Retro Television Reviews: Miami Vice 1.16 “Rites of Passage”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing Miami Vice, which ran on NBC from 1984 to 1989.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, Pam Grier and John Turturro show up in Miami!

Episode 1.16 “Rites of Passage”

(Dir by David Anspaugh, originally aired on February 8th, 1985)

This week’s episode of Miami Vice opens with a 5-minute mini-movie.  Before we even get to the opening credits, we have watched as young and innocent Diane Gordon (Terry Ferman) arrives in Miami from New York, takes her first walk on a Florida beach, has a “chance” meeting with a smooth-talking guy named Lile (David Thornton), and ends up at a party being held at a mansion belonging to David Traynor (a young John Turturro).  Traynor tells Diane that he runs a modeling agency and that he would love to put her under contract.

It’s a stylish and rather brave opening.  For five minutes, we don’t see or even hear about any of the regular characters.  Instead, we’re introduced to world where image is everything, from the bodies on the beach to Traynor’s art deco mansion to the beautiful women who have been paid for by considerably less attractive men.  In those five minutes, Diane wins our sympathy and we also see how she (and so many others) have fallen into the trap set by the David Traynors of the world.  For those five minutes, we are reminded that this is a show about more than Sonny Crockett and Ricardo Tubbs.  It’s about more than even Miami.  This is a show about America.

After the opening credits, we watch as the police retrieve the body of one of Traynor’s girls from a lagoon.  She committed suicide.  In the crowd watching is Diane’s sister, Valerie (played by the legendary Pam Grier).  Valerie is a New York cop.  When she goes to the Vice Squad to ask for Castillio’s help in searching for her sister, we learn that she is also Tubbs’s former (and soon current) lover.

In many ways, the rest of this episode is traditional Miami Vice.  Zito and Switek provide some comic relief when they disguise themselves as exterminators and invade one of Traynor’s parties.  Crockett and Tubbs once again go undercover as Burnett and Cooper, infiltrating Traynor’s mansion so that they can rescue Diane.  Diane has been so brainwashed by Traynor and Lile that, even after she’s been reunited with her sister, she still can’t bring herself to admit that Traynor was using her.  She calls Traynor and tells him that she’s decided to go back to New York City.  In a montage that is rather creepily scored to Foreigner’s I Want To Know What Love Is, scenes of Valerie and Tubbs making love are mixed with scenes of Lile giving Diane an intentional drug overdose.

Technically, this is a Tubbs episode.  For once, of the two main detectives, Tubbs is the one who has a personal reason for wanting to take Traynor down while it falls to Crockett to deal with Castillo’s withering stare of concern.  That said, Rites of Passage is Pam Grier’s show all the way.  From the minute that Grier shows up, she controls every scene in which she appears.  Just as in Coffy, Grier plays an avenging angel.  This episode ends, as Miami Vice often did, with a shoot out but this time, it’s Grier who guns down Lile and Traynor.  “Read me my rights,” Valerie says to Crockett as the episode ends.

Again, the storyline may have been typical Vice but the performance of Pam Grier and the stylish direction of David Anspaugh elevated the episode.  This episode presents Miami as being beautiful but heartless, a place where innocents come to pursue the American dream but instead find themselves being used and abused by sleazy but wealthy men.  (At one point, it is mentioned that Traynor specializes in finding women for diplomats, meaning that most of his clients have diplomatic immunity.)  Traynor’s mansion is a brilliant combination of the sleek and the tacky and Turturro plays Traynor as being a not particularly clever man who has gotten rich because he understands that everyone ultimately driven by the same desire for power and pleasure without consequences.

Next week …. it’s another Tubbs episode!  Can Tubbs defuse a hostage situation, despite not having an ex-lover around to help him?  We’ll find out!

The Eric Roberts Collection: Top Gunner: America vs Russia (dir by Christopher Ray)


The latest addition to the quasi-franchise that started with 2020’s Top Gunner, 2023’s Top Gunner: America vs Russia takes place in the near future.

Russia’s war with Ukraine has led to a stalemate.  When the United States starts to take a more active role in defending Ukraine and arming the dissidents in Russia, it leads to a coup in Russia.  President Vasiliev (Alex Veadow) wants to bring about a new era of peace but, when he’s assassinated, the new president of Russia, the evil Borovsk (Pavel Kuzin), accuses the United States of being behind the murder and declares war on the U.S.A.  Soon, Russian jets are invading the airspace of Washington D.C. and blowing up the Washington Monument.  (The White House gets hit by a bomb as well but, fortunately, it’s not a very impressive bomb.)  Borovsk is such a fanatic that he is even prepared to launch his country’s nuclear arsenal against America.  Such an action would, of course, lead to the end of the world.

Fortunately, America is not just going to roll over and accept defeat.  (Or, at least, it’s not going to accept defeat in the movies.  In the real world, it seems to be a different story.)  America has fighter pilots, like Footloose (Andrew Rogers) and Firefly (Kayla Fields), who are dedicated to defending the nation.  America has a super-secret new jet than can even fly into deep space so it can fire missiles at a Russian satellite.  America has got CIA operatives like Veronica Vachs (Simone Posey) operating in Moscow.  America has got a Vice President (Gary Poux) who believes in the country’s destiny.  And, perhaps most importantly of all, America has got Eric Roberts.

Eric Roberts also appeared in the first Top Gunner, though he was playing a different character in that film.  In Top Gunner, Eric Roberts was a flight instructor.  In Top Gunner: America vs Russia, Eric Roberts is …. PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES!

As President Jeremiah Stewart, Eric Roberts gives orders and refuses to be pushed around and always puts America first.  When he hears that Washington D.C. might soon be attacked, he doesn’t show a hint of fear.  He doesn’t run off to a bunker.  He doesn’t whine about not being popular.  He doesn’t desert America’s allies.  Seriously, he’s one of the best president that I’ve ever seen and I would certainly vote for Jeremiah Stewart in 2024 before I even considered casting a ballot for any of the other jokers that are running.  Just by casting Eric Roberts as the President, Top Gunner: America vs Russia wins the war.  When Roberts says that he doesn’t care what the official protocol is, you believe him.  I bet when he’s not fighting the Russians, President Stewart is working to repeal the 16th Amendment.  (That’s the one about income tax.)  Seriously, I want to see this guy on Mt. Rushmore.

Anyway, this is a typical Asylum film.  The special effects are cheap but it seems like everyone had fun working on the film and it’s hard not get swept up in the silliness of it all.  I mean, at one point, a fighter plane literally flies into space without a bit of concern for stuff like oxygen or heat shields or anything else.  It’s so shamelessly absurd that it feels rather churlish to nitpick.  Most importantly, it’s a movie about how America kicks ass and, in these troubled times, who can’t appreciate that?  I mean, how could we not kick ass with Eric Roberts leading us?

Previous Eric Roberts Films That We Have Reviewed:

  1. Star 80 (1983)
  2. Blood Red (1989)
  3. The Ambulance (1990)
  4. The Lost Capone (1990)
  5. Love, Cheat, & Steal (1993)
  6. Love Is A Gun (1994)
  7. Sensation (1994)
  8. Dark Angel (1996)
  9. Doctor Who (1996)
  10. Most Wanted (1997)
  11. Mr. Brightside (2004)
  12. Six: The Mark Unleased (2004)
  13. Hey You (2006)
  14. In The Blink of an Eye (2009)
  15. Enemies Among Us (2010)
  16. The Expendables (2010) 
  17. Sharktopus (2010)
  18. The Dead Want Women (2012)
  19. Deadline (2012)
  20. The Mark (2012)
  21. Miss Atomic Bomb (2012)
  22. Lovelace (2013)
  23. The Mark: Redemption (2013)
  24. Self-Storage (2013)
  25. This Is Our Time (2013)
  26. Inherent Vice (2014)
  27. Road to the Open (2014)
  28. Rumors of War (2014)
  29. Amityville Death House (2015)
  30. A Fatal Obsession (2015)
  31. Stalked By My Doctor (2015)
  32. Joker’s Poltergeist (2016)
  33. Prayer Never Fails (2016)
  34. Stalked By My Doctor: The Return (2016)
  35. The Wrong Roommate (2016)
  36. Dark Image (2017)
  37. Black Wake (2018)
  38. Stalked By My Doctor: Patient’s Revenge (2018)
  39. Clinton Island (2019)
  40. Monster Island (2019)
  41. Seven Deadly Sins (2019)
  42. Stalked By My Doctor: A Sleepwalker’s Nightmare (2019)
  43. The Wrong Mommy (2019)
  44. Exodus of a Prodigal Son (2020)
  45. Free Lunch Express (2020)
  46. Her Deadly Groom (2020)
  47. Top Gunner (2020)
  48. Deadly Nightshade (2021)
  49. Just What The Doctor Ordered (2021)
  50. Killer Advice (2021)
  51. The Poltergeist Diaries (2021)
  52. A Town Called Parable (2021)
  53. Bleach (2022)
  54. My Dinner With Eric (2022)

Lisa Marie’s Week In Television: 12/24/23 — 12/30/23


Happy holidays!  I’ve been visiting my sister Megan this week.  Unfortunately, I’ve also been dealing with a cold this week.  As a result, I’ve spent a lot of time in my sister’s guest room, getting caught up on all the daytime dramas!

Here’s some thoughts on what I watched:

All You Need Is Love (Night Flight Plus)

On Friday night, I watched an episode of this documentary series about the history of American music.  The episode dealt with the birth and popularity of jazz.  It featured a lot of very good music.  It also featured an interview with Hoagy Carmichael, who Ian Fleming often claimed James Bond was meant to physically resemble.

The Bold and the Beautiful (Weekday afternoons, NBC)

This week, I got caught up with this wonderfully over-the-top daytime drama.  I think it had been over a year since I last watched an episode of The Bold and the Beautiful so it was nice to see that everyone was still bold and still beautiful.

California Dreams (DVD)

Megan and I watched a few episodes of California Dreams throughout the week.  Megan agreed that I basically am like the red-headed version of Lorena Costa.

Days of Our Lives (Weekdays, Peacock)

Days of our Lives is on Peacock now.  Just as with The Bold and the Beautiful, it had been a while since I watched this show.  I watched several episodes this week but I’d be lying if I said I paid too much attention.  That said, the show was a nice distraction for when I was feeling ill.

Dr. Death (Peacock)

My sister Megan and I binged the second season of this show on Monday and Tuesday.  It was an interesting story, even if it wasn’t quite as strong as the first season.  I love Mandy Moore but she was a bit miscast as a tough New York journalist.

Dr. Phil (YouTube)

I watched a few episodes of Dr. Phil this week but I mostly just used them for background noise. I did make sure to pay attention to the episodes about the girl who was convinced that she was pregnant with Jesus.

The Garden: Commune or Cult?  (Max)

Megan and I binged this show on Wednesday night.  Personally, I think The Garden is more of a commune than a cult but mostly it’s just a place full of really annoying people.  Living off the grid has some appeal when it comes to not paying taxes but I’m just not a fan of living off the land.  I guess my ideal living situation would be to live in the city but not have to pay for anything.

 General Hospital (Weekday Afternoons, ABC)

It kind of bothers me that this show has scenes that take place outside of the hospital.

Jennifer Slept Here (YouTube)

I wrote about the final episode of Jennifer Slept Here …. here!

The Love Boat (Paramount Plus)

I wrote about The Love Boat here!

Monsters (Tubi)

I wrote about Monsters here!

Murder In Boston: Roots, Rampage, and Reckoning (Max)

Megan and I watched this last night.  This three-part docudrama dealt with a murder that occurred in Boston in the 80s.  The same story served as the basis for a movie that I reviewed back in October.  It’s an interesting story, though the docuseries was more interested in the cultural context of the crime than the crime itself.

Night Flight (Night Flight Plus)

I watched an episode on Friday about 80s cover tunes.

The Office (Sunday Morning, Comedy Central)

I watched two Christmas episodes on Sunday.  One was the Benihana Christmas episode from the Steve Carell years.  The other episode was from the post-Carell era.  The differences in quality were dramatic.  That show really went downhill after Steve Carell left.

Saved By The Bell (DVD)

Megan and I watched a few episodes of Saved By The Bell over the week.  We hit all the classics, No Hope With Dope, the episodes where Kelly dumped Zach for Jeff, the episode where Jessie got hooked on caffeine pills, and the rockumentary.

The Simpsons (Monday Morning, TBS)

I watched two Christmas episodes on Monday.  Fortunately, they both featured Kelsey Grammer as Sideshow Bob because both of them would have been pretty dire without his ability to turn even the lamest of lines into comedic gold.  One episode featured Bart getting lost in an underground missile silo.  The other featured Bob taking a job as a Santa’s Village Santa and helping to expose Mr. Burns as the person who stealing the town’s Christmas presents.  Both episodes were oddly mean-spirited at times, as if the show’s writers were trying to impress the Family Guy crowd.

T and T (Tubi)

Next week, I’ll be reviewing the episode that I watched this week.

Twilight Zone (SyFy)

Today, I’ve enjoyed several episodes of SyFy’s annual New Year’s Twilight Zone marathon.  This is one of those traditions that I hope never goes away.

The Young and the Restless (Weekday afternoons, NBC)

I’m happy to say that everyone is still restless, even if they’re not quite young.

Music Video of the Day: When The Sun Goes Down by Arctic Monkeys (2005, dir by Paul Fraser)


I once had a friend who owned a guitar and this was the only song that he ever sang.  That got old pretty quickly but this is still a very effective, well-directed, and well-acted video.

Enjoy!

Retro Television Reviews Will Return On January 1st!


Hi, everyone!

Typically, this is when I would post my weekly review of the old TV show, T and T.  However, our Retro Television Reviews feature is taking a break for the holiday weekend but it will return on January 1st!

Starting January 1st, our review schedule will be:

Monday — Miami Vice/CHiPs

Tuesday — Fantasy Island/Baywatch Nights

Wednesday — The Love Boat/Monsters

Thursday — ????/Highway to Heaven

Friday — T and T/Friday the 13th: The Series

Saturday — Welcome Back Kotter/Check It Out

Sunday — Weekly Made-For-TV Movie/Degrassi Junior High

Do you have a suggestion for what show should take over our open Thursday slot?  Let me know in the comments!

Have a great New Year!

Music Video of the Day: Boys by Britney Spears (2002, dir by Dave Meyers)


Today’s music video of the day is here to help you to get in the mood to party on New Year’s Eve.  If you don’t have plans to visit a castle and dance with Austin Powers and Taye Diggs, why don’t you?

Enjoy and here’s hoping for happiness (for Britney and all of us) in 2024!

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Highway to Heaven 1.14 “Plane Death”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Highway to Heaven, which aired on NBC from 1984 to 1989.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi and several other services!

This week, Jonathan and Mark enlist in the War on Drugs.

Episode 1.14 “Plane Death”

(Dir by Victor French, originally aired on January 9th, 1985)

In a small town in California, a man named Charlie Down (Robert Ford) drives his big family car down an isolated car.  One thing that that is immediately noticeable is that Charlie has a gigantic pair of fuzzy dice hanging from his rearview mirror.  That’s rarely a good sign.  The other thing that is immediately noticeable is that a remote control airplane is flying over the landscape.  As the audience will soon learn, the people in this town are obsessed with remote control airplanes.  That’s because drug dealer Jack Harm (Michael Bowen), the son of the local sheriff, is using the airplanes to smuggle cocaine.  When one of the planes crashes, Charlie rushes out to it and grabs the cocaine for himself.  He is pursued by Jack and his gang.  Charlie runs away from them.  An off-screen gunshot is heard.

What Jack doesn’t know is that the man that he murdered is an old friend of Mark Gordon’s (Victor French).  For the past few months, Mark has been on the road with angel Jonathan Smith (Michael Landon).  They’ve been taking care of people all over America.  But right now, they are between assignments.  They show up in town so that Mark can see his friend but, shortly after arriving, Mark is informed that Charlie has gone missing.  It doesn’t take Mark long to figure out what happened.  He announces that he’s going to get revenge, “just like in the Bible, eye for an eye.”

Fortunately, Jonathan is there to keep Mark from doing something that he might regret.  Before Mark can drive down to the local bar, Jonathan arranges for the police and the FBI to show up and take Jack and his gang into custody.  Jack’s father can only watch in disappointment as his son is taken off to prison.  When Mark thanks Jonathan for keeping him from making a mistake, Jonathan replies that he’s sure Mark would have stopped himself from killing anyone.  Mark says that he wouldn’t have been able to stop himself and Victor French’s delivery of the line is so somber and serious that there’s little doubt he was prepared to kill everyone in town.

At Charlie’s funeral, his young son (played by David Faustino) announces that he’s going to become a cop so that no other kids have to feel as bad as he feel right now.  Jonathan says that Charlie would be proud to hear that.  Mark asks Jonathan if the country is ever going to be able to win the war on drugs.

“If they don’t,” Jonathan replies, “they’re may not be a country to worry about.”

Yikes!  Setting aside the ultimate futility of the War on Drugs (which far too often became a war on addicts as opposed to war on the people making money off of them), this episode was actually pretty well-done.  Mark’s intense anger was perfectly portrayed, making him a bit frightening even if you understood his desire for revenge.  Michael Bowen’s superficially friendly psychopath was easy to dislike.  This was one of those episodes where the viewer appreciates the sincerity of the show’s emotions even if the legacy of the War on Drugs has ultimately been one of failure.

Retro Television Reviews: Jennifer Slept Here 1.13 “Take Jennifer, Please”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Jennifer Slept Here, which aired on NBC in 1983 and 1984.  The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

Today, we finish up Jennifer Slept Here!

Episode 1.13 “Take Jennifer, Please”

(Dir by Charles S. Dubin, originally aired on May 12th, 1984)

The final episode of Jennifer Slept Here opens with Joey in a panic.  His family is confused as to why Joey constantly appears to be talking to himself.  Both his bratty sister and his best friend have developed a habit of breaking into his room so that they can read his diary, which is full of his thoughts concerning Jennifer.  His father is concerned that Joey is having a breakdown.  His mother continues to insist that it’s just a phase.

And Joey thinks that they might be right.  He’s suddenly no longer 100% sure that Jennifer is real.  Maybe he is just seeing things.  Maybe he is losing his mind.  Maybe….

Maybe this doesn’t make any sense from a continuity point of view because it goes against everything that we’ve see over the past 12 episodes. Joey and Jennifer have been hanging out together for a very long time.  Jennifer has repeatedly helped Joey out.  On one occasion, Jennifer’s help even involved making herself visible to the other members of the householdJoey has watched Jennifer possess people in the houseJoey has experienced a fake exorcist putting Jennifer in a jar Joey has met other ghosts!  Just last week, his tutor turned out to be a ghost who had been sent to take Jennifer’s place.  Judging from the previous episodes, it would seem that Joey got over his doubts a long time ago and, for that matter, his family now seems to be used to him talking to himself.

I have a theory.  I have no proof for this theory.  This is based on my own gut feeling as someone who has watched and read about the production of a lot of old TV shows.  You’ll notice that this episode was not directed by the show’s usual director, John Bowab.  Instead, it was directed by Charles S. Dubin, who also directed the pilot.  Here’s my guess.  This episode was probably meant to air much earlier in the season.  It wouldn’t surprise me if maybe it was meant to be the second episode or if maybe the pilot was even originally meant to be an hour-long special, with this episode serving as the second half.  (I mean, the neurotic Joey in this episode has a lot more in common with the Joey of the pilot than the Joey of the rest of the series.)  For whatever reason, though, this episode did not air when it was originally meant to.  I’m going to guess this episode sat in limbo for a while and then the network decided to use it to close out the season, despite the fact that the previous episode felt more like a season finale than this one does.  That’s my theory, take it or leave it.

(Also, as support of this theory, I would point out that this episode features Jennifer telling Joey the story of how she died, which seems like something she would have mentioned when they were still getting to know each other.  Joey’s little sister appears to be significantly younger than she did in the previous few episodes.  And, finally, George is just as negative in his comments about Jennifer’s love life as he was in the pilot.  This was initially one of George’s least appealing traits and it was one that was largely abandoned about the first two episodes.)

As for the episode itself, Joey is desperate for Jennifer to prove to him that she’s real and not a figment of his imagination.  So, Jennifer tells Joey that, before she died, she sent a note to Joey’s father explaining that she hadn’t written a will.  That note is sitting in a vault in George’s office and no one has ever seen it.  Jennifer and Joey break into the vault and retrieve the letter.  Not only does this prove to Joey that Jennifer exists but it also gives Joey a chance to help out his father, who has been having to deal with all sorts of people coming out of the woodwork and claiming to be the beneficiary of Jennifer’s estate.  It also provides an excuse for the invisible Jennifer to humiliate a nosy security guard by dousing him in liquor and causing his pants to fall off.

If you can look past the continuity issues, this is actually a funny episode.  This show was always at its best when Jennifer was allowed to be mischievous force of chaos and that’s certainly the case here.  I will admit that I laughed when Joey ordered Jennifer to prove her existence by shaking the breakfast table, just for Jennifer to discover that shaking a table is not as easy as it looks.  Jennifer cracking the safe at the office was also amusing, mostly because Jennifer was obviously having a lot of fun committing a felony.  Of course, when the security guard does show up, Joey’s the one at risk for being arrested for a felony.

Overall, Jennifer Slept Here was not a bad show.  Having now watched all 13 episodes, I can say that this show may have been uneven but it had more hits than misses.  Though the supporting characters never really had much personality and the writers never seemed to set any definite rules as to what Jennifer could and couldn’t do as a ghost, the chemistry between Ann Jillian and John P. Navin, Jr. kept things lively and Jillian had a talent for delivering sardonic one-liners.  This show was cancelled after 13 episodes and that may be for the best because there’s only so many “safe-for-network-TV” storylines that a show about a ghost and a teenager can really explore.  Still, Jennifer Slept Here definitely had a lot of charm to it.

Next week …. I’ll be reviewing something else!  What will it be?  I have no idea but it will be something.  Check here next Thursday to find out what I found!