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Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 4.22 “Sally’s Paradise/I Love You, Too, Smith/Mama and Me”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, Gopher finds love!

Episode 4.22 “Sally’s Paradise/I Love You, Too, Smith/Mama and Me”

(Dir by Earl Bellamy, originally aired on March 7th, 1981)

Occasionally, on The Love Boat, a member of the crew would happen to find love.

It seemed to happen most often to Julie.  Having watched three and three-quarters seasons of The Love Boat, I’ve lost track of the number of times that I’ve seen Julie tear up while saying goodbye to a passenger with whom she had fallen in love.  Isaac also seems to have had his share of shipboard romances.  Doc is almost always seen escorting someone to his cabin.  The Captain is usually busy running the ship but he’s found a few opportunities to fall in love.

And then there’s Gopher.  Poor, goofy Gopher.  He’s had a handful of cruise romances but, compared to his co-workers, they tend to be few and far apart.  This week, however, Gopher finally gets to have another romance.  (Perhaps not coincidentally, the Gopher storyline was co-written by Fred Grandy.)

Angelina Blenderman (Joanna Pettet) is the by-the-book customs agent who always takes her time checking people’s luggage when they disembark from the ship.  Blenderman and Gopher have an antagonistic relationship, with her making fun of him for wearing shorts with his uniform and Gopher complaining that Blenderman is a humorless scold.  But when Blenderman boards the ship and Gopher discovers that her boyfriend, Ray (Christopher Pennock), is a total cad who is cheating on her, Gopher and Blenderman fall in love.

And you know what?  It’s actually really sweet.  Fred Grandy and Joanna Pettet had a lot of chemistry and they made for a cute couple.  Pettet did an especially good job of capturing the insecurity lurking beneath the abrasive surface.  My heart really broke for her when she first discovered Ray cheating on her.  (Grandy himself had a nice moment where he shyly revealed to Blenderman that his little-used first name was actually “Burl.”  “Stick with Smith,” Blenderman replies.)  I was happy to see that Blenderman and Gopher were still together at the end of the cruise.

As for the other (less interesting) stories, Sally (Juliet Mills) is the manager of the ship’s gift shop.  When Julie hears that Sally’s fiancé, Donald (Gary Conway), is boarding the ship, she is excited for Sally.  Then Sally’s other fiancé, Ricardo (Pedro Armendariz, Jr.), unexpectedly boards the ship.  And then Henry (Kenneth Kimmins) boards the ship and Julie learns that Sally has gotten engaged to a third man!  None of the men know about each other.  Sally explains to Julie that she loves something different about all three of them.  When Donald, Ricardo, and Henry all stop by the gift shop at the same time, Sally’s secret is revealed.  Realizing that she has to choose and having been assured by the men that they will respect her choice, Sally decides to remain single and continue to date all three of the men.  Good for Sally!  On the one hand, her actions are very manipulative, regardless of how much she loves each man.  On the other hand, she is right when she says she has the right to explore different things and enjoy her life.  Somehow, Juliet Mills makes Sally into a likable character.  (One can only imagine how cringey this episode would have been if Hayley had played the role.)

Finally, Natalie Corson (Sylvia Sidney) boards the ship with her son, Stanley (Eddie Mekka).  Natalie wants Stanley to marry a woman that he’s not in love with.  Stanley would rather marry his childhood friend, Jill (Joan Prather).  Natalie accuses Jill of being a nudist because she wears a bikini but eventually, Natalie comes to realize that she’s not being fair and her son deserves to be happy.  The problem with this story was that Stanley was such a wimp that you couldn’t help but feel that Jill deserved better.

With the exception of the third story, this was a fun cruise.  I’m glad Gopher found love and Sally found lust.  It was an enjoyable trip on the boat that offers something for everyone.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Baywatch Nights 2.9 “Night Whispers”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Baywatch Nights, a detective show that ran in Syndication from 1995 to 1997.  The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

This week, a vampire comes to California!

Episode 2.9 “Night Whispers”

(Dir by Reza Badiyi, originally aired on  November 24th, 1996)

The mysterious Francesca (Felicity Waterman) is being held in police custody as a suspect in the murder of a jogger.  The jogger was found with his throat slit.  Ryan, who was there when the body was found, suspects that Francesca might be vampire.

Why?  Ryan has her reasons.

  1. Francesca speaks with the same type of unplaceable Eastern European accent that all vampires tend to speak with.
  2. Francesca wears sunglasses inside and says she can’t go out during the day because her eyes are just too sensitive to the sunlight.
  3. Francesca occasionally wears a cape.
  4. Francesca wears gloves to hide her vampire hands.
  5. Francesca’s gown was splattered with the dead guy’s blood.
  6. Francesca does not cast a reflection in her apartment’s mirror.

(Why do vampires even own mirrors?)

Ryan seems like she has a pretty good case but Mitch is skeptical.  Mitch doesn’t believe in any of that supernatural stuff, despite the fact that he’s spent the past few months dealing with sea monsters, ghosts, and government conspiracies.  Just a few episodes ago, he stepped into a house and was transported through time!

I mean, don’t get me wrong.  I understand skepticism.  For the most part, I’m a skeptic too.  But the main reason that I’m such an adamant skeptic is because I haven’t ever had anything supernatural happen to me.  Now, if I started meeting ghosts and sea monsters on a regular basis, I would probably become less of a skeptic.  I would reexamine all of my prejudices and I would say, “Hey, maybe something is out there.”

Not Mitch, though!  Mitch listens to Ryan explain why she thinks Francesca is a vampire and he laughs it off.  What’s odd is that it takes Ryan forever to get around to mentioning that Francesca does not cast a reflection.  Instead, she fixates on Francesca wearing gloves in California.  Trust me, the whole mirror thing is a lot more convincing than the glove thing.  Some people wear gloves and some people don’t but everyone (except for the undead) casts a reflection.  Ryan also points out that Francesca doesn’t have a birth certificate and ….. SHE’S NOT REGISTERED TO VOTE!

A trip to the police station to visit Francesca goes terribly wrong when Francesca gets out of her cell and proceeds to stalk Mitch, Ryan, a detective, a pimp, and two prostitutes through the building.  Though Francesca is willing to drink anyone’s blood, it becomes obvious that she’s obsessed with capturing the Hoff and really, who can blame her?  I imagine she would be quite popular with her co-workers if she was the one who turned the Hoff into a vampire.

This is a deeply silly episode but the same can be said of just about every episode of Baywatch Nights.  There’s no reason to take this show seriously.  The important thing is that the action movies fairly quickly, Felicity Waterman appears to be having a ball as the vampire, and the Hoff and Angie Harmon get to show off the chemistry that made Baywatch Nights a lot more fun than it had any right being.  This may not be a classic vampire tale but it’s an entertaining one.

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 5.8 “Lillian Russell/The Lagoon”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984.  Unfortunately, the show has been removed from most streaming sites.  Fortunately, I’ve got nearly every episode on my DVR.

Episode 5.8 “Lillian Russell/The Lagoon”

(Dir by Don Weis, originally aired on November 28th, 1981)

Tattoo is in this episode, which means that Julie only appears long enough to tell Mr. Roarke that she’s going to busy exploring the island with a bunch of hunky professors.  (It says a lot about how poorly the Julie character has been developed that I couldn’t tell if Julie was supposed to be naive or clever when it came to going off with the men.) 

At this point, it’s obvious that Julie was only added to the show to act as insurance in case Herve Villechaize walked off the set.  Early on in the season, when Herve was apparently negotiating for a better contract, Julie had a few episodes where she was Roarke’s main assistant while Tattoo was described as being elsewhere on the island.  But in the episodes where Tattoo is present, Julie always has to go do something else for the weekend.  Ironically, Julie is such a bland and unnecessary character that it actually proves Herve Villechaize’s point about how important Tattoo was to the success of the show.  By having Julie always leave whenever Tattoo is present, the show really only reminds the viewer that Roarke only needs on assistant and it’s Tattoo.

As for this week’s fantasies, they both have to do with the past.

Calvin Pearson (Claude Akin) has just spent years in prison for a crime that he didn’t commit.  He’s finally been released and, understandably, he really doesn’t want to have much to do with the rest of the world.  When he was a child, he spent a summer on a nearby island with his father.  His father was fisherman and Calvin claims that he once caught a fish that could sing.  Calvin wants to spend the weekend on the Island and he wants to catch the same serenading fish.

Sound like a pretty simple fantasy, right?  Well, Calvin is not happy to discover that the he’s not alone on “my island.”  There’s now a trading post, run by Jake Dutton (Broderick Crawford) and his daughter, Mira (Pamela Susan Shoop).  Even worse, there are some recently escaped convicts (led by Glenn Corbett) who want to kidnap Mira!  At first, Calvin refuses to get involved.  He just wants to fish.  But, in the end, he finally does the right thing and saves the Duttons.  

What about the “serenading fish?”  Calvin may not have caught a fish but he did capture the heart of Mira, who hums a tune that she says she once heard out on the lagoon.  Calvin leaves the Island alone but he tells Roarke that he plans to return so that he can work at the trading post with the Duttons.

This fantasy was a bit predictable and you really do have to wonder why Roarke insists on nearly getting his guests killed every week.  It seems like that would lead to a lawsuit.  But the fantasy does feature a good performance from Claude Akin as a man who manages to conquer his own bitterness.

As for the other fantasy, it features Phyllis Davis as a writer named Lilly Martin who wants to write a book about the singer Lillian Russell.  Roarke sends her back to 1890s New York and literally transforms Lilly into Lillian Russell, complete with singing talent and two notorious suitors, “Diamond Jim” Brady (Gene Barry) and Peter Whiting (Craig Stevens).  This fantasy was enjoyable eye candy, with Lilly getting to dress up as Lillian Russell and getting to wear all sorts of jewels.  Unfortunately, it’s also a fantasy that ends with a poker game.  I’ve never been able to follow poker and I always groan a little whenever the plot of a show hinges on the outcome.  Whenever people start talking about “bluffing” and “royal flushes,” and all that, my eyes just glaze over and that was the case here.

That said, at least Mr. Roarke got to take part in Lilly’s fantasy, popping up not once but three times to see how everything was going!  In fact, Mr. Roarke and Tattoo also popped up in Calvin’s fantasy.  It’s always fun when Roarke drops in.

The poker game aside, this was an enjoyable trip to the Island.  Season 5 has been a bit uneven but this was one of the better episodes.

Late Night Retro Television Review: CHiPs 2.11 “Supercycle”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing CHiPs, which ran on NBC from 1977 to 1983.  The entire show is currently streaming on Freevee!

A daredevil motorcyclist known as the Phantom is making the street dangerous in Los Angeles!  Can Ponch and Baker catch him before it’s too late?

Episode 2.11 “Supercycle”

(Dir by Phil Bondelli, originally aired on December 2nd, 1978)

From what I’ve read, Larry Wilcox was apparently often unhappy on the set of CHiPs and, watching this week’s episode, I can see why.

This week’s episode follows only one storyline.  A motorcycle-riding daredevil known as the Phantom (George O’Hanlon, Jr.) is driving around Los Angeles and doing stunts.  It’s all a part of a promotion that’s being run by the unscrupulous Fred Gesslin (Jason Evers).  When Ponch and Baker chase the Phantom and end up losing him, footage ends up on the news and totally humiliates the Highway Patrol.  Getraer is even less amused than usual.

Luckily, Harlan has a supercycle in the garage.  Ponch and Baker decide to take the Supercycle out so that they can use it to capture the Phantom.  Ponch and Baker both get a chance to test the Supercycle on the test track.  Ponch is a natural.  Baker crashes.  So, of course, Ponch is the one who gets to ride the Supercycle….

AND THAT’S THE WAY IT ALWAYS IS ON THIS SHOW!

Seriously, if there’s anything cool to do, Ponch is going to be the one to do it.  If there’s an exciting story, it’s going to center around Ponch.  Despite the fact that Larry Wilcox looks a hundred times more comfortable on a motorcycle than Erik Estrada, Baker is always going to take a back seat to Ponch.  Seriously, that would bother anyone!  In this case, it means that Ponch is the one who gets to use the Supercycle.  Baker can just stand in the background and force himself to smile.  Poor Baker!

Now, Baker does get a small measure of revenge.  He’s the one who gets a date with Sheila Martin (Karen Carlson).  Sheila owns the advertising company that Fred is working with to promote the Phantom.  Since Sheila knew about the Phantom and didn’t immediately share that information with Ponch and Baker, it really seems like she should have gotten in as much trouble as Fred.  But Baker needs a date so Sheila’s off the hook.  Oddly enough, the Phantom is let off the hook too.  It turns out that he’s just an innocent guy from the country who was led astray by Fred.  Never mind the Phantom could have killed multiple people with his reckless driving.

No matter, though!  The stunts are spectacular in this episode and who doesn’t like the idea of owning a supercycle?  That’s really the only thing that matters as far as this episode is concerned.  Ponch may have gotten to ride it but, ultimately, the Supercycle has a place in everyone’s heart.

Retro Television Review: Miami Vice 2.21 “Free Verse”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing Miami Vice, which ran on NBC from 1984 to 1989.  The entire show can be purchased on Prime!

This week, the Vice Squad gets a big assignment.

Episode 2.21 “Free Verse”

(Dir by John Nicollela, originally aired on April 4th, 1986)

The wheelchair-bound poet, Hector Sandoval (played by Byrne Piven), is coming to Miami so that he can testify before a Congressional committee about the human rights abuses that are occurring in his home country, abuses that Hector claims have been partially funded by American interests.  Hector is a world-famous poet but his history as an outspoken political dissident has made him politically important as well.  He’s been nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize.  Meanwhile, the right-wing death squads from his own country want him dead.  Because Sandoval is equally critical of his country’s rebels, the left wants him dead as well.  They feel he has more value as a martyr than as a living dissident.

With so many people trying to kill this important, world-famous person, his safety in America is the government’s top-most concern.  So, naturally, the task of protecting Sandoval is assigned not to the FBI, the CIA, or the Secret Service.  Instead, it’s given to the Miami Vice Squad.  You read that correctly.  A bunch of undercover cops are assigned to protect one of the most important men in the world.  They meet him when he lands in the airport and their pictures are immediately taken by the horde of reporters waiting for Sandoval’s arrival.  I guess everyone’s cover is blown now.

This is not a particularly interesting episode.  Obviously, the show was looking to make a point about not only the political situation in Central America but also the role of the U.S. government in propping up various dictators and turning a blind eye to human rights abuses.  That’s fine.  Indeed, watching an episode like this today serves as a good reminder that Chavez and Maduro were hardly the first dictators to take power in South and Central America.  But this episode gets so caught up in making its political points that it forgets to be interesting.

A huge part of the problem is that the members of the Vice Squad spend a lot of this episode in the background.  The emphasis is on Hector Sandoval and his daughter, Bianca (Yamil Borges).  Unfortunately, Byrne Piven goes so over-the-top as Sandoval that it’s impossible to take the character seriously.  It’s a genuinely bad performance and it makes the episode a bit of a chore to sit through.  (Admittedly, it is entertaining watching Edward James Olmos refuse to show a hint of emotion while Sandoval devours all of the scenery in their scenes together.)

For celebrity watchers, Bianca Jagger shows up as an assassin but she doesn’t really get to do much.  Luis Guzman and future director Michael Bay play the imaginatively named “Goon #1” and “Goon #3.”  Otherwise — and especially when compared to the episodes that came before it — this is a surprisingly forgettable episode of Miami Vice.

Music Video of the Day: Godspeed by Camila Cabello (2024, dir by ????)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Camila’s through being a blonde.  Personally, I think she looks better with her natural dark hair.

Camila Cabello has been underrated ever since she appeared in that updated Cinderella movie.  I like her music and I think this is one of her best songs yet.  The video has a moody feel that I like, even if it’s not doing much to help me with my fear of drowning.

Enjoy!

Late Night Retro Television Review: Degrassi Junior High 3.7 “The Whole Truth”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Sunday, I will be reviewing the Canadian series, Degrassi Junior High, which aired on CBC and PBS from 1987 to 1989!  The series can be streamed on YouTube!

Finally, it’s time to wake up in the morning and return to Degrassi….

Episode 3.7 “The Whole Truth”

(Dir by Eleanore Lindo, originally aired on January 16th, 1989)

Caitlin is super-excited!  She is the editor of the Degrassi Digest and she is convinced that the upcoming edition will be the best ever.  The only problem is that Kathleen has written an editorial in favor a school dress code.  Caitlin doesn’t want to publish Kathleen’s article but what could she replace it with?

When Caitlin sees that Liz and Spike are putting up posters featuring a monkey being tortured, she asks them what’s going on.  Liz explains that there’s a big animal rights protest march coming up.  Caitlin asks Liz to write an article about it but Liz says she doesn’t like to write.  Instead, she invites Caitlin over to her house and shows Caitlin several grotesque videos of different animals being experiment edupon.  Caitlin writes an editorial calling for the Degrassi student body to boycott any company that tests on animals.

Woo hoo!  Way to go, Caitlin, right?  Well, not quite. Kathleen is not happy that her editorial was cut.  She informs Caitlin that a lot of important medical breakthroughs were the result of scientists testing on animals.  Caitlin does some research and discovers that some animal research has to do with treating neurological conditions, like epilepsy.  Being an epileptic, Caitlin no longer feels that she can go to the protest march with Liz and Spike.  Liz accuses Caitlin of not caring about animals.  Meanwhile, one of Caitlin’s assistant editors resigns from the Digest because her father works for a company that tests on animals.

And so, Caitlin learns that there are two sides to every story!  Of course, that’s a lesson that Caitlin will have forgotten by the time Degrassi: The Next Generation rolls around but we’ll get to that later.

While Caitlin learns an important lesson about journalism, Joey continues to try to get someone at CRAZ-E radio to listen to the Zit Remedy demo tape.  He even get a job working at the place as a janitor.  He does such bad job that he gets fired after three days.  But radio sex therapist Dr. Sally (Sue Johanson) listens to the tape and tells Joey that he’s very talented.  Joey is super-excited.  As for the other Zits, Snake seems to be largely indifferent and Wheels is still too depressed to care about anything.

Finally, Scooter and Bart order some “sea monkeys” from the back of a comic book and are shocked to discover that the ad was rip-off.  I understand that Scooter and Bart were probably added to the show so that it could still appeal to kids even as the main cast became teenagers.  But seriously, Degrassi Junior High is a show that deals with teen pregnancy, drugs, eating disorders, journalistic ethics, and family conflict.  Nobody has time for any of this sea monkey nonsense.

Despite the sea monkeys, I thought this was a pretty good episode.  Caitlin’s shock upon discovering that an issue was more complicated than just right or wrong was something to which I could relate.  That there are two sides to every story may sound like a simple lesson but it’s one that people often need to be reminded of, perhaps now more than ever.  As for Joey, my heart broke for him in this episode.  He really doesn’t seem to get that his friends just aren’t as enthusiastic about the band as he is.  Poor guy.

Next week, it appears that the episode will be about the Farrell Twins, who are my least favorite characters on the show.  Oh well.  I know I can make it through.

Retro Television Review: Money to Burn (dir by Robert Michael Lewis)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Sundays, I will be reviewing the made-for-television movies that used to be a primetime mainstay.  Today’s film is 1973’s Money To Burn!  It  can be viewed on YouTube.

For someone who has spent the past few years in prison, Jed Finnegan (E.G. Marshall) sure is a nice old man!  He runs the prison print shop and all of the other prisoners love him.  The guards trust him.  The warden (David Doyle) is really impressed with Jed’s watercolors and is interested in helping Jed launch a career as an artist after he gets out of prison.  Every weekend, Jed’s wife, Emily (Mildred Natwick), comes up to the prison with a picnic basket and she has lunch with her husband.  Jed admits that his wife is not a particularly good cook but it’s obvious that he really looks forward to her visits.

Emily’s sweet nature keeps a lot of people from noticing that she is just as cunning and clever a criminal as Jed ever was.  She knows that Jed had printed up one million dollars in counterfeit bills and she is looking forward to helping him exchange the fake money for real money.  Jed’s plan is to steal the payroll of the local army base and just leave the fake money in place of the real money.  However, Jed’s been in prison for so long that he doesn’t know that the military no longer pays anyone in cash.  Everyone’s paying everyone by check!

(This film is very much from the 70s.  While Jed and Emily were shocked to discover that people were no longer being paid in cash, I was shocked to discover that they were being paid by check.)

Working with two recently released ex-cons (played by Cleavon Little and Alejandro Rey), Emily tries to find a new way to switch out the money.  She discovers that there’s an incinerator nearby where the government burns the currency that it no longer needs.  But it won’t be easy to break in and make sure that the right money get burned….

And that’s not even mentioning the trouble of getting the fake money out of the prison in the first place!

Money to Burn is likable mix of comedy and (very mild) action.  It’s a film about criminals but they’re very likable criminals who go out of their way not to hurt people.  Emily is even happy about the idea of not only stealing a million dollars but also helping the government out by taking the old currency off their hands.  Marshall, Natwick, Little, and Rey all give such warm and cheerful performances that you can’t help but hope that they get away with their scheme.  The film, which deftly balances comedy and drama, clocks in at a brisk 73 minutes and it has an absolutely wonderful twist ending.  This is definitely a heist film that deserves to be better known.