BloodRayne (2005, directed by Uwe Boll)


In 18th century Romania, Rayne (Kristanna Loken) is a vampire/human hybrid who is being forced to work in a freakshow by Leonid (Meat Loaf).  After Rayne escapes, she meets a fortune teller (Geraldine Chaplin) who informs her that her father is the feared king of the vampires, Kagan (Ben Kingsley), and that he raped her mother.  Rayne teams up with a group of vampire hunters (Matthew Davis, Michelle Rodriguez, and Michael Madsen) and sets out to destroy her father once and for all.

BloodRayne is perhaps not the worst film ever made about a vampire/human hybrid in Romania but it’s also nowhere near the best.  Instead, it’s another one of Uwe Boll’s cheap-looking video game adaptations where a group of talented actors slum it as action stars.  (Michael Pare, Udo Kier, and Billy Zane also appear in the movie.)  The movie is full of bad wigs and big swords.  Michael Madsen and Michelle Rodriguez are neither convincing as Russians or people who lived in the 18th Century.  Geraldine Chaplin tries to keep things interesting,  Ben Kingsley doesn’t.  Kristanna Loken is actually a good choice for Rayne, in that she’s hot and she’s convincing in the action scenes.  This is an easy film to laugh at but it features enough blood and nudity to keep its target audience happy.  Don’t try to follow the plot, though.  You’ll get a headache.

While we were watching the movie last night, Lisa suggested that Ben Kingsley was using his Gandhi Oscar as a stake.  Now that would have been something worth seeing!

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 5.15 “The Case Against Mr. Roarke/Save Sherlock Holmes”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984.  Unfortunately, the show has been removed from most streaming sites.  Fortunately, I’ve got nearly every episode on my DVR.

This week, Mr. Roarke might be a father!

Episode 5.15 “The Case Against Mr. Roarke/Save Sherlock Holmes”

(Dir by Don Weis, originally aired on February 6th, 1982)

After last week’s episode with Julie, Tattoo returns this week and Julie is nowhere to be seen.  When Mr. Roarke asks where Julie is, Tattoo mentions that Julie is helping with the Custer’s Last Stand fantasy.  At this point, I can only assume that a life insurance policy has been taking out on Julie and Roarke or Tattoo, or maybe both are trying to get her killed so they can collect.

Julie not being present means that she misses out on one of the biggest scandals in Fantasy Island history.  A former guest, Fran Warner (Laraine Stephens), returns to the Island after seven years.  Accompanying her is her six year-old daughter, Nancy (Nicole Eggert).  Fran loudly declares that Mr. Roarke is Nancy’s father and that he now has an obligation to take care of her.  Fran even has a birth certificate where, under the father’s name, someone has written — and I kid you not — “Mr. Roarke.”

Is Mr. Roarke the kid’s father?  As is his habit, he refuses to answer the question directly when Tattoo asks it.  But it soon turns out that no, Mr. Roarke is not Nancy’s father.  Instead, Fran is sick and may be dying and she wants to make sure that Nancy is cared for.  When Nancy learns the truth, she runs away and Tattoo leads a search party across the Island.  Fear not, of course.  Nancy is found and a very forgiving Mr. Roarke allows Nancy and Fran to stay on the Island.  And Fran’s terminal disease suddenly becomes less terminal!

While this is going on, security guard Kevin Lansing (Ron Ely) gets to live his fantasy of helping a great detective.  Kevin doesn’t care which detective he gets to help so Roarke sends him back to Victorian-era London so that Kevin can work with Dr. Watson (a charming Donald O’Connor) to save Sherlock Holmes (Peter Lawford, not looking well in one of his final performances) from the clutches of Moriarty (Mel Ferrer, being as sinister here as he was in countless giallo films).  Kevin also falls for Nurse Heavenly (RIta Jenrette, the wife of a corrupt Democrat member of Congress) and is pleased to discover that she’s not really Moriarty’s assistant.  Instead, she was just another guest on the Island having a fantasy.

The Sherlock Holmes story was silly but fun, in the way that Fantasy Island often is.  It’s always interesting when this show goes into the past and we get to see how the show’s crew dressed up the show’s sets to try to make them look historically accurate.  The same street appears in every episode but sometimes, that street is in 1890s London and sometimes, it’s in 1690s Salem and sometimes, it’s just in modern day Fantasy Island!  As for the Mr. Roarke’s a father storyline, it was predictable but still, it was a good showcase for Ricardo Montalban’s enigmatic interpretation of Mr. Roarke.

This was a pleasant trip to the Island!

Horror Scenes That I Love: The Interview With The Chief From Night of the Living Dead


“Yeah, they’re dead …. they’re all messed up.”

There’s a lot of disturbing scenes in the original Night of the Living Dead but I’ve always loved this live, televised interview with the chief of police.  First, there’s the delivery of that classic line.  “….they’re all messed up.”  Yes, they are.  Then there’s the fact that the chief doesn’t seem to be particularly perturbed by the fact that the dead are coming back to life.  Instead, his attitude is very straight-forward.  It’s happening, we need to take care of it, let’s arm some civilians.

Of course, this interview sets up the film’s ending, in which we learn that those helpful civilians with guns are a bit trigger happy and sometimes, the living get in the way.  When you first see this interview, it’s easy to laugh at the sight of the chief’s posse and everyone’s odd confidence that the dead will somehow just go away.  (Death, after all, is the one thing that is guaranteed to happen to everyone eventually.)  Once you know how the story’s going to end, though, this scene becomes much more ominous.

In the end, the film suggests that it’s not just dead who are all messed up.

Here’s The Trailer For Queer


The trailer for Luca Guadagnino’s Queer dropped today.  Based on a novel by William S. Burroughs, the film stars Daniel Craig as William Lee.  (Lee, of course, was Burroughs by any other name,)  After a drug bust, Lee heads down to Mexico and become infatuated with a drug-addicted former serviceman (played by Drew Starkey).

I’ve never really forgiven Guadagnino for his Suspiria remake and I think he’s a fairly overrated filmmaker but Queer has been getting a lot attention on the festival circuit and Daniel Craig has been getting a lot of Oscar buzz for his performance in the lead role.  So, we’ll see.  Here’s the trailer!

Horror Film Review: Godzilla vs. Megaguirus (dir by Masaaki Tezuka)


It has always bothered me whenever a long-running franchise decides that the best way to reboot things is to wipe away its own history.

Consider the James Bond films, in which the current producers apparently decided that Daniel Craig’s grim and whiny interpretation of the character was so definitive that it would be no big deal to wipe all of the previous Bond films out of existence.  Sorry, Sean Connery.  Sorry, Roger Moore, Timothy Dalton, Pierce Brosnan, and even George Lazenby.   Sorry, everyone who enjoyed the original Bond films and who enjoys spies who are relatively free of angst and self-pity.  Your films are now no longer canon, all because someone thought it would be a good idea for Bond and Blofeld to be brothers.

Consider the DC films, in which there are so many different versions of the same characters floating around that it’s next to impossible to keep straight what is an “official” film and what isn’t.  Admittedly, the majority of the DC films weren’t that good but still, there’s just something kind of annoying in the way that franchise in particular tends to just shrug and say, “Okay, that film doesn’t really count.”  Own your mistakes.

And then there’s my beloved Halloween franchise, ruined by David Gordon Green’s belief that he was better than the genre.  After years of brother/sister drama between Laurie Strode and Michael Myers, Green simply decided to do away with all of that and, in the process, he made the entire story (and Laurie Strode as a character) far less interesting.

Usually I think of this as being a relatively new phenomena but, as I watched 2000’s Godzilla vs. Megaguirus, I realized that reboots that do away with years of continuity are nothing new.  Godzilla vs. Megagurius opens with a narrator literally telling us to forget about all the films that came out after the original Gojira.  And we’re also told to forget about the ending of Gojira because that never happened either.  The Oxygen Destroyer was not used and Tokyo had to be abandoned.  Godzilla survived the end of Gojira and he continues to use Japan as his own personal power source, attacking not only a nuclear reactor but also a plasma reactor.  So, sorry, Mothra.  Sorry, Rodan.  Sorry, all of you fans of Ghidorah.  Sorry everyone who enjoyed the classic Godzilla films.  We’re now in a universe where none of that happened.

That’s not to say that Godzilla vs. Megagurius is a bad film, of course.  The majority of the people who watch these films (and films in general) could hardly care less about continuity.  They want to see a fight between giant monsters and they want to hear Godzilla’s roar and this film provides both of them.  After Japan attempts to destroy Godzilla with a satellite that shoots — I kid you not — miniature black holes, it finds itself being attacked by prehistoric dragonflys.  While Godzilla searches for a new power source, the dragonflys attempt to siphon off Godzilla’s energy for their own uses.  As so often happened with these movies, humanity’s attempt to destroy Godzilla actually leads to far more destruction than if they had just left Godzilla alone.  It turns out that creating miniature black holes and ripping open the time/space continuum is not the solution to all the world’s problems.  It’s the human beings who are ultimately the bigger threat than the giant monsters.

It’s an entertaining film.  The Megagurius is a good monster and a worthy opponent to Godzilla.  Godzilla does what he does best.  The film wiped out a decades worth of continuity but at least it kept the Godzilla roar.  In the end, you can’t silence a good giant monster.

Previous Godzilla Reviews:

  1. Godzilla, King of the Monsters (1958)
  2. Godzilla Raids Again (1958)
  3. King Kong vs Godzilla (1962)
  4. Mothra vs. Godzilla (1964)
  5. Ghidorah: The Three-Headed Monster (1964)
  6. Invasion of the Astro-Monster (1965)
  7. Godzilla vs. The Sea Monster (1966)
  8. Son of Godzilla (1967)
  9. Destroy All Monsters (1968)
  10. All Monsters Attack (1969)
  11. Godzilla vs Hedorah (1971)
  12. Godzilla vs Gigan (1972)
  13. Godzilla vs Megalon (1973)
  14. Godzilla vs Mechagodzilla (1974)
  15. The Terror of Mechagodzilla (1975)
  16. Cozilla (1977)
  17. Godzilla 1985 (1985)
  18. Godzilla vs. Biollante (1989)
  19. Godzilla vs King Ghidorah (1992)
  20. Godzilla vs. Mothra (1992)
  21. Godzilla vs Mechagodzilla 2 (1994)
  22. Godzilla vs SpaceGodzilla (1994)
  23. Godzilla vs. Destoroyah (1995)
  24. Godzilla (1998)
  25. Godzilla 2000 (1999)
  26. Godzilla, Mothra, and King Ghidorah: Giant Monsters All-Out Attack (2001)
  27. Godzilla (2014)
  28. Godzilla: Planet of the Monsters (2017)
  29. Godzilla, King of the Monsters (2019)
  30. Godzilla vs Kong (2021)
  31. Godzilla Minus One (2023)

October “True” Crime: Bundy Reborn (a.k.a. The Inflicted) (dir by Matthan Harris)


Right now, on Tubi, you can find a film that the service says is titled Bundy Reborn.  It’s a horror film, one that centers on a medical student named David O’Hara (played by the film’s director, Matthan Harris) who turns into a serial killer.  Struggling with the trauma of having witnessed his father (Bill Moseley) murder his younger sister, David kidnaps Melissa Daniels (Lindsay Hightower) and then disappears into the night when Melissa is rescued by Inspector Lorenzo (the one and only Giovanni Lombardo Radice).  Nine months later, David comes out of hiding after Melissa gives birth to their child.  David once again kidnaps Melissa and kills several other people as well.

It’s pretty much a standard serial killer film.  Despite the title, it has little to do with Ted Bundy.  In fact, Bundy isn’t even mentioned in the film.  David, like Bundy, is a handsome serial killer who went to college.  But, whereas Bundy killed because he enjoyed it, David is trying to recreate a family that was destroyed by his equally sociopathic father.  There’s a germ of an interesting idea to be found in this film.  For all of his crimes and his evil actions, David really is just carrying on the family tradition.  Can evil be passed down genetically?  Or would David be perfectly normal if he just hasn’t witnessed his father killing his sister?  Those are legitimate questions that this film raises and then promptly seems to forget about.  The title, however, suggests that David is literally Ted Bundy in a new body and that’s simply not the case here.

Indeed, the film was originally released under a totally different title, The Inflicted.  That title worked well with this film’s portrayal of a son who inherited his murderous compulsions from his father.  David has been inflicted with the same evil that his father carries in his heart.  The Inflicted is an honest title but, at the same time, it’s not a title that’s going to grab the audience.  It’s a title that feels a bit too generic.  Bundy Reborn, on the other hand, is an acknowledgement of the fact that Ted Bundy is a particularly macabre part of the American pop cultural landscape.  As evil and worthy of hate as Ted Bundy may have been, viewers just can’t get enough of him.  Ted Bundy never had much of a chance to pursue his political ambitions but today, more people probably know who Ted Bundy was then know that Connecticut Senator Richard Blumenthal lied about serving in Vietnam.

As for the film, the plot is full of contrivances and moments that just don’t make much sense.  For horror fans, it is a chance to see several icons in one film, though most of them have extremely small roles.  That said, it’s nice to see a usually villainous actor like Sid Haig cast as a kindly psychiatrist.  Bill Moseley is properly menacing as David’s father.  Doug Bradley seems to be enjoying himself as an FBI agent.  As for Giovanni Lombardo Radice, how can you not smile when he’s onscreen?  Radice’s Italian accent may seem out of place in a film that is shot and was made in North Texas.  But Radice had an undeniable screen presence and he looked good wearing a trenchcoat and holding a gun.  He simply was Lorenzo.

On a persona note, this film was shot in my part of the world.  Several scenes were shot in my hometown.  Several other scenes were filmed in the town where I went to college.  When Inspector Lorenzo gets a call about David’s activities, I immediately yelled, “Oh my God, he’s at the Shops at Legacy!”  Later, my heart ached when I saw that the hospital that Melissa was taken to was the same hospital that my father was taken to immediately after his car accident back in May.  I recognized almost every location in the film as some place that I had been personally and that was definitely kind of exciting.

Finally, let’s all just be happy that Bundy has not been reborn but instead was apparently cremated and dumped out over some anonymous swimming pool somewhere.

 

4 Shots From 4 Horror Films: Special Sam Raimi Edition


4 Shots From 4 Films is just what it says it is, 4 shots from 4 of our favorite films. As opposed to the reviews and recaps that we usually post, 4 Shots From 4 Films is all about letting the visuals do the talking.

Today’s director: Sam Raimi!

4 Shots From 4 Sam Raimi Films

The Evil Dead (1981, dir by Sam Raimi, DP: Tim Philo)

Evil Dead II (1987, dir by Sam Raimi, DP: Peter Deming)

Army of Darkness (1992, dir by Sam Raimi, DP: Bill Pope)

Drag Me To Hell (2009, dir by Sam Raimi, DP: Peter Deming)

Horror Film Review: All You Need Is Death (dir by Paul Duane)


Folk music is the music of evil people.

That’s something that I’ve been saying for years.  Of course, as is usually the case with such pronouncements, I was only being half-serious when I originally said it.  The first time I said it, it was to an older relative who had just forced me to sit through a 20 minute performance of I’ll Fly Away.  The second time I said it, it was to a friend who was really into Woody Guthrie, Pete Seeger, and all those commies  After that, I found many excuses to say it because I was going to college that was renowned for its music program.  It was one of those colleges where you couldn’t turn a corner without potentially running into someone who was taking a class in folk music.  They were always a bit annoying.  For folkies, it wasn’t enough to tell you that their music was better than your music.  They also had to tell you why listening to the Weavers on scratchy vinyl made them better human beings than you.

That said, I was never totally serious about folk music being the music of evil people.  That seemed like a far more appropriate thing to say about prog rock.  But, having watched All You Need Is Death, I’m now not so sure.  Folk music may very well be evil.

All You Need Is Death tells the story of Anna (Simone Collins) and Aleks (Charlie Maher), a couple who live in Dublin.  Anna is a gifted singer and, when we first see the two of them, Anna and Aleks appear to be deeply in love.  They work for an academic named Agnes (Catherine Siggins), whose goal is to find the oldest known versions of various folk songs.  Their work brings them to an apparently demented old woman named Rita (Olwen Fouere), who is rumored to know a song that is in a language the predates the Irish language.  Rita reveals that she does indeed know the song, which was apparently inspired by a romantic betrayal and a brutal death.  She explains that the song has been passed down from one woman to another over the centuries.  It can never be recorded and men are not allowed to hear the song.  After Aleks excuses himself, Rita sings the song to Anna.  As they drive back home, Anna tries to sing the song from memory but struggles, which isn’t surprising considering that the song isn’t even in a living language.  However, they’re stopped by Agnes who reveals that she secretly recorded Rita singing.  Meanwhile, Rita is herself gruesomely murdered by a mysterious force.

Things get progressively stranger from there, as Anna finds herself being targeted by Rita’s unhinged son (Nigel O’Neill) and Anna and Alek’s previously blessed relationship suddenly seems to be cursed.  There’s even a touch of Cronenbergian body horror as the film plays out.  The film’s plot is not always easy to follow and that’s not a bad thing.  This is one of those horror films that works because the audience never feels quite secure in their understanding of what they’re seeing.  The story plays out at its own pace, putting an emphasis on atmosphere over easy shocks and jump scares.  It’s about as close to a filmed dream as the viewer is likely to find.  It’s a horror film that sticks with you after the end credits role.  You’ll never listen to another folk song.

Horror Film Review: The Tomb of Ligeia (dir by Roger Corman)


Did Roger Corman have an issue with cats?

That’s the question I asked myself as I watched 1964’s The Tomb of Ligeia.  Loosely based on a short story by Edgar Allan Poe, The Tomb of Ligeia tells the story of Verden Fell (Vincent Price).  Fell’s wife, Ligeia, has recently died but Fell worries that her spirit is still haunting and watching him.  One gets the feeling that Fell hated his late wife but, at the same time, was obsessed with her.  Fell has an eye condition which causes him to wear dark glasses on the rare occassions that he leaves his manor.  He’s definitely a creepy guy but that doesn’t stop Rowena (Elizabeth Shepherd) from falling in love with him and leaving her fiancé, Christopher Gough (John Westbrook), to marry him.  Unfortunately, Rowena is soon feeling the spirt of Ligeia as well, in the form of a black cat who keeps attacking Rowena.

Now, in all honesty, I doubt that Roger Corman specifically had an issue with cats.  It’s possible the Edgar Allan Poe had an issue with cats, as he lived at a time when cats were rarely kept as pets and were instead just used to catch and kill mice and rats.  (And, in fairness to the 19th century, that was a very important job in those days of bad hygiene and outhouses.)  There’s no cats to be found in Poe’s short story about Ligeia but there was one very prominently featured in The Black Cat.  As Ligeia was not exactly one of Poe’s most detailed stories, it’s probable that Corman and screenwriter Robert Towne just included the evil black cat because that story was one of Poe’s best-known.

That said, for me, it was difficult to watch an entire movie about people hating and attempting to destroy a cat.  It’s certainly not the cat’s fault that it’s been possessed by the spirit of Ligeia.  As I watched the film, it occurred to me that cats may not have been as popular in the 1960s as they are today.  I mean, there was no internet when this film was made and, as a result, people weren’t constantly being bombarded by cute cat pictures.  Instead, people probably just knew cats for their habit of hissing at people and scratching their owners.  Today, we find that behavior to be cute.  Perhaps back in 1964, people felt differently.

If I seem to be rambling on about the cat, that’s because there’s not really a lot to be said about The Tomb of Ligeia.  It was the last of Corman’s Poe films and neither Corman nor Price seem to be particularly invested in the material.  Price is actually rather miscast as Verden Fell.  Fell is meant to be a mysterious aristocrat, in the spirit of Maxim de Winter from Rebecca.  But Vincent Price is …. well, he’s Vincent Price.  Vincent Price was a wonderful actor and personality but he wasn’t particularly enigmatic.  From the first minute we see Price, we know that he’s being haunted by his dead wife because he’s Vincent Price and the same thing happened to him in several other films.

The Tomb of Ligeia is full of the ornate sets and beautiful costumes that were featured in all of Corman’s Poe films.  And even a miscast Vincent Price is still fun to watch.  But, when compared to the other films in the Poe Cycle, this one falls flat.