Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 3.21 “Jungle Man/Mary Ann and Miss Sophisticate”

Posted on October 31, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. Almost entire show is currently streaming is on Youtube!

This week, Fantasy Island is invaded by jungle men and ventriloquists!

Episode 3.21 “Jungle Man/Mary Ann and Miss Sophisticate”

(Dir by Michael Vejar, originally aired on March 8th, 1980)

For years, David Farley (Dennis Cole) starred as Jungle Man on television. When the show was canceled, David made a living by doing public appearances as Jungle Man but then the producers of the show filed a lawsuit. As a result, David is no longer allowed to ever dress up in a loin cloth. David comes to Fantasy Island, hoping for one last chance to be Jungle Man.

(This fantasy, by the way, had its roots in what happened to the original Lone Ranger, Clayton Moore. Moore was told that he could no longer wear the mask in public because a new Lone Ranger movie was coming out. The producers also took Moore to court. Moore reacts by ditching the mask and wearing wrap-around sunglasses instead.)

Mr. Roarke explains to David that his fantasy will make Jungle Man a reality. There will be no stunt doubles and the bad guys might not be as easy to defeat as on television. David says he doesn’t care. He finds himself again in the jungle, transformed into Jungle Man! He also discovers that all of his friends are upset with him because they haven’t seen him for two years. They think that Jungle Man just abandoned them and, of course, Jungle Man can’t explain that the show was canceled.

In Jungle Man’s absence, Queen Mara (France Nuyen) has agreed to surrender the jungle to the evil hunter, Derrick Haskell (Dick Butkus, who between Half-Nelson, Hang Time, and this show, is becoming a bit of a regular on this site). Can Jungle Man prevent Mara from signing over her land? And can he save Rima (Barbara Luna), the woman he loves? And, even more importantly, can he convince Roarke to to let him live forever in the jungle?

Of course, he can. This was a bit of silly fantasy but it still worked because of how earnest Dennis Cole was in the role of Jungle Man. Plus, I enjoyed that life in the jungle had continued even after the Jungle Man television show was canceled. It captured the way that a lot of us feel when our favorite TV show is cancelled and we wonder what happened to all the characters after the finale.

The other fantasy was …. well, it was weird and creepy and surprisingly dark. Annette Funicello played Mary Ann Carlin (Annette Funicello), a world famous ventriloquist. Mary Ann is worried that she can no longer tell where her personality ends and where the personality of her dummy, Valerie, begins. Is there anything creepier than a ventriloquist with a personality conflict?

Mary Ann’s fantasy is to separate her personality from Valerie’s for a weekend so that she can decide what to do with her career. (This sounds like something that would be better handled by a therapist than a resort owner but whatever.) Mr. Roarke’s solution is to turn Valerie into a living human being. Unfortunately, it turns out that Valerie has a man streak and she not only seduces Mary Ann’s boyfriend (Don Galloway) but she also gives a surreal performance in which, somehow, Mary Ann is transformed into the dummy.

Fortunately for Mary Ann. everything works out. She finally snaps out of whatever spell she was under and she tossed Valerie, who is now suddenly a doll once again, in a fire. Mary Ann and her boyfriend leave the Island, planning on getting married and settling down. Apparently, Mary Ann doesn’t have a problem with the fact that her boyfriend had sex with a ventriloquist’s dummy but I still imagine that it’s something she’ll bring up whenever they have a disagreement about something. “You think I’m spending too much money!? Remember that time you screwed a block of wood?”

It really doesn’t make much sense at all but it’s so surreal and weird that it’s fun to watch. This fantasy was the Island at its most nightmarish and certainly, that makes it an appropriate fantasy to close out October with!

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Nightmare Café 1.5 “Sanctuary For A Child”

Posted on October 30, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing Nightmare Café, which ran on NBC from January to April of 1992. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

This week, the café goes country!

Episode 1.5 “Sanctuary For A Child”

(Dir by Armand Mastroianni, originally aired on March 27th, 1992)

On tonight’s episode of Nightmare Café, we learn a few things about the café. Apparently, the café is not just located in Los Angeles. It can materialize anywhere on the planet but it apparently does so on its own. Though Blackie (played by Robert Englund) claims to be the proprietor of the café, this episode suggests that he actually has no control over it. While Blackie apparently does know why the Nightmare Café does the things that it does, it would appear that the café still has a mind of its own. It decides where it is going and it decides when it is time to leave.

This episode, for instance, begins with the Nightmare Café materializing on a street in a small, country town. Soon after it materializes, both Frank and Fay also materialize inside the café. I’ve often wondered where Frank and Fay go whenever the café is closed for business. Frank and Fay, after all, are essentially ghosts. Do they need to eat or sleep? This episode suggests that they do, as Fay complains about having to get up early because “the café” has decided to open up the crack of dawn.

Soon enough, a young boy named Luke Wall (Brandon Quintin Adams) comes walking into the café. He and Frank immediately bond, with Frank realizing that Luke is trying to run away from home. What Frank discovers upon following Luke out of the café is that Luke’s home is in a hospital. Luke is in a coma and has been for quite some time. Frank also discovers that the café has materialized in his home town, the place that he left when he joined the Navy and to which he thought he would never return. Luke is the son of Frank’s former best friend, Tom (Vondie Curtis-Hall), and his ex-girlfriend, Evelyn (Angela Bassett). Frank explains to Fay that Evelyn was the love of his life but his racist father demanded that they break up. That was one of the main reasons why Frank left town and has never returned.

So, the Nightmare Cafe wants two things to happen. It wants Tom and Evelyn to make peace with Luke’s impending death and also with each other. And it wants Frank to deal with his past and his feelings towards his late father.

And that’s exactly what happens. It’s a sweet episode, even if it’s a bit predictable and heavy-handed enough to end with “The Living Years” playing on the soundtrack. In many ways, this felt more like an episode of Highway to Heaven than an episode of Nightmare Café but, as was so often the case with this show, the strong performances of the cast carried the narrative over any rough spots. In the end, Frank made his peace with the past, Luke moved on to the afterlife, and the Nightmare Café moved on to a new town.

Next week: the final episode of Nightmare Café!

Retro Television Reviews: Miami Vice 1.8 “No Exit”

Posted on October 30, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing Miami Vice, which ran on NBC from 1984 to 1989. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, Bruce Willis comes to Miami!

Episode 1.8 “No Exit”

(Dir by David Soul, originally aired on November 9th, 1984)

Tony Amato is a complete monster.

He’s an arms dealer, one who is responsible for machine guns showing up all over Miami. When he’s not selling guns to drug dealers, he’s plotting to sell rocket launchers to terrorists. He’s a crude and a violent man who has suddenly gotten very wealthy and who likes to show off his money. He lives in a pink, art deco mansion. He has a beautiful wife named Rita (Katherine Borowitz), who he regularly abuses. Miami Vice wants to arrest him to get the guns off the street. The federal government wants to arrest him so that they can get their rocket launchers back. And Rita …. well, Rita just wants to hire someone to kill him.

Tony Amato is a memorable character because of just how thoroughly evil he actually is. He’s a criminal because he enjoys it and it doesn’t bother him that his weapons can lead to innocent people dying. Tony is also memorable because he’s played by Bruce Willis. This was Willis’s first credited acting role. (He had appeared as an extra in a few movies before this.) Willis got the role on the recommendation of Don Johnson, who remembered Bruce as being the bartender at one of his favorite New York bars. Though there’s not a lot of depth to the role, Willis does get to show off the cocky confidence that would later become his trademark.

As for the episode, it’s dark even by the standards of Miami Vice. The episode opens with a violent chase and gunfight in the streets of Miami and it ends, just as the previous episode did, with an abused spouse probably throwing their life away to get revenge. We watch as Tubbs, Crockett, and Lester (Julio Oscar Mechesco) sneak into Tony’s mansion and manage to bug the place before Tony returns home. They set up their survelliance operation on Crockett’s boat. Of course, things pretty much fall apart as soon as the federal agents show up and demand to be allowed to oversee the operation.

While the Miami cops and the federal agents fight over jurisdiction, Crockett tries to help Rita escape from her husband. He approaches her while she’s waiting to meet with a hitman and convinces her to let the cops handle it. He promises her that he will put Tony away, even though he knows nothing is ever that simple. Both Katherine Borowitz and Don Johnson do a good job in their scenes together. Deep down, Crockett knows that he’s giving Rita false hope but he can’t bring himself to admit it.

Tubbs, once again, gets to break out his Jamaican accent as he goes undercover as a terrorist who is in the market for Tony’s rocket launchers. Through Tubbs’s hard work, Tony is arrested but, on the steps of the courthouse, two new government agents demand that Tony be released because they’ve determined him to be a potential asset in their own Central American operations. Tony smirks as his handcuffs are removed. Rita appears on the steps, demanding to know why Tony is being set free. She pulls a gun from her purse. We got a freeze frame of Sonny shouting, “NO!” as a gunshot echoes on the soundtrack. Tony may be dead (and we never specifically see whether Rita’s aim was true or not) but his guns are still on the streets, the people he sold to are still free, and the only person going to prison is going to be an abused wife.

Like I said, this was a dark episode. This is one of those episodes that left the viewer to wonder why Cockett and Tubbs even bothered to make the effort. In the end, all their hard work added up to nothing. For Crockett, the case became about saving Rita but the government was more concerned about their own shady schemes that protecting its citizens. Of course, even if Tony had been sent to prison, someone else would have taken his place. That’s life in Miami.

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Degrassi Junior High 1.7 “Best Laid Plans”

Posted on October 29, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Sunday, I will be reviewing the Canadian series, Degrassi Junior High, which aired on CBC and PBS from 1987 to 1989! The series can be streamed on YouTube!

This week, Degrassi goes there!

Episode 1.7 “Best Laid Plan”

(Dir by Kit Hood, originally aired on March 1st, 1987)

This week’s episode of Degrassi Junior High is cringe city. I mean that in a good way. Seriously, Degrassi Junior High may be close to 40 years old but awkwardness about sex, especially when you’re still trying to figure out what it’s all about, is a timeless subject.

Stephanie (Nicole Stoffman) has had a crush on Wheels (Neil Hope) since the series began but their one date ended in disaster when Stephanie had too much to drink beforehand. Still, she finally works up the courage to ask Wheels if he wants to do something on Friday night and Wheels says yes! Yay!

Voula (Niki Kemeny), who is absolutely one of the worst characters in the history of Degrassi, pops up to once again whine about Stephanie not thanking her when she won the school presidency and to accuse Stephanie of being sleazy just because she doesn’t dress like a member of polygamous cult. SHUT UP, VOULA! Your father won’t even let you stay out past 9:00.

Stephanie gets even more excited when her mother (Pat Beaven) tells Stephanie that she has a date on Friday and she’ll be out of the house. Stephanie drops Wheels a note asking him to come to her house at 7:30. Soon, everyone is school is talking about how Stephanie and Wheels are definitely going to do it on their date. When the creepy twins ask Stephanie if she’s really going to have sex with Wheels, Stephanie shrugs in the fashion of someone trying to be more worldly than she actually is.

Meanwhile, Stephanie is still refusing to admit that Arthur (Duncan Waugh) is her brother. This annoys Arthur but at least his best friend Yick Yu (Siluck Saysanasy) has managed to get his hands on a VHS copy of Swamp Sex Robots. Yick wants to watch it but, this being the 80s, the only way to watch it would be to pop it in the living room VCR and his parents are always at home. Wait a minute! Arthur has a VCR and both his mother and his sister have dates!

Wheels, feeling insecure about sex, talks to his father (Timm Zemanek). (Of course, true Degrassi fans know that Wheels is actually adopted and his real father is a drunk living on the other side of Canada but it’ll be a while until we reach that storyline.) His father tells Wheels that it’s important to use protection so Wheels heads down to the local drug store and purchases some condoms. The pharmacist is concerned that someone as young as Wheels needs condoms and she gives him a bunch of sex safe pamphlets. What Wheels doesn’t know is that the pharmacist is also …. STEPHANIE’S MOTHER!

OH MY GOD! Seriously, cringe!

It’s Friday night! After embarrassing Stephanie and Arthur by giving them safe sex pamphlets at the dinner table, Stephanie’s mom is waiting for her date. Stephanie is trying to get ready for Wheels without her mom seeing the slutty outfit that she’s wearing. And Arthur wants everyone to get out of the house before Yick and his gang of pervs show up to watch Swamp Sex Robots. Stephanie’s mom’s date arrives on time. Unfortunately, Wheels shows up early and, when Stephanie’s mom opens the door, both dates are standing on the porch, holding flowers.

“You’re the boy from the pharmacy!” Stephanie’s mom says before yelling at Stephanie to come downstairs.

Stephanie’s hasty attempt to toss on a bathrobe as she comes downstairs doesn’t fool her mother. After seeing how her daughter usually dresses outside of the house, Stephanie’s mom sends her date home and then yanks Wheels into the house so that she can give both Stephanie and Wheels a lecture about being too young for sex. Unfortunately, before she can really get into that lecture, Yick and his friends show up wanting to watch their porn….

Seriously, this was a great episode and it represented everything that made Degrassi special. It was honest but it was funny and it had me cringing as I had flashbacks to my own days of wannabe wild youth. Like last week’s episode, Best Laid Plans (great title) proved to be too controversial for the UK and the BBC declined to air the episode.

Seriously, Degrassi goes there!

Retro Television Reviews: Return To Cabin By The Lake (dir by Po-Chih Leong)

Posted on October 29, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Sundays, I will be reviewing the made-for-television movies that used to be a primetime mainstay. Today’s film is 2001’s Return To Cabin By The Lake! It can be viewed on YouTube.

Stanley Caldwell (Judd Nelson) is back!

At the end of Cabin By The Lake, screenwriter Stanley had managed to escape from the police by faking his own drowning. Return to Cabin By The Lake finds Stanley using a variety of disguises and fake identities in his effort to once again become a part of the film industry. He is particularly interested in the fact that his previous murder spree is being turned into a movie. He’s considerably less happy about the fact that everyone involved in the movie continually disparages his work as a screenwriter. He’s even less happy when he hears them speculating that there was a sexual-motive behind Stanley’s murders or that Stanley was acting out against his mother. For someone who spent the previous movie drowning innocent women and then visiting their bodies in the lake, Stanley sure does seem to be shocked to discover that most people don’t have a high opinion of him. You’re a murderer, Stanley. People don’t like murderers.

Anyway, as a master of disguise, Stanley is able to work his way into the production of the film. Even though everyone on the set is spending 24 hours a day obsessing on and recreating the crimes of Stanley, no one is suspicious of the guy who looks just like Stanley and who keeps saying stuff like, “Stanley would never do that!” Stanley becomes obsessed with script writer Andrea (Dahlia Salem). He also comes to resent the film’s shallow director, Mike Helton (Brian Krause, giving the film’s best performance). Stanley decides that he would be a better director of the film so he buries Mike alive and then takes over direction.

Return To Cabin By The Lake is a bit more deliberately humorous than the first film. If Cabin By The Lake was full of pleasant townspeople and earnest police officers, Return To Cabin By The Lake is populated with caricatures of various Hollywood phonies. Everyone involved in Return To Cabin By The Lake‘s film-within-a-film is blithely unconcerned with the feelings of the the victim’s loved ones nor do they really care about telling the story accurately. Helton’s only concern is that the script have enough sex. That Stanley not only takes over as director but turns out to be a pretty good at it would appear to be Return To Cabin By The Lake’s ultimate statement on the film industry.

Judd Nelson is a bit more energetic in the sequel than he was in the first film. That said, Return To Cabin The By The Lake makes the mistake of asking us to buy the idea of Stanley being a master of disguise. Judd Nelson is always going to look and sound like Judd Nelson, regardless of whether he’s wearing a wig or not.

Though it’s a bit constrained by being a made-for-TV movie, Return To Cabin By The Lake is a marked improvement on the first film, one that has more humor and a better performance from its lead. The film ends with an opening for another sequel but it was apparently never to be.

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Check It Out 1.4 “X-Ray Marks The Spot”

Posted on October 28, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing the Canadian sitcom, Check it Out, which ran in syndication from 1985 to 1988. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, it’s physical time!

Episode 1.4 “X-Ray Marks The Spot”

(Dir by Stan Harris, originally aired on October 23rd, 1985)

Oh, the drama never ends in Canada!

Cobb’s has just switched over to a new insurance plan and all of the employees are going to have to get physicals to make sure that they qualify. That means that everyone has to come in on Monday, regardless of whether it’s their day off or not. (Since the store only seems to have 3 cashiers and one stockboy, I’m not sure they can afford to give anyone a day off.) The physicals will be done right in the store parking lot which …. wait, what? That’s a bit intrusive.

(Actually, I assume they have some sort of mobile doctor’s office but that’s never really made clear in the dialogue, which led me to imagine all of the characters getting poked and prodded in the middle of the parking lot.)

That’s not the only problem! Murray the stock boy put a lot of cans in the storeroom and, after a torrential downfall, he discovered that he put all the cans underneath a hole in the roof. The cans got wet and their labels peeled off. Christian suggests just donating the cans to charity and taking a tax write-off but Howard points out that some of the cans were dog food. “Okay,” Christian says, “give it to poor people with pets!”

(Actually, that’s not a bad idea….)

Howard, himself, is upset because he nearly got run over by a kid driving a car. He tells Edna that he hates kid. Howard picks the worst time to tell Edna this because, before coming to work, she took a pregnancy test and guess who is expecting?

Edna tries to keep the news from Howard until he’s in a better mood but then she discovers that she’ll have to get an x-ray at the physical and, when she tells Howard why she can’t do that, Howard is not particularly enthused about the prospect of being a father. Edna gets upset and leaves Canada for Florida!

How will all of this get resolved?

Well, the mystery of the cans is solved when Murray gets them ex-rayed. I’m not sure if it’s a good idea to sell people food that was just zapped with radiation but whatever.

Edna leaving is temporarily resolved when Marlene, who is the best character on the show, become Howard’s new secretary. Marlene turns out to be so bad at her job that I was cringing at my own memories of my first day as an administrative assistant. Fortunately, Edna returns and takes her old job back.

She also tearfully tells Howard that the test was incorrect and she’s not pregnant. Edna sits down at her desk, opens the desk drawer, and discovers the stuffed Panda bear that Howard bought while she was gone. “Awwwwwww!” the studio audience said. And, I’ll be honest, I said it too.

The first half of this episode really didn’t work for me, largely because both Don Adams and Dinah Christie (in the roles of Howard and Edna, respectively) had a tendency to go BIG in their performances and that pretty much made it impossible for me to really get emotionally involved with their story. It was a bit too obvious that they weren’t lovers but that they were instead just two actors reciting their lines. The second half of the episode was a marked improvement, when both Adams and Christie dialing back their performances and actually talking like real human beings. Shaky start aside, the episode did kind of earn that “awwww” from the audience.

Next week, a contest goes wrong!

Retro Television Reviews: Welcome Back Kotter 2.17 “Chicken a la Kotter”

Posted on October 28, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Welcome Back Kotter, which ran on ABC from 1975 to 1979. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, Gabe needs surgery!

Episode 2.17 “Chicken a la Kotter”

(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on January 27th, 1977)

At the apartment, Gabe tells Julie about his Uncle Socrates Kotter. Uncle Socrates had a best friend named Euripides but they drifted apart when Socrates moved to Chicago and opened up his own dry cleaning place. One day, a guy who looked just like Euripides walked into the business.

“Euripedes!” Socrates shouted.

“Yeah,” the guy replied as he handed over his pants, “you menda these?”

Plato was not available for comment.

After the opening credits, we find ourselves back at the apartment. Gabe comes home from the dentist and tells Julie that he has three abscesses. (Good Lord, Gabe!) Gabe says that a root canal will cost thousands. Having the teeth pulled will cost hundreds. Or maybe he can just convince someone to knock out all of his teeth for free.

Julie says that she’s gotten a part-time job stuffing envelopes but that’s probably not going to pay for Gabe’s dental surgery. She suggests that he call one of the personal loan places that advertise on television. Gabe is reluctant because he hates their commercials but, at Julie’s insistence, he calls and asks for $12,000. The guy on the other end of the line asks Gabe what he does for a living.

“I’m a teacher,” Gabe replies.

“What’s he saying?” Julie asks.

“I’ll tell you after he stops laughing.”

Eventually, the guy asks Gabe about his assets. “I’m a fun guy,” Gabe says, “I’ve got a good sense of humor….” The loan guy tells Gabe that, if he takes out a loan with them, he’ll have to pay $110 a month for a year and that he would have to put up his first born son as collateral.

(Today, I should add, I spent $110 on Halloween candy.)

The next day, at school, the Sweathogs are confused as to why Gabe is slurring his speech when he calls roll. After Freddie asks if he’s okay, Gabe explains that he has to get dental surgery but he doesn’t have any way to pay for it. Freddie suggests that Gabe join the Marines. Epstein offers to go into business with him. Barbarino volunteers to be the prize at a raffle. Horshack offers to sell his body to science.

After class ends, Gabe sits at his desk and reads the classifieds. (“Wanted, hearse driver. Must not mind riding alone …. sort of.”) Woodman wanders into the classroom and reminds Gabe that he’s not allowed to “moonlight.” Gabe asks Woodman how he manages to make ends meet.

“My ends never meet, Kotter!” Woodman declares.

Gabe bemoans never being able to have fun on his salary.

“There’s more to life than fun, Kotter,” Woodman says, “There’s hard work, sacrifice, and REVENGE!”

After Woodman leaves, Barbarino, Freddie, Horshack, and Epstein return to the classroom and announce that they’ve pooled together their life savings to help out Mr. Kotter. They then hand him five dollars and 72 cents. “Stay mellow, fellow,” Freddie says.

Several nights later, at the apartment, Gabe tells Julie that he has to go to his second job as a “public relations expert at a restaurant.” Julie accuses Gabe of cheating on her. Uhmm, Julie — remember how you all talked about how Gabe would need to get a second job to pay for his root canal? It wasn’t that long ago….

Part of the reason why Julie is suspicious is because Gabe always takes a suitcase with him to work. What’s in the suitcase? Gabe’s work costume! Yes, I said costume. Gabe’s public relations job involves dressing up like a chicken and going to the grand opening of every new Mr. Chicken restaurant.

Guess who walks into the restaurant?

It’s Barbarino, Freddie, Horshack, and Epstein! Horshack, not recognizing Captain Chicken as his teacher, demands an autograph. However, the other Sweathogs quickly recognize him and, no longer as sympathetic as they were a few days ago, they proceed to make fun of Gabe and his costume. Unfortunately, because Gabe is on the clock, he still has to take their orders. They order the Gluten’s Gorge.

While Gabe relays the order to the kitchen, Woodman comes in and sees that the restaurant is having a contest where, if you guess the number of chicken bones in a container, you’ll win a free meal. Gabe has his back to him but he still clearly hears as Woodman announces, “460, Captain Chicken!” Gabe is forced to turn around and reveal that Woodman is “a few bones short.” Woodman tells Gabe to watch out for roosters and then laughs loudly as he leaves.

Gabe is then forced, by the restaurant manager, to do a dance with a cane and a top hat in order to celebrate the Sweathogs ordering a Gluten’s Gorge. The Sweathogs applaud and congratulate Gabe for being a “good sport.” Gabe explains that he took this demeaning job because he couldn’t get a day job because it would mean abandoning his Sweathogs. The restaurant manager then orders Gabe to get his “delinquents” students out of the place.

“Up your gizzard with a rubber lizard,” Freddie replies.

Rather than betray his students, Gabe quits his job. They all leave to get Chinese food. Yay! I love Chinese food.

Back at the apartment, Gabe tells Julie a joke about his Aunt Sophie, who always used to sleep with her mouth open and….

Wait a minute …. did Gabe ever get his dental surgery? It seems like that whole part of the story kind of got pushed to the side. This was an incredibly silly episode and it didn’t quite work for me because, as annoying as Julie can be, her whole assumption that Gabe was having an affair never made sense. She knew why he had to get a night job. Still, at least Mr. Woodman got a few good lines and it’s always touching when the Sweathogs reveal that they really do care about their teacher and themselves.

Seriously, though — three abscesses!? Here’s hoping Gabe takes better care of himself in the future!

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Friday the 13th: The Series 1.4 “A Cup In Time”

Posted on October 27, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing Friday the 13th, a show which ran in syndication from 1988 to 1990. The show can be found on YouTube!

This week, a cursed teacup wreck havoc and destroys lives!

Episode 1.4 “A Cup In Time”

(Dir by Harvey Frost, originally aired on October 19th, 1987)

Someone is killing the homeless. Every morning, young homeless people are being found dead on the street, apparently strangled. The police don’t really care about the victims and therefore, they aren’t really all that concerned with solving the case. In fact, only a social worker named Birdie (Maxine Miller) really seems to care.

Of course, that’s not all that Birdie cares about. Because she has a crush on Jack, she often drops by the Antique Shop in an attempt to visit with him. Since Jack doesn’t know how to deal with her, Mickey and and Ryan end up talking to her instead. Birdie tells them about the murders and she also mentions that her friend, the elderly Sarah Berrell, is missing.

When Jack hears about the homeless being murdered, he says that it might have something to do with one of the shop’s cursed antiques. Searching through the ledger, he comes across a teacup that was sold to Sarah Berrell’s brother!

Indeed, it does turn out that Sarah is involved with the murders. She approaches homeless people at night and offers them a warm drink in a tea cup that is illustrated with a picture of a vine. Whenever anyone drinks from the cup, the vine comes to life and strangles them. Their youth is then transferred over to the owner of the cup. Sarah has committed so many murders that she now appears to be in her 20s. Using the name Lady Di (and played by Hilary Shepard), she is now the hottest rock star in America! Ryan loves her music and, in fact, Lady Di is planning on throwing a free benefit concert for the homeless!

What a mess!

This is actually a pretty good episode, one that is reasonably well-acted and scripted, though I do have to wonder just how long Sarah had been missing for her to have time to create an entirely new life for herself as Lady Di. The episode’s true star was Maxine Miller, who gave a sweet and rather poignant performance as Birdie. Eventually, she discovers what the cup is capable of doing and, in the episode’s best scene, she is tempted to do the same thing that Sarah has been doing. And really, you can’t blame her. I mean, who wouldn’t want to stay forever young? As well, there’s a neat auditory moment, towards the end of the episode, when a crowd of concertgoers start to chant “We Want Di” and it sounds like they’re all saying, “We Want To Die!” It’s an effective effect, whether it was deliberate or not.

All in all, this was a good episode of Friday the 13th. That said, I have to wonder about Birdie. I mean, she knows the teacup was cursed. Is she curious about any of the other stuff in the shop? Will her character ever appear again? I guess I’ll have to keep watching to find out.

Retro Television Reviews: T and T 1.22 “Mickey’s Choice”

Posted on October 27, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing T. and T., a Canadian show which ran in syndication from 1987 to 1990. The show can be found on Tubi!

In this episode, a spoiled little brat discover that …. well, no. I should let Mr. T tell you.

Episode 1.22 “Mickey’s Choice”

(Dir by Donald Shebib, originally aired on June 6th, 1988)

“In this episode,” Mr. T tells us, “a street-smart kid finds out he’s still got a few lessons to learn!”

On the mean and cold streets of Canada, Rubberhead (John Matuszak) sends 13 year-old Mickey (Jamie Shannon) on a mission to pick the pockets of the Canadians who have gathered to watch a street magician. When the police nab Mickey, Rubberheard snarls, “Don’t talk, you little punk!” before walking away.

Because Amy Taler is the only defense attorney in Canada, she gets assigned to Mickey’s case. The prosecution wants to toss Mickey in juvenile hall but Amy argues that Mickey is too young for that. Rubberhead and one of his henchmen walk into the courtroom and are properly thrown out by the judge. Mickey gives them the thumbs up signal as they leave. My question is how has Rubberhead not been arrested as he seems to have absolutely no idea how to subtle about carrying out his criminal activities. Also, why is he called Rubberhed? Is that a nickname he wanted?

Rather then send Mickey into the system, Amy arranges for Mickey to be released into the custody of T.S. Turner. Amy is able to pull this off despite the fact that Turner is an ex-con, her hair is a mess, and Turner is late coming to court. Luckily, the judge is a fan of boxing and he decides that Turner’s former career as a boxer is the perfect justification for giving him custody of a rebellious 13 year-old.

As Turner, Amy, and Mickey leave the courthouse, they are confronted by Rubberhead and his gang. One of them tries to grab Amy.

“Excuse me, brother,” Turner says, “that’s no way to treat a lady.”

Taking advantage of the distraction, Mickey runs for it. After telling Rubberhead, “I’ll deal with you later, punk,” Turner takes off after him.

Fortunately, Turner is able to grab Mickey and drop him off with Aunt Martha (Jackie Richardson) and Renee (Rachael Crawford). Aunt Martha puts Mickey to work peeling potatoes. Turner then heads out to try to track down Rubberhead and his gang.

“When I was younger, I was Mickey,” Turner explains, “I broke my mother’s heart!”

However, despite saying that he’s going to go out and find Rubberhead, the next scene finds Turner having dinner with Mickey, Aunt Martha, and Renee. Turner leads the group in saying grace and even Mickey bows his head.

That night, Rubberhead leaves a bag of burning trash on Aunt Martha’s porch. While Turner is distracted by the fire, Rubberhead breaks into the house and grabs Mickey. Back at Rubberhead’s headquarters, Mickey brags about how tough he is until Rubberhead demands to know what he told the police.

We then cut to Turner asking various Canadians if they’ve seen Mickey. “Look, brother,” Turner says at one point, “I’ve asked politely and I’ve asked nicely. Now, I’m just asking.” Frustrated by one dead end after another, Turner goes to the gym and lifts weights for several minutes.

“That’s how he thinks,” gym owner Decker explains as Turner shouts, “MORE WEIGHT!”

Somehow, all of this weight lifting leads to Turner figuring out where Rubberhead is headquartered. Turner heads down to Rubberhead’s warehouse, where he is promptly captured and tied to a chair by Rubberhead’s gang. Rubberhead announces that both Turner and Mickey will be dropped down an elevator shaft.

“You gotta make a choice, Mickey,” Turner says, “Right or wrong.”

Mickey unties Turner and Turner tosses a motorcycle at Rubberhead, taking out both him and his gang. Turner and Mickey then rush to the courthouse, where Amy has been stalling a court hearing on Mickey’s future. Mickey reveals all that he knows about Rubberhead and his gang. SNITCH!

This is definitely an episode that suffered from trying to tell a 60-minute story in only 30. Seriously, the narrative jumped around so much and was so haphazardly edited that it was a struggle to keep track of what was going on. That said, Canada is a safer place thanks to T.S. Turner and that’s the important thing. That’s why they put their faith in him.

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Highway to Heaven 1.4 “The Return Of The Masked Rider”

Posted on October 26, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Highway to Heaven, which aired on NBC from 1984 to 1989. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi and several other services!

This week, Jonathan and Mark clean up a troubled neighborhood!

Episode 1.4 “The Return of the Masked Rider”

(Dir by Michael Landon, originally aired on October 3rd, 1984)

This week, Jonathan and Mark end up a gym in a city. Jonathan applies for a job as a cut man. The gym’s owner, Mau Mau (Stoney Jackson), is doubtful because Jonathan can’t give him any references to call but then Jonathan magically heals a cut over a boxer’s eye. Jonathan gets the job and just in time because this neighborhood needs to be protected.

The problem is that the neighborhood is being ruled by Thumper (Darin Taylor) and the Satan’s Helpers. Everyone in the neighborhood is scared of the Satan’s Helpers and who can blame them when the gang literally identifies with Satan? I mean, they’re not only fans of Satan but they’re helping him as well! Anyway, the statewide boxing championship is coming up and Thumper is going to be fighting another neighborhood boxer, Joey (Chip MacAllister). The Satan’s Helpers demand that Joey throw the fight and to make sure that Joey does so, they kidnap his grandfather (Hank Rolike)!

Mark suggests that Jonathan just “zap” the gang members and bring an end to the whole thing but Jonathan explains that their mission is not to take out the gang. Their mission is to encourage the other residents in the neighborhood to take back the streets, “like the Guardian Angels!” You heard it, folks. God supports vigilantism.

Luckily, Morton Clay (John Agar) lives in the neighborhood as well. Morton was once a movie star, playing the Masked Bandit. Now retired and nearly forgotten, Morton lives in an apartment building with several of his former co-stars. Jonathan encourages Morton and his friends to put on their old costumes and march down to the headquarters of the Satan’s Helpers. The rest of the neighborhood is so amazed by the parade of old timey heroes, that they follow.

The Satan’s Helpers are so intimidated by sight of the entire neighborhood gathered together that they decide to stop helping Satan and they release the grandfather. Yay! Meanwhile, at the boxing match, Joey refuses to take a dive and he knocks out Thumper. Yay! The neighborhood is saved.

When people refer to Highway to Heaven as being a campy show, they are probably referring to episodes like this one. Undoubtedly, the episode is well-intentioned. Watching it, you can tell that Michael Landon was hoping that this episode would inspire people to take pride in the neighborhoods, just like the Masked Bandit and his friends! But the episode’s extremely earnest approach feels a bit naïve. There’s nothing particularly intimidating about the Satan’s Helpers and it certainly doesn’t help their credibility that they’re scare off by a bunch of elderly people wearing costumes.

Next week, Mark and Jonathan break into the country music world!