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Retro Television Reviews: Welcome Back, Kotter 2.23 “I Wonder Who’s Kissing Gabe Now”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Welcome Back Kotter, which ran on ABC  from 1975 to 1979.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, season 2 ends as the new art teacher tempts Gabe to have an affair with someone who actually likes his jokes!

Episode 2.23 “I Wonder Who’s Kissing Gabe Now”

(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on March 3rd, 1977)

The second season finale opens with Gabe telling Julie a joke about his cousin Mark, who went back to the old neighborhood and dropped in on the old shoe repairman.  The shoe repairman saw that Mark was carrying a sales ticket from several years ago and he said, “Your shoes will be ready next Tuesday!”  Julie laughed politely.

The second season finale closes with Gabe telling Julie a really long joke about the time his Aunt Mabel went to see a psychiatrist on Park Avenue and was basically led back to the outside of the building because she didn’t make enough money to see a Park Avenue doctor.  Again, Julie laughed politely.

From the very first episode, Gabe telling Julie a joke about his family has been one of this show’s mainstays.  Sometimes, Julie smiles in response.  Sometimes, she gives up a pity laugh or two.  And sometimes, she seems downright annoyed with Gabe for wasting her time.  Gabe’s jokes are obviously very important to him.  (And, of course, they served to remind the audience that, when he wasn’t starring on a sitcom, Gabe Kaplan was a stand-up comedian.)  However, Julie never really seems to be too enthusiastic about them.  I imagine that a lot of this was due to the fact that Gabe Kaplan and Marcia Strassman did not get along behind-the-scenes but, for the show, it really does make you wonder just how much longer Gabe and Julie are going to be married.  I mean, by this point, it’s obvious that the reason Gabe spends so much time with the Sweathogs is so he won’t have to deal with Julie.  And Julie’s bad cooking is obviously a result of her secret desire to poison her husband.  This marriage just feels doomed.

The Sweathogs are certainly concerned about that.  When Epstein overhears the new art teacher, Paula Holtzgang (Denise Galick), telling Gabe that she has fallen in love with him, he is stunned.  He is even more shocked when he sees Gabe and Holtzgang kissing.  Of course, what Epstein doesn’t realize is that Paula was the one kissing Gabe and not the other way around.  Epstein tells the Sweathogs what he witnessed.  Horshack panics, wondering who will get custody of the Sweathogs if the Kotters split up.  Barbarino tries to solve the problem by showing off some of his dance moves as Paula leaves the school but, to his shock, she ignores him.

For his part, Gabe tells Julie about what happened and he says that he told Paula he wasn’t interested.  Julie demands to know if Paula is prettier than her.  Gabe says that Paula is a “different type” than Julie ….. which, yeah, that was not the right answer.  Fortunately, Gabe does not tell Julie that Paula kissed him.  Instead, the Sweathogs show up at the apartment and, attempting to save the marriage, tell Julie that she shouldn’t worry about the kiss.

With Julie on the verge of demanding a divorce, Gabe kicks the Sweathogs out of the apartment and he then assures Julie that he loves her and he can’t wait for their child to be born.  He even has a name picked out: “Farrah Fawcett Kotter.”

The next day, Gabe enters his classroom to find Paula waiting for him.  Paula says that she no longer finds Gabe attractive and leaves.

And that’s it for the second season!

Wow, what a strange episode to end on.  I mean, I guess it was good because it confirmed that Gabe and Julie will not be getting a divorce even though it’s obvious that they hate each other.  And this episode also reinforced how much the Sweathogs loved their teacher.  John Travolta got to show off his dance moves and that’s always a good thing.  But, overall, this episode was broad even by the standards of Welcome Back Kotter, with the Sweathogs coming across as being a bit to cartoonish for their own good.  The Sweathogs have always been a bit over the top but, in the past, they were still at least believable as tough but sometimes vulnerable Brooklyn teens.  But, for the past few episodes, they’ve become more like comic book characters than real people.

And yes, there was a Welcome Back, Kotter comic book:

Anyway, that’s it for the second season!  Next week …. season 3 begins!  Will the Sweathogs ever graduate?

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Friday the 13th: The Series 1.9 “Root of all Evil”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing Friday the 13th, a show which ran in syndication from 1987 to 1990. The show can be found on YouTube!

This week, Lloyd returns!

Episode 1.9 “Root of all Evil”

(Dir by Allan King, originally aired on November 28th, 1987)

Remember Lloyd (Barclay Hope)?

Lloyd is Micki’s fiancé, an attorney who obviously has a lot of money.  Way back when this series began, Micki promised Lloyd that it would only take her a week or two to deal with her late uncle’s estate.  That was all we heard about Lloyd for the next few episodes and I have to admit that I had assumed that the show had forgotten about him.

Well, it turns out that I was wrong.  In this episode, Lloyd calls up Micki at the antique shop and basically accuses her of trying to get out of marrying him.  Micki, who obviously cannot begin to explain what she’s been doing at the antique shop, tells Lloyd that her uncle’s estate is really complex.  Lloyd wants Micki to come back home.  Micki, herself, says that she wants to go back home.  Ryan, however, tells Micki that they have an obligation to get all of the cursed antiques.

(One of the best things about the first season so far has been the contrast between Ryan’s enthusiasm for dealing with the supernatural and Micki’s more cautious approach towards their mission.  Wisely, the show doesn’t take sides.  Ryan often acts without thinking while Micki often spends a lot of time trying to rationalize each of the curses.  Both approaches have their strengths and their flaws.)

Lloyd eventually shows up at the antique shop and Micki finally tells him what’s going on.  She even shows him the vault, which includes the psycho doll from the show’s pilot.  (The doll gives Micki and Lloyd a rather nasty look.)  Lloyd is still not convinced and, at first, Micki takes some comfort in the fact that he’s not a Ryan-style believer.  She considers marrying Lloyd and returning to a life of pretending that the supernatural doesn’t exist.

While Micki is dealing with all of that, Ryan and Jack are dealing with a homicidal gardener named Adrian (played by future Veronica Mars co-star, Enrico Colantoni) who has a cursed mulcher.  When he stuffs a person into a mulcher, the body is transformed into however much money the person was worth, both financially and morally.  Jack and Ryan go undercover as gardeners and, as you can probably guess, Adrian is eventually fed into the mulcher.  The mulcher doesn’t feel that Adrian is worth even a dollar, which means that it just grinds his body up and blood goes flying everywhere.  This is definitely one of the more gory episode of the show so far.

As for Lloyd, even after he sees proof that magic is real and that the antiques actually are cursed, he still says that Micki should abandon the store and marry him.  Micki realizes that Lloyd doesn’t care about anyone but himself and she dumps him.  (If she had fed him to the mulcher, she could have at least gotten some money out of the deal.)  The episode ends with Ryan welcoming Micki back to the antique shop and Micki realizing that she’s home.  Awwwwww!

I liked this episode, mostly because it tied up a loose end from the pilot, suggesting that the show’s writers actually were paying attention to what they were doing and also showing that Friday the 13th was more than just a show about the supernatural.  It was also a show about the bonds of family and friendship.  Robey finally got to do something more than look scared and ask Jack what to do.  And, it must be said, the mulcher was an enjoyably grisly creation.  Still, I do have to wonder …. who buys a mulcher from an antique store?

Retro Television Reviews: T and T 2.7 “Fast Friends”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing T. and T., a Canadian show which ran in syndication from 1987 to 1990.  The show can be found on Tubi!

This week, Mr. T whacks the attack!

Episode 2.7 “Fast Friends”

(Dir by Alan Simmonds, originally aired on November 14th, 1988)

On a rainy night in Toronto, Jonah (Leslie Toth) asks his friend Adam (Peter Spence) for permission to borrow Adam’s car.  Jonah explains that he’ll only need the car for an hour and he just has to do some “business.”  He promises Adam that this business has nothing to do with drugs.  Adam hands over the keys.

So, from the start, this episode establishes that Adam is idiot.

I mean, seriously, once can just look at the sweaty and fidgety Jonah and tell that he needs the car to pick up some drugs.  When someone who hasn’t taken a shower in a week tells you that he has to go out and do some “business,” it’s guaranteed that the business is going to involve drugs.  And even if Jonah was being honest about not being involved in the Canadian drug trade, who lets anyone borrow their car?  Even if it was a life-and-death situation, I would not give any of my friends the keys to my car.  That’s right — I would rather that someone die than let them drive my car.

But Adam feels differently.  He hands over his keys and, of course, Jonah drives to a warehouse and picks up several vials of crack cocaine.  Jonah is in debt to some drug dealers so he needs to pick some crack to sell on the streets.  But since Jonah is a no-good junkie, he smokes a little before he gets back in his friend’s car.  While trying to return the car, Jonah attracts the attention of the police.  Jonah abandons the car in an alley and runs for it.

When Adam finds out about what happened, he yells at Jonan and then, stupidly, heads down to the alley to get the car.  Adam is shocked to find crack cocaine all over the front seat because, again, Adam is an idiot.  Suddenly, the cops show up and arrest Adam!

Despite the best efforts of Detective Luntz (Alar Adema), Adam refuses to betray Jonah.  He claims that he was at home all night and that someone stole his car and left it in the alley with the drugs.  Detective Luntz continually points out that Adam’s story makes no sense because, if Adam’s car was stolen, how did Adam know where to find it?

It looks like Adam is doomed but, fortunately, his mother hires Amy Taler and T.S. Turner!  While Amy talks to Luntz in the hallway, Turner talks to Adam and shows off his new, far less menacing mohawk.

Adam tells T.S. about Jonah.  T.S. tracks down Jonah at a local drug den.  When Jonah tries to run, T.S. grabs him and says, “I know who you are, I know what you’re doing, and I don’t like it …. Talk to me, brother!”  That’s all it takes for Jonah to realize the error of his ways.  After T.S. beats up the drug dealers, Adam is released from custody.  However, Jonah still confesses to possessing the drugs because it’s the right thing to do.

And that’s the episode!  This was another instance in which the show’s 30-minute running time led to the story feeling a bit rushed.  T.S. tracked down Jonah with remarkable ease and he really didn’t seem to have any trouble convincing Jonah to turn on his dealers.  That said, the scene in which T.S. walked through the crack house was well-directed and full of a lot of creepy visuals.  Say what you will about Mr. T’s range of an actor, this episode featured him at his most sincere.  One gets the feeling that beating up drug dealers was something that Mr. T did whenever he had a break from filming.

Next week on T and T …. oh, who knows?  Toronto’s a wild city.

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Highway to Heaven 1.10 “Help Wanted: Angel”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Highway to Heaven, which aired on NBC from 1984 to 1989.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi and several other services!

This week, Mark falls in love and Jonathan directs a movie.

Episode 1.10 “Help Wanted: Angel”

(Dir by Michael Landon, originally aired on November 21st, 1984)

This is a strange episode.

The first half of the episode plays out like almost a parody of Highway to Heaven.  In fact, I would assume that it was a parody except for the fact that this was only the show’s tenth episode and that’s a bit early for any show to start intentionally parodying itself.

Still in Hollywood, Jonathan and Mark come across a sign that has been posted by someone named Joey.  “Angels Needed,” the sign says.  The sign has an address that turns out to be a community center, one that is populated by a mix of cranky retired people and young criminals.  The center’s maintenance worker is a developmentally challenged young man named Joey Smalls (Dennis Fimple).  Joey put up his sign because he wants an angel to help an elderly screenwriter named Martin Lamm (John Lormer).  Martin has written a script about a magician and he wants to not only make the film but also fill the cast with people from the neighborhood.

No sooner have Mark and Jonathan stepped into the community center and met Joey and Martin then they are suddenly joined by a man named Petros (Al Ruscio).  Petros speaks in a thick Greek accent and he says that he has also seen Joey’s sign, he has read Martin’s script, and he wants to produce the movie.  And he wants Jonathan to direct it and Mark to play the role of a sea captain who falls in love with a woman who has “a past,” as Petros puts it.  As the woman, they cast Stella (Stella Stevens), who actually does have a past.

We then jump forward several weeks.  Jonathan is directing the film, even though he doesn’t seem to have a crew and we don’t actually see any cameras filming anything.  Joey has impressed everyone with the sincerity of his acting and he is now friends with former gang member, Chewy (Randy Vasquez).  Mark, meanwhile, is falling in love with Stella.

So, that’s the first half of the episode.  It’s all very broadly acted and the dialogue frequently crosses the line from sentimental to mawkish.  I have to admit that I rolled my eyes more than a few times because it all felt so overdone.

But then, the second half of the episode opens with Petros approaching Jonathan.  Jonathan asks Petros about his past.  Petros says that he was born in Galilee and that, before starting his current line of work, he was a fisherman.  Jonathan realizes that Petros is actually St. Peter and he’s been sent down to help Jonathan out with his mission.  It turns out that Jonathan’s mission is not really about Joey or Martin.  Instead, it’s about Stella, who is going to die and it’s about Mark, who is about to lose the woman that he’s fallen in love with.  Realizing that Stella’s character is also going to die in the movie that he’s supposedly directing, Jonathan asks if they can just rewrite the script but Peter tells him that they can’t.  What is going to happen is going to happen.

And it does happen, though not before Mark asks Stella to marry him and Stella says yes.  When she finds out that she’s ill, Stella leaves Mark a note saying that she’s dumping him for an ex-boyfriend.  At first, Mark is angry but, with Jonathan’s help, he realizes the truth.  Mark finds Stella waiting for him on the beach where they filmed their scenes for the movie and they get married as the ocean crashes behind them.  And then, off-screen, Stella dies.

And I went from rolling my eyes to actually wiping away tears because, as broad and kind of annoying as the first half of the episode was, the second half was sensitively directed by Michael Landon and sincerely acted by both Victor French and Stella Stevens.  If the first half felt like a parody, the second half was a reminder of why this show still remains popular on so many streaming platforms.  At its best, there was an unapologetic earnestness to Highway to Heaven.  This was a show that said that it was okay to cry and to have emotions and to care about people.  This was a strange episode but, ultimately, a surprisingly effective one.

Retro Television Review: Jennifer Slept Here 1.9 “Risky Weekend”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Jennifer Slept Here, which aired on NBC in 1983 and 1984.  The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

This week, Joey has the house to himself …. kind of.

Episode 1.9 “Risky Weekend”

(Dir by John Bowab, originally aired on April 14th, 1984)

It’s the weekend and George and Susan Elliot are going out of town.  They’re taking their daughter with them but they’re leaving teenage son Joey alone in the house.  George leaves the family’s sailboat sitting on the back patio so that “It will look like we’re still here!”  How could this go wrong?

Jennifer is certainly excited about the house being nearly empty but Joey tells her that he has a big test coming up and he just needs some peace and quiet so that he can concentrate on studying.  Jennifer agrees to leave him alone for the weekend but what she doesn’t know is that Joey is a damn liar.  He and his friend, Marc, are planning on throwing a party.  Woo hoo!  Unfortunately, while Marc is helping to get the house ready for the party, he accidentally gives the sailboat a shove and it crashes into the living room.

Fortunately, Jennifer has come back home and she tells Joey that he should call his parents and just tell them what happened.  Joey, however, decides to take care of the situation himself.  He calls in a local landscaper, Eddie (Hamilton Camp).  Even though Joey doesn’t have enough money to cover the repairs, Eddie says that he’ll fix the damage if Joey allows Eddie’s church to have bingo night in his house.  Again, despite Jennifer’s reservations, Joey agrees.

It turns out that bingo night is actually an illegal casino.  Joey tells Jennifer not to worry about it but, when his mom calls him and says that they’re coming home early, Joey is soon begging Jennifer to help him out.  Jennifer helps Joey put the casino out of business by helping him cheat at all the games.  Myself, I’m just amazed at how quickly the house was transformed into a casino, complete with slot machines, a craps table, and a roulette wheel.  Did Eddie just have all of that stuff sitting in his living room or something?

Anyway, Joey breaks the bank.  All of the gamblers leave but Eddie and his gangsters say that they’re not going anywhere.  Fortunately, Jennifer calls the ghost cops to come and arrest Eddie because …. EDDIE AND HIS ASSOCIATES ARE ALL GHOSTS!

Even though Eddie left behind all of the casino stuff, it has mysteriously disappeared from the house by the time Susan and George return to the house.  George is really impressed by how nice the house looks.  Joey tells his parents about the casino and the ghost cops and they assume that he’s delirious from doing homework all weekend.  Then George goes outside and accidentally crashes the sailboat into the living room again.  What?  How stupid is George?

This was a weird episode.  The plot makes no sense but it’s also so random that it becomes likable in its own strange way.  This is one of those episodes that feels as if it was made up on the spot but Ann Jillian and John P. Navin Jr. both give energetic enough performances that the whole thing somehow holds together.  Then again, maybe I just like movies and TV shows that take place in casinos.  I always appreciate the fact that people dress up to gamble.  Were the gamblers also ghosts or was it just the gangsters?  Weird episode.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Monsters 1.9 “Pool Sharks”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing Monsters, which aired in syndication from 1988 to 1991. The entire show is streaming on Tubi.

This week, the stakes are huge when two people play a game of pool.

Episode 1.9 “Pool Sharks”

(Dir by Alan Kingsberg, originally aired on December 17th, 1988)

Gabe (Tom Mason) steps into a run-down bar, carrying a pool cue with him.  There’s only three other people in the bar, a bartender (Page Johnson), a nervous man named Lester (Irving Metzman), and a beautiful woman in a black dress who is named Natasha (Rebecca Downs).  Natasha is easily beating Lester in a game of pool.  Gabe says that he wants the next game.

Both Gabe and Natasha are pool hustlers and neither one makes much of an effort to hide it.  Natasha makes a bet.  If Gabe wins their game, Natasha will give him money.  If Natasha wins, Gabe will …. well, Natasha doesn’t really make it clear what Natasha will win, beyond indicating that Gabe will enjoy it.  As Natasha later explains, the bet is less important than getting Gabe to accept it.  As Natasha puts it, accepting the bet is the same as inviting her in.

As the game progresses, it becomes clear that Gabe did not just randomly walk into the bar.  He specifically tracked down Natasha and he’s not surprised when Natasha mentions that she has to be in bed before the sun rises.  Nor is he particularly surprised to discover that Lester is actually Natasha’s servant.  As they play, Natasha uses her eyes and a flash of her thigh to try to hypnotize Gabe.  Gabe, meanwhile, makes sure that she sees the cross that is hanging around his neck.

Now, as you probably already guessed (and I guess this is a SPOILER if you’re planning on watching this episode on Tubi), Natasha is no ordinary pool hustler.  She’s a vampire, one who feasts upon the men who lose to her in a game of pool.  One of Natasha’s more recent victims was Gabe’s brother.  Gabe came to the pool hall looking for revenge but the only way that he’ll be able to get it is if he beats Natasha at pool.  That might not be easy, as Natasha has magic powers.  But Gabe has a cross so this pool game becomes a battle between the profane and the sacred.

I really enjoyed this episode.  Even though it was fairly obvious from the start that Natasha was a vampire (she was even called “Countess” by Lester at one point), the episode was full of sultry and ominous atmosphere.  Tom Mason and Rebecca Downs were both perfectly cast as the rival players and there was a definite undercurrent of sexual tension to their conversations, one that brought a whole new layer to the show’s revenge plot.  Past episodes of Monsters have struggled when it comes to finding an appropriate way to end each week’s story.  This episode, I’m happy to say, had a perfect and very satisfying ending.  This was a good and enjoyable episode, one that felt almost as if it could have been a mini-episode of True Blood.

Next week’s episode features a bed that eats people!  Woo hoo!

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 3.18 and 3.19 “Kinfolk/Sis & the Slicker/Moonlight & Moonshine/Too Close for Comfort/The Affair: Part 2”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, it’s a family affair on The Love Boat!

Episodes 3.18 & 3.19 “Kinfolk/Sis & the Slicker/Moonlight & Moonshine/Too Close for Comfort/The Affair: Part 2”

(Dir by Roger Duchowny, originally aired on January 19th, 1980)

Well, heck, it’s another double-sized, two-hour episode of The Love Boat.

This is actually the third two-hour episode of the third season, following the season premiere and the episode with the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders.  I have to admit that I don’t really look forward to these two hour episodes because they’re usually a bit uneven.  The Love Boat was the perfect hour show, one that featured stories that were specifically designed to be neatly wrapped up in 40 minutes.  The two-hour episodes always seem to lose their narrative momentum after that first hour and that’s certainly the case here.

At the center of the episode is Danny Fields (Donny Osmond), a singer who has been booked to perform on the cruise.  Julie is convinced that Danny is going to be a big star and she’s even convinced a talent scout named Steve Sorrell (Rich Little) to board the ship so that he can see Danny perform.  However, Steve is more interested in Kitty Scofield (Loni Anderson), an innocent West Virginia girl who is eager to see the rest of the world but who is also engaged to marry the unambitious Elmer Fargas (Randall Carver).  Kitty is also Danny’s sister and, in fact, Danny’s entire family (played by Richard Paul, Marion Ross, and Slim Pickens) are on the cruise.  Danny is worried that his hillbilly family will stand in the way of his rock ‘n’ roll career and he goes out of his way to avoid them.  While the rest of the Scofields are willing to accept that Danny doesn’t want to associate with them, Grandpa Luke Scofield (Slim Pickens) lets Danny know that he’s not to happy with Danny and his rock ‘n’ roll ways.  Of course, Luke himself is being courted by Brenda Watts (Eve Arden), a writer who wants to write about the Scofield family and who gets close to them by pretending to be from West Virginia herself.

Fortunately, Danny comes to realize the error of his ways, especially after he sees how Steve has been manipulating his sister.  At his next performance, Danny introduces his family and sings Country Roads especially for them.  Meanwhile, Kitty realizes that she needs to be independent for a while so she dumps both Steve and Elmer, though it’s suggested that she’ll eventually give Elmer a second chance.  Brenda comes clean to Luke about not being a hillbilly and Luke eventually forgives her because he’s in love with her and Brenda’s in love with him.  Even old Steve turns out to be not such a bad guy, though he does tell Danny that his record label just isn’t looking for any new country acts.  Hmmm …. maybe Danny should have stuck with the rock ‘n’ roll.  Oh well!

Got all that?  I hope so because I’m not typing all that out again.

Meanwhile, Frank (Robert Guillaume) and Maura Bellocque (Denise Nicholas) are taking the cruise with their best friends, Dave (Richard Roundtree) and Cynthia Wilbur (Pam Grier).  Frank and Cynthia are having an affair and they aren’t particularly discreet about it.  I was expecting Maura to decide that maybe she and Dave should have an affair of their own but instead, she just spent the entire cruise glaring at Frank.  This was actually a surprisingly dramatic story, one that did not end with the expected positive outcome.  (Is this the first cruise of the Love Boat to end in divorce?)  This is a story that demands at least one big, explosive moment but instead, it was all surprisingly low-key.

Finally, the sprinkler system malfunctioned while the boat was in dock and the cabins of Doc, Gopher, and Isaac were flooded.  So, they move in with the Captain!  The Captain is not amused by Doc’s snoring, Gopher’s New Age chanting, or Isaac’s disco dancing.  And when Doc, Gopher, and Isaac all try to bring different women back to the cabin with them, no one is amused by that.  I’m not really sure I understand why they all had move in together.  Why couldn’t Doc just sleep in his doctor’s office and maybe Isaac and Gopher could have shared an empty passenger’s cabin during the cruise?  (Julie did mention that there were some “small” cabins available.)  Anyway, the important thing is that they all manage to survive the cruise without killing each other.

This was an uneven episode.  The Captain annoyed with everyone as funny because Gavin MacLeod was always amusing whenever he acted annoyed.  The storyline with the cheating couple was well-acted, if dramatically a bit unsatisfying.  But then you get to all the stuff about Danny and his country family.  I know that The Love Boat is not meant to be a realistic or particularly nuanced show but still, Danny’s family was portrayed as being such a bunch of hicks that I was half-expecting them to ask the Captain whether he ever worried about the boat sailing over the edge of the world.  Loni Anderson and Slim Pickens gave likable performances but Donny Osmond was incredibly bland as Danny and the scenes where he “performed” featured some truly abysmal lip-synching.  It was also a bit difficult to buy Rich Little as a swinger.  He came across like he just couldn’t wait to get back home and hang out at the Elks Lodge.

This episode probably would have been fun if it had played out over a compact 60 minutes but, at two hours, things were just stretched a bit too thin.

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Baywatch Nights 1.3 “Silent Witness”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Baywatch Nights, an detective show that ran in Syndication from 1995 to 1997.  The entire show is currently streaming on Youtube!

This week, Mitch proves that he still has much to learn about being a private investigator.

Episode 1.3 “Silent Witness”

(Dir by Richard Friedman, originally aired on October 14th, 1995)

Have you ever wondered why Mitch’s career as a private investigator didn’t last longer than just two years?

The simple answer, of course, is that Baywatch Nights did not exactly get the best ratings and the show was canceled after two seasons.  Despite the fact that Baywatch Nights is an undeniably fun show, it was undoubtedly harmed by the fact that it didn’t feature lifeguards running in slow motion.  It was a Baywatch spin-off that had little of what attracted viewers to the original show.  Personally, I would think that the presence of David Hasselhoff would be enough but apparently, audiences in the 90s disagreed.

However, in-universe, I think Mitch’s failure to stick with the detective thing is that it doesn’t appear that he was very good at it.

Consider this episode.  Hayley Cartwright (Paige Moss) is a teenage runaway who, while walking along the beach, spots a man in the ocean being pulled under the water and drowned by someone wearing a diving outfit.  The murderer emerges from the ocean and tries to grab Haley.  Haley gets away but not before the killer shouts at her to keep quiet or she’ll be next.

Mitch, who is jogging across the beach, spots a stunned and bruised Haley collapsing on the beach.  Mitch checks out her injuries and assures her that she’s okay but Haley, who is understandably scared of everyone, runs away from him.

Later, Mitch is approached by a woman (Debby Boone) who says that her name is Lorraine and that she is Haley’s daughter.  Lorraine says that she just wants her daughter to come home and she asks Mitch to help find her.  Mitch agrees and sets out to find Haley while giving Lorraine regular updates.

Here’s what Mitch does not do.  He doesn’t bother to ask for any identification from Lorraine.  He doesn’t check out Lorraine’s story before agreeing to help her.  He doesn’t stop to consider that Haley might have a reason for acting like she’s scared for her life.  And really, it would have been good if Mitch had considered all of that because guess what?  LORRAINE IS NOT HALEY’S MOTHER!  Instead, she’s working with the killers!

Fortunately, Haley’s real mother (Janet Eilber) shows up and tells Ryan and Garner that she’s looking for her daughter.  Ryan and Garner actually ask the woman for identification and the woman reveals that she not only has her driver’s license but she also brought Haley’s birth certificate!  It’s a good thing that Haley’s real mom showed up because Mitch has found Haley hiding on a fishing boat and now, he’s having to defend her from the killers!  Now, fortunately, Mitch may not be a good detective but he’s still David Hasselhoff so he is able to beat up the killers and save Haley’s life.

It’s a fairly standard episode, in that it’s not particularly memorable but the California scenery is nice to look at and it’s a show you can relax with.  That said, the episode does have a brilliant opening, in which Mitch and Garner save Destiny from some bank robbers that are menacing her in an amusement park.  This leads to a fight on a Ferris wheel and a miracle-go-round.  Destiny is nearly run over by a miniature train!  It’s a fun and over-the-top sequence, one that has next to nothing to do with the rest of the episode but it does indicate that the people involved in the show knew better than to take any of this too seriously.

Finally, Ryan gets a minor plot, in which she buys a home in Malibu, just to discover that she’s basically purchased land in a trailer park.  It was silly but it showed off Angie Harmon and David Hasselhoff’s likable and playful chemistry.  Watching the two of them together, it’s hard not to regret that Mitch wasn’t a better detective.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 4.2 “The Flying Aces/The Mermaid Returns”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986.  Almost the entire show is currently streaming is on Youtube, Daily Motion, and a few other sites.

This week, a guest star from the past returns!

Episode 4.2 “The Flying Aces/The Mermaid Returns”

(Dir by Earl Bellamy, originally aired on November 1st, 1980)

The plane is landing, bringing with it a new group of Fantasy Island guests.  As always, Tattoo steps out of the main Fantasy Island office, intent to head down to the lagoon and discover what this week’s fantasies will be.  Except …. wait a minute …. where is Mr. Roarke!?

Tattoo waits for a few minutes and then looks around.  Mr. Roarke is nowhere to be seen!  Is it possible that, after three seasons of reported acrimony between him and Herve Villechaize, Ricardo Montalban has left the Island!?  That would certainly make Tattoo happy.  Though it was a storyline that was phased out as the show became more family friendly, Tattoo did spend the first two seasons of Fantasy Island talking about how he would like to be in charge of everything.  Finally, Tattoo is in charge!  Tattoo heads down to the landing lagoon and, for once, he’s the one who declares, “Smiles, everyone, smiles!”

However, Mr. Roarke has not left the Island.  Instead, he’s been having a meeting with Nyah (Michelle Phillips), the mermaid who lives off the shore of Fantasy Island and who, during the third season, tried to tempt John Saxon to his death.  Nyah reveals to Roarke that she wants to come to Fantasy Island as a guest because she had a fantasy of her own.  Roarke informs her that, to do this, she will have to agree to be human for the weekend.  Nyah agrees and Roarke makes a fist and closes his eyes tight.  Suddenly, Nyah’s tail is replaced by legs!

Roarke then heads over to the landing lagoon, where he meets up with Tattoo.  Tattoo is shocked when Nyah stumbles off of the plane.  (So was I, as I was kind of under the assumption that the plane had already landed when Roarke had his conversation with her.)  Tattoo wonders why Nyah is struggling to walk.  Roarke explains that she’s still learning how to use her legs.  When the friendly island girls offer her a drink and a lei, Nyah rudely shake her head.  It’s not easy being human!  Roarke explains that Nyah wants to experience human love.

As for the other guest, he’s an airline pilot named Tony Chilton (Sam Melville).  Tony feels that World War II was the last time when men could truly be men and he has stated that his fantasy is to be a member of the 53rd fighting group, battling the Germans above New Zealand.  However, as Roarke quickly deduces, Tony’s actual fantasy is to meet the father he never knew.  David Chilton (Tom Wopat) was a member of the 53rd and he died in aerial combat.

Both fantasies play out pretty much the way that you probably expect that they would.  Fantasy Island was a show that understood the importance of fulfilling expectations.  For instance, you’ve probably already guessed that Nyah is going to end up announcing that she’s in love with Mr. Roarke and also that, by the end of the episode, Nyah is going to have realized that her home is in the ocean.  But Nyah’s storyline is still enjoyable because Michelle Phillips does such a good job of playing Nyah and her struggle to figure out how humans do things like walk, make small talk, and wear clothes all the time.  At first, Nyah is rude to almost everyone that she meets and I cringed a bit when Roarke disciplined her by giving her a spanking.  (Oh hi, 1980!)  But, at the same time, I could relate to Nyah because, from my childhood, I know what it’s like to constantly find yourself in a new town and a new school and having to figure out the customs of a whole new group of people.  Sometimes, it’s not easy to learn how to walk in a new place.

As for the World War II story, Tony does meet with his father and he gets to bond with him.  Awwww!  Sadly, he also learns that Roarke wasn’t kidding when he warned that history cannot be changed.  It was a simple story but it worked due to the heartfelt performances of Sam Melville and Tom Wopat.  This storyline was unabashedly sentimental and all the better for it!

All in all, this was a good trip to the Island.

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Chips 1.3 “Dog Gone”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing CHiPs, which ran on NBC from 1977 to 1983.  The entire show is currently streaming on Freevee!

This week, Baker gets a dog and Ponch makes an enemy!

Episode 1.3 “Dog Gone”

(Dir by Michael Caffey, originally aired on September 29th, 1977)

When an adorable sheepdog puppy ends up on the Los Angeles highway, Baker and Ponch manage to rescue it, though not before it causes a minor wreck on an overpass.  The official CHiP policy is that all stray animals should immediately be turned over to the shelter but Baker takes one look at the puppy and decides that he can’t just leave it with anyone else.  In fact, every member of the highway patrol quickly falls in love with the dog.

Everyone except for Sgt. Getraer, who is allergic to dogs and makes it clear that the puppy is not to be kept around the station.

At first, Baker tries to keep the dog in his apartment but it turns out that the dog likes to bark.  So, Baker heads out to the trailer park where Ponch lives in an RV and apparently spends all of his time watching football while only wearing his boxer shorts.  (One gets the feeling that Erik Estrada had an “at least one shirtless scene per episode” clause in his contract.)  Baker leaves the dog in the RV and then runs off before the half-naked Ponch can protest.

Fortunately, for Baker, Ponch decides that he loves the dog, which he named Fido.

Unfortunately, for Ponch, Fido’s owners eventually show up at the station and ask if anyone has seen their dog.  The dog — who even I, while admittedly not being a dog person, has to admit is cute — is reunited with his family and I guess Ponch is alone again.

Meanwhile, three really stupid criminals — Boots (Bill Adler), Zero (Jeffrey Druce), and Little John (James Crittenden) — are really angry with Ponch because, at the scene of the earlier accident, Ponch prevented Boots from threatening another motorist.  Boots and his friends hops into their dune buggy and decide to stalk Ponch and Baker.  Boots even decides to sabotage Ponch’s motorcycle by loosening the front bolt so that the wheel will eventually come off while Ponch is riding it.  However, these three criminals are so stupid that they sabotage the wrong motorcycle.  As a result, the entire second half of the episode is full of close-ups of Baker’s front tire wobbling as he speeds down the highway.

The subplot with the criminals is really dumb but the way it plays out shows that Larry Wilcox had a point when he complained about the show’s producers always favoring Erik Estrada.  Not only is Ponch the one who faces off against Boots at the scene of the accident but he’s also the one who gets to save Baker’s life at the end of the episode.  When a guilt-stricken Zero goes to Getraer and tells him about what Boots did to the motorcycle, it doesn’t take long for Getraer to figure out that they accidentally sabotaged Baker’s motorcycle instead of Ponch’s.  With Baker unable to hear his radio due to being involved in a high-speed chase, it falls to Ponch to chase after Baker and warn him.  The bike still crashes but Baker is not seriously injured and Ponch …. well, Ponch is just a big damn hero!

(Admittedly, there is a scene earlier in the episode where Baker performs mouth-to-mouth recitation on a motorist who has had a heart attack and saves the man’s life.  But even then, Ponch is the one pushing on the man’s chest to try to get his heart going again.  Baker’s a good cop, the show tells us, but Ponch is a big damn hero.)

This episode …. well, at least the dog was cute!  And the California scenery was lovely to look at.  Still, a cop show like this needs to have some smart or at least intimidating criminals for the cops to do battle with and Boots was such an idiot that it was hard to take anything he and his gang did seriously.  In the end, this was a typical episode of CHiPs, full of stiff acting but impressive motorcycle stunt work.  Probably the most interesting thing about this episode was discovering that Baker was the one with a swinging bachelor pad while Ponch was the one living a solitary life in a trailer park.  I’m just happy that the dog was reunited with its family.