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Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 3.10 “Class of 69/The Pug”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986.  Almost entire show is currently streaming is on Youtube!

This week, boxing comes to Fantasy Island!

Episode 3.10 “Class of 69/The Pug”

(Dir by Earl Bellamy, originally aired on November 24th, 1979)

Once again, this episode opens with no banter between Mr. Roarke and Tattoo.  Instead, Tattoo announces the arrival of the plane and rings the bell and then he and Mr. Roarke head down to the docks to meet their guests.  This is the third episode in a row without any pre-guest banter and I have to admit that I’m really missing it.

As for this week’s guests, they’re an improvement on last week’s rather forgettable offering.

Joey Lee (Gary Collins) is a former heavyweight boxer who comes to the Island with his son, Mitch (K.C. Martel).  Joey thinks that he’s just been hired to serve as a sparring partner for the world champion, Jackson Malone (Fred Williamson).  Jackson has a title defense coming up, right on the Island.  What Joey doesn’t know is that Mitch’s fantasy is for his father to have a shot at the championship.  When Malone’s opponent has to drop out of the fight, Joey is named as a substitute.  Mitch is excited, until he finds out that Joey is being pressured to take a dive in the third round.  Will Joey throw the fight?  And, even if Joey doesn’t, how will Mitch react to seeing his father getting pounded in the face by the world champion?  Will Mitch learn that his love for his father is more important than his father’s championship?

This fantasy was a typical Rocky rip-off, right down to Fred Williamson doing a credible Apollo Creed impersonation.  The problem, of course, is that the middle-aged and mild-mannered Gary Collins was in no way credible as a heavyweight boxer.  The fact that the world champion was played by an actual athlete didn’t help matters.  (It’s true that Carl Weathers, like Williamson, was also a football player before he played Apollo but Sylvester Stallone himself had been an amateur boxer before he played Rocky so it was easier to buy the idea of their match going the distance.)  In the end, I liked the fact that Mitch realized that his father’s health was more important than being champion.  The fantasy had a nice ending, even if it’s difficult to buy the set-up.

The other fantasy featured Adrienne Barbeau as Brenda Richards.  When she first arrives on Fantasy Island, Tattoo comments on how obese Brenda is, even though she’s only a few pounds overweight.  (Adrienne Barbeau wears a very unconvincing fat suit.)  Mr. Roarke explains that Brenda was humiliated at her high school prom when her date, arrogant jock Lance (Tim Thomerson), tricked her into undressing in the gym before then bringing in the entire senior class in to laugh at her.  (Yikes!)  The high school reunion is being held on Fantasy Island and Brenda’s fantasy is to get revenge.  Roarke gives her a potion which allows her to be thin for 48 hours.  (In reality, Barbeau just ditches the fat suit.)

At the reunion, Brenda tricks Lance into taking off his wig.  The entire senior class discovers that Lance is totally bald and they laugh and laugh.  Everyone is impressed with Brenda’s revenge except for Brenda’s old high school friend, Bernie Drexel (Fred Grandy, taking a break from The Love Boat).  Brenda sees that she was just as cruel to Lance as he was to her back in high school so she makes a public apology and encourages everyone to be kind to one another.  Barbeau then puts the fat suit back on.  Bernie says that Brenda will always be the most beautiful woman that he knows.  Awwwww!

I actually liked this fantasy, largely because of the chemistry between Barbeau and Grandy.  Plus, Tim Thomerson made a great arrogant jock.  I know that some people will say that this episode featured too many jokes about Brenda’s weight (especially considering the fact that, even before drinking the potion, Brenda was hardly obese) but I appreciated the fact that it had an anti-bullying message.  And if her romance with Bernie inspires Brenda to eat healthy and start getting regular exercise, all the better!

At the end of the episode, Mr. Roarke tells Tattoo that beauty is in the eye of the beholder.  “To me,” Mr. Roarke says, “you are six feet two inches tall.”

Uhmmm….yeah, I don’t know how I feel about that ending.  It seems like the show, whether intentionally or not, is saying that Tattoo will be forever unloved because of his height.  Even without the pre-guest banter, Roarke is finding ways to passive-aggressively taunt his assistant.  That’s life on Fantasy Island.

Retro Television Reviews: Hang Time 6.5 “Have No Fear” and 6.6 “At The Movies”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing Hang Time, which ran on NBC from 1995 to 2000.  The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

Will you always remember you and your friends at Hang Time?

Episode 6.5 “Have No Fear”

(Directed by Miguel Higuera, originally aired on October 21st, 2000)

Temple U. comes to Deering to offer Silk a full scholarship to attend their college and play basketball for their team.  At first, Silk is excited but then he makes the mistake of playing a little basketball with the college players.  It turns out that they’re a hundred times better than Silk!  Silk then discovers that Temple expects its players to practice everyday, to attend every away game, and to maintain a B average.  Silk decides that it’s too much to deal with and announces that he would rather go to Atlantic University.

“Atlantic sucks!” Eugene exclaims.

Anyway, Coach K eventually tells Silk that he need to take the chance and go to Temple.  Personally, I think Silk had every right to be concerned because, over the past few seasons, it’s not like Silk has ever been that good of a player.  For instance, he’s never the one who shoots the game-winning basket.  He’s never the one who risks getting hooked on pills because the team will lose if he’s not on the court.  He’s never been the one who has gotten an oversized ego after being featured in a magazine.  By the standards of Hang Time, he’s a below-average player.  Why does Temple want him as opposed to Michael or Julie?

All that said, Silk still decides to take a shot and go to Temple.  Good for him.

Meanwhile, in the far more amusing B-plot, Julie and Kristy buy a car together but then spend all of their time arguing over who is a better driver and who gets to use the car on which night.  This is another one of those plots where Mary Beth acts as an agent of chaos.  She’s the one who suggests that Kristy and Julie should get the car together and, for some reason, she tags along when Kristy and Antonio and Michael and Julie go on a double-date together.  At this point, I think the only  reason why Mary Beth is still attending classes at Deering is so she can cause stir the drama.  That’s actually kind of neat.  It suggests that Mary Beth knows that she’s in a television show and that she understands that this particular episode needed some silliness to make up for all of the uninteresting stuff with Silk.  Good for Mary Beth!

Episode 6.6 “At The Movies”

(Directed by Miguel Higuera, originally aired on October 28th, 2000)

Oh God.

This episode features Dustin Diamond playing himself.

Antonio and Kristy are both working at the movie theater as a part of their “work study program.”  (Why can’t they just get a job?  Why does it have to be a part of a program?)  Anyway, Kristy is appointed assistant manager and decides that a sure way to make money would be to do a midnight showing of Saved By The Bell: Wedding in Vegas.  And because the other members of the Saved By The Bell cast had all moved on to real careers by the time this episode was filmed, the show had to make due with Dustin Diamond showing up as the special celebrity guest.  Yes, Dustin plays himself but still speaks in his annoying Screech voice.

I don’t want to talk too much about it.  I pretty much zoned out as soon as Dustin arrived.  I feel a little bit bad about that because Dustin Diamond did not have a particularly happy life and died far too young but, still, he was so annoying whenever he did the whole Screech thing.  Add to that, you may remember that, a few seasons ago, Dustin Diamond made a cameo appearance as Screech.  And before that, Mary Beth went to Space Camp with Ryan Parker, a student at Bayside.  So, what’s the deal, Hang Time?  How is Screech both real and fictional at the same time?

Meanwhile, Mary Beth freaked out after she had a romantic dream about Eugene.  This led to Mary Beth going out on a date with Eugene to see if she actually had feelings for him.  (Uhmm, Mary Beth …. remember that you have a boyfriend going to Duke?)  It turned out that Mary Beth didn’t and that’s a good thing.  We already suffered through Mary Beth dating Vince.

Anyway, the important thing is that everything worked out in the end.  With the help of Dustin Diamond, Antonio learned a lesson about being a good employee and Mary Beth realized that she wasn’t in love with Eugene.  Yay!

Next week: Hammer returns!

Lisa Marie’s Week In Television: 8/6/23 — 8/12/23

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Big Brother (24/7, CBS and Paramount Plus)

I wrote about Big Brother here!

The Challenge USA (Thursday Night, CBS)

The latest season of this reality show premiered this week.  I kind of watched it but, to be honest, I got bored and tuned out after 20 minutes or so.  As far as I can tell, The Challenge mostly seems to exist to give work to former reality show contestants who don’t want to return to their former lives.

City Guys (YouTube)

I wrote about City Guys here!

Claim to Fame (Monday Night, ABC)

The remaining contestants finally figured out that Hugo was Jimmy Carter’s grandson and they sent him packing.  I’m enjoying this show, though I’m still annoyed all of my favorites have been eliminated.  That said, Hugo wasn’t one of my favorites so this week was a good one.

Dr. Phil (YouTube)

Despite being opposed to Dr. Phil on general principle, I did have the show on for background noise while I was getting some work done on Tuesday.  The first episode featured an out-of-control teen who got sent to rehab.  Phil said that the parents were ultimately to blame and, for once, I agreed because her parents really were the worst!  The 2nd episode featured a man who somehow thought it would be okay to live with both his wife and his mistress in the same house.  Dr. Phil explained why this arrangement probably would not work.  The 3rd episode featured a woman who hired a nanny off of Craig’s List and who was shocked when the Nanny turned out to be a bit shady.  The fourth episode featured a former beauty pageant contestant who was now an out-of-control teen.  Dr. Phil sent her to a mental health facility, which led to a lot of tears.  It was awkward.  I’m not sure I agree with Dr. Phil’s solution.  I think it was more about making the audience happy than helping the child.  Finally, for the fifth episode, I watched an episode about two sisters who claimed they would never accept their new stepmother.  The family was a complete mess.  I felt bad for the stepmother.

The Love Boat (Paramount Plus)

I wrote about The Love Boat here.

Saved By The Bell (MeTV)

On Sunday morning, I watched three full hours of Saved By The Bell.  Zack started dating Kristy, the new wrestler.  But then, in the next episode, he was suddenly trying to date Slater’s ex-girlfriend from Germany, showing that Zack definitely had commitment issues.  Zack then had an operation on his knee and returned to school in time to convince everyone to not allow oil drilling on Bayside’s property.  (Poor Becky!)  Then, it was time to rig a chess tournament and head to the mall so that he and his friends could buy tickets to (snicker) the U2 concert.  The common factor in all of these episodes was everyone putting way too much faith in Screech.

Solid Gold (YouTube)

I watched an episode of this old 80s music show on Sunday night.  The episode I watched was from 1982 and it featured some good music and a lot of dancing so I enjoyed it.

Stars on Mars (Monday Night, Fox)

The Lance Armstrong redemption has come to an end as Armstrong left “Mars” this week.

T. and T. (Tubi)

I wrote about T. and T. here!

Welcome Back, Kotter (Tubi)

I wrote about Welcome Back Kotter here!

Yes, Minister (Monday Morning, PBS)

In the special one-hour Christmas special, Jim Hacker became Prime Minister!  While it’s true that he became PM because everyone was impressed by the fact that he had no strongly held beliefs, it was still hard not to be happy for him.  I love this show.

Retro Television Reviews: Welcome Back Kotter 1.20 “The Telethon” and 1.21 “Kotter Makes Good”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Welcome Back Kotter, which ran on ABC  from 1975 to 1979.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

It’s exam time!

Episode 1.20 “The Telethon”

(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on February 12th, 1976)

Gabe tells Julie about the time he went to visit “my uncle, Mo Kotter, in the hospital.”  Uncle Mo was in an oxygen tent.  Gabe accidentally stepped on his air hose.  Uh-oh!

At school, Gabe shows up for class and immediately makes the Sweathogs groan by announcing that it’s time to take a test.  He passes out the test papers and Freddie announces that this is a test that he can pass.  Yay!  I’ve always felt that Freddie was actually one of the smarter Sweathogs and I’m glad to see that he is finally making an effort to excel academically and …. oh wait.  Freddie is just pointing out that the test papers are blank because the school’s Xerox machine has broken down.

Yes, the school desperately needs money.  But how can the Sweathogs raise money for their much-needed supplies?  Barbarino volunteers to sell kisses.  Freddie suggests stealing hubcaps.  Horshack starts shouting, “Let’s put on a show!”  Gabe argues that no television station — not even public access channel 52.4 — would agree to air a Sweathog telethon.  However, Mr. Woodman stops by the classroom to gloat about how, due to budget cuts, the remedial Sweathog class is going to have to be cut, unless the Sweathogs can come up with $700.  Realizing the seriousness of the situation, Gabe and the Sweathogs invite the president of channel 52.4 to the school so that he can see the Sweathogs perform Me and My Shadow.  Needless to say, the Sweathogs get their telethon!  Will they be able to raise $700?

(Seriously, no one had an extra $700 lying around?)

The telethon is broadcast live from Gabe’s classroom and even Mr. Woodman shows up in a tux.  “I sing!” he explains.  Once the show goes live, Gabe (of all people) freezes up on camera so Julie has to grab the microphone from him and explain the purpose of the telethon.  Julie proceeds to sing a deliberately off-key version of Let Me Entertain You.  Juan Epstein sings a version of “Day-O” while playing the bongo drums.  Freddie sings a song and turns out to be just as off-key as Julie.  Gabe and Horshack do a somewhat disturbing routine where Gabe pretends to be a ventriloquist and Horshack pretends to be the dummy.  Barbarino sings his “Ba-Ba-Barbarino song.”  And I have to admit that I actually laughed at all this.  I’ve seen a lot of “let’s put on a show” episodes from the 70s and this is one of the first where the point is that no one is as talented as they originally claimed.  It’s a fun little twist.

As the telethon comes to an end, Gabe realizes that they still need to raise $22 to make their goal.  (Can’t Gabe just donate $22 from his next paycheck?)  Anyway, Gabe’s mom calls and offers to donate $22 if Gabe sings some silly song from his childhood.  Gabe sings something about apple pie and — yay!  The Sweathogs are saved.  Woodman sings My Way as the telethon comes to a close.

Back the apartment, Gabe asks Julie if he’s ever told her about his Uncle Ben.  “Did he make rice?” Julie replies. Gabe explains that Ben didn’t make rice but that he was schizophrenic.

Anyway, the important thing is that the Sweathogs raised $700 without having to contribute any money themselves.  New York City really is a generous city.

Episode 1.21 “Kotter Makes Good”

(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on February 19th, 1976)

Gabe asks Julie if he’s ever told her about the time that his cousin Brucie didn’t want to go to school because all the student made fun of him.  Aunt Elsie told Brucie that he had to go to school because, “You’re 37 and you’re the principal.”

At school, the Sweathogs are worried about exam week.  Horshack makes out his last will and testament because his father is going to kill him when he sees his grades.  (Yikes!)  Epstein has a note from “Epstein’s mother,” requesting that he be excused from exams because he’ll be attending the Ecumenical Council in Rome.  Gabe attempts to encourage the Sweathogs to just study and take the tests but he is interrupted by Mr. Woodman, who drops by to announce that Gabe never took his senior exams.  Horshack says that Gabe should just take the upcoming exams with the Sweathogs.

Back at the apartment, Gabe searches for his old school records while Julie tells him that he needs to study.  Suddenly, the Sweathogs show up to help Gabe study.  Epstein brings the blackboard from school.  (“It just fell off the wall,” Epstein says.)  Horshack shows up dressed like Mr. Kotter and asking Julie if she wants to hear a joke about his uncle.  Though it takes a while, especially with Gabe deciding to show the Sweathogs what its like to teach them (“Hi there,” Gabe repeatedly says to Freddie), Gabe eventually realizes how much his students care about him and he decides to study with them.

At the school, a chagrined and twitching Woodman tells Gabe that he made a mistake and Gabe actually did take his senior exams while a student at Buchanan High.  Gabe, however, takes the makeup exams anyways.  He passes every exam, though he does come very close to failing his Algebra test.  The Sweathogs celebrate by singing a version of the Mickey Mouse Club song.

Back at the apartment, Gabe tells Julie about his Aunt Selma, who was a lousy driver and parked her car in the kitchen.  This is followed by a second joke, in which Gabe tells Julie about two brothers who always went fishing.  The jokes probably would have been funnier if Gabe had been able to tell them without Julie interrupting him every few minutes.  This was one of those episodes were you could really see that there was some truth behind the stories of Marcia Strassman hating her time on the show.

This was one of those episodes that worked primarily due to the chemistry between the members of the cast.  Horshack’s Kotter impersonation was surprisingly effective and John Sylvester White’s unhinged performance as Woodman was, once again, a highlight of the episode.

Next week: Barbarino becomes a priest and the first season ends!

Retro Television Reviews: T. and T. 1.1 “Extortion in Chinatown” and 1.2 “Mug Shot”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing T. and T., a Canadian show which ran in syndication from 1987 to 1990.  The show can be found on Tubi!

Now that we’ve finished up The Master, it’s time to review a new show on Fridays.  After much thought, I’ve decided to go with a Canadian show called T. and T., which featured Rocky III‘s Mr. T as an ex-con turned private investigator who worked for a crusading lawyer named Amy Thaler (Alex Amini).  Why did he work for Amy?  Let’s let the opening credits explain things:

The show was also produced in Canada for their Global Television Network but it aired in syndication in the United States and, despite the fact that it was technically a drama, each episode was only 30 minutes long.  So, feel free to think of T. and T. as being a part of the Degrassi Cinematic Universe.

Episode 1.1 “Extortion in Chinatown”

(Directed by Doug Williams, originally aired on January 11th, 1988)

“In this episode, an extortion ring turns up the heat in Chinatown.  It’s up to Amy and me to put out the fire!”

So begins the first episode of T and T, with Mr. T gruffly telling us what’s going to happen in the episode that we’re about to see.  This is followed by the opening credits, in which we get the backstory about how T.S. Turner (Mr. T) was thrown in prison for a crime he didn’t commit and how Amy Taler (Alex Amini) got him released so that he could work for her as a private investigator.  It’s a good thing that the opening credits tell us all that because the episode itself doesn’t provide any sort of backstory for T.S. or Amy.  If you were a viewer who missed the opening credits, you would have no idea why T.S. and Amy were working together.  To be honest, I’m a bit confused by the conditions of T.S.’s release.  It sounds like he was released specifically so he could work with Amy.  So, if Amy fires him, does that mean T.S. goes back to jail?

While leaving court, T.S. and Amy are approached by their teenage friend, Renee (Rachael Crawford), who introduces them to her friend, Kin Ling (Wayne Lam).  Kin explains that his father, Ho Ling (Harvey Chao), owns a grocery store in the city’s Asian district but that he is being extorted by a gangster named Quang (Leonard Chow).  Unfortunately, the Lings are undocumented and fearful of going to the authorities.  While Amy tries to make a deal with the prosecutor’s office to keep the Lings from being deported, T.S. confronts Quang at his health club.  T.S. tells Quang to back off so Quang sends his thugs down to a gym owned by T.S.’s friend, Decker (David Nerman).  When T.S. sees that Decker has been beaten up, he decides to confront Quang at his office.

“A couple of your boys took their chopsticks to a friend of mine, didn’t do his health no good!” T.S. explains to Quang.  Quang throws a ninja star at T.S., which causes T.S. to pass out.  Quang’s men stuff T.S. in the trunk of their car and drive out to a river so that they can dump his body.  However, it turns out that T.S. has woken up in the trunk and, as soon as they stop the car, T.S. bursts out of the trunk and tosses Quang’s men into river.

“I can’t swim!” one of them shouts.

“Then surf!” T.S. snaps back.

T.S. returns to Ling’s shop, just in time to capture Quang and to save the shop from being blown up.  (It’s a good thing he did, since both Amy and Ho Ling were tied up in the shop.)

“Mr. Quang,” T.S. says, “Don’t you know what is taken by force is lost by force?  So, take a long look around you because it’s going to be a long time before you see this place again!”

Later, at the courthouse, Amy informs Ho Ling that he was now have “official status” in Canada.  “Welcome aboard, brother,” T.S. adds.

This was an odd first episode.  You would expect the show to start with Amy getting T.S. out of jail and maybe some sort of explanation about how T.S. is now going to work as her private investigator.  Instead, as the show opens, it appears that Amy and T.S. have been partners for a while and there’s very little said about either one’s backstory.  As an introduction to the characters, the show failed but perhaps the backstory doesn’t matter when the star of the show is a performer like Mr. T.  As for show’s actual plot, it was a bit predictable and Quang was not exactly an intimidating villain but, with only a 30-minute running time, at least the action moved quickly.

Episode 1.2 “Mug Shot”

(Directed by George Mihalka, originally aired on January 25th, 1988)

“In this episode,” Mr. T informs us, “an innocent picture turns into a deadly situation as Amy and I get a lesson in photography.”

Sounds like fun!

“He sings pretty good but he just don’t rap!  And rappin’ is where it’s at!  Can you dig it?” is what Mr. T has to say when Amy asks him if he’s ever heard of a singer named Adam Dalton (Mark Holmes).  Dalton’s manager, Sam Roman (Rex Hagon), is suing Amy’s newest client, photographer Kate Richardson (Marnie McPhail).  Roman is suing for two million dollars because he wants possession of some pictures that Kate took of Dalton.  Kate is insulted that Roman is only willing to pay $5,000 for them.

Amy and Turner investigate why Roman is so determined to get those pictures and it turns out that is has nothing to do with Adam Dalton.  In fact, Dalton turns out to be a nice guy who takes Amy out to dinner and then insists on helping T.S. solve the case.  Instead, it turns out Kate took some pictures of the owner of a trucking company mere moments before he was murdered by a bunch of union goons.  Evil union boss Gallagher (Terry Harford) is pressuring Roman to get the pictures.  Take that, North American labor movement!

It may seem like a big case but, due to the show’s 30 minute run time, it’s resolved quickly.  Gallagher tries to attack Kate and Amy at Kate’s studio.  T.S. grabs him and tosses him through a door in slow motion.  Kate is so grateful that she gives T.S. a camera and Adam and Amy go to lunch.  Awwww!

This episode opened with a really fun scene in which Adam filmed a music video while surrounded by dancers who were holding plastic tommy guns.  And I actually enjoyed the scenes of the gruff T.S. Turner having to deal with the perpetually enthusiastic Adam.  That said, this is an episode that really would have benefitted from an extra 30 minutes.  The mystery was kind of intriguing but the resolution ultimately felt a bit too rushed.

Next week, T.S. confronts the man who framed him!

Retro Television Reviews: City Guys 5.21 “Anchors Aweigh” and 5.22 “Video Killed The Radio Star”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing City Guys, which ran on NBC from 1997 to 2001.  Almost the entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

This week, Ms. Noble is finally retiring!

Episode 5.21 “Anchors Aweigh”

(Dir by Frank Bonner, originally aired on November 24th, 2001)

Here’s this episode’s plot description, via Wikipedia:

The time for Ms. Noble’s retirement and the gang’s graduation is drawing near and everybody is excited, except for Dawn. Witnessing the preparation for next year and the new changes being made at the school makes Dawn uneasy. She begins to become anxious about moving on from Manny High and the thought of being apart from her friends when they all go their separate ways in the fall.

Ms. Noble’s retiring?  It’s about damn time!  I mean, I understand that Ms. Noble didn’t have much of a life outside of telling people who to do but still, it seems like it would get boring after a while.  Then again, maybe she was just retiring so she could follow the Chris and Jamal to college and continue to yell at them for not devoting more time to church and charity.  As for Dawn’s feelings, I can relate.  I felt the same way when I graduated high school.

Unfortunately, there are many season 5 episodes that are not available to stream and this is one of them.  So, this is as good a review as this episode is going to get.  Let’s move on to an episode that actually be reviewed.

Episode 5.22 “Video Killed The Radio Star”

(Directed by Frank Bonner, originally aired on November 24th, 2001)

No, your eyes are not deceiving you!  Because Ms. Noble is retiring, the graduating class of Manny High decided to pool their money and put a cheap-looking bust of her in front of the school.  Ms. Noble is certainly excited but seriously, in what world would this happen?  Graduation is coming up.  People are making plans to either go to college or get a job.  Everyone should be moving on from high school and instead, the students are spending their money on a statue of their principal?  Who, in the world, loves their principal this much!?

Now, it should be noted that someone does immediately starts vandalizing the statue, which is perhaps the most realistic thing that has ever happened on City Guys.  At first, the statue is covered in clown make up.  Then someone puts an Abraham Lincoln beard on it.  Finally, Ms. Noble spends the night in the courtyard, pretends to be her own statue, and discovers that Al and L-Train are behind the vandalism because, of course, they are.  It’s not like there’s any other students at the school.

As dumb as the whole statue subplot is, it’s nowhere near as bad as this episode’s A-plot.  Ms. Noble tells Chris and Jamal that there is an opening to produce a television show for Manny High.  (Manny High has a television studio?)  Chris and Jamal both say that they don’t need to be on TV as long as they have their radio show.  Instead, Dawn, Cassidy, Al, and L-Train end up producing an abomination called Muffy The Werewolf Slapper.

Yes, Muffy is meant to be a parody of Buffy The Vampire Slayer.  And yes, everyone at Manny High loves it even though it’s not that funny.  (Dawn and Cassidy plays cheerleaders who love Freddie Prinze, Jr. and fighting werewolves.  L-Train and Al are the werewolves who just want to date Dawn and Cassidy.)  Unfortunately, since Muffy airs at the same time as Chris and Jamal’s radio show, Chris and Jamal lose all of their listeners.  (I’ve always been stunned at the idea of anyone setting their schedule around Chris and Jamal’s tired radio schtick.)  Feeling jealous, Chris and Jamal sabotage the recording of an episode of Muffy.  Feeling guilty, they confess on the radio and then appear on the next episode of Muffy, playing two cheerleaders who try to steal Al and L-Train away from the werewolf slappers.

It was dumb.  The whole thing was just mind-numbingly dumb.  Watching these final episodes of City Guys, one gets the idea that everyone involved in the show mentally checked out long before shooting their final episode.

Speaking of final episodes, it’s only two weeks away!  Finally, some good news.

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 2.27 “Third Wheel/Grandmother’s Day/Second String Mom”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, the second season of The Love Boat comes to a close.

Episode 2.27 “Third Wheel/Grandmother’s Day/Second String Mom”

(Dir by Gordon Farr, originally aired on May 12th, 1979)

 It’s time for a special Mother’s Day cruise!

Gopher is excited because his mother, Roz (Ethel Merman), and his father, Eliot (an unwell-looking Robert Cummings), will be on the ship.  As quickly becomes clear, Gopher takes after his mother.  Like her son, Roz is impulsive, loves show business, and has issues with recognizing boundaries.  As soon as she boards the boat, she and Gopher are singing songs and imitating the Marx brothers.  Eliot, on the other hand, is quiet and reserved.  Interesting enough, Eliot has quite a bit in common with Captain Stubing.  Seeing Eliot and Stubing interact, the viewer suddenly understands why Gopher is always looking for the Captain’s approval.  Gopher and Eliot have a distant relationship and Gopher now sees Stubing as being more of a father figure to him than his own father.  Awwwww, how sad!

What’s even more sad is that it is easy to see that Eliot would like to be closer to his son.  He just doesn’t know how to go about it and he knows that he can’t compete with Roz’s carefree personality.  When Gopher and Roz agree to perform a number at a special Mother’s Day variety show, Eliot becomes jealous.  He claims that he’s worried that Roz is somehow going to embarrass Gopher in front of his co-workers but it’s obvious that Eliot is the one who is embarrassed by his lack of a relationship with his son.  It all works out in the end, of course and Gopher becomes closer to both of his parents.

Meanwhile, Mac O’Brian (Barry Nelson, best-known for being the first actor to play James Bond and for playing Mr. Ullman in Kubrick’s The Shining) is looking forward to a life of retirement.  Except, his wife, Maggie (Nanette Fabray), keeps having dizzy spells.  Doc examines her and announces that, despite the fact that she’s nearly 60, Maggie’s pregnant!  Maggie worries about how tell her husband, who has made it clear that he feels that he’s earned a rest from worrying about children.  At first, Mac doesn’t take the news well but never fear.  Things work out in the end because it’s The Love Boat!

Finally, Mary Noble (Michele Tobin) and her sister, Judy Noble (Shelly Juttner), are on their cruise with their father (Ken Berry) and his new wife (Beth Howland).  At first, they go out of their way to be rude to their new stepmother but eventually, they realize how happy she makes their father and they come to accept her.  Once again, everyone gets a happy ending on The Love Boat.

Despite the fact that it featured Gopher’s parents and offered up some insight into what made one of the show’s main characters tick, this episode of The Love Boat was pretty forgettable.  The success or failure of a show like this all comes down to chemistry and none of the guest stars on this particular episode seemed to have any.  Robert Cummings, in particular, looked absolutely miserable throughout the entire cruise while Barry Nelson and Nanette Fabray seemed more like strangers having a random hook-up than a longtime married couple.  I did like the storyline about the stepparent but that’s just because I could relate to the two sisters because I know me and my sisters had a tendency to get a bit bratty whenever we felt anyone was trying to take our mom away from us.  But, in the end, even this storyline felt like something The Love Boat had done better in the past.

Sadly, the second season of The Love Boat came to end with not a bang but a whimper.  Next week, we start season 3!

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 3.9 “The Dancer/Nobody’s There”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986.  Almost entire show is currently streaming is on Youtube!

The past two weeks of Fantasy Island saw Mr. Roarke getting married (and losing his wife) and Tattoo getting his heart broken.  Will this week’s episode be just as dramatic?  Read on to find out!

Episode 3.9 “The Dancer/Nobody’s There”

(Dir by Gene Nelson, originally aired on November 17th, 1979)

For the third week in a row, this episode of Fantasy Island features Mr. Roarke and Tattoo heading straight to the docks so that they can meet their guests without making any time for any Roarke/Tattoo banter.  On the one hand, the scenes where Tattoo would tell Roarke about his latest scheme were always a bit awkward because of the obvious bad feelings between Ricardo Montalban and Herve Villechaize.  On the other hand, they did reveal that Tattoo had a life outside of just following around Mr. Roarke.  I will be a little bit sad if they’re gone forever.

As for this week’s fantasies, neither one adds up too much.

Big Jake Farley (Max Baer, Jr.) is a big, strapping cowboy who will tell anyone who will listen that he’s from “Big D.”  (“It’s a mite south of Heaven.”)  I’m from Big D too and I will admit that I’m a bit sensitive when it comes to the whole “All Texans are cowboys” stereotype so I pretty much spent this entire fantasy in cringe mode.  Big Jake wants to meet Valeska de Marco (Carol Lynley), the ballerina whose hard work and perfectionism inspired him when he was just a penniless cowpoke.  Now that Big Jake is a wealthy rancher and oilman, he wants to marry Valeska and take her back to the ranch.  Unfortunately, Valeska is already engaged to Stuffy Q. Borington III (Howard Morton).  When Valeska suffers a career ending injury, will Big Jake be able to convince her to come open an acting school in Big D and will Mr. Roarke help everyone’s fantasy come true?

You already know the answer.  Everyone gets a happy ending on Fantasy Island, except for that time Mr. Roarke got married.

Eh.  Considering that this fantasy combined several of my favorite things — ballet, Texas, tropical islands — it’s a bit of a shock just how boring it turned out to be.  The main problem was that there was zero chemistry between Baer and Lynley.  Both of them came across as if they would rather be anywhere but on Fantasy Island.

As for the other fantasy, it featured Toni Tennille as Betty Foster, a former fast food worker turned private investigator.  Her fantasy was to solve a big case.  With Roarke’s help, Betty was hired by Contessa Christina Kastronova (Stepfanie Kramer) to accompany the Contessa to the reading her cousin’s will.  The Contessa felt her cousin had been murdered and she feared she might be next.  Betty pretended to be the Contessa during both the reading of the will and the subsequent night spent in a scary, dark house with all of the Contessa’s relatives.  Anyway, Dick Sargent turned out to be the murderer and Betty realized that she’d rather marry one of the Contessa’s relatives than continue on as a private eye.

As far as this fantasy went, I liked the scary house and I found the scene where Roarke and Tattoo debated which one of them should stay behind with Betty to be amusing.  (Tattoo, of course, ended up having to stay.)  But the mystery didn’t add up too much.  To be honest, as soon as Dick Sargent showed up, I knew he was going to be the bad guy.  I mean, I’ve seen Clonus.

Especially when compared to the previous two episodes, this episode was fairly forgettable.  Everyone got their fantasy but no one made much of an impression.

Retro Television Reviews: Hang Time 6.3 “The Gospel According to Silk” and 6.4 “The Enforcer”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing Hang Time, which ran on NBC from 1995 to 2000.  The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

This week, Silk’s aunt dies and Julie nearly kills another player.  It’s a dangerous time in Indiana!

Episode 6.3 “The Gospel According To Silk”

(Dir by Miguel Higuera, originally aired on October 7th, 2000)

The team is confused as to why Silk never wants to go to kareoke night with them.  They decide to follow Silk to find out what he does after each game.  They discover that he goes to a church so, of course, they decide to follow him inside so they can find out what he does in there.  Uhmmm …. it’s a church.  What do they think he’s doing in there?  Seriously, the people were the worst about not giving anyone any privacy.

Anyway, it turns out that Silk and his Aunt Charlotte (Jennifer Holliday) sing in a gospel choir.  (Have I mentioned how much I dislike gospel music?)  While sitting in the church, the team demands to know why Silk hadn’t been telling them that he sings in the choir.  Uhmmm …. people, you’re in a church!  You’re interrupting a rehearsal!  You’re in a place of worship!  LEAVE SILK ALONE!  He doesn’t have to tell you about every single aspect of his life.

Anyway, now that Aunt Charlotte has been introduced to everyone, she does what every guest star on this show does and she goes to the school to watch the Tornadoes practice.  Charlotte also tosses the ball and makes a few baskets.  Charlotte explains that she can do anything with “faith and a little prayer.”  Then Charlotte goes home, has a heart attack, and, despite all of Silk’s prayers, dies.

Uh-oh, Silk is losing his faith!  Fear not, though, Charlotte’s ghost appears to him at church and tells him not to despair.  Shows like Hang Time were always a bit cringey whenever they attempted to deal with religious faith but Danso Gordon did a good job portraying Silk’s pain and his eventual acceptance of Charlotte’s passing.

As for the B-plot, Coach K and Mary Beth competed to win a car by seeing who could stay in it the longest.  In the end, they both lost because they were both outside of the car when time ran out.  Or something.  It was dumb and it definitely felt out-of-place in this episode.

Episode 6.4 “The Enforcer”

(Dir by Miguel Higuera, originally aired on October 14th, 2000)

“I was watching the tape of our first three games,” Coach K tells the team at practice, “and I wasn’t happy with what I saw….”

Uhmmm, Coach K, the first episode of the sixth season had the team on the verge of making the playoffs and bragging about their undefeated season.  Why are you only now watching the tape of your first three games?

(The real answer is that NBC showed the final 26 episodes out-of-order.  The fun answer is that Coach K is just extremely slow.)

Coach K is worried that Julie isn’t being aggressive enough.  In their upcoming game against Montrose, the Tornadoes will be facing Dave Carter (Riley Smith), a player who is so good that he’s going to go straight from high school to the NBA despite the fact that he looks way too short to be a basketball player.  Dave’s NBA dreams are shattered with Julie knocks him down to the floor and he tears some ligament in his knee.

Guilt-stricken, Julie loses her competitive edge.  Fortunately, when she goes to visit the wheelchair-bound Dave in the hospital, he tells her that he doesn’t hate her and that she has to “take the shot.”  So, Julie gets back to normal and Dave …. well, I guess he’s going to be stuck in Indiana for the rest of his life.  As always, the important thing is that Julie’s doing better.

Meanwhile, a malfunctioning ATM gives Kristy thousands of dollars.  Unfortunately, it also causes both she and Mary Beth to have bad luck until they give the money away.  As bad as their luck may be, at least they weren’t put in a wheelchair by Julie.  Seriously, poor Dave!

I’m being a bit snarky but this wasn’t a bad episode.  Learning how to deal with guilt is an important lesson and Hang Time deserves some credit for addressing it.  That said, it’s still hard not to notice that the NBA-bound Dave didn’t really appear to be that good of a player in the first place.  I mean, considering that Dave, who we were told was the best player in the history of Indiana high school basketball, didn’t appear to be better than any of the Deering players, shouldn’t the entire cast by NBA-bound?

Next week: Silk is offered a scholarship and a special guest stars shows up for movie night!

Lisa Marie’s Week in Television: 7/30/23 — 8/5/23

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Big Brother finally started this week so say goodbye to my free time!

Big Brother 25 (CBS and Paramount Plus, All The Time)

I wrote about the 25th season of Big Brother here!

Claim to Fame (ABC, Monday Night)

Nooooooo!  Not Olivia!  Sadly, Olivia was eliminated this week when she failed to guess to whom Karsyn was related.  Olivia was my favorite so …. well, I’ll still watch the show but now I’m just watching because I want to see people eliminated.  This show is so addictive.

Geraldo (YouTube)

On Sunday, I watched an episode of this old talk show from the 80s in which a brawl between Nazis and civil rights leader Roy Innis led to Gerald Rivera getting his nose broken.

The Moment Of Truth (YouTube)

I had totally forgotten about this incredibly mean-spirted game show that aired on Fox back in 2008.  Basically, people took a lie detector exam and they received money for each question they answered truthfully.  If they were caught in a lie, they lost all of their money.  Needless to say, the questions got progressively more and more personal.  The episode that I watched on Tuesday featured a woman who won money by admitting that she had been fired from stealing, that she kept secrets about her father from her mother, and that she would leave her husband for her ex-boyfriend.  Then the woman was asked if she felt she was a good person and her reply of “Yes,” was found to be deceptive so she lost everything.  It was one of the most awkward things that I’ve ever seen.

Naturally, I had to watch another episode on Wednesday.  Paul won $100,000 but he also disgusted his girlfriend and family by confession that he felt he could never be loyal to one woman and that was paid for sex while in college.  Again, it was awkward but compulsively watchable.

Sally Jessy Raphael (YouTube)

On Sunday, I watched an episode called “He’s Not Good Enough For My Daughter.”  Everyone on the show was pretty trashy and it was kind of hilarious watching Sally try to act like she was hosting a serious discussion.

Stars on Mars (Fox, Monday Night)

Andy Richter has been eliminated and to be honest, I’m surprised.  Andy’s funny but I think he’d be a little bit annoying to travel to another planet with.

The Steve Wilkos Show (YouTube)

On the episode that I watched on Sunday night, a woman was upset because a “crazy psycho” was stalking her boyfriend.  It turned out that the boyfriend wasn’t quite as innocent as he claimed, which I saw coming from a mile away.  I enjoyed this episode.  It was like an incredibly over-the-top Lifetime movie.

On Monday, I was so depressed, after watching a film called The Honeymoon Killers, that I tried to cheer myself up by watching two episodes.  The first one featured Steve kicking an abuser off his stage and that was fun to watch.  The second featured a woman who thought her boyfriend was gay and who demanded that he take a lie detector test to prove that he was straight.

On Tuesday, I watched an episode in which a man pretended to have a heart attack to avoid stepping out on stage and seeing the son who he had abandoned years ago.  The audience was not impressed.  The audience was even less impressed with the woman at the center of the next episode that I watched.  Her six children had been taken away from her by the Department of Child Welfare and she was determined to have a seventh child with a teenager who appeared to be suffering from some sort of brain damage.  It was disturbing to watch, to say the least.

You Don’t Know Jack (YouTube)

This was a game show, based on the computer game, that aired on ABC in 2001.  It was hosted by Paul Reubens.  I watched an episode on Saturday morning.  The questions were pretty easy.  The main attraction of the show was to watch Reubens play the role of the hilariously shallow game show host.  It was amusing, though the humor seemed like it would work best in small doses as opposed to on a weekly basis.