Late Night Retro Television Review: Monsters 3.15 “The Space Eaters”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing Monsters, which aired in syndication from 1988 to 1991. The entire series is streaming on YouTube.

This week, on Monsters, the aliens are due in New England so get your mudrooms ready!

Episode 3.15 “The Space Eaters”

(Dir by Robert T. Megginson, originally aired on January 6th, 1991)

On a stormy night in New England, two old friends get together to play chess.  As is obvious from the dialogue, Howard (Richard Clarke) and Frederick (Matt Hulswitt) have been friends for a long time and their chess game is more than just a way to wait out the bad weather,  It’s a part of an ongoing tradition.  Howard is a respected small town doctor.  Frederick is a veteran.  Neither one is the type to believe stories about aliens coming to Earth.

Until, of course, it actually happens.

Their friend, Henry Wells (Richard Hughes), stumbles into the house and says that he and the other towns people were all captured by aliens and their brains have been eaten.  Henry collapses and dies.  A quick examination of his head reveals a bloodless hole.  Frederick thinks that it might had been the result of a gunshot but why is there no exit wound?  Howard takes a closer look at the hole and discovers that Henry is indeed missing his brain.  Suddenly, Henry starts to speak in the voice of the alien and Howard and Frederick realize that Henry’s crazy story was true.  The aliens have arrived and they’re eating brains!  Can Howard and Frederick, who are apparently the last two townspeople who still have their brains, find a way to outsmart the aliens?

This was a good episode, one that was heavy on atmosphere and which featured good performances from the three-man cast.  When the aliens did show up at the end, their design paid homage to the type of aliens that used to appear in Roger Corman’s 50s sci-fi films.  It’s a nice touch.  I always like it when Monsters pays homage to the horror and science fiction films of the past.

This was another good season 3 episode of Monsters!  It’s rare that a show gets better in its later seasons but, so far, the third season of Monsters has been a hundred times stronger than the previous two seasons.  We’ll see if that pattern continues next week.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 5.25 “Burl of My Dreams/Meet the Author/Rhymes, Riddles, and Romance”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, someone needs to call Family Services.

Episode 5.25 “Burl of My Dreams/Meet the Author/Rhymes, Riddles, and Romance”

(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on March 27th, 1982)

Poor Vicki!

Here she is, living on the Love Boat, surrounded by the middle-aged crew and the largely elderly passengers, and without a single friend her own age.  (Seriously, how does Captain Stubing get away with this?)  She’s excited when an old school friend, Scott Nelson (Rad Daly), boards the boat but Scott, being 14 and a boy, is totally clueless about the fact that 1) Vicki is no longer a tomboy and 2) Vicki totally has a crush on him.

Gopher sees that Vicki is upset so he tries to cheer her up by telling her that she deserves better than Scott and also sending her flowers.  Gopher may have had good intention but now Vicki is convinced that she’s in love with Gopher and that Gopher is in love with her!  Captain Stubing is not amused.  And Vicki is also not amused when she overhears Gopher explaining that he was just trying to make Vicki feel better.  And then she’s truly, truly unamused when Scott kisses her and then reveals that Gopher paid him to do so.

Seriously, poor Vicki!  I relate to Vicki more than to Julie because I’ve never been a cruise director but I have been a teenager.  I will never understand how the Captain is getting away with raising his daughter on a cruise ship.  I can see where it would sometimes for fun for Vicki but doesn’t she miss having friends her own age?  Doesn’t she wish she could explore something other than the Aloha Deck?  This storyline once again reminded the viewer that Vicki really deserves a life on the mainland.

As for the other two stories, Paul Reese (Jared Martin) is a publishing executive who wants to sign an author named Gus Dolan (Alan Hale, Jr.).  Gus is known for his tough crime novels.  In order to get close to Gus, Paul strikes up a romance with Gus’s daughter, Kathy (Georgia Engel).  Kathy is upset when she discovers that Paul works in publishing but, when Paul throws away the contact that he just got Gus to sign, she realizes that Paul does love her.  And then Paul discovers that Kathy is the one who is actually writing Gus’s books.  This storyline featured a good performance from Alan Hale, Jr. but there was next to zero romantic sparks between Jared Martin and Georgia Engel.

Meanwhile, Brian (Paul Williams) and Lenore (Joanna Pettet) searched the ship for a secret treasure and fell in love.  Isaac’s cabin got ransacked twice.  This was a pretty boring story and one of the biggest parts of it — Captain Stubing telling Brian and Lenore not to disturb anyone else’s cabin — took place off-screen.

So, this cruise left me feeling very sorry for Vicki and also for poor Gus Dolan.  Vicki wants friends her own age.  Gus wants to be a real writer.  Not all dreams come true, even on the Love Boat.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Pacific Blue 2.1 “Lights Out”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Pacific Blue, a cop show that aired from 1996 to 2000 on the USA Network!  It’s currently streaming everywhere, though I’m watching it on Tubi.

Let’s start season two of this stupid show!

Episode 2.1 “Lights Out”

(Dir by Terrence O’Hara, originally aired on August 17th, 1996)

It’s time for season 2 of Pacific Blue!

Elvis, the mechanic played by David L. Lander, is no longer a member of the cast but the rest of the ensemble is there and still trying to convince us that they’re real cops despite the fact that they ride bicycles and wear shorts.  The episode opens with Palermo telling everyone that they have new bicycles.  In fact, it’s the same type of bicycles that are used by the Secret Service!

See, the show tells us, bicycle cops aren’t dorky!

Okay, Pacific Blue, whatever,  It’s the start of the second season and you’re still trying to justify your existence.

A mad bomber named Wilson Dupree (Robin Sachs) is planting bombs all over …. Malibu?  Santa Barbara?  Where does this show take place again?  Anyway, we know that Wilson is a bad guy because he speaks with a British accent.  Whenever he plants a bomb, he calls ahead and specifically asks for someone from the bike patrol to come and defuse it.  Why is Wilson picking on the bike patrol?  Hey, who wouldn’t?  The bike patrol is dorky as Heck!

TC and Victor are soon finding bombs.  TC and Victor turn out to be rather incompetent when it comes to defusing bombs.  A lifeguard tower explodes.  A car explodes.  There’s an unintentionally funny scene where the entire bike patrol chases after a taxi that they’ve been informed is carrying a bomb.  Wouldn’t it have made more sense to call the real cops so that they could send a patrol car with its lights flashing and sirens going?  The taxi driver doesn’t even realize he’s being followed.

The FBI sends down Agent Stone (David Lee Smith) to head up the investigation.  As soon as Stone arrives, Palermo starts in with usual “We’re real cops!’ spiel, even though Stone hasn’t suggested that they aren’t.  Palermo is apparently so used to people not taking bike cops seriously that he just starts ranting as soon as he meets anyone new.  Stone asks Chris to be his liaison and Chris, as usual, is like, “Anything to get off this stupid bicycle!”

Stone thinks that Wilson is an anti-technology, eco-terrorist, like the Unabomber.  Palermo has his doubts because Palermo always has to try to convince everyone that he knows everything.  In the end, it really doesn’t matter because Wilson’s main goal is just to blow everything up.  The whole argument over motives feels like it has more to do with Palermo’s insecurities than anything else.

Is the town saved from the mad bomber?  Yes.  Good work, bike patrol!  You all still look silly on those bikes though.

Jack Nicholson guest stars on THE ANDY GRIFFITH SHOW: Season 8, episode 7 – “Aunt Bee, the Juror” – originally aired on October 23rd, 1967!


Aunt Bee (Frances Bavier) serves on a jury where the case involves a man named Marvin Jenkins (Jack Nicholson) who’s been accused of stealing appliances from a department store in Mount Pilot, North Carolina. While the evidence against Mr. Jenkins appears to be overwhelming, Aunt Bee isn’t ready to convict him because he “seems like such a sweet man.” The rest of the jury is getting sick of her so they press her to explain why she doesn’t think he’s guilty. Her answer, “have you noticed his eyes, pure hazel! I just don’t feel like he did it.” The jury decides to take a break for the evening. The next day she brings brownies and wants to continue discussing the case. Needless to say, the remaining jury members aren’t happy as they are ready to be done. They’re quite rude to Aunt Bee and the case finally ends with a hung jury because Aunt Bee refuses to give in to their pressure. Marvin Jenkins, happy to be free, thanks Aunt Bee for believing in him. Meanwhile there’s a guy hanging around the court that seems way too interested in the outcome of the case, especially when Jenkins gets set free. Based on a couple of things he says, Andy (Andy Griffith) figures out that he’s the one who actually stole the items at the store, and it turns out that Aunt Bee was right the whole time. Even better, the episode ends with the judge writing a letter to Aunt Bee requesting her recipe for brownies! 

“Aunt Bee, the Juror” is the second of two episodes where Jack Nicholson appeared on The Andy Griffith Show. He first appeared in season 7, episode 10, “Opie Finds a Baby.” It’s a very short appearance where he shows up at the very end as the father of the found baby. In this episode, Nicholson again has a pretty small role as the man on trial. He answers some questions from the lawyers and Aunt Bee believes him even though no one else does. At the end he happily thanks Aunt Bee for thinking the best of him and not finding him guilty. Most of the episode focuses on Aunt Bee holding out for what she believes in. Based on his short appearance in this episode, it’s hard to believe that Nicholson was on the verge of superstardom. He had already filmed THE SHOOTING (1966), RIDE THE WHIRLWIND (1966), and HELL’S ANGELS ON WHEELS (1967), with EASY RIDER (1969) and FIVE EASY PIECES (1970) just a couple of years away. For me, it’s just fun to see an actor of his caliber on one of my favorite shows of all time.

Happy 88th Birthday, Mr. Nicholson. Thanks for a lifetime of wonderful performances! 

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 6.13 “Midnight Waltz/Let Them Eat Cake”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984.  Unfortunately, the show has been removed from most streaming sites.  Fortunately, I’ve got nearly every episode on my DVR.

This week, Roarke is in the director’s chair!

Episode 6.13 “Midnight Waltz/Let Them Eat Cake”

(Dir by Ricardo Montalban, originally aired on February 12th, 1983)

Adele Anthony (Adrienne Barbeau) is a hard-working waitress whose fantasy is to be a queen for the weekend.  Mr. Roarke asks her if there’s a country that she would like to rule over.  Adele shrugs and says that she’s always liked France.  Mr. Roarke has her shoot an arrow and suddenly, Adele Anthony is …. MARIE ANTOINETTE!

Yes, the same Marie Antoinette who was beheaded during the French Revolution.

Like, seriously, Mr. Roarke ….. she couldn’t have been any other queen?  I’m not really sure why Mr. Roarke decided to do this to Adele, who is probably about a saintly a guest as has ever visited Fantasy Island.  Occasionally, Roarke will use the fantasies to teach someone a lesson but Adele really hasn’t done anything to justify being beheaded.

Fortunately, Adele isn’t beheaded.  It turns out that Marie Antoinette was saved from the guillotine by Francois (Patrick Wayne), a leader of the revolution who was shocked to discover that the Queen was not as heartless as he had been led to believe and that she had actually been framed by her husband, Louis (James Coco) and Louis’s mistress, Baroness La Rue (Cathryn Damon).  Indeed, all Marie Antoinette did was suggest that the cake that the royals were going to have for desert should be given to the citizens, along with a lot of other food.  Louis spread the story that Marie Antoinette had said, “Let them eat cake.”

So, Marie Antoinette (and Adele) survives!  Meanwhile, Louis is dragged off to be beheaded.  Except, it turns out that Louis was just having a fantasy as well.  Louis is actually Mr. Willaker, who runs the Fantasy Island car towing service.  In lieu of paying him for his services, Roarke gave him a fantasy in which he was beheaded.  The episode ends with Willaker towing away Tattoo’s car.

Meanwhile, John Cook (Lew Ayres) is a widower who wants to have one last dance with his wife, Carol (played, in ghost form, by Rosemary DeCamp).  However, John meets and falls in love with Martha Wilson (Jane Wyatt) and instead dances with her.  Carol approves, saying that she doesn’t want John to spend the rest of his days in mourning.  It’s a pretty simple fantasy but you know what?  It still brought tears to my eyes and I still smiled at the end of it.  A lot of that is due to the Lew Ayres, one of the great actors of Golden Age Hollywood.  Ayres gives such a sincere and downright sweet performance that it’s impossible not to get swept up in his fantasy.

This was a good episode.  I’m still not sure that Adele needed to become Marie Antoinette but the last dance fantasy made up for a lot.  It was just so sweet!  This was the second (and last) episode of the series to be directed by Ricardo Montalban and he did a great job.

Late Night Retro Television Review: CHiPs 3.17 “E.M.T.”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing CHiPs, which ran on NBC from 1977 to 1983.  The entire show is currently streaming on Prime!

This week, Ponch and Baker go to school!

Episode 3.17 “E.M.T.”

(Dir by Phil Bondelli, originally aired on January 19th, 1980)

Thinking that it will be an easy class and a chance to meet female college students, Ponch convinces Baker to attend a special EMT course at UCLA.  Ponch also thinks that they’ll get paid overtime for taking the class but it turns out that he didn’t read the fine print.  No one gets paid for going to the class.  Oh well.  At least he and Baker will get a chance to relax, right?  Nope!  The instructor, Michael Adams (played by veteran screen bad guy William Smith), is someone who Ponch and Baker earlier stopped for a minor traffic violation.  He takes an immediate dislike to Ponch and Baker and basically spends the entire class accusing them of just wanting to show off.  And, considering everything that we know about Ponch, he’s probably right.

Michael Adams is bitter because his son, Warren (Pat Petersen), was in an accident and, due to the cops not knowing how to handle someone with a spinal injury, Warren now has to use crutches to get around.  Michael is so bitter that he almost seems to be embarrassed by his son’s disability.  Boo, Michael, boo!  Seriously, what an unlikable creep.  And yet, I get the feeling that we’re supposed to understand and respect Michael, even if he is a jerk.  Part of the problem is that William Smith was one of those actors who always came across as being naturally sinister.  Smith played a lot of bikers and corrupt cops over the course of his career.  He was someone who just looked menacing and perpetually annoyed.  In this episode, I kept expecting him to try to kill Baker and Ponch.  Don’t get me wrong.  William Smith was a good actor but, in this episode, he just seems miscast.

Ponch and Baker do put their training to good use, especially when a makeshift cave collapses on two boys who were using it as a hideout.  Ponch and Baker also use their skills to save a man who fell out of a truck.  In one of those weird coincidences on which CHiPs thrived, Ponch and Baker just happened to be hang gliding nearby when the accident with the truck happened.  Oh, Jon and Ponch!  Don’t ever let anyone say that you guys spend way too much time together.

(Seriously, does Baker have no friends outside of the police force?  At least Ponch seems to know his neighbors.)

Eventually, Ponch and Baker win Michael over, especially when Michael himself needs to be rescued.  Later, they visit Michael in the hospital and everyone has a good laugh as the end credits roll.  Good for them!  As for this episode, I actually liked getting to see Ponch and Baker doing something other than riding their motorcycles on the highway.  To me, this show’s main worth is as a time capsule and this episode allowed us all to see what UCLA was like back in 1980.  It was pretty nice!

Retro Television Review: Miami Vice 4.1 “Contempt of Court”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing Miami Vice, which ran on NBC from 1984 to 1989.  The entire show can be purchased on Prime!

This week, the fourth season begins with a whimper.

Episode 4.1 “Contempt of Court”

(Dir by Jan Eliasberg, originally aired on September 25th, 1987)

It’s time for season 4!  Crockett has longer hair!  Tubbs has a beard!  Otherwise, they’re still somehow doing the undercover thing, despite making no effort to maintain their undercover identities.  This episode finds them both in court and, later on, pulling their guns on a mob boss in broad daylight.  How exactly there is anybody in Miami who does not know that Burnett and Cooper are actually Crockett and Tubbs, I do not know.

This was kind of a boring episode, which does not bode well for the rest of the fourth season.  Mob boss Frank Mosca (Stanley Tucci) is on trial but, because the case hinges on information supplied by an informant, Crockett is faced with making the decision about whether or not to name Jack Rivers (Steven Keats) as the informer.  For Jack’s own safety, Crockett refuses but Mosca figures it out anyway.  Jack is stabbed to death while a helpless Crockett watches.  (Crockett’s in jail on a contempt of court charge.)  Later, Jack’s teenage son, Terry (Richard Panebianco), tells Crockett, “I had no idea you were a cop.”  Really?  What a stupid kid.

Anyway, after Mosca frames a juror for taking bribes and a mistrial is declared, Terry pulls a gun on Mosca as he and his men are walking out of the courthouse.  For once, Crockett and Tubbs are able to convince someone not to open fire.  I think this is the first time, in Miami Vice history, that Crockett and Tubbs have managed to prevent an assassination.  Still, Terry does fire his gun in the air.  Mosca smirks and leaves.  What’s weird is that no one else reacts to Terry shooting he gun.  I mean, he’s on the steps of the courthouse.  Why are there no guards rushing out?  Why are Crockett and Tubbs the only cops around?  Seriously, it makes absolutely no sense.

This episode had some worthy guest stars.  Stanley Tucci appeared to be having fun as the cartoonishly evil Mosca.  Meg Foster played the district attorney.  Philip Baker Hall was the judged who ordered Crockett to name the informant.  That said, the episode itself got bogged down in all of the legal wrangling going on inside the courtroom.  For the past three seasons, Miami Vice is a downbeat cop show, not a show about lawyers objecting and debating the point of law.  The fourth season premiere felt off.

I’ve read bad things about this upcoming season and this episode did little to generate any feeling of optimism or hope.  Both Don Johnson and Philip Michael Thomas looked bored and even Edward James Olmos’s Castillo is starting to get a little …. I guess annoying would be the world.  Seriously, make eye contact with someone!

Well, we’ve got a long season ahead of us.  Let’s hope for the best.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Pacific Blue 1.13 “All Jammed Up”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Pacific Blue, a cop show that aired from 1996 to 2000 on the USA Network!  It’s currently streaming everywhere, though I’m watching it on Tubi.

This week, season one comes to an end!

Episode 1.13 “All Jammed Up”

(Dir by Ronald Victor Garcia, originally aired on May 25th, 1996)

Here we are at the end of the first season of the show and both Pacific Blue and Tim Palmero’s bicycle squad are still struggling to justify their existence.

There’s a couple of thieves robbing people who are stuck in traffic.  The thieves ride bicycles.  You can literally see Palermo light up as he realizes that he’s finally run into a criminal who can reasonably be subdued by his bike patrol.  Of course, it still takes them forever to catch the guy.  Whenever the bike criminal would escape and Palermo or TC would say, “We’ll get him next time,” I was reminded of Mike Brady trying to sell his terrible architectural designs in The Brady Bunch Movie and assuring his desperate boss that the next client would definitely want their gas station or restaurant to look just like the Brady house.

Meanwhile, Chris and and Cory go undercover as escorts in order to catch an arms dealer who is staying at a hotel and who has a thing for sex workers.  Chris is not happy with assignment and complains about it.  Normally, I would agree because it really is a degrading assignment.  (The arms dealers can be identified only by a tattoo on his behind.)  But Chris whines about everything so I have to admit that I didn’t have as much sympathy as I should have had.

Cory, along with her undercover work, is upset because her boyfriend (Ken Olandt) refuses to tell his parents that she’s a bike cop.  Her boyfriend’s father was played by Robert Pine, the sergeant from CHiPs.  That was amusing.

Meanwhile, Elvis wants to ask someone out.  TC gives him advice and, in a nod to Cyrano, tells Elvis what to say.  Hey, TC — there’s a crime wave going on!  Or maybe you didn’t notice….

This was a pretty pointless way to end the season but …. eh, it’s Pacific Blue.  It’s pretty much what I was expecting from this show.  This first season was pretty bad.  I can’t really think of a single episode that didn’t get on my nerves in some way.  Way too much time was spent this season on people saying, “They ride bikes?”  Yes, they ride bikes.  They look stupid and I would be kind of angry if I was the victim of a crime and any of these losers showed up but at some point, both the show and the audience will have to accept that it is what it is.  The show is about cops on bicycles.  Every episode during the first season seemed to be designed to make us go, “Okay, they’re real cops!”  But if you’re still having to convince the audience of that thirteen episodes in, it’s a problem.

Oh well.  Season 2 starts next week!

 

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 6.12 “The Tallowed Image/Room and Bard”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984.  Unfortunately, the show has been removed from most streaming sites.  Fortunately, I’ve got nearly every episode on my DVR.

This week, William Shakespeare comes to the Island!  Smiles, everyone, smile!

Episode 6.12 “The Tallowed Image/Room and Bard”

(Dir by Carl Kugel, originally aired on January 29th, 1983)

This week, we have another two fantasies and, interestingly enough, they both involve time travel.

Movie star Angela Marckham (Laraine Stephens) wants to be taken seriously as an actress.  She asks Roarke to send her back in time so that she can appear in one of Shakespeare’s plays.  However. something goes wrong when Roarke attempts to open up the time travel portal and instead, Shakespeare (Robert Reed) ends up in the modern era.

“Be this Heaven or Hell?” Shakespeare demands.

“This is Fantasy Island,” Tattoo replies.

Shakespeare is happy to have escaped England because he was on the verge of being killed by the Earl of Norfolk (Lloyd Bochner).  Angela puts Shakespeare to work writing a scene for her but Shakespeare announces that he cannot use a “word processor” and needs a quill pen.  Luckily, quills can be bought at the Fantasy Island gift shop!  Shakespeare then gets writers block.  Angela really should just demand a refund.  Her fantasy is a bust.  No traveling to the past.  No play.  Shakespeare is kind of a jerk.  But then the Earl of Norfolk shows up on Fantasy Island and, with his life now in danger, Shakespeare discovers that can write again.  Hooray!

This fantasy felt familiar but, then again, the same can be said for many of the episodes of Fantasy Island that I’ve recently watched.  After six seasons, any show would start to repeat itself.  In this case, neither Angela nor Shakespeare are particularly sympathetic.  Roarke has the patience of the saint.

Meanwhile, Andy Durant (Ray Buktenica) goes back to Victorian-era London so that he can meet a model whose picture fascinates him.  Andy meets Pamela Gentry (Angela Landers) but is shocked to discover that she is about to fall victim to the mad owner of a wax museum.  Frederick Kragan (Cesar Romero) kills his models and then disguises them as wax figures.  (If this sounds familiar, it’s because it’s basically a remake of House of Wax.)  Kragan’s assistant, Otto, is played by Sid Haig!  Can Andy save Pamela’s life and expose Kragan’s crimes?

This was a fairly entertaining episode.  I actually kind of liked the idea of Shakespeare being a cranky jerk, even if there was nothing particularly British about Robert Reed’s performance.  Then again, there’s also nothing British about the performances of Audrey Landers, Cesar Romero, or Sid Haig.  This was an odd episode but the House of Wax fantasy had a lot of old school Hammer film atmosphere to it.  And, for those who enjoy Roarke/Tattoo comedy, this episode had a bit more than usual.  Between Tattoo trying to help Shakespeare and Roarke laughing off Angela’s very justified anger over her fantasy not being fulfilled, this was a very good Roarke/Tattoo episode.

Overall, this was a good trip to the Island.