Late Night Retro Television Review: CHiPs 4.12 “Home Fires Burning”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing CHiPs, which ran on NBC from 1977 to 1983.  The entire show is currently streaming on Prime!

It’s arson and basketball on CHiPs!

Episode 4.12 “Home Fires Burning”

(Dir by Charles Bail, originally aired on February 1st, 1981)

Two arsonists (David Hayward and Michael Cavanugh) are setting RVs on fire as a part of an insurance scam.  One man (Jack Kruschen) who hires the arsonists is horrified when their carelessness leads to a security guard getting seriously injured.  If the guard dies, the man is looking at serious jail time!  (Luckily, the guard doesn’t die and apparently, everyone just forgets about sending his boss to jail.)

Luckily, Baker is there to help track the arsonists down.  Ponch, on the other hand, is busy putting together a Highway Patrol basketball team.  It’s hard not to notice how much time the Highway Patrol spends on stuff like basketball, dirt bike competitions, and drag car racing.  Somehow, Ponch has gone from being the department’s screw-up to now being the guy who is automatically given all of the responsibility.  It’s the Ponch Show and everyone knows it.

This episode was directed by veteran stuntman Charles Bail and it does have some spectacular stunts.  (A car jumping through an exploding RV was my favorite.)  And let’s be honest.  I could sit here and spend hours talking about CHiPs became the Ponch Show during the fourth season and how the rest of the cast was underutilized.  And I would be totally correct.  But the stunts and the car crashes are the main appeal of this show and this episode featured several examples of each.

As such, this was a good episode.

Brad reviews DONATO AND DAUGHTER (1993), starring Charles Bronson & Dana Delany!


DONATO AND DAUGHTER tells the story of Los Angeles Police detectives, Mike Donato (Charles Bronson), and his daughter Dena Donato (Dana Delany). The two have a strained relationship mainly due to the mysterious death of Dena’s brother, Tommy, and Mike’s unwillingness to discuss the circumstances surrounding his death with her. When a serial killer (Xander Berkeley) begins targeting nuns, brutally raping and murdering them, Dena is asked to lead a task force to catch the killer. Her supervisor not-so-subtly requires that she include her father, a tough-as-nails and experienced cop, as part of the team. The remainder of the story focuses on two elements: 1) The investigation as it closes in on the extremely dangerous serial killer and 2) The family drama as Mike and Dena deal with their relationship issues. The two worlds eventually collide when the killer goes after Dena! 

While he did work on a couple of theatrical films in the 1990’s, like Sean Penn’s THE INDIAN RUNNER (1991) and DEATH WISH 5: THE FACE OF DEATH (1994), Charles Bronson spent most of the decade making made-for-TV movies. Of course, as his biggest fan, I would always watch the movies on the night they premiered on TV, with THE SEA WOLF (1993) being the only exception as we didn’t have cable TV in Toad Suck. That means on September 21st, 1993, I was glued to my television set as the latest Charles Bronson film, DONATO AND DAUGHTER, premiered to a national TV audience on CBS. I specifically remember the network running warnings due to the disturbing and violent content of the movie. I also remember enjoying that first viewing, and I still enjoy the film to this day. 

Even though he was in his early 70’s at the time, Charles Bronson still looked great in DONATO AND DAUGHTER. He gives a strong performance as both the cop trying to catch the killer and as the dad who doesn’t know how to open up to his successful, adult daughter who needs him more than he can comprehend. Dana Delany is an excellent actress, and she is able to balance her character’s determination to be the best cop possible to “show her dad,” with the vulnerability of a daughter who just needs to know he loves her. Their relationship has to work for the movie to work, and I think they both do a great job. The other standout performance in the film belongs to Xander Berkeley. His portrayal of a husband and businessman, who also happens to be a vicious serial killer, is truly creepy and gives the movie a disturbing edge. On a side note, Berkeley’s “wife” in the film is played by actress Kim Weeks. She and Charles Bronson would get married in 1998, and they would be together until his death in 2003.

Overall, I think DONATO AND DAUGHTER is well worth watching as both a cop thriller and a family drama, although I do think the thriller elements work the best. It’s not the most groundbreaking or original story you’ll ever see, but the film is elevated greatly by the iconic presence of Charles Bronson and the strong performances by Dana Delany and Xander Berkeley. I give it a solid recommendation! The trailer is included below:

Days of Paranoia: The Gauntlet (dir by Clint Eastwood)


In 1977’s The Gauntlet, Dirty Harry is sent….

Oh wait, sorry.  This is not a Dirty Harry movie.  It sure feels like a Dirty Harry movie but it’s not.  And really, the character that Clint Eastwood plays in this movie, Phoenix Detective Ben Shockley, is different from Dirty Harry Callahan.  Shockley is a cynical (and single) detective who does things his own way.  He’s got that in common with Callahan.  But Shockley is also an alcoholic and that’s something that Harry would never allow himself to become.  Harry may be unpredictable but he’s disciplined and he’s always in control.  The other big difference is that Shockley has a little more faith in his fellow cops than Harry does.  As a result, Shockley gets set-up in a trap that Harry would have seen coming from miles away.

Shockley is sent to Las Vegas to pick up a prostitute named Augustina and bring her back to Arizona.  Augustina — who goes by Gus — is played by Sondra Locke.  This was the second film that Eastwood and Locke made together.  As a result of preparing for today’s Eastwood marathon, I watched all of the Eastwood/Locke films.  The Gauntlet features Locke’s best performance opposite Eastwood.  (She was good in The Outlaw Josey Wales but her role was also fairly small and simple.)  As opposed to her later films, Locke actually has a good deal of romantic chemistry when Eastwood in this film and, even more importantly, she actually seems invested in the role.  She plays Gus as being a feisty asskicker.  It doesn’t matter that she’s in jail or that she’s handcuffed or that she’s been escorted to another state.  Gus isn’t going to let anyone tell her what to do.   It’s impossible not to root for both her and Shockley in this film.

Of course, it turns out that Shockley has been set up.  Phoenix Police Commissioner Blakelock (William Prince) and District Attorney John Feyderspiel (Michael Cavanaugh) both have their own reasons for not wanting Gus to make it to Phoenix and they’re both willing to sacrifice Shockley to get to her.  They assumed that Shockley, being an alcoholic, would be easy to defeat.  Did they not consider that, alcoholic or not, Ben Shockley is played by Clint Eastwood?  Every attempt that is made to stop him just makes Shockley all the more determined to get Gus to Phoenix.  The film becomes a particularly violent take on It Happened One Night, going as far as to have Gus and Shockley take over a bus on their way to Phoenix.

Ah, the bus.  The Gauntlet climaxes with a scene in which literally thousands of bullets are fired into a bus that Shockley and Gus are driving through Phoenix.  It’s an exciting sequence, one that’s so gloriously over-the-top that you can’t help but feel that Eastwood was poking fun at his own persona.  At the same time, the sequence also works as a commentary on the blind obedience necessary for an authoritarian to come to power.  The cops who have lined up to shoot at the bus open fire when they’re ordered to, without asking why a bus has to be riddled with bullets.  Eastwood manages to mix a healthy dose of paranoia with his satire.

Though the plot (much like the bus) is riddled with holes, The Gauntlet‘s an entertaining film.  Between Eastwood and Locke’s chemistry and the explosive action sequences, The Gauntlet is a film you can’t look away from.

#MondayMuggers presents STRATEGIC COMMAND (1997) starring Michael Dudikoff!


Every Monday night at 9:00 Central Time, my wife Sierra and I host a “Live Movie Tweet” event on X using the hashtag #MondayMuggers. We rotate movie picks each week, and our tastes are quite different. Tonight, Monday May 12th, we are showing STRATEGIC COMMAND (1997) starring Michael Dudikoff, Paul Winfield, Richard Norton, Amanda Wyss, Bryan Cranston, and Michael Cavanaugh.

This movie focuses on Rick Harding (Michael Dudikoff), a former Marines officer, who’s now working in the FBI as a chemical weapons designer. While packing up one night, a group of armed soldiers break into the FBI research lab. Interestingly, these soldiers are led by a man named Carlos Gruber (Richard Norton).

So, join us tonight for #MondayMuggers and watch STRATEGIC COMMAND! It’s on Amazon Prime. The trailer is included below:

The Eric Roberts Collection: Raptor (dir by Jim Wynorski)


In 2001’s Raptor, Eric Roberts stars as Jim Tanner, the sheriff of a small desert town.  When the locals start turning up all shredded to heck, Sheriff Tanner suspects that maybe it was an animal attack.  When the sheriff’s daughter (Lorissa McComas) witnesses one of the attacks and goes into a coma as a result, Tanner is determined to get justice, even if it means working with his ex-girlfriend, Barbara (Melissa Brasselle).

It turns out that it’s neither coyotes nor bears that are attacking the folks in the desert.  Instead, it’s a bunch of dinosaurs that have been brought back into existence by Dr. Hyde (Corbin Bernsen, wearing a beret), a mad scientist who has a laboratory in a secret government installation.  When the army realizes that there’s a bunch of mini-dinosaurs roaming the desert, they send in a special taskforce to take care of the problem.

It’s a pretty simple movie and no one in the cast, Roberts included, really seems to be taking it all that seriously.  There a few scenes where Corbin Bernsen looks like he’s about to break out laughing at some of his dialogue.  Director Jim Wynorski keeps the action moving and tosses in plenty of blood and a little nudity.  If you’ve ever seen any of the other films that Wynorski directed for producer Roger Corman, you’ll know what to expect from Raptor.

The dinosaurs are cute.  They’re all obviously puppets and there’s a lot of scenes of them moving quickly through the desert with an intense look in their eyes.  Apparently, almost all of the dinosaur footage was lifted from the first three Carnosaur films, which perhaps explains why the film suddenly goes from being about Sheriff Tanner trying to protect his town from the dinosaurs to being about a bunch of soldiers hunting for the dinosaurs in Dr. Hyde’s underground lab.  It’s cheap but it’s kind of fun, a timewaster that no one should take seriously.

Previous Eric Roberts Films That We Have Reviewed:

  1. Star 80 (1983)
  2. Runaway Train (1985)
  3. Blood Red (1989)
  4. The Ambulance (1990)
  5. The Lost Capone (1990)
  6. Love, Cheat, & Steal (1993)
  7. Voyage (1993)
  8. Love Is A Gun (1994)
  9. Sensation (1994)
  10. Dark Angel (1996)
  11. Doctor Who (1996)
  12. Most Wanted (1997)
  13. Mercy Streets (2000)
  14. Wolves of Wall Street (2002)
  15. Mr. Brightside (2004)
  16. Six: The Mark Unleased (2004)
  17. Hey You (2006)
  18. Amazing Racer (2009)
  19. In The Blink of an Eye (2009)
  20. Bed & Breakfast (2010)
  21. Enemies Among Us (2010)
  22. The Expendables (2010) 
  23. Sharktopus (2010)
  24. Beyond The Trophy (2012)
  25. The Dead Want Women (2012)
  26. Deadline (2012)
  27. The Mark (2012)
  28. Miss Atomic Bomb (2012)
  29. Bonnie And Clyde: Justified (2013)
  30. Lovelace (2013)
  31. The Mark: Redemption (2013)
  32. Self-Storage (2013)
  33. A Talking Cat!?! (2013)
  34. This Is Our Time (2013)
  35. Inherent Vice (2014)
  36. Road to the Open (2014)
  37. Rumors of War (2014)
  38. Amityville Death House (2015)
  39. A Fatal Obsession (2015)
  40. Las Vegas Story (2015)
  41. Stalked By My Doctor (2015)
  42. Enemy Within (2016)
  43. Joker’s Poltergeist (2016)
  44. Prayer Never Fails (2016)
  45. Stalked By My Doctor: The Return (2016)
  46. The Wrong Roommate (2016)
  47. Dark Image (2017)
  48. Black Wake (2018)
  49. Frank and Ava (2018)
  50. Stalked By My Doctor: Patient’s Revenge (2018)
  51. Clinton Island (2019)
  52. Monster Island (2019)
  53. The Reliant (2019)
  54. The Savant (2019)
  55. Seven Deadly Sins (2019)
  56. Stalked By My Doctor: A Sleepwalker’s Nightmare (2019)
  57. The Wrong Mommy (2019)
  58. Exodus of a Prodigal Son (2020)
  59. Free Lunch Express (2020)
  60. Her Deadly Groom (2020)
  61. Top Gunner (2020)
  62. Deadly Nightshade (2021)
  63. The Elevator (2021)
  64. Just What The Doctor Ordered (2021)
  65. Killer Advice (2021)
  66. Night Night (2021)
  67. The Poltergeist Diaries (2021)
  68. The Rebels of PT-218 (2021)
  69. A Town Called Parable (2021)
  70. Bleach (2022)
  71. My Dinner With Eric (2022)
  72. Aftermath (2024)
  73. Devil’s Knight (2024)
  74. The Wrong Life Coach (2024)
  75. When It Rains In L.A. (2025

Late Night Retro Television Review: Pacific Blue 1.11 “The Phoenix”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Pacific Blue, a cop show that aired from 1996 to 2000 on the USA Network!  It’s currently streaming everywhere, though I’m watching it on Tubi.

A serial arsonist is setting Malibu on fire so, of course, the bike patrol is called in.

Episode 1.11 “The Phoenix”

(Dir by Charles Siebert, originally aired on May 11th, 1996)

Fires are breaking out all over Malibu.  Whoever the arsonist is, he seems to be targeting a shady businessman named Curtis Bilson (Michael Cavanaugh).  TC and Chris decide to start investigating the arsons themselves, even though neither one of them is in the arson division.  “Bike patrol?” the arson detective asks, when he first meets them.  However, because everyone respects Lt. Palermo, TC and Chris are allowed to investigate.  Chris, being a former jet pilot, is naturally an expert on accelerants.  “Smells like jet fuel.”  Wow, really?

(Basically, this is the equivalent of allowing a school crossing guard to head up the search for a serial killer.)

A surfer named Suicide (Sam Hennings) insists that he saw the fire being set by The Phoenix, a legendary arsonist who the police consider to be dead.  His real name was Willoughby (Tim DeZarn) and the official story is that he got caught in one of his own fires and his body was reduced to ash and that’s why he disappeared without leaving a trace behind.  That seems awfully convenient and really doesn’t make much sense when you think about it but, then again, Malibu has their bike patrol investigating a serial arsonist.  We’re through the looking glass here.

(Myself, I’m concerned by the fact that no one seems to find it weird that their source is nicknamed “Suicide.”  I’m going to guess that’s a surfer thing but still, I cringed every time TC said, “My friend, Suicide….”)

TC and Chris’s investigation leads them to Dr. Anton (Dennis Christopher), an arsonist who is currently in a mental hospital.  They try to do a Lecter/Clarice thing between Anton and Chris.  Dennis Christopher is a good actor and it appears that he was having fun playing a thoroughly demented character.  Jim Davidson and Darlene Vogel were very bad actors and it seems almost unfair to force them to share a scene like Dennis Christopher.  It’s like giving me a chance to play tennis on national television and then telling me, right when the cameras start rolling, that I’m going to be playing against the Williams sisters.  It’s just adding insult to injury.

Anyway, it turns out Willoughby is still alive and he’s targeting the businessman and he also kidnaps Lt. Palermo for some reason.  Chris and TC are able to save Palermo and the crooked guy from the inferno and Willoughby once again vanishes.  Because, of course, he does….

Meanwhile, Cory tries to catch a man who keeps bringing a snake to the boardwalk.  At one point, she accidentally gets doused in a wet t-shirt contest.  She’s win the trophy and then come back to the station without bothering to change shirts, which kind of goes against everything we’ve seen about Cory’s personality up until this point.  For some reason, Palermo also puts Cory in charge of catch a mouse that’s running around the station.  The snake, once captured, eats the mouse but then gets lost in the station.  That made me laugh just because I like it whenever its acknowledged that the bike patrol is totally incompetent.

Next week …. Chris has a new boyfriend!  Dr. Anton, maybe?  We’ll find out!

 

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Highway to Heaven 1.17 “As Difficult As ABC”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Highway to Heaven, which aired on NBC from 1984 to 1989.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi and several other services!

This week, Jonathan and Mark fight drug dealers and promote literacy!

Episode 1.17 “As Difficult As ABC”

(Dir by Victor French, originally aired on January 30th, 1985)

Brian Baldwin (Glenn-Michael Jones) appears to have a great future ahead of him.

Growing up in a poor neighborhood, Brian was tempted to get involved in the gang life, like so many of his friends did.  However, Brian turned out to be a great basketball player and was given a full scholarship to a major university.  As long as he played basketball and led the team to victory after victory, Brian wouldn’t even have to worry about going to class.  As he points out, he got an A in his French class even though he never stepped into the classroom.

However, one day, Brian has chest pains and passes out.  When Brian goes to the doctor, he is told that he has a heart condition but that it can be managed.  However, Brian will never be able to play basketball again.  His coach stops returning Brian’s calls and, when Brian confronts him in the gym, the coach explains that he only cares about winning and Brian can no longer help him do that.  The coach complains about wasting a scholarship on Brian.

Brian drops out of school and returns to his old neighborhood.  It’s there that he tells his mom (played by Beah Richards) the secret that he’s been hiding.  Brian is illiterate!   Because he was such a good basketball player, the school system never worried about teaching him anything.  Now, Brian has lost his scholarship and, it would appear, his future.

Fortunately, Jonathan and Mark roll into town.  Mark gets a job working as a janitor at an adult literacy school.  Jonathan gets a job working at the community center.  Jonathan encourages Brian to both learn how to read and to date his teacher, Julie Reynolds (Deborah Lacey).  (Fear not, they’re the same age.)  Brian also gets a job as a neighborhood basketball coach and tries to keep all of his players from getting hooked on drugs.

Luckily, Jonathan and Victor are able to help with the drug situation.  They go undercover and, in a rather weird scene that features Jonathan in a leather jacket and Terminator-style shades, they offer to pay the local drug dealer two million dollars in return for cocaine.  The dealer agrees to meet with them at the school, where he and his associates steal the briefcase with the money and make a run for it.  However, they are grabbed by the cops and suddenly, all of the money in the briefcase turns into cocaine!  Off the dealers go to prison.  With the dealers gone and Brian reading, it’s time for Jonathan and Mark to move on.

This was one of those well-intentioned episodes that attempted to do a bit too much.  Not only did the episode feature Brian learning that he could still be an important member of his community even if he couldn’t play basketball but it also featured him learning to read and trying to clean up the neighborhood.  Instead of focusing on one story, this episode focuses on three and, as a result, each story feels a bit rushed and simplistic.  Brian is reading in no time and the drug dealers turn out to be pretty easy to fool.  This episode is optimistic but rather unconvincing.

Film Review: All The King’s Men (dir by Steven Zaillian)


On September 10th, 1935, a Senator named Huey Long was shot and killed at the Louisiana State Capitol in Baton Rogue.

While it’s generally agreed that Carl Weiss, the son-in-law of a political opponent, approached Long, there’s still some debate as to whether or not Weiss was the one who shot Long. Did Weiss fire one shot at Long or was Long himself accidentally shot by his many bodyguards, all of whom opened fire on Weiss? (Weiss died at the scene, having been wounded at least 60 times.) There’s even some who argue that Weiss didn’t even have a gun on him when he approached Long and that Long’s bodyguards misinterpreted Weiss’s intentions. Or, as some more conspiracy-minded historians have suggested, perhaps Long’s bodyguards were themselves paid off by one of Long’s many enemies. With Huey Long, anything was possible.

Huey Long has been described as being an American dictator, a man who ran for office as a populist and who, as governor and then senator, ruled Louisiana with an iron fist. His slogan was “Every man a king,” and he promoted a platform that mixed Socialism with redneck resentment. (In modern terms, he mixed the vapid but crowd-pleasing rhetroic of AOC with the bombastic but calculated personal style of Donald Trump.) He often played the flamboyant buffoon but he also knew how to reward his friends and punish his enemies. At the time of his death, he was planning to run for President against FDR. It’s said that, in typical Long fashion, he planned to run as a third party candidate and draw away enough votes from Roosevelt to allow Republican Alf Landon to win. Then, in 1940, Long would run for the Democratic nomination and send President Landon back to Kansas.

Huey-Long-radio-3000-3x2gty-5c2934d246e0fb00012da4a1

Whether his plan was feasible or not, they came to an end with his death. However, his legacy continued as members of the Long family dominated Louisiana politics for decades to come. Huey’s brother, Earl, served as governor of Louisiana for several contentious terms. Huey’s son, Russell, spent nearly 40 years in the Senate and, as chairman of the Finance Committee, was one of the most powerful men in the country. As late at 2020, Huey’s third cousin was serving in the Louisiana Senate. In the past few years, both Donald Trump and Bernie Sanders have been compared to Huey Long. Of course, if Huey were alive today, he’d probably be very popular online. Political Twitter has never met an authoritarian that it couldn’t make excuses for.

Among those who were fascinated by the life and death of Huey Long was a Southern poet and novelist named Robert Penn Warren. Warren used Long as the basis for Willie Stark, the man at the center of the novel All The King’s Men. In the novel, Stark is a classic and tragic American archetype, the man of the people who loses his way after coming to power. Stark starts the book as an idealist who wants to make life better for the poor but who, as he works his way up the political ladder, loses sight of why he first entered politics in the first place. He goes from fighting for the people to fighting only for himself. The book was controversial but popular and won the 1947 Pulitzer Prize. In later interviews, Warren often said that All The King’s Men was never meant to be a book about politics but instead a book about two men, Willie Stark and reporter Jack Burden, losing their way during the tumult of the Great Depression.  Regardless of Warren’s intentions, most readers and critics have focused on the book as a cynical look at American politics and the authoritarian impulse.

All-the-Kings-Men-1949

Considering the book’s popularity, it’s not surprising that All The King’s Men was turned into a movie just three years after it was published.  Directed by Robert Rossen and starring a perfectly cast Broderick Crawford as Willie Stark, the film won the Oscar for Best Picture of 1949.  Just as with the book, the film was considered to be controversial.  Many claimed that the film’s cynical portrayal of American politics was the equivalent of supporting communism, despite the fact that both the novel and the original film present Stark as being the epitome of the hypocritical Marxist dictator.  Indeed, if any character would have inspired audiences in 1949 to distrust socialism, it would have been a faux populist like Willie Stark.  Still, John Wayne was so offended by the book and the script that he very publicly turned down the role of Willie Stark.  That was all the better for Broderick Crawford, who won an Oscar playing the role.  When seen today, the original All The King’s Men holds up surprisingly well, as does Crawford’s lead performance.  Filmed in harsh black-and-white and featuring a cast of cynical, tough-talking characters, it’s a political noir.

Those who found the 1949 version of All The King’s Men to be dangerously subversive obviously had no idea what was in store for them and the country over the next couple of decades.  There’s a reason why the best-known book about the downfall of Richard Nixon was called All The President’s Men.  By the start of the current century, with all of the political corruption that was happening in the real world, the flaws and crimes of Willie Stark seemed almost quaint by comparison.  In 2006, with George W. Bush serving his second term, America embroiled in two unpopular wars, and the economy looking shaky, it was decided that it was time for a new version of the story of Willie Stark.

This version was directed by Steven Zaillian, the screenwriter whose credits included Schindler’s List, Gangs of New York, Hannibal, and American Gangster.  The role of Willie Stark was played by Sean Penn, who was both an Academy Award winner and an outspoken critic of George Bush.  (And, make no mistake about it, the new version of Willie Stark would be as much based on Bush as he was on Huey Long.)  Jude Law played Jack Burden, the reporter who narrated the story of Stark’s rise and fall.  Kate Winslet, Anthony Hopkins, James Gandolfini, Patricia Clarkson, Mark Ruffalo, Jackie Earle Haley, and Kathy Baker all had supporting roles.  This was a cast full of Oscar nominees and, indeed, the film’s trailer had that portentous, “the movie is very important and award-worthy” feeling to it that studios go with whenever they’re trying to convince audiences that they have an obligation to see a film, regardless of how boring or annoying it may look.  Entertainment Weekly predicted that All The King’s Men would be an Academy Award contender. For nearly two months, one could not see a movie at the Dallas Angelika without also seeing thee trailer for All The King’s Men.  It was a movie that was due to arrive at any minute and it was coming with an awful lot of hype.

And then, the strangest thing happened.  The film itself kind of disappeared.  It arrived and then it promptly got lost.  The reviews were overwhelmingly negative.  Audiences did not turn out to see the film.  It was a box office bomb, one that pretty much ended Steven Zaillian’s career as a director.  The film played for a week in Dallas and then left the city’s movie screens.  Even if I had been planning on seeing the film when it was originally released, I wouldn’t have had the opportunity.  The Gods of cinema, politics, and Southern accents were conspiring to protect me from suffering through a bad movie and I guess I should be thankful.  There’s nothing that makes me cringe more than hearing a bad Southern accent in a movie and the trailer for All The King’s Men was full of them.

Way back in November of last year, I noticed that the 2006 version of All The King’s Men was available on Encore On Demand.  At the time, I had politics on my mind.  The Virginia and New Jersey gubernatorial elections had bee held earlier that week.  Biden’s huge infrastructure bill had passed the House on the very same night that I came across the film.  Hell, I figured, could watching Sean Penn as Willie Stark be any worse than watching Joe Biden try to give a speech from the Oval Office?  So, I decided to give the movie a chance and I quickly discovered that watching Sean Penn’s Willie Stark was a lot worse.

In All The King’s Men, Sean Penn gives the type of bad performance that can only be given by a good actor.  Penn yells and grimaces and barks out order like the villain in a badly dubbed Bollywood movie.  When he watches a dancer, he doesn’t just look at her.  Instead, he stares with all the intensity of a cartoon wolf who has just spotted Little Red Riding Hood.  There’s nothing subtle about Penn’s performance, least of all his overbaked accent.  The only thing wilder than Penn’s accent is his hair, which often seems to be standing up straight as if he’s just removed his fingers from an electrical socket.  It’s a performance that is heavy on technique but empty on substance.  In both the book and the original film, Willie Stark is flamboyant in public but cool and calculating in private.  In the remake, Penn yells and sweats and jumps around and comes across as being so desperate that it’s hard to buy into the idea that anyone would believe a word that he said.  Broderick Crawford’s Willie Stark was believable because Crawford, with his bulky build and his plain-spoken manner, came across as being a real human being.  One could imagine voters looking at Crawford and believing that he was just like them.  Sean Penn, on the other hand, comes across like a rich man’s version of a poor man.  Penn is too obviously condescending to be an effective populist.  Voters will forgive a lot but they’ll never forgive a politician who openly talks down to them.

As for the rest of the cast, they’re a very talented group but not one of them is convincingly cast.  In fact, many of them give career-worst performances.  Anthony Hopkins does his usual eccentric routine but it doesn’t add up too much because the audience never sees him as being anything other than Anthony Hopkins using a rather spotty Southern accent.  When Hopkins’s character dies, it’s not a tragedy because the character himself never feels real.  Instead, you’re juts happy that Hopkins collected a paycheck.  Kate Winslet seems to be bored with the role of Stark’s mistress.  Mark Ruffalo is dazed in the role of Winslet’s brother.  As Jack Burden, Jude Law seems as lost as anyone, which wouldn’t be problem if not for the fact that Jack is the one narrating the film.  When your narrator is lost, you’re in trouble.

There’s really only two members of the cast who escape the film unscathed.  Jackie Earle Haley is properly intimidating as Stark’s devoted bodyguard.  Haley doesn’t get many lines but one look at his disturbed eyes tells you all you need to know about how far he’ll go to protect his boss.  On the other hand, James Gandolfini gets several lines and he does such a good job of delivering them and he plays the role of a corrupt political boss with such a perfect combination of good humor and cold pragmatism that you have to wonder just how much All The King’s Men would have been improved if Gandolfini had played Willie Stark instead of Sean Penn.

Steve Zaillian’s direction involves a lot of soft-focused flashbacks and several visual references to the Nuremberg rallies.  Just as with Penn’s performance, there’s nothing subtle about Zaillian’s direction, despite the fact that the story itself is so melodramatic that it calls for the opposite of a heavy-handed approach.  One wonders what exactly Zaillian was trying to say with his version of All The King’s Men, which presents Willie Stark as being a monster but still as the audacity to end with a clip of him giving a rousing campaign speech.  Again, the problem is that we never buy into the idea that Willie Stark was ever sincere in his desire to help the common man.  Everything about both Penn’s performance and Zaillian’s direction serves to suggest that, from the start, Stark viewed them as just being a means to an end.  Ending the film with a flashback of Willie giving a campaign speech is about as moving as a friend from high school contacting you on Facebook and then trying to get you to take part in a pyramid scheme.  There’s no sincerity to be found in any of it.

In the end, it’s a film of overheated performances and meticulously shot scenes that all add up to very little.  There are a few moments where Sean Penn’s body language and his vocal inflections suggest that he’s trying to channel George W. Bush but there’s nothing particularly shocking or subversive about that.  In 2006, every movie and TV show had to find a way to take a swipe at Bush and Penn’s never been particularly reticent when it comes to broadcasting his politics.  Though All The King’s Men was executive produced by political consultant James Carville, there’s very few moment in the film that feel authentic.  It’s like a high school senior’s view of politics.

All The King’s Men came and went quickly.  Fortunately, everyone was able to move on.  Steven Zaillian has not directed another film but remains an in-demand scriptwriter.  Sean Penn, Anthony Hopkins, and Kate Winslet all won Oscars after appearing in this film (though, it should be noted, none of them won for this film).  Mark Ruffalo and Jude Law went on to join the Marvel Universe.  Jackie Earle Haley continues to be a much-respected character actor.  Tragically, James Gandolfini is no longer with us but his performance as Tony Soprano will never be forgotten.  The second version of All The King’s Men wasted a lot of talent but, fortunately, talent always finds a way to survive.

Cinemax Friday: Operation Cobra (1997, directed by Fred Olen Ray)


Interpol agent Kyle Connors (kickboxing legend Don “The Dragon” Wilson) is sent into a tailspin when his partner, Trevor (Rick Hill), is apparently killed during a failed operation.  Connors’s boss (played by the film’s director, Fred Olen Ray) orders Connors to go on leave so Connors promptly heads over to India.  Connors is planning on capturing Daveed (Evan Lurie), the drug dealer who Kyle blames for murdering Trevor.

While searching for Daveed with the help of an honest (and obviously doomed) cop named Ravi (R. Madhavan), Connors has several battles with a group of Indian ninjas who are intent on capturing a mysterious woman named Shallimar (Deepti Bhatnagar).  Connors also meets yet another mysterious woman, Callista (Tane McClure), who claims to be an intelligence agent and who tells him that Daveed’s boss is actually the enigmatic Victor Grayson (Michael Cavanaugh).  While Connors is tracking down Grayson, he finds out about yet another shadowy crime boss known as The Hydra and a computer disk that can apparently be used to hack into computer in the known world.

Can you guess who The Hydra actually is?

As any aficionado of late night Cinemax can tell you, Don “The Dragon” Wilson and Fred Olen Ray are a match made in heaven.  If you were growing up in the 90s, you knew Don “The Dragon” Wilson was cool because everyone who talked about him used both his given name and his nickname.  He was never just “Don Wilson” or “The Dragon.”  Instead, he was Don “The Dragon” Wilson.  Though Wilson never had much screen presence, he was a good on-screen fighter and the fact that he wasn’t a typically muscle-bound action hero made him more interesting than an ‘actor” like Steven Seagal.  Fred Olen Ray, meanwhile, was smart enough to get out of the way and let Wilson kickbox his way through the movie.  Though the story is nearly impossible to follow, a few good fight scenes more than make up for it.  Ray understands that is what most of his audience (maybe all of his audience) is going to be watching for.

Though the plot of Operation Cobra never makes any sense, most people will know what they’re going to get when they see who directed it and who is starring in it.  Even though the film wasn’t shot in the most photogenic areas of India (because that would have cost too much money), it still makes good use of its location footage and it’s hard not to be entertained by a film features Don “The Dragon” Wilson, Tane McClure, Rick Hill, and Evan Laurie.  That’s B-action movie nirvana.  I also liked that it was never entirely clear what the computer disk actually did but that it was extremely important than it not fall in the wrong hands.  It was the ultimate MacGuffin and because the film was made in 1997, it wasn’t necessary to go into details.  All that had to be said was that it had something to do with computers and that automatically made it a big deal.  That’s just the way things were in the 90s.