Tag Archives: Retro Television Reviews

Retro Television Review: Miami Vice 2.12 “Phil the Shill”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing Miami Vice, which ran on NBC from 1984 to 1989.  The entire show can be purchased on Prime!

The Vice Squad goes after Phil Collins!

Episode 2.11 “Phil the Shill”

(Dir by John Nicolella, originally aired on December 13th, 1985)

Switek and Zito call in sick so that they can go to the taping of a silly game show called Rat Race.  While Zito sits in the audience, Switek answers trivia questions about Elvis and competes in an obstacle course race with his spacey opponent (Emo Phillips).  Hosting the show is the very effusive and very British Phil Mayhew (Phil Collins).

As we already know, Switek knows everything about Elvis.  And he’s in better shape than Emo Phillips so, when it comes time for the obstacle course, he reaches and hits his buzzer first.  But Switek’s buzzer doesn’t go off.  Emo’s buzzer works and Emo proceeds to robotically recite a complex string of Elvis trivia.

To his horror, Switek realizes that the quiz show was fixed!

Switek and Zito decide that they want to take down Phil and reveal his con artist ways.  Unfortunately, for them, the rest of the Squad doesn’t care.  Crockett, in particular, is annoyed that Switek pretended to be sick to get a night off of work.  However, it then turns out that Phil has hooked up with Sarah MacPhail (Kyra Sedgwick), the girlfriend and business partner of Tony Rivers (Michael Margotta), a drug dealer that Crockett has spent months trying to set up.

It’s time to call in Izzy and have him pretend to be an interior decorator so that Phil can be tricked into throwing a party that can be attended by …. SONNY BURNETT AND RICO COOPER!  Listen, I know I mention that a lot but I just can’t let it go …. how are Sonny and Rico able to maintain their undercover identities when they’re constantly arresting major drug dealers and taking part in DEA busts?  How come it never occurs to the criminals that dealer Sonny Burnett might have something in common with cop Sonny Crockett?  Does no one ever notice that Sonny Burnett drives the same car and wears the same white suit as Sonny Crockett?

This was a bit of an odd episode.  It was obviously written so that Phil Collins (whose In The Air Tonight set the mood for the entire series) could play Phil Mayhew.  And while Phil Collins does not appear to have been an actor of amazing range, he still does a good job as the weaselly Phil Mayhew.  The Phil scenes are played for humor while the scenes with Tony Rivers definitely are not.  Tony is a violent sociopath who casually kills several people over the course of the episode.  Scenes of Switek pouting about the game show feel awkward when combined with scenes of Tony machine gunning two drug dealers.  Collins does a good job within his range and Michael Margotta is an energetic villain.  However, the best performance in this episode actually comes from Kyra Sedgwick, who does a great job as someone who eventually turns out to be just as ruthless and dangerous her boyfriend.

This is a fast-paced and energetic episode, one that moves quickly enough that the viewer doesn’t really have time to consider the oddness of Phil Mayhew getting involved with the same drug dealer that Crockett happens to be investigating.  Personally, I’m always happy when the members of the supporting cast get to do something more than just stand in the background.  Switek and Zito are a good team.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Degrassi Junior High 3.2 “Can’t Live With ‘Em: Part 2”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Sunday, I will be reviewing the Canadian series, Degrassi Junior High, which aired on CBC and PBS from 1987 to 1989!  The series can be streamed on YouTube!

The tragedy of Wheels continues.

Episode 3.2 “Can’t Live With ‘Em: Part Two”

(Dir by Kit Hood, originally aired on November 28th, 1988)

What a sad episode!

Much as with the previous episode, several storylines play out over the course of this episode.  For the most part, this episode is all about setting up the rest of the season.  Among the things that happen:

Lucy starts to hang out with Paul (Michael Blake), a student at Borden High and she stops hanging out with her best friend, L.D.

Arthur, who has taken to wearing a white scarf to school, finally admits to Yick that his family is rich and that he has been buying and selling stock in a company called Repco.  Yick responds by demanding that Arthur pay for their food when they go to the local diner.

Shane hears Spike talking to Liz about how much she misses having free time.  As soon as Spike gets home from school, she has to look after baby Emma while Spike’s mother goes to work.  Shane approaches Spike and says that he knows that she doesn’t want to talk to him but he’s still going to give her half of his allowance and get a part-time job to help her pay for a babysitter for Emma.

Nancy and Kathleen are still running for school president and getting aggressive in their campaigning.  Kathleen confesses to Melanie that she’s scared she’s going to lose.  Melanie points out that, even if she does come in second, Kathleen will still be Vice President.  Kathleen replies that she doesn’t want to be the second-in-command.  She wants it all.

(Kathleen is rarely portrayed sympathetically on this show but I totally related to how she felt.)

Scooter and Bartholomew Bond debate whether Superman is better than Spider-Man.

Even with all that going on, this episode is dominated by Wheels.  Last week, Wheels was informed that his parents had been killed by a drunk driver.  This week found him struggling with anger, depression, and survivor’s guilt.  He was supposed to be with his parents when they were going to the movies and if had gone with them instead of sneaking out to Joey’s house, Wheels probably would have died with his parents.  Wheels is haunted by a nightmare in which he wakes up to find his parents coming home from the movies.

“I thought you were dead!” Wheels says.

“We are,” his mother replies.

Wheels doesn’t know what’s going to happen.  Wheels is only 14 so living on his own is not an option.  His grandmother and grandfather live miles away so if Wheels goes to live with them, it’ll mean abandoning his entire life in Toronto but that might be better than having to enter the foster system.

When Wheels returns to school, no one knows how to talk to him.  Not even Snake is willing to approach him.  Only Joey tries to talk to Wheels.  The first time, Joey hands Wheels the demo tape that they made for the Zit Remedy.  Wheels breaks the tape.  The next time that Joey approaches Wheels, Wheels beats him up in the school hallway.  Joey — and this is why everyone loves him — doesn’t get angry at Wheels.  When Wheels finally approaches him and apologizes, Joey tells Wheels that he can beat him up whenever he needs to.

“I’m scared,” Wheels says.

Joey hugs him as the end credits role.

Awwwwwww!

This episode was Degrassi at its best, offering a lot of heartfelt emotions but no easy solutions.  Neil Hope (who had lost his own father right before shooting this episode) gives a heart-breaking performance as Wheels and Pat Mastroianni reminds us that, underneath Joey’s bluster, he’s a good person who truly cares about his friends.  Just as with last week, this episode is even more tragic if you know what’s destined to happen to the characters later on in the series.  For now, though, I’m just going to be happy that Wheels had a friend like Joey.

Retro Television Review: Shattered Innocence (dir by Sandor Stern)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Sundays, I will be reviewing the made-for-television movies that used to be a primetime mainstay.  Today’s film is 1988’s Shattered Innocence!  It  can be viewed on YouTube.

Shattered Innocence starts with a young woman shooting herself in a nice bedroom, while someone on the outside bangs on the door.

The rest of the movie shows the events the led up to the suicide of Pauleen Anderson (Jonna Lee).  On the one hand, starting a film with a literal bang is definitely a way to capture the audience’s attention.  On the other hand, letting us know that the story is going to end with a suicide pretty much robs the story of the element of surprise or the ability to take the viewer by surprise.  We know how the story is going to end and it doesn’t take long for us to figure out why it’s going to end that way.

From the minute we see Pauleen as a naive cheerleader with an overprotective family, we know that she’s going to end up hooking up with Cory (Kris Kamm), the local bad boy.  As soon as she graduates from high school and gets a job as a waitress, we know that Pauleen is not going to be staying in Kansas.  As soon as she and Cory end up in California and Cory suggests that Pauleen is pretty enough to be a model, we know that she’s going to end up modeling topless and that she’s going to deal with her nerves and her weight by snorting cocaine.  We also know that she’s going to end up appearing in adult films and that her concerned mother (Melinda Dillon) is constantly going to be begging her to come back home and forget about Los Angeles and its sinful ways.

Apparently based on a true story, there’s not really anything surprising about Shattered Innocence.  It tells a sordid story but, because it was made-for-TV, the scene usually ends right before anything really explicit happens.  (Ironically, by keeping the sordid stuff off-camera, the film invites the audience to imagine scenarios that are probably a hundred times more trashy than anything that could be recreated on film.)  Shattered Innocence gets by on innuendo, with frequent scenes of people saying stuff like, “Did you see the pictures?” or “You may recognize her from her centerfold.”  Nerdy Mel Erman (John Pleshette), who becomes Pauleen’s business partner, first meets her when he asks her to autograph the cover of Penthouse.  Otherwise, this film is actually pretty tame.

In fact, the one scene that really jumped out and made me go “Agck!” was a scene in which Pauleen’s nose suddenly started bleeding as a result of all the cocaine that she had recently done.  That was frightening, just because I’ve always had to deal with nosebleeds due to my allergies.  I hate them and the taste of blood in the back of my throat.  In that scene, I could relate to Pauleen’s shock and embarrassment.

Shattered Innocence tells a story that’s as old as Hollywood itself, which is a bit of a problem.  Too often, the movie just seems to be going through the expected motions.  Jonna Lee was a bit dull in the lead role but Melinda Dillion and John Pleshette both did well as the only two people who seemed to really care about Pauleen.  For the most part, though, Shattered Innocence was sordid without being memorable.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Check It Out! 2.4 “Operation Bannister”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Saturdays, I will be reviewing the Canadian sitcom, Check it Out, which ran in syndication from 1985 to 1988.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, Howard has an operation …. maybe.

Episode 2.4 “Operation Bannister”

(Dir by Alan Erlich, originally aired on October 24th, 1986)

A foolish attempt to impress a blonde customer by lifting and carrying a crate full of bottles lands Howard in the hospital.  He’s scheduled to have a hernia operation.  It should be a simple procedure but there’s a problem.  Howard’s a wimp.

Seriously, Howard spends this entire episode in a state of panic.  First, he has to deal with an ER doctor who is — *gasp* — a woman!  Then he discovers that the doctor who will be operating on him is barely out of medical school and looks like he’s about 16 years of age.  Then, he discovers that his roommate at the hospital is full of horror stories.  I guess it’s a good thing that Howard knows how to escape from hospitals because he ends up doing it several times.  Of course, every time, he’s promptly recaptured and sent back for his operation.

This episode ends on a curious note, with the store’s staff putting on a “welcome back” party three days after Howard’s operation just for Howard to reveal that he once again escaped from the hospital and, instead of getting the operation, he spent three days hiding out in a hotel.  He didn’t even let Edna know what he had done.  Two burly orderlies show up at the store and drag Howard back to the hospital as the end credits roll.

So, did Howard ever actually have the operation?  I’m going to assume that he did but it’s interesting that the episode leaves the storyline unresolved.  Instead of being about the operation, the episode instead becomes a meditation on fear and the foolishness of trying to escape fate.  Howard is very good at running away from his problem but, no matter how hard he tires, the orderlies always track him down.  Like the Grim Reaper, Canadian hospital orderlies cannot be escaped.

I hate hospitals so I could relate a bit more to this episode than some of the other episodes that I’ve seen of this show.  As an American who gets tired of hearing about every other country’s supposedly perfect health care system, I appreciated that this episode showed that hospitals suck no matter what country you’re in.

That said, I have to admit that, while watching, I got a bit annoyed with Howard.  I mean, first off, he shouldn’t have tried to pick up that crate to begin with.  Secondly, if you don’t want to have the operation, don’t have it.  Don’t keep returning to the hospital just because Edna and a bunch of orderlies yell at you.  And if you do decide to return to the hospital, own that choice and stick around until the operation’s done.  I understood Howard’s feelings but he still came across as being a bit of a wimp in this episode.  Nobody likes a wimp.

Next week, according to the imdb, Howard’s niece will make an appearance.  Let’s hope she has more guts than her uncle.

Retro Television Review: Welcome Back Kotter 3.19 “Epstein’s Term Paper”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Welcome Back Kotter, which ran on ABC  from 1975 to 1979.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, it’s term paper time!

Episode 3.19 “Epstein’s Term Paper”

(Dir by Bob Claver, originally aired on January 19th,1978)

It’s term paper time!

Freddie Washington’s term paper is on the Dust Bowl, which he turns in despite the fact that, as he explains it, “Dust killed my grandma.”

Vinnie’s term paper is on the Irish Potato Famine.  Vinnie thinks that the potato famine had something to do with no one in Ireland being able to eat French fries.

Arnold Horshack’s paper is on Joseph Stalin and the Purges, despite the fact that Horshack doesn’t know who Stalin was.

As Gabe tells Julie when she stops by his classroom for lunch, he’s really impressed with all the term papers.  In fact, he is concerned because he’s too impressed.  The Sweathogs have never been A-students so why are they now turning in perfect term papers?  Gabe, however, is looking forward to reading Epstein’s term paper on FDR.  Eleven years ago, Gabe turned in a term paper on FDR in which he described FDR as being a “white knight.”

Julie takes one look at Epstein’s term paper and mentions that Epstein used the exact same phrase.

Yes, you guessed it.  The Sweathogs bought a bunch of old test papers from Carvelli (Charles Fleischer) and attempted to pass them off their own.  Only Angie wrote her own term paper.  She got a B minus, which she is happy about.  Vinnie, Horshack, Freddie, and Epstein all gets F’s.  They’re not happy about it because they spent five dollars apiece for those papers.

“I could have written it myself,” Vinnie says, “and gotten an F for free!”

Gabe, however, tells the Sweathogs that he’ll give them one final chance to write new term papers.  Gabe explains that just because he turned in a term paper on FDR, that doesn’t mean that he wrote it.  So I guess the lesson here is that Gabe cheated and now he’s a teacher so cheating isn’t the end of the world.

Considering the subject matter and the fact that Gabe usually tries to encourage the Sweathogs to not take shortcuts, this was a surprisingly slight episode.  One gets the feeling that, if this story had been used during the first season, Gabe would have been a lot more upset about the fake term papers and he would have encouraged the Sweathogs to believe in themselves and their abilities.  However, in the third season, everything was treated as a big joke.  Gabe no longer seems that concerned about the Sweathogs realizing that they’re capable of being more than just Sweathogs.  Watching this episode, I couldn’t help but think about how the Sweathogs lost their edge halfway through the second season.  They used to be believable as delinquents, albeit goofy ones.  By the time the third season began, they had all been reduced to a series of catch phrases and gimmicks.  Robert Hegyes had some funny moments in this episode but it’s still hard not miss the old Epstein, the one who voted most likely to take a life.

As for this episode’s opening and closing jokes, Gabe told Mr. Woodman about his Uncle Murrow the biologist.  Woodman was not amused.  Later, Gabe tried to tell Julie about his Uncle Joe, just for Julie to shout out the punchline before he finished.  Gabe was not amused.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Friday the 13th: The Series 2.1 “Doorway to Hell”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing Friday the 13th: The Series, a show which ran in syndication from 1987 to 1990. The show can be found on YouTube!

This week, the second season beings with the return of Uncle Lewis!

(For a dead guy, Lewis sure does return a lot.)

Episode 2.1 “Doorway to Hell”

(Dir by William Fruet, originally aired on September 26th, 1988)

The second season begins in much the same way that the first one ended, with Uncle Lewis (played, as always, be R.G. Armstrong) trying to re-enter the world of the living.

This time, he’s doing it through mirrors.  According to Jack, a mirror that “witnesses” an occult ceremony becomes a doorway to the dark realms that sit between Heaven and Hell.  Lewis lives in the dark realms and, since he was a big fan of mirrors, his reflection occasionally appears in the a mirror at Curious Goods.  When Micki and Ryan find evidence that Lewis owned a house, they ignore Jack’s warning and go to investigate on their own.

They discover that the decrepit house is being used as a hideout by Buddy (Charle Landry) and Eddie (Louis Ferreira), two criminals who have just held up a gas station and killed an attendant.  Buddy wants to go straight and was pretty much coerced into taking part in the robbery.  Eddie, on the other hand, is a total psychopath who ties up both Micki and Ryan and laughs when they try to warn him about Uncle Lewis.

The house, not surprisingly, is full of mirrors and soon, Buddy gets sucked into one of them.  When Buddy returns to the house, he’s possessed and shooting electricity from his fingertips.  He kills Eddie and then chases Ryan and Micki around both the house and the dark realms.

Jack and his friend Rashid (Elias Zarou) watch all of this reflected in a shard of reflective glass that they found at the antique store.  Whenever things start to get really exciting or scary at the mansion, we cut to Jack and Rashid staring at shard of glass and saying, “Get out of there, Ryan!”

Eventually, Jack goes to the house, enters the dark realms and distracts Lewis long enough for Ryan and Micki to destroy all of the mirrors in the house.  Jack manages to escape just in time, Buddy apparently become unpossessed and the ghost of Uncle Lewis declares that he will return.  Lewis’s constant shouts of “I’ll be back” are such a cliche that they can’t help but be a bit charming, especially since R.G. Armstrong always seems to be having so much fun chewing the scenery whenever he shows up as Lewis.

The second season premiere did an effective job of reminding old viewers and informing new viewers about what the show was about.  The haunted house was an effectively creepy location and the dark realms were nicely atmospheric.  I do wish that the premiere had not once again deployed the tired idea of Micki and Ryan ignoring Jack’s warning about impulsively investigating something on their own.  I mean, that has never worked out for them.  You would think that Ryan and Micki would have learned the lesson by now.  Otherwise, this episode got the second season off to a good start.

Retro Television Review: T and T 3.6 “Take My Life Please”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing T. and T., a Canadian show which ran in syndication from 1987 to 1990.  The show can be found on Tubi!

This week, the Canadian Mafia (*snicker*) is making trouble.

Episode 3.6 “Take My Life Please”

(Dir by Alan Simmonds, originally aired on February 10th, 1990)

Phillip Phillips (played by Robert Cait) is a stand-up comedian who makes jokes about the mob.  His mafia-themed humor has made him the hottest comic in Canada but it’s also led to him having a run-in with two men who say that they work for the mob.  After they beat him up, Phillip goes to Terri and T.S Turner for help.  Terri totally wants to help out Phillip, especially after he explains that he can’t just change his act because “I do mob jokes!”  Turner, oddly enough, seems rather indifferent to the whole thing.  Maybe he misses Amy.

After being absent for the past two episodes, Terri does return in this episode and she actually gets to do quite a bit.  In fact, since T.S. doesn’t really seem to care that much about Philip and his attempts at comedy, Terri actually ends up doing most of the investigating.  What Terri does not do is mention where Amy has gone or why everyone is acting as if Terri has always been around.  We are six episodes into the third season and the show still hasn’t bothered to explain why a major character has just vanished.  It’s disconcerting.  I mean, did something bad happen to Amy?  Is that why they’re pretending like she never existed?  Could Turner’s indifferent attitude actually be the result of the depression that he feels over losing the person who launched the appeal that put him back on the streets?  Poor T.S.!

As for this episode, I have to admit that I’m a bit skeptical that Phillip, or any comedian working the Toronto comedy circuit, could become a superstar by exclusively making jokes about the Mafia.  I mean, Phillips isn’t Jerry Lewis playing Las Vegas in the 50s and he’s not Don Rickles joking with Joey Gallo in New York in the 70s.  This certainly isn’t Sicily, where it requires a lot of courage to run the risk of upsetting the Mafia.  This is Canada.  And while Canada certainly does have a Mafia that played an important role in smuggling liquor into the United States during prohibition, it’s still hard to believe that Canada is so mob-infested that a hacky comedian like Phillip could become a star with jokes like, “Remember the mob spelled backwards is bom.”

Of course, in fairness to the episode, it does eventually turn out that the two men who are threatening to Phillip are not actually affiliated with the Mafia.  Instead, they’ve been hired by a comedy club owner who wants to scare Phillip into hiring him as his agent.  That’s actually a fairly clever twist on the episode’s part but it still requires us to believe that the painfully unfunny Phillip is on the verge of superstardom.  It just doesn’t work.

Personally, I think this episode should have been about T.S. Turner launching a career as a stand-up comedian.  Seriously, talk about a missed opportunity.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Highway To Heaven 2.7 “Popcorn, Peanuts, and Crackerjacks”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Highway to Heaven, which aired on NBC from 1984 to 1989.  The entire show is currently streaming on Freevee and several other services!

This week’s episode was about baseball so guess who I made watch it with me?

Episode 2.7 “Popcorn, Peanuts, and Crackerjacks”

(Dir by Michael Landon, originally aired on November 13th, 1985)

The Tucson Toros need some help!

The Toros are a minor league baseball team.  For years, they have been coached by the kindly Doc Brigsby (Keenan Wynn).  When D.W. Rogers (John Milford) purchased the team, one of the first things that he wanted to do was get rid of old Brigsby.  But one of the conditions of the sale was that Rogers would retain Brigsby as long as the Toros won more games than they lost.  Rogers has been trying to sabotage the team ever since.  He’s traded and released all of the team’s best players.  The remaining players are dispirited and no longer having fun on the field.  It looks like the Toros are about to have their first losing season.

Meanwhile, Ted Tilley (Moses Gunn) is out of a job.  Ted was once a pitcher in the Negro Leagues, nicknamed the Louisiana Flash.  After he stopped playing, he ran the souvenir stand at the stadium and always made sure to hand out free game tickets to all of the neighborhood kids who did well in school.  However, when Rogers signs a contract with a professional vending company, Ted finds himself out-of-work.

Or, at least, he does until two sportswriters named Jonathan Smith and Mark Gordon write an article about the Toros’s bad season.  Hoping to generate some positive publicity, Rogers follows a suggestion from Jonathan and signs Ted to the team.  Ted makes history as the oldest professional baseball player and teaches the team how to have fun on the field.  The Toros suddenly start winning games.  But will they win enough to save Brigsby’s job?

Since this episode was about baseball, I got my sister to watch with me.  I asked Erin if the episode was, in any way, a realistic portrayal of the game.  Erin’s response was to laugh so I’m going to guess that means that most baseball teams would not put an elderly man on the mound as pitcher with the game on the line.  Of course, the only reason that Rogers demands that Tilley be put in the game is because he wants the Toros to lose so that he can fire poor old Brigsby.  That doesn’t seem like a smart business decision to me but then again, Rogers is typical of the businessmen who appear on this show.  He smokes a cigar, he smirks when firing people, and he’s not allowed any sort of redemption.

Myself, I have to wonder just how exactly Jonathan and Mark got jobs as sportswriters.  Mark doesn’t even know what their heavenly assignment is until they arrive at the stadium but somehow, within days, Mark and Jonathan’s byline is appearing in the local newspaper.  We don’t ever see them get hired by the newspaper or having to deal with any editors.  Usually, Mark and Jonathan take blue collar jobs that don’t require them to explain their past employment history or even offer up a list of references.  But newspapers generally like to hire actual journalists to report their stories and not drifters who just need a job and a place to crash for a few days.  Did the paper ask Jonathan and Mark for references or to see copies of their past work?  Did Jonathan break the angel code by lying to the editors?  It just seems weird.

Overall, this episode was predictable but heartfelt, in the usual Highway to Heaven fashion.  Moses Gunn brough Ted Tilley to wonderful life and it was hard not to be touched by his joy when he struck out a member of the opposing team.  Realistic or not, it was a sweet episode.

Retro Television Show: Baby on Board 1.1 “Pilot”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Baby On Board, which aired on CBS in 1988.  The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

This week, we have a sitcom about two terrible parents.

Episode 1.1 “Pilot”

(Dir by David Steinberg, originally aired on July 12th, 1988)

George (Lawrence Pressman) and Sally (Jane Galloway) are a married couple in their 40s.  They are also parents to 9 month-old Abigail and they’re still struggling to adapt to life with a baby.  Sally is annoyed because George pretends to be asleep whenever Abigail cries and that George gives the baby food-related nicknames.

“How is she going to feel when she sees you eating a cupcake!?” Sally wails.

George starts to call Abigail “anchovy” because that’s something that he will never eat.

Sally’s mother (Joan Copeland) sometimes comes by so that she can complain about George and talk about how Sally waited too long to have a baby.  (“If you had the baby when you were supposed to, she’d be in college now!”)  George’s father (Larry Haines) also comes by, mostly so he can argue with Sally’s mother.

George and Sally have tickets for a wonderful beach vacation.  But who is going to look after Abigail while they’re gone?  Obviously, the in-laws are not an option.  They decide to hire a babysitter.  At first, George is nervous about leaving Abigail with a stranger but then Lauri the Babysitter shows up and she’s played by a very young Teri Hatcher.  George suddenly decides that he’s now okay with leaving Abigail but suddenly, Sally doesn’t want to go on vacation.  I guess they would rather stay home with the younger woman that her husband is obviously attracted to.  Sally especially gets upset when the cheery Lauri suggests that Sally try out some yoga positions to release stress.  “Is your mother younger than me!?”  Sally demands.

None of this is particularly funny but don’t tell that to the laugh track.  This episode had one of the loudest and most intrusive laugh tracks that I’ve ever heard but pretending that everyone laughed at an unfunny line doesn’t make the line any funnier.  It just emphasizes that everything about the show is fake.

George and Sally do eventually decide to take their vacation.  George’s father shows up to watch the house so that Lauri can spend her time watching the baby.  “Watch how you dress,” George tells Luari, “because my father has a heart condition.”  (Lauri’s outfit is pretty modest so I’m not sure what type of Victorian society George’s father grew up in.)  Then Sally’s mother shows up and throws a fit over George’s father being asked but not her.  Finally, George grabs Abigail and takes her on vacation with them.  But I noticed that George and Sally didn’t bother to pack any baby stuff so good luck with that.

Baby on Board was obviously inspired by the idea that everyone loves a cute baby.  This episode, though, made me feel bad for the baby.  I mean, what a terrible family!  Needless to say, this was the show’s only episode.

Next week — I will start reviewing Malibu CA, a show that actually lasted more than one episode!

Late Night Retro Television Review: Monsters 2.5 “Love Hurts”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing Monsters, which aired in syndication from 1988 to 1991. The entire series is streaming on YouTube.

This week, horror comes to the DMV!  Seriously, there’s nothing scarier than renewing your license….

Episode 2.5 “Love Hurts”

(Dir by Manny Coto, originally aired on October 29th, 1989)

Smooth-talking Vance (Henry Brown) is a ne’er-do-well who has a job working at the DMV in New Orleans.  He works with his disapproving father-in-law, Mr. Brownell (Fred Pinkard), who was responsible for getting Vance the job and who is always quick to make sure that Vance knows that he can cause Vance to lose his job as well.  Oddly enough, it appears that Vance and Mr. Brownell are the only employees at the DMV and the DMV itself is housed in a rather small building.  On the plus side, there’s never a line.  Do people just not drive in New Orleans?  I’ve been to the city and I saw a lot of cars while I was there.

Anyway, Mr. Brownell knows that Vance regularly cheats on his wife, Cora (Renn Woods).  In fact, Vance is currently cheating with Jewel (Olivia Brown, who also played Trudy on Miami Vice).  Mr. Brownell watches in silent disapproval whenever Jewel comes down to the DMV and hangs out at the front desk.  Jewel wants Vance to herself so she turns to her friend, Angie (Valentina Quinn).  Angie just happens to be a voodoo priestess.

The first spell that Jewel and Angie cast simply causes Cora and her father to fall ill with a terrible skin condition.  While Cora and her father are at the doctor’s office, Jewel and Vance get to spend some alone time behind the desk at the DMV.  When Mr. Brownell unexpectedly shows up at the office, he snaps at Vance not to have sex behind the desk at the DMV.  Apparently, the DMV is a sacred space.

The next spell that Jewel and Angie cast causes Mr. Brownell to die.  Without Mr. Bronwell constantly threatening to fire Vance for cheating on Cora, Jewel assumes that Vance will now leave his wife.  Except …. Cora’s pregnant!

The next spell that Jewel casts is designed to join her soul to Vance’s.  Unfortunately, this spell has some unintended consequences as the episode ends as a horribly mutilated and zombified Vance approaches Jewel.  Agck!

The gore at the end was very much appreciated, at least by this viewer.  Vance and Jewel were such unlikable characters that it was definitely a pleasure to see them get what was coming to them, the gorier the better.  The ending was effectively macabre but the rest of the episode was far too mild for its own good.  The script was weak, the actors were all a bit too theatrical in their performances, and the story itself played out at a surprisingly slow pace.  Ending aside, this was one of the more forgettable episodes of Monsters.