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Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Baywatch Nights 1.12 “Thin Blood”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Baywatch Nights, an detective show that ran in Syndication from 1995 to 1997.  The entire show is currently streaming on Youtube!

You guys know the drill.  Thanks to the Vicodin I took earlier, I spent Tuesday in a bit of a daze.  So, I’m running late with my review of Baywatch Nights.  Fear not!  Here it is:

Episode 1.12 “Thin Blood”

(Dir by Georg Fenady, originally aired on February 10th, 1996)

Ryan’s sister has come to Los Angeles!

Charlie McBride (Laura Harring) claims that she’s just in town to see her sister but Ryan has her doubts.  Charlie has always been the irresponsible member of the family and Ryan can only watch helplessly as Charlie and Mitch pursue a tentative romance.  Since this is a Baywatch spin-off, that means that Charlie and Mitch spend a lot of time on jet skis.  It’s not true love unless you get on the jet skis.  Charlie also takes the time reveal that Ryan could have been a model and a pageant winner if she hadn’t abandoned everything to be a private eye.  To that, I say, “Well, yeah.  She’s Angie Harmon.”

However, it turns out that Ryan was correct.  Some New York criminals are in town, searching for the money that they claim Charlie stole from them.  They’re even willing to kidnap Ryan and hold her hostage until they get their money back.  Once again, it’s up to Mitch and Garner to do their thing and rescue Ryan.  Interestingly enough, they manage to do so pretty easily.  This is one of those episodes where the bad guys are so incompetent that they are pretty much doomed from the start.  David Hasselhoff may have captured them but Billy Warlock and Erika Eleniak probably could have done the job just as easily.  Hell, I bet Parker Stevenson could have done it.  Maybe even Kelly Ward.

Anyway, the emphasis here is on Ryan and her feelings of resentment towards her sister and her feelings for Mitch.  Though it was pretty much abandoned once the show became an X-Files rip-off during the second season, the first season of Baywatch Nights really tried to play up the will they or won’t they aspect of Ryan and Mitch’s relationship.  There really wasn’t much suspense about that.  Angie Harmon and David Hasselhoff had a likable chemistry but it was a brother/sister type of relationship.  There was nothing romantic about it, at least not in 49 of the 50 states.  Ryan liked Mitch but she also knew she could do better.  That was why Ryan was such a cool character.

This was a pretty forgettable episode, one that was really only interesting for a chance to see Laura Harring play the same type of role she would later play to far different effect in David Lynch’s Mulholland Drive.  It’s late so I’m going to leave it at that.  Baywatch Nights needs to hurry up and bring on the aliens and the vampires or the sea monsters!

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 4.11 “The Artist and the Lady/Elizabeth’s Baby”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986.  Almost the entire show is currently streaming is on Youtube, Daily Motion, and a few other sites.

Sorry for the late review!  I’m currently on Vicodin (nothing to worry about) and it set me far behind today.

Episode 4.11 “The Artist And The Lady/Elizabeth’s Baby”

(Dir by Michael Vejar, originally aired on January 17th, 1981)

This week, we have two new fantasies.  One is surprisingly sweet.  The other is about as dumb as can be.

Poor Tattoo!  Because Mr. Roarke is busy with the good fantasy this week, it largely falls on Tattoo to play host for the bad fantasy.  Kermit Dobbs (Don Most) is a nerdy art teacher who wants to be a real artist.  Before leaving to oversee the good fantasy, Roarke gives Dobbs a potion that, when Dobbs drinks it, gives him the talent of Patrick O’Herlihy (Peter Brown), a mad Irish artist who, for some reason, lives in the wilds of Fantasy Island.  What Dobbs doesn’t know that is that the potion not only gives him Patrick’s talent but it also apparently gives him the knowledge of every woman that Patrick has slept with on the island.  When Kermit paints a picture of a Deborah Dare (Michelle Pfeiffer — wait, what!?) and knows just where to place her birthmark, it leads to the men on the Island chasing Kermit into the wilderness.

It’s in the wilds that Kermit meets Patrick and they spend some time drinking and talking about art.  Eventually, Kermit gives up his claim to Patrick’s talent and he leaves the island with Deborah.  Meanwhile, all the men on the Island now want to kill Patrick so I’m not really sure that this qualifies as a good ending.

That was all really stupid, with every actor in the fantasy going overboard with their characters.  Don Most apparently went a week without shaving before appearing on this episode, in an attempt to come across as someone with an artistic soul.  It didn’t work.

The far better fantasy featured Eve Plumb as Elizabeth Blake, a woman who is pregnant and who know that she will probably die in childbirth.  Her fantasy is to have a chance to see what her daughter’s future life will be like.  Though reluctant, Mr. Roarke travels with her to three separate years in the future.  (Interestingly enough, even though they eventually end up traveling 20 years into the future, the world still looks like the 70s.)  At first, Elizabeth is happy to see that her daughter will have an apparently happy childhood but things get progressively darker until finally, Lisa Blake (Alison Arngrim) has run away from home and is working as a prostitute.  Mr. Roarke allows Elizabeth to talk to Lisa (hey!) on the condition that Elizabeth not reveal her identity.  Elizabeth is able to convince Lisa to go back home.

It’s a sweet but rather sad story.  Even as Elizabeth leaves Fantasy Island with the knowledge that she was able to help her daughter, she still leaves with the knowledge that she’s going to die in childbirth.  In the lead role, Eve Plumb is as good as Don Most was bad.

That one good fantasy is so good that it saves the episode.  That bad fantasy is so bad that it keeps this episode from being the classic that it should have been.  Such is life on Fantasy Island.

 

Music Video of the Day: Everything Turns Blue by Chelsea Wolfe (2024, dir by Anthony Ciannamea)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Today’s music video of the day comes to use from Chelsea Wolfe.  Everything Turns Blue, the song says, and this video certainly proves that to be true.

Enjoy!

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: CHiPs 1.12 “Aweigh We Go”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing CHiPs, which ran on NBC from 1977 to 1983.  The entire show is currently streaming on Freevee!

This week, Ponch and Baker are ordered to make life difficult for the Teamsters!

Episode 1.12 “Aweigh We Go!”

(Dir by Ivan Nagy, originally aired on December 22nd, 1977)

No, that’s not a typo.  The name of this episode is indeed “Aweigh We Go.”  It makes sense once you watch the episode.

Things get off to a classic CHiPs start, with Baker and Ponch chasing some rich scumbag in a fancy sportscar.  The driver doesn’t think he has to slow down or pull over, even when he’s being pursued by the cops.  He’s such a reckless driver that he nearly sideswipes a station wagon that is towing a boat.  The boat gets loose and crashes into a beauty salon.  No one’s hurt but Ponch is excited when he discovers the boat’s for sale.  He starts making plans to buy the boat from its owner (Sean Morgan), a guy who is named Sven Larson for no particular reason.

Unfortunately, Ponch makes the mistake of mentioning his plans in front of Sgt. Getraer.  Getraer proceeds to buy the boat out from under him.  Ponch, needless to say, is miffed and Getraer finally agrees to co-own the boat with Baker and Ponch.

That’s not the only surprise that Getraer has up his sleeve.  Because of an officer shortage, he is forced to send Ponch and Baker to work at a weighing station for a week.  Under the sarcastic command of Capt, Vogt (played by Bruce Glover, who is best-known for playing Mr. Kidd in Live and Let Die), Baker and Ponch learn all about how to weigh trucks to make sure that they are in regulation.  Interestingly enough, the episode devoted a lot of time to showing how a weighing station works.  You could probably argue that it actually spends too much time on it.  Myself, I have family in the trucking industry so I found it interesting to see what they would have had to deal with in the 70s.  I imagine all of the nitpicky rules and regulations are probably even worse today.

Of course, there’s still time for the usual CHiPs shenanigans.  Ponch and Baker chase down and arrest a hijacker played by a rather sinister Gerald McRaney.  And they rescue a baby from a crashed car.  As usual, the emphasis is on all of the members of the Highway Patrol working together to keep the world safe for drivers.

As for the boat, it sinks the first time Ponch tries to take it out on the water.  Oh, Ponch!  Usually, I’m pretty critical of Erik Estrada’s scenery chewing performance on this show but I will admit to laughing at his rather frantic facial expression as he watched the boat sink.

This was a pleasant episode.  I stand with the truckers!

Retro Television Reviews: Miami Vice 1.20 “Nobody Lives Forever”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing Miami Vice, which ran on NBC from 1984 to 1989.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

Sorry, it’s been a busy day and I’m a little bit medicated and, as a result, this review is posting later than expected.  Fortunately, this week’s episode is also about someone struggling to keep up with their schedule.  Read on!

Episode 1.20 “Nobody Lives Forever”

(Dir by Jim Johnston, originally aired on March 29th, 1985)

Nobody lives forever, the title tells us.  That’s certainly true in 1980s Miami.

Three teenage punks have gone on a crime spree, killing innocent civilians and criminals alike.  The punks (who are played by Frank Military, Michael Carmine, and Lionel Chute) are initially easy to laugh off because of how over the top they are.  When they decide to go to the beach and rob a bookie, they start chanting, “Bookie!  Bookie!”  But, just because they’re ludicrous, that doesn’t make them any less dangerous.  From the very first scene, they’re shooting at people and laughing like maniacs.  As informant Izzy Moreno puts it, these are three guys who know that “they’re already dead.”  They’ve got both the police and the mob (represented by Peter Friedman and a young Giancarlo Esposito) after them.  They might as well go out in a blaze of glory.

What else would you expect from three people who drive this car?

Vice is after the teenagers but, for once, Sonny Crockett has got other things on his mind.  Sonny is dating a wealthy architect named Brenda (Kim Greist) and he’s spending all of his free time at her mansion.  Even when he’s working the streets, Sonny is thinking about Brenda.  He misses a chance to capture the three teens because he is too busy talking to Brenda on the phone.  Later, Tubbs gets severely beaten up because Brenda allowed Sonny to oversleep and Tubbs had to go on a stakeout alone.

Brenda asks Sonny if it’s true that a cop partnership is like a marriage and this episode certainly suggests it is and an obsessive one at that.  All of the members of the Vice Squad get annoyed with Sonny for finding happiness off the grubby streets of Miami.  Castillo doesn’t think Sonny is focused.  Tubbs thinks that Sonny is losing his edge.  Gina is upset that Sonny led her on earlier in the season.  Switek and Zito …. well, they’re too busy reading comic books to really care much about Sonny’s problems.

There are several artfully composed shots of Sonny and Brenda floating in her pool and discussing how Sonny can go from having a gun pulled on him to relaxing at home without missing a beat.  Don Johnson and Kim Greist had a lot of chemistry and it’s impossible not to feel bad when Sonny realizes that he can either be Brenda’s lover or he can be a cop but he can’t be both.

In the end, the punks end up getting gunned down by Vice and Sonny ends the best relationship he’s ever had.  And Tubbs?  He sits on the beach and plays his saxophone.

That’s life in Miami.

Music Video of the Day: Night of the Hunter by The Libertines (2023, dir by Alexander Brown)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Today’s music video of the day is the atmospheric video for the Libertine’s Night of the Hunter.  This is the second single off of their upcoming album, All Quiet on the Eastern Esplande, which is due to be released in March!

Enjoy!

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Degrassi Junior High 2.5 “Stage Fright”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Sunday, I will be reviewing the Canadian series, Degrassi Junior High, which aired on CBC and PBS from 1987 to 1989!  The series can be streamed on YouTube!

After spending the half of season 2 in the background, Caitlin takes center stage in this week’s episode.

Episode 2.5 “Stage Fright” 

(Dir by John Bertram, originally aired on February 1st, 1988)

Caitlin (Stacie Mistysyn), who is destined to become a major figure in the Degrassi franchise, finally gets a season 2 spotlight episode.  As the episode starts, she is undergoing a round of scary brain scans as the result of having had a seizure during the break.  The result of those scans is that Caitlin is diagnosed as being epileptic and is put on medication to control the seizures.

The problem, of course, is that Caitlin has to take the medicine three times a day and that includes at school.  Caitlin doesn’t want to take her medicine at school, especially when one of her classmates is the gossipy and judgmental Kathleen (played by Rebecca Haines).  It’s hard enough with her parents constantly worrying about her without having to deal with what all of her classmates are going to think.

So, Caitlyn doesn’t tell anyone that she has epilipsey.  And when she goes to Susie’s latest sleepover, Caitlyn doesn’t take her medicine with her.  (You know where this is going, right?)  Caitlin has a seizure in front of everyone, including Kathleen!

Now, not only does Kathleen know that Caitlin is epileptic but Kathleen has also been cast as the lead in the school play, with Caitlin playing a supporting role.  At first, Caitlin says she won’t do the play but Susie points out that Caitlin is just saying that because she’s jealous of Kathleen getting the lead role.  Plus, Rick Munro (Craig Driscoll, getting his first major season 2 storyline) is there to tell Kathleen to shut up when Kathleen starts to talk about snidely about Caitlin’s seizure.  Go Rick!

While this is going on, poor Michelle (Maureen McKay) struggles with her natural shyness when she’s assigned to give a speech in class.  Joey is a real jerk to her in this episode.  Bad Joey!  The grown-up Joey from Degrassi: The Next Generation would really hate teenage Joey.  Fortunately, Michelle eventually does what every shy person does when they have to give a speech.  She opens with a joke.  By the end of class, Joey is begging her to help him write his speech.

Oh, I could relate to this episode on so many levels.  First off, like Michelle, I know what it’s like to be shy.  (Unlike Michelle, I deal with being shy by talking so much that there isn’t any time for any awkward silences.)  As for Caitlin’s storyline, I am not epileptic but I’ve been diagnosed with enough things that I do know what it’s like to have a well-meaning parent driving you crazy by asking a hundred questions about how you’re feeling and whether you’re taking your meds.  That said, what really made me relate to Cailtin is the fact that I have asthma and, in high school, I always dreaded the idea of 1) having an asthma attack in front of everyone and 2) having to use my inhaler while everyone stared at me.  Even worse were the times I would realize that I had left my inhaler at home and I would spend so much time worrying about it that I would almost give myself an attack from stress.  I would always end up calling my mom or one of my sisters and begging them to bring me my inhaler.  Of course, I would also have to find a way to sneak out of the building so that they could give me the inhaler without it becoming a big scene….

(In retrospect, I think I may have made things a bit more complicated in high school than they needed to be.)

My point is, this was a good episode that dealt honestly and nonjudgmentally with issues that all teenagers throughout history have had to deal with.  This episode was Degrassi at its best.

Retro Television Reviews: Suddenly Single (dir by Jud Taylor)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Sundays, I will be reviewing the made-for-television movies that used to be a primetime mainstay.  Today’s film is 1971’s Suddenly Single!  It  can be viewed on YouTube.

Suddenly Single opens with middle-aged Larry Hackett (Hal Holbrook) loading his suitcases into the back of his car.  His neighbors (David Huddleston and Pamela Rodgers) come over to say goodbye.  Larry has just gotten divorced and, as a result, he’s lost his perfect house in the suburbs.  Now, he’s going to have to move into the city and start a new life but he assures his neighbors that he’ll be okay and that there aren’t any hard feelings between him and his ex, Joanne (Cloris Leachman).  Sometimes, marriages just don’t work out….

Then Joanne shows up….

With her new husband, Ted (Fred Bier)!

While Larry can only watch, Ted insists on picking up Joanne and carrying her over the threshold of what used to be Larry’s house.  As it dawns on him that Joanne was having an affair during the final days of their marriage, Larry is understandably miffed.

Larry just isn’t ready to find himself in the world of the early 70s.  He’s an extremely conservative pharmacist who will now have to deal with hippies and the single scene.  His co-worker (Harvey Korman) encourages Larry to hit the bars.  Marlene (Agnes Moorehead) encourages him to figure out what he wants to do with his life.  His new and much younger neighbor, Jackie (Margot Kidder), tells him that he needs to get a gym membership and be more open-minded.  At first, Larry pursues a relationship with the classy Evelyn Baxter (Barbara Rush) but then he’s drawn to Jackie.  And Jackie, oddly enough, is drawn to him….

Quicker than you can say Breezy, Larry is dating the much younger Jackie and he’s starting to wear hip clothes and hang out with cool, long-haired people.  When he runs into his old neighbors on the street, he discovers that he no longer has much in common with them.  However, Larry still finds himself becoming jealous and possessive of Jackie, who is not the type of to give up her freedom for a relationship.  In the end, Larry is forced to admit that, while he has become more open-minded following his divorce, he still can’t magically change who he is.

Suddenly Single has a great cast and it’s not surprising that it’s a well-acted film.  At the same time, Larry can be a bit of a jerk.  Evelyn is the nicest person in the entire movie and Larry basically breaks her heart so that he can pursue an obviously doomed relationship with the younger Jackie.  It’s a bit sad to watch because everyone but Larry can see what he’s doing.  Larry may be wiser by the end of the film but that’s small solace to Evelyn.  Suddenly Single is about flawed characters and, as such, it can be easy to get annoyed with Larry and Jackie while also appreciating the fact that, like all of us, they’re just trying to figure out life as they go along.

Suddenly Single acts as a bit of time capsule and watching it is as probably as close as one can get to 1971 without a time machine.  It’s a trip to the past with some of the best actors of the era.

Music Video of the Day: Infatuation by I Don’t Know How But They Found Me (2024, dir by Matt Glass)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

This video starts out like a throwback to the fun videos of the 80s but it starts to feel progressively creepier as things develop.  That’s always a good thing.  Music videos should always leave you feeling somewhat disturbed, if just to make sure that you don’t forget that all good songs are open to interpretation.  What may be a happy wedding song to you might be the world’s most morbid funeral song to me.  Is the song the start of a new life or a reminder of the inevitability of death?

Enjoy!

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Check it Out 1.16 “Dog Day After Dark”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Saturdays, I will be reviewing the Canadian sitcom, Check it Out, which ran in syndication from 1985 to 1988.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

I’ve had a busy day and I’m running behind because I’ve been doing totally responsible stuff and not because I’ve been watching trashy talk shows.  Definitely not!  Anyway, this review is a little late.  That said, when you’re reviewing an obscure Canadian sitcom from the 80s, you can probably be as late as you want.

Episode 1.16 “Dog Day After Dark”

(Dir by John Bell, originally aired on February 1st, 1986)

Howard is super excited because not only is his birthday coming up but he’s also got a side hustle.  He’s appearing in commercials for Cobb’s, dressed in a giant cheeseball costume and encourage everyone to buy the store brand cheese.  When a group of protestors shows up at the store to protest just how unhealthy the Cobb’s cheeseballs are, Howard orders them kicked out.  Their leader, wealthy hamburger restaurant heiress Sonja (Sheila McCarthy), vows to return and to make sure that all of Canada knows how unhealthy their diet truly is.

(Violent and wealthy vegans who want to control everyone’s lives?  Check It Out! may be a silly sitcom but it still managed to predict our silly sitcom future.)

Meanwhile, Edna is busy trying to put together an after-hours surprise party for Howard in the breakroom.  (Check It Out! has never been that consistent when it comes to portraying the staff’s feelings towards Howard.  There are some episodes where Howard is a jerk and everyone dislikes him.  However, in this episode, they all love him and can’t wait to celebrate with him.)  Edna tells security guard Alf to distract Howard while she gets things set up.  Unfortunately, Alf is so busy telling Howard about his cat that he’s not at his post when Sonja and her followers show up and take everyone hostage.

In some scenarios, this could lead to a Die Hard situation, with Howard taking on the role for John McClane.  And, indeed, that would be kind of fun.  But this is Check It Out!, one of the most Canadian sitcoms of all time.  So, everyone decides to celebrate Howard’s birthday even though they’re being held hostage, the terrorists are more goofy than dangerous, and, as the police and media rush into the store, Howard ends up eating one of the cheeseballs and getting sick on Canadian television.

(Despite being a very Canadian show, Check It Out! usually tried to obscure what country the show was actually set in so that it would have a better chance of finding an audience in the U.S.A.  That said, it’s hard not to notice that all of the vegan terrorists have French names.)

This was a pretty silly episode bit it was hard not to appreciate the goofiness of it all.  It was dumb but it was also light-hearted and good-natured, as the better episodes of this show tend to be.