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Film Review: The Killer (dir by David Fincher)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

The Killer open with the film’s title character (played by Michael Fassbender) in an abandoned office in Paris.

He spends every day sitting in front of a window, watching the the luxury hotel across the street from him.  As is evident from the film’s title and the character’s voice-over narration, the man is a professional killer.  Sometimes, he kills up close-and-personal.  Sometimes, he kills in a way that makes the death look like it occurred naturally.  In Paris, he’s just waiting in an abandoned WeWork office with a sniper rifle.  The Killer informs us that a good deal of his time is spent waiting and getting bored.  Sometimes, he passes the time by listening to the Smiths.  Sometimes, he takes a moment or two to glance at all of the “normies” living their lives with no idea about what’s happening in the otherwise empty office above their heads.  The Killer spends a lot of time thinking about his philosophy of life and how that effects the way he does his job.  Through his voice-over narration, he talks about the huge amount of people in the world.  He talks about how an assassin should never improvise and how an assassin should never allow any feelings of empathy for other people.

That may sound like the beginning of a rather grim movie and certainly, there have been a lot of recent assassin films that have taken themselves way too seriously.  Indeed, when the movie started with the Killer going on and on and on about how he prepares for a job, I started to have unwelcome flashbacks to Andrew Dominik’s mind-numbingly pretentious Killing Them Softly.  (Really, I can only assume that everyone who was shocked by the mean-spirited ugliness of Blonde must have previously blocked Killing Them Softly from their memory.)

I need not have worried.  Fortunately, The Killer is directed by David Fincher and Fincher is far too clever a director to take any the character’s nonsense seriously.  The Killer may be obsessed with his inner monologue but Fincher clearly is not.  From the start, Fincher pokes fun at the Killer’s self-importance by having him do things like use the names of sitcom characters whenever he has to buy a plane ticket.  More often than not, the Killer’s narration is interrupted by someone proving that, despite what he may believe, the Killer does not have complete control over every situation.  All of the character’s philosophizing is ultimately his way of denying that, just like the people that he is hired to kill, he is also subject to the whims of fate.

For instance, in Paris, the job gets botched.  The Killer does not kill his target and, when he calls his handler (Charles Parnell), he’s informed that there probably will be consequences for his failure.  When the Killer returns to his home in South America, he discovers that his girlfriend has been assaulted and left near death by two other assassins.  The Killer heads to America, to confront the people that he holds responsible.  Some of those people are professionals who have offices and who live in the suburbs.  Some of them live on the fringes of society.  But all of them, like the Killer, exist in a shadowy and amoral world that makes sense to only them and which is invisible to most of the people around them.

It’s a revenge plot, the type that has been popular for decades.  (Indeed, one could easily imagine The Killer being made in the 70s with Charles Bronson playing the title role.)  The story may not be unique but the action plays out with Fincher’s signature visual style and a welcome amount of wit.  The Killer travels from Paris to South America to New Orleans to Florida to New York and eventually Chicago and each location has its own unique feel.  As always, Fincher has a terrific eye for detail and this film is at its strongest when it captures the feel of everyone else’s life going forward while The Killer remains focused on his mission.  Even the worst characters are allowed moments that humanize them.  Meanwhile, The Killer is so coldly determined that he often becomes as frightening as the people that he is pursuing.

The film is dominated by Fassbender, who is in every scene and who brings a feral intensity to the character.  The Killer may have a friendly smile but the viewer only has to look at his eyes to see just how shut off from any sort of human warmth that he actually is.  (Indeed, the Killer only seems to genuinely care about his girlfriend and, even then, we don’t learn much about his relationship with her.)  Over the course of the film, Fassbender shares scenes with Tilda Swinton, Charles Parnell, Arliss Howard, and an actress named Kerry O’Malley, who gives a sympathetic performance as a secretary who knows too much.  Everyone makes a strong impression, bringing the world of The Killer to life.

The Killer can be viewed on Netflix.  It’s a triumphant exercise in pure style.

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Baywatch Nights 1.1 “Pursuit”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Baywatch Nights, an detective show that ran in Syndication from 1995 to 1997.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

The year was 1995 and Baywatch, a show about lifeguards, was the most popular in the world.  Even though the critics never cared for the show, it got monster ratings.  Having played head lifeguard Mitch Buchanan for 6 years, star David Hasselhoff was growing tired with Baywatch’s format.  He wanted to try something new and that new thing was Baywatch Nights.  During the two years that Baywatch Nights aired, Mitch would spend his days as a lifeguard and his nights as a private investigator!

Baywatch Nights ran for two seasons.  The second season is remembered for featuring Mitch battling aliens, ghosts, and vampires.  The first season featured Mitch dealing with more traditional villains.  For our latest Late Night Retro Television Review, we’ll be looking at both seasons of Baywatch Nights!

Episode 1.1 “Pursuit”

(Dir by Gus Trikonis, originally aired on September 30th, 1995)

The very first episode of Baywatch Nights opens with Mitch Buchanan (played, of course, by David Hasselhoff) speaking directly to the audience.  He’s standing at his lifeguard stand, wearing his signature red Baywatch swim trunks.

“Some people,” Mitch says straight to the camera, “think that the beach closes when the sun goes down.  Uh-uh.  That’s when it really starts to heat up.”  Mitch goes on to explain that he’s working a second job as a private investigator.  His old friend, Garner Ellerbee (Gregory Alan Williams), is a partner in a detective agency with Ryan McBride (Angie Harmon), who was born in Texas, became a detective in New York, and recently moved to California.  Mitch is working with them.  Suddenly, Mitch says that he hopes those watching will enjoy this “new show.”

This brings up an interesting question.  Are we listening to Mitch or are we listening to David Hasselhoff?  If it’s David Hasselhoff talking directly to the audience, his monologue would seem to suggest that he thinks that Baywatch is real life, even though it’s a TV show.  He talks about Garner and Ryan as if they’re real people.  If we’re listening to Mitch Buchanan, that means that he has somehow become aware that he’s a character on a television show.  Has Mitch become self-aware?  Or has he realized that he’s living in some sort of Truman Show-style situation?

These are all questions that will probably never be answered.

As for the episode, it jumps right into things.  Mitch, Garner, and Ryan have their private detective offices located right above a nightclub called — wait for it — “Nights.”  Occasionally, they are helped by Destiny Desimone (Lisa Stahl), a perky blonde who spends her days doing Tarot card readings on the beach and her nights hanging out around the office.  When Ryan can’t figure out how to use a computer, Destiny is there to help  When Mitch and Garner can’t figure out how to have multiple landlines in one office, Destiny figures it all out!  It’s all very 90s, with boxy computers and long telephone cords.

Mitch’s first case involves serving as a bodyguard for a model named Cassidy (Carol Alt).  Cassidy says that someone is stalking her and she’s especially worried because another model has recently been murdered.  (“Her name was Alexa,” Mitch muses as he looks at the murdered model’s body, “This was her last photo session.”)  Mitch protects Cassidy and, of course, he falls for her but, in the end, he realizes that Cassidy has actually been stalking herself and was responsible for the other model’s death.  Mitch is shaken by his discovery of Cassidy’s guilt, even though the exact same thing previously happened to him during the first season of Baywatch, when he fell in love with a woman who turned out to be a black widow murderer.  Mitch muses that he knows how to be a lifeguard but he’s still learning how to be a private eye.

(Mitch, seriously, just watch reruns of Baywatch!  I mean, you’re only one episode into Baywatch Nights and you’re already recycling old plots so I imagine you should just keep doing what you did the first time.)

This episode’s plot is pretty predictable but, for a pilot, it’s likable.  Angie Harmon, Gregory Alan Williams, and David Hasselhoff all have a likable chemistry and, as a Texas girl, I appreciated the fact that Angie Harmon’s accent was authentic.  Mitch narrates the episode in a hard-boiled, private eye manner and David Hasselhoff’s earnest delivery is so at odds with his words that it becomes rather charming.  As a friend of mine once said when we watched him in Starcrash, “Every country should have a Hoff!”

As far as first episodes go, Pursuit does everything it needs to do.  It introduces us to the characters and their personalities.  Ryan is supercool and has really pretty hair.  Destiny is quirky.  Garner is determined.  And Mitch …. well, Mitch is David Hasselhoff.  Wisely, the first episode didn’t spend too much time trying to rationalize the idea of Mitch working all day as a lifeguard and then all night as a private eye.  Realistically, it seems like he would end up too exhausted to be good at either job.  Instead, the first episode simply tells the audience that Mitch is now a detective and that the audience better be willing to accept it.

(Unfortunately, most of the audience didn’t accept it, which is why the second episode featured Mitch dealing with sea monsters and resurrected Vikings.  We’ll get to that in a while.)

Next week, Mitch battles a group of thieves on skates!  Seriously, you know that’s going to be fun!

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 3.23 “Eagleman/Children of Mentu”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986.  Almost the entire show is currently streaming is on Youtube!

This week, season 3 comes to an end!

Episode 3.23 “Eagleman/Children of Mentu”

(Dir by Michael Vejar, originally aired on May 17th, 1980)

As I watched the third season finale of Fantasy Island, I found myself growing a bit sad.  Even though I went into this program knowing that Ricardo Montalban and Herve Villechaize eventually came to despise each other, it’s still a bit jarring to see just how obvious that dislike was by the end of season 3.  Gone were the silly moments of banter that used to start each episode.  Instead, by the end of season 3, each episode opened with same stock footage of Tattoo announcing the plane and then Roarke and Tattoo heading down to the docks to meet their guests.  When Tattoo and Roarke do speak to each other, the actors barely look at each other.  As I said, it’s a shame and it’s hard not to feel that the show itself became a bit less interesting once Roarke and Tattoo stopped interacting.

As far as this week’s fantasies, they both feel somewhat familiar.  There’s a comedic fantasy and a vaguely serious fantasy, both featuring actors who had previously appeared on the show in different roles.  The comedic fantasy features Bob Denver as Morris Binstock who comes to the Island for a business retreat.  Accompanying him is his son, Barney (Keith Coogan).  Ever since the death of his wife, Morris has struggled to connect with his son.  His fantasy is to become his son’s favorite comic book hero, Eagleman!

And he gets his wish.  Roarke has set up an entire Eagleman secret headquarters in the closet of Morris’s room.  Morris puts on the Eagleman costume and he does a flew klutzy things and he gets to fly.  His son is happy.  But is Morris devoting so much time to being Eagleman that he’s running the risk of losing a promotion at work?  After all, a promotion would not only mean more money but it would also be something that would continue to exist, even after Morris left the Island.  It looks like obnoxious Hal Ripley (Larry Storch) is going to get the promotion but when the company’s CEO, H.H. Moran (Jim Backus), discovers that Morris has been pretending to be Eagleman to make his son happy, Moran makes Morris vice president.  H.H. Moran is all about family!

The more serious fantasy features Vernee Watson as Rochelle McKenzie, a reporter who is trying to track down Dr. Arthur Gates (Ralph Bellamy), a millionaire who vanished one day.  Roarke explains that Dr. Gates has been spotted on the nearby Island of Mentu.  Roarke warns her that the inhabitants of Mentu are not friendly and Rochelle will be putting her own life at risk if she goes to the island,

Rochelle still goes to the island and guess what?  Roarke was not lying about those angry inhabitants.  One of the men is horribly scarred.  Another has to use a crutch but still growls at every human he sees.  The island and the natives were exploited by a mining company and now, the natives distrust almost everyone they see.  However, Dr. Gates has decided to dedicate his life to taking care of them.  That’s a good thing because it turns out that the scarred native has a sick child and only Dr. Gates can provide the proper medical attention.

Both stories are fairly silly, though at least Rochelle’s story gives Ralph Bellamy a chance to take on the type of role that was usually given to Ray Milland.  If you only know Bellamy as the guy who was constantly getting dumped for Cary Grant in the 30s and 40s, this episode allows Bellamy a chance to show that he could be a likable and authoritative actor.  As for the Eagleman story, it was kind of uncomfortable to watch because Bob Denver looked like he was in his early 60s and it was hard not to worry about him seriously injuring himself whenever he put on the costume.

There’s an interesting moment in Rochelle’s fantasy, in which she tells Mr. Roarke that she feels foolish coming to the Island in pursuit of a “fantasy.”  She feels that she’s being childish but Roarke explains that fantasies are not childish and that one should always pursue their dreams.  Whether it was intentional or not, this scene serves as a mission statement for the entire series.  Yes, Fantasy Island was frequently silly and childish but, in the end, it still resonates because people will always have dreams and they will always have fantasies.  There will always be a place for Fantasy Island.

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: CHiPs 1.1 “Pilot”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing CHiPs, which ran on NBC from 1977 to 1983.  The entire show is currently streaming on Freevee!

When I was trying to pick a show to review after finishing up Nightmare Café, Jeff suggested that I go with CHiPs, a very 70s show about the adventures of the California Highway Patrol.  I agreed after he showed me two episodes that involved a roller disco.  I mean, how could I resist?

Of course, we won’t get to the roller disco for a while.  That happened at the start of season 3.  Instead, we’re starting at the beginning, with the pilot.  The year was 1977.  Jimmy Carter was president.  Jerry Brown was the governor of California.  And two cops on motorcycles were about to roll into history….

Episode 1.1 “Pilot”

(Dir by Paul Krasny, originally aired on September 15th, 1977)

The pilot for CHiPs doesn’t waste any time in introducing us to our two main characters.  When we first see officers Jon Baker (Larry Wilcox) and Frank “Ponch” Poncharello (Erik Estrada), they’re on their police motorcycles and chasing after a stolen sportscar.  The chase being on the freeway and then eventually leads into Los Angeles.  Unlike the live police pursuits that we regularly see on television, this chase is unique in that there aren’t any other police officers involved, other than Baker and Ponch.  Maybe that’s the way that cops did things in the 70s but it does seem like Baker and Ponch would have had an easier time of it if they had some backup.  As it is, they don’t catch the thief but Ponch does crash his motorcycle.

Sgt. Joseph Getraer (played by Robert “father of Chris” Pine) is not amused to learn that Ponch has damaged another motorcycle.  The pilot wastes no time in establishing that Baker is the responsible, good cop while Ponch is the wild cop who takes risks and is always in trouble with the brass.  In fact, Ponch is on probation because of all the disciplinary reports that have been written against him.  Baker insists that Ponch is a good cop but it does seem like Ponch does manage to frequently crash his motorcycle.

Apparently, Larry Wilcox and Erik Estrada did not get long while they were co-starring on CHiPs.  That’s not surprising.  That tends to happen on a lot shows.  What is interesting is that, even in the pilot, neither one of the actors seems to be making much of an effort to even pretend to like the other.  Whenever Estrada flashes his big smile or dramatically looks up to the heavens, Wilcox looks like he’s having to use every bit of his willpower not to roll his eyes.  I always point out when two performers don’t have any romantic chemistry.  CHiPs is an interesting case where there isn’t even any friendship chemistry.  At no point, during the pilot, do you get the feeling that either Baker or Ponch would really be that upset if the other was reassigned to some other part of the highway patrol.  Even in the scenes where Baker defends Ponch as being a good cop, Larry Wilcox seems to be delivering the lines through gritted teeth. 

As for the episode itself, it really is standard 70s cop show stuff.  The stolen cars are being smuggled in a moving truck and, eventually, Baker and Ponch spot the bad guys on the highway and, after a chase, they catch them.  Of course, before they do that, they deal with two accidents (one involving a glue truck and another featuring a woman trapped in an overturned car and yes, Ponch does get her number) and Baker orders a kid on a bike to pull over so he can give him some advice about riding in traffic.

As I said, it’s all pretty standard.  But that doesn’t matter because, from the first minute we see them, the motorcycles are extremely cool and so are the scenes of Ponch and Baker weaving in and out of traffic while pursuing the car thieves.  Baker may be dull and Ponch might come across as being more than a little flaky but no one is really watching for them.  The pilot is all about celebrating the idea of driving fast on the highway and basically reminding the world that you don’t have to follow the rules, even if you are the one who enforces them!  If you don’t want to join a car theft ring, you can always just get a badge and a motorcycle.  Either way, it’s ton of fun!

For all of the episode’s obvious flaws, it was still easy for me to understand why this pilot led to a series.  Motorcycles are cool!  Will they still be a cool after 100+ episodes of CHiPs?  That’s what we’re about to find out.

Film Review: Unseen (dir by Yoko Okumura)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Up in Michigan, Emily (Midori Francis) is a doctor who has been kidnapped by her psychotic ex-boyfriend, Charlie (Michael Patrick Lane).  Charlie takes her to a cabin in the woods, where he ties her up and brags about the revenge that he’s going to take on her.  Emily manages to break free and temporarily incapacitate Charlie but, in the process, she breaks her glasses.  Nearly blind, Emily stumbles out into the wilderness.  Despite not knowing where she is and not being able to see more than a few inches in front of her, Emily has to find her way back to civilization before Charlie finds her.

Down in Florida, Sam (Jolene Purdy) arrives for another day of work at a gas station where she spends most of her time dealing with a broken Slurpee machine.  From the start, it’s not a good day, with a rich woman named Carol (Missi Pyle) demanding a refund just because she accidentally put the cheapest brand of fuel into her BMW.  Sam finds herself looking down at the card that she has from the suicide prevention hotline and we immediately know that Sam is not happy with her life.  Then, suddenly, her phone rings.

Emily and Sam don’t know each other but when Emily tries to use her phone to call for help, Sam is the one who ends up getting the call.  Once Sam realizes that Emily is being stalked by her murderous ex, Sam agrees to become Emily’s eyes through video call.  Sam guides Emily through the woods, keeping her informed of whether or not Charlie is nearby.  Along the way, they talk about their different lives and how they came to be in their current situations.  Sam gives Emily the strength to keep fighting for her survival while Emily gives Sam a reason to keep on living.  And while Emily is having to constantly deal with Charlie and his attempts to re-capture her, Sam has to deal with things like exploding slushee machines, a dying phone battery, and eventually Carol and an apparently insane (and heavily armed) man who appears to be her husband.

Unseen is a bit of a disjointed film.  The scenes in Michigan are very serious and very intense, with Emily suffering serious injury as she flees from Charlie.  At one point, Emily begs Sam to call her mom so that Emily can say goodbye to her and it’s a genuinely emotional scene.  At the same time, the scenes in Florida are often broadly comedic, with Sam sliding across the floor and, at one point, locking herself behind bullet-proof glass while Carol and her husband, who is dressed like a yacht captain, scream at her to come out.  The tonal shifts between the two locations can be a bit jarring but the film is still effective, largely due to the sincerity of the performances of Midori Francis and Jolene Purdy.  Their friendship feels real and it’s hard not to get a little misty-eyed at the film’s final moments.

Unseen deserves a lot of credit for only being 76 minutes long.  It tells its story quickly and without any unnecessary padding.  This is a film that does not waste any time getting to the point and, in this time when even the simplest of genre films will often run for more than two hours, it’s hard not appreciate the nicely paced efficiency of Unseen.

Retro Television Reviews: Miami Vice 1.10 “Glades”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing Miami Vice, which ran on NBC from 1984 to 1989.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, Crockett and Tubbs leave Miami!

Episode 1.10 “Glades”

(Dir by Stan Lathan, originally aired on November 30th, 1984)

Episode ten opens with the Animals’s “We’ve Got To Get Out Of This Place” playing on the soundtrack and the camera tracking down some of the less glamorous sections of Miami.  This is a far different part of the city than the viewer is used to seeing on Miami Vice.  The sleek art deco architecture has been replaced by vacant lots, run-down apartments, and torn-up streets.  It serves as a reminder that, while some people in Miami are getting very rich, others are still trapped in the cycle of poverty.

Joey Bramlette (Keith Szarabajka) is staying in a  cheap motel room, courtesy of the Vice Squad.  Joey is due to testify in court against his former boss, a Colombian drug lord named Ruiz.  Joey’s testimony is the key to the entire case but, when he receives a mysterious letter, he escapes the safehouse and flees back to his home in the Everglades.  Though it was Zito and Switek who allowed him to escape, Crockett and Tubbs are the ones who head down to the Everglades to find him.

That’s right …. Crockett and Tubbs aren’t in Miami anymore!

As Crockett and Tubbs soon discover, the Everglades is full of rednecks, smugglers, and enforcers.  Safely hidden away from civilization, it’s a place where there is no law.  After a group of rednecks (led by John Pankow) trick Sonny and Tubbs into getting lost in the wilderness (“Moss grows on the north side of a tree!” Crockett announces as he tries to figure out how to return to civilization), the two cops are found by Joey and his wife, Cassie (Margaret Whitton).  Joey reveals that he still wants to testify but that Ruiz’s men have kidnapped his daughter.  Working together with Joey and his family, Crockett and Tubbs have to figure out how to storm Ruiz’s heavily guarded compound and rescue Joey’s daughter.

This episode was a bit of a change of pace but I enjoyed it.  Some of that is because, when I was growing up, I spent a lot of time in the country and I’ve still got a lot of family out there, working on their farms and living in communities much like the one that Crockett and Tubbs visited in this episode.  I may now be a city girl but I’ve still got my country side.  I can still remember what it was like, walking around the tall grass while wearing short shorts and a tank top.  Though I cringed a bit when it first appeared that this episode was going to portray rural Florida as being the equivalent of Deliverance, I was happy to see that it was ultimately a celebration of the resilience of country people.

There was an interesting subtext to this episode as everyone that Sonny and Tubbs met was a smuggler, either working for Ruiz or independently running marijuana into Florida.  Later, one of the older smugglers mentioned that he used to run moonshine, therefore suggesting that there wasn’t much difference between the War on Drugs of the 1980s and the doomed effort at prohibition of the 1920s.  Miami Vice is a cop show that often suggests that it’s sometimes best not to get too hung up on rigidly enforcing the law.  That’s quite a contrast to most other cop shows that I’ve seen.  Even modern cop shows tend to take the attitude that anyone who violates the law has to be punished in some way, whether by incarceration or death.  Miami Vice may have been about law enforcement but its heart belonged to the libertarians.

Next week’s episode of Miami Vice guest stars Burt Young, Michael Madsen, Lenny Von Dohlen, and Terry O’Quinn!

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Degrassi Junior High 1.9 “What A Night!”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Sunday, I will be reviewing the Canadian series, Degrassi Junior High, which aired on CBC and PBS from 1987 to 1989!  The series can be streamed on YouTube!

This week, it’s a shop-lifting episode!

(Whenever I watch one of these episodes, I’m tempted to send Target a check for all of the makeup that ended up in my purse during my junior year of high school….)

Episode 1.9 “What A Night!”

(Dir by Kit Hood, originally aired on March 15th, 1987)

The very first episode of Degrassi Junior High featured the end of a long friendship.  Disgusted by both Stephanie’s provocative way of dressing and her flirtatious campaign for the class presidency, Voula declared that she no longer wanted to be Stephanie’s friend.  Since that episode, Stephanie has tried to apologize to Voula many times and Voula has not only refused to accept her apology but she’s also somehow gotten even more judgmental.  While I know that the usual reaction of many fans is to condemn Stephanie and defend Voula, I’m totally on Stephanie’s side.  Voula really needs to get over herself and realize that not everyone wants to dress like a Mennonite child bride.  It’s not Stephanie’s fault that Voula’s parents are absurdly overprotective and controlling.

This week’s episode features both a Stephanie plot and a Voula plot.  Even though Stephanie and Voula do not interact, it’s hard to watch What A Night without thinking about how different things would be if the two of them were still friends.  Voula served as a voice of reason for Stephanie and Stephanie was someone who encouraged Voula to have fun in her life without taking things too far.  Both Stephanie and Voula have a pretty bad night in this week’s episode and it probably wouldn’t have happened if they were still friends.

Stephanie, for instance, is happy because her favorite soap opera actor, Damon King (Barry Tull), is in town.  Damon is promoting his new book, Confessions of a Soap Star.  When Stephanie goes to the bookstore to get his autograph, the sleazy, mullet-headed Damon flirts with her.  When Stephanie tells him that she’s 16 (actually, she’s 14), Damon responds by giving her his phone number.

This is where Stephanie could have used Voula’s advice.  Voula would have said, “This actor is going to burn in Hell for putting himself as a false idol before God,” and that probably would have freaked out Stephanie enough to convince her to throw away the number.  Instead, Stephanie is forced to get advice from her two new best friends, the Farrell twins!  Heather Farrell says, “Be careful” but Erica Farrell says, “Go for it!”  And since Erica is the more talkative of the two, it is Erica’s advice that Stephanie takes.

Stephanie calls the number and Damon tells her to wait for him outside of a shabby looking convenience store.  Stephanie sneaks out of the house and finds herself waiting, for way too long, in the worst part of Toronto.  Finally, Damon shows up in his sports car.  Stephanie gets into the car and Damon immediately starts grabbing at her.  Shouting that she’s only 14, Stephanie jumps out of the car.  Damon drives off and Stephane calls her mom for a ride home.

Voula, meanwhile, has been hanging out with Lucy Fernandez and tutoring her on her spelling skills.  After Lucy gets a good grade her spelling test, she celebrates by taking Voula out to the mall so that Voula can get some clothes that make her look a little less Amish.  Voula says that she doesn’t have any money for clothes but Lucy explains that she won’t need any money because …. LUCY IS A COMPULSIVE SHOPLIFTER!

Voula freaks out when Lucy stuffs a sweater in her bag.  In fact, Voula freaks out so much that a clerk notices her and Lucy and calls security.  Despite attempting to run both up and down an escalator, they cannot escape the stern-faced, bilingual Canadian security guards.  Both Lucy and Voula are dragged down to the Toronto police station.  Voula’s parents eventually show up to get Voula but Lucy’s parents are out of town.  And, since this isn’t the first time that Lucy has been caught shoplifting, she’s going to be charged!  Don’t worry, though.  This is Canada so Lucy only has to do a few hours of community service.

What’s weird about this is that Voula is very forgiving of Lucy getting her arrested.  Sure, Voula is mad at first but, the very next day, she forgives Lucy and agrees to keep tutoring her.  Voula feels sorry for Lucy because Lucy’s parents are never home.  So, Voula will never forgive Stephanie for kissing Joey Jeremiah and wearing a short skirt but she’s totally fine with Lucy almost causing her to get a criminal record?

Seriously, Voula’s the worst!

This episode was pretty good.  I think what sets this episode of Degrassi apart from all the other teen shows that have deal with shoplifting and sketchy men is that both stories felt like they developed naturally from the personalities of the characters involved.  Stephanie sneaking out to meet up with Damon totally fit in with all of the other times that she’s tried to prove that she’s more “grown up” than she actually is and it’s another reminder that Stephanie actually is fairly naïve about the world outside of high school.  Voula and Lucy becoming friends makes total sense when you consider that 1) Voula hasn’t really had close a friend since she got mad at Stephanie and 2) Lucy and Stephanie have so much in common that it makes sense that a scorned stalker like Voula would select Lucy as her new obsession.  (Seriously, Voula’s bitterness towards Stephanie borders on Fatal Attraction territory.)  And Lucy’s shoplifting makes sense when you consider that her parent’s apparently have next to nothing to do with her.  It may sound like a cliché to say that Lucy is acting out to her parent’s attention but that doesn’t make it any less true.

Next week: Rick become an environmentalist in a bid to impress Caitlin!  If this sound familiar, that’s because, two decades later, Sean would do pretty much the same thing to impress Emma.

Retro Television Review: Dance ‘Til Dawn (dir by Paul Schneider)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Sundays, I will be reviewing the made-for-television movies that used to be a primetime mainstay.  Today’s film is 1988’s Dance ‘Til Dawn!  It  can be viewed on YouTube.

It’s prom time and the seniors at Herbert Hoover High School are excited!  Patrice Johnson (Christina Applegate) is especially excited because not only did she organize the prom but she’s also the leading  contender to be elected prom queen.  She’s looking forward to having a wonderful night with her boyfriend, Roger (Matthew Perry).

Patrice is especially excited because her only real competition for prom queen, Shelley (Alyssa Milano), has broken up with her jock boyfriend, Kevin (Brian Bloom).  Shelley has declared that she will instead be attending a very mature and very fun college fraternity party.  Meanwhile, Kevin will be attending prom but he will be coming with Angela (Tracey Gold), who has a reputation for being a bit nerdy.  Kevin only asked Angela to prom because he was under the false impression that she’s easy but he soon finds himself falling for her for real.

Meanwhile, Shelley doesn’t really have a party to attend.  Instead, she decides to spend prom night avoiding her friends and watching an old movie at the town’s movie theater.  Shelley is convinced that no one from school will be at the theater.  Instead, she runs into nerdy Dan (Chris Young), who also came to the theater because he didn’t have a prom date.  Dan and Shelley end up having a fun time hanging out together.

While this is going on, all of the parents are having dramas of their own.  Patrice’s embarrassing parents (Cliff de Young and Mary Frann) relive their own youth.  Dan’s father (Alan Thicke) is convinced that Dan is not only the most popular kid at school but that Dan is also having a wonderful prom.  And Angela’s parents (Edie McClurg and Kelsey Grammer) are so paranoid about the idea of Kevin trying to sleep with their daughter that they actually sneak into the prom to try to keep them from getting too close.  Of course, they are mistaken for waiters and are immediately put to work.

I watched this two weeks ago, when I was still struggling to process the shock of Matthew Perry’s passing.  Unfortunately, Matthew Perry is not in much of the film and it’s not really until the end of the film that he really gets a chance to show any of the sardonic wit for which he was best known.  That said, Christina Applegate appears to be having fun as the snooty mean girl and she and Perry do make for a cute couple.  Actually, all of the couples in the film are cute, with Alyssa Milano and Chris Young especially making for an adorable couple.  This is a pleasant and, for many, nostalgic diversion, as long as you’re willing to accept that there is absolutely nothing go on beneath the film’s slick and occasionally colorful surface.  The humor is broad, the messages are obvious, and, as always, it’s amusing to watch Kelsey Grammer running around in a panic.

Dance Til Dawn doesn’t really bring anything new to the high school genre but it’s still worthy of the name of Herbert Hoover.

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Check It Out 1.6 “Seven Days Make A Week”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Saturdays, I will be reviewing the Canadian sitcom, Check it Out, which ran in syndication from 1985 to 1988.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, Howard once again proves himself to be worst boyfriend ever.

Episode 1.6 “Seven Days Make A Week”

(Dir by Gary Plaxton, originally aired on November 6th, 1985)

So far, the first season of Check It Out! has been dominated by stories dealing with the romantic relationship between Howard and Edna.  I’ve never really bought their relationship.  Some of it is because Howard and Edna have supposedly been together for six years but they still often come across as just being work acquaintances.  They seem more like friends than lovers, which makes all of the jokes about their sexual difficulties somewhat jarring.  Just how devoted Howard and Edna are to each other seems to change from episode to episode.  Unfortunately, Don Adams and Dinah Christie didn’t really have enough chemistry to help the audiences accept them as being a couple.

This episode, for example, finds Howard flirting with a health food representative named Michelle (Laura Dickson).  Michelle has set up a table in the store and, because she’s wearing a cleavage-baring leotard, she soon has the attention of every guy in the store.  Edna is concerned because she is planning on visiting her sister in Florida for a week and she doesn’t want to leave Howard alone with Michelle.

Fortunately, cashier Leslie (Aaron Schwartz) tells Edna that the last time that he and his boyfriend went on vacation together, Michelle was a guest at the resort and she was accompanied by her girlfriend.  Edna says that women who are friends often go on vacation together.  Leslie explains to Edna that Michelle and her girlfriend were more than just friends.  Edna is overjoyed!  Not only will she be on vacation but, while she’s gone, Howard will be humiliated when he tries to date a lesbian!

Seriously, this is does not sound like a healthy relationship.  Edna is putting off her vacation because she’s convinced that Howard (who is also her boss, which brings up a whole other set of ethical questions) is going to cheat on her as soon as she leaves.  But then she decides that she can go on vacation, not because she has any faith in Howard staying loyal to her but because she’s convinced that he’ll feel foolish once he does try to cheat on her.  It never seems to occur to Edna that Michelle could have been bisexual or that Leslie might just have his information wrong.

Because …. guess what?

Leslie does have his information wrong!  As soon as Edna leaves, Michelle tells Leslie that she and her girlfriend only pretended to be lovers so that all of the men at the resort would leave them alone.  Leslie panics, especially when Michelle asks Howard if he wants to come by her apartment and have dinner.  Howard agrees but — fear not! — Howard later tells Edna that he decided not to cheat on her because Michelle was boring.

(Myself, I’m trying to understand the idea of uptight, middle-aged Howard as being someone that anyone would fight over.)

Eh.  Edna is so happy that Howard ultimately deciding not to cheat on her that she kind of overlooks the fact that he was planning on doing so in the first place. This episode required the audience to care about Howard and Edna’s relationship but since the relationship doesn’t really make sense, neither does the episode.

Lisa Marie’s Week In Television: 11/5/23 — 11/11/23

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

The Amazing Race (Wednesday Night, CBS)

I’m still struggling to get caught up with this season.  Hopefully, I’ll have a lot of thoughts to share on the show after this weekend!

Big Brother 25 (24/7, Paramount Plus and CBS)

This stupid season is finally over!  You can read my thoughts over at the Reality TV Chat Blog!

Check It Out (Tubi)

My review of this week’s episode of Check It Out should be dropping in about an hour.  Personally, I am proud of myself for the dedication that I have shown to reviewing a show that I don’t think anyone else has ever heard of.

C.H.i.Ps (Freevee)

Jeff and I watched two episodes of this extremely 70s cop show earlier tonight.  Jeff thinks I should review it for my next Retro series and I think he might be right!  The episodes we watched were all about disco roller skating.  It was fascinating in its own weird way.

Degrassi Junior High (YouTube)

I wrote about Degrassi Junior High here!

Dirty Pair Flash (YouTube)

I watched an episode of this anime on Friday night.  It was a fun episode, one featuring a lot of explosions and cute outfits.

Dr. Phil (YouTube)

Saturday night, I watched two episodes featuring Crystal and Anthony.  Anthony was accused of doing something unthinkable to his daughter by his former girlfriend, Crystal.  From the start, it was pretty obvious that Crystal was coaching her daughter and Anthony had not molested his daughter.  Crystal and her mother repeatedly yelled over Dr. Phil and at Anthony.  In general, people who are telling the truth don’t have to yell to make their point.

On Tuesday afternoon, I passed the time by rewatching the episode in which Dr. Phil talked to the creator of Jilly Juice, a disgusting-looking concoction that she claimed could regrow limbs, promote good health, and “cure homosexuality.”  I’ve been pretty critical of some of Dr. Phil’s shows but he was definitely at his best when he was exposing Jilly Juice, which had the unfortunate side effect of causing strokes.

Friday the 13th: The Series (YouTube)

I wrote about Friday the 13th: The Series here!

Gun (Tubi)

I wrote about the final episode of Gun here!

Jennifer Slept Here (YouTube)

Here, I wrote about Jennifer Slept Here.

The Love Boat (Paramount Plus)

I wrote about The Love Boat here!

Monsters (Tubi)

I wrote about Monsters here!

Nightmare Café (YouTube)

I finished up Nightmare Café this week.  My review can be found here!

Sally Jessy Raphael (YouTube)

On Tuesday night, I watched an old episode of this 90s talk show.  Sally talked to men who treated their wives like slaves.  It was a skin-crawling episode and hopefully, every guest on it got divorced after their appearance.

On Wednesday night, I watched an episode featuring teenagers who were upset that their moms were dressing slutty.  To be honest, the teens all came across as being kind of whiny.

The Steve Wilkos Show (YouTube)

On Tuesday night, I watched an episode in which a guy with a beard that made him look like a California cult leader was convinced that his stepdaughter’s boyfriend, who had a mustache that made him look like the owner of a 70s leather bar, was being abusive.  They both took lie detector tests and ended up shouting each other as the end credits rolled.

Survivor (Wednesday Night, CBS)

Just as with The Amazing Race, I’m dropping into this season late and still struggling to get caught up.  Hopefully, I’ll be caught up by the end of tomorrow.  For what I have seen, I am definitely Team Emily!

T and T (Tubi)

I reviewed T and T here!

Welcome Back Kotter (Tubi)

I reviewed Welcome Back Kotter here!

Yes, Prime Minister (Monday Morning, PBS)

When his predecessor as PM describes Jim in unflattering terms in his autobiography, Jim tries to suppress the book through the Official Secrets Act.  It all led to a bit of a scandal and a lot of laughs.  Bernard got to do quite a bit in this episode, which I appreciated.  Bernard is always a fun character, seeing as how he’s right in the middle between Jim’s cluelessness and Sir Humphrey’s manipulativeness.