Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 3.9 “The Dancer/Nobody’s There”

Posted on August 8, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. Almost entire show is currently streaming is on Youtube!

The past two weeks of Fantasy Island saw Mr. Roarke getting married (and losing his wife) and Tattoo getting his heart broken. Will this week’s episode be just as dramatic? Read on to find out!

Episode 3.9 “The Dancer/Nobody’s There”

(Dir by Gene Nelson, originally aired on November 17th, 1979)

For the third week in a row, this episode of Fantasy Island features Mr. Roarke and Tattoo heading straight to the docks so that they can meet their guests without making any time for any Roarke/Tattoo banter. On the one hand, the scenes where Tattoo would tell Roarke about his latest scheme were always a bit awkward because of the obvious bad feelings between Ricardo Montalban and Herve Villechaize. On the other hand, they did reveal that Tattoo had a life outside of just following around Mr. Roarke. I will be a little bit sad if they’re gone forever.

As for this week’s fantasies, neither one adds up too much.

Big Jake Farley (Max Baer, Jr.) is a big, strapping cowboy who will tell anyone who will listen that he’s from “Big D.” (“It’s a mite south of Heaven.”) I’m from Big D too and I will admit that I’m a bit sensitive when it comes to the whole “All Texans are cowboys” stereotype so I pretty much spent this entire fantasy in cringe mode. Big Jake wants to meet Valeska de Marco (Carol Lynley), the ballerina whose hard work and perfectionism inspired him when he was just a penniless cowpoke. Now that Big Jake is a wealthy rancher and oilman, he wants to marry Valeska and take her back to the ranch. Unfortunately, Valeska is already engaged to Stuffy Q. Borington III (Howard Morton). When Valeska suffers a career ending injury, will Big Jake be able to convince her to come open an acting school in Big D and will Mr. Roarke help everyone’s fantasy come true?

You already know the answer. Everyone gets a happy ending on Fantasy Island, except for that time Mr. Roarke got married.

Eh. Considering that this fantasy combined several of my favorite things — ballet, Texas, tropical islands — it’s a bit of a shock just how boring it turned out to be. The main problem was that there was zero chemistry between Baer and Lynley. Both of them came across as if they would rather be anywhere but on Fantasy Island.

As for the other fantasy, it featured Toni Tennille as Betty Foster, a former fast food worker turned private investigator. Her fantasy was to solve a big case. With Roarke’s help, Betty was hired by Contessa Christina Kastronova (Stepfanie Kramer) to accompany the Contessa to the reading her cousin’s will. The Contessa felt her cousin had been murdered and she feared she might be next. Betty pretended to be the Contessa during both the reading of the will and the subsequent night spent in a scary, dark house with all of the Contessa’s relatives. Anyway, Dick Sargent turned out to be the murderer and Betty realized that she’d rather marry one of the Contessa’s relatives than continue on as a private eye.

As far as this fantasy went, I liked the scary house and I found the scene where Roarke and Tattoo debated which one of them should stay behind with Betty to be amusing. (Tattoo, of course, ended up having to stay.) But the mystery didn’t add up too much. To be honest, as soon as Dick Sargent showed up, I knew he was going to be the bad guy. I mean, I’ve seen Clonus.

Especially when compared to the previous two episodes, this episode was fairly forgettable. Everyone got their fantasy but no one made much of an impression.

Retro Television Reviews: Hang Time 6.3 “The Gospel According to Silk” and 6.4 “The Enforcer”

Posted on August 7, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing Hang Time, which ran on NBC from 1995 to 2000. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

This week, Silk’s aunt dies and Julie nearly kills another player. It’s a dangerous time in Indiana!

Episode 6.3 “The Gospel According To Silk”

(Dir by Miguel Higuera, originally aired on October 7th, 2000)

The team is confused as to why Silk never wants to go to kareoke night with them. They decide to follow Silk to find out what he does after each game. They discover that he goes to a church so, of course, they decide to follow him inside so they can find out what he does in there. Uhmmm …. it’s a church. What do they think he’s doing in there? Seriously, the people were the worst about not giving anyone any privacy.

Anyway, it turns out that Silk and his Aunt Charlotte (Jennifer Holliday) sing in a gospel choir. (Have I mentioned how much I dislike gospel music?) While sitting in the church, the team demands to know why Silk hadn’t been telling them that he sings in the choir. Uhmmm …. people, you’re in a church! You’re interrupting a rehearsal! You’re in a place of worship! LEAVE SILK ALONE! He doesn’t have to tell you about every single aspect of his life.

Anyway, now that Aunt Charlotte has been introduced to everyone, she does what every guest star on this show does and she goes to the school to watch the Tornadoes practice. Charlotte also tosses the ball and makes a few baskets. Charlotte explains that she can do anything with “faith and a little prayer.” Then Charlotte goes home, has a heart attack, and, despite all of Silk’s prayers, dies.

Uh-oh, Silk is losing his faith! Fear not, though, Charlotte’s ghost appears to him at church and tells him not to despair. Shows like Hang Time were always a bit cringey whenever they attempted to deal with religious faith but Danso Gordon did a good job portraying Silk’s pain and his eventual acceptance of Charlotte’s passing.

As for the B-plot, Coach K and Mary Beth competed to win a car by seeing who could stay in it the longest. In the end, they both lost because they were both outside of the car when time ran out. Or something. It was dumb and it definitely felt out-of-place in this episode.

Episode 6.4 “The Enforcer”

(Dir by Miguel Higuera, originally aired on October 14th, 2000)

“I was watching the tape of our first three games,” Coach K tells the team at practice, “and I wasn’t happy with what I saw….”

Uhmmm, Coach K, the first episode of the sixth season had the team on the verge of making the playoffs and bragging about their undefeated season. Why are you only now watching the tape of your first three games?

(The real answer is that NBC showed the final 26 episodes out-of-order. The fun answer is that Coach K is just extremely slow.)

Coach K is worried that Julie isn’t being aggressive enough. In their upcoming game against Montrose, the Tornadoes will be facing Dave Carter (Riley Smith), a player who is so good that he’s going to go straight from high school to the NBA despite the fact that he looks way too short to be a basketball player. Dave’s NBA dreams are shattered with Julie knocks him down to the floor and he tears some ligament in his knee.

Guilt-stricken, Julie loses her competitive edge. Fortunately, when she goes to visit the wheelchair-bound Dave in the hospital, he tells her that he doesn’t hate her and that she has to “take the shot.” So, Julie gets back to normal and Dave …. well, I guess he’s going to be stuck in Indiana for the rest of his life. As always, the important thing is that Julie’s doing better.

Meanwhile, a malfunctioning ATM gives Kristy thousands of dollars. Unfortunately, it also causes both she and Mary Beth to have bad luck until they give the money away. As bad as their luck may be, at least they weren’t put in a wheelchair by Julie. Seriously, poor Dave!

I’m being a bit snarky but this wasn’t a bad episode. Learning how to deal with guilt is an important lesson and Hang Time deserves some credit for addressing it. That said, it’s still hard not to notice that the NBA-bound Dave didn’t really appear to be that good of a player in the first place. I mean, considering that Dave, who we were told was the best player in the history of Indiana high school basketball, didn’t appear to be better than any of the Deering players, shouldn’t the entire cast by NBA-bound?

Next week: Silk is offered a scholarship and a special guest stars shows up for movie night!

Lisa Marie’s Week in Television: 7/30/23 — 8/5/23

Posted on August 5, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Big Brother finally started this week so say goodbye to my free time!

Big Brother 25 (CBS and Paramount Plus, All The Time)

I wrote about the 25th season of Big Brother here!

Claim to Fame (ABC, Monday Night)

Nooooooo! Not Olivia! Sadly, Olivia was eliminated this week when she failed to guess to whom Karsyn was related. Olivia was my favorite so …. well, I’ll still watch the show but now I’m just watching because I want to see people eliminated. This show is so addictive.

Geraldo (YouTube)

On Sunday, I watched an episode of this old talk show from the 80s in which a brawl between Nazis and civil rights leader Roy Innis led to Gerald Rivera getting his nose broken.

The Moment Of Truth (YouTube)

I had totally forgotten about this incredibly mean-spirted game show that aired on Fox back in 2008. Basically, people took a lie detector exam and they received money for each question they answered truthfully. If they were caught in a lie, they lost all of their money. Needless to say, the questions got progressively more and more personal. The episode that I watched on Tuesday featured a woman who won money by admitting that she had been fired from stealing, that she kept secrets about her father from her mother, and that she would leave her husband for her ex-boyfriend. Then the woman was asked if she felt she was a good person and her reply of “Yes,” was found to be deceptive so she lost everything. It was one of the most awkward things that I’ve ever seen.

Naturally, I had to watch another episode on Wednesday. Paul won $100,000 but he also disgusted his girlfriend and family by confession that he felt he could never be loyal to one woman and that was paid for sex while in college. Again, it was awkward but compulsively watchable.

Sally Jessy Raphael (YouTube)

On Sunday, I watched an episode called “He’s Not Good Enough For My Daughter.” Everyone on the show was pretty trashy and it was kind of hilarious watching Sally try to act like she was hosting a serious discussion.

Stars on Mars (Fox, Monday Night)

Andy Richter has been eliminated and to be honest, I’m surprised. Andy’s funny but I think he’d be a little bit annoying to travel to another planet with.

The Steve Wilkos Show (YouTube)

On the episode that I watched on Sunday night, a woman was upset because a “crazy psycho” was stalking her boyfriend. It turned out that the boyfriend wasn’t quite as innocent as he claimed, which I saw coming from a mile away. I enjoyed this episode. It was like an incredibly over-the-top Lifetime movie.

On Monday, I was so depressed, after watching a film called The Honeymoon Killers, that I tried to cheer myself up by watching two episodes. The first one featured Steve kicking an abuser off his stage and that was fun to watch. The second featured a woman who thought her boyfriend was gay and who demanded that he take a lie detector test to prove that he was straight.

On Tuesday, I watched an episode in which a man pretended to have a heart attack to avoid stepping out on stage and seeing the son who he had abandoned years ago. The audience was not impressed. The audience was even less impressed with the woman at the center of the next episode that I watched. Her six children had been taken away from her by the Department of Child Welfare and she was determined to have a seventh child with a teenager who appeared to be suffering from some sort of brain damage. It was disturbing to watch, to say the least.

You Don’t Know Jack (YouTube)

This was a game show, based on the computer game, that aired on ABC in 2001. It was hosted by Paul Reubens. I watched an episode on Saturday morning. The questions were pretty easy. The main attraction of the show was to watch Reubens play the role of the hilariously shallow game show host. It was amusing, though the humor seemed like it would work best in small doses as opposed to on a weekly basis.

Retro Television Reviews: Welcome Back, Kotter 1.18 “Dr. Epstein, I Presume?” and 1.19 “One Flu Over The Cuckoo’s Nest”

Posted on August 5, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Welcome Back Kotter, which ran on ABC from 1975 to 1979. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, Epstein becomes a vet and a flu epidemic hits the school.

Episode 1.18 “Dr. Epstein, I Presume”

(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on January 29th, 1976)

At home, over a checkers game, Gabe tells Julie about his uncle, Walden Kotter. Walden was always concerned as to whether or not he was going to go to heaven.

“Did he ever find out?” Julie asks, without a noticeable lack of enthusiasm.

Gabe explains the Walden went to India and asked the High Llama. “The good news,” the High Llama said, “is that you are going to Heaven. The bad news is that you leave Thursday.”

The next day, an energized Gabe enters his classroom and tells the Sweathogs that it’s time for them to read their compositions about what they want to do with their lives. Barbarino wants to be a guy who never writes compositions. Freddie says that he doesn’t know what he wants to be but he wants to make sure it’s something that pays a lot of money. Horshack says that his essay is not about what he wants to be but about what he wants. “Dear Santa….” Horshack begins.

Suddenly, Gabe realizes that Epstein is not in the class. “I ain’t seen him,” Barbarino says before Epstein suddenly shows up at class, late because he says his pet hamster Florence is sick. Epstein has put Florence in a box and brought her to school with him. Everyone takes a look at the hamster. Epstein explains that he also owns several white mice and a chicken.

“Have you ever considered becoming a vet?” Gabe asks.

“My cousin was in the army, he didn’t like it,” Epstein replies.

“A veterinarian!” Gabe yells.

Epstein says he likes to eat meat.

“Not a vegetarian, a veterinarian!”

It goes on for a while but eventually, Epstein realizes that he could be “Dr. Epstein” and he agrees to talk to the guidance counselor about his new career goal. Yay!

Meanwhile, in the teacher’s lounge, Ms. Helms (Laura Zucker), the school guidance counselor, tells Mr. Woodman that computers and VHS tape are going to change the way that principals run their schools and teachers teach their classes. Remote learning is the future!

“Are you telling me,” Mr. Woodman says, “that someday, I will be able to run this school without having to deal with any students? Imagine that …. a school without students!”

Mr. Woodman is so excited about the idea that you have to feel bad that he wasn’t around for the COVID lockdowns. Seriously, he would have been in Heaven.

Overhearing them, Gabe starts to imitate a robot teacher. After an annoyed Woodman leaves the teacher’s lounge, Gabe brings in Epstein so he can talk to Ms. Helms. Ms. Helms tells Epstein that he doesn’t have high enough test scores to ever pursue a career outside of simple manual labor. She further says that encouraging Epstein to dream of being a vet is unfair to both him and dangerous to his animals. Visibly hurt, Epstein says, “That was the shortest career I’ve ever had,” and storms out of the lounge.

When Ms. Helms explains that teachers should not get close to their students, Gabe replies, “Up your nose with a computer hose.”

As always happens whenever something bad happens at school, the Sweathogs show up at Gabe’s apartment, where they ruin his latest attempt to try to get Julie to laugh. Epstein, Horshack, Freddie, and Barbarino all show up with Epstein’s animals and tell Gabe that they are all now his responsibility. (It turns out that Epstein owned a turtle named Truman Capote.) Epstein announce that all of his animals will be better off without him and Robert Hegyes delivered the line so sincerely that my heart broke a little for him. Seriously, whenever I’m about to dismiss this show as being too silly for its own good, it’ll surprise me with a scene of earnest sincerity.

Anyway, it turns out that Florence the Hamster is pregnant and this somehow leads to all of the Sweathogs donning surgical scrubs while Forence gives birth in Gabe’s classroom.

Gabe runs out the classroom and returns with Ms. Helms. Ms. Helms sees that Epstein supervised the whole process and admits that Epstein might have what it takes to be a doctor. When Epstein says that the two baby hamsters are named Julie and Gabe, the human Gabe tells the hamster Julie a joke about his Uncle Max, who was 64 years old and married a 28 year-old girl.

Back at the apartment, Human Gabe tells Human Julie about his Uncle Max who was 64 years old and …. well, you get the idea. When told that making love at his age could be fatal, Max replied, “If she dies, she dies.” Ouch!

This is the second Epstein-centric story of the first season and, much like the first one, it’s surprisingly effective. Robert Hegyes did a really good job of revealing that, underneath his tough exterior, Epstein was just an insecure kid who needed someone to believe in him. This was a good episode, even if I did find myself wondering where the Sweathogs found those surgical scrubs.

Episode 1.19 “One Flu Over The Cuckoo’s Nest”

(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on February 5th, 1976)

At the apartment, Julie is upset over getting a crank call. Gabe tells her about the time that he called a butcher and asked him if he had pig’s feet. “Where do you buy your shoes?” is the punchline.

At the school, everyone is out with the flu so the gifted class has been combined with the remedial class. The Sweathogs are upset over having to share their class with the smart kids but actually, they’re just insecure because they think Gabe likes the smart kids more than them. Gabe reassures them by asking them a lot of sports-related questions. In the end, the flu takes out everyone except for Gabe and Horshack. This was an extremely simple episode and I got the feeling that it was probably meant to air earlier in the season than it did. The Sweathogs’s individual personalities seemed to a bit less defined than usual and Gabe seemed like he was still struggling to win the trust of his students. Considering that we’ve already seen the Sweathogs visit Gabe at his apartment several times, everything about their relationship in this episode felt a bit off.

To wrap things up, Gabe tells Julie about his Uncle Morris. Morris told a judge that he was worried that he wouldn’t be able to become a U.S. citizen because he spoke “poor English” but, fortunately, the judge also spoke poor English. So, I guess that worked out.

Next week …. it’s exam time!

Retro Television Reviews: The Master 1.13 “A Place To Call Home”

Posted on August 4, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing The Master, which ran on NBC from January to August of 1984. The show can be found on Tubi!

This week, The Master comes to an end.

Episode 1.13 “A Place To Call Home”

(Dir by Gordon Hessler, originally aired on August 31st, 1984)

The Master ends in much the same way that it began, with Max and John Peter McAllister in a small town that is controlled by an evil businessman. In this case, land developer Mark Richards (Jock Mahoney) wants to run the local orphanage out of town so that he can steal the land and expand his uranium mine. Max and McAllister not only help Kim Anderson (Susan Woollen) save her orphanage but they also provide some much-needed mentoring to two of the orphans, Mike (Doug Toby) and Bobby (played by Kane Kosugi). Bobby, it turns out, has some martial arts skills of his own! It’s amazing how McAllister and Max were always traveling to small towns that just happened to be home to other people who knew karate.

Though his son plays Bobby, Sho Kosugi does not appear in this episode, which is a shame considering that it would be turn out to be the show’s finale. For that matter, the show ends with McAllister having yet to find his daughter. In fact, Terri McAllister is only mentioned briefly at the end of the episode, when McAllister says that he and Max have to get back on the road because “I’m looking for my daughter.” Considering that the whole premise of the show was that McAllister was searching for Terri while Okassa was searching for McAllister, it seems like neither was really in a hurry to accomplish their goals.

A Place To Call Home feels like a greatest hits package, duplicating the plot of the pilot while tossing in a bit of the union episode‘s political subtext. Even the scene where McAllister attempts to hop onto a helicopter feels a bit reminiscent of the ghost town episode. The Master ended with an episode that resolved nothing and didn’t really bring anything new to show’s format.

Why did The Master end after thirteen episodes? When taken as a whole, the show wasn’t as bad as its reputation. While the stunt doubles did most of the work, Lee Van Cleef and Tim Van Patten still managed to develop a likable chemistry over the course of 13 episodes. At first, the show’s writer stried too hard to play up the idea of Max Keller being a rebel with a chip on his shoulder but, after the first few episodes, it appears that they realized that Van Patten’s greatest strength as an actor was that he had a sort of amiable goofiness to him. The stories were predictable but the fight scenes were usually (if not always) well-choreographed and entertaining. The stunt people earned their paycheck.

In the end, though, I think The Master never quite figured what it wanted to be. Did it want to be a straight action show? Did it want to be a goofy buddy comedy? In some episodes, McAllister was apparently a famous and well-known figure. In others, he was a total unknown. In some episodes, finding Terri was the most important thing in his life. In others, he really didn’t seem to care. The best episodes were the ones that winked at the audience and acknowledged just how ludicrous the whole thing was. But, far too often, The Master became a generic crime show that just happened to feature martial arts.

The Master is finished and, to my surprise, I’m going to kind of miss it. It had potential. But, it’s time to move on to a new series. Get ready because next week, it’s time for T & T!

Retro Television Review: City Guys 5.19 “Model Behavior” and 5.20 “Almost Fatal”

Posted on August 3, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Thursdays, I will be reviewing City Guys, which ran on NBC from 1997 to 2001. Almost the entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

Seriously, how have we not reached the final episode yet?

Episode 5.19 “Model Behavior”

(Dir by Frank Bonner, originally aired on November 17th, 2001)

I have to admit that, with each week, it gets harder and harder for me to watch and review this stupid show. I’m currently on the final season and there’s only a few more episodes left to go but, every Thursday, I literally have to force myself to sit through whatever episodes are available on YouTube. City Guys was never a particularly original show to begin with. I mean, the only thing that distinguishes it from every other show that Peter Engel produced for NBC was that the cast was a bit more diverse than usual. But, by the fifth season, it was obvious that the writers were out of ideas and the cast was ready to move on. I’m at the point that, whenever I hear Al call his ex-girlfriend “Dawny Dawn,” I want to throw something across the room. Whenever Ms. Noble starts to talk down to her students, I want to scream. Whenever Chris say something dorky or Jamal asks someone to “Help a brother out,” I silently groan. It’s all so predictable that I feel like I could probably just guess what happened in each episode and be correct.

As for this episode, Jamal has a girlfriend! Now, because so much of Season 5 is not streaming online, I don’t know if this episode is the first time that we’ve seen Rosie (Jenna Watson) but apparently, she and Jamal are very much an established couple. Rosie gets an opportunity to be a model and Jamal throws a fit because he doesn’t want other guys checking out his girlfriend, even though Jamal was earlier doing the same thing to Rosie’s fellow models. When Rosie calls him out on it, Jamal learns an important lessons about double standards. Personally, I’m amazed that a successful model like Rosie would waste her time with someone who can barely handle running the cash register at the Manhattan Diner.

Meanwhile, Dawn is organizing a week-long trip to Florida and one of the students who was meant to be a part of the group has to drop out after she gets mono. Ms. Noble tells Dawn that it’s up to her to select who will be the replacement. Al and L-Train suck up to Dawn and try to convince her to take them to Florida. Dawn picks some guy named Jason instead and Ms. Noble gives Al and L-Train a week of detention. In the past, this is the type of B-plot that would have been saved by the comic timing of Steven Daniel but, at this point, I’m even tired of L-Train. To be honest, I don’t know why Dawn didn’t just pick her best friend Cassidy.

This episode just felt tired. The Florida trip made no sense whatsoever while the model storyline just made me think about how much better California Dreams would have handled the whole thing. I’ve been reviewing City Guys for nearly a year now and I’m definitely ready to move on.

Episode 5.20 “Almost Fatal”

(Dir by Frank Bonner, originally aired on November 17th, 2001)

Here’s the plot description for Wikipedia:

After Chris, Jamal, and El-Train survive a car crash, they start going through some changes as they now view life in a whole new perspective. The three friends begin live to their lives on the edge by doing certain activities to the extreme.

This is one of the many season 5 episodes that is not currently streaming anywhere. That’s kind of a shame because the plot description makes it sound like this episode could have been interesting or, at the very least, memorably bad. That said, if I had to guess, I’d say that this was probably just another episode where everyone spent too much time hanging out on the roof and getting a stern talking to from Ms. Noble.

Next week, I’ll be more another episode closer to being done with this show!

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 2.26 “April’s Return/Super Mom/I’ll See You Again”

Posted on August 2, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week’s cruise features Cyd Charisse!

Episode 2.26 “April’s Return/Super Mom/I’ll See You Again”

(Dir by George Tyne, originally aired on May 5th, 1979)

This episode’s writers would want us to believe that the most important thing that happens during this cruise is that April Lopez (played by Charo) returns to the ship. During the first season, April was introduced as a stowaway who managed to charm the entire crew despite traveling illegally. With the help of Captain Stubing, April has gone on to become the cruise line’s most popular entertainer and this week, she’s returns to the Love Boat!

The crew is super-excited because April is such a vivacious force of energy. Or, at least, she was. When she shows up on the boat, she seems to be feeling a bit down. As she explains it to Julie, April has discovered that show business is not all that it’s cracked up to be and that it’s full of lecherous men. (Shocker!) April has decided that she would rather be a cruise director. Julie agrees to show April what the job entails and …. well, it turns out that Julie actually has a pretty easy job. She just goes to Acapulco Lounge at night, spots people who are alone or shy, and offers to dance with them. I do that on a regular basis. I should be a cruise director.

Anyway, April eventually realizes that she makes people happy by performing. Charo was a popular guest star on The Love Boat and, unlike a lot of other actors who appeared in multiple episodes, she always played April. (In this episode, she sings the show’s theme song.) In many ways, Charo was the epitome of The Love Boat, in that her act was meant to be both sexy and old-fashioned at the same time. The Love Boat was a show where everyone on the boat was constantly looking to get laid but the camera still cut away as soon as the cabin door closed and it was understood that sex on the boat would always lead to marriage on dry land. It was a show with the customs of the 70s and the morals of the 50s.

The episode spends a lot of time on April’s search for happiness. Personally, I was more excited by the fact that Cyd Charisse was on the boat. Cyd Charisse is one of my favorite dancers of all time and was one of my personal role models when I was younger. From the minute that Charisse boards the boat, the cameras are focused on her legs, which were just as spectacular as they were 20 years earlier in Singin’ In The Rain and Silk Stockings. Charisse plays Eve Mills, a former USO entertainer who, by an amazing coincidence, happens to be on the same cruise as the man that she fell in love with during World War II, Frank Pearse (Craig Stevens). By another amazing coincidence, Frank just happens to be an old friend of Captain Stubing’s!

Anyway, Frank and Eve recognize each other and they eventually work up the courage to approach each other. Eve thought Frank was killed in the war. Frank thought that Eve ignored all the letters that he sent her while he was recovering from being wounded in action. (It turns out the letters were never mailed because Frank’s nurse was in love with him.) Frank is still in love with Eve but he sees that she’s accompanied by a handsome young Frenchman named Francois (Stephen Schnetzer). Eve reveals to Frank that Francois is not her boyfriend. Instead, Francois is her son! And guess who Francois’s father is? (Really, the fact that he was named Francois should have given it away.)

Finally, Bud (Jerry Stiller) and Margaret (Anne Meara) are on their second honeymoon but, unfortunately, they’ve had to bring along their four bratty kids (one whom is played by a very young Corey Feldman). Bud wants to have a good time. Margaret keeps worrying about the kids. Bud gets a dance lesson from April, which leads to Margaret getting jealous. Don’t worry, they work it out. Jerry Stiller and Anne Meara were adorable together but this story was stressful for me to watch, just because the kids were so hyperactive and never stopped running around. Still, the image of Charo teaching Jerry Stiller how to dance feels like it should be enshrined in a museum devoted to the 1970s.

This episode seemed to exist because the show’s producers really liked Charo and it’s hard not to feel that the rest of episode’s storylines were just treated as being afterthoughts. That said, I enjoyed the Cyd Charisse/Craig Stevens story. Stevens was stiff and dull but Cyd Charisse was Cyd Charisse and that’s all that really matters!

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 3.8 “The Handyman/Tattoo’s Romance”

Posted on August 1, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, on Fantasy Island, Tattoo falls in love!

Episode 3.8 “The Handyman/Tattoo’s Romance”

(Dir by Lawrence Dobkin, originally aired on November 10th, 1979)

Following the death of his wife last week, Mr. Roarke is once again back to being his usual cranky, Tattoo-hating self. And this week, Mr. Roarke has a special reason to be annoyed with his assistant. Tattoo has gone rogue!

As Mr. Roarke explains it, he has rejected the fantasy of Donna May Calloway (Audrey Landers) twice. Donna May says that she wants to be a country-western superstar but Mr. Roarke doesn’t feel that she has the talent and he also feel that Donna May is being pushed into it by her aunt, Ellie Simpson (Carolyn Jones). Ellie had to give up her own musical dreams when she was younger and now she’s forced them onto Donna May. However, Tattoo takes it upon himself to bring Donna May to the Island and to get her an audition with country-western producer, Colonel Hank Sutton (Richard Paul). Mr. Roarke correctly perceives that Tattoo is being blinded by his own crush on Donna May.

Col. Sutton is not impressed with Donna May’s audition. (It doesn’t help that Ellie pressures Donna May to sing a corny song about losing her boyfriend to her best friend.) Still, Ellie is convinced that Tattoo can somehow talk Col. Sutton into giving Donna May another chance. Ellie tells Donna May to use Tattoo’s attraction towards her for own purposes. Though reluctant, Donna May starts to flirt with Tattoo.

Tattoo may be in love but Mr. Roarke is enraged. He confronts Ellie and Donna May in their cabin and tells them that he will not allow them to manipulate Tattoo. (Much as with last week, Ricardo Montalban is obviously energized by having the chance to play Mr. Roarke as being something other than just an enigmatic host.) Ellie goes to Tattoo and lies, claiming that Mr. Roarke told them that Tattoo is not good enough for Donna May. What a bitch!

This leads to — and I’m not joking here — a sincerely touching scene between Mr. Roarke and Tattoo. Tattoo tells Mr. Roarke what Ellie said. Mr. Roarke replies that what worries him more than Ellie saying that is the thought that Tattoo might believe it. Tattoo says that he doesn’t but that he loves Donna May and that he’s going to leave Fantasy Island to be with her. By most accounts (including their own), Ricardo Montalban and Herve Villechaize did not get along on the set but you’d never guess it from this wonderfully performed scene. Both of them deliver their lines with such sincerity and emotional vulnerability that it’s impossible not to be moved by their friendship.

Mr. Roarke confronts Donna May and Ellie in the Fantasy Island recording studio. (Yes, Fantasy Island has its own recording studio.) Donna May is stricken with guilt when she hears that Tattoo is giving up Fantasy Island for her. She tells Ellie that she’s going to live her own life from now on. After Ellie leaves in a huff, Donna May says that she must find Tattoo and apologize to him.

Suddenly, Tattoo reveals that he’s been in the recording the booth the whole time. “Apologize to the boss, first,” Tattoo orders, revealing that his first allegiance will always be to Mr. Roarke. Donna May and Tattoo then sing a country song together. No, I’m not making that up. It’s weird but kind of sweet.

As for the other fantasy, it’s far less interesting. Holly Ryan (Future Congressman Sonny Bono, who was a bit of a regular on both this show and The Love Boat) is an accountant who witnessed a murder committed by a gangster named Spider Sloat (Joey Forman). Holly’s fantasy is to hide out from Spider and, when Spider and his men suddenly show up on the Island, Holly ends up doing just that at an orphanage run by Emily Perkins (Shelley Fabares). Holly falls in love with Emily, takes care of the orphans, and puts on a dress when Spider comes looking for him. It’s a thoroughly lightweight fantasy that largely serves to remind us that no one nicknamed Spider can be convincingly intimidating.

As silly as the second fantasy may be, the first fantasy makes up for it. Much as with last week’s episode, both Ricardo Montalban and Herve Villechaize give such strong performances that this silly little show actually brought a tear to my mismatched eyes.

Will next week be as good? We’ll find out!

Retro Television Reviews: Hang Time 6.1 “www.eugene.trouble.com” and 6.2 “That 60s Show”

Posted on July 31, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Finally! We have reached the final season of Hang Time! While watching this season, it’s important to remember that seasons 5 and 6 were filmed at the same time and were originally meant to be one season. Just as they did with Saved By The Bell: The New Class, NBC decided to split the final season into two seasons and they also decided to air the episodes out of order. In other words, I imagine that it’s going to be a lot of fun trying to find any sort of consistent continuity over the final 12 episodes of Hang Time!

With that in my mind, I’m ready to finally move on from this show so let’s get started on season 6!

Episode 6.1 “www.eugene.trouble.com”

(Dir by Miguel Higuera, originally aired on September 23rd, 2000)

When I talk about how showing episodes out of order can lead to continuity issues, I’m talking about an episode like this one. Season 5 ended with the Tornadoes going to the championship tournament and losing to Muncie, despite the fact that they were favored to defeat Muncie. In fact, the team had been named “Team of the Decade,” which seemed like a bit of overkill on the part of the press. Obviously, the Tornadoes were a good team but it still seemed strange that they got as cocky as they did last season.

If all of the episode had been aired in the order in which they were meant to have been aired, the viewers would have understood that the Tornadoes were not only favored to win the tournament but that, until their loss to Muncie, they had been undefeated for the entire season. That would have explained why they were such heavy favorites, why they got so cocky, and why their loss truly was such an upset. Instead, the majority of the “undefeated season” episodes were moved to season 6. So now, the undefeated season happened the year after their loss to Muncie, when the players themselves were in their sixth year of high school. And, because the episode were aired out-of-order, the first episode of the sixth season features the Tornadoes already deep into their undefeated season and on the verge of making the playoffs.

In this episode, the undefeated season is briefly threatened by Eugene’s gambling problem. When Eugene loses a lot of money playing video poker, he makes the mistake of putting $500 on the Pacers game. When he loses that bet, evil bookie Bill (Kevin Sage) demands that Eugene throw his next game. Instead, Eugene puts his team first, wins the game (and yes, the Tornadoes win by one point), and then nearly gets killed in the hallway by Bill. Fortunately, Coach K comes running around a corner and tosses Bill against some lockers. I’m convinced the look of fear on Bill’s face was real because Dick Butkus may have been a retired football player but it was obvious that he could still break some bones if he wanted to. Eugene learns an important lesson and Coach K declines to kick Eugene off the team, despite the fact that Eugene violated the contract that he signed the previous season.

While this was going on, Kristy had an interview with Stanford but, after an emergency dental appointment left her unable to talk, Mary Beth took her place. Why Kristy didn’t just reschedule the meeting, I have no idea. It was dumb but Megan Parlen and Amber Barretto were always a good comedy team and I laughed every time Mary Beth said that Kristy had a “hump” (due to Kristy wearing an ice pack on her back) and Kristy shouted back, “It wasn’t a hump!”

This episode felt like a strange way to start the season. Again, that’s because of the way that NBC split the final season in two. Usually, Hang Time would start each season with the beginning of the school year. This time, Hang Time jumped into the middle of the season, with the team already talking about making the playoffs. It just didn’t feel right but at least Mary Beth and Kristy are finally, after six years of high school, thinking about college.

Episode 6.2 “That 60s Show”

(Dir by Miguel Higuera, originally aired on September 30th, 2000)

The students at Deering High are upset over the new dress code. I don’t blame them! Look at this:

I would refuse to wear that uniform too!

Pompous ex-Yippie teacher Mr. McHenry (Alan Young) tells them that they should protest the same way that Mr. McHenry protested at Chicago in 1968. (So, they should get hit with tear gas and beaten up by the cops?) The protest rally is a success. The school board drops the uniform requirement but they also fire Mr. McHenry. So, the students decide to protest that as well….

GET TO CLASS, YOU BRATS!

Anyway, the Deering basketball team sits down on the court and refuses to start their next game unless Mr. McHenry is reinstated, which puts their undefeated season at risk. Seriously, though, wouldn’t they just be ordered to forfeit the game if they refused to play?

Anyway, Mr. McHenry is reinstated, even though he’s like 80 and probably would have enjoyed his retirement.

This episode annoyed me. Let us never speak of it again.

Lisa Marie’s Week In Television: 7/23/23 — 7/29/23

Posted on July 29, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Big Brother starts next week and I’m going to have a lot less free time. (I probably should have made better use of my free time this week!) That said, I skipped the Big Brother special that CBS aired this week because I knew there wouldn’t be anything interesting revealed. Big Brother is a show that I both love and hate in equal measures. I never find myself looking forward to it but I always watch once it starts.

Anyways, here some thoughts on what I did watch this week!

City Guys (YouTube)

I wrote about City Guys here!

Claim To Fame (Monday Night, ABC)

I have to admit that Cole was one of the players who I thought had a really good chance of winning the game so I was a little surprised to see him leave the show this week. For the record, he was Alicia Keys’s brother. At this point, I’m just rooting for Olivia.

Degrassi High (YouTube)

I watched an episode on Sunday. Everyone was smoking weed.

Degrassi: The Next Generation (Tubi)

I watched a few random episodes on Sunday. Most of them were from the superlong tenth season, which isn’t really Degrassi’s best season but it is one that I occasionally like to revisit just because it’s not one of those seasons that really demands that you put a lot of effort into concentrating on what was happening on-screen. The tenth season of Degrassi is perfect for background noise.

Fantasy Island (YouTube)

I wrote about Fantasy Island here!

Jenny Jones (YouTube)

The episode that I watched on Thursday was entitled “I Want My Child To Stop Listening To Marilyn Manson.” The kids loved Marilyn and the parents were panicking. Jenny Jones told her audience, “Now, you know, Marilyn Manson is a guy, right? He’s a male.” One of Jenny’s guests was a cutter. The audience booed her, which I doubt helped. “He is far from being one of the beautiful people!” one parent said, “He is a sadistic pig!” I think this episode was from 1996.

On Friday, I watched an episode in which Jenny revealed the results of DNA tests. As a host, Jenny Jones was so flustered and spent so much time stumbling over her words that I actually got a headache while watching her.

The Love Boat (Paramount Plus)

I wrote about The Love Boat here!

The Master (Tubi)

I wrote about The Master here!

Sally Jessy Raphael (YouTube)

On Thursday, I watched an episode about young people with lovers who were old enough to be their grandparents. Many of them had angry family members who wanted to yell at them on national television. The audience did a lot of booing.

I followed this up with an episode in which women were encouraged to dump their “cheating boyfriends.” One of the boyfriends had cheated on his girlfriend with a 13 year-old! Hopefully, they broke up after the show.

I then watched a third episode, in which bratty teenagers talk about how much they disliked the men that their mother dated. I cringed as I was flooded by memories of my own bratty behavior whenever my mom started to date someone new.

On Friday, for reasons that even I can’t quite fathom, I watched another episode in which Sally gave updates on out-of-control teens, the majority of whom were still out-of-control. The boot camps did not work.

Stars on Mars (Monday Night, Fox)

The silliest reality show on television right now continued this week, with Rhonda Rousey asking to be sent back to Earth. Fortunately, since no one on the show had actually left Earth to begin with, it was a quick journey home. As for who I hope wins Stars on Mars …. eh, whatever the prize is, give it to William Shatner. I know he’s the host and he probably only had to spend a day or two pre-taping all of his scenes but he’s still the most entertaining part of the show.

The Steve Wilkos Show (YouTube)

I watched an episode on Thursday. Two brothers with really deep acne scars were on the show, trying to figure out which one was the father of a baby. Their annoying mother came out and screamed at everyone. It was so incredibly trashy that it become oddly fascinating.

I followed this with a second episode, in which Steve tossed an abusive boyfriend off of his stage. That was satisfying to see. Believe it or not, I do think that Steve was perhaps a bit more sincere than his fellow daily talk show hosts. The dislike that he felt towards abusers and cheaters always seemed real in a way that Maury Povich’s similar outrage did not.

On Friday morning, I watched two episodes while doing some work in my office. The first episode featured a woman with a scummy, abusive boyfriend. She dumped him at the end of the episode and the entire audience chanted her name. This was followed by an episode featuring a woman who claimed that her ex-boyfriend had stolen the ashes of her deceased and cremated child. That was weird and depressing.

Welcome Back Kotter (Tubi)

I wrote about Welcome Back Kotter here!