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Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 4.11 “The Artist and the Lady/Elizabeth’s Baby”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986.  Almost the entire show is currently streaming is on Youtube, Daily Motion, and a few other sites.

Sorry for the late review!  I’m currently on Vicodin (nothing to worry about) and it set me far behind today.

Episode 4.11 “The Artist And The Lady/Elizabeth’s Baby”

(Dir by Michael Vejar, originally aired on January 17th, 1981)

This week, we have two new fantasies.  One is surprisingly sweet.  The other is about as dumb as can be.

Poor Tattoo!  Because Mr. Roarke is busy with the good fantasy this week, it largely falls on Tattoo to play host for the bad fantasy.  Kermit Dobbs (Don Most) is a nerdy art teacher who wants to be a real artist.  Before leaving to oversee the good fantasy, Roarke gives Dobbs a potion that, when Dobbs drinks it, gives him the talent of Patrick O’Herlihy (Peter Brown), a mad Irish artist who, for some reason, lives in the wilds of Fantasy Island.  What Dobbs doesn’t know that is that the potion not only gives him Patrick’s talent but it also apparently gives him the knowledge of every woman that Patrick has slept with on the island.  When Kermit paints a picture of a Deborah Dare (Michelle Pfeiffer — wait, what!?) and knows just where to place her birthmark, it leads to the men on the Island chasing Kermit into the wilderness.

It’s in the wilds that Kermit meets Patrick and they spend some time drinking and talking about art.  Eventually, Kermit gives up his claim to Patrick’s talent and he leaves the island with Deborah.  Meanwhile, all the men on the Island now want to kill Patrick so I’m not really sure that this qualifies as a good ending.

That was all really stupid, with every actor in the fantasy going overboard with their characters.  Don Most apparently went a week without shaving before appearing on this episode, in an attempt to come across as someone with an artistic soul.  It didn’t work.

The far better fantasy featured Eve Plumb as Elizabeth Blake, a woman who is pregnant and who know that she will probably die in childbirth.  Her fantasy is to have a chance to see what her daughter’s future life will be like.  Though reluctant, Mr. Roarke travels with her to three separate years in the future.  (Interestingly enough, even though they eventually end up traveling 20 years into the future, the world still looks like the 70s.)  At first, Elizabeth is happy to see that her daughter will have an apparently happy childhood but things get progressively darker until finally, Lisa Blake (Alison Arngrim) has run away from home and is working as a prostitute.  Mr. Roarke allows Elizabeth to talk to Lisa (hey!) on the condition that Elizabeth not reveal her identity.  Elizabeth is able to convince Lisa to go back home.

It’s a sweet but rather sad story.  Even as Elizabeth leaves Fantasy Island with the knowledge that she was able to help her daughter, she still leaves with the knowledge that she’s going to die in childbirth.  In the lead role, Eve Plumb is as good as Don Most was bad.

That one good fantasy is so good that it saves the episode.  That bad fantasy is so bad that it keeps this episode from being the classic that it should have been.  Such is life on Fantasy Island.

 

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: CHiPs 1.12 “Aweigh We Go”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing CHiPs, which ran on NBC from 1977 to 1983.  The entire show is currently streaming on Freevee!

This week, Ponch and Baker are ordered to make life difficult for the Teamsters!

Episode 1.12 “Aweigh We Go!”

(Dir by Ivan Nagy, originally aired on December 22nd, 1977)

No, that’s not a typo.  The name of this episode is indeed “Aweigh We Go.”  It makes sense once you watch the episode.

Things get off to a classic CHiPs start, with Baker and Ponch chasing some rich scumbag in a fancy sportscar.  The driver doesn’t think he has to slow down or pull over, even when he’s being pursued by the cops.  He’s such a reckless driver that he nearly sideswipes a station wagon that is towing a boat.  The boat gets loose and crashes into a beauty salon.  No one’s hurt but Ponch is excited when he discovers the boat’s for sale.  He starts making plans to buy the boat from its owner (Sean Morgan), a guy who is named Sven Larson for no particular reason.

Unfortunately, Ponch makes the mistake of mentioning his plans in front of Sgt. Getraer.  Getraer proceeds to buy the boat out from under him.  Ponch, needless to say, is miffed and Getraer finally agrees to co-own the boat with Baker and Ponch.

That’s not the only surprise that Getraer has up his sleeve.  Because of an officer shortage, he is forced to send Ponch and Baker to work at a weighing station for a week.  Under the sarcastic command of Capt, Vogt (played by Bruce Glover, who is best-known for playing Mr. Kidd in Live and Let Die), Baker and Ponch learn all about how to weigh trucks to make sure that they are in regulation.  Interestingly enough, the episode devoted a lot of time to showing how a weighing station works.  You could probably argue that it actually spends too much time on it.  Myself, I have family in the trucking industry so I found it interesting to see what they would have had to deal with in the 70s.  I imagine all of the nitpicky rules and regulations are probably even worse today.

Of course, there’s still time for the usual CHiPs shenanigans.  Ponch and Baker chase down and arrest a hijacker played by a rather sinister Gerald McRaney.  And they rescue a baby from a crashed car.  As usual, the emphasis is on all of the members of the Highway Patrol working together to keep the world safe for drivers.

As for the boat, it sinks the first time Ponch tries to take it out on the water.  Oh, Ponch!  Usually, I’m pretty critical of Erik Estrada’s scenery chewing performance on this show but I will admit to laughing at his rather frantic facial expression as he watched the boat sink.

This was a pleasant episode.  I stand with the truckers!

Retro Television Reviews: Miami Vice 1.20 “Nobody Lives Forever”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing Miami Vice, which ran on NBC from 1984 to 1989.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

Sorry, it’s been a busy day and I’m a little bit medicated and, as a result, this review is posting later than expected.  Fortunately, this week’s episode is also about someone struggling to keep up with their schedule.  Read on!

Episode 1.20 “Nobody Lives Forever”

(Dir by Jim Johnston, originally aired on March 29th, 1985)

Nobody lives forever, the title tells us.  That’s certainly true in 1980s Miami.

Three teenage punks have gone on a crime spree, killing innocent civilians and criminals alike.  The punks (who are played by Frank Military, Michael Carmine, and Lionel Chute) are initially easy to laugh off because of how over the top they are.  When they decide to go to the beach and rob a bookie, they start chanting, “Bookie!  Bookie!”  But, just because they’re ludicrous, that doesn’t make them any less dangerous.  From the very first scene, they’re shooting at people and laughing like maniacs.  As informant Izzy Moreno puts it, these are three guys who know that “they’re already dead.”  They’ve got both the police and the mob (represented by Peter Friedman and a young Giancarlo Esposito) after them.  They might as well go out in a blaze of glory.

What else would you expect from three people who drive this car?

Vice is after the teenagers but, for once, Sonny Crockett has got other things on his mind.  Sonny is dating a wealthy architect named Brenda (Kim Greist) and he’s spending all of his free time at her mansion.  Even when he’s working the streets, Sonny is thinking about Brenda.  He misses a chance to capture the three teens because he is too busy talking to Brenda on the phone.  Later, Tubbs gets severely beaten up because Brenda allowed Sonny to oversleep and Tubbs had to go on a stakeout alone.

Brenda asks Sonny if it’s true that a cop partnership is like a marriage and this episode certainly suggests it is and an obsessive one at that.  All of the members of the Vice Squad get annoyed with Sonny for finding happiness off the grubby streets of Miami.  Castillo doesn’t think Sonny is focused.  Tubbs thinks that Sonny is losing his edge.  Gina is upset that Sonny led her on earlier in the season.  Switek and Zito …. well, they’re too busy reading comic books to really care much about Sonny’s problems.

There are several artfully composed shots of Sonny and Brenda floating in her pool and discussing how Sonny can go from having a gun pulled on him to relaxing at home without missing a beat.  Don Johnson and Kim Greist had a lot of chemistry and it’s impossible not to feel bad when Sonny realizes that he can either be Brenda’s lover or he can be a cop but he can’t be both.

In the end, the punks end up getting gunned down by Vice and Sonny ends the best relationship he’s ever had.  And Tubbs?  He sits on the beach and plays his saxophone.

That’s life in Miami.

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Degrassi Junior High 2.5 “Stage Fright”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Sunday, I will be reviewing the Canadian series, Degrassi Junior High, which aired on CBC and PBS from 1987 to 1989!  The series can be streamed on YouTube!

After spending the half of season 2 in the background, Caitlin takes center stage in this week’s episode.

Episode 2.5 “Stage Fright” 

(Dir by John Bertram, originally aired on February 1st, 1988)

Caitlin (Stacie Mistysyn), who is destined to become a major figure in the Degrassi franchise, finally gets a season 2 spotlight episode.  As the episode starts, she is undergoing a round of scary brain scans as the result of having had a seizure during the break.  The result of those scans is that Caitlin is diagnosed as being epileptic and is put on medication to control the seizures.

The problem, of course, is that Caitlin has to take the medicine three times a day and that includes at school.  Caitlin doesn’t want to take her medicine at school, especially when one of her classmates is the gossipy and judgmental Kathleen (played by Rebecca Haines).  It’s hard enough with her parents constantly worrying about her without having to deal with what all of her classmates are going to think.

So, Caitlyn doesn’t tell anyone that she has epilipsey.  And when she goes to Susie’s latest sleepover, Caitlyn doesn’t take her medicine with her.  (You know where this is going, right?)  Caitlin has a seizure in front of everyone, including Kathleen!

Now, not only does Kathleen know that Caitlin is epileptic but Kathleen has also been cast as the lead in the school play, with Caitlin playing a supporting role.  At first, Caitlin says she won’t do the play but Susie points out that Caitlin is just saying that because she’s jealous of Kathleen getting the lead role.  Plus, Rick Munro (Craig Driscoll, getting his first major season 2 storyline) is there to tell Kathleen to shut up when Kathleen starts to talk about snidely about Caitlin’s seizure.  Go Rick!

While this is going on, poor Michelle (Maureen McKay) struggles with her natural shyness when she’s assigned to give a speech in class.  Joey is a real jerk to her in this episode.  Bad Joey!  The grown-up Joey from Degrassi: The Next Generation would really hate teenage Joey.  Fortunately, Michelle eventually does what every shy person does when they have to give a speech.  She opens with a joke.  By the end of class, Joey is begging her to help him write his speech.

Oh, I could relate to this episode on so many levels.  First off, like Michelle, I know what it’s like to be shy.  (Unlike Michelle, I deal with being shy by talking so much that there isn’t any time for any awkward silences.)  As for Caitlin’s storyline, I am not epileptic but I’ve been diagnosed with enough things that I do know what it’s like to have a well-meaning parent driving you crazy by asking a hundred questions about how you’re feeling and whether you’re taking your meds.  That said, what really made me relate to Cailtin is the fact that I have asthma and, in high school, I always dreaded the idea of 1) having an asthma attack in front of everyone and 2) having to use my inhaler while everyone stared at me.  Even worse were the times I would realize that I had left my inhaler at home and I would spend so much time worrying about it that I would almost give myself an attack from stress.  I would always end up calling my mom or one of my sisters and begging them to bring me my inhaler.  Of course, I would also have to find a way to sneak out of the building so that they could give me the inhaler without it becoming a big scene….

(In retrospect, I think I may have made things a bit more complicated in high school than they needed to be.)

My point is, this was a good episode that dealt honestly and nonjudgmentally with issues that all teenagers throughout history have had to deal with.  This episode was Degrassi at its best.

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Check it Out 1.16 “Dog Day After Dark”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Saturdays, I will be reviewing the Canadian sitcom, Check it Out, which ran in syndication from 1985 to 1988.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

I’ve had a busy day and I’m running behind because I’ve been doing totally responsible stuff and not because I’ve been watching trashy talk shows.  Definitely not!  Anyway, this review is a little late.  That said, when you’re reviewing an obscure Canadian sitcom from the 80s, you can probably be as late as you want.

Episode 1.16 “Dog Day After Dark”

(Dir by John Bell, originally aired on February 1st, 1986)

Howard is super excited because not only is his birthday coming up but he’s also got a side hustle.  He’s appearing in commercials for Cobb’s, dressed in a giant cheeseball costume and encourage everyone to buy the store brand cheese.  When a group of protestors shows up at the store to protest just how unhealthy the Cobb’s cheeseballs are, Howard orders them kicked out.  Their leader, wealthy hamburger restaurant heiress Sonja (Sheila McCarthy), vows to return and to make sure that all of Canada knows how unhealthy their diet truly is.

(Violent and wealthy vegans who want to control everyone’s lives?  Check It Out! may be a silly sitcom but it still managed to predict our silly sitcom future.)

Meanwhile, Edna is busy trying to put together an after-hours surprise party for Howard in the breakroom.  (Check It Out! has never been that consistent when it comes to portraying the staff’s feelings towards Howard.  There are some episodes where Howard is a jerk and everyone dislikes him.  However, in this episode, they all love him and can’t wait to celebrate with him.)  Edna tells security guard Alf to distract Howard while she gets things set up.  Unfortunately, Alf is so busy telling Howard about his cat that he’s not at his post when Sonja and her followers show up and take everyone hostage.

In some scenarios, this could lead to a Die Hard situation, with Howard taking on the role for John McClane.  And, indeed, that would be kind of fun.  But this is Check It Out!, one of the most Canadian sitcoms of all time.  So, everyone decides to celebrate Howard’s birthday even though they’re being held hostage, the terrorists are more goofy than dangerous, and, as the police and media rush into the store, Howard ends up eating one of the cheeseballs and getting sick on Canadian television.

(Despite being a very Canadian show, Check It Out! usually tried to obscure what country the show was actually set in so that it would have a better chance of finding an audience in the U.S.A.  That said, it’s hard not to notice that all of the vegan terrorists have French names.)

This was a pretty silly episode bit it was hard not to appreciate the goofiness of it all.  It was dumb but it was also light-hearted and good-natured, as the better episodes of this show tend to be.

Lisa Marie’s Week In Television: 1/21/24 — 1/27/24

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Here’s some thoughts on what I watched this week!

Acting Sheriff (YouTube)

I wrote about Acting Sheriff here!

The Bachelor (Monday Night, ABC)

A new season of The Bachelor started this week.  After skipping the previous few installments of this franchise, I did watch the first episode of the latest season.  The new bachelor is kind of dull but I enjoyed seeing the mansion and all of the clothes.  Jesse is kind of a boring host.  The Bachelor hasn’t been fun since Chris Harrison was fired for upsetting the online horde.

Baywatch Nights (YouTube)

I wrote about Baywatch Nights here!

Check It Out (Tubi)

My review of Check It Out may be an hour or two late this week.  It’s been a busy day.

CHiPs (Freevee)

I wrote about CHiPs here!

Couples Court With The Cutlers (YouTube)

On Sunday, I watched an episode in which the Cutlers talked to a woman who was accused of cheating on her fiancée with her husband.  What?  Yes, it was confusing and silly and the fact that the fiancée had a high-pitched, cartoon character voice did not help matters.  This was one of those episodes where they brought in the “voice analysist” to determine who was lying.  Considering that everyone on the show had a terrible voice, I did not envy the analysist.  That said, I also have a hard time understanding how voice analysis can be used in the place of a polygraph.  Anyway, no one was cheating according to their voices.

I followed this up with an episode in which a husband accused his wife of cheating because of muddy footprints that he found in his home.  The wife was not cheating and the husband was a bit of a paranoid freak.

Later, I watched an episode in which a man felt that his wife was cheating on him because she was no longer wearing sexy underwear around him, despite the fact that he kept finding brand new thongs in the laundry.  The lie detector indicated that she was indeed cheating.  The wife, at one point, said that she felt like she was “starring in a romantic comedy with Will Smith.”

Then, tonight, I watched an episode in which a woman thought her much older husband was cheating on her with her best friend because she found her friend in their bed.  Fortunately, it turned out that the husband was faithful and the best friend was just a blackout drunk.

Degrassi Junior High (YouTube)

I wrote about Degrassi Junior High here!

Extended Family (Tuesday Night, NBC)

I had no interest in watching this show but I was watching Peacock on Wednesday night and I was too lazy to switch to another streaming service when the show automatically started.  Jon Cryer plays a divorced father in Boston who is still friends with his ex-wife and her new fiancé.  Why is everything always set in Boston?  Seriously, who care about freaking Boston?

Anyway, I was so lazy that I ended up watching the first two episodes and they were both pretty dire.  The “created by Mike O’Malley” credit card explained why.  Cryer, our beloved Duckie, is even more pathetic here than he was as wimpy Alan on Two and a Half Men.  (Disclaimer: I think I’ve seen like five episodes of Two and A Half Men, maybe six.)  It’s sad to think that NBC has gone from The Office to Night Court/Extended Family.

Fantasy Island (YouTube)

I wrote about Fantasy Island here!

Friday the 13th (YouTube)

I wrote about Friday the 13th here!

Hell’s Kitchen (Thursday Night, Fox)

I was so happy Ryan won!  This was one of Hell’s Kitchen’s best seasons.  While Big Brother, Survivor, and even The Amazing Race have struggled to remain relevant in our new, post-COVID age, Hell’s Kitchen succeeds by not messing with what works.

Highway to Heaven (Tubi)

I wrote about Highway to Heaven here!

Judge Dad (YouTube)

I watched two episodes of this courtroom show on Monday.  The very slow-talking judge heard a case about a woman who wanted another woman to pay for her $900 Prada dress.  The second case involved a woman who felt that her ex owed her some sort of compensation for giving her COVID.  The second case bothered me because the judge’s ruling didn’t seem to follow any sort of legal precedent.  I then noticed a disclaimer that stated that 1) Judge Dad was not a legal expert but just some guy making his own decisions and 2) the litigants were actors and the cases were all fictional.

On Tuesday, I watched an episode in which a tenant sued her landlord for setting up spy cameras in her apartment and “recording me in my lingerie.”  Judge Dad was particularly upset by this case.  “I feel like you are my daughter!” he thundered, “You must make better decision about where you live!”  The landlord was really, really sleazy and disgusting but again, the whole thing was fictional so …. yeah.

Judge Mom (YouTube)

On Wednesday, I watched an episode of Judge Dad‘s companion series, Judge Mom.  A young comic book artist accused an older artist of stealing his ideas.  Judge Mom found in favor of the younger artist.  Just as with Judge Dad, the episode ended with a disclaimed that “Judge Mom is not a legal expert” and the case was fictional.  The acting on Judge Mom was far less convincing than the acting on Judge Dad.

It was just bad enough that I had to watch a second episode.  This one featured a set of parents suing a little league team for “firing” their son from the team.  Judge Mom was offended by how petty all of the adults were.  Little league is supposed to be about the kids!  You tell ’em, Judge Mom!

The Love Boat (Paramount Plus)

I wrote about The Love Boat here!

Miami Vice (Tubi)

I wrote about Miami Vice here!

Monsters (Tubi)

I wrote about Monsters here!

Night Court (Tuesday Night, NBC)

It’s weird.  This is a badly conceived show that rarely even makes me smile and yet it’s something that I find myself watching on Peacock whenever I’m bored and I don’t have time to watch anything that runs longer than 21 minutes.  I don’t know why this is, because I really don’t care much for the show and it’s only gotten worse in its second season.  I think the problem is that Abby Stone is way too naive to be a judge and her nonstop enthusiasm can be a bit hard to take.  For instance, this week’s episode featured her still trying to get over breaking up with her boyfriend and obsessing over her inability to get a date.  That story had comedic potential but seriously, Abby’s a judge.  IN NEW YORK CITY!  Toughen up!

Paternity Court (YouTube)

I watched an episode on Monday.  Fortunately, the former army officer who had just returned from deployment was the father.

T and T (Tubi)

I wrote about T and T here!

Welcome Back, Kotter (Tubi)

I wrote about Welcome Back, Kotter here!

Retro Television Reviews: Welcome Back, Kotter 3.7 “The Deprogramming of Arnold Horshack”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Welcome Back Kotter, which ran on ABC  from 1975 to 1979.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

To the shock of no one, Horshack joins a cult.

Episode 3.7 “The Deprogramming of Arnold Horshack”

(Dir by Bob Claver, originally aired on October 13th, 1977)

At the apartment, Julie thanks Gabe for not telling her any stories about his family.  Gabe responds by telling her about his Cousin Lester, who was really dumb and drove a train.

But enough jokes!  There are serious issues afoot at Buchanan High!  Horshack has not been coming to class and the Sweathogs have not seen him around.  Gabe suggests that the problem might be that the other Sweathogs are always making fun of Arnold.  However, Horshack proves Gabe wrong by showing up for class in a sarong and carrying flowers and a tambourine.

Arnold Horshack is now a follower of  the mystic Baa Baa Bee Bee and he requests to be called by his new name, Abdul Kareem Hassan.  (I assume that Horshack is meant to be a Hare Krishna but the name of Horshack’s new cult is never actually mentioned on the show.)  At first, everyone is amused but when Hassan announces that he is going to drops out of school and follow Baa Bee around the world, the Sweathogs drag him into the boy’s bathroom and attempt to deprogram him through physical intimidation.  When Gabe catches them, he tells them that this is Horshack’s decision to make.  He does this despite having earlier gotten a rather desperate visit, at the apartment, from Horshack’s mother (played by Ellen Travolta, John’s older sister who did a passable imitation of Horshack’s signature laugh.).

(Julie, while talking to Gabe about Horshacks, mentions that she joined a cult in Nebraska but was asked to leave.  Is anyone surprised?)

At school, Abdul Kareem Hassan says his farewells and he leaves.  But, a few minutes later, he returns as Arnold Horshack and says that he’s changed his mind.  And I guess that’s the end of that.

This episode is the type of thing that the first season of the show would have handled really well.  The first season was all about the Sweathogs trying to figure out what they wanted from life and Gabe encouraging them to explore what they believed and what they wanted.  If this occurred during the first season, Gabe would have seriously talked to Horshack about why he felt like he had to join a cult to find acceptance.  Unfortunately, by the time the third season rolled around, the show and the characters had gotten a bit too cartoonish for an episode like this to have any resonance beyond, “Look at Horshack carrying a tambourine!”  The whole thing is just gets to be too silly for its own good, which is quite a statement when you consider how silly Welcome Back, Kotter was on a normal basis.

I understand that cults were a big concern in the 70s.  They’re a big concern now.  Unfortunately, this episode really only worked when Gabe was talking about his Cousin Lester.

 

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Friday the 13th: The Series 1.16 “Tattoo”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing Friday the 13th, a show which ran in syndication from 1987 to 1990. The show can be found on YouTube!

This week, a pair of tattoo needles cause trouble!

Episode 1.16 “Tattoo”

(Dir by Lyndon Chubbuck, originally aired on March 7th, 1988)

Tommy Chen (Leonard Chow) is a first generation Chinese-American who has a gambling problem.  He owes several thousand dollars to the local gangsters and his grandfather, Lum Chen (Keye Luke), is no longer willing to help cover his costs.

However, Tommy thinks that he’s found the perfect solution for his problems.  He has two cursed tattoo needles.  All he has to do is tattoo something on someone’s body.  That tattoo will come to life and, as long as the tattooed person dies, Tommy will win whatever game that he’s playing.  With a gangster demanding that he pay his debts by the end of the night, Tommy is going from gambling den to gambling den, drawing tattoos and making money.  Unfortunately, he owes so much that almost every dollar that he makes is taken away from him as soon as he receives it.

And, of course, he also has Ryan, Micki, and Jack trying to track him down as well.

I had mixed feelings about this episode.  On the one hand, the tattoo needles are a totally impractical weapon because Tommy, who is a little bit on the small side, has to find a way to get his victims to lie still and not resist while he tattoos him.  His first victim is a half-conscious woman at an Opium den and that’s at least believable.  But, by the time Tommy is tattooing a gangster, you have to wonder if there isn’t a more practical way for him to make money.

On the other hand, the sight of the tattoos coming to life and crawling (or slithering) up their victims is definitely a frightening one.  One tattoo turns into a giant spider.  Another turns into a coral snake.  One tattoo turns into a fist that bursts out of someone’s chest.  (That made me jump.)  The needles may be impractical but if you have a thing about spiders and snakes (as I do), it really won’t matter.  They’re too frightening for the viewer to spend too much time worrying about the logic of how they actually work.

Fortunately, Ryan and Jack are able to recover the needles and use them to kill the latest tattoo before it can claim a victim.  Unfortunately for Tommy, he’s playing Russian roulette at the time.  Even more unfortunately for Micki, she’s standing close enough to get splattered by blood when Tommy’s gun turns out to have a bullet in the chamber.  I have to admit that I’ve never gotten the appeal of Russian roulette.  I’ve always assumed it must be a guy thing.  Myself, I see the gun being traded back and forth and I say, “Yikes!”

Next week, a cursed electric chair falls into the hands of a dentist …. AGCK!

Retro Television Reviews: T and T 2.14 “The Contender”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing T. and T., a Canadian show which ran in syndication from 1987 to 1990.  The show can be found on Tubi!

This week, T.S Turner returns to the ring!

Episode 2.14 “The Contender”

(Dir by Alan Simmonds, originally aired on February 13th, 1989)

T.S. Turner meets Kevin Hart!

No, not that Kevin Hart.

Instead, the Kevin Hart in this show is a boxer and he’s played by an actor named Phillip Jarrett.  (Kevin Hart, I immediately, noticed was very handsome for someone who made his living getting punched in the face by professionals.  I checked with the imdb and I was not surprised to learn that Phillip Jarrett was a model before he went into acting.)  Kevin Hart is a contender for the championship but his trainer has vanished.  With the big fight coming up, Hart’s manager asks T.S. Turner to train him for the fight.

Kevin Hart turns out to be a boxer with an attitude.  He shows up at Decker’s Gym with his entourage and is miffed to discover that Turner is running late.  “What does T.S. stand for?” Hart demands to know, “Too Stupid?”

“Temporarily Sorry,” Turner says as he steps into the gym.

“Temporarily?”

“Yeah,” Turner growls, “I was sorry but now I’m not.”

Turner works hard to train Hart.  Or, at least, it appears that he works hard.  For the most part, we just see a montage of Hart doing physical stuff while Turner yells at him.  Despite Turner’s efforts, Hart doesn’t even seem to care about the fight.  He does care when someone takes a shot at him in the gym.  Pressured by Turner, Hart finally confesses that he agreed to take a dive.  He also says that all of his other fights were fixed as well.  That’s why his former trainer ran away.  He didn’t want to be involved with a boxer who was owned by the Canadian Mafia.

Turner doesn’t have any time for that attitude.  He tells Hart that he has the talent to win the fight on his own.  He also tells Hart that it’s time to fight like a man and win.  Inspired by Turner’s words, Hart does just that.  By the end of the show, Hart is the champ.  I imagine he’s got the mob after him now but oh well.  I mean, Sonny Liston reportedly upset the mob and he still managed to live a full and exciting life until his mysterious death at the age of 40.  So, I’m sure boxing’s Kevin Hart will be fine and maybe, some day, he’ll change his mind about hosting the Oscars.

The way to make watching this episode entertaining is to pretend that Mr. T was playing Clubber Lang and not T.S Turner.  Apparently, in an early draft of his script for Rocky Balboa, Sylvester Stallone wrote a scene in which it would be revealed the Lang changed his ways and became a preacher after losing his rematch with Rocky.  So, this episode of T and T — and really, the entire series — works best as Clubber Lang fan fiction.  As Rocky said at the end of Rocky IV, “Everybody can change!”

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Highway to Heaven 1.18 “A Child of God”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Highway to Heaven, which aired on NBC from 1984 to 1989.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi and several other services!

For this week’s rather sad episode, Jonathan confronts a reverend who has lost his way.

Episode 1.18 “A Child of God”

(Dir by Michael Landon, originally aired on February 6th, 1985)

After spending years away, Marsha Stearns (Coleen Maloney) has returned home.  She wants her parents, Sarah Stearns (Patricia Smith) and Rev. David Stearns (William Window), to take care of her young daughter, Amy (Natalie Gregory).  The Reverend Stearns wants nothing to do with Marsha or his granddaughter because Amy was born out of wedlock.  He considers Marsha to be an embarrassment to his church and a sinner who cannot be forgiven.

(Yikes!  It looks like Rev. Stearns kind of missed all of the important stuff dealing with forgiveness.  “Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven.”  That’s Luke 6:37.)

What neither the Reverend nor his wife knows is that Marsha is terminally ill and only has a few weeks to live.  However, Marsha’s new neighbor — Jonathan Smith — does know and he confronts the Reverend and rather forcefully denounces him until Reverend Stearns forgives her daughter and visits her in the hospital right before she dies.

This was a pretty sad episode and it did bring some tears to my eyes, largely because it made me think about my mom.  That said, the most interesting thing about this episode was how angry Jonathan got at Reverend Stearns and his unforgiving attitude.  For the past 17 episodes, Jonathan has been a mellow and peaceful angel who has always recognized that everyone has some good in them.  But in this episode, when he confronts the Reverend, there is no way not to notice that Jonathan is truly pissed off.  For once, Jonathan doesn’t even hide the fact that he’s an angel.  He wants Rev. Stearns to know that he’s in trouble with Jonathan’s boss.  And really, it makes sense.  Why wouldn’t Jonathan be especially angry at a reverend who is failing in his duties?  He and Jonathan both work for the same company and Jonathan obviously sees the Reverend’s attitude as being a personal insult.  Jonathan is working hard and Rev. Stearns is screwing everything up.

Rev. Stearns does learn his lesson and embraces humility, though that doesn’t make up for all of the years that he refused to even acknowledge his granddaughter’s existence.  The episode ends with him giving a rather lengthy sermon, in which he suggests that maybe he got to hung up on the whole idea of condemning sin when he should have been focusing on loving everyone.  It’s a bit of a dull ending.  William Windom has the right look for the role but, whenever he has to pretend to preach, he comes across as being a bit dry and stiff.  Fortunately, Coleen Maloney is much more convincing and poignant as his estranged daughter.

Next week …. Scotty returns!