Michael Zaslow | Through the Shattered Lens

1979’s Meteor is about a big rock that is tumbling through space. Earth is directly in its path and, if it hits the planet, it could be an extinction-level event. Unfortunately, little bits of the rock keep breaking off and crashing into Earth, destroying cities and fleeing extras. Goodbye, Hong Kong. Goodbye, Switzerland, which is destroyed via stock footage lifted from Avalanche. Goodbye, New York, which blows up in such spectacular fashion that the scene was later re-used in The Day After.

It might seem like the planet is doomed. The meteor is unstoppable. Bruce Willis hasn’t become a star yet. But fear not! Some of the brightest faces of the 70s have been recruited to stop the meteor. Natalie Wood, in one of her final films, plays a translator and gets covered in muddy river water. Sean Connery wears a turtleneck and curses in that Scottish way of his. Karl Malden wears a hat and tells people to calm down while he calls the President. Brian Keith plays a Russian with all the grace and skill of a cat trying to rip open a bag of treats. Martin Landau is the military official who doesn’t think that the scientist know what they’re talking about. Henry Fonda is the president. That’s a lot of balding men for one movie and it’s hard not to notice that both Malden and Keith often seem to be wearing a hat whenever they share a scene with Connery. My personal theory is that the production, having spent all of their money on blowing up New York, couldn’t afford more than two toupees so everyone had to take turns wearing them. (The few scenes where Malden is hatless while in Connery’s presence are often oddly filmed, with either Connery on Malden standing with their back to the camera, almost as if the scenes were actually done with a stand-in.)

We’re supposed to breathe a sigh of relief when we see that Henry Fonda is playing the President but I’ve seen Fail Safe and I remember him allowing the Russian to nuke New York City. Interestingly enough, New York gets destroyed in this film too. Why didn’t President Fonda care about New York City? Of course, the scientists and the military folks are all located in a control center that’s located under the city. Malden mentions that they’re right next to the Hudson River. It doesn’t seem to occur to anyone that this is a bad idea but, then again, they also elected Henry Fonda president again.

My late friend and colleague Gary Loggins described Meteor as being a “crashing bore.” I have to admit that this is one of the few times that I have ever disagreed with Gary. Meteor is a tremendous amount of fun, as long as you’re watching it with a group of people and nobody takes it seriously. (The first time I saw it was at one in the morning while I was in college. Jeff and I watched it in the lounge of one of the dorms. We may be the only two people to have romantic memories of Meteor.) Meteor features a cast of champion scenery chewers. Karl Malden, Sean Connery, Martin Landau, Brian Keith, none of them were exactly subtle actors and giving them an excuse to argue about how to deal with a meteor allows for a lot of very enjoyable overacting. As well, the special effects are so cheap and obviously fake that it’s hard not to laugh out loud whenever the film cuts to that shot of the meteor rolling through space or the incredibly shiny American and Russian missiles slowly heading towards it.

Meteor’s a lot of fun, even if it is one of those movies where no one points out that our heroes inevitably seem to make every situation worse with their own stupidity. It’s very much at the tail-end of the 70s disaster boom. Watch it for the stars. Watch it for the rock. And watch it for the hairpieces.

Previous Guilty Pleasures

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, The Love Boat sets sail without a laugh track and things get awkward.

Episode 5.4 “The Incredible Hunk/Isaac, the Marriage Counselor/Jewels & Jim”

(Dir by Howard Morris, originally aired on October 24th, 1981)

Julie has hired a new entertainer for this cruise. His name is Hank Austin (Brian Kerwin) and he’s a teacher-by-day and a dancer-by-night. Julie has never actually seen Hank perform but Hank’s agent assured Julie that he’s amazing. How will Julie (and Captain Stubing) react when Hank turns out to be a …. STRIPPER!?

Even more importantly, how will the head of Hank’s PTA react? Shelley (Christopher Norris) is also a passenger on the boat and she and Hank take an immediate liking to each other. Fortunately, for Hank, Shelley does not see his performance but afterwards, she tells Hank that she’s heard a lot of people talking about how there’s a male stripper on the ship. Hank laughs it off. But then Julie walks up to Shelley and starts to complain about Hank’s act, which is seriously immature of her. I mean, Julie doesn’t even know Shelley but Julie still acts like she’s morally offended that Shelley would associate with someone with whom Julie is upset. It’s seriously out-of-character for Julie and it made me wonder if maybe Julie picked up some coke when the ship was docked at Acapulco.

Don’t worry, though. Julie eventually apologizes for lashing out and Shelley and Hank leave the ship together. From now on, the only stripping that Hank will be doing will be at PTA meetings.

Things also work out for Frank Dalton (Flip Wilson). Frank boards the ship and tells Isaac that he changed Frank’s life. Isaac has no idea who Frank is. Frank explains that he took the same cruise last year. He had a fight with his wife and went into the Pirate’s Cove for a drink. Frank told Isaac his problems. Isaac told him that sometimes, a man just has to put his foot down. Frank took Isaac’s advice and, as a result, his wife left him. Now, Frank is single and suicidal. Isaac tries to set Frank up with some other passengers. When that doesn’t work, Isaac calls Frank’s ex-wife and convinces her to board the boat in Acapulco and take him back. Frank and Janet (Marla Gibbs) are reunited. Good work, Isaac!

Finally, a jewel thief named Jim Pickett (Michael Zaslow) boards the boat. He just wants to steal a valuable necklace but instead, he ends up falling in love with Lilia Chandler (Joan Van Ark). When Jim does steal a necklace from Mrs. Landers (Henny Backus), he gives it to Lila. However, when it looks like Jim’s going to get caught by the Captain, Lila gives the necklace back to Mrs. Landers. It turns out that Lila is a jewel thief as well! She was going to let Jim steal the necklace for her but then she fell in love with him. The two reformed thieves leave the ship as a couple.

This was a weird episode because there was no laugh track. There was several moments where it was obvious that a laugh track was meant to be heard but instead of canned laughter, there was only dead air. It made the entire episode feel a bit awkward. Laugh tracks are definitely dork and corny but then again, so is The Love Boat. If anything, The Love Boat is one of the rare shows that benefitted from having a laugh track. It’s absence made the entire cruise feel weird.

As for the guest stars and their stories, I liked Michael Zaslow and Joan Van Ark. They had an enjoyable chemistry. The other two stories weren’t that interesting. The male stripper story only succeeded in making Julie look totally incompetent at her job. She got mad at Hank for being a stripper but did it seriously not occur to her to ask what type of dancing he actually did before booking him? As for the other story, it was just depressing. A laugh track would have helped….

This was just not a very good cruise, I’m afraid. It happens. Hopefully, next week will be better.