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Late Night Retro Television Review: Baywatch Nights 2.1 “Terror of the Deep”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Baywatch Nights, a detective show that ran in Syndication from 1995 to 1997.  The entire show is currently streaming on You tube!

Tonight, we start the second season of Baywatch Nights!  It’s like an entirely new show!

Episode 2.1 “Terror Of The Deep”

(Dir by Gregory J. Bonnan, originally aired on September 29th, 1996)

The second season begins with a few changes.

The open titles are now dark and atmospheric, featuring David Hasselhoff walking through the fog.  Lou Rawls’s theme song has been replaced by a creepy but very danceable instrumental track.

Mitch, Ryan, Eddie, and Donna are all back but Garner is no longer listed in the opening credit.  Nor is he mentioned in tonight’s episode.  Instead, Mitch’s new best friend is a world traveler named Diamont Teague (Dorian Gregory).  Diamont is an expert on the paranormal.  He believes that the truth is out there.  Donna spots Diamont walking along the pier and immediately mentions how mysterious is.

No mention of Mitch being a private detective is made during the second season premiere.  Instead, this episode open with Mitch doing lifeguard things.  He rescues a woman who is discovered floating in the ocean.  The woman screams in terror after she’s resuscitated.  Diamont thinks that the woman might be a survivor of a freighter that sunk a few days previously.  Diamont also thinks that the freighter was taken down by a tentacled monster that lives in the ocean.

Largely to prove his friend wrong, Mitch recruits Eddie and Ryan to help him track down and explore the freighter.  While Ryan remains on their boat and stays in communication via radio, Eddie and Mitch dive into the ocean and explore the freighter.  Guess what? Diamont was right!  There is a tentacled monster living inside the freighter and now, it’s after Eddie and Mitch!

With this episode, Baywatch Nights totally changed directions, going from being a detective show to a somewhat goofy rip-off of The X-Files.  For the most part, the second season of Baywatch Nights was a lot of fun but you wouldn’t necessarily know it from this episode.  Terror of the Deep takes place almost entirely underwater, with Mitch and Eddie spending most of their time in wet suits that make it very difficult to figure out which one is which.  The underwater scenes are also rather darkly lit, which I assume was done to both create atmosphere and also disguise the fact that the tentacled monster wasn’t really that impressive.  However, the scenes are often so dark that it becomes difficult to tell what is actually happening on screen.  This was an episode with a simple plot that often felt incoherent because I was never quite sure where Mitch and Eddie were in the freighter or if they were even still together.

This episode also overlooks the fact that one of the best things about the first season was the playful chemistry between David Hasselhoff and Angie Harmon.  Instead, we get Mitch swimming with Eddie while Ryan stays on board the boat and is reduced to saying, “Copy that,” over and over again.  This episode really did end up feeling like a lost opportunity.

But no worries!  The rest of the second season is going to be a lot of fun.  For instance, next week, Mitch faces off against a killer mermaid!  It should be entertaining.

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 4.22 “Hard Knocks/Lady Godiva”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984.  Almost the entire show is currently streaming on Daily Motion.

Welcome to Fantasy Island, where Mr. Roarke does whatever he wants.

Episode 4.22 “Hard Knocks/Lady Godiva”

(Dir by Don Weis, originally aired on May 9th, 1981)

Sheila Godfrey (Michelle Phillips) comes to Fantasy Island with a simple fantasy, one that Mr. Roarke manages to totally screw up.

Sheila grew up in Montana and loves horses.  Because she was often ill while she was growing up, she was often not allowed to ride as much as she would have liked.  Now, she wants to be the world’s most famous female equestrian.  To me, this seems like a pretty simple and straight-forward request.  Sheila is asking to be famous for riding a horse.

Roarke, however, decides that Sheila’s fantasy is that she wants to be the most famous female equestrian in history.  And, in Roarke’s opinion, that means that Sheila wants to be Lady Godiva.  Now, setting aside the idea that Mr. Roarke is suddenly such a stickler for detail that he’s forcing Sheila to go with a literal translation of her fantasy (which is something that no other guest has ever had to deal with), is Lady Godiva truly the most famous female equestrian ever?  Katharine Hepburn used to ride horses.  Belle Starr used to ride horses.  Joan of Arc rode a horse on occasion.  What about Annie Oakley?

But let’s accept that Sheila’s fantasy is to become Lady Godiva.  Roarke doesn’t even do that!  Instead, he gives her a magic horse named Lancelot, which Sheila rides into medieval England.  And, in the past, Lancelot turns into a donkey and Sheila is promptly arrested for poaching on a nobleman’s land.  Sheila ends up a servant to Lady Godiva (Gunilla Hutton), who is being imprisoned in her own castle for criticizing the taxes that her husband, Leo (Ken Berry, who is very much not British), has placed on the people living on his land.  When Leo says that he’ll release his wife and lower the taxes but only if she’ll agree to humiliate herself by riding her horse naked, Godiva agrees.  However, before the ride, she is given a magic potion that knocks her out.

It falls to Sheila to disguise herself as Godiva and take the famous ride.  The servants respect her decision and turn their back as she rides by on a horse.  Well, one guy does take a look and gets yelled at as a result.  “You’ll always be known as Peeping Tom!”

Sheila returns to the present and is somehow not upset about the fact that she really didn’t get her fantasy.  (Not only did she not get the fantasy she asked for but she didn’t even get the fantasy that Roarke claimed she was asking for.  I mean, even if we accept that Sheila’s fantasy was to be Lady Godiva, that didn’t happen.  Instead, she became a servant who pretended to be Lady Godiva.)  Roarke agrees to send her Lancelot and also informs her that handsome Sir John Apensdale (Patrick Wayne), who Sheila fell in love with while in the past, was actually a Montana rancher who was having a fantasy of his own.  And he’ll be happy to teach Sheila how to ride!

Meanwhile, Steve Pryor (Philip Levian) comes to the Island with the fantasy of being a hard-boiled detective.  Roarke gives Steve his fantasy and even provides him with a mentor to offer him advice.  Who is that mentor?  The ghost of Humphrey Bogart (played by Robert Sacchi)!  Only Steve can see Bogart, which leads to a lot of scenes of people wondering why Steve is talking to himself.

The case involves delivering a package, picking up a key to a safety deposit box, and dealing with a femme fatale (Martha Smith).  It’s a pretty simple case, to be honest.  But at least Steve gets to hang out with Bogart.  And, to give credit where credit is due, Robert Sacchi’s Bogart impersonation was spot-on.

This episode was silly enough to be likable.  That said, I do think Sheila could probably sue Mr. Roarke for not actually granting her fantasy.  Seriously, I wonder how many lawyers Mr. Roarke kept on retainer.

Late Night Retro Television Review: CHiPs 2.1 “Peaks and Valleys”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing CHiPs, which ran on NBC from 1977 to 1983.  The entire show is currently streaming on Freevee!

This week, the second season begins.

Episode 2.1 “Peaks and Valleys”

(Dir by Phil Bondelli, originally aired on Sept. 16th, 1977)

The second season premiere of CHiPs brings some changes.

Most noticeably, the theme song has been redone and now, instead of being driven by the horn section, it now features a bass-driven disco beat.  From the minute the new version of theme song begin, you know that you’re watching a show that was filmed in the heart of the 70s.

Secondly, the second season premiere is considerably less gritty than any of the episodes that aired during the first season.  If the first season concerned itself with showing the day-to-day duties of the members of the California Highway Patrol, from the mundane to the occasionally exciting, the second season announces from the start that it’s about fast cars, fast motorcycles, and slow motion crash footage.

Ponch is considerably more competent in this episode than he ever was during the first season.  For his part, Getraer no longer seems to dislike Ponch as much as he did just a few months ago.  No mention is made of Ponch being on any sort of departmental probation.  Now, Ponch is as professional and competent as Jon Baker.

Finally, the California High Patrol now has a new chief mechanic.  Harlan Arliss (played by Lou Wagner) is short, sarcastic, and wears a tie along with his white mechanic coat.  Arliss is not impressed with the way Baker and Ponch treat their motorcycles, though he seems to reserve most of his ire for Baker.  (“Your tire pressure is low!”)  Arliss may seem like he is overly critical but he also keeps a really cute dog at the garage.

That said, some things remain the same.  As always, Baker finds himself feeling unappreciated.  The episode opens with a camper the crashes in slow motion.  The driver, Bob Niles (a bearded Troy Donahue), suffers a spinal injury as the result of someone moving him after the accident.  Niles can’t remember exactly who moved him and it appears that Baker, Ponch, and the Highway Patrol might get sued.

Then Baker burns his hand saving a man from a burning vehicle.  And a little child shoots a toy gun at Baker.  And then two rednecks call in a fake emergency so that they can shoot up a police car.  Is it any surprise that both Baker and Ponch are tempted to quit the force and take a job selling used cars for Baker’s high school friend, Stan Bosca (Richard Gates)?

Fortunately, Bob does get his memory back and remember that it was a bunch of construction workers who moved him.  So, it sucks for those well-intentioned workers (hello, lawsuit!) but at least Baker and Ponch are off the hook.  And, after seeing how sleazy the used car business is, Baker and Ponch decide to remain on the force and go disco dancing instead!

Actually, Ponch dances.  Baker watches and smile awkwardly.  It’s interesting that the majority of the episode is centered around Baker having an existential crisis but it all ends by highlighting Ponch on the dance floor. If nothing else, it proves that the people behind the show understood that Wilcox was the actor while Estrada was the one with the big personality.

I enjoyed this episode.  The scenery was nice.  The show made good use of slo mo of doom when Niles crashed his vehicle.  The dog was cute.  And the opening theme song was so catchy that I’m still hearing it hours after watching the show.  With this episode, the second season got off to a good start.

Retro Television Review: Miami Vice 2.11 “Back In The World”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing Miami Vice, which ran on NBC from 1984 to 1989.  The entire show can be purchased on Prime!

This week, an old friend of Sonny’s comes to Miami.

Episode 2.11 “Back In The World”

(Dir by Don Johnson, originally aired on December 6th, 1985)

Directed by Don Johnson himself, Back In The World opens in the closing days of the Vietnam War.  A war correspondent named Ira Stone (played by Bob Balaban) has discovered that the bodies of American soldiers are being packed with heroin before being shipped back to the United States.  He shares the discovery with his best friend, a young Marine named Sonny Crockett.

Ten years later, Sonny is a member of Miami Vice and laughing as he watches the DEA go all out to arrest two rich kids who have a few pounds on weed on them.  Meanwhile, Ira Stone is still a journalist but it’s been a while since he’s had a major byline.  Stone has become known for being erratic and paranoid.  His own wife (played by Patti D’Arbanville, who was Johnson’s girlfriend at the time this episode was filmed) describes Stone as being a crazed junkie who spends his time chasing imaginary enemies.  Sonny discovers just how paranoid Stone has become when Stone approaches him and asks for help in exposing the truth about the heroin trade.

Stone has a lot of theories, the majority of which involve rogue elements of the CIA.  Sonny agrees to help Stone investigate a lead but he’s skeptical of Stone’s theories.  But then someone launches a mortar attack on Sonny and Stone while they’re talking on a motorboat.  “INCOMING!” Stone yells as Sonny steers the boat through a shower of explosions.  As out there as Ira Stone may be, he’s obviously made someone uncomfortable.

Could that someone be William Maynard (G. Gordon Liddy, who was one of the Watergate burglars)?  Maynard is a former (and maybe current) CIA agent who, in Vietnam, was renowned for his ability to track down and destroy the enemy.  Now, Maynard lives in a Miami mansion with his wife (Susan Hatfield) and a mute servant who has a tendency to show up whenever someone needs to be killed.   While Crockett and Stone investigate Maynard, Tubbs and Switek (who is dressed as a leather-clad biker for some reason) investigate an exotic drug currier named Dakotah (Iman).

It’s an intriguing story but it ends on a rather conventional note, with Crockett and Tubbs launching an assault on one of Maynard’s mansions in the Everglades.  It’s probably not a coincidence that the Everglades are filmed to resemble a Vietnamese jungle.  At one point, Crockett nearly shoots in Tubbs by mistake, a stark reminder of the confusion that comes with combat.  In the end, Maynard escapes, Stone is seriously wounded, and the heroin trade continues.  There aren’t many happy endings to be found in Miami.

This was an uneven but entertaining episode.  The use of The Doors on the soundtrack was occasionally effective and occasionally heavy-handed.  The opening Vietnam montage was done well but it fell apart as soon as middle-aged and gravelly-voiced Don Johnson showed up as a fresh-faced Marine in his 20s.  That said, once the action moved to Miami and the present day, Don Johnson was never less than convincing as a battle-scarred veteran still trying to come to terms with what happened in Vietnam.  G. Gordon Liddy was entertaining as Maynard, even if it was obvious that acting was not his main thing.  Bob Balaban’s manic intensity (“INCOMING!”  “MEDIC!”) made Ira Stone into a fascinating character.  A visit by Crockett and Stone to a VA hospital not only leads to an important lead but it also allows the show to discuss the shameful way that America treated (and treats) veterans of unpopular wars.  Johnson did a good job directing the episode but it still never quite escaped the shadow of the thematically-similar Bushido.

Incidentally, my father used to have a “G. Gordon Liddy For President” bumper sticker.  And I’ve got a beat-up copy of Liddy’s autobiography, one that I purchased from Recycled Books in Denton a few years ago.  After watching this week’s episode, I think I’ll give it a read.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Degrassi Junior High 3.1 “Can’t Live With ‘Em: Part One”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Sunday, I will be reviewing the Canadian series, Degrassi Junior High, which aired on CBC and PBS from 1987 to 1989!  The series can be streamed on YouTube!

This week, the third season of Degrassi Junior High beings with tragedy!

Episode 3.1 “Can’t Live With ‘Em: Part One”

(Dir by Kit Hood, originally aired on November 28th, 1988)

This is one of the most important episodes in the history of the Degrassi franchise.  Along with starting the show’s third season, this is the episode that sees the beginning on the long and tragic decline of Derek “Wheels” Wheeler.  If you’re a fan of Degrassi: The Next Generation and you’ve always wondered how Wheels eventually ended up becoming a suicidal ex-con who is treated like a pariah by his former friend Snake, this episode is where it all began.

There’s actually a lot going on in this episode, though it’s the Wheels storyline that dominates.  With the start of a new school year, everyone at Degrassi is eager to catch up after the summer break.  Among the new developments:

Stephanie is no longer a Degrassi student and is instead going to private school.  Her brother Arthur and his best friend Yick Yu both apparently hit a growth spurt over the summer.  (Yick, in particular, is suddenly surprisingly tall for his age.)  Yick notices that Arthur seems to be dressing better and that he’s also taken to reading the business section of the newspaper.  Arthur insists that he’s not secretly rich, which is not something you say unless you actually are secretly rich.

Yick and Arthur also play a prank on new 7th grader, Bartholomew Bond (Trevor Cummings), first locking him in the janitor’s closet and then, after letting him out, directing the poor kid to the wrong homeroom.  It’s the same joke that Joey played on Arthur, way back in the first episode.  The only difference is that Yick and Arthur feel bad about it afterwards.

Having been held back, Joey is repeating the 8th Grade.  “Hey,” he asks Snake, “what do you think about Caitlin?”  Snake replies that Caitlin is not Joey’s type.  Of course, fans of Degrassi: The Next Generation know that Joey and Caitlin are destined to spend the next 20 years falling in and out and back in love with each other.

Spike is back at school.  This episode features the first appearance — albeit in polaroid form — of baby Emma.  Shane tries to approach Spike, saying that he wants to meet his daughter.  Spike tells him to stay away.  (Apparently, Shane’s parents sent him to summer camp to keep him away from Spike and Emma.)

With Stephanie gone, both Kathleen Mead and Nancy Kramer (Arlene Lott) are running for president of the student council.

The 9th Graders are spending half the day at Degrassi Junior High and half at Borden High.  Lucy notices a cute high school guy and smiles at him, even though the guy’s friend dismisses her as being a “minor niner.”

Ultimately, though, this episode is dominated by Wheels and his family.  Wheels wants to hang out with Joey.  His parents tells him that they think Joey is a bad influence.  His parents don’t care that Joey, Wheels, and Snake have their own band and are working on a demo tape of their only song.

“Parents,” Snake says, “can’t live with ’em, can’t live without ’em.”

Wheels replies that he would be happy to live without them.

Well, Wheels is going to get his wish.  When his parents go to the movies, Wheels sneaks out and goes to Joey’s house.  He, Joey, and Snake record their demo tape.  Wheels then heads home and is stunned to see a police car sitting outside of his house.

They called the cops? Wheels wonders.

No, they’re dead.  The police have accompanied Wheels’s grandmother so that she can tell him that his parents were killed by a drunk driver who ran a red light.  The end credits roll over a freeze frame of a stunned Wheels being hugged by his grandmother.

OH MY GOD!  I mean, seriously, who would have guessed that Wheels’s parents would die right at the same time that Wheels was saying he was sick of dealing with them?  As tragic as all that is, it’s even worse if you know what waits for Wheels in the future.

This episode of Degrassi Junior High did everything that a season premiere should.  It reintroduced us to the characters and set up the season’s main storyline, the downfall of Wheels.  This was classic Degrassi.  Next week, things get even worse for Wheels.  Poor Wheels.

Retro Television Review: For My Daughter’s Honor (dir by Alan Metzger)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Sundays, I will be reviewing the made-for-television movies that used to be a primetime mainstay.  Today’s film is 1996’s For My Daughter’s Honor (a.k.a. Indecent Seduction)!  It  can be viewed on YouTube, Tubi, and Prime.

Welcome to Tate, Oklahoma.

It’s a nice little town in what is usually referred to as being the heartland of America.  It’s a place where the streets are clean, the people are friendly, and where everyone roots for the local high school football team.  That makes Coach Pete Nash (Gary Cole) a pretty important person in Tate.  At a start-of-the-year pep rally, the football team is introduced as “Oklahoma’s team” and that would make Pete Nash Oklahoma’s coach.  Make no mistake about it, they love football in Oklahoma.  They love it almost as much as we love it in Texas.

Coach Nash also teaches Biology and he’s known for being the cool teacher that all of the students like to hang out with.  Soon, Nash is hanging out with 14 year-old Amy Dustin (Nicholle Tom) and Amy’s friends, Kelly (Allyson Hanigan) and Kimberly (Sara Rue).  With Coach Nash, they all get to drink beer.  They get to break into the school library and have fun with the copy machine.  Coach Nash sends Amy flirty little notes and she writes back.  Nash even encourages his daughter to invite Amy over for a sleepover so that she can lose her virginity.  Yikes!

Amy’s mother (Mary Kay Place) and her father (Mac Davis) both have their concerns about the amount of time that Amy is spending with Coach Nash.  Amy’s father is especially upset when he hears that Coach Nash threw a fit after he saw Amy dancing with a boy her own age.  But everyone in town tells them that they’re being paranoid and that Coach Nash is a good guy who just happens to be very close to his students.  He’s a family man and he’s a good football coach and that’s all that matters.

Though the names and the central location have all been changed, For My Daughter’s Honor is based on a true story.  The actual events took place in Texas and, as happens in the movie, the parents of the victim ended up suing the school district for failing to do anything about the predatory teacher.  The film certainly does capture the feeling of living in a small community where everyone thinks that they know everyone else and where people often choose not to believe what is obviously happening right in front of them.  Coach Nash makes no effort to hide his activities but he gets away with it because no one wants to confront what’s going on.  It’s easier to just say that Coach Nash is a passionate teacher or that he’s someone who lets his emotions get the better of him.  For many in the town, it’s easier to blame Amy and her family than it is to hold Coach Nash responsible for his own actions.

Gary Cole gives a strong performance as Coach Nash and is equally believable whether being blandly affable or obsessively creepy.  One of the reasons why this film works is because everyone has had at least one Coach Nash in their lives, that person who seems friendly but just gives off a strange vibe.  In the end, this is a film that says that it’s okay to be concerned.

Music Video of the Day: Don’t Save Me By Haim (2012, dir by Austin Peters)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Today’s music video of the day is one of the few Haim videos not to have been directed by Paul Thomas Anderson.  Austin Peters is the credited director.  He’s also directed videos for two of my other favorite artists, Dillon Francis and Major Lazer.

The Haim sisters could definitely defeat me in basketball.  Of course, I’ve never played basketball and, as I’ve mentioned in the past, I also can’t stand to watch basketball because of all the squeaky shoes.  One reason why I prefer golf and boxing to basketball is because there’s no squeaking involved in either of those sports.

Enjoy!

Late Night Retro Television Review: Check It Out! 2.3 “Buddy, Can You Spare A Job?”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Saturdays, I will be reviewing the Canadian sitcom, Check it Out, which ran in syndication from 1985 to 1988.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

Never hire a friend is the lesson of this week’s episode.

Episode 2.3 “Buddy, Can You Spare A Job?”

(Dir by Alan Erlich, originally aired on October 17th, 1986)

Cobb’s has got a new butcher!

Curt Farquar (Billy Van, who was a prominent horror host in Canada) not only knows how to cut meat but he’s also been Howard’s best friend since childhood.  When Curt approaches Howard and explains that his wife has left him and he desperately needs a job, there’s no way that Howard can turn him down.  Unfortunately, Curt turns out to be a bit of a bully, yelling at both the customers and his other co-workers.  He even yells at Mrs. Cobb.  Howard knows that he has to fire Curt but he doesn’t have the guts to do it.  He gets Christian to do it and then reverses course as soon as Curt confronts him.

It would be really nice if Check It Out! could decide just who exactly Howard Bannister is meant to be.  There are some episodes where Howard is a such a competent manager that other companies try to lure him away.  Then there are episodes where he is totally incompetent.  There are episodes where he and Edna are practically married and then others where they can barely stand each other.  There are episodes where Howard is a sharp-tongued leader who won’t let anyone push him around and then there are ones, like this one, where he has to be coaxed out of his office.  Sometimes, Howard is a tyrant.  Other times, he’s a wimp.  There’s never been any sort of consistency with how Howard has been portrayed and, as a result, I still don’t feel like I know the character.

That’s a problem for an episode like this one, where all of the humor centers around Howard’s inability to take an honest look at his friendship with Curt.  The Office did several good episodes that centered around Michael Scott’s toxic friendship with Todd Packer.  It was hard not to think about those episodes as I watched Howard fumble his way through Check it Out!  On The Office, Michael’s one-way friendship with Packer told the viewer everything they needed to know about Michael.  On Check It Out!, Howard’s friendship with Curt tells us nothing because the Howard who we’ve seen in previous episodes of Check It Out! would never have a friend like Curt.

For the record, Howard does eventually work up the courage to fire Curt.  And Curt actually thanks Howard for firing him because it gives Curt the time to patch up his marriage.  But first, of course, we have to sit through Curt threatening to jump off the roof of Cobb’s, just to teach Howard a lesson about …. something.  Who knows?

On the plus side, the always funny Gordon Clapp was heavily featured in this episode.  Viker convinced everyone to give him money so that he could send off for everyone’s family tree.  Viker discovered that he was descended from an axe-sharpener.  Marlene was descended from wolves.  Howard was descended from Napoleon, which of course led to Don Adams putting his hand in his suit.  And Christian …. Christian didn’t have a family tree because “your cheque bounced.”

(The closed captioning apparently understood that Check It Out! was a Canadian show.)

The Viker stuff was funny, largely because of Gordon Clapp’s ability to deliver the most absurd dialogue with a totally straight face.  The Howard/Curt stuff was kind of boring.  This was not a memorable episode to check out.