunday, I sat through an episode of 60 Minutes as I waited for Big Brother to start. I can’t remember anything about any of the stories that they showed. 60 Minutes has always seemed like such a strange show to me. It feels like a show that’s permanently frozen in the past century. That said, I appreciate the way the stopwatch always tells me how many more minutes are left in each episode.

Stars on Mars (Monday Night, Fox)

Ariel, who was the person on Mars to whom I related to, volunteered to be sent back to Earth. If I was a producer of this reality show, I would be concerned by the fact that all of the participants keep volunteering to be kicked off the show.

Superfan (Wednesday Night, CBS)

People competed for the title of being Shania Twain’s biggest fan. It was dumb and it’s tempting to blame the show on the dearth of new scripted content during the writer’s strike but, to be honest, the networks were airing game shows just this stupid on television before everyone went on strike.

T. and T. (Tubi)

I wrote about T. and T. here!

Welcome Back, Kotter (Tubi)

I wrote about Welcome Back, Kotter here!

Retro Television Reviews: Welcome Back Kotter 1.22 “Father Vinnie”

Posted on August 19, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Welcome Back Kotter, which ran on ABC from 1975 to 1979. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, the first season comes to an end with a surprisingly touching episode.

Episode 1.22 “Father Vinnie”

(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on February 26th, 1976)

At the apartment, Gabe asks Julie if he’s ever told her about his Uncle Jerry and Aunt June and how, on their 40th wedding anniversary, they took a second honeymoon. Aunt June was feeling romantic and asked Jerry to bite her neck, just like he did when they were newlyweds.

“Wait a minute,” Jerry replied, “I’ll get my teeth.”

(Gabe comes from a very old family, I’ve noticed.)

At school, Gabe teaches his class about the Russian revolution. Horshack asks where Kotter “learned all that stuff.” Gabe replies that he saw Dr. Zhivago four times. Horshack breaks out into wheezy laughter. All the Sweathogs are amused but …. WHERE’S BARBARINO!?

Barbarino shows up, just as the bell for lunch is ringing. Depressed, he barely acknowledges Gabe’s question as to where he’s been. Instead, he sits down at the classroom window and stares at the rain falling outside. Epstein tries to cheer him up by reading some his latest “excuse notes.” They’re all in verse!

“Roses are red, violets are blue, I’ve been home two days with the Spanish flu.”

Freddie reads note that Epstein wrote for him. “Please excuse me for missing your lecture on mold but I was home sick with a bad head cold.”

Barbarino is not amused. He explains that he’s just gotten back from the hospital, where his 87 year-old grandmother is dying. “She’s got a bad case of being old,” Barbarino explains.

The Sweathogs discuss death. Epstein doesn’t worry about it because he has a note for wherever he goes. Horshack mentions that he’s against death. Freddie, always the pragmatist, says that death is something that you have to accept.

Barbarino explains that his grandmother’s dream was always for him to become a priest and now that she’s dying, he has to do it! The other Sweathogs scoff at the idea and Gabe tells him that not everyone is cut out to be a priest. Despite not wanting to become a priest himself, Barbarino is stunned by their lack of faith and decides that he is going to become a priest just to show them.

A few days later, in the teacher’s lounge, Mr. Woodman tells Gabe that Barbarino just blessed Epstein’s gym locker and that he’s now walking around the school and telling people that he loves them. Gabe, however, is depressed because Barbarino’s grandmother has died and now he’s thinking about all the family members that he’s lost and used for material for his stand-up routine. Woodman mentions that Epstein’s mother died four times over the course of the previous school year.

Gabe asks Woodman if he ever thinks about death. Woodman replies, “Mot people want to go quickly but not me. I want to linger. I want to be a burden to people for as long as possible.”

(As always, John Sylvester White brilliantly portrays Woodman’s mix of bitterness and what appears to be genuine mental instability. As played by White, Woodman could announce that he had just spent the morning attacking muggers on the subway and it would be a laugh-out-loud funny line.)

Carrying a bible, a much changed Barbarino enters the teacher’s lounge.

Barbarino says that he forgives Gabe for the previous day’s pop quiz. Gabe tells Barbarino that he doesn’t need to forgive him, he just needs to study. When Barbarino replies that he no longer needs to study because the Lord is his shepherd, Gabe tells him that he’s taking the religion thing too far.

The next day, in the school hallway, Barbarino interrupts a Sweathog dice game and tells Horshack that he loves him.

“I’ve always been fond of you,” Horshack says.

Barbarino suggests that the Sweathogs should give their money to the poor.

“We are the poor!” Freddie replies.

A blonde named Bambi asks if Barbarino is going to meet her at their usual place “behind the billboard.” Horshack replies that Barbarino is now a priest. After an offended Bambi walks away, Barbarino has a meltdown in the school hallway, saying, “I can’t take it!” Gabe steps out of his classroom and says that maybe he’s not cut out to be celibate. The other Sweathogs start taunting Barbarino about all of his now ex-girlfriends. Barbarino realizes that it will be okay for him not to become a priest but he worries about how he’s going to tell his mother.

Epstein writes an excuse note for Barbarino to give to his mother, though he asks Gabe to sign because Epstein has yet to figure out how to forge his signature. The note reads, “Dear Mrs. Barbarino, they were shocked when you had a son, because that meant you could not be a nun. I hope you won’t mind this as a reason but your son Vinnie will not be a priest. Signed, Epstein’s teacher.”

Back at the apartment, Gabe tells Julie about his Uncle Morris, who was so thrifty that he never gave any money to charity.

And with that, season one ends! Wisely, Welcome Back, Kotter ended by focusing on Barbarino. All of the actors playing the Sweathogs were talented and all of them did a good job in the episodes that focused on them but, from the start, John Travolta was clearly the star and Travolta does a pretty good job of capturing both Barbarino’s sweet-natured stupidity and his earnest sincerity in this episode. It was hard not to be emotionally moved by his desire to make his grandmother’s dying wish come true, even though it wasn’t what he wanted to do with his life. This was a rare sitcom episode that dealt with religion in an even-handed manner while still remaining funny and non-preachy. All in all, this was not a bad way to end the first season.

(I have to admit that I wasn’t expecting much from Welcome Back, Kotter but I’ve certainly enjoyed watching and reviewing the first 22 episodes.)

Next week, season two begins!

Retro Television Reviews: T. and T. 1.3 “Settling the Score” and 1.4 “Stowaway”

Posted on August 18, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing T. and T., a Canadian show which ran in syndication from 1987 to 1990. The show can be found on Tubi!

This week, T.S. Turner confronts the man who framed him!

Episode 1.3 “Settling the Score”

(Dir by Allan Goldstein, originally aired on January 25th, 1988)

“In this episode,” Mr. T tells us before the opening credits, “a young boxer is accused of throwing a fight. While Amy tries help him clear his name, I get a rematch with the man who sent me to prison.”

The episode opens with T.S. Turner in a very polite Canadian bar, watching a boxing match. He’s shocked when the favored boxer, “Dancin'” Joe (Louis Ferreira), starts to act groggy and is knocked out in the 2nd round. The next day, at the courthouse, people are talking about how Joe obviously took a dive. Amy, however, is busy keeping her latest clients out of jail.

“Hey, Amy,” T.S. asks, “what’s the score today?”

“Justice triumphed,” Amy says, “Suspended sentence.”

Woo hoo!

Amy then asks T.S. about Dancin’ Joe’s boxing lisence. T.S. reveals that the Commission suspended Dancin’ Joe and now they’re after his friend Decker because Dancin’ Joe trained at Decker’s gym.

“They’re after his lisence, too?” Amy asks.

“No one gets away clean,” T.S. growls.

T.S. thinks that Dancin’ Joe was forced to take a dive by Targon (Steven Makaj), the same gangster who earlier framed T.S. for the beating death of his manager. T.S. confronts Targon in his bar. (All gangsters have a bar.)

“A little far from home, aren’t you, Turner?” Targon says.

“Yeah,” T.S. replies, “and traveling don’t improve my temper …. I know you got to Dancin’ Joe. But this time, you’re going down! Last night’s fix makes it a whole new ball game.”

(Really, the main pleasure of T. and T. is listening to Mr. T speak.)

Back at the gym, a bruised Dancin’ Joe shows up to tell Decker and T.S. that he didn’t throw the fight. According to Dancin’ Joe, he suddenly started to feel woozy during the fight. Maybe Amy can help him get his license back!

This leads to a scene of T.S. Turner, shadowboxing while wearing a pink jumpsuit, and having flashbacks to the time that Targon demanded that he take a dive. “T.S. Turner ain’t going in the tank!” T.S. declared before knocking out his opponent. Targon framed T.S. for murdering his trainer. (Fortunately, Amy was there to somehow get a second trial and win T.S. an acquittal.)

Turner starts to investigate the Dancin’ Joe’s fight so Targon decides to stop T.S. by …. framing him for a crime he didn’t commit! (Hey, it worked before.) Targon’s goon beats up Dancin’ Joe’s cornerman and Targon’s bartender calls the police and claims that he witnessed T.S. doing it. Learning that there is a new warrant out for his arrest, T.S. hits the mean streets of Canada in an attempt to clear his name.

Luckily, the cornerman survived his beating and he informs T.S. that Targon put some sort of drug on Dancin’ Joe’s mouthpiece. T.S. gets the mouthpiece from Decker, holds it up to his nose, and announces, “What they used, it don’t smell.” Amy then shows up to tell T.S. that he needs to turn himself in and that the reports from the lab prove that Dancin’ Joe was drugged. T.S. flees from the gym so he can track down the bartender who claimed to see him beating up the cornerman.

Because there’s only five minutes left in the episode, Targon and his men suddenly show up at the gym and take Decker and Amy hostage. Fortunately, T.S. decides to come back to the gym and he rather easily beats up all of Targon’s men and Targon himself!

“Stop, T.S.,” Amy says, “Leave Targon for the law.”

“Look at me!” T.S. shouts at Targon, “I want you to see what’s coming!” T.S. then runs his finger across his throat, allowing Targon to know that he will be heading to one of Canada’s prisons. Fortunately, for Targon, Canada has no death penalty.

With Targon captured, Dancin’ Joe gets to fight again and T.S. makes peace with Detective Jones (Ken James), the man who arrested him years ago and who has always doubted his innocence.

“I’m never going to change,” the Detective says.

“Neither am I,” T.S. growls.

Woo hoo! You tell ’em, T.S!

Episode 1.4 “Stowaway”

(Dir by Allen Kroeker, originally aired on February 1st, 1988)

“In this episode,” Mr. T says, “A runway kid has to grow up quickly when his friendship is tested and life depends on the outcome.”

“You know, when I was small,” T.S. says, “I used to think about running away also, but I didn’t realize my mother was doing the best she could with what she had.” T.S. delivers these lines from a hospital bed, which is where he spends most of this episode. While searching for a runaway named Fabian (Sean Roberge), T.S. got hit on the back of the head by a group of smugglers, temporarily taking him out of action.

Indeed, the majority of this episode is dominated not by T.S. Turner and Amy Taler but instead by Captain Grayson (played by the episode’s special guest star, Don Stroud). Captain Grayson is the captain of a boat that transports goods to South America. Fabian befriended Captain Grayson when he went to the docks to draw pictures. When Fabian runs away from home because he wants to go to sea with Captain Grayson, he discovers that Grayson is smuggling guns.

“People need those guns,” Grayson explains.

“Guns hurt people!” Fabian yells.

Anyway, Grayson is a good-hearted smuggler but his boss is not. Grayson is ordered to keep Fabian on the boat and to drop him off somewhere in South America. However, Grayson feels very guilty about this and Don Stroud, who is probably best-remembered for playing the convict who Clint Eastwood tracked to New York in Coogan’s Bluff, does a really good job of portraying Grayson’s inner conflict. Grayson finally decides to let Fabian go home. At the same time, T.S. Turner sneaks out of his hospital bed and rescues Fabian from the other smugglers, none of whom are as good-hearted as Grayson.

“If you really want to make your mother proud of you,” T.S. tells Fabian, “stay in school, get a good education, learn to become an architect, and never run away again.” T.S. also convinces Fabian to forgive Grayson for holding him prisoner. “Little brother, that man cares for you.”

These were two good episodes of T. and T. Yes, the plots were predictable but the appeal of this show is listening to Mr. T talk and sound like Mr. T. And Mr. T does a lot of talking in these two episodes.

Retro Television Reviews: City Guys 5.23 “Prom-Lems” and 5.24 “Goodbye Manny High”

Posted on August 17, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Thursdays, I will be reviewing City Guys, which ran on NBC from 1997 to 2001. Almost the entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

It’s taken nearly a year but we’re almost done with City Guys! This week, it’s time for the last prom and graduation!

Episode 5.23 “Prom-Lems”

(Dir by Frank Bonner, originally aired on December 1st, 2001)

It’s time for the last prom of the graduating class of Manny High! Al and Dawn decide that, even though they are broken up, they will still go to the prom together. L-Train and Jamal try to show their dates a wonderful night but first the limo they ordered cancels and then L-Train fails to make the reservations for dinner at Tavern in the Green. Not surprisingly, their dates are a bit less than impressed with the idea of having jambalaya at the Manhattan Diner. Meanwhile, Ms. Noble won’t stop going on about how she doesn’t have anyone to go to prom with because her husband is out of town. Ms. Noble, once again …. YOU’RE THE PRINCIPAL! PROM IS NOT ABOUT YOU! Anyway, Ms. Noble’s husband does come back home in time to take her to prom so, fortunately, everyone is spared from having to listen to Ms. Noble whine about it.

The majority of the episode focuses on Chris and Cassidy. Chris and Cassidy should be happy because they’re named Prom King and Queen but there’s an issue that could have easily been resolved by everyone not being an idiot and not jumping to conclusions. When Cassidy learns that Chris is going to give her a ring at prom, she thinks that Chris is not only going to ask her to marry him but that he is also pressure her to go to Duke with him and leave behind her plans of attending Cal Arts. But, it turns out that Chris just wanted to give her a ring because it seemed like a romantic thing to do. This is another one of those issues that could have been resolved by Cassidy just asking Chris about the ring.

Every high school show produced by Peter Engel featured a “final prom” episode and, by that time City Guys got around to it, the show and its writers were obviously just going through the motions. It’s a pretty boring prom, to be honest. It’s nowhere near as touching as the California Dreams playing their final gig or Jessie and Slater sharing one last dance. It’s just another night at Manny High.

(Why were teenagers in Peter Engel sitcoms always applying to Duke?)

Episode 5.24 “Goodbye Manny High”

(Dir by Frank Bonner, originally aired on December 8th, 2001)

Graduation is approaching but life at Manny High is still as pointlessly complicated as ever.

For instance, Dawn has been entrusted with ordering the school’s diplomas. Why would that be Dawn’s job? Shouldn’t that be Ms. Noble’s job or maybe the job of the school district? Well, needless to say, Dawn screws up and ends up getting a bunch of diplomas that were supposed to go to a private school in Canada. Al, however, says that his cousin can get them some new diplomas before Ms. Noble ever finds out. Again …. WHY ARE STUDENTS IN CHARGE OF THIS!? Here’s the thing with diplomas. They’re kind of important. You don’t just hand out homemade diplomas. When the students of Manny High are applying for their first post-High School jobs, I can only imagine how their potential employers are going to react to being handed a home-made diploma.

Meanwhile, Chris and Jamal have to figure out the best way to end their stupid radio show. Even after Chris puts on a turban and speaks in a fake Indian accent (and yes, it is all incredibly cringey), Chris cannot figure out how he and Jamal should say goodbye to Manny High.

But the biggest problem might be L-Train’s! After being held back three times, L-Train is excited because he’s finally going to graduate. Except …. he’s not! He’s short one credit and there’s no way he can make up that credit in just four days so it looks like the Bayside Gang is going to have to figure out a way to help Zack graduate. Oh wait, I’m sorry. I got confused as to which Peter Engel-produced show’s graduation episode I was reviewing. It’s understandable as the exact same thing that happens to L-Train also happened to Zack Morris at the end of Saved By The Bell. It’s almost as if Peter Engel’s stable of writers had collectively given up on coming up with new ideas during the final two seasons of City Guys.…

Anyway, just as how the Saved By The Bell girls totally ruined their final ballet performance so Zack could get his final credit, Cassidy decides to put on a one-act play, starring L-Train. The play is called For Girls Only and, of course, it requires that L-Train put on a wig and speak in a slightly higher voice. The school board is impressed with the play and gives L-Train his elective credit. L-Train graduates! L-Train thanks Ms. Noble for helping him to go from being a bully to being a high school graduate and, as was so often the case with this show, Steven Daniel’s sweet sincerity makes the scene work, despite the somewhat overwritten dialogue.

As for the other storylines, Chris and Jamal end their final show by announcing, “Goodbye, Manny High!” The fake diplomas arrive just in time for graduation. Everyone puts on their red robes and, after five long and punishing seasons, they receive their diplomas. The camera glides through Manny High’s empty hallways and we hear dialogue from past episodes. For all the silliness of this episode and the show in general, these final moments were kind of touching, if just because it reminded me of my own feelings when I graduated high school. Plus, an empty school hallway always feels like the perfect way to wrap up any show about high school.

Yay, it’s over! City Guys is over!

Except it’s not. There’s still more two episodes to go. We’ll get to them next week and then, City Guys will finally be over.

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 3.1 and 3.2 “The Alaskan Wedding Cruise: Carol and Doug’s Story/Peter and Alicia’s Story/Julie’s Story/Buddy and Portia’s Story”

Posted on August 16, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

The Love Boat sets sail for season 3!

Episode 3.1 and 3.2 “The Alaskan Wedding Cruise: Carol and Doug’s Story/Peter and Alicia’s Story/Julie’s Story/Buddy and Portia’s Story”

(Dir by Roger Duchowny, originally aired on September 15th, 1979)

The third season of The Love Boat starts with a special voyage to Alaska and a two-hour running time. It’s double the guest stars, double the melodrama, double the goofiness, and double the romance! The opening also features new clips for Doc, Gopher, and Julie. Whereas the first two seasons introduced Doc listening to his own heartbeat, the third season opening features him laughing while leaning against a railing. Gopher’s new opening credit features him looking wistfully out at the ocean and it’s a much more mature look for him. As for Julie, she’s still smiling and perky but she’s let her hair grow out. If the first two seasons of The Love Boat featured Julie looking like the star of the high school drama department, she looks more like the most popular cheerleader now. As for the Captain, he continues to salute the camera and Isaac continues to do his signature pointing.

The episode opens in Canada. The boat is docked in Vancouver, where it has been rented out by a huge and wealthy wedding party. The boat will be sailing to Alaska. Isaac has been reading everything that he can find about Alaska and he spends most of the episode sharing trivia about the state’s history. Gopher, preparing for Alaska’s cold weather, buys a gigantic coat. Meanwhile, Doc Bricker makes jokes about his ex-wives and Capt. Stubing tries to keep everything professional. (“You’re not going to the North Pole!” he snaps at Gopher when he sees the size of his new fur coat.)

As for Julie, her mind is elsewhere. Alaska is where Jack (Tony Roberts) lives. Who is Jack? During the second season, he was a passenger who fell in love with Julie and who asked Julie to marry him. She knows that she’s going to see Jack in Alaska and she’s going to give him an answer as far as his proposal is concerned. (If you don’t remember Jack asking Julie to marry him, don’t feel bad. I had forgotten about it, too. Fortunately, the first hour of this episode is full of flashbacks to Jack’s previous episode.) Is Julie ready to settle down? While Julie tries to make up her mind, she also has to deal with the romantic intentions of the wedding party’s dorky best man (Donny Most).

As for the wedding party, Carol (Lisa Hartman) and Doug (Mark Harmon, sporting a truly unfortunate haircut) are looking forward to getting married, even though Doug’s ex-girlfriend (Caren Kaye) is also on the boat and determined to win Doug back. If that means jumping out a cake while wearing a bikini, she’ll do it. Doug is more concerned about the fact that his estranged, alcoholic father, Peter (Ray Milland) had turned up on the cruise despite having not been invited to or even informed about the wedding. Peter has stopped drinking and is trying to make peace with his son and his ex-wife, Alicia (Eleanor Parker). What Doug and Alicia do not know is that Peter is terminally ill. And what neither Doug nor Peter knows is that Alicia is on the verge of filing for bankruptcy.

Meanwhile, Carol’s plain-spoken grandfather (Lorne Greene) feels uncomfortable with all of the rich folks but then he meets Doug’s equally plain-spoken aunt (Audra Lindley). Could we be heading for a double wedding? It is The Love Boat, after all!

There aren’t really any big surprises on this episode but it’s likable nonetheless. For this episode, the crew and the cast actually sailed to Alaska and all the action was filmed during an actual cruise. The scenery is gorgeous, even if it’s obvious that the cast was frequently freezing while filming their scenes. By this point, the show’s regulars had their chemistry down perfectly and all of the 3rd season premiere’s guest stars are well-selected. I especially liked the performances of Lorne Greene, Audra Lindley, the great Ray Milland, and Tony Roberts. Julie and Jack’s reunion was far more touching that I think anyone would expect from a show like The Love Boat, with Tony Roberts playing the role of Jack so well that the viewer really did believe that, under different circumstances, he and Julie truly would have had a wonderful life together. This was a great way to start the third season.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 3.10 “Class of 69/The Pug”

Posted on August 15, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. Almost entire show is currently streaming is on Youtube!

This week, boxing comes to Fantasy Island!

Episode 3.10 “Class of 69/The Pug”

(Dir by Earl Bellamy, originally aired on November 24th, 1979)

Once again, this episode opens with no banter between Mr. Roarke and Tattoo. Instead, Tattoo announces the arrival of the plane and rings the bell and then he and Mr. Roarke head down to the docks to meet their guests. This is the third episode in a row without any pre-guest banter and I have to admit that I’m really missing it.

As for this week’s guests, they’re an improvement on last week’s rather forgettable offering.

Joey Lee (Gary Collins) is a former heavyweight boxer who comes to the Island with his son, Mitch (K.C. Martel). Joey thinks that he’s just been hired to serve as a sparring partner for the world champion, Jackson Malone (Fred Williamson). Jackson has a title defense coming up, right on the Island. What Joey doesn’t know is that Mitch’s fantasy is for his father to have a shot at the championship. When Malone’s opponent has to drop out of the fight, Joey is named as a substitute. Mitch is excited, until he finds out that Joey is being pressured to take a dive in the third round. Will Joey throw the fight? And, even if Joey doesn’t, how will Mitch react to seeing his father getting pounded in the face by the world champion? Will Mitch learn that his love for his father is more important than his father’s championship?

This fantasy was a typical Rocky rip-off, right down to Fred Williamson doing a credible Apollo Creed impersonation. The problem, of course, is that the middle-aged and mild-mannered Gary Collins was in no way credible as a heavyweight boxer. The fact that the world champion was played by an actual athlete didn’t help matters. (It’s true that Carl Weathers, like Williamson, was also a football player before he played Apollo but Sylvester Stallone himself had been an amateur boxer before he played Rocky so it was easier to buy the idea of their match going the distance.) In the end, I liked the fact that Mitch realized that his father’s health was more important than being champion. The fantasy had a nice ending, even if it’s difficult to buy the set-up.

The other fantasy featured Adrienne Barbeau as Brenda Richards. When she first arrives on Fantasy Island, Tattoo comments on how obese Brenda is, even though she’s only a few pounds overweight. (Adrienne Barbeau wears a very unconvincing fat suit.) Mr. Roarke explains that Brenda was humiliated at her high school prom when her date, arrogant jock Lance (Tim Thomerson), tricked her into undressing in the gym before then bringing in the entire senior class in to laugh at her. (Yikes!) The high school reunion is being held on Fantasy Island and Brenda’s fantasy is to get revenge. Roarke gives her a potion which allows her to be thin for 48 hours. (In reality, Barbeau just ditches the fat suit.)

At the reunion, Brenda tricks Lance into taking off his wig. The entire senior class discovers that Lance is totally bald and they laugh and laugh. Everyone is impressed with Brenda’s revenge except for Brenda’s old high school friend, Bernie Drexel (Fred Grandy, taking a break from The Love Boat). Brenda sees that she was just as cruel to Lance as he was to her back in high school so she makes a public apology and encourages everyone to be kind to one another. Barbeau then puts the fat suit back on. Bernie says that Brenda will always be the most beautiful woman that he knows. Awwwww!

I actually liked this fantasy, largely because of the chemistry between Barbeau and Grandy. Plus, Tim Thomerson made a great arrogant jock. I know that some people will say that this episode featured too many jokes about Brenda’s weight (especially considering the fact that, even before drinking the potion, Brenda was hardly obese) but I appreciated the fact that it had an anti-bullying message. And if her romance with Bernie inspires Brenda to eat healthy and start getting regular exercise, all the better!

At the end of the episode, Mr. Roarke tells Tattoo that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. “To me,” Mr. Roarke says, “you are six feet two inches tall.”

Uhmmm….yeah, I don’t know how I feel about that ending. It seems like the show, whether intentionally or not, is saying that Tattoo will be forever unloved because of his height. Even without the pre-guest banter, Roarke is finding ways to passive-aggressively taunt his assistant. That’s life on Fantasy Island.

Retro Television Reviews: Hang Time 6.5 “Have No Fear” and 6.6 “At The Movies”

Posted on August 14, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Will you always remember you and your friends at Hang Time?

Episode 6.5 “Have No Fear”

(Directed by Miguel Higuera, originally aired on October 21st, 2000)

Temple U. comes to Deering to offer Silk a full scholarship to attend their college and play basketball for their team. At first, Silk is excited but then he makes the mistake of playing a little basketball with the college players. It turns out that they’re a hundred times better than Silk! Silk then discovers that Temple expects its players to practice everyday, to attend every away game, and to maintain a B average. Silk decides that it’s too much to deal with and announces that he would rather go to Atlantic University.

“Atlantic sucks!” Eugene exclaims.

Anyway, Coach K eventually tells Silk that he need to take the chance and go to Temple. Personally, I think Silk had every right to be concerned because, over the past few seasons, it’s not like Silk has ever been that good of a player. For instance, he’s never the one who shoots the game-winning basket. He’s never the one who risks getting hooked on pills because the team will lose if he’s not on the court. He’s never been the one who has gotten an oversized ego after being featured in a magazine. By the standards of Hang Time, he’s a below-average player. Why does Temple want him as opposed to Michael or Julie?

All that said, Silk still decides to take a shot and go to Temple. Good for him.

Meanwhile, in the far more amusing B-plot, Julie and Kristy buy a car together but then spend all of their time arguing over who is a better driver and who gets to use the car on which night. This is another one of those plots where Mary Beth acts as an agent of chaos. She’s the one who suggests that Kristy and Julie should get the car together and, for some reason, she tags along when Kristy and Antonio and Michael and Julie go on a double-date together. At this point, I think the only reason why Mary Beth is still attending classes at Deering is so she can cause stir the drama. That’s actually kind of neat. It suggests that Mary Beth knows that she’s in a television show and that she understands that this particular episode needed some silliness to make up for all of the uninteresting stuff with Silk. Good for Mary Beth!

Episode 6.6 “At The Movies”

(Directed by Miguel Higuera, originally aired on October 28th, 2000)

Oh God.

This episode features Dustin Diamond playing himself.

Antonio and Kristy are both working at the movie theater as a part of their “work study program.” (Why can’t they just get a job? Why does it have to be a part of a program?) Anyway, Kristy is appointed assistant manager and decides that a sure way to make money would be to do a midnight showing of Saved By The Bell: Wedding in Vegas. And because the other members of the Saved By The Bell cast had all moved on to real careers by the time this episode was filmed, the show had to make due with Dustin Diamond showing up as the special celebrity guest. Yes, Dustin plays himself but still speaks in his annoying Screech voice.

I don’t want to talk too much about it. I pretty much zoned out as soon as Dustin arrived. I feel a little bit bad about that because Dustin Diamond did not have a particularly happy life and died far too young but, still, he was so annoying whenever he did the whole Screech thing. Add to that, you may remember that, a few seasons ago, Dustin Diamond made a cameo appearance as Screech. And before that, Mary Beth went to Space Camp with Ryan Parker, a student at Bayside. So, what’s the deal, Hang Time? How is Screech both real and fictional at the same time?

Meanwhile, Mary Beth freaked out after she had a romantic dream about Eugene. This led to Mary Beth going out on a date with Eugene to see if she actually had feelings for him. (Uhmm, Mary Beth …. remember that you have a boyfriend going to Duke?) It turned out that Mary Beth didn’t and that’s a good thing. We already suffered through Mary Beth dating Vince.

Anyway, the important thing is that everything worked out in the end. With the help of Dustin Diamond, Antonio learned a lesson about being a good employee and Mary Beth realized that she wasn’t in love with Eugene. Yay!

Next week: Hammer returns!

Lisa Marie’s Week In Television: 8/6/23 — 8/12/23

Posted on August 12, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Big Brother (24/7, CBS and Paramount Plus)

I wrote about Big Brother here!

The Challenge USA (Thursday Night, CBS)

The latest season of this reality show premiered this week. I kind of watched it but, to be honest, I got bored and tuned out after 20 minutes or so. As far as I can tell, The Challenge mostly seems to exist to give work to former reality show contestants who don’t want to return to their former lives.

City Guys (YouTube)

I wrote about City Guys here!

Claim to Fame (Monday Night, ABC)

The remaining contestants finally figured out that Hugo was Jimmy Carter’s grandson and they sent him packing. I’m enjoying this show, though I’m still annoyed all of my favorites have been eliminated. That said, Hugo wasn’t one of my favorites so this week was a good one.

Dr. Phil (YouTube)

Despite being opposed to Dr. Phil on general principle, I did have the show on for background noise while I was getting some work done on Tuesday. The first episode featured an out-of-control teen who got sent to rehab. Phil said that the parents were ultimately to blame and, for once, I agreed because her parents really were the worst! The 2nd episode featured a man who somehow thought it would be okay to live with both his wife and his mistress in the same house. Dr. Phil explained why this arrangement probably would not work. The 3rd episode featured a woman who hired a nanny off of Craig’s List and who was shocked when the Nanny turned out to be a bit shady. The fourth episode featured a former beauty pageant contestant who was now an out-of-control teen. Dr. Phil sent her to a mental health facility, which led to a lot of tears. It was awkward. I’m not sure I agree with Dr. Phil’s solution. I think it was more about making the audience happy than helping the child. Finally, for the fifth episode, I watched an episode about two sisters who claimed they would never accept their new stepmother. The family was a complete mess. I felt bad for the stepmother.

The Love Boat (Paramount Plus)

I wrote about The Love Boat here.

Saved By The Bell (MeTV)

On Sunday morning, I watched three full hours of Saved By The Bell. Zack started dating Kristy, the new wrestler. But then, in the next episode, he was suddenly trying to date Slater’s ex-girlfriend from Germany, showing that Zack definitely had commitment issues. Zack then had an operation on his knee and returned to school in time to convince everyone to not allow oil drilling on Bayside’s property. (Poor Becky!) Then, it was time to rig a chess tournament and head to the mall so that he and his friends could buy tickets to (snicker) the U2 concert. The common factor in all of these episodes was everyone putting way too much faith in Screech.

Solid Gold (YouTube)

I watched an episode of this old 80s music show on Sunday night. The episode I watched was from 1982 and it featured some good music and a lot of dancing so I enjoyed it.

Stars on Mars (Monday Night, Fox)

The Lance Armstrong redemption has come to an end as Armstrong left “Mars” this week.

T. and T. (Tubi)

I wrote about T. and T. here!

Welcome Back, Kotter (Tubi)

I wrote about Welcome Back Kotter here!

Yes, Minister (Monday Morning, PBS)

In the special one-hour Christmas special, Jim Hacker became Prime Minister! While it’s true that he became PM because everyone was impressed by the fact that he had no strongly held beliefs, it was still hard not to be happy for him. I love this show.

Retro Television Reviews: Welcome Back Kotter 1.20 “The Telethon” and 1.21 “Kotter Makes Good”

Posted on August 12, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

It’s exam time!

Episode 1.20 “The Telethon”

(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on February 12th, 1976)

Gabe tells Julie about the time he went to visit “my uncle, Mo Kotter, in the hospital.” Uncle Mo was in an oxygen tent. Gabe accidentally stepped on his air hose. Uh-oh!

At school, Gabe shows up for class and immediately makes the Sweathogs groan by announcing that it’s time to take a test. He passes out the test papers and Freddie announces that this is a test that he can pass. Yay! I’ve always felt that Freddie was actually one of the smarter Sweathogs and I’m glad to see that he is finally making an effort to excel academically and …. oh wait. Freddie is just pointing out that the test papers are blank because the school’s Xerox machine has broken down.

Yes, the school desperately needs money. But how can the Sweathogs raise money for their much-needed supplies? Barbarino volunteers to sell kisses. Freddie suggests stealing hubcaps. Horshack starts shouting, “Let’s put on a show!” Gabe argues that no television station — not even public access channel 52.4 — would agree to air a Sweathog telethon. However, Mr. Woodman stops by the classroom to gloat about how, due to budget cuts, the remedial Sweathog class is going to have to be cut, unless the Sweathogs can come up with $700. Realizing the seriousness of the situation, Gabe and the Sweathogs invite the president of channel 52.4 to the school so that he can see the Sweathogs perform Me and My Shadow. Needless to say, the Sweathogs get their telethon! Will they be able to raise $700?

(Seriously, no one had an extra $700 lying around?)

The telethon is broadcast live from Gabe’s classroom and even Mr. Woodman shows up in a tux. “I sing!” he explains. Once the show goes live, Gabe (of all people) freezes up on camera so Julie has to grab the microphone from him and explain the purpose of the telethon. Julie proceeds to sing a deliberately off-key version of Let Me Entertain You. Juan Epstein sings a version of “Day-O” while playing the bongo drums. Freddie sings a song and turns out to be just as off-key as Julie. Gabe and Horshack do a somewhat disturbing routine where Gabe pretends to be a ventriloquist and Horshack pretends to be the dummy. Barbarino sings his “Ba-Ba-Barbarino song.” And I have to admit that I actually laughed at all this. I’ve seen a lot of “let’s put on a show” episodes from the 70s and this is one of the first where the point is that no one is as talented as they originally claimed. It’s a fun little twist.

As the telethon comes to an end, Gabe realizes that they still need to raise $22 to make their goal. (Can’t Gabe just donate $22 from his next paycheck?) Anyway, Gabe’s mom calls and offers to donate $22 if Gabe sings some silly song from his childhood. Gabe sings something about apple pie and — yay! The Sweathogs are saved. Woodman sings My Way as the telethon comes to a close.

Back the apartment, Gabe asks Julie if he’s ever told her about his Uncle Ben. “Did he make rice?” Julie replies. Gabe explains that Ben didn’t make rice but that he was schizophrenic.

Anyway, the important thing is that the Sweathogs raised $700 without having to contribute any money themselves. New York City really is a generous city.

Episode 1.21 “Kotter Makes Good”

(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on February 19th, 1976)

Gabe asks Julie if he’s ever told her about the time that his cousin Brucie didn’t want to go to school because all the student made fun of him. Aunt Elsie told Brucie that he had to go to school because, “You’re 37 and you’re the principal.”

At school, the Sweathogs are worried about exam week. Horshack makes out his last will and testament because his father is going to kill him when he sees his grades. (Yikes!) Epstein has a note from “Epstein’s mother,” requesting that he be excused from exams because he’ll be attending the Ecumenical Council in Rome. Gabe attempts to encourage the Sweathogs to just study and take the tests but he is interrupted by Mr. Woodman, who drops by to announce that Gabe never took his senior exams. Horshack says that Gabe should just take the upcoming exams with the Sweathogs.

Back at the apartment, Gabe searches for his old school records while Julie tells him that he needs to study. Suddenly, the Sweathogs show up to help Gabe study. Epstein brings the blackboard from school. (“It just fell off the wall,” Epstein says.) Horshack shows up dressed like Mr. Kotter and asking Julie if she wants to hear a joke about his uncle. Though it takes a while, especially with Gabe deciding to show the Sweathogs what its like to teach them (“Hi there,” Gabe repeatedly says to Freddie), Gabe eventually realizes how much his students care about him and he decides to study with them.

At the school, a chagrined and twitching Woodman tells Gabe that he made a mistake and Gabe actually did take his senior exams while a student at Buchanan High. Gabe, however, takes the makeup exams anyways. He passes every exam, though he does come very close to failing his Algebra test. The Sweathogs celebrate by singing a version of the Mickey Mouse Club song.

Back at the apartment, Gabe tells Julie about his Aunt Selma, who was a lousy driver and parked her car in the kitchen. This is followed by a second joke, in which Gabe tells Julie about two brothers who always went fishing. The jokes probably would have been funnier if Gabe had been able to tell them without Julie interrupting him every few minutes. This was one of those episodes were you could really see that there was some truth behind the stories of Marcia Strassman hating her time on the show.

This was one of those episodes that worked primarily due to the chemistry between the members of the cast. Horshack’s Kotter impersonation was surprisingly effective and John Sylvester White’s unhinged performance as Woodman was, once again, a highlight of the episode.

Next week: Barbarino becomes a priest and the first season ends!