*** Wait! Before starting this, leonth3duke has a wonderful review of It Follows. Read that and then double back here, if you want. . 🙂 ***
I had a jump scare happen to me two hours after seeing David Robert Mitchell’s “It Follows”. As I was relaying the story to my cousin, I heard a loud crash behind me. This caused me to whirl around and jump backwards. Of course, it was just a pair of cats chasing each other around the house, but I guess the movie kind of escalated things for me, mentally. My cousin laughed and said “Okay, this sounds like it’s worth seeing.” It feels good to carry a film around you like that.
It Follows is a subtle horror movie that reminds me of so many other ones – Halloween, Night of the Creeps, Ginger Snaps, The Thing, Under the Skin, The Cabin the Woods, The Babadook, Attack the Block, The Hidden and even Count Yorga: Vampire. It also brought to mind the Slenderman video game, where the player is constantly pursued by a figure that gets closer to them as they look over their shoulder. Perhaps this is where the source of the scares come from, but I’d easily come back to It Follows just for the atmosphere and the music. This movie feels like an 70’s or 80’s film – the kind of movie you’d find tucked away on a low shelf in the back of a mom and pop video store.
It Follows deals with a girl named Jay (Maika Monroe), who finds herself in some serious danger. After sleeping with a guy, Jay is told she’s the recipient of some kind of curse (I can’t think of a better way to describe it, really). The creature can take any form to get close enough to kill her, but is limited in that it can only walk. The only way she can keep it from coming after her is to “pass it on” sexually to someone else. The concept sounds really simple, but it’s actually complex as story plays out. The bulk of the film is made up of Jay and her friends / family wondering what’s after her and where it’s at. The movie makes great use of the camera. Very slow zooms and pans, coupled with long stationary shots force the audience to constantly scan the horizon for threats. There’s even a slow 360 scene that helps paint a picture yet suggest that everyone involved is still kept on their toes regarding the Follower. I had.a number of moments where I either looked away or whispered “Oh crap, behind you!”. The film’s score, created by Rich Vreeland (a.k.a. Disasterpeace) fits so well with the movie, I wondered if he and Mitchell didn’t just pull an E.T. and write the music before the film. It’s a classic, creepy series of selections that feels similar to the Drive soundtrack, but is as strange as Mica Levi’s work on Under the Skin. The score, as of this writing, is available on iTunes. There’s one scene in particular that only uses two high pitched notes back and forth really well. The acting is pretty simple. Monroe is the stand out, playing the lead, but the supporting cast was neither here or there. I can’t say that I’d remember them, but I also can’t say they were bad at all. Is It Follows the scariest film of the year? I couldn’t really tell you. Half of the time, when announcements like that are made, everyone runs to the theatre and then they proclaim the movie did nothing for them. People are impressed by different things. If you are a fan of blood and gore, It Follows might not be for you. There’s very little. Are you looking to be unnerved? Perhaps the film will work better for audiences searching for that. Paranoia is the key to everything here, and It Follows serves it up in heaps on oversized platters. The idea of a slow moving entity that walks while you run has terrified me since Pepe Le Pew and Halloween. For me, it was effective. If audience reaction is any indication, the movie had moments, but not many. When the film ended, there were quiet murmurs yet no real applause (unlike The Raid 2, which had people howling & clapping). The most I can tell you is that I enjoyed it, and will probably revisit it on Friday to see how it holds up with a larger audience. I’ll definitely do the VOD when it appears.
You know those last thirty seconds or so of a rock concert, when the guitarists start grinding tremolo on the final note while the drummer pummels out a solo? Then the instruments all coalesce and everyone hits two triplets together, declaring “the end” triumphant into your ears? Yeah, then you have a basic idea of what Liturgy sounded like four years ago. Aesthethica reveled defiant on the brink of collapse, a Dionysian exploration of adrenaline that twitched and sputtered in vibrant light. We may still be a long ways from “black metal” conjuring to mind anything but corpse paint and Satan to the average music fan, but the gales of a paradigm shift have tossed this genre into such a frenzy that even the novelties of 2011 can seem ancient today.
(Liturgy’s record label, Thrill Jockey, has rather bizarrely opted to remove all but two tracks from Youtube, as if silence sells an album. You can still listen to The Ark Work on NPR at this link, thankfully, and I recommend checking out the first three tracks/13 minutes–Fanfare, Follow, and Kel Valhaal–followed by Reign Array to get a good feel of the album.)
An assessment of this album could go off on a hundred tangents, and I don’t think that the band would be averse to discussing any one of them. The most standard response seems to be instant revulsion. A lot of big name critics have given it abysmal ratings of 2 or 3 out of 10–slightly lower than Morbid Angel’s Illud Divinum Insanus–following a brief write-off of the album as an attempt to troll us. A few others will point out how the band’s music has managed to ruffle a lot of feathers, and then leave it to the listener to hash out. Both are valid cop-outs that don’t really provide the slightest bit of context for the oddity before your ears.
There is nothing quite so blunt in The Ark Work, but the album definitely produces sounds that your ear will not initially be prepared to assimilate. “Fanfare” leads up to “Follow” in a development similar to the introduction to “High Gold” on Aesthethica, but here the sound of a guitar pick scratching above the fretboard has been replaced by an unorthodox merger of MIDI and real trumpets. Visions of Godspeed You! Black Emperor lifting skinny fists like antennas to heaven break to bells, and an electronic power surge suddenly propels you into a brainfuck of noise that seems to streak through your head in a ball of flame, the tremolo guitar and blast beat drums pulsating at light speed as the bells and glitch tones dissolve into nonsense all around you. The drum machine hangs in space above the dashing guitar, accelerating to drive itself back into Greg Fox’s real drums to a roar like a Roman coliseum. The cavalcade of sound is, for better or worse, something you have never heard the likes of before. And as the spectators cull blood into “Kel Valhaal”, the album moves from its raucous birth to the trance of combat. Arguably my favorite song on the album, “Kel Valhaal” is cryptic in its brutality. The perpetually repeating drum and trumpet beat crush you on every note without the slightest sign of distortion, while entrancing you in a wash of bells and glitches and folk instrumentation that I can’t put a finger on–surely that I am not supposed to be able to put a finger on. When Hunter’s vocals come in, trading off “Follow”‘s croons for rap, the album reaches a height of command you won’t hear again until “Reign Array” towards the end. I don’t understand half of what he’s saying, but my brain tricks me into thinking it is surely paramount–some threshold of enlightenment I must reach for with all of my might.
Or you might just hear noise. I did, the first time I listened to it. Jaded is the listener who can take all of The Ark Work in on first encounter. But I wanted to hear it again, and mull it over. What I had that I think a lot of reviewers lacked was proper context. Hunter Hunt-Hendrix earned a world of derision following Aesthethica when he proceeded to discuss his ideas behind the album. The guy appeared to most of the world as a sort of fascinating clown–a feminine child so high on his own farts that he would presume to declare his music its own unique style worthy of genrefication: “transcendental black metal”. He published a brief philosophical treatise on how transcendental black metal offered a higher state of music than its predecessors, and well, you get the idea. Did I mention he looks kind of like a girl? The alternative label of “trap metal” has been thrown around, and his previous band’s name was Birthday Boyz. Liturgy is a metal band, mind you. Their default audience has never been particularly noted for tolerance.
So most people reviewing The Ark Work probably either never heard Liturgy previously or thought of Hunter as an accident waiting to happen. Or maybe a troll. His pre-existing image was pretty hard to swallow. The Ark Work, moreover, claims to enhance “transcendental black metal” with “cross-fertilized hardstyle beats, glitched re-sampling of IDM, and occult-orientated rap”. …yeah… You can imagine why people have struggled on many levels to take The Ark Work seriously. People who aren’t familiar with the band turn to reviews for an explanation of what their ears fail at first to compute, and they’re told “troll” at best, given some metal meathead’s rant about insults to manliness just as likely.
But Aesthethica was not inaccessible in the sense of The Ark Work, and no amount of self-mockery negated the fact that tracks like “Harmonia”, “Sun of Light”, and “High Gold” were delightful on first listen. If you actually bother to read what Hunter wrote about “transcendental” black metal, moreover, you can see a clear connection to the music. It roughly paralleled a lot of thoughts that had been floating around in my own head since at least Alcest’s Le Secret in 2005, and the fact that Hunter Hunt-Hendrix was willing to discuss metal’s new frontier while actually pioneering its exploration told me, if anything, that he had a lot more potential than even Aesthethica let on. That album was a sort of burst of passion. I would wager that the band did not devote particularly excruciating time to its finer details, and the result was still one of my favorite albums of 2011. Through separate mediums, Hunter showed the raw capacity for great song writing and the level of reflection necessary for fine-tuning an album to perfection. Merge the two, and you have, well, The Ark Work.
Within the first few seconds of “Follow”, I was pretty convinced that The Ark Work had the potential to be breathtaking. My context for this album placed Liturgy near the top of a wealth of new bands committed to employing black metal towards post-rock ends. I expected that Hunter had crafted every last second of it with painstaking care to achieve his visions. When you listen to something in that light, it’s a totally different experience. Take the vocals. Hunter delved very little into clean vocals on Aesthethica, and where he did–“Glass Earth” for instance–the results were weak. His voice, like his appearance, came off a bit childish, and I think he just ignored that fact rather than putting it to work for him. In the spirit of that album, I can picture a rebellious attitude of affirmation: “This is what I sound like.” On The Ark Work, there’s a more intelligent design. Hunter commits to not screaming once from start to finish, and the voice he’s left to work with is in not at all appealing in any conventional sort of way. But if a central idea behind the album is to barely yet perpetually hold cohesive on the cusp of nonsense, his voice naturally caters to it. He seems to intentionally integrate that notion, controlling in each instance the extent to which we hear his voice exposed. He employs a lot of rap, and the rhythmic flow of his lyrics provide the glue around which his marshmallow mouth forms another tipping point into that abyss of absurdity. On “Kel Valhaal” he manages to project the rhythm with such force that he sounds downright commanding. On “Reign Array” he starts out reminiscent of Thom Yorke (many elements of that song inexplicably remind me of Radiohead), while as the vocal style changes in the triumphal conclusion he remains careful to continue to layer his voice just enough to avoid spoiling the exhilaration.
On “Vitriol”, easily the most divisive track on the album, Hunter exposes everything. The song merges the Aesthethica style of “Glass Earth” with a chanting rap and a fascinating combination of minimalistic percussion and sub-bass. You can understand every word he says, and a lot of the lines are so awkwardly groomed to feed the trolls that you can’t help but think he’s doing it intentionally. “Soon the ADHD kids will quiet down respectfully,”“All the girls will get into art school,” a reference to “primordial gender”… In a way, the song is a caricature of everything critics have accused Hunter of being, followed by the refrain “I turn your ashes to gold, you repay me with vitriol,” as if to say “look how much I’ve entertained you, and you have the nerve to criticize me. Psssh.” I would really like to think the idea crossed Hunter’s mind with a bit of a devilish grin while he wrote it. Yet that, if intended at all, is only a bit of an Easter egg in a song that has nothing to do with it. “Vitriol” is actually pretty cryptic and compelling. I can’t piece it together into a cohesive whole, yet each individual line seems to find a fitting notch in the puzzle. A part of me wants to believe that that is the extent of it, and the accomplishment is to leave you with this unstable understanding that feels like a cohesive message yet contradicts itself. For me at least, “Vitriol” accomplishes lyrically what the rest of the album does musically.
The attention to detail extends beyond vocals and lyrics, of course. The instrumentation is vast, delving into dozens of different sources effectively. Hunter’s electronic repertoire both destabilizes and enhances the real instruments that it frequently parallels. Greg Fox, one of the greatest drummers of this era, returns to the band to offer his brilliance, and the drum machine ties together with him nicely. I wish Thrill Jockey had not made it so difficult to share tracks, but suffice to say I highly recommend this album. It is easily the most intelligent and compelling collection of songs I have heard since Peste Noire’s 2013 self-titled, and most of the reviewers shitting all over it fully intended to before they ever heard it. Its apparent madness only strengthened their resolve. But if ever you begin to have doubts, switch to “Reign Array” and ask yourself whether a song like this can arise by accident. On The Ark Work, Hunter Hunt-Hendrix proves himself to be the musical genius that Aesthethica hinted at. And like Jimmy Chamberlin to Billy Corgan, Greg Fox completes him. So long as those two stick together, Liturgy will remain among the most elite bands in metal for a long time to come.
If there was ever song which perfectly fused the two into the music genre commonly as blues rock it would The Allman Brothers Band’s iconic song from their 1969 self-titled album, “Whipping Post”.
I consider “Whipping Post” one of the greatest rock songs ever created. It’s blues origins could be heard throughout the song from the near-perfect slide-guitar playing by one of rock’s greatest guitarists in Duane Allman. The lyrics to the song is classic existential blues of an evil woman the cause of one’s ruination and of the metaphorical whipping post the song’s subject is put through.
While brother Greg’s vocalizing has been a highlight for some the true highlight of the song comes from the band’s two lead guitarists. The song manages to showcase both player’s skills in two separate guitar solos that come after the songs two verses and choruses. We get Duane Allman performing magic with the first guitar solo in slide-guitar fashion with Dickey Betts joining in on the tail end on rhythm guitar. The second guitar solo has the two performers switching roles with Duane augmenting Bett’s electric guitar work with some slide work on acoustic guitar.
The song’s lyrics were written by Duane’s brother Greg who is also the band’s lead singer. His vocals in this song comes out as if coming from the very depths of perdition. There’s genuine, fierce emotion in the singing by Greg Allman and everyone else who has covered the song never seem to replicate the very same emotion which made “Whipping Post” so great the moment it was first heard in 1969 and continues to be great as a new generation in the 21st century gets introduced to the band.
The studio version of the song is powerful in it’s own right…
…but it’s the 22-minute long live recording At Fillmore East that the song has attained mythical status.
Whipping Post
I’ve been run down I’ve been lied to I don’t know why, I let that mean woman make me a fool She took all my money Wrecks my new car Now she’s with one of my good time buddies They’re drinkin’ in some cross town bar
Sometimes I feel Sometimes I feel Like I’ve been tied To the whipping post Tied to the whipping post Tied to the whipping post Good lord I feel like I’m dyin’
(guitar solo)
My friends tell me That I’ve been such a fool And I have to stand down and take it babe, All for lovin’ you I drown myself in sorrow As I look at what you’ve done Nothin’ seems to change Bad times stay the same And I can’t run
Sometimes I feel Sometimes I feel Like I’ve been tied To the whipping post Tied to the whipping post Tied to the whipping post Good lord I feel like I’m dyin’
(guitar solo)
Sometimes I feel Sometimes I feel Like I’ve been tied To the whipping post Tied to the whipping post Tied to the whipping post Good lord I feel like I’m dyin’
“It’s their world, we’re just living in it.” — Enid
[spoilers within]
Tonight’s episode of The Walking Dead marks the penultimate one for the show’s fifth season. It has been a season that’s seen the series remain on a consistent high. It still had some episodes which fell a bit flat, but overall season 5 has been the show’s best and delivered on showrunner Scott M. Gimple’s promise to keep the story moving forward.
The episode begins with a cold opening that shows the aftermath of the deadly supply run to the solar factory warehouse in the previous episode. We have to stories being told. There’s Glenn still haunted by having to witness Noah’s death by zombies very up close and personal. We see him tell Rick about how he and the others made a mistake and how it led to the deaths of Aidan and Noah. He feels responsible and hopes that it doesn’t ruin their chance in making the Alexandria experiment work. He still believes in the concept that is the ASZ (Alexandria Safe-Zone) and even Noah’s death doesn’t budge him from that belief. Rick, on the other hand, only sees danger and trouble when it comes to the ineptitude of the Alexandrians. His fears and doubts about whether the Alexandrians can pull their weight when it comes to keeping everyone safe has been confirmed.
Deanna, on the other hand, hears a different tale from Nicholas. It’s a tale of how it was he who tried to save Aidan and not leave him behind. It was Glenn who distracted and caused the death of Aidan and whose bloodthirsty attitude got Noah killed. Nicholas spoke about how he would never leave Aidan, his friend, behind and even included newcomer Tara as someone he tried to save. There’s some hints that Deanna has a sense that Nicholas wasn’t telling her the truth of what happened, but we don’t get to hear her voice out these doubts.
“Try” is a very appropriate title for tonight’s episode. We see several characters attempt to try and find a way to make the combination of Rick’s people and the Alexandrians co-exists together peacefully. Glenn, despite what some of these Alexandrians have done, still believes that they need to make Alexandria work. It’s their last chance to go beyond just existing and surviving but actually living life. He’s become the show’s moral compass (hopefully not a death sentence) now that Hershel and Tyreese are gone. Yet, unlike the previous moral compasses in the show, Glenn does understand that sometimes pragmatism must rule the day above all else. He just believes that Alexandria needs a chance to survive the growing pains of their group’s arrival.
Another of Rick’s people trying to make it work is Michonne. She’s had her time in exile in the wilds of this new and dangerous world. Her survival to this point has been in part due to those solitary months on her own with only herself to keep safe. Yet, she has also found out that being alone was a detriment to her psyche’s well-being and finding Rick and his people was what ultimately saved her not just from the zombies but from her own self-destructive ways.
She sees what’s happening with Sasha. A friend and fellow survivor deep in the midst of PTSD who has lost so much in such a short period of time that she hasn’t had the chance to take in and accept those losses let alone mourn them. Michonne understands what Sasha is going through but also realizes that they need her for what’s to come. Michonne wants to make Alexandria work and instability brought on by Sasha’s death wish and Rick’s inability to trust the Alexandrians will only make that prospect harder to achieve.
It is no surprise that the episode ends with Michonne taking control of a situation brought on by Rick’s blunt force behavior in trying to convince the Alexandrians that the way they were doing things were not going to work going forward. Michonne’s belief in the Alexandrians’ survival skills might mirror Rick’s own thoughts on the matter, but where Rick wants a confrontation to be the catalyst of change she seems more than willing to lead by example.
On the other side of things are Rick and Deanna looking to be at loggerheads about what’s truly best of Alexandria. It’s easy to take Rick’s side that the way Deanna and the rest of the Alexandrians have been doing things were just not going to cut it in this new world. It’s a world that Rick and his people have experienced first-hand and lost people along the way, but in the end have survived all it has thrown at them. Deanna, on the other hand, still believes in the rule of law and order, civilization over anarchy. She doesn’t believe in killing those who could be a danger to the ASZ (like Peter who also happens to be the lone physician and surgeon), but instead would rather exile them out into the wilds.
It’s a way of doing things that Rick sees as another way of putting the ASZ in danger. Deanna doesn’t think so and this clashing of philosophies on how things should be done looks to be one that’s heading into a confrontation that puts everyone in danger. Neither side seem willing to try and compromise and find a way to make the two groups con-exist. No attempt to allow the Alexandrians to learn from what Rick and his people could teach them to be better survivors. No attempt from Rick and those who believe him to adjust to this new life. A life that they see as a danger in itself. They see Alexandria’s walls as something that could make them soft and distract them from surviving.
So, we have the extended season finale next week and the question of whether Rick is too far gone to stay in Alexandria will be one of the questions that need answering. Will the group have to suffer through another loss of one of their own for the Alexandrians to finally realize that their survival before Rick and his people arrived have been through blind luck not through the civilizing rule of Deanna? Will Rick and the others just leave Alexandria or will the group finally splinter-off from those wanting to try and make it work and those unable to?
Then there are those zombies with the “W” cut into their foreheads looking to crash the party.
Notes
Tonight’s episode of The Walking Dead, “Try”, was directed by Michael E. Satrazemis and written by series veteran Angela Kang.
“Keep walking” has become Rick’s version of Carol’s “look at the flowers”. Pete should’ve been sprinting away the moment Rick uttered those wordsa at him with those Rick dead-eyes.
Nine Inch Nails’ “Somewhat Damaged” plays during the episodes cold opening and was a nice reminder that both groupsm Rick’s and the Alexandrians, have been damaged in some fashion since the start of the zombie apocalypse.
Still wondering how Nicholas knew about the Glock Rick hid in the blender out in the woods (Nicholas was in the ASZ when Rick and the group arrived). Is there someone outside the walls that told Nicholas of the hidden pistol?
Talking Dead guests tonight are Yvette Nicole Brown (Community), series executive producer Gale Anne Hurd and Chandler Riggs (Carl Grimes of The Walking Dead)
Last night, I watched the latest Lifetime original movie, Stalked By My Neighbor.
Why Was I Watching It?
Well, of course, the obvious reason was because it was on Lifetime and I love Lifetime movies. Â But, even if I wasn’t a Lifetime movie addict, I probably would have watched Stalked By My Neighbor. Â Stalked By My Neighbor is a great title. Â Whenever you see a Lifetime movie with the word “Stalk” in the title, you know that it’s going to be a good one.
What Was It About?
It’s a Lifetime homage to Rear Window! Â Jodi (Kelcie Stranahan) and her mother (Amy Pietz) move to the suburbs. Â A talented photographer, Jodi is still struggling to deal with the after-effects of a horrifying home invasion. Â Hiding out in her bedroom, Jodi watches her new neighborhood through the lens of her camera and eventually comes to believe that she may have witnessed the murder of a neighbor (Kelly Packard). Â While the police suspect that the murderer was the cute boy who lives next door (Grant Harvey), Jodi suspects that it may have actually been the dead woman’s niece (Katrina Norman). Â Soon, Jodi, camera in hand, is stalking her neighbors and trying to solve the mystery.
What Worked?
Stalked By My Neighbor was directed by Doug Campbell, who earlier this year gave us Sugar Daddies. Â As I previously stated in my review of Sugar Daddies, Campbell is one of the better filmmakers to regularly make films for Lifetime. Â (He also directed several of my favorite ….At 17 movies.) Â Much as he did with Sugar Daddies, Campbell strikes just the right balance between melodrama and realism. Â As both director and screenwriter, he pushes the story as far as it can go without allowing things to go overboard. Â The end result is a very entertaining film that is the epitome of why people like me love Lifetime movies.
Kelcie Stranahan was well-cast as Jodi and she had a lot of chemistry with Grant Harvey. Â As well, she and Amy Pietz were totally believable as mother-and-daughter. Â Wisely, while the film had a lot of fun with the more melodramatic elements of the mystery plot, Jodi’s PTSDÂ was played totally straight and Stranahan did a great job of capturing Jodi’s fragile mental state. Â By the end of the film, Jodi is a role model for survivors everywhere.
What Did Not Work?
It all worked. Â This was Lifetime moviemaking at its best!
“Oh my God! Â Just like me!” Moments
I totally related to the character of Jodi, which is a huge reason why I enjoyed the movie. Â Towards the end of the film, Jodi had a fight with her mom and ended up getting grounded. Â Afterward, Jodi made it a point to elaborately apologize and then, as soon as her mom left the room, Jodi was sneaking out the bedroom window. Â That one scene pretty much epitomized my senior year of high school.
And really, the relationship between Jodi and her mom was the main reason why I loved Stalked By Neighbor. Â Don’t get me wrong. Â The mystery was fun. Â Grant Harvey was cute and the scene where he dances with Jodi was really well done. Â But ultimately, the film worked for me because I related so much to Jodi and I saw so much of my mom in her mom.
Lessons Learned
If you think you’re neighbor might be a murderer, always make sure you have an extra memory card for your camera. Â (Seriously, watch the movie. Â It’ll make sense.)
“Whattya say we go hunt some freaking sharks?” (picture credit: Mondo Exploito)
Believe it or not, Samson vs. The Vampire Women was not the only bad film that I watched with the Late Night Movie Gang on Saturday night. Â We also watched a movie from 1995 that was called Cruel Jaws. Â You might be able to guess from the title that the film is a rip-off of Jaws but this is no ordinary rip-off! Â This is literally the worst shark movie that I’ve ever seen.
And yet, it was so bad that it was also oddly fascinating. Â Listen, any director can rip-off Jaws. Â It happens all the time and, for the most part, the majority of Jaws rip-offs are forgettable. Â It takes true talent to make something like Cruel Jaws, a film that is so terrible that it cannot be forgotten!
After watching Cruel Jaws, I was inspired to look it up on the imdb and I was not particularly shocked to discover that it was directed by the infamous Italian filmmaker Bruno Mattei. Â Given that Mattei was notorious for reusing footage from previous films, I figured that I would reuse a paragraph that I originally wrote for a review of his 1984 film, Rats: Night of Terror:
“While it’s generally agreed that Mattei was responsible for making some of the worst films in history, I’ve always had a sneaky admiration for him. It’s hard not to love someone who defies the odds while pursuing his dream. Mattei’s dream was to make movies and he never allowed a thing like budget or talent to stand in his way. While Mattei is best known for taking over the direction of Zombi 3 after Lucio Fulci walked off the set, he was a prolific director who dabbled in every genre.”
If nothing else, Cruel Jaws was definitely a case of Mattei defying the odds. Â Critics might point out that the film is basically a scene-for-scene remake of Jaws that even features some of the exact same dialogue. Â Mattei says, “So? Â I’ll call the movie Cruel Jaws and we’ll pretend it’s a sequel.” Â Critics might say that no one in the film can act. Â Mattei says, “So? Â I’ll just make my hero a guy with platinum blonde hair and a Fu Manchu mustache and you’ll be so busy staring at him, you won’t even notice that he can’t act!” Â Critics might point out that Mattei made a film about a killer shark without actually investing in a shark. Â Mattei says, “So? Â I’ll just use stock footage and lift a lot of scenes from other shark movies!” Â Critics might complain that all of the stock footage and lifted scenes are edited together in such a haphazard way that the film is next to impossible to follow. Â Mattei says, “Shut up and listen to the score, which I literally lifted from Star Wars and Indiana Jones.” Â Critics might suggest that all of this involves some sort of copyright violation. Â Mattei says — well, by this point, Bruno would probably have left the building to count his money and have a good laugh.
“Check out that shark stock footage!” (picture credit: Mondo Exploito)
What really makes Cruel Jaws interesting is that, while 90% of the film is lifted from other films, the 10% that isn’t is truly weird. Â For instance, the film’s hero is named Dag Snerson and he owns a water park that is apparently made up of exactly two dolphins and a sea lion. Â His daughter is probably the most cheerful wheelchair-bound child ever. Â There’s a subplot involving the mafia. Â Two girls start yelling “Dickbrain” at two boys that they like.
It’s all pretty bad and pretty weird but it’s pure Bruno Mattei and therefore, it’s all oddly forgivable.
Just a few hours ago, I gathered with my friends in the Late Night Movie Gang and we watched the classic Mexican “horror” film, Santo vs. las Mujeres Vampiro (or, as it was released over here in the states, Samson Vs. The Vampire Women.) Â You’ll notice that I put the word horror in quotes because there was really nothing traditionally scary about Samson Vs. The Vampire Women. Â
The film opens with a bunch of vampire women waking up after being asleep for hundreds of years. Â When we first see the vampire women, they all look like they have really bad skin and could really use some moisturizer. Â However, once they drink some blood and say some magic words, they all suddenly look really pretty and they get to wear these really nice white dresses as well.
The queen of the vampires, Thorina (Lorena Valesquez), has been tasked with finding a bride for the Evil One and her pick is Diana (Maria Duval), who is the daughter of Prof. Orlof (Augusto Benedico). Â We know that Orlof is intelligent because he wears glasses, has a beard, and his English-language dialogue has been dubbed by an actor who has a deep, intellectual voice. Â However, despite being brilliant, Orlof is totally ineffectual when it comes to protecting his daughter from being turned into a vampire.
(Diana, we’re told, is on the verge of turning 21. Â She looks like she’s closer to 40.)
And, of course, we get all of the things that you would expect from a low-budget, black-and-white vampire movie. Â Bats fly by on strings. Â Whenever Thorina needs to hypnotize someone, we get a closeup of her eyes. Â Whenever the sun shines, all of the vampires scream and run out of the room. Â It’s all pretty typical and, as a result, not particularly scary.
What is scary, however, is the man who Orlof summons to protect his daughter. Â Not only can Samson (played by real-life Mexican wrestler Santo) fight vampires and communicate with people via television but he’s a professional wrestler as well! Â In fact, Diana would probably have nothing to worry about if not for the fact that Samson has to balance protecting her with his lucrative wrestling career.
What I’m saying here is that there’s a lot of wrestling in Samson vs. The Vampire Women. Â Not only does Samson wrestle with vampires but he also wrestles with ordinary, every day wrestlers. Â Even when he’s not wrestling, Samson runs around in his wrestling outfit — mask, cape, manties, and bulge.
(Oddly enough, none of the vampire women ever think to maybe kick Samson in that bulge, which is probably what I would do if I was ever suddenly approached by someone dressed like Samson…)
Now, I know what you’re wondering. Â And the answer is no. Â We never get to see what Samson looks like under the mask. Â I assume that he looked like Jack Black but who knows for sure?
Anyway, Samson vs. The Vampire Women is probably one of those films that everyone should see at least once, if just because that way you won’t be left out of any inside jokes that may develop between your friends once they’ve actually experienced it for themselves. Â It’s not a particularly good film but it’s certainly an odd one and there’s definitely something to be said for that.
I think I’ve been saying that all day and it’s all because of a very catchy and classic hard rock song from my youth. It’s also the latest “Song of the Day” and marks another entry in the current series of great guitar solos.
“Rock You Like A Hurricane” by Scorpions was one of those rock songs during the 1980’s that really help propel a very good rock band into the next level of epicness (yes, that’s a word I decided is a real one). It was also a song that took advantage of the new visual media called music video to help market it to a much wider audience.
Many people tend to just fixate on the chorus of the song and tend to not remember the bulk of the songs lyrics. If they did they would realize it’s quite the raunchy bit of songwriting. The song is pretty much about someone looking to hook up and once partner has been chosen…well we know by the chorus how the encounter will develop and end up.
For a song about no-nonsense one-night stands it also has a classic guitar solo in the middle by lead guitarist Matthias Jabs that has been admired by listeners since the song’s inception. Jabs might not be as well known outside of the hard rock and heavy metal community, but his guitar playing talent was and is just as good as any of his contemporaries during the early 80’s.
Rock You Like A Hurricane
It’s early morning, the sun comes out Last night was shaking and pretty loud My cat is purring, it scratches my skin So what is wrong with another sin?
The bitch is hungry, she needs to tell So give her inches and feed her well More days to come, new places to go I’ve got to leave, it’s time for a show
Here I am Rock you like a hurricane Here I am Rock you like a hurricane
My body is burning, it starts to shout Desire is coming, it breaks out loud Lust is in cages till storm breaks loose Just have to make it with someone I choose
The night is calling, I have to go The wolf is hungry, he runs the show He’s licking his lips, he’s ready to win On the hunt tonight for love at first sting
Here I am Rock you like a hurricane (Are you ready, baby?) Here I am Rock you like a hurricane Here I am Rock you like a hurricane (Come on, come on, baby) Here I am Rock you like a hurricane
Rock you like a hurricane
(guitar solo)
It’s early morning, the sun comes out Last night was shaking and pretty loud My cat is purring, it scratched my skin So what is wrong with another sin?
The night is calling, I have to go The wolf is hungry, he runs the show He’s licking his lips, he’s ready to win On the hunt tonight for love at first sting
Here I am Rock you like a hurricane (Are you ready, baby?) Here I am Rock you like a hurricane Here I am Rock you like a hurricane (Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on) Here I am Rock you like a hurricane
I loved the first Insidiousand I enjoyed the second one. Â I’m still not totally convinced that we need a third one but we’re getting one anyways. Â Apparently, it’s a prequel so we’ll get a lot of Conjuring-style period detail along with all of the usual scares.