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Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Highway to Heaven 1.8 “A Divine Madness”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Highway to Heaven, which aired on NBC from 1984 to 1989.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi and several other services!

This week, things get a bit silly on the highway.

Episode 1.8 “A Divine Madness”

(Dir by Michael Landon, originally aired on November 7th, 1984)

Oh, this episode.

Years ago, a ruthless land developer named Arthur Krock (Ron Moody) built a castle for his beloved wife.  Tragically, his wife passed away and Arthur had a nervous breakdown.  Now, he spends all of his time in his castle and he believes that he actually is King Arthur.  He says that he’s waiting for the return of his Guinevere.  Only Marian (Helen Kleeb), his loyal maid, has remained with him over the years.  He, of course, calls her Maid Marian even though that’s a Robin Hood reference and not anything from the Arthurian legends.

Though the elder Arthur Krock is still the head of his company, the day-to-day business is handled by his son, Arthur Krock, Jr. (played by a young and beardless Jonathan Frakes).  Bitter over his unhappy childhood, Arthur, Jr. is just as ruthless as his father once was.  Arthur, Jr. has a 12 million dollar deal to force a woman named Gwen (Jean Allison) off of her land and he’s determined to get it done, even if it means displacing all of the dogs that she and her veterinarian son (Scott Stevenson) look after.

Arthur, Sr.’s daughter, Linda (Ellen Maxted), hires two new handyman and you can probably already guess that they’re going to be Jonathan and Mark.  Working around the castle, Jonathan arranges for Arthur, Sr. to meet Gwen.  When Arthur, Sr. discovers that Gwen is short for Gweneviere, he announces that she can stay on her land.  Arthur, Jr. goes to court to get his father declared incompetent.

Can you guess what happens?  Well, if you think that Arthur, Sr. hires Jonathan to be his lawyer and then announces in court that he has not been the father that he should have been …. you’re absolutely correct!

When people talk about Highway to Heaven being a campy or cheesy show, it’s usually episodes like this that they’re talking about.  Unabashedly sentimental in its approach, this episode suffers from the fact that Arthur, Jr. has a point.  Arthur, Sr. is clearly mentally ill and allowing him to run the company is totally unfair to his employees and the people who have invested in his business.  Just because Arthur, Jr. isn’t particularly likable, that doesn’t make him incorrect.  If the episode had merely portrayed Arthur, Sr. as an eccentric who didn’t want to have to deal with the pain of the real world, that would be one thing.  But this episode has Arthur, Sr. living in a literal castle, sitting on an actual throne, and referring to his son as being Lancelot.  It’s all just a bit too much and Ron Moody’s over-the-top performance doesn’t particularly help.  To the show’s credit, it does eventually acknowledge that Arthur, Sr. needs some help but still, the whole thing just feels a bit …. well, silly.

Next week, Jonathan and Mark help a movie star become a better father!  Hopefully, he doesn’t think that he’s Prester John or Robin Hood or anyone like that.

Retro Television Reviews: Jennifer Slept Here 1.7 “Trading Faces”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Jennifer Slept Here, which aired on NBC in 1983 and 1984.  The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

This week, Jennifer discovers that she can possess people!

Episode 1.7 “Trading Faces”

(Dir by John Bowab, originally aired on December 2nd, 1983)

While watching Invasion of the Body Snatchers, Joey suggests that Jennifer may be capable of possessing people.  Joey’s theory is that, just as Jennifer can walk through walls, she can also step into people’s bodies and control them.  This seems like an odd theory for Joey to just come up with.  Personally, I think Joey has been obsessing on this for a while.

Still, Jennifer says, “It’s worth a try!” so she crouches down and steps into the body of Joey’s bratty little sister, Marilyn (Mya Akerling).  And, it works!  Jennifer is able to possess Marilyn!  It’s a good thing that worked, I guess.  I mean, what if Marilyn died as a result of Jennifer trying to walk through her?  How would Joey have explained that?

Jennifer is so excited about possessing Marilyn that she then proceeds to possess Joey’s best friend, Marc (Glenn Scarpelli).  “Joey,” Jennifer-as-Marc says, “you have such beautiful eyes.”  Joey freaks out but Jennifer is having a ball.  The audience thinks its hilarious because this show is from the 80s.

The next morning, as the family eats breakfast, father George (Brandon Maggart) announces that he has a special guest coming by the house, a Spanish film producer (Henry Darrow) who is also an ex-boyfriend of Jennifer’s!  (“Jennifer,” George announces, “was like Will Rogers.  She never meet a man she didn’t like!”)  George tells Joey to act normal and not yell at any invisible people during the producer’s visit.

Of course, it’s not Joey that George should be worried about.  That night, when the producer shows up, Jennifer possesses George’s wife, Susan (Georgia Engel), and she flirts with the producer!  Uh-oh, what if George finds out?  What if this leads to divorce?  What if Joey is sent back to New York and suddenly, Jennifer no longer has anyone to harass?

Jennifer really didn’t think this through.  Or maybe she did and realized that George is the worst person in the world so who cares about destroying his career, marriage, and family?

Anyway, while possessing Susan, Jennifer kisses the producer.  When George witnesses this, Jennifer hops out of Susan’s body, leaving Susan totally clueless as to why George is so upset.  This leads to Jennifer once again possessing Susan so that she can declare her love for George and say that the producer was actually the one who put the moves on her and then George decides to punch out the producer but then the producer says that women are always throwing themselves at his feet and Jennifer realizes that the producer wasn’t that hot after all and then she steps into George’s body so that she can tell off the producer and….

AGGGGGGH!

Sorry.  As you may have guesses, this whole episode was a bit too frantic for its own good but, to give credit where credit is due, both Georgia Engel and Brandon Maggart did credible Ann Jillian impersonations when their characters were possessed.  Still, in the end, the sleazy producer decided to hire George as his lawyer and George accepted his offer because George is the worst person in the world and doesn’t have the self-respect necessary to kick the misogynistic old lech out of his house.  Wow, that’s kind of depressing.  Jennifer’s dead, everyone thinks that Joey is crazy, and George is so desperate for money that he’ll even take it from a guy who just tried to break up his marriage.  This show is dark!

Next week, Jennifer helps Joey beat up the school bully!

Last Night Retro Television Review: Monsters 1.7 “The Legacy”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing Monsters, which aired in syndication from 1988 to 1991.  The entire show is streaming on Tubi.

Tonight’s episode of Monsters is …. surprisingly good!

Episode 1.7 “The Legacy”

(Directed by Jeffrey Wolf, originally aired on December 3rd, 1988)

Dale (David Brisbin) is a film teacher and a writer who is hoping to make his name and reputation by writing the authoritative biography of actor Fulton Pierce.  Pierce was silent film horror actor who, much like Lon Chaney Sr, was noted for his ability to physically transform himself into the monsters that he was playing.  Dale not only wants to write about the events of Pierce’s life but he also wants to explain how Pierce was able to play so many different monsters.

In order to get into Pierce’s mind, Dale moves into Pierce’s former home.  When Dale comes across Pierce’s old makeup box, he is convinced that he’s finally found the secret of Pierce’s success.  When he opens the makeup box and looks at the mirror within, he seems not his face but instead the face of some of Pierce’s most fearsome characters, including a disfigured monster and a cackling mad scientist.

For the record, the mirror apparitions are inspired by The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari, Thomas Edison’s Frankenstein, Phantom of the Opera, and maybe London after Midnight.

Dale’s girlfriend, a model named Debbie (Lara Harris), fears that Dale is wasting his time on a book that no one is going to care about.  When she drops by the house and discovers that Dale hasn’t even been able to come up with an opening line for his masterpiece, she gives him an ultimatum.  He can either spend the rest of his life trying to write his book or he can marry her but she’s not going to wait forever.  She tells him to “Make up your mind!” Dale latches onto the phrase “Make up your mind!,” shouting that he now knows how Fulton Pierce pulled off his amazing transformations.

I was pretty much wearing the same outfit when I watched this episode.

At first Debbie thinks that she has made a real break-through with Dale but later, that night, she wakes up to find Dale standing in front of a mirror and staggering around like one of Fulton Pierce’s monsters.  She also discovers that the first chapter of the book is just the phrase Make Up Your Mind written over and over again.  Has Dale’s obsession led him to madness or has he truly been possessed by the spirit of Fulton Pierce?

Someone’s losing it.

This episode of Monsters was based on a short story by Robert Bloch and certainly, the plot is more intriguing than any of the stories that preceded it.  How exactly does an actor become a character and, more importantly, can you play a monster without becoming one yourself?  Can one enter the mind of a madman without becoming mad themselves?  (One wonders if Bloch, who was reportedly very much a no-nonsense personality, was satirizing the excesses of method acting.)  Though the episode is only 21 minutes long, the story doesn’t feel rushed and the deliberate pace helps to create a properly ominous atmosphere.  Add in two strong performances from David Brisbin and Lara Harris and you have the best episode of Monsters so far.

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 3.16 “Making the Grade/The Gift/Doc’s ‘Ex’ Change”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, Doc Bricker gets his moment in the spotlight.

Episode 3.16 “Making The Grade/The Gift/Doc’s “Ex” Change

(Dir by Gordon Farr, originally aired on December 15th, 1979)

Since the very first episode of The Love Boat, viewers have continually been told that Doctor Adam Bricker is a notorious swinger, a lothario was has been married numerous times and to whom almost every woman is immediately attracted.  There’s really not much about Bernie Kopell’s likable but rather mild-mannered performance as Doc that would lead anyone to think that any of that would be true but the show insists that Dr. Bricker is a legend of the high seas.

On this week’s episode, Doc’s most recent wife, Samantha (Juliet Prowse), boards the ship.  She and Doc split up a few years ago and they have a friendly relationship.  However, when Samantha informs Doc that her crooked lawyer never actually filed their divorce papers, Doc realizes that they are technically still married!  Will they get a quickie divorce in Mexico (which is Doc’s first idea) or will the give marriage another try?  (That’s Doc’s second idea.)  In the end, they realize that they are just too different to make a marriage work.  Samantha is smart and practical, while Doc is …. well, actually, Doc is the exact same way.  Doc insists that he and Samantha don’t have much in common but actually, they have a lot in common.  I think Doc is kind of fooling himself into thinking that he’s more of an impulsive wild man than he really is.  Anyway, at the end of the cruise, they decide to get divorced but at least they still like each other.  Doc never quit gets his heart broken like the rest of the cast does.  I guess that’s why he’s a legend.

Meanwhile, Vicki finally gets someone her own age to hang out with when Danny Harris (Johnny Timko) boards with his mother, Madeline (Jessica Walter).  Unfortunately, Danny is also kind of a spoiled brat and he’s really not happy when he discovers that his teacher, John Hurley (Dick Gautier), is also on board.  And then Danny is even more upset when John starts to romance Madeline.  And really, Danny has a point.  No one wants to see their teacher (or their boss) while they are on vacation.  And seriously, no one wants to deal with the idea of their teacher (or, again, their boss) suddenly becoming their stepfather.  That said, Danny eventually makes peace with the idea of his mom dating his teacher and everyone leaves the boat happy.

The final storyline features one of those plots that drives me crazy, because it could have easily been resolved by everyone not acting like an idiot.  Buddy Redmond (Red Buttons) boards the boat with his wife, Joan (Kaye Ballard).  Buddy claims that it’s been years since he last gambled but actually, he’s lying.  He has $2,000 in his suit pocket, money that he got from his bookie.  Joan doesn’t know about it.  When Joan hears that two other passengers, Benny Carter (frequent Love Boat guest star Sonny Bono) and Sally (Ronee Blakely), have lost their luggage, she donates Buddy’s jacket so that Benny will have something to wear at dinner.  When the envelope containing the money falls out of the jacket, Benny and Sally think that all of their financial problems have been solved.  Meanwhile, Buddy desperately wants to get back both the jacket and the money but he doesn’t want his wife to find out why.  Meanwhile, Benny and Sally need the money but they don’t want to steal it if it actually did fall out the jacket so they try to convince themselves that the envelope could have been left in their cabin by a previous passenger who is no longer on the boat.  Seriously, it’s exhausting to try to keep up with these people.  Fortunately, once Buddy discovers that Benny and Sally really need the money, he lets them keep it.  Joan is so touched that she totally forgets about the fact that her husband is apparently still a degenerate gambler.

Even by Love Boat standards, this was a silly episode.  At the same time, it was a pleasant diversion.  Juliet Prowse and Bernie Kopell made a nice couple, even if you never quite bought the idea of Doc being a playboy.  Red Buttons wisely underplayed his role and therefore, Buddy remained sympathetic even while demanding the return of his jacket.  Even Sonny Bono and Ronee Blakely were likable as a nice couple who found themselves in over their heads.  This cruise was silly but pleasant.

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Baywatch Nights 1.1 “Pursuit”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Baywatch Nights, an detective show that ran in Syndication from 1995 to 1997.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

The year was 1995 and Baywatch, a show about lifeguards, was the most popular in the world.  Even though the critics never cared for the show, it got monster ratings.  Having played head lifeguard Mitch Buchanan for 6 years, star David Hasselhoff was growing tired with Baywatch’s format.  He wanted to try something new and that new thing was Baywatch Nights.  During the two years that Baywatch Nights aired, Mitch would spend his days as a lifeguard and his nights as a private investigator!

Baywatch Nights ran for two seasons.  The second season is remembered for featuring Mitch battling aliens, ghosts, and vampires.  The first season featured Mitch dealing with more traditional villains.  For our latest Late Night Retro Television Review, we’ll be looking at both seasons of Baywatch Nights!

Episode 1.1 “Pursuit”

(Dir by Gus Trikonis, originally aired on September 30th, 1995)

The very first episode of Baywatch Nights opens with Mitch Buchanan (played, of course, by David Hasselhoff) speaking directly to the audience.  He’s standing at his lifeguard stand, wearing his signature red Baywatch swim trunks.

“Some people,” Mitch says straight to the camera, “think that the beach closes when the sun goes down.  Uh-uh.  That’s when it really starts to heat up.”  Mitch goes on to explain that he’s working a second job as a private investigator.  His old friend, Garner Ellerbee (Gregory Alan Williams), is a partner in a detective agency with Ryan McBride (Angie Harmon), who was born in Texas, became a detective in New York, and recently moved to California.  Mitch is working with them.  Suddenly, Mitch says that he hopes those watching will enjoy this “new show.”

This brings up an interesting question.  Are we listening to Mitch or are we listening to David Hasselhoff?  If it’s David Hasselhoff talking directly to the audience, his monologue would seem to suggest that he thinks that Baywatch is real life, even though it’s a TV show.  He talks about Garner and Ryan as if they’re real people.  If we’re listening to Mitch Buchanan, that means that he has somehow become aware that he’s a character on a television show.  Has Mitch become self-aware?  Or has he realized that he’s living in some sort of Truman Show-style situation?

These are all questions that will probably never be answered.

As for the episode, it jumps right into things.  Mitch, Garner, and Ryan have their private detective offices located right above a nightclub called — wait for it — “Nights.”  Occasionally, they are helped by Destiny Desimone (Lisa Stahl), a perky blonde who spends her days doing Tarot card readings on the beach and her nights hanging out around the office.  When Ryan can’t figure out how to use a computer, Destiny is there to help  When Mitch and Garner can’t figure out how to have multiple landlines in one office, Destiny figures it all out!  It’s all very 90s, with boxy computers and long telephone cords.

Mitch’s first case involves serving as a bodyguard for a model named Cassidy (Carol Alt).  Cassidy says that someone is stalking her and she’s especially worried because another model has recently been murdered.  (“Her name was Alexa,” Mitch muses as he looks at the murdered model’s body, “This was her last photo session.”)  Mitch protects Cassidy and, of course, he falls for her but, in the end, he realizes that Cassidy has actually been stalking herself and was responsible for the other model’s death.  Mitch is shaken by his discovery of Cassidy’s guilt, even though the exact same thing previously happened to him during the first season of Baywatch, when he fell in love with a woman who turned out to be a black widow murderer.  Mitch muses that he knows how to be a lifeguard but he’s still learning how to be a private eye.

(Mitch, seriously, just watch reruns of Baywatch!  I mean, you’re only one episode into Baywatch Nights and you’re already recycling old plots so I imagine you should just keep doing what you did the first time.)

This episode’s plot is pretty predictable but, for a pilot, it’s likable.  Angie Harmon, Gregory Alan Williams, and David Hasselhoff all have a likable chemistry and, as a Texas girl, I appreciated the fact that Angie Harmon’s accent was authentic.  Mitch narrates the episode in a hard-boiled, private eye manner and David Hasselhoff’s earnest delivery is so at odds with his words that it becomes rather charming.  As a friend of mine once said when we watched him in Starcrash, “Every country should have a Hoff!”

As far as first episodes go, Pursuit does everything it needs to do.  It introduces us to the characters and their personalities.  Ryan is supercool and has really pretty hair.  Destiny is quirky.  Garner is determined.  And Mitch …. well, Mitch is David Hasselhoff.  Wisely, the first episode didn’t spend too much time trying to rationalize the idea of Mitch working all day as a lifeguard and then all night as a private eye.  Realistically, it seems like he would end up too exhausted to be good at either job.  Instead, the first episode simply tells the audience that Mitch is now a detective and that the audience better be willing to accept it.

(Unfortunately, most of the audience didn’t accept it, which is why the second episode featured Mitch dealing with sea monsters and resurrected Vikings.  We’ll get to that in a while.)

Next week, Mitch battles a group of thieves on skates!  Seriously, you know that’s going to be fun!

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 3.23 “Eagleman/Children of Mentu”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986.  Almost the entire show is currently streaming is on Youtube!

This week, season 3 comes to an end!

Episode 3.23 “Eagleman/Children of Mentu”

(Dir by Michael Vejar, originally aired on May 17th, 1980)

As I watched the third season finale of Fantasy Island, I found myself growing a bit sad.  Even though I went into this program knowing that Ricardo Montalban and Herve Villechaize eventually came to despise each other, it’s still a bit jarring to see just how obvious that dislike was by the end of season 3.  Gone were the silly moments of banter that used to start each episode.  Instead, by the end of season 3, each episode opened with same stock footage of Tattoo announcing the plane and then Roarke and Tattoo heading down to the docks to meet their guests.  When Tattoo and Roarke do speak to each other, the actors barely look at each other.  As I said, it’s a shame and it’s hard not to feel that the show itself became a bit less interesting once Roarke and Tattoo stopped interacting.

As far as this week’s fantasies, they both feel somewhat familiar.  There’s a comedic fantasy and a vaguely serious fantasy, both featuring actors who had previously appeared on the show in different roles.  The comedic fantasy features Bob Denver as Morris Binstock who comes to the Island for a business retreat.  Accompanying him is his son, Barney (Keith Coogan).  Ever since the death of his wife, Morris has struggled to connect with his son.  His fantasy is to become his son’s favorite comic book hero, Eagleman!

And he gets his wish.  Roarke has set up an entire Eagleman secret headquarters in the closet of Morris’s room.  Morris puts on the Eagleman costume and he does a flew klutzy things and he gets to fly.  His son is happy.  But is Morris devoting so much time to being Eagleman that he’s running the risk of losing a promotion at work?  After all, a promotion would not only mean more money but it would also be something that would continue to exist, even after Morris left the Island.  It looks like obnoxious Hal Ripley (Larry Storch) is going to get the promotion but when the company’s CEO, H.H. Moran (Jim Backus), discovers that Morris has been pretending to be Eagleman to make his son happy, Moran makes Morris vice president.  H.H. Moran is all about family!

The more serious fantasy features Vernee Watson as Rochelle McKenzie, a reporter who is trying to track down Dr. Arthur Gates (Ralph Bellamy), a millionaire who vanished one day.  Roarke explains that Dr. Gates has been spotted on the nearby Island of Mentu.  Roarke warns her that the inhabitants of Mentu are not friendly and Rochelle will be putting her own life at risk if she goes to the island,

Rochelle still goes to the island and guess what?  Roarke was not lying about those angry inhabitants.  One of the men is horribly scarred.  Another has to use a crutch but still growls at every human he sees.  The island and the natives were exploited by a mining company and now, the natives distrust almost everyone they see.  However, Dr. Gates has decided to dedicate his life to taking care of them.  That’s a good thing because it turns out that the scarred native has a sick child and only Dr. Gates can provide the proper medical attention.

Both stories are fairly silly, though at least Rochelle’s story gives Ralph Bellamy a chance to take on the type of role that was usually given to Ray Milland.  If you only know Bellamy as the guy who was constantly getting dumped for Cary Grant in the 30s and 40s, this episode allows Bellamy a chance to show that he could be a likable and authoritative actor.  As for the Eagleman story, it was kind of uncomfortable to watch because Bob Denver looked like he was in his early 60s and it was hard not to worry about him seriously injuring himself whenever he put on the costume.

There’s an interesting moment in Rochelle’s fantasy, in which she tells Mr. Roarke that she feels foolish coming to the Island in pursuit of a “fantasy.”  She feels that she’s being childish but Roarke explains that fantasies are not childish and that one should always pursue their dreams.  Whether it was intentional or not, this scene serves as a mission statement for the entire series.  Yes, Fantasy Island was frequently silly and childish but, in the end, it still resonates because people will always have dreams and they will always have fantasies.  There will always be a place for Fantasy Island.

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: CHiPs 1.1 “Pilot”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing CHiPs, which ran on NBC from 1977 to 1983.  The entire show is currently streaming on Freevee!

When I was trying to pick a show to review after finishing up Nightmare Café, Jeff suggested that I go with CHiPs, a very 70s show about the adventures of the California Highway Patrol.  I agreed after he showed me two episodes that involved a roller disco.  I mean, how could I resist?

Of course, we won’t get to the roller disco for a while.  That happened at the start of season 3.  Instead, we’re starting at the beginning, with the pilot.  The year was 1977.  Jimmy Carter was president.  Jerry Brown was the governor of California.  And two cops on motorcycles were about to roll into history….

Episode 1.1 “Pilot”

(Dir by Paul Krasny, originally aired on September 15th, 1977)

The pilot for CHiPs doesn’t waste any time in introducing us to our two main characters.  When we first see officers Jon Baker (Larry Wilcox) and Frank “Ponch” Poncharello (Erik Estrada), they’re on their police motorcycles and chasing after a stolen sportscar.  The chase being on the freeway and then eventually leads into Los Angeles.  Unlike the live police pursuits that we regularly see on television, this chase is unique in that there aren’t any other police officers involved, other than Baker and Ponch.  Maybe that’s the way that cops did things in the 70s but it does seem like Baker and Ponch would have had an easier time of it if they had some backup.  As it is, they don’t catch the thief but Ponch does crash his motorcycle.

Sgt. Joseph Getraer (played by Robert “father of Chris” Pine) is not amused to learn that Ponch has damaged another motorcycle.  The pilot wastes no time in establishing that Baker is the responsible, good cop while Ponch is the wild cop who takes risks and is always in trouble with the brass.  In fact, Ponch is on probation because of all the disciplinary reports that have been written against him.  Baker insists that Ponch is a good cop but it does seem like Ponch does manage to frequently crash his motorcycle.

Apparently, Larry Wilcox and Erik Estrada did not get long while they were co-starring on CHiPs.  That’s not surprising.  That tends to happen on a lot shows.  What is interesting is that, even in the pilot, neither one of the actors seems to be making much of an effort to even pretend to like the other.  Whenever Estrada flashes his big smile or dramatically looks up to the heavens, Wilcox looks like he’s having to use every bit of his willpower not to roll his eyes.  I always point out when two performers don’t have any romantic chemistry.  CHiPs is an interesting case where there isn’t even any friendship chemistry.  At no point, during the pilot, do you get the feeling that either Baker or Ponch would really be that upset if the other was reassigned to some other part of the highway patrol.  Even in the scenes where Baker defends Ponch as being a good cop, Larry Wilcox seems to be delivering the lines through gritted teeth. 

As for the episode itself, it really is standard 70s cop show stuff.  The stolen cars are being smuggled in a moving truck and, eventually, Baker and Ponch spot the bad guys on the highway and, after a chase, they catch them.  Of course, before they do that, they deal with two accidents (one involving a glue truck and another featuring a woman trapped in an overturned car and yes, Ponch does get her number) and Baker orders a kid on a bike to pull over so he can give him some advice about riding in traffic.

As I said, it’s all pretty standard.  But that doesn’t matter because, from the first minute we see them, the motorcycles are extremely cool and so are the scenes of Ponch and Baker weaving in and out of traffic while pursuing the car thieves.  Baker may be dull and Ponch might come across as being more than a little flaky but no one is really watching for them.  The pilot is all about celebrating the idea of driving fast on the highway and basically reminding the world that you don’t have to follow the rules, even if you are the one who enforces them!  If you don’t want to join a car theft ring, you can always just get a badge and a motorcycle.  Either way, it’s ton of fun!

For all of the episode’s obvious flaws, it was still easy for me to understand why this pilot led to a series.  Motorcycles are cool!  Will they still be a cool after 100+ episodes of CHiPs?  That’s what we’re about to find out.

Retro Television Reviews: Miami Vice 1.10 “Glades”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing Miami Vice, which ran on NBC from 1984 to 1989.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, Crockett and Tubbs leave Miami!

Episode 1.10 “Glades”

(Dir by Stan Lathan, originally aired on November 30th, 1984)

Episode ten opens with the Animals’s “We’ve Got To Get Out Of This Place” playing on the soundtrack and the camera tracking down some of the less glamorous sections of Miami.  This is a far different part of the city than the viewer is used to seeing on Miami Vice.  The sleek art deco architecture has been replaced by vacant lots, run-down apartments, and torn-up streets.  It serves as a reminder that, while some people in Miami are getting very rich, others are still trapped in the cycle of poverty.

Joey Bramlette (Keith Szarabajka) is staying in a  cheap motel room, courtesy of the Vice Squad.  Joey is due to testify in court against his former boss, a Colombian drug lord named Ruiz.  Joey’s testimony is the key to the entire case but, when he receives a mysterious letter, he escapes the safehouse and flees back to his home in the Everglades.  Though it was Zito and Switek who allowed him to escape, Crockett and Tubbs are the ones who head down to the Everglades to find him.

That’s right …. Crockett and Tubbs aren’t in Miami anymore!

As Crockett and Tubbs soon discover, the Everglades is full of rednecks, smugglers, and enforcers.  Safely hidden away from civilization, it’s a place where there is no law.  After a group of rednecks (led by John Pankow) trick Sonny and Tubbs into getting lost in the wilderness (“Moss grows on the north side of a tree!” Crockett announces as he tries to figure out how to return to civilization), the two cops are found by Joey and his wife, Cassie (Margaret Whitton).  Joey reveals that he still wants to testify but that Ruiz’s men have kidnapped his daughter.  Working together with Joey and his family, Crockett and Tubbs have to figure out how to storm Ruiz’s heavily guarded compound and rescue Joey’s daughter.

This episode was a bit of a change of pace but I enjoyed it.  Some of that is because, when I was growing up, I spent a lot of time in the country and I’ve still got a lot of family out there, working on their farms and living in communities much like the one that Crockett and Tubbs visited in this episode.  I may now be a city girl but I’ve still got my country side.  I can still remember what it was like, walking around the tall grass while wearing short shorts and a tank top.  Though I cringed a bit when it first appeared that this episode was going to portray rural Florida as being the equivalent of Deliverance, I was happy to see that it was ultimately a celebration of the resilience of country people.

There was an interesting subtext to this episode as everyone that Sonny and Tubbs met was a smuggler, either working for Ruiz or independently running marijuana into Florida.  Later, one of the older smugglers mentioned that he used to run moonshine, therefore suggesting that there wasn’t much difference between the War on Drugs of the 1980s and the doomed effort at prohibition of the 1920s.  Miami Vice is a cop show that often suggests that it’s sometimes best not to get too hung up on rigidly enforcing the law.  That’s quite a contrast to most other cop shows that I’ve seen.  Even modern cop shows tend to take the attitude that anyone who violates the law has to be punished in some way, whether by incarceration or death.  Miami Vice may have been about law enforcement but its heart belonged to the libertarians.

Next week’s episode of Miami Vice guest stars Burt Young, Michael Madsen, Lenny Von Dohlen, and Terry O’Quinn!

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Degrassi Junior High 1.9 “What A Night!”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Sunday, I will be reviewing the Canadian series, Degrassi Junior High, which aired on CBC and PBS from 1987 to 1989!  The series can be streamed on YouTube!

This week, it’s a shop-lifting episode!

(Whenever I watch one of these episodes, I’m tempted to send Target a check for all of the makeup that ended up in my purse during my junior year of high school….)

Episode 1.9 “What A Night!”

(Dir by Kit Hood, originally aired on March 15th, 1987)

The very first episode of Degrassi Junior High featured the end of a long friendship.  Disgusted by both Stephanie’s provocative way of dressing and her flirtatious campaign for the class presidency, Voula declared that she no longer wanted to be Stephanie’s friend.  Since that episode, Stephanie has tried to apologize to Voula many times and Voula has not only refused to accept her apology but she’s also somehow gotten even more judgmental.  While I know that the usual reaction of many fans is to condemn Stephanie and defend Voula, I’m totally on Stephanie’s side.  Voula really needs to get over herself and realize that not everyone wants to dress like a Mennonite child bride.  It’s not Stephanie’s fault that Voula’s parents are absurdly overprotective and controlling.

This week’s episode features both a Stephanie plot and a Voula plot.  Even though Stephanie and Voula do not interact, it’s hard to watch What A Night without thinking about how different things would be if the two of them were still friends.  Voula served as a voice of reason for Stephanie and Stephanie was someone who encouraged Voula to have fun in her life without taking things too far.  Both Stephanie and Voula have a pretty bad night in this week’s episode and it probably wouldn’t have happened if they were still friends.

Stephanie, for instance, is happy because her favorite soap opera actor, Damon King (Barry Tull), is in town.  Damon is promoting his new book, Confessions of a Soap Star.  When Stephanie goes to the bookstore to get his autograph, the sleazy, mullet-headed Damon flirts with her.  When Stephanie tells him that she’s 16 (actually, she’s 14), Damon responds by giving her his phone number.

This is where Stephanie could have used Voula’s advice.  Voula would have said, “This actor is going to burn in Hell for putting himself as a false idol before God,” and that probably would have freaked out Stephanie enough to convince her to throw away the number.  Instead, Stephanie is forced to get advice from her two new best friends, the Farrell twins!  Heather Farrell says, “Be careful” but Erica Farrell says, “Go for it!”  And since Erica is the more talkative of the two, it is Erica’s advice that Stephanie takes.

Stephanie calls the number and Damon tells her to wait for him outside of a shabby looking convenience store.  Stephanie sneaks out of the house and finds herself waiting, for way too long, in the worst part of Toronto.  Finally, Damon shows up in his sports car.  Stephanie gets into the car and Damon immediately starts grabbing at her.  Shouting that she’s only 14, Stephanie jumps out of the car.  Damon drives off and Stephane calls her mom for a ride home.

Voula, meanwhile, has been hanging out with Lucy Fernandez and tutoring her on her spelling skills.  After Lucy gets a good grade her spelling test, she celebrates by taking Voula out to the mall so that Voula can get some clothes that make her look a little less Amish.  Voula says that she doesn’t have any money for clothes but Lucy explains that she won’t need any money because …. LUCY IS A COMPULSIVE SHOPLIFTER!

Voula freaks out when Lucy stuffs a sweater in her bag.  In fact, Voula freaks out so much that a clerk notices her and Lucy and calls security.  Despite attempting to run both up and down an escalator, they cannot escape the stern-faced, bilingual Canadian security guards.  Both Lucy and Voula are dragged down to the Toronto police station.  Voula’s parents eventually show up to get Voula but Lucy’s parents are out of town.  And, since this isn’t the first time that Lucy has been caught shoplifting, she’s going to be charged!  Don’t worry, though.  This is Canada so Lucy only has to do a few hours of community service.

What’s weird about this is that Voula is very forgiving of Lucy getting her arrested.  Sure, Voula is mad at first but, the very next day, she forgives Lucy and agrees to keep tutoring her.  Voula feels sorry for Lucy because Lucy’s parents are never home.  So, Voula will never forgive Stephanie for kissing Joey Jeremiah and wearing a short skirt but she’s totally fine with Lucy almost causing her to get a criminal record?

Seriously, Voula’s the worst!

This episode was pretty good.  I think what sets this episode of Degrassi apart from all the other teen shows that have deal with shoplifting and sketchy men is that both stories felt like they developed naturally from the personalities of the characters involved.  Stephanie sneaking out to meet up with Damon totally fit in with all of the other times that she’s tried to prove that she’s more “grown up” than she actually is and it’s another reminder that Stephanie actually is fairly naïve about the world outside of high school.  Voula and Lucy becoming friends makes total sense when you consider that 1) Voula hasn’t really had close a friend since she got mad at Stephanie and 2) Lucy and Stephanie have so much in common that it makes sense that a scorned stalker like Voula would select Lucy as her new obsession.  (Seriously, Voula’s bitterness towards Stephanie borders on Fatal Attraction territory.)  And Lucy’s shoplifting makes sense when you consider that her parent’s apparently have next to nothing to do with her.  It may sound like a cliché to say that Lucy is acting out to her parent’s attention but that doesn’t make it any less true.

Next week: Rick become an environmentalist in a bid to impress Caitlin!  If this sound familiar, that’s because, two decades later, Sean would do pretty much the same thing to impress Emma.

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Check It Out 1.6 “Seven Days Make A Week”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Saturdays, I will be reviewing the Canadian sitcom, Check it Out, which ran in syndication from 1985 to 1988.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, Howard once again proves himself to be worst boyfriend ever.

Episode 1.6 “Seven Days Make A Week”

(Dir by Gary Plaxton, originally aired on November 6th, 1985)

So far, the first season of Check It Out! has been dominated by stories dealing with the romantic relationship between Howard and Edna.  I’ve never really bought their relationship.  Some of it is because Howard and Edna have supposedly been together for six years but they still often come across as just being work acquaintances.  They seem more like friends than lovers, which makes all of the jokes about their sexual difficulties somewhat jarring.  Just how devoted Howard and Edna are to each other seems to change from episode to episode.  Unfortunately, Don Adams and Dinah Christie didn’t really have enough chemistry to help the audiences accept them as being a couple.

This episode, for example, finds Howard flirting with a health food representative named Michelle (Laura Dickson).  Michelle has set up a table in the store and, because she’s wearing a cleavage-baring leotard, she soon has the attention of every guy in the store.  Edna is concerned because she is planning on visiting her sister in Florida for a week and she doesn’t want to leave Howard alone with Michelle.

Fortunately, cashier Leslie (Aaron Schwartz) tells Edna that the last time that he and his boyfriend went on vacation together, Michelle was a guest at the resort and she was accompanied by her girlfriend.  Edna says that women who are friends often go on vacation together.  Leslie explains to Edna that Michelle and her girlfriend were more than just friends.  Edna is overjoyed!  Not only will she be on vacation but, while she’s gone, Howard will be humiliated when he tries to date a lesbian!

Seriously, this is does not sound like a healthy relationship.  Edna is putting off her vacation because she’s convinced that Howard (who is also her boss, which brings up a whole other set of ethical questions) is going to cheat on her as soon as she leaves.  But then she decides that she can go on vacation, not because she has any faith in Howard staying loyal to her but because she’s convinced that he’ll feel foolish once he does try to cheat on her.  It never seems to occur to Edna that Michelle could have been bisexual or that Leslie might just have his information wrong.

Because …. guess what?

Leslie does have his information wrong!  As soon as Edna leaves, Michelle tells Leslie that she and her girlfriend only pretended to be lovers so that all of the men at the resort would leave them alone.  Leslie panics, especially when Michelle asks Howard if he wants to come by her apartment and have dinner.  Howard agrees but — fear not! — Howard later tells Edna that he decided not to cheat on her because Michelle was boring.

(Myself, I’m trying to understand the idea of uptight, middle-aged Howard as being someone that anyone would fight over.)

Eh.  Edna is so happy that Howard ultimately deciding not to cheat on her that she kind of overlooks the fact that he was planning on doing so in the first place. This episode required the audience to care about Howard and Edna’s relationship but since the relationship doesn’t really make sense, neither does the episode.