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Author Archives: Lisa Marie Bowman
Late Night Retro Television Review: 1st & Ten 1.1 “By The Bulls”
Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing 1st and Ten, which aired in syndication from 1984 to 1991. The entire series is streaming on Tubi.
For a few years now, first Prime and now Tubi have been recommending that I watch a sitcom called 1st & Ten.
My initial reaction, upon looking the show up online and discovering that it was about a football team that was owned by a woman and coached (from the second season on) by OJ Simpson, was to say, “Why would I want to watch this?” And, to be honest, that’s still kind of my reaction. Football is not my thing. The only thing that is less my thing than football is soccer.
(“But in the rest of the world, soccer is called….” Yeah, yeah, I know. I don’t care.)
But then I read on and discovered that this is actually a historically significant show in that it was HBO’s first attempt to produce an original sitcom. It was later sold into syndication, with all of the cursing and nudity edited out. (Apparently, most of the episodes that are currently on Tubi are the edited syndication versions.) That piqued my interest. I may not care about football but I love historical footnotes.
So, without further ado, let’s get things started.
Episode 1.1 “By The Bulls”
(Dir by Rod Daniel, originally aired on December 2nd, 1984)
The show begins as wealthy Diane Barrow (Delta Burke) comes home to her mansion and discovers her husband, naked in their bedroom with another man. “This is Ty Tylor,” her husband says, “he’s a tight end.”
“I bet he is!” Diane replies.
Later, while talking to her divorce lawyer (Earl Boen), Diane announces, “I want his Bulls!”
“You want his….?” the lawyer replies, glancing down at his crotch.
No, Diane doesn’t want his balls She wants the Los Angeles Bulls, the football team that he owns. When the lawyer replies that Diane’s husband loves the Bulls, Diane announces that if she doesn’t get the football team, she’ll let the world know that her husband’s gay.
(It’s the 1980s, folks.)
Diane gets the Bulls and she also gets a lot of attention due to being apparently the only woman to ever own a football team. Everyone doubts her but Diane is determined to prove herself. However, her sniveling general manager (and her husband’s nephew), Roger Barrow (Clayton Landey), tries to end her ownership before the season even begins by planting cocaine in her mansion, His plan is that, during the pre-season party, one of the players will snort the cocaine and …. I don’t know. I guess he’s hoping some will call the police or something. It doesn’t seem like much of a plan, to be honest.
Fortunately, veteran Coach Ernie Denardo (Reid Scott) hears about the plan from a friend of his so he rushes over to the party and gets rid of the cocaine, though not before letting Diane know that she has powerful enemies. That was nice of him since Diane previously fired him for being incompetent. Needless to say, Denardo gets his job back.
And that’s it! We did get to see a few snippets of the players, who all seem to be wild and wacky. Carl Witherspoon (Sam Scarber) shows up at the party with his lawyer and demands a lot of money. Another player, Kyle Brody (Robert Logan), tries to hit on Diane. I checked with the imdb and this is Logan’s only appearance on the show so I’m not really sure what the point of him being at the party was. It’s a pilot so I imagine that a lot of the background people in this episode will never be seen again.
Overall, my feeling about the pilot was that it …. well, it sucked. The humor fell flat. The acting was terrible. Delta Burke showed some potential as Diane but I didn’t like how, after demanding, “I want his Bulls!,” Diane suddenly became this passive character who needed Denardo to tell her about the cocaine in her mansion. But you know what? It’s always unfair to judge a show by it’s pilot. The Office, for instance, had a terrible pilot. In the end, this particular pilot did what it was supposed to do — it introduced us to the main character and it set up the premise of the show.
We’ll see if things get better in the weeks to come.
4 Shots From 4 Films: Is It October Yet?
4 Shots From 4 Films is just what it says it is, 4 shots from 4 of our favorite films. As opposed to the reviews and recaps that we usually post, 4 Shots From 4 Films lets the visuals do the talking.
We’re halfway through July, which means that it’s time for me to get ready for October! (Seriously, who cares about August and September?) Here to inspire are….
4 Shots From 4 Horror Movies
Night of the Living Dead (1968, dir by George Romero)
The Exorcist (1973, dir by William Friedkin, DP: Owen Roizman)
Carrie (1976, dir by Brian De Palma, DP: Mario Tosi)
Suspiria (1977, dir by Dario Argento, DP: Luciano Tovoli)
Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 6.7 and 6.8 “The Spoonmaker Diamond/Papa Doc/The Role Model/Julie’s Tycoon”
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!
Come aboard, we’re expecting you….
Episodes 6.7 and 6.8 “The Spoonmaker Diamond/Papa Doc/The Role Model/Julie’s Tycoon”
(Dir by Robert Scheerer, originally aired on November 13th, 1982)
The Love Boat is going to Greece and Turkey!
Well, actually, it’s the Love Boat crew that is going to Greece and Turkey. They’ve been asked to temporarily take over another ship and, of course, Captain Stubing said yes. This is one of those two-hour Love Boat episodes where the action was actually shot on location and on a real cruise ship. As such, it’s more of a travelogue that anything. We get to see the sights of both Greece and Turkey and no one makes any jokes about Midnight Express.
The majority of the storylines revolve around the Spoonmaker Diamond, a very valuable diamond that has been stolen by someone on the ship. Was the diamond stolen by Emmett and Ellen Stokes (Harvey Korman and Nancy Dussault)? Was the diamond stolen by Mark Hayward (Mike Connors)? That’s what Inspector Sadu (Jamie Farr) is trying to figure out! Of course, regardless of who stole it, it ultimately ends up in the unknowing possession of travel agent Dana Pierce (Polly Bergen). Will Mark steal the diamond or will he fall in love with Dana? Why can’t he do both? This was an odd story because you had the goofiness of Harvey Korman and Jamie Farr and then you had the grouchy intensity of Mike Connors. Connors seemed to be under the impression that he was appearing on a hard-boiled crime show as opposed to an enjoyably silly comedy about a cruise ship.
Meanwhile, Sabrina Drake (Jan Smithers) is a young heiress who is traveling with her mother, Amanda (Alexis Smith). Amanda is not happy when she sees that tabloid reporter Joe Novak (Kiel Martin) is also on the cruise. She’ll probably be even less happy when she discovers that Amanda is 1) secretly seeing Joe and 2) is pregnant. When Doc finds out that Sabrina is pregnant, he offers to marry her. Why not? He’s known her for two days and he’s in love. Fortunately, Joe talks to Amanda and wins Amanda’s blessing for his relationship with Sabrina. Doc remains single.
Speaking of marriage, Greek tycoon Gregori Pananopolis (Lorenzo Lamas) asks Julie to marry him. Julie is stunned and says she needs some time to think it over. She tells Captain Stubing that she’s not sure if she’s ready to get married. Uhmm …. Julie, this like the third or fourth guy who had asked you to marry him on this show. You’ve nearly gotten married twice. It’s odd how the show always acts as if marriage proposals aren’t a recurring theme when it comes to Julie. Fortunately, Julie stays single because we all know she’s destined to eventually marry Doc. Or Gopher, maybe.
Fashion photographer Cliff Jacobs (David Hedison) runs into his ex-wife, model Monica Brandon (Linda Evans). He lies about having landed a job with a magazine in order to get her to pose for him. He also takes some pictures of Vicki posing amongst the ruins of Greece. Later, a magazine contacts him and offers to make Vicki into a star but he and Monica decide not to tell Vicki because they don’t want her to have to deal with pressure of being a model. Hey Cliff and Monica, that’s really not your decision to make. I’m sure being a model would be no less detrimental to Vicki than spending her entire youth on a cruise ship with people who are several decades older than her.
As I said at the start of the review, this episode worked best as a travelogue. None of the stories were particularly intriguing but the scenery was lovely. Even Turkey looked like a nice place to visit!
Song of the Day: Rockstar by Nat and Alex Wolff
This is a song that I first heard when I first watched Palo Alto.
Ever since then, it’s a song that has randomly popped into my head at certain times, usually whenever I’m possessed by the melancholy spirit that always seems to follow me around this time of year. It’s a song that always makes me feel better, despite what happened in Palo Alto.
Music Video of the Day: ILYSMIH by Kali Uchis (2025, dir by ????)
We’ve all been there.
Enjoy!
Late Night Retro Television Review: Pacific Blue 2.11 “Deja Vu”
Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Pacific Blue, a cop show that aired from 1996 to 2000 on the USA Network! It’s currently streaming everywhere, though I’m watching it on Tubi.
This week, someone is out to frame Palermo! It couldn’t happen to a nicer guy.
Episode 2.11 “Deja Vu”
(Dir by Michael Levine, originally aired on November 10th, 1996)
Palermo is upset because his former partner is returned to the boardwalk and is now running an arcade. Gene Savage (Joe Cortese) may have once been a cop but now he’s a paroled ex-con and it was Palermo’s testimony that led to Savage being convicted in the first place. Palermo suspects that Savage is out for revenge and it turns out that he is. He tries to frame Palermo for a murder. Internal Affairs demands Palermo’s badge.
And the thing is …. I know I’m supposed to feel bad for Palermo but I don’t. Palermo’s a self-righteous jerk. He’s been a self-righteous jerk since the start of the show. He acts like riding a bicycle somehow makes him superior to everyone else on the boardwalk. Finding out that he testified against his partner makes him seem like even more of a jerk. It’s hard to like a snitch.
This entire episode is built around the idea of Palermo being treated unfairly but I kind of feel like he needed to be taken down a rung or two. Maybe now, he won’t be so rude when he arrests people. Maybe he’ll understand that not everyone cares about his whole bicycle thing. Probably not, though.
While Palermo was dealing with his ex-partner, Cory and Chris dealt with the Good Samaritans, a group of blue beret-wearing citizens who attempted to fight crime on their own. Andy Miller (Keith Coulouris) was determined to take down the local drug dealer. When Andy’s partner (Claudette Mink) got shot and nearly died, Andy snapped and grabbed a gun and tried to get revenge himself. Cory was there to arrest not only the drug dealer but also Andy. “You’re a danger to the community and yourself!” Cory snapped.
Ugh. People who ride bicycles shouldn’t try to act like badsses. Seriously, is there a less likable cast of characters than the Pacific Blue crew? It’s not a good thing when a cop leaves me rooting for the criminals.
Film Review: Battlefield Earth (dir by Roger Christian)
After avoiding it for 25 years, I finally watched the infamous 2000 fiasco, Battlefield Earth, last night.
Battlefield Earth, based on a superlong novel by creepy cult guru L. Ron Hubbard, was a longtime passion project of John Travolta’s. Travolta, a Scientologist, had long wanted to make a movie out of Hubbard’s science fiction epic and, on a hot streak following films like Pulp Fiction and Get Shorty, he finally did so in 2000. He played Terl, a member of a giant alien race called the Psychlos. The Psychlos have conquered Earth and humanity has regressed back to an almost prehistoric standard of living. When a brave human, Johnnie Goodboy Tyler (Barry Pepper), defies his elders and proceeds to venture out into the ruins of Denver, he’s captured by Terl. Eventually, Johnnie is shown a copy of the Declaration of Independence and it inspires him to lead a revolution against the Psychlos.
Battlefield Earth turned out to be just as bad as I had heard, a charmless wannabe epic that used far too many Dutch angles and relied on slow motion to try to create a heroic (or, in some cases, tragic) feel to the action. The plot of the film felt like something recycled from an old 1930s serial, which makes sense when you consider that L. Ron Hubbard was a pulp writer before he decided to become a guru. What I was not prepared for was just how mind-numbingly dull Battlefield Earth is. Most bad movies can at least make the claim of being entertaining in their badness. If nothing else, you can often admire them for their ambition. Take a film like Plan 9 From Outer Space. Plan 9 From Outer Space is often derided as being the worst film of all time but it’s still terrifically entertaining and there’s a likable earnestness at the heart of it. Director Ed Wood may not have had a budget and his main star may have been present only through stock footage but, dammit, Wood was determined to make a science fiction epic that would double as a plea for world peace and he did just that. There’s a heart at the center of Plan 9 From Outer Space and that makes it a film that you can mock but you never quite dislike. For all the talk of Battlefield Earth being a passion project for Travolta, the end result is an empty and rather soulless film.
(I nearly listed Battlefield Earth as being one of our Icarus Files but then I remembered that Icarus at least managed to get close to the sun. Battlefield Earth can’t even get out of Denver.)
Travolta’s career has never really recovered from Battlefield Earth. He is an actor who can claim to have appeared in two of the biggest, most influential films of all time — Pulp Fiction and Saturday Night Fever — but his legacy appears to be walking around on stilts in Battlefield Earth. As for Barry Pepper, he does probably about as well as anyone could with the role of Johnnie Goodboy Tyler but still, it’s sad to see a good actor wasted in such a bad movie. (In fact, there’s quite a few good actors — Forest Whitaker, Kim Coates, Richard Tyson — wasted in this movie.) From what I understand, the movie only covered the first 400 pages of Hubbard’s 1100-page novel. Travolta had hopes to do a sequel but that’s not going to happen.
It’s for the best. If people need to see a movie about L. Ron Hubbard’s belief system, they can always rewatch The Master.
Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 7.1 “Forbidden Love/The Other Man — Mr. Roarke”
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984. Unfortunately, the show has been removed from most streaming sites. Fortunately, I’ve got nearly every episode on my DVR.
Today, we start the seventh and final season.
Episode 7.1 “Forbidden Love/The Other Man — Mr. Roarke”
(Dir by Don Weis, originally aired on October 8th, 1983)
The first episode of the seventh season finds Mr. Roarke handling two fantasies.
Widow Margaret Smith (Juliet Prowse) comes to Fantasy Island, hoping to meet the man of her dreams. However, when she does, it turns out that he’s the ex-boyfriend of her daughter, Ginny (Jamie Rose)! Can Margaret find love without hurting her daughter? Or is her love destined to remain forbdden….
Meanwhile, Deborah Barnes (Stephanie Faracy) wants to make her boyfriend jealous so Mr. Roarke arranges for her to meet a man on the Island. But when the man is suddenly unavailable, Mr. Roarke gallantly steps into his place. That’s nice of him. It shows how far Mr. Roarke will go to make the fantasies of his guests come true. Except — uh-oh! — now Deborah’s in love with Mr. Roarke! What can Mr. Roarke do to let Deborah down easily and repair her confidence?
Wow! That’s a lot of drama for one weekend! I wonder what Tattoo has to say…?
Tattoo? Are you there?
OH MY GOD, WHERE IS TATTOO!?
Tattoo is gone, replaced by a butler named Lawrence (Christopher Hewett) who is so heavy-set that he can’t even climb the stairs to ring the bell when the plane shows up over the island. Instead, he looks up at the sky and then pushes a remote button that makes the bell ring. That’s …. just lame. Over the past few years, I have resisted making “Da plane! Da plane!” jokes but seriously, it doesn’t feel right for the show not to start to those words.
What’s especially upsetting is that no one on the show mentions Tattoo. Roarke doesn’t mention why Tattoo is no longer on the Island. Instead, he acts as if Lawrence has always been his assistant. I mean, I understand that Herve Villechaize did not leave under the happiest of circumstances but it just feels cruel not to give Tattoo a proper send-off. Tattoo was a huge part of the show. His interactions with Mr. Roarke were the most consistently entertaining things about Fantasy Island. And now, he’s gone and the show refuses to even acknowledge that he was ever there.
As for Lawrence, he’s a butler. I don’t know how the season played out but, in the first episode, it was pretty clear that Lawrence was the hired help. (Tattoo, at the very least, always seemed to be on nearly equal footing as Roarke.) Lawrence calls Mr. Roarke “sir” and it just doesn’t feel right. Instead of being equals, they are very much employer and employee.
The fantasies are okay. I liked watching Roarke trying to make Deborah fall out of love with. But the addition of Lawrence felt so wrong and really distracting. It doesn’t bode well for the rest of season 7.
Song of the Day: Knockin’ On Heaven’s Door (Anomura Remix) by Bob Dylan
It was one year ago today that my Dad went into hospice care. Every day, from now through August 19th, is going to be a painful anniversary. My Dad loved music and that’s something that I inherited from him. The song below helped me get through a lot, both when my mom passed and now, with my Dad.
I miss you, Dad.
Through the Shattered Lens 