Lisa Marie’s Week In Television: 11/5/23 — 11/11/23

Posted on November 11, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

The Amazing Race (Wednesday Night, CBS)

I’m still struggling to get caught up with this season. Hopefully, I’ll have a lot of thoughts to share on the show after this weekend!

Big Brother 25 (24/7, Paramount Plus and CBS)

This stupid season is finally over! You can read my thoughts over at the Reality TV Chat Blog!

Check It Out (Tubi)

My review of this week’s episode of Check It Out should be dropping in about an hour. Personally, I am proud of myself for the dedication that I have shown to reviewing a show that I don’t think anyone else has ever heard of.

C.H.i.Ps (Freevee)

Jeff and I watched two episodes of this extremely 70s cop show earlier tonight. Jeff thinks I should review it for my next Retro series and I think he might be right! The episodes we watched were all about disco roller skating. It was fascinating in its own weird way.

Degrassi Junior High (YouTube)

I wrote about Degrassi Junior High here!

Dirty Pair Flash (YouTube)

I watched an episode of this anime on Friday night. It was a fun episode, one featuring a lot of explosions and cute outfits.

Dr. Phil (YouTube)

Saturday night, I watched two episodes featuring Crystal and Anthony. Anthony was accused of doing something unthinkable to his daughter by his former girlfriend, Crystal. From the start, it was pretty obvious that Crystal was coaching her daughter and Anthony had not molested his daughter. Crystal and her mother repeatedly yelled over Dr. Phil and at Anthony. In general, people who are telling the truth don’t have to yell to make their point.

On Tuesday afternoon, I passed the time by rewatching the episode in which Dr. Phil talked to the creator of Jilly Juice, a disgusting-looking concoction that she claimed could regrow limbs, promote good health, and “cure homosexuality.” I’ve been pretty critical of some of Dr. Phil’s shows but he was definitely at his best when he was exposing Jilly Juice, which had the unfortunate side effect of causing strokes.

Friday the 13th: The Series (YouTube)

I wrote about Friday the 13th: The Series here!

Gun (Tubi)

I wrote about the final episode of Gun here!

Jennifer Slept Here (YouTube)

Here, I wrote about Jennifer Slept Here.

The Love Boat (Paramount Plus)

I wrote about The Love Boat here!

Monsters (Tubi)

I wrote about Monsters here!

Nightmare Café (YouTube)

I finished up Nightmare Café this week. My review can be found here!

Sally Jessy Raphael (YouTube)

On Tuesday night, I watched an old episode of this 90s talk show. Sally talked to men who treated their wives like slaves. It was a skin-crawling episode and hopefully, every guest on it got divorced after their appearance.

On Wednesday night, I watched an episode featuring teenagers who were upset that their moms were dressing slutty. To be honest, the teens all came across as being kind of whiny.

The Steve Wilkos Show (YouTube)

On Tuesday night, I watched an episode in which a guy with a beard that made him look like a California cult leader was convinced that his stepdaughter’s boyfriend, who had a mustache that made him look like the owner of a 70s leather bar, was being abusive. They both took lie detector tests and ended up shouting each other as the end credits rolled.

Survivor (Wednesday Night, CBS)

Just as with The Amazing Race, I’m dropping into this season late and still struggling to get caught up. Hopefully, I’ll be caught up by the end of tomorrow. For what I have seen, I am definitely Team Emily!

T and T (Tubi)

I reviewed T and T here!

Welcome Back Kotter (Tubi)

I reviewed Welcome Back Kotter here!

Yes, Prime Minister (Monday Morning, PBS)

When his predecessor as PM describes Jim in unflattering terms in his autobiography, Jim tries to suppress the book through the Official Secrets Act. It all led to a bit of a scandal and a lot of laughs. Bernard got to do quite a bit in this episode, which I appreciated. Bernard is always a fun character, seeing as how he’s right in the middle between Jim’s cluelessness and Sir Humphrey’s manipulativeness.

Retro Television Reviews: Welcome Back Kotter 2.19 “There Goes Number Five (a.k.a. Has Anyone Seen Arnold Part 2)”

Posted on November 11, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Welcome Back Kotter, which ran on ABC from 1975 to 1979. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, we learn more than we ever wanted to know about Arnold Horshack.

Episode 2.19 “There Goes Number Five (a.k.a. Has Anyone Seen Arnold Part 2)”

(Dir by Bob LaHendro and James Komack, originally aired on February 3rd, 1977)

When last we checked in with the Sweathogs, Arnold Horshack was missing and perhaps dead. This episode opens with the Sweathogs in the classroom, telling Gabe that they’re worried about their friend. Gabe says that Arnold must be having a “problem in his personal life.”

“Come on, Mr. Kotter,” Epstein says, “Arnold ain’t got no personal life.”

Suddenly, Horshack comes into the classroom and asks Mr. Kotter how one becomes a father. “Well, first you meet a girl….” Gabe starts but Horshack stops him and explains that his fifth stepfather has died, felled by a heart attack while driving his taxi on the Long Island expressway. Horshack is now the man of his family. Everyone hugs Horshack and promises to help him out if they can.

“Awwwwww!” the audience says and it actually is a pretty sweet scene.

Unfortunately, the rest of the episode is not quite as effective. After the scene with the Sweathogs, the viewer is suddenly confronted with a new tenement location, a host of new characters, and some very broad acting as the show goes from being an episode of Welcome Back Kotter to being a poorly disguised pilot for a show that presumably would have focused on Horshack’s eccentric family. We meet Horshack’s mother (played by Ellen Travolta, sister of John). We meet Horshack’s obnoxious sibilings. When meet Goldie (Susan Lawrence), who Horshack has a crush on. And we eventually meet Horshack’s uncle, the wealthy Harry Orshack (James Komack). Uncle Harry gives Horshack a part-time job and agrees to train him to be “a shark” so that Horshack will be able to take care of his family. We also meet Leonard (Robert Stoneman), who is Harry’s other protégé and who takes an immediate dislike to Arnold. One can only imagine how many conflicts they would have had if this pilot had been turned into a show.

The episode suffers from a lot of problems, the least being that a little bit Arnold Horshack goes a long way. As a character, Horshack is funny when he’s a part of an ensemble but he’s a bit too cartoonish to be effective as a lead. On Welcome Back, Kotter, Horshack is an amusing eccentric but, in this episode, he’s surrounded by characters who are equally eccentric and it really does get to be too much. Watching it, one can see why the idea of doing a show about the Horshacks never got out of the pilot stage.

For the record, this is the first episode of Welcome Back Kotter to not feature Gabe telling a joke at the beginning of the show. As it ends, when Horshack returns to school and tells everyone that he’ll be working for his uncle Harry, Gabe offers to tell Horshack about his uncle who once had a job but we don’t actually get to hear the punchline of the joke.

In this episode’s defense, I should mention that it appears that both it and the previous episode actually aired on the same night and, as such, the backdoor pilot was the second half of a one-hour broadcast. So, I imagine that viewers in 1977 didn’t find all of this to be as jarring as a viewer in 2023 would. Still, if I was going to spin-off a Sweathog, I would have gone with Epstein. He seemed like he had a wild life.

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Friday the 13th 1.6 “The Great Montarro”

Posted on November 10, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing Friday the 13th, a show which ran in syndication from 1987 to 1990. The show can be found on YouTube!

This week’s episode of Friday the 13th is all about magic, blood, and costumes!

Episode 1.6 “The Great Montarro”

(Dir by Richard Friedman, originally aired on November 2nd, 1987)

This week’s episode opens with a magician named Fahteem (August Schellenberg) performing his signature trick. He steps into the Cabinet of Doom and, once he’s sealed inside, several sword blades are driven through the cabinet. Somehow, Fahteem always survives without a scratch and the audience is always amazed. What the audience doesn’t know is that the Cabinet is a cursed antique. Before each performance, Fahteem drugs a woman and locks her in another cabinet. The blades kills whoever is in that cabinet while leaving Fahteem untouched. Of course, if no one is in the other cabinet than the blades will kill whoever is in the Cabinet of Doom. That is something that Fahteem discovers when an unknown perpetrator decides to take the cabinet away from him.

After Fahteem is murdered, Jack, a former musician who was an unfriendly acquaintance of Fahteem, discovers that the Cabinet of Doom was actually purchased from the antique store. Jack decides to return to the world of magic and magicians so that he can track down the cabinet. Helping him, and getting to wear a cute assistant’s uniform, is Micki. Ryan also helps but he doesn’t get anything cute to wear.

It turns out that the cabinet is now in the possession of the Great Montarro (Graeme Campbell) and his wife, Lylah (Lesleh Donaldson). Realizing that Jack is trying to take away the cabinet, Montarro and Lylah are soon targeting him and trying to make his signature trick into a fatal one. Seeing as how that trick involves Jack being tied up in a sack that is then set on fire, that might be an easier task than it sounds.

This is the bloodiest episode of the show yet, with the camera focusing on the gory results of every failed trick. Blood drips from cabinets. Blood spreads across stages. Watching the show, you really do find yourself watching why there’s so many spikes and blades just lying around. Apparently, audiences for magic shows are not satisfied unless there’s a chance that they might see someone die in a terrible fashion. In the role of Jack, Chris Wiggins appears to be having a ball performing magic tricks and, as a result, both Micki and Ryan spend most of the show standing off to the side. Fortunately, Wiggins is a lot of fun to watch in this episode. The joy that he takes from pulling off the perfect trick is contagious. The overall episode is a bit too slowly paced but at least almost everyone gets to wear a nice costume.

Next week, Jack, Ryan, and Micki try to recover a cursed scalpel!

Retro Television Reviews: T and T 2.1 through 2.4 “Straight Line”

Posted on November 10, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing T. and T., a Canadian show which ran in syndication from 1987 to 1990. The show can be found on Tubi!

This week, season 2 begins with a supesized episode.

Episodes 2.1 through 2.4 “Straight Line”

(Dir by George Mihalka, originally aired on October 24, 1988)

Straight Line, the second season premiere of T & T, is one story that is told over the course of four, 30-minute episodes. According to both Wikipedia and the IMDb, all four of those episodes aired on October 24th, 1988. To me, that would seem to suggest that Straight Line originally aired as a made-for-TV movie and that it was later split up into four episodes for syndication. It’s something that happens with a lot of shows, especially when it comes to season premieres. Straight Line was also apparently released, direct to video, as a stand-alone film in 1990 and you have to wonder how many people ended up renting it without realizing that they were spending their money on a super-sized episode of T & T.

The second season begins with some changes to the opening credits. Most of the supporting cast — including Decker, Aunt Martha, Sophie, and Detective Jones — no longer appear in the opening credits. (Decker and Aunt Martha do appear in the episodes but both David Nerman and Jackie Richardson are credited as being “guest stars.”) Instead, it appears that there are now only three regular members of the cast — Mr. T, Alex Amini, and Sean Roberge as a new character named Joe Casper. (Roberge previously appeared during the first season, playing a character named Fabian.)

Joe Casper is a teenager who is in a bit of trouble. He’s gotten involved with a neighborhood gang known as The Future and when the Future disrupts a campaign event for a reverend who is seeking to become Toronto’s first black mayor, it leads to a bomb going off and killing Joe’s mother. Distraught by what’s happened, Joe attempts to jump off a bridge but T.S. Turner (who was at the rally) approaches Joe and says, “Take it easy, little brother,” and that’s all Joe needs to hear to turn himself into the police. Joe is going to need a good lawyer so T.S. calls Amy, who rushes over the police station and….

OH MY GOD, WHAT IS AMY WEARING!?

Amy explains that she was at a banquet when T.S. called but still, I would probably put on a coat or something before heading over to Toronto’s dirtiest police station.

Anyway, Amy is able to keep Joe out of jail. Joe is sent to a juvenile rehabilitation center that is run by Dr. Hammel (Kenneth Welsh). Dr. Hammel is an ally of the preacher who is running for mayor and everyone thinks that Dr. Hammel is a good and devoted social activist. Of course, the audience automatically knows that Dr. Hammel is the bad guy because he’s played by Kenneth Welsh, who I imagine is best-known in America for playing the totally evil Windom Earle in Twin Peaks.

T.S. investigates The Future and discovers that there started out as a neighborhood watch before being transformed into a bunch of Neo-Nazis. He also discovers that Dr. Hammel is the one who is behind the organization. T.S. and Amy have to expose Hammel and they better hurry because the preacher running for mayor has been assassinated and Hammel has just announced that he’s running for mayor of Toronto!

This all may sound pretty exciting but the second season premiere is actually a bit dull. The main problem is that, as opposed to the first season, T.S. doesn’t get to do much in the episode. He’s rather subdued and there’s none of the quirkiness that made the character so memorable during the first season. He doesn’t talk about his love for cookies. He hardly calls anyone, other than Joe, “brother.” There’s not even a scene of him hitting a punching bag. It’s disappointing! As well, he and Amy were separated for the majority of the show, which kind of goes against the whole idea of them being T and T. Instead, the majority of the episode was devoted to introducing Joe. The episode ended with Joe, tears streaming down his face, walking away with T.S. and apparently renouncing his former affiliation with The Future. Since Joe is in the opening credits now, I assume he’s going to become T.S.’s ward for at least the next few episodes.

Hopefully, the next episode will features T.S. acting more like T.S. Otherwise, this is going to be a long season.

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Highway to Heaven 1.6 and 1.7 “One Fresh Batch of Lemonade”

Posted on November 9, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Highway to Heaven, which aired on NBC from 1984 to 1989. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi and several other services!

This week’s episode finds Jonathan and Mark working as physical therapists!

Episodes 1.6 and 1.7 “One Fresh Batch of Lemonade”

(Dir by Michael Landon, aired on October 24th, 1984 and October 31st, 1984)

Deke Larson, Jr. (Ken Olandt) is a high school baseball star who is being watched by the scouts, much to the joy of his father, Deke, Sr. (Jim Haynie). The elder Deke was quite an athlete in his day and his house is still full of the trophies that he won through the years. Deke, Sr. was recruited to play professional baseball but he never made it out of the minor leagues. As a result, Deke, Jr. has spent his entire life being prepared to do what his father never accomplished.

However, that dream comes to an end when Deke, Jr. has a motorcycle accident and is hit by a truck that is being driven by Richie Halbertson (Bart Conner), a gymnast who attends a rival high school. As a result of the accident, Deke, Jr. loses both his legs. Now, he spends his time at a rehab clinic, consumed by his own bitterness.

Jonathan and Mark are the clinic’s newest physical therapists. While Jonathan tries to get Deke, Jr. to accept his condition and forgive Richie, Mark tries to talk to Deke, Sr. With the help of a quadriplegic law student named Scotty (James Troesh), Deke, Jr. starts to realize that it’s better to focus on what he has instead of obsessing on what he’s lost. Deke, Jr. starts to recover from his bitterness and soon, he’s even being nice to the classmate (Samatha Paris) who has a crush on him. But when Jonathan suggests that Deke, Jr. could still compete as gymnast, will Deke, Jr. be able to accept being trained by Richie Halbertson? And will Deke’s parents be able to set aside their own anger to support their son?

If you answered no to any of those questions, you’ve obviously never seen this show before.

This two-parter is pretty much the epitome of a typical Highway to Heaven episode. It’s earnest, heartfelt, well-intentioned, and there’s isn’t a moment of cynicism to be found. It’s the type of episode where Jonathan tells two snotty teenage boys that they shouldn’t park in a handicapped spot and, when the boys ignore him and go into a nearby bookstore, God turns their car upside down. (Plus, they get a ticket!) Even the episode’s title, which refers to the old-saying about making lemonade whenever life gives you lemons, pretty sums up Highway to Heaven‘s unapologetically positive outlook. At the same time, it’s also an episode that, because it is so earnest, won’t take anyone by surprise. If you can’t guess how this episode is going to end, I can only assume that you’ve never watched television or a movie before.

Predictable as it may be, it’s still an effective episode, largely because it is so unashamed of being sentimental and heartfelt. You do have to wonder just how exactly Deke, Jr. managed to become a competition-worthy gymnast in what appears to have just been a matter of weeks but still, this is a case where the good intentions make up for the rough spots.

Next week, Jonathan and Mark help an industrialist who thinks that he is King Arthur. Who does the grail serve?

Retro Television Reviews: Jennifer Slept Here 1.6 “One Of Our Jars Is Missing”

Posted on November 9, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Jennifer Slept Here, which aired on NBC in 1983 and 1984. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

This week, Jennifer is trapped in a jar!

Episode 1.6 “One Of Our Jars Is Missing”

(Dir by Charles S. Dubin, originally aired on November 25th, 1983)

Last week, I announced that George Eliot (played by Fiona Apple’s father, Brandon Maggart), was the worst character on Jennifer Slept Here and perhaps one of the worst characters of all time. This week, however, George is actually pretty tolerable. Instead, it’s his son Joey who is terrible.

Since this series started, Joey has been having to adjust to having to live with the ghost of Jennifer Farrell and, for the most part, he seems to be doing a pretty good job of it. Jennifer has helped out Joey with his problems and Joey has helped out Jennifer on numerous occasions. They’ve been established as being friends.

However, this episode finds Joey and Jennifer uncharacteristically annoyed with each other. Jennifer thinks that Joey makes too much noise in his room. Joey thinks that Jennifer makes too much noise in the attic. Joey spends a lot of time yelling at Jennifer, which makes him look crazy to everyone else. After hearing his son yelling into thin air one too many times, George decides that Joey is truly convinced that there is a ghost in the house.

George’s solution?

Hire an exorcist!

Now, it should be noted that George doesn’t think that the house is haunted. Instead, he thinks that Joey is delusional but George is convinced that an exorcism will cure Joey of those delusions. It’s not a bad plan. When Madame Wanda (played by Zelda Rubinstein, in a performance that is clearly meant to spoof her role in the original Poltergeist) shows up and performs her ritual, it’s obvious that she’s a fake. And yet somehow, she is still able to trap Jennifer in a mason jar.

Joey takes the jar to his room. Now, it should be understood that everyone else thinks that Joey is carrying an empty jar but Joey can see Jennifer trapped in the jar. Instead of unsealing the jar and allowing Jennifer her freedom, he decides to leave her in the jar. He puts the jar on his dresser and then pretends that he’s going to throw a baseball at it….

I mean, seriously …. WHAT THE HECK IS UP WITH THIS!?

It is true that Jennifer can be a bit self-absorbed and definitely more than a little eccentric but, for the most part, she’s been pretty respectful to Joey. She helped Joey throw a fake séance. She helped Joey get over his ex-girlfriend. She’s been very supportive of the son of a man who repeatedly refers to her as having been a “tramp.” And now, Joey’s just going to keep her trapped in a jar? What type of sociopath is Joey?

Earlier in the episode, Joey wrote a rude letter to one of his teachers. He wasn’t planning on mailing it but, when his mother (Georgia Engel) comes across the letter, she takes it to the post office. Suddenly, Joey needs the help of someone who can walk through walls so he opens the jar and allows Jennifer to escape. (So, yes, Joey let Jennifer out of the jar but only because he needed her to do something sneaky for him.) However, Jennifer can no longer walk through walls! Something must have happened with the exorcism.

Joey and Jennifer head over to Madame Wanda’s place, hoping that Wanda can reverse the spell. Of course, Wanda is a fake and didn’t realize she was actually performing a real exorcism to begin with. Wanda has no idea how to reverse anything.

Now, fear not, everything returns to normal by the end of the episode. Jennifer is once again a ghost who can walk through walls and Joey is once again yelling at thin air. As the episode ends, George listens to his son yell and then mutters that he just blew a lot of money on a worthless exorcism. I’m a bit surprised that George is willing to give up that easily. I mean, if someone in your house is apparently arguing with someone that only he can see, that’s cause for concern. Has George never seen an Amityville film? Can he not see the path on which Joey is walking?

This episode felt a bit mean-spirited, which is a shame because it had the potential to be fun. But Joey acting like such a jerk ruined whatever humor could have been mined from Wanda and her attempts to exorcise the house. This whole episode felt just a bit mean-spirited.

Next week, according to the IMDb, Jennifer learns that she can take over people’s bodies so Joey better watch out!

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Monsters 1.6 “Where’s The Rest Of Me?”

Posted on November 8, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing Monsters, which aired in syndication from 1988 to 1991. The entire show is streaming on Youtube.

This week, Monsters makes the mistake of getting political.

Episode 1.6 “Where’s The Rest Of Me?”

(Dir by Richard Benner, originally aired on November 26th, 1988)

On a Caribbean island, Dr. Wingite (Meat Loaf) is throwing a small party in his mansion/laboratory. Attending the party is a football player named Joe (Franco Harris). Dr. Wingite gave Joe a new knee and, as a result, Joe is having his best season ever. Also at the party is a singer named Regina (played by Black-Eyed Susan). Regina was losing her voice until Dr. Wingite gave her new vocal cords. And finally, there’s a businessman named J.J. Marshall (Drew Eliot), who wants to develop the island by building a shopping mall. J.J. was losing his eyesight until Dr. Wingite gave him new eyes.

As Wingite and his patients drink wine and talk about their greedy plans for the future, revolutionaries are firing guns and shouting outside. The government is not popular and neither is Dr. Wingite, who is not only a mad scientist but also the government’s chief executioner.

Wingite takes his guests down to his lab, where they see Adam (Frank Tarsia). Wingite explains that Adam was a rebel who was due to be executed. Wingite, however, put him in a coma and the doctor has been giving away his body parts. J.J. has Adam’s eyes. Regina has Adam’s vocal cords. Joe has Adam’s knee. Adam is kept alive with machines but when Joe and Regina accidentally spill a beaker of liquid into Adam’s feed tube, Adam wakes up and comes back to life. Adam stalks the guests through the mansion, determined ro regain his missing body parts.

Eh. This episode was …. well, it was pretty bad. The political subtext was pretty heavy-handed, with J.J. loudly declaring that Wingite’s experiments are “free enterprise!” and Adam shouting “Viva la revolution” as he seeks revenge on the doctor and his wealthy guests. It had all the depth and the nuance of an essay written by a college freshmen who is convinced that he’s an expert on Marx because he took one class on him. I’m surprised that the episode didn’t feature Fidel Castro parachuting in to rescue Adam or maybe an appearance by the ghost of that bourgeois phony, Che Guevara.

Beyond the superficial political subtext, this episode suffered from some truly terrible acting. Meat Loaf is totally miscast as a mad scientist and seeing that Dr. Wingite was obviously based on South America-based Nazi war criminals like Klaus Barbie and Josef Mengele, you have to wonder what led the show’s director to think, “This is a perfect role for a kind of goofy singer!” From what I understand, Franco Harris was an actual football player and his performance makes the basketball players who appeared on Hang Time seem expressive by comparison. The rest of the cast is neither as miscast as Meat Loaf nor as downright bad as Franco Harris but still, no one makes much of an impression.

This was a disappointing episode. Sometimes, it’s best to avoid politics.

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 3.15 “The Harder They Fall/The Spider Serenade/Next Door Wife”

Posted on November 8, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, Gopher falls in love. Yes, Gopher.

Episode 3.15 “The Harder They Fall/The Spider Serenade/Next Door Wife”

(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on December 8th, 1979)

After three seasons of being goofy comedic relief, Gopher finally got his heart broken in this episode. He fell in love with a passenger named Claire Dalrymple (Jill St. John), who is on the boat by herself because she has recently separated from her husband, Nelson (Robert Sampson). And Claire eventually fell in love with Gopher, especially after he dressed up like a mariachi singer and serenaded her with a song about the time that she asked him to kill a spider that was in her cabin. This time, it was Gopher who ended up waking up in a cabin with a passenger.

(I’m sure some would say it was a bit unrealistic that Claire, upon seeing a spider in her cabin, would run out into the hallway, screaming while wearing only a towel. I’ve done the exact same thing at a hotel because spiders are scary!)

But does Claire really love Gopher or if she just looking for someone to feel the void left by her separation. When her husband shows up on the boat, he turns out to be a pretty reasonable and polite guy. He tells Gopher that, while Gopher can give Claire anything she wants at sea, Nelson can give her everything she needs on land. Is Nelson suggesting some sort of special arrangement here? Well, if he is, it totally goes over Gopher’s head. At the end of the cruise, Claire decides to leave with Nelson and Gopher can only sadly watch as she leaves.

Awwwwwww! Poor Gopher!

It’s kind of weird to see Gopher in a sad story. That’s not the fault of Fred Grandy, who always likable and did a pretty good job with the role. Instead, it’s just that Gopher is such a goofy character that it takes a bit of adjustment to suddenly see him being sincere. His storyline here worked well-enough, once you got used to the idea of Gopher being serious. If anything, Gopher was so sad by the end of it that it suddenly made sense why he’s always telling jokes and trying to avoid any sort of emotional commitment. He’s hurting inside!

The other two storylines were goofy enough to make up for Gopher’s serious turn. Chet Hanson (James McArthur) is on the cruise with his girlfriend, Kim (Susan Buckner). Chet’s wife, Carol, (Joanna Pettet) also shows up on the cruise and gives Chet the papers to sign for their divorce. Chet and Carol are fairly friendly for a divorcing couple but Chet is still upset when Carol buys a ticket for the cruise and ends up staying in the cabin across the hall from him and Kim. Soon, Carol is stopping by constantly and telling Chet about a man that she’s been flirting with. Eventually, Chet realizes that he doesn’t want to get a divorce and he and Carol get back together. That really sucks for Kim, who is surprisingly tolerant of being followed around by her boyfriend’s wife. This storyline really did leave a sour aftertaste. Chet was a jerk and Kim deserved better.

Finally, Ed “Flash” Taylor (Milton Berle) and Jack McTigue (Alan Hale, Jr.) were both boxers in their youth. They fought one legendary fight, in which they not only beat the Hell out of each other but also knocked out the referee. Now, they are both cruise line executives and they both end up on their boat at the same time. As soon as they see each other, their rivalry reignites and they prepare for a rematch on the boat. When Captain Stubing tries to stop the fight, he is accidentally knocked out by the two boxers. Somehow, this leads to peace between Ed and Jack and not to Captain Stubing suing his bosses for punching him. Seriously, the Love Boat is floating HR nightmare.

This was an okay episode, largely due to Gopher’s unexpectedly sad story. The other two stories were just goofy but, when it comes to The Love Boat, the goofiness is the point.

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Gun 1.6 “Father John”

Posted on November 7, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Gun, an anthology series that ran on ABC for six week in 1997. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

Tonight, we finish up Gun!

Episode 1.6 “Father John”

(Dir by Jeremiah S. Chechik, originally aired on May 31st, 1997)

Father John, the final episode of Gun, is also one of its worse. The only thing keeping it from being the absolute worst is that Robert Altman directed that episode that dealt with the country club presidency and then there was that episode with Daniel Stern as the guy having an elaborate Hollywood fantasy and, of course, there was last week’s episode with Kirsten Dunst…. actually, now that I think about it, of the six episodes of Gun that were produced, Father John is in the top 3 but only by default.

The episode stars Fred Ward as John Farragut, a newspaper columnist who is also a recovering alcoholic and who is always struggling to keep up with his alimony payments to his ex-wife, Joyce (Brooke Adams). John doesn’t have much faith in the world but he has always worshiped his Uncle John, a priest for whom he was named. When Uncle John dies, nephew John is shocked to discover that his uncle not only died with a lot of money hidden away in his room but that he also owned the pearl-handled gun that appears in every episode of this series. What secrets were being hidden by Uncle John!?

Nephew John sets out to find out. At first, he assumes that his Uncle must have been having an affair with a woman named Gloria (Angela Alvarado) but he then comes to learn that Gloria (whose real name is Gabriella) is a refugee who was rescued from a sex trafficking ring by his uncle. Uncle John had the gun to protect Gabriella and now, it’s time for his nephew to continue to protect her.

It sounds pretty straight-forward and, to be honest, there really aren’t any unexpected twists in this episode. That said, the episode itself is incredibly overwritten. We not only get to watch as living John tries to solve a very simple mystery but, even worse, we have to listen to his narration as he tells us the details of what he’s doing. Of course, we can already see what he’s doing so it all feels a bit redundant. The narration itself is so hard-boiled that it feels almost like a parody of the detective genre and I found myself wondering why anyone would want to read anything written by a man whose narration is essentially a collection of clichés. John Farragut is the type of guy who says, “If you sleep with dogs, you wake up with fleas,” as if he think he’s the first person to ever come up with it. Surprisingly, Fred Ward is very much miscast as John Farragut. With his weathered face and his weary tone, it’s hard to buy Ward as someone who 1) still hero-worships anyone and 2) would still be crying about having never met his father. Farragut appears to be nearly 50 and he’s still whining about stuff that most people get over or have figured out by the time they graduate college. Farragut’s actions often only make sense if you accept that idea that he is impossibly naïve about the world and that’s not the feeling one would ever get from a character played by Fred Ward.

With this episode, Gun ends on a boring note but, then again, it was never a particularly exciting series to begin with. For all the notable actors who appeared in Gun, it’s hard to think of any stand-out episodes or performances. If I had to rank the episodes, it would go something like this:

That’s not a very impressive list, to be honest. Gun perhaps would have worked better if there had been some sort of continuity as far as the gun itself was concerned. Perhaps the show would have worked if there had been a feeling of the gun following a natural journey from owner to owner. Instead, it just randomly showed up in each story and sometimes, it was important and, far more often, it was just a prop. The show certainly had nothing to say about American gun culture. It was an uneven show. The opening credits featured U2 covering Happiness Is Warm Gun and Bono’s overbaked interpretation of the lyrics felt appropriate for this show’s flashy but shallow style.

Next week, there will be a new show in this time slot. What will it be? Uhmmmm …. ask me next week.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 3.22 “My Fair Pharaoh/The Power”

Posted on November 7, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. Almost the entire show is currently streaming is on Youtube!

This week, Fantasy Island goes to ancient Egypt!

Episode 3.22 “My Fair Pharaoh/The Power”

(Dir by George McCowan, originally aired on May 10th, 1980)

This week, Mr. Roarke welcomes two people with two very different fantasies. Neither one of their fantasies really make much sense but you know Mr. Roarke. He’s going to give the people what they want, unless he takes some sort of personal dislike to them. Then, they’re totally going to get screwed.

Lucy Atwell (Joan Collins), for instance, has always fantasized about going back to ancient Egypt and living the life of Cleopatra. Now, you may wonder why that is, seeing as how Cleopatra lost every man that she ever loved and was eventually killed by an asp. But no matter! Mr. Roarke sends Lucy into the past and Lucy quickly discovers that …. wait a minute! She’s not Cleopatra! Instead, she’s a part of the harem of Ptolemy (Michael Ansara)! What the Hell, Mr. Roarke!? What part of “I want to be Queen of Egypt” sounds like “I want to be a part of some old guy’s harem?”

However, Lucy does look exactly like the real Cleopatra and that might be useful, seeing as how the real Cleopatra is currently being held prisoner. After a proper amount of royal training, Lucy fills in for Cleopatra and gets to meet and fall in love with Marc Anthony (Ron Ely). When the real Cleopatra is killed by an asp, the fake Cleopatra gets to rule Egypt and it all works out nicely until …. the fantasy ends.

Oh well, it was a nice weekend. Time for Lucy to go home except …. who is that waiting for the airplane? Why, it’s Marc Anthony! Except his real name is Eric Williams and apparently, he was just a guy living out a fantasy of his own. He always wanted to know what it would be like to be Marc Anthony because who hasn’t fantasized about briefly ruling Rome and then being exiled and hounded to death by the forces of Augustus? Anyway, Lucy finds her love and Joan Collins finally gets to play Cleopatra, the role that she was nearly awarded in 1960 before Elizabeth Taylor was selected instead.

Meanwhile, in the episode’s comedic fantasy, dorky Fred Webster (Larry Linville) wants to impress his girlfriend, Laura (Julie Sommars) by being telekinetic. What? Seriously, that’s how he wants to impress her? I mean, it’s Fantasy Island! Ask for a better job or a nicer car or something. Anyway, Fred gets his power of telekinesis and uses it to cheat at gambling. This brings him to the attention of Stephanie (Carol Lynley) and her goons. When Fred realizes that Stephanie is evil, Stephanie has Laura kidnapped but she’s forgotten that Fred has telekinesis and can just mentally cause a fishing net to wrap up her and her men. This was an extremely silly fantasy. In fact, it was too silly for its own good, right down to the scenes where Fred’s eyes take on a green glow while he uses his powers.

This was a pretty forgettable episode but at least there were some nice costumes in the Egyptian fantasy. Next week, season 3 comes to an end.