Late Night Retro Television Review: Monsters 3.7 “Small Blessing”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing Monsters, which aired in syndication from 1988 to 1991. The entire series is streaming on YouTube.

This week, comedians Julie Brown, Kevin Nealon, and David Spade deal with a baby who was born with a lot of very sharp teeth.  Is it a demon or is it just a little blessing?  Let’s find out.

Episode 3.7 “Small Blessing”

(Dir by Roger Nygard, originally aired on November 11th, 1990)

Julie Brown plays the mother of a three-month old baby and, like a lot of new mothers, she is exhausted.  The baby is constantly doing things like crying, crawling out of its crib, and walking on the ceiling.  The baby was also born with over 30 razor sharp teeth and it likes to eat meat.  (I’m going to assume Julie bottle-feeds.)  Julie’s husband (Kevin Nealon) insists that there is nothing wrong with their baby and he gets angry at his wife for constantly being exhausted.  Julie doesn’t know how much longer she can stand being around her carnivorous baby.  When a serial killer (David Spade) shows up at the house, the baby proves its worth.  Julie’s husband comes home to find her holding the baby and talking about how much she loves him.  Awwwww!

This episode was goofy but enjoyable.  It started out as a story about the exhaustion that every mother has felt and then it becomes a comedy in which Julie Brown is the only person who seems to notice that there is anything strange about her baby.  While her husband makes excuses for all of the baby’s odd behavior, Julie knows that it’s not normal for a baby to devour raw meat, climb on a ceiling, and bust its way out of its crib.  But then David Spade shows up with a big knife and the baby proves itself.  Go, Baby!

The main problem is that the baby looked really bad.  It wasn’t a real baby, of course.  It was obviously a puppet and, when I say obviously, I mean it was so clearly a fake baby that it actually worked against the show’s effectiveness.  There was a lot of good things about this episode, including the performances of Julie Brown, Kevin Nealon, and David Spade.  But that fake baby was just too fake to be as effective as it could have been.

Still, this episode proves that even mutant babies deserve love.

 

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 5.15 “I Don’t Play Anymore/Gopher’s Roommate/Crazy For You”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, Gopher thinks that he recognizes a passenger!

Episode 5.15 “I Don’t Play Anymore/Gopher’s Roommate/Crazy For You”

(Dir by Bob Sweeney, originally aired on January 23rd, 1982)

When Rachel (Mackenzie Phillips) boards the ship, Gopher is sure that they’ve met before.  Rachel tells Gopher that he must be mistaken and, in fact, she goes out of her way to avoid him.  Since no one on this ship has ever stopped to consider that getting the cruise line sued would be bad for their career, Gopher continues to follow Rachel around.  Rachel finally tells Gopher the truth.

She does know him.

In fact, they were once quite close.

In college, Rachel was Gopher’s roommate and she played for the football team.  However, after graduating college, she had gender-affirmation surgery and now, she goes by the name of Rachel.  Gopher is stunned and I know what you’re probably thinking.  You’re probably looking at the 1982 air date and assuming that the whole storyline becomes consumed with gay panic as Gopher grapples with having been attracted to his former roommate.  (Doc also hits on her but then again, Doc hits on anyone.)  Well, believe it or not, The Love Boat handles this storyline with a surprising amount of sensitivity.  Yes, Gopher is stunned at first.  But he soon comes to respect and support Rachel’s decision, even if he doesn’t fully understand it.  Physically, the rather slight Mackenzie Phillips is not particularly believable as a former football player but still, both she and Fred Grandy gave good performance in the story.  This week was a case of The Love Boat really taking me by surprise.

Meanwhile, psychiatrist Lisa Lessing (Joanna Cassidy) boards the boat to observe David Jackson (Dick Shawn), an exec who is asking for worker’s compensation because he claims to be mentally ill.  Lisa (hey!) is on board to check on David’s sanity.  Lisa comes to believe that David is not faking but — surprise! — David actually is faking and now he feels bad because he and Lisa have fallen in love.  Lisa decides to pretend to be crazy too.  Uhmmm, okay.

Pianist Paul Krakauer (James MacArthur) has retired from playing because of the crippling arthritis in his hands.  When he meets Irene (Donna Pescow), a maid on the ship, he falls in love and decides to give one last performance so that he can make a quick $25,000 and give it to Irene so she can get an operation to fix her ankle.  Turns out that Doc has some ‘medicine” that allows Paul to play the piano but it takes several hours to take it effect so Paul misses a date that he previously set up with Irene.  Irene is ready to dump David until she finds out why he stood her up.

So, this episode had one surprisingly sensitive and two kind of bland storylines.  (The pianist storyline was ultimately saved by Donna Pescow’s performance as Irene.)  And I’ve got a massive headache and a cold.  Bleh.  That said, this was actually an above-average cruise, featuring some good performances on the part of the passengers and the cruise.  This week’s trip on The Love Boat was worth it.

SHANE (The TV Series) – Episode 5: The Bitter, the Lonely (originally aired October 8th, 1966)


Episode 5 opens with a man riding his horse down the hill towards a sweaty Shane (David Carradine) who’s plowing a field on the Starett ranch. The man gets off his horse, walks up to Shane and punches him right in the face. He then turns around and heads back towards his horse. Not putting up with strangers punching him in the face on this day, Shane gets up and punches the guy back in the face. The guy then surprisingly proceeds to knock Shane on his ass again, this time telling him his name in the most Bond-ian of ways, “It’s Posey…RG Posey” (Steve Ihnat). Through a variety of circumstances, we learn that Posey hates “sodbusters” who put up fences and work the ground. He hates sodbusters so much that when he rode up on a person he thought was a sodbuster, he just decided to knock the crap out of him.

Hanging out at Sam Grafton’s saloon, Posey tells the local cowhands about kicking Shane’s ass, so local cattle rancher Rufe Ryker (Bert Freed) hires him on the spot. He thinks that any man who has gotten the best of Shane is someone he wants on his side. Over time though, Posey’s hateful and bullying actions towards Tom Starett (Tom Starett), his daughter Marian Starett (Jill Ireland), and Shane are too much, even for Ryker. Posey’s one of those guys who refer to farmers as “apple knockers,” “nesters” and “stump jumpers.” On multiple occasions, he even says they’re not human. Ryker makes it clear to Posey that while he’s working with the Ryker outfit, the Starett’s will be treated respectfully. Not content to leave well enough alone, Posey decides to dam up the stream that flows onto the Starett’s ranch just because he can. When Shane finds out, he rides out to confront Posey, and the two men fight it out with shovels. Ryker rides up on the two men and fires Posey on the spot, and even helps Shane break up the dam. Unable to accept that his own bitterness and hate cost him his job, Posey decides to blame Shane and sets out to kill him. 

Episode 5 is an enjoyable episode. First, it has a couple of exciting action sequences. The scene where Shane and Posey fight with shovels is the best action scene in the series so far. Grown men swinging shovels at each other is extremely dangerous and this episode certainly captures that feeling. I also enjoyed the scene at the very end where young Joey Starett (Christopher Shea) is running through the field with Shane’s gun, trying to warn him that Posey’s on his way to kill him. It’s a well executed scene that had me on the edge of my seat. Second, this episode tackles an important social issue. Posey hates sodbusters “just because they’re different.” As mentioned earlier, in his own mind he’s reduced them to being less than human. This is beaten into our heads in a pretty heavy handed approach, but that’s perfectly fine. The episode aired over 58 years ago and has a strong “message” that illustrates how Posey’s hate has turned him into an angry, bitter man who blames others for his own bad decisions and problems. For a good example of this these days, just open up any social media app and scroll for a bit, and you’ll see how anger and bitterness continue to steal our joy. Finally, I think Steve Ihnat is good as Posey, a man so full of hate that he doesn’t have the first clue about how to actually be happy. Ihnat had a solid television career, appearing in almost every good TV show in the 1960’s. He would even direct the James Coburn rodeo movie from 1972 called THE HONKERS. Sadly, Ihnat would pass away in 1972 at just 37 years of age. 

Overall, I found episode 5 to be very good. It tells an exciting story, while teaching an important lesson about how a person who allows hate to fester in their heart will ultimately end up as a bitter and lonely loser. Shane’s relationship with Marian Starett doesn’t advance much in Episode 5 but they do look at each other longingly at one point. Now that I think about it, with all the hate shown by Posey, it would have been nice to see a little more love in this episode. Oh well, there’s always episode 6 to look forward to! 

Late Night Retro Television Review: Pacific Blue 1.4 “Over The Edge”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Pacific Blue, a cop show that aired from 1996 to 2000 on the USA Network!  It’s currently streaming everywhere, though I’m watching it on Tubi.

There’s been a murder but don’t worry.  The bike patrol is here.

Episode 1.4 “Over the Edge”

(Dir by Cory Michael Eubanks, originally aired on March 23rd, 1996)

“I need some personal time!” TC announces to Lt. Palermo after TC’s childhood friend, Todd (Dave Oliver), washes up dead on the beach.  It turns out that Todd was killed in a skydiving incident and TC doesn’t think it was an accident.  Todd jumped out of 700 planes without dying so obviously something is up.

(Really?  700?  Did he just spend a year jumping out of plane after plane?  700 is a HUGE number, especially when it comes to risking your life.)

TC’s partner, Chris, is shocked to discover that TC had a friend because apparently, he never mentioned Todd in the past.  Well, Chris, this is only the fourth episode so it’s not like you two have been partners for that long.  This is a weird episode because it assume that the audience has an emotional investment in TC despite the fact that we know next to nothing about him.  We know that TC rides a bicycle.  We know that he comes from a rich family.  And we know he hardly ever smiles because being on the bicycle patrol is suuuuuuuuch an important responsibility.  Otherwise, TC is just kind of a boring guy.  I’m sorry his friend died because I’m sorry when anyone dies but other than that, I don’t really have any emotional connection to any of this.

Anyway, it turns out that Todd fell in with a bunch of Australian extreme athlete types and they shoved him out of an airplane without a properly working parachute.  I’m sure there was a reason why but, for the most part, this episode is just an excuse for TC to look grim while doing the whole extreme sports thing.  I remember that, when I was growing up, you’d always hear all this breathless talk about how someone was doing “extreme sports” but then it would just turn out they were riding a unicycle or rolling down a hill.  Remember bike jousting, where people would joust while slowly riding bicycles and it looked totally stupid but everyone would still go, “Whoa!” while watching?  That was dumb.

Speaking of dumb, I’m still having a hard time taking the idea of cops on bicycles seriously.  Did the people who made this show not realize how stupid the cast looks rolling up and down the boardwalk in their crisp white shirts and blue shorts?  Seriously, it’s hard to take them seriously.  Baywatch was a dumb show but at least those red swimsuits were visually effective.  The bicycle cops on Pacific Blue just look like idiots, no matter how fast they try to peddle.

This show just seems silly right now.  I’ve got over a 100 episodes left to review so I hope things will get better.

Ghosts of Sundance Past: Minari (dir by Lee Isaac Chung)


The Sundance Film Festival is currently underway in Utah.  For the next few days, I’ll be taking a look at some of the films that have previously won awards at Sundance.

First released in 2000, Minari is a classic story of the pursuit of the American dream.

Taking place in the early 80s, the movie follows Jacob Yi (Steven Yeun), a South Korean immigrant who relocates his family from California to Arkansas.  Jacob has purchased a farm and he plans to make a fortune selling Korean produce to restaurants in Dallas.  (Dallas, I should mention, does have a very large Korean population so Jacob’s plan is not a bad one.)  Jacob is enthusiastic and confident that his plan will succeed.  His wife Monica (Han Ye-ri) is a bit less confident.  She doesn’t want to live in a mobile home and she worries about the health of her young son David (Alan Kim), who has a heart murmur.  Monica feels that her husband has dragged them out to the middle of nowhere and that he has no idea what he’s doing.  Jacob is determined to become a success and he even hires his first employee, Paul (Will Patton), a local eccentric who often walks up and down the highway with a cross on his back.

I have to admit that I was initially a bit cautious about watching Minari.  I have family from Arkansas.  When I was growing up, my family sometimes lived in Arkansas.  (When I was growing up, we moved around so much that I used to just think of Arkansas, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Louisiana, Colorado, and Texas as just being one big state that I called home.)  Arkansas is one of those states that is usually not treated particularly kindly in the movies.  For that reason, I was pleasantly surprised by Minari.  Jacob may be an outsider, as both an immigrant and a former Californian, but, for the most part, the people that he meets are kind and willing to help.  Paul is especially an interesting character.  Many movies would have treated Paul as a redneck joke but, in Minari, he’s given a certain dignity.  The cinematography is wonderful, capturing the humid beauty of not just Arkansas but the midwest in general.  Jacob and his family are 20th century pioneers, exploring what for them is a new and untouched land.

Eventually, Monica’s mother, Soon-ja (Youn Yuh-jung), comes to stay with the family.  She shares a room with David and it takes a while for David to get used to his grandmother.  (David complains that she doesn’t act like a grandmother.)  It also takes Soon-ja a while to get used to life in Arkansas.  Youn Yuh-jung won a deserved Oscar for her performance here, playing a stranger in a strange land who ultimately inspires David to find his own inner strength.  The scenes between Youn and Alan Kim are some of the strongest in the film.  Towards the end of the film, Youn has a scene that truly left me in tears.

Minari is about the pursuit of the American dream but it’s also about the strength of family.  Jacob is not always a sympathetic character but he proves himself in the end.  The film ends on an ambiguous note but I choose to believe that Jacob eventually found his fortune.

Minari won the Dramatic Grand Jury Prize and, like many so many Sundance hits in the past, it went on to be nominated for Best Picture.  It lost to Nomadland, despite Minari being a far superior film.  That’s the Academy for you.

Lisa Marie Reviews An Oscar Nominee: Maestro (dir by Bradley Cooper)


I hope that Bradley Cooper  will win an Oscar soon.

It’s obvious that Cooper wants that Oscar and really, who can blame him?  After spending years being dismissed as a lightweight comedy actor, Cooper has really come into his own over the past thirteen years.  2012 was the year that he starred in Silver Linings Playbook and received his first Best Actor nomination.  In the years that followed, he was nominated for American Sniper, American Hustle, A Star Is Born and Maestro.  He deserved to be nominated for both Nightmare Alley and Licorice Pizza.  Cooper has shown himself to be both a talented actor and director.  He may not have been nominated for his direction of A Star Is Born but everyone knows that he should have been.  He’s come a long way from being the star of The Hangover films and it makes sense that he would want an Oscar to make it official.

(The Oscar itself may not carry the cultural cachet that it once did but seriously, an award is an award.)

That desire for an Oscar is probably the best way to explain 2023’s Maestro, a film that really might as well have just been called Oscar Bait.  Not only did Cooper direct and co-write Maestro but he also donned a prosthetic nose (and was briefly the center of some online controversy) to play the role of composer Leonard Bernstein.  Filmed in both black-and-white and color, the film follows Leonard Bernstein from his young debut as a conductor through his marriage to Felecia (Carey Mulligan).  Throughout the film, Felecia remains Leonard’s strongest supporter and his muse, even when she’s embarrassed by the rumors of his own impulsive behavior and his habit of cheating on her with men.  The film is a portrait of the struggle to be a genius, the struggle to support a genius, and the love that can hold two people together even during the most difficult of times.  And it’s all very Oscar bait-y, giving both Bradley Cooper and Carey Mulligan several scenes that, while well-executed, still feel as if they were designed specifically to appeal to the voters.

I had mixed feelings about Maestro when I watched it.  On the one hand, I definitely admired the craft and the skill that went into the production.  I admired the performances of both Bradley Cooper and Carey Mulligan.  The movie’s soundtrack is full of the best of Bernstein’s compositions, all performed by the London Symphony Orchestra.  The movie looked wonderful and it sounded wonderful but it also felt strangely hollow.  Watching it, I realized that the movie really didn’t know what it wanted to say about Bernstein and Felecia.  The movie was so consumed with technical perfection that the emotions of the story sometimes felt rather remote.  It was a film about Leonard Bernstein that, despite Cooper’s strong performance, failed to really give us a reason to care about Bernstein.  Maestro is a film that you admire while you watch it but it doesn’t really stick with you afterwards.  It’s the epitome of Oscar bait.

Maestro did not win Cooper any Oscars, though it did bring some nominations.  The film was also nominated for Best Picture but it lost to Oppenheimer.  That said, I’m looking forward to the year when Bradley Cooper does finally win his Oscar and hopefully, he’ll win it for a film that’s more like the emotion-filled A Star Is Born than the rather detached Maestro.  He’s one of my favorite actors and he’s due.

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 6.3 “The Perfect Gentleman/Legend”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984.  Unfortunately, the show has been removed from most streaming sites.  Fortunately, I’ve got nearly every episode on my DVR.

Smiles, everyone!

Episode 6.3 “The Perfect Gentleman/Legend”

(Dir by Philip Leacock, originally aired on October 30th, 1982)

Jimmy Jordan (Paul Williams, who appeared on a lot of these type of shows) is a rock star who witnessed a mob hit at one of his concerts.  Jimmy did what anyone would do.  He called the police.  They offered to protect him if he testified but then they told him that they probably wouldn’t be able to continue to protect him afterwards.  (Uhmm …. hello?  Witness Protection Program?)  Jimmy decided to fake his own death and then go to Fantasy Island.  His fantasy?  To not get caught by the two mobsters who have been sent to make sure that he’s actually dead.

Uhmmm …. that’s weird.  Like all of that was going on Jimmy just decided to go to Fantasy Island?  And then he shows up on Fantasy Island wearing a trenchcoat over his rock star jump suit?  Weird.

Fortunately, Michelle (Leslie Easterbrook) is on the island and her fantasy is apparently to have a new butler!  Soon, Jimmy is calling himself Godfrey and helping Michelle and her family save their business while Tracer (John Davis Chandler) and Killer (Joseph Ruskin) search for him.  Needless to say, Jimmy and Michelle fall in love and leave the island together and, unless I missed something, it appears that Jimmy is planning on just being Godfrey for the rest of his life.  He even drives Michelle and her daughter to the docks so that they can all fly off to the mainland.  I guess the world is going to go on believing that Jimmy’s dead and….

This fantasy raised way too many unanswered questions and Paul Williams was convincing neither as a rock star or a butler.  This is a fantasy that called out for someone like …. oh, I don’t know.  Sonny Bono, maybe.

The other fantasy was a bit of an improvement, just because it featured the unlikely but surprisingly likable pairing of Michelle Phillips and Andy Griffith.  Phillips plays Andrea Barclay, who has a beautiful singing voice but who suffers from crippling stage fright.  Her fantasy is to successfully perform in front of the toughest crowd ever.

Really?  Roarke says, The toughest crowd?

By now, guests should realize that whenever Roarke says something like that, it means your fantasy is going to be interpreted in a bizarre way that you never expected.  Considering that, the last time that Michelle Phillips was on the show, her fantasy to be the most famous woman in the world somehow led to her becoming Lady Godiva, Andrea really should have known better.  Instead, Andrea is shocked when she finds herself in the Old West, where Judge Roy Bean (Andy Griffith) has promised the citizens of Langtry, Texas that his favorite actress and singer, Lillie Langtry (Madlyn Rhue), will be performing for them.  When Lillie leaves without singing, it’s time for Andrea to put on a mask and pretend to be Lillie as she performs in Judge Bean’s saloon.  Yeah, it’s a silly fantasy but Andy Griffith and Michelle Phillips both put their heart into their performances.  Andy Griffith does his folksy-but-intelligent routine while Michelle Phillips especially deserves a lot of credit for taking things seriously.

This episode had the same problem as last week’s.  Everything felt very familiar.  Last week, we had what seemed like the show’s hundredth boxing and dancing fantasy.  This week, we have what feels like the hundredth singing fantasy.  After five seasons, it’s obvious that the show’s writers had started to run out of ideas.

Next week …. Roddy McDowall returns to Fantasy Island!  Yay!