So, I’ve recently discovered an old show calledFreaks and Geekswhich, despite only actually airing for one season over ten years ago, appears to be popping up everywhere in syndicated reruns. Freaks and Geeks was about high school students in the early 80s and basically starred a bunch of people who later went on to become famous — Seth Rogen, James Segal, and James Franco (!!!!) all got their start on this show.
Anyway, today’s scene that I love comes from an episode of Freaks and Geeks and features not only a very fit Jason Segal disco dancing but a nicely disheveled James Franco playing a rpg as well. Seriously, this whole sequence is just too adorable for words.
My mind is a little bit jumbled as I sit down to review episode 9 of Game of Thrones. As I’ve always been quick to admit, I’m not sports fan and, to be honest, I find most sporting events to be 1) tedious, 2) confusing, or 3) both. So, there’s a lot of I don’t understand about the game between the Mavericks and the Heat tonight but I do understand that my city’s team won and YAY! for that. Right now, there’s a huge party going on in downtown Dallas and, if it were just two years earlier, I would probably be down there, drinking too much, dancing in the middle of the street, flashing my boobs at passing cameras, and basically having a grand old Mardi Gras.
However, I’ve grown up a lot in the past few years and that’s why, instead of partying downtown, I instead observed the Mavs victory by going to the beloved DVR and playing the latest episode of Game of Thrones.
So, if you’re totally unfamiliar with the George R. R. Martin books, tonight’s “twist” was undoubtedly the shock of the television season. The folks at Entertainment Weekly have already declared it to be so. Now, if you’ve read the books or, if like me, you’ve only read an outline of them, then you already knew what fate lay in store for Nedd. Still, I think HBO should be commended for actually going through with it. It’s one thing to kill off a major character in a work of literature. It’s another to kill off the star of your show.
So, tonight’s episode began with Nedd chained up in a dungeon and ended up with him being beheaded while his terrified daughters watched. Nedd was executed despite the fact that, in order to protect his daughter, he’d just announced that Joffrey was the rightful heir to the throne. And Joffrey repaid him by ordering his execution. So, if you didn’t hate Joffrey before…well, why didn’t you? I mean, seriously, not only has he been a consistent asshole (at least as far as the TV series goes, I understand that all the characters are a bit more nuanced in the books) but he still looks like Justin Beiber possessed by Pazuzu. But anyway, if you had any wonders about the type of king Joffrey will be, those doubts were answered tonight.
A lot of viewers (like me) have commented that, in the first few episodes, Nedd came across as well-meaning but largely ineffectual and a little bit dull. We knew that he’d have his moment at some point because he was played by Sean Bean. But, far too often, it seemed like Sean Bean would be forever overshadowed by the more flamboyant characters played by Peter Dinklage, Aiden Gillen, and others. Well, tonight, Sean Bean finally got his chance to shine and, as a result, viewers who had been casually dismissive of Nedd Stark will now be forced to look at him in a different light. Whether it was the defiance he showed at the opening of the episode or the doomed dignity with which he faced his fate, Nedd was suddenly revealed as perhaps one of the strongest characters among this epic’s large cast. And Bean proved himself to be exactly the right actor to portray that strength.
This episode was clearly dominated by Nedd’s death but here’s a few other points:
1) I don’t know whether this was intentional or maybe it’s just my Catholic background coming out on Pentecost Sunday but Nedd’s execution — with the rabid crowd calling for his blood — had a definite “Give us Barabas!” passion play feel to it. The execution itself, I felt, was quite well-directed and seemed to be meant to remind us of Nedd putting down the dire wolf earlier in the season.
2) Peter Dinklage had a host of good scenes as Tyrion tonight. Dinklage plays the role with just the right mix of duty and cynicism. The brilliance of his performance, I think, is that he doesn’t go overboard with either trait. It’s that perfect balance that makes Tyrion such a consistently interesting character. As well, I loved his scenes with Charles Dance and Sibel Kekilli (playing the character of Shae). Dinklage is one of those actors who seems to bring out the best of those appearing opposite him as well.
3) This episode’s other main plotline seemed to be Drogo’s sudden illness and the bloody approach the was taken to cure him. The blood didn’t really surprise me because, quite frankly, it seems like anyone within the vicinity of Drogo is going to end up getting splattered with blood every other day. Still, I like Drogo and it goes beyond the undeniable sex appeal of a big, strong man who takes what he wants. He and Danys have probably one of the most genuine relationships on this show. Then, to top it all off, Danys goes into labor.
So, next week brings us the season finale of Game of Thrones. I’ve enjoyed discovering this new world over the past two months and I’ve enjoyed losing my Game of Thrones virginity here online with the readers of this site. I can’t tell you what’s going to happen on episode 10 but I can tell you that I picked up a copy of George R. R. Martin’s novel earlier on Saturday and I plan to read it over the summer. I look forward to discovering what the television series left out and also to preparing myself for season two of HBO’s Game of Thrones.
So, we’re passed the halfway point now in the first season of Game of Thrones. After spending the first half of the season setting up the show’s many characters, it’s obvious that the first season is now moving towards its inetivable conclusion. Not having read the book that this season is based on, I have no idea what that conclusion might be, though I suspect it’s going to be a violent one that’s going to leave a lot of the characters I’ve just gotten to know dead. To a certain extent, I’m happy that I don’t know what’s coming up. It allows me the thrill of discovery, if nothing else.
So, in tonight’s episode, there were two major events. One of those events was kinda cool and fun and contained everything that you would both expect and want to see from a show like this. The other event came at the end of this episode and was horrific, disturbing, excessive, and yet undeniably effective and watchable. (And it was topped off by one of the best lines ever uttered on television.) This event also gave this episode its name.
Let’s go in chronological order. The cool, fun event involved — no surprise — Tyrion. To be honest, I don’t pay much attention to or have much respect for the Emmy awards but seriously, if Peter Dinklage doesn’t get an Emmy for his work on this series then there is no justice. Accused of trying to kill Bran and facing the judgment of the wonderfully insane court of Lysa Arryn, Tyrion spends most of this episode cheating death and Dinklage brought exactly the right combination of arrogance and desperation to his performance tonight. Hopefully, if Dinklage gets his deserved Emmy nomination, they’ll show a clip of his “confession” from this episode. (Though I have to say that I am continually astounded and amazed by the sheer number of ways that boys have come up with to avoid saying “masturbate.”)
Tyrion demanded a trial by combat which led to a fight between one of Lysa’s painfully noble knights and Tyrion’s “champion,” Bronn. And, unlike most television (and move) sword fights, this fight actually felt real. Watching the two warriors, you felt as if they were actually fighting. It reminded me of the that episode of The Sopranos where you literally saw James Gandolfini beat Joe Pantoliano to death. It felt real and, for me, the sight of all that blood pouring out over that formerly pristine armor is one that I won’t get out of my head any time soon.
After the fight, Lysa accuses Bronn of fighting without honor, to which Bronn perfectly replied (while staring down at the corpse of his opponent), “No. He did.” And you know what? On the basis of that line alone, Bronn is now my fourth favorite character.
(By the way, I was reading another blogger who joked that Lysa’s legal system made more sense than the “ones they’ve got in Alabama or Texas.” And to that, I say “Fuck you, you goddamn elitist wanna-be Canadian Yankee asshole.”)
My favorite character — Daenrys — got to deliver a pretty great line herself and I’m not going to repeat it because, with my ADD-addled mind, I’ll probably end up misquoting her. However, anyone who saw tonight’s episode, knows what line I’m talking about. For me, Dany remains the most intriguing character on this show and the one who consistently manages to surprise me every episode. Tonight, her surprise was calmly watching as her annoying weakling of a brother Viserys get killed in such a grotesque and horrific fashion that you couldn’t help but feel a little sympathy for him.
That’s right, Viserys got his crown. Or, more to the point, Drogo pours molten gold on top of Viserys head and Viserys dies. And even though I was suspecting that Viserys would die, the brutality of it caught me off guard. To continue with my Sopranos comparison, the sight of Viserys afterward was just as shocking, to me, as the sight of Joe Pantoliano’s dead eyes staring up at the man who just literally beat the life out of him. Seriously, I couldn’t stand Viserys and all but now I’m kinda scared of accidentally getting trapped underneath a gigantic — but cracked — cauldron of molten gold.
Among the other memorable moments from tonight’s episode, Bran’s encounter in the woods nicely reminded us — as did this whole episode, really — that the world of Game of Thrones isn’t necessarily a pleasant one. I also continue to cringe whenever that creepy little Joffrey shows up. Seriously, I keep expecting him to start trying to drag people off to the cornfield or something.
I do have to say that I’m still waiting for Ned to really step up and impress me as a character. So far, he’s been a sympathetic but vaguely dull character. You watch him and you never doubt his good intentions but you do doubt his ability to actually accomplish anything. Sean Bean is a far more capable actor than he’s been allowed to show in the series so far and I’m betting (and hoping) that by the end of the season, Bean will get a chance to shine.
That said, I did enjoy the small subplot of Ned running the kingdom because (along with Lysa’s court), it further highlighted one of the reasons why I love this show. Every episode so far has featured various characters plotting and scheming and, in every episode so far, those plots and schemes have proven to be no match for the random whims of fate. If nothing else, Game of Thrones is turning out to be a great portrait of a society that has fooled itself into thinking that the randomness of life can somehow be regulated by tradition, ritual, and law. And who, out here in the real world, can’t relate to that?
As I’ve mentioned, I’m a newcomer to Game of Thrones. I have not read the George R. R. Martin novel that the series is based on (though I have read countless Wikipedia entries about every man, woman, and child to appear in the series) and therefore, I can’t judge how the TV series compares to the book. All I can say is that, having seen the first 6 episodes. Game of Thrones has so far managed to not only capture my interest but to hold on to it as well. I do have to admit that, during every episode. there’s been the occasional moments where I’ve had to think to myself, “Wait, who is that again and how is he or she related to everyone else?” But that’s hardly a criticism. Game of Thrones is a complex series and one of the few that will definitely benefit from multiple viewings once the first season is released on DVD. In the future, we may very well remember Game of Thrones as being The Wire of fantasy television.
Last night, I watched on old movie on the Lifetime Movie Network. The name of that movie? Mother, May I Sleep With Danger?
Why Was I Watching It?
Mother, May I Sleep With Danger? pops up on the Lifetime Movie Network like constantly and it’s always advertised as “the cult classic: Mother, May I Sleep With Danger?” Now, to be honest, the entire Lifetime Movie Network is something of a cult classic but Mother, May I Sleep With Danger is the only film shown on that network that is actually advertised as being “a cult classic.” I mean, even something like Confessions of a Go Go Girl is usually advertised as if it’s a perfectly normal, totally serious movie. Therefore, I figured, if even Lifetime realizes that Mother, May I Sleep With Danger? is a cult film then it must be the most culty cult film ever made.
Plus, just from the title, I think I was justified in assuming that at some point, someone would be heard to utter the line, “Mother, may I sleep with danger?” In fact, beyond the whole cult film thing, that was actually my main reason for watching the movie. I wanted to hear that line so I could clap my hands and yell, “We have a title!”
Seriously, I was really looking forward to that.
What’s It About?
Laurel (played by Tori Spelling, who looks like a Modigliani painting in this film) is a college student who has an overprotective mother (Lisa Banes, who has a great first name) and who is recovering from an eating disorder. Anyway, Laurel is also a competitive runner and she’s got a chance to go study abroad in China. However, she also has a really possessive boyfriend named Kevin (played by an actor named Ivan Sergei) and soon Kevin is running her life. Obviously, he’s dangerous and Laurel’s mother soon starts to dislike him. Laurel gets mad at her mom before even asking if she can sleep with danger. Anyway, Kevin eventually ends up locking Laurel up in a cabin that has 8 cross-shaped windows but ony one door.
What Worked?
The genius of this film was that nothing worked. Absolutely nothing. Here’s just a few of the more memorable lines from the film:
“Sex, mother! The word is sex! Sex!”
“You will protect me from everyone and anything now, right? (giggle) Bye!”
“When I don’t see you, I bleed to death.”
“You don’t want me to climb a tower with a gun, do you?”
“I just never learned to trust love.”
“It’s gonna to take the type of time that breaks down mountains.”
And my personal favorite:
“If you’re lying to me, I’ll know by the way you make love to me.” (And let me just say, boys — nothing gets my panties on the floor quicker than hearing something like that. Seriously, the idea of using fucking as a lie detector is one that needs to be explored. It would certainly make daytime television more interesting.)
As the psycho boyfriend, Ivan Sergei gives a performance that would seem to indicate that somebody held a gun to his head and yelled, “ACT! NOW!” I mean, seriously, I’ve dated a few guys who, in retrospect, I shouldn’t have, but even silly, little naive me knows that if a guy can’t stop twitching and stammers nervously whenever you ask him about his past, chances are that the guy has some issues. Watching Sergei’s performance here, you ask yourself, “What type of stupid moron would actually go out with this loser?”
Then you remember that this film stars Tori Spelling. As I mentioned earlier, Tori does not look her best in this film but oh my God, I don’t even know where to begin. I mean, I don’t want to be all catty here but seriously — when your head is that much bigger than the rest of your body, you’ve got some issues.
When we first see Tori, she’s debating Daisy Miller with a college professor and, amazingly enough, her comments about Daisy Miller’s fate manages to neatly parallel what happens in the movie. It’s amazing how that happens. Anyway, once English class is finished, Tori goes running across campus in the most horrid combination of black running capris and purple sports bra ever. Now, I have to admit that I started running a few months ago. It helps with my asthma and it’s something that I’ve grown to really enjoy but I always feel a little insecure while running because I’m also something of a klutz. However, seeing Tori Spelling — with her gigantic head and her stick-like body — running around in that tacky purple outfit with her chicken-like arms and spindly legs flying all over the place, it filled me with all sorts of confidence. From now on, if I feel insecure, I’ll be able to say, “At least I don’t look like Tori Spelling in Mother, May I Sleep With Danger.”
The mother of the title is played by Lisa Banes. Her best moment comes when she finds out that Tori is planning on spending the summer in Guatemala with Ivan Sergei instead of studying abroad in China. She bulges her eyes and literally spits out the line, “GUATEMALA!? WHAT ABOUT CHINA!?”
What Didn’t Work?
Not once did Tori Spelling or Ivan Sergei say, “Mother, may I sleep with Danger?” Not once! Seriously, I sat there for 2 hours waiting to hear that said so that I could clap and cheer and be all cute about it.
“Oh my God!” Just Like Me Moment
There’s a scene where Tori is running across campus and she almost knocks over a few extras with her flying arms. Back when I was dancing, I did the same thing a few times. Though in my defense, if those other people hadn’t been in my way, they wouldn’t have gotten kicked.
Lessons Learned
There were several lessons learned. One of them was that if you’re boyfriend twitches constantly, lies about his identity, and responds to questions about his day by breaking plates, don’t agree to go to an isolated cabin with him. If you do, however, make sure that isolated cabin has a random canoe sitting nearby. Seriously, that canoe is important.
The main lesson, I learned, however is not to ever allow myself to be filmed while running because, 20 years later, some snotty little bitch might see the footage and write a blog post making fun of me.
With Arleigh being away in Boston this weekend, I’ve agreed to attempt to review the second episode of Game Of Thrones, The Kingsroad. I say attempt because, unlike Arleigh and a lot of our regular readers, I am totally and completely unfamiliar with the books that this show is based on.
In other words, up until last week, I was a virgin, at least as far as Game of Thrones was concerned. And while I’m happy to say that losing my Game of Thrones virginity was actually a lot more enjoyable than losing my actual virginity, it still left me, in many ways, just as confused. Who are all these people? I wondered as I watched the 1st episode. Other thoughts that I can remember off the top of my head: Awww…cute little wolves! Wait, is he the king? My red hair is prettier than hers. What the Hell’s going on? Hey, it’s that guy! Huh? Peter Dinklage for the win! What? Huh? Oh shit, that kid’s going to leave a mess when he lands!
Unlike those of you who have read the books, I came into Game of Thrones with absolutely no tools to help me keep everything straight. But yet, through a combination of surprisingly sincere performances, intriguing plot twists, and hot guys acting like men, the show held my interest to enough of an extent that I decided to come this week and get confused all over again.
So, what about this latest episode? Well, looking at it from the point of view of someone who is still learning this show’s language, I think TheKingsroad was the perfect follow-up. After the somewhat frantic pilot episode, Kingsroad slowed the story down a bit and instead devoted most of its time to allowing us to get to know the characters and filling in a lot of backstory. If the first episode concentrated on making the character watchable, this episode concentrates on making the characters into human beings with all the individual quirks, flaws, and strengths that go along with being human. The pilot told us why we should watch. This episode gave us some clues as to why we should care.
After seeing tonight’s episode, there’s still a lot that I don’t understand but I understand enough to know that Joffrey’s a little punk and Tyrion — Tyrion just flat out rocks. (Though, and this is how much of freaking newbie I really am, I originally called him Tyrone throughout this entire review.)
Below are ten other somewhat random thoughts inspired by watching the second episode of Games of Thrones.
1) If I came away with anything from tonight’s episode, it’s that I really need to get myself one of those dire wolves. Over the course of this latest episode, I saw one wolf rip open an assassin’s throat while another one attacked that hateful little brat Joffrey. I mean, I love my cat but the only person he’s willing to attack is me. As long as he gets fed, he doesn’t care if I live or die.
2) But then there was that heart breaking moment when Nedd had to kill Sansa’s dire wolf. I have to admit that I was cringing when I first saw Nedd holding that blade and that I kinda breathed a sigh of relief when I realize that they weren’t actually going to show it happen. But then that pathetic yelp erupted on the soundtrack and it just left me heartbroken.
3) Which is why I can now say that I will probably never dislike another character as intensely as I now dislike Joffrey. In retrospect, the most satisfying part of this episode was watching Tyrion slap Joffrey around at the beginning.
4) And speaking of Tyrion, Peter Dinklage kicks so much serious ass that I don’t even know where to start in praising his performance. His big scene here (outside of slapping around Joffrey) was when he explained to Jon that, if he was a peasant, he would have been left in the forest to die. He delivered the line with the perfect combination of cynicism, weariness, and dark humor. It’s too early to say for sure but I may have found someone to fill the Josh Halloway-shaped void in my heart that was created when Lost ended.
5) I have to say that Sansa, with her refusal to stand-up for her younger sister and her reference to the wounded Joffrey as her “poor prince,” is not doing her fellow redheads proud. Of course, I’m sure some of it has to do with the fact that she’s kind of overshadowed by her far cooler baby sister. I guess that has to be difficult to deal with. Next chance I get, I’ll ask my older sisters about it to find out for sure. 🙂
6) The majority of this episode’s actual “plot” centered around Bran who was last seen getting kicked out of a very high window. Shockingly enough, he’s still alive but he spends most of the show in a coma. To be honest, there was only one false moment for me in this episode and it came when Catelyn found that hair at the “scene of the crime.” I mean, what’s she going to do with it? Call in David Caruso and have him take it back to Miami to be analyzed? Still, I enjoyed the look on the faces of both Cersei and Jaime when they heard that Bran was alive.
7) One thing that I am greatly enjoying about this show is the way that the personal and the political mix throughout the story. For all the plotting and talk of strategy, most of the show’s past and future conflict appears to be largely the result of wounded pride, jealousy, insecurity, and miscommunication. Just like in real life and that, I think, is why this show will survive and why I will continue to watch it even if I am never 100% sure just what exactly is really going on.
8 ) I’m actually enjoying the fact that Game of Thrones takes a bit of effort to follow. It was actually a pretty wise choice on the show’s producers’ part to just jump right into the action. It makes the show feel real and relatable. It allows even those of us who haven’t read the books to enjoy it.
9) So, did all you guys out there enjoy watching Daenerys learning how to pleasure her scary giant of a husband? It’s okay if you did because I did and I’m a card-carrying Ms. 45 feminist. Fact of the matter is that, once you get through all of the usual “quality television” arguments, the main appeal of HBO is that its quality television with frequent frontal nudity. (That’s why me and Erin used to secretly watch Oz when we were younger.) And Daenerys’ demand that Drogo at least look at her face while using her — well, who couldn’t relate to that?
10) Finally, I have to mention that this show has got to have one of the best opening credit sequences ever! Seriously, that majestic yet ominous music playing over images of a civilization being created, it’s a wonderful combination and definitely one that I hope to see for many more weeks to come.
Hi! So, guess what today is? *sigh* Yes, smartass, it is Sunday but that’s not what I was looking for. *shaking head*
It’s my anniversary! That’s right — one year ago today, I posted my first review on this site and twelve months and 243 posts later, I have yet to shut up.
So, I was wondering — what should I do to observe this occasion? Well, I guess I could so what most people would do and not make a big deal out of it but — well, I’m incapable of not making a big deal out of stuff. Briefly, I considered posting a nude picture as my way of saying thank you but who wants to see that, right? So, as I woke up this morning from my usual 2 hours of sleep, I asked myself, “Lisa, what are you going to do?”
Well, for the most part, I’ve observed the occasion by being kinda lazy. Seriously, I’ve spent today in my beloved Hello Kitty robe (pictured above, it’s so comfy!), curled up on my couch with my feet tucked underneath me. I’ve been watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer on Chiller.
Of course, to be honest, watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer always makes me want to go out and like start kicking people out of the hope that they’ll turn out to be vampire or a demon or a Riley. And since, I’m just a teensy bit more klutzy than Buffy and Faith, that show has indirectly been responsible for a lot of sprained ankles.
Anyway, I’ve decided to observe my anniversary by doing two things. First off, I’ve read through my 243 previous posts and I’ve selected ten that I think pretty much tell you all you need to know about both who I am and my own taste in film. And here they are:
2) 10 Reasons Why I Hated Avatar (posted on April 21st, 2010) — In which I explain why I’m right and everyone else is wrong.
3) Too Sordid To Ever Be Corrupted (posted on August 1st, 2010) — My manifesto in which I explain why I love the grindhouse.
4) Titanic: In Retrospect (posted on October 6th, 2010) — In which I discover whether or not Titanic is still as good as I thought it was when I was 12.
10) Lisa Marie Takes a Sucker Punch (dir. by Zack Snyder) (posted on March 27th, 2011) — In which I defend the most unfairly maligned movie of 2011.
And secondly, as I think I’ve made clear here, I love trailers. Quite often, I’d rather watch the trailer than the film itself. So, here’s the trailer for a film that, at the suggestion of the Trash Film Guru, I will be watching and reviewing at some point in the near future — Birdemic: Shock and Terror.
Enjoy!
And, on that note, let me just extend my sincere thanks to everyone who has read anything I’ve written over the past year. I’m especially thankful to those of you who have taken the time to comment and let me know your opinion (except for Vermont Fran and Outraged Bob, who were kinda humorless and boring about it). I’ve had a wonderful time this year, sharing and interacting and here’s hoping that this next year will be even better!
So, late, late last night, I was laying in bed, trying to get to sleep when I suddenly remembered that I had earlier recorded a movie called Confessions of a Go-Go Girl off of the Lifetime Movie Network. So I turned on the TV and I started watching, hoping that the movie would simply calm my racing mind and help me get to sleep. Instead, I found myself sitting up in bed for the next two hours, totally enraptured with this film.
After the first few minutes, I started to scream until my sister Erin woke up and rushed into my room. “What’s going on!?” she asked. “Erin,” I replied, “you have to watch this movie with me!” Erin stared at me for a few minutes before replying, “Oh my God, Lisa,” and then walking out of the room. So, after that, I started to call random friends, telling them about this movie. Unfortunately, most of them were already asleep since it was like 3 in the morning.
Anyway, long story short — I am really, really tired today! But enough about me. Let’s talk about Confessions of a Go-Go Girl.
Why Was I Watching It?
Okay, my friend Evelyn asked me this same question when I called her up last night at 3 in the morning and tried to convince her to come over and watch this with me. So, as I told her, “Oh. My. God. Are you like kidding me!? Confessions of a Go-Go Girl? How can you not watch it!?”
If I’ve learned anything, it’s that if “Confessions” appears in the title of a movie, there’s about a 75% chance that it’s going to be a lot of fun. And if that “Confessions” movie happens to be a Lifetime movie, than those chances increase to 99%.
Add to that, these aren’t just the confessions of a go-go dancer. No, they are the confessions of a go-go girl. In other words, the whole go-go thing isn’t just a job in this movie. It’s a lifestyle.
What’s It About?
It’s yet another Canadian film that’s found a home on the Lifetime Movie Network. In this one, Jane McCoy (played by Chelsea Hobbs) is a sweet and innocent aspiring actress who, in order to make some extra money, secretly takes a job as a “go-go dancer” at a sleazy bar. Under the influence of an older, cocaine-addicted dancer (played by Sarah Carter), Janet quickly starts a downward spiral of drugs, decadence, and alienation. As her new identity as a go-go girl starts to dominate her life, Jane soon finds herself growing distant from her wealthy family, her boring boyfriend, and her stridently scary drama teacher.
What Worked?
Oh my God, this is like the ultimate Lifetime movie. Over-the-top, melodramatic, awkwardly moralistic, and amazingly silly, Confessions of a Go-Go Girl is a camp masterpiece that simply has to be seen to be believed.
Nothing happens in this movie that you couldn’t predict within the first few minutes. The film’s genius is not that it does anything unexpected. Instead, it’s that it takes the expected to such an extreme. Listen, we all know, from the minute that Jane first dances, that she’s going to eventually end up becoming jaded and cynical. What we could never guess is that it’s pretty much going to happen right after the first dance. It’s kinda like one of those old anti-drug films where all it took was one puff off of a “marijuana cigarette.” One puff and you’re a giggling psycho. One dance and suddenly, your soul fades away. This is the type of film where we know that Jane has become a bad girl because she starts to part her hair down the middle and grow out her bangs.
Plus, as I’ve mentioned so many times before, I love to dance, I love to watch others dance, and if nothing else, this movie had a lot of dancing. Watching this movie, I was surprised to discover that sordid, Canadian go-go clubs apparently are capable of providing Broadway-style dance shows. I mean, I’m not big into strip clubs but, from my experience, most of them just seem to involve a runway, a pole, and a lot of plastic. I mean, it’s fun to grab onto that pole and spin around and go, “Wheeee!” but it’s not exactly exciting to watch (or, at least, it’s not for me). But in Canadian go-go clubs, the dance routines have elaborate costumes, ironic themes, and really impressive lighting. After watching this film, I realized that I really want to move up to Canada and become a go-go dancer. Seriously.
Eventually, Jane is approached by a rival go-go club promoter who tells her that he’s seen her perform and, “I remember you dancing in white panties.” This line highlights the fact that this film is obsessed with underwear. And that’s okay because, honestly, who isn’t? Watching this film reminded me of an ongoing debate that I have going with Erin concerning whether or not fancy, pretty, colorful lingerie more sexy than boring, blah, cotton, white underwear. This movie seemed, ultimately, to side with my sister in favor of the boring undies. Obviously, I disagree but the film still gave me a lot to think about. I don’t know, maybe I should start a poll or something. Do any of our male readers have an opinion on the underwear question? Please, use the comments section to let your voice be heard.
What Did Not Work?
When taken on its own terms, the entire film worked. If I’m secretly a kitty cat in human disguise than the Lifetime Movie Network is my catnip and that’s largely because of silly, over-the-top movies like this.
Actually, I do have one or two complaints. First off, the lead character is named Jane McCoy and oh my God, is that not just one of the most bleh names in history? Seriously, she should have been named Lisa Marie McCoy or something. Secondly, Jane’s boyfriend (played by Travis Milne) was soooo boring. I believe the character was named Eric but they might as have just named him “Plastic Man” because seriously, he had all the personality of one of the mannequins from those Old Navy commercials. To me, Eric’s character was defined by the moment when, as Jane went down on him, he said, “I don’t think I know you anymore.” Double bleh on him.
“OMG! Just like me!” Moments
Oh. My. God. There were so many of these moments that I don’t even know where to begin. I love dancing and I love having fun while I’m dancing so watching this film was kinda like peering in to my life in an alternative, Lifetime-based universe.
Lessons Learned
Apparently, I’m incapable of not relating everything I see to my own life. Also, I have absolutely no impulse control because I just ordered the 11 x 17 Confessions of a Go Go Girl movie poster off of Amazon.
Last night, I watched the first episode of Survivor: Redemption Island.
Why Was I Watching It?
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again — I love reality television and Survivor pretty much set the bar for the entire genre. Yes, yes, I know. Everyone wants to spend a few hours talking about how terrible reality television is and how they deserve all sorts of cookies because they don’t watch it. Well, you know what? Have fun patting yourself on the back. I’ll be watching Survivor.
What’s It About?
A group of sixteen strangers are stranded on a beach in Nicaragua where they compete for prizes and scheme against each other until there’s only one survivor left standing. As in previous seasons, all of this is hosted by Jeff Probst who, with each season, makes less and less effort to hide the utter contempt that he feels for most of the survivors. Probst still spends too much time trying to show off his dimples but you can’t help but love the man.
This season, there are big two twists, neither one of which is a real twist because they’ve both been done in previous seasons. The big twist is that whenever a survivor is voted off the island, they’re sent to Redemption Island where they wait for the chance to reenter the game at a later date.
The other twist — and this is the one that people actually care about — is that two of the most iconic “villains” in Survivor history are back this season. “Boston” Rob Mariano and Russell Hantz are both back and playing once again. On last night’s episode, the 16 new players were divided into two tribes. As usual, the two tribes were given names based on some obscure piece of historical trivia but for the sake of simplicity, we’ll just call them Team Rob and Team Russell.
What Worked:
I’ll admit that when I first heard that Russell and Rob were coning back, I wasn’t exactly enthused about the idea. I love Rob and always have but I’ve just about reached my limit as far as Russell is concerned. During his first season, Russell was my favorite because he was just so blatantly villainous and he never wasted any time with all of that silly talk of “playing the game with honor” that so many other survivors have tried to sell in the past. Plus, he was funny. However, about halfway through the Heroes Vs. Villains season, I started to get tired of Russell. Unlike Rob who is always thinking and competing, Russell seemed to be a one trick pony.
Well, I’m sorry to say that Russell hasn’t changed but since everyone on Team Russell seems to have seen his previous seasons, it doesn’t seem likely that Russell’s going to get that far in the game and if he does, I can’t wait to see how he managed to pull off the impossible.
Plus, Russell wasn’t really in much of this episode. This episode was all Rob and I love Rob.
And then there’s Philip.
Philip is on Team Rob. He’s a tall, outspoken, bald man who happens to also be a former federal agent. I know this because he mentioned that fact a few thousand times. He also spent way too much time this episode wandering around in these saggy fuchsia briefs. Seriously, if you’re going to be on Survivor then you know you’re going to be filmed in your underwear at some point. So, seriously, give some thought to what you’re wearing underneath, okay? Me, if I’m ever on Survivor, I’m going to go on a shopping spree at Victoria’s Secret the week before I leave for the beach. Immunity Idol? Who needs an Immunity Idol when you’ve got the right bra? Seriously.
But, anyway, back to Philip. Philip is one of those priceless survivors who you hate but you hope they’re around for a really long time. Seriously, he’s so self-righteous and so full of himself and so stupid and so unaware that he makes for great reality television.
During last night’s episode, Philip “entered” into an alliance with Francesca and Kristine. Kristine had found the immunity idol (I get the feeling that nobody on the Survivor production team making much of an effort to hide them anymore) and the three of them attempted to execute a power move by voting out Rob. However, this plan fell apart at tribal council when Philip, for some reason, ended up explaining the entire plot along with mentioning that Kristine had the immunity idol. End result: Francesca was voted out. It was a classic Survivor moment, a perfect reminder of why I love this show. It’s just so shameless.
What Didn’t Work:
I’m not a huge fan of the whole idea of Redemption Island. The whole idea of a someone getting voted off the island just to get to come back later on in the game has been done before on Survivor and it didn’t work out well. The someone in question was a middle-aged woman named Lil who went through the entire game wearing a Scoutmaster’s uniform. Lil was voted off early, came back late, and nearly won simply because she hadn’t been around for the previous few weeks. It felt unfair at the time.
However, there is a huge difference in that this season, everyone knows about “the twist” whereas previously, it really was a complete surprise on everyone. Whether that’ll make a difference has yet to be seen.
Of course, it’s also rare that any of the new gimmicks on Survivor ever really make that much of a difference in the overall game. Remember Exile Island? Even more importantly, can you remember the last time that an immunity idol actually made a huge difference in the final outcome of the season? As opposed to the producers of Big Brother (who really seem to think that the audience is really into each season’s new twist), the people behind Survivor appear to understand that the main reason we watch is to see how much weight everyone loses while scheming against each other.
“Oh My God! Just like Me!” Moments
There’s always quite a few of these whenever I watch any episode of Survivor because, like a lot of reality TV fans, I tend to place myself in each episode and debate what I would have done. And while we always like to tell ourselves that we would have done the complete opposite of whatever foolishness we’ve just witnessed, we all know better. Whenever I watch this show and I see someone totally failing in a physical competition, accidentally blabbing on until everyone votes for her just to make her shut up, or have a meltdown on-screen, I know that I’m seeing what would happen if I ever actually made it onto Survivor. That’s also the same feeling that I get whenever I see some poor girl go through several episodes with a mass of pixels over either her boobs or her ass. I’ve sat there and shouted, “That would so be me!”
(Actually, I don’t do that as often ever since I was watching an episode over at my sister Melissa’s place and she said, “That already is you, Lisa Marie.”)
Anyway, on last night’s episode, I found myself hiding my face in shame as Francesca, Kristina, and Philip basically gave away their entire strategy during tribal council, announcing how they were planning to vote out Rob before anyone had actually voted and while Rob was sitting less than a foot away. That’s a perfect example of one of those moments that make us shout, “You idiots!” even though we know we’d probably make the exact same mistake.
Also, it was clear that most of Team Rob was crushing on Rob and I don’t blame them because you know what? Rob Marciano is hot! The new gray in his hair just serves to make him even hotter.
(Guys are so lucky in that regard. I thought I found a gray hair a few days ago and I ripped it out of my head and oh my God, it hurt! And then it turned out it wasn’t even gray, it was just a lighter shade of red and the light was hitting it in an awkward way.)
By the way, here’s my strategy of how I’ll win if I’m ever on Survivor: Boobs, boobs, and more boobs. Like, the whole way to tribal council, I would be the one going, “Do you really want to vote these out?” I would also probably try to fly under the radar, be everyone’s friend, and flirt a lot with all the males. Of course, once we merged, then it would be time to go all girl power and start voting them out one-by-one. But, for the most part, my strategy would come down to: boobs, boobs, boobs.
Lessons Learned:
Be wary of former federal agents in fuchsia briefs.
Last night, I watched the annual Golden Globe Awards show.
Why Was I Watching It?
Well, I wasn’t watching it because I was expecting to see the best films and tv shows of the last year recognized. The Golden Globes are notorious for being odd and anyone who takes them too seriously needs to relax a little. The appeal of the Golden Globes is that 1) it recognizes both television and film in the same ceremony which means you get to see unexpected sights like Jim Parsons, Robert De Niro, Johnny Depp, and the cast of Glee all in the same auditorium, 2) drinks are served throughout the ceremony which means that everyone’s pretty drunk by the end of it, and 3) you can make fun of what everyone’s wearing.
What’s It About?
As the show’s host, Ricky Gervais pointed out while commenting on the odd nomination of The Tourist for Best Picture (Comedy), the show is mostly about the shadowy members of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association getting a chance to hang out with people like Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp. And who can blame them, really? Quite honestly, if it meant I might get a chance to spend a night with Johnny Depp (or, I’ll admit it, Angelia Jolie), I’m more than willing to love The Tourist too.
What Worked
Oh my God, it was such an odd three hours. While the winners were kinda predictable and boring (how excited can you get — at this point — to see The Social Network win awards) and showed the typical tendency towards embracing the safe over the unpredictable, Ricky Gervais kept things lively. He hosted with an attitude that basically said, “My career doesn’t need your approval so fuck off, Hollywood.” It also pretty much guaranteed that Gervais will never host the Oscars. My favorite Gervais moment came early when he made the comment about secretly gay Scientologists (an obvious reference to Tom Cruise and maybe John Travolta). The way the audience gasped pretty much told you all you needed to know as far as the truth behind the joke was concerned.
Robert De Niro won the DeMille Award and gave a speech that revealed that he’s actually a human being and apparently, a somewhat bitter one at that. Also, I simply have to mention that Robert De Niro is aging really well. As opposed to…oh, I don’t know…Al Pacino, maybe?
Melissa Leo is one of my favorites actresses and it was nice to see her rewarded for The Fighter but her speech did go on and on and the only thing that saved the moment was that some genius in the control booth decided to cut to Helena Bonham Carter who had the coolest “What the fuck?” look on her face.
Angelina Jolie’s green dress was quite simply to die for and I want it because it’s the same color as my right eye. So, I’ll repeat the offer that I made earlier on twitter: whoever gets me this dress (by whatever means) can watch while I try it on and take it off. (That’s a joke, by the way! Seriously though, I so want that dress. Except, of course, I’d want to have Hello Kitty on it somewhere…)
Natalie Portman won best actress in a drama and, out of all the awards given last night, that’s really the only one I agreed with. When Portman’s name was announced, my twitter friend Jason Tarwater asked if I was doing cartwheels. Well, I didn’t do cartwheels but I did attempt to do a pirouette and wow, that was a mistake because I so twisted my ankle the wrong way and ended up in really intense pain. So, I missed Natalie’s speech but I bet it was great.
I do like the way that the Golden Globes divide their awards into a drama and a comedy section. It’s a smart idea, I think.
What Didn’t Work?
I’m not going to complain about The Social Network winning most of the awards. It’s not a bad film, at all. It’s just not the great movie that so many critics are insisting that it is. At this point, I’m not so much anti-Social Network as much as I’m just bored with it.
Al Pacino’s a great actor but seriously, I hit mute any time he wins an award. And, seriously, would it kill him to wash his hair or something before he shows up for an awards ceremony?
Justin Bieber came out and gave an award or something and I’m sorry — he’s creepy. I mean, like David Archuletta creepy. Plus, I always have to go to Wikipedia to find out whether the i or the e comes first whenever I’m trying to type out the name “Bieber”. I mean, I’m only 25 and this little punk and his fans are making me feel like an old woman complaining about “kids today.” NOT COOL, BIEBER!
Aaron Sorkin won for his overrated screenplay and I guess he’s aware that he’s got an image problem because he tried so hard to be gracious but it was kinda like when James Cameron tried to be gracious while promoting Avatar. It just didn’t work. The more humble Sorkin tried to be, the more he came across like a prick. The final insult came when he thanked the best actress nominees for being “smart” women as if that’s such an unusual thing to be. I’m assuming this was Sorkin’s attempt to show that he’s not a sexist pig but it just came across as condescending and fake. It’s interesting to contrast Sorkin’s speech with David Fincher’s speech. Fincher was far more gracious and, quite frankly, the only reason that Sorkin’s screenplay came close to working was because, as a director, Fincher kept things visually interesting so you didn’t really spend too much time thinking about how every single character in the entire freakin’ movie sounded exactly like Aaron Sorkin. Seriously, does Sorkin know anyone who doesn’t talk like him?
Was it just me or did producer Scott Rudin — while accepting best picture for The Social Network — almost seem as if he had to be reminded to thank Fincher? It’s interesting that, for all the acclaim Social Network and Sorkin have gotten, Fincher has often come close to being forgotten. Could it be because Sorkin is a card-carrying member of the Hollywood establishment while Fincher, much like Fighter’s David O. Russell and Black Swan’s Darren Aronofsky, is not?
Finally, the first winner of the night was Christian Bale. Was he deliberately trying to channel Colin Farrell last night or was it just an accident? Regardless, when it comes Colin Farrell, I prefer the real thing.
“Oh my God! Just Like Me” Moment
“I’ll show you a pair of golden globes!”
Lessons Learned
As excited as I’ll be if Natalie Portman wins an Oscar for best actress, I will force myself not to dance.
Yes, I hear the sound of everyone starting to protest and rest assured, I’m not planning on using my space here to start blogging about The Bachelor (though I guess I could if I ever like got really pissed off at men in general…) It just happens that The Bachelor is what I watched last night and it featured a vampire.
Why Was I Watching It?
Because, God help me, I love it so. Everyone has at least one irrational love. I love crappy reality TV, especially if it gives me an excuse to get all catty and show my claws. Meow!
What’s It About?
Since this was the 1st episode of the new season, we met our new bachelor and discovered that he’s an old bachelor — it’s the return of Brad Womack! For those of you who don’t follow these things (and I assume that’s everyone involved with this site except for me), Brad was the Bachelor a few seasons ago. He’s the one who, after he picked his bride, then dumped her on national TV and decided he wanted to marry the girl who came in second. Then he dumped that girl too.
Anyway, Brad’s been in therapy for 3 years and in this episode, he explains that this all happened because he didn’t have a good relationship with his Dad, therefore establishing himself firmly as yet another little boy with daddy issues. (Pardon me while I gag.)
Once Brad’s got that all cleared up, he meets the poor girls who are competing to be his wife and he basically spends the majority of the episode saying, “I just want another chance because I have daddy issues.” You got another chance, you toadsucker. Shut up about your freaking childhood! Fortunately, there’s hope on the horizon because of a vampire named Madison.
What Worked?
First off, everyone spent a lot of time — and I mean A LOT OF TIME — trash-talkin’ Brad. I mean, everyone! The girls, the show’s host, and finally even Brad himself, all they could talk about was how much of a loser the guy is. And you know what? He is. Which is why it’s going to be fun to watch him basically put himself through Hell all over again.
Plus, the girl with fangs got a rose and I imagine that’s probably because the show’s producers thought she’d be good for ratings but who cares? She’s got fangs!
What Didn’t Work?
Well, the show is like sooooo totally shallow and reality TV is just the devil’s programming and it’s all evidence of how stupid people are and blah blah blah blah. Just insert your own boring, anti-reality television diatribe in here. And then pat yourself on the back because, yeah, you’re really like the first person who has ever said any of that crap. I mean, obviously, you’re a freaking genius. Good job, you elitist toadsucker.
“Oh My God! Just Like Me!” Moment
Not that long ago, I used to dress in all black and wear a studded choker. I also renamed myself Pandora DeSaad and wrote poetry about slitting my wrists and watching the blood circle down the drain of the sink. That got kinda tedious after a while and I moved on. Still, even if I hadn’t, I would still hope that I would be allowed to appear on the Bachelor.
Lessons Learned:
None. There were no lessons to be learned from this. The show was pure trash with no redeeming value. That was kind of the point.
Through the Shattered Lens 