The Witness”

Posted on January 31, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, the third season of The Love Boat comes to a conclusion with an extra-long episode!

Episode 3.28 “No Girls for Doc/Marriage of Convenience/The Caller/The Witness”

(Dir by Gordon Farr and Richard Kinon, originally aired on May 3rd, 1980)

The finale of The Love Boat‘s third season features stage legend and two-time Oscar winner, Helen Hayes. Hayes was considered to be such a big “get” for the show that she receives the zoom lens treatment when she steps onto the ship and all of the action seems to stop for a few minutes, presumably so the audience at home can give her a standing ovation.

Personally, I think Helen Hayes was pretty cool. Along with being a hell of an actress (one whose career extended for over six decades), she was also the wife of Charles MacArthur, an acquaintance of the Algonquin round table, an outspoken Republican, a strong supporter of many charities, and a major benefactor of the Helen Hayes Hospital, a rehabilitation clinic in New York that has made major strides in treating physical disabilities. To say that there are people in the world who can walk because of Helen Hayes is not hyperbole.

That said, Helen Hayes’s story is the dullest one on this cruise. It’s not Hayes’s fault. She is her usual outspoken and likable self. It’s just the storyline itself doesn’t offer up much in the way of drama or comedy. Hayes plays Agatha Winslow, a widow who was married to a friend of Stubing’s. Stubing asks Julie to set Agatha up with someone but then they see Agatha hugging a younger man and Julie says that it won’t be necessary.

AGCK! I HOPE NOT! The younger man is played Helen Hayes’s son, James MacArthur!

No worries. MacArthur is playing Scott Burgess, who is Agatha’s nephew. Scott is a member of the protestant clergy who has never married because he feels that he has to take care of Agatha. Scott and Beatrice Dale (Mildred Natwick) hope that Agatha will fall in love with and marry Beatrice’s brother, a businessman named Hollister (Maurice Evans). Hollister owns a carpet company and he spends most of the episode look down at and commenting on the quality of the ship’s floor. Agatha does not marry Hollister but she does realize that it’s time for her to move on and live her own life. It’s all very pleasant but not very extremely interesting.

Far more interesting is the story of Gail Padgett (Christopher Norris), a woman who is boarding the ship because she needs to get away from her landline phone. As she explains to Julie, someone has been calling and harassing her for months. At no point does Julie suggest what I would suggest, which is that Gail should call the cops. Indeed, when Gail starts to get calls on the boat, Julie never suggests calling the police or going to the captain or anything else. Instead, Gail tells her stalker that she’ll meet him at the Pirate’s Cove Bar. She tells Julie that she has a plan to humiliate him. And again, you would think Julie might say, “How about we just arrest him when he comes in the bar?” But instead, Julie smiles. It’s the Love Boat! No one is murdered on The Love Boat! (Not yet, anyway.)

Gail’s stalker is a nerdy fellow named Melvin, who is played by a young Martin Short. Before Melvin can arrive, Gail is approached by Jack Stander (Larry Breeding). “Hi, I’m Robert Redford,” Jack says before admitting that he’s not Robert Redford and that he spent hours coming up with that opening line. Thinking that Jack is her stalker, Gail takes Jack to her cabin where she get him to undress and then tosses all of his clothes out the porthole. So now, Gail has not only flirted with and then stood up her stalker but she’s also committed theft. WAY TO GO, GAIL!

Anyway, Gail eventually realizes that Jack is not her stalker and they fall in love. Melvin is eventually revealed to be the caller but everyone laughs it off because he’s so nerdy. (Because we all know how harmless nerdy stalkers are….) This was a really weird story but, despite the stupidity of their characters, Christopher Norris and Larry Breeding made for a cute, likably vapid couple.

Maybe Gail should have gone to Wayne Dobson (Larry Wilcox) for help. Wayne is an uptight assistant D.A. who has spent the last two months in a hotel room with Pat Bigelow (Catherine Bach), a witness to a crime who is in protective custody. Even when Pat boards the cruise, Wayne has to come with her and stay in an adjoining cabin. Pat is annoyed but she understand that Wayne is just doing his job.

However, Wayne has fallen in love with Pat and he is upset to receive a telegram saying that the crooks have decided to plead guilty and that Pat can be released from protective custody. Isaac, who was perhaps a bit too excited when he earlier thought Wayne was a male gigolo who was being paid to escort Pat, suggests that Wayne just lie and not let Pat know that her life is no longer in danger. Wayne agrees and Isaac takes Wayne off to give him a makeover that will be so impressive that Pat will fall in love with him and reject notorious Love Boat lothario Mark Bridges (John McCook).

(Of course, any relationship that Wayne and Pat could ever have would be built on lies but whatever….)

Pat does fall for Wayne, though less because of the makeover and more because Wayne finally stops being so uptight. She’s a bit miffed when she finds out that Wayne has been lying to her but she forgives him easily because this is The Love Boat.

Finally, after a night of skinny dipping leads to him losing his clothes and money, Doc announces that he’s through with women. (And again, it doesn’t seem to occur to anyone that maybe Doc should call the police.) That should be a relief to the crew because Doc really is a lawsuit waiting to happen. Instead, they takes bets on how long it will take Doc to go back on his word. It doesn’t take long. Any story that centered around Doc being a Casanova just felt silly. Bernie Kopell was likable as Doc but he was also a bit too naturally mild-mannered to be believable as a legendary lothario.

And so ends the third season of The Love Boat. Vicki is now firmly a member of the crew. Julie has given up on finding love. Isaac and Gopher are as silly as ever. And Doc is going to get the cruise line sued. The 90-minute finale was a bit overextended and had some weak story elements but, overall, the third season was a lot of fun.

Next week …. SEASON 4!

Three Fugitives (1989, directed by Francis Veber)

Posted on July 5, 2020 by Jedadiah Leland

Daniel Lucas (Nick Nolte) is having a bad day. He’s just gotten out on parole after spending 5 years in prison for armed robbery. No sooner has Lucas left the prison than he’s met by Detective Dugan (James Earl) and his partner, Inspector Tenner (Alan Ruck). Dugan says that he knows that Lucas is going to return to his life of crime and that, when he does, Dugan will be there to arrest him.

Determined to go straight, Lucas heads to the nearest bank. Maybe he thinks that going to a bank and not robbing it will convince everyone that he’s no longer a criminal. Unfortunately, the bank does end up getting robbed, not by Lucas but by Ned Perry (Martin Short). Ned’s not much of a bank robber. In fact, he’s never committed a crime in his life. But he desperately needs the money so he can afford a special school for his young daughter, Meg (Sarah Doroff), who hasn’t spoken since her mother died. When the bank robbery doesn’t go as planned and Lucas ends up accidentally getting shot, Lucas and Ned end up going on the run together with Dugan and Tenner in pursuit.

When I was a kid, Three Fugitives was a movie that seemed like it was on television nearly every day. Of course, it was popular on HBO but it also used to regularly show up on the local stations, with all of Nick Nolte’s profanity awkwardly edited out. Looking back, I can see why Three Fugitives was so popular with television programmers who needed something fill a two-hour time slot. It’s got enough broad slapstick and just enough violence to keep the kids happy while also being so sentimental and inoffensive that parents wouldn’t complain about what their children were watching.

That Three Fugitives was such a ubiquitous presence on television is really the only memorable thing about it. On paper, the idea of pairing Nick Nolte with Martin Short sounds like it should generate a lot of laughs and they are funny in the initial bank hold-up but after that, neither seems to be acting in the same movie. Nolte is too serious for the comedic scenes and Short is too cartoonish for the serious scenes and their partnership is never credible. Nick Nolte was the king of the mismatched buddy comedy in the 80s but Three Fugitives is no 48 Hours.

Cleaning Out The DVR: Get Over It (dir by Tommy O’Haver)

Posted on October 30, 2019 by Lisa Marie Bowman

“I wouldn’t play with that, Kelly,” Berke Landers (Ben Foster) says as Kelly Woods (Kirsten Dunst) playfully aims a crossbow at him.

Kelly laughs and tells him that it’s just a prop.

Berke suggests again that she should probably stop aiming it at him.

Kelly laughs and proceeds to fire an arrow straight into Berke’s arm.

The next scene, of course, is Berke in the back of an ambulance, groaning in terrible pain while Kelly apologizes and a paramedic repeatedly warns Berke not to look at his arm. In most movies, that would seem like a pretty dramatic plot development and, at the very least, you would expect that Berke would try to avoid Kelly and perhaps have his arm in a sling for the rest of the film. In the 2001 film, Get Over it, Berke recovers rather quickly, he and Kelly fall in love, and the film ends with Kelly making a joke about how she thought the crossbow was a prop.

That’s just the type of film that Get Over It is. This is a film from the age when all teen comedies were very loosely based on Shakespeare and they usually had a three word name like She’s All That or Drive Me Crazy or …. well, Get Over It. Ben Foster has the type of role that would usually go to Freddie Prinze, Jr. Sisqo has the Usher rule of the supercool sidekick who raps over the end credits. Shane West speaks with a British accent and steps into the Matthew Lillard role of the obnoxious teen celebrity. Melissa Sagemiller is the girl who the main guy thinks he’s in love with while Martin Short plays the eccentric and overdramatic theater teacher. And finally, Kirsten Dunst gets to play another version of her Bring It On role as the quirky and perky girl who wants to do the right thing. Meanwhile, Zoe Saldana, Mila Kunis, Colin Hanks, Swoosie Kurtz, and Ed Begley, Jr. all have small parts. It’s a good cast, if nothing else.

Get Over It centers around a high school production of a musical version of A Midsummer’s Night Dream. Basketball star Berke auditions for the play because he thinks that it will convince his ex-girlfriend, Alison (Sagemiller) to take him back. Instead, Alison ends up falling for the duplicitous Striker Scrumfeld (West), who has the exact type of personality that you would expect someone named Striker Scrumfeld to have. Meanwhile, Berke is falling in love with Kelly, who is the sister of his friend, Felix (Colin Hanks).

It’s all very predictable but, at the same time, the cast is absolutely charming and there’s enough quirky humor to make it memorable. I’ve watched Get Over It several times and, every time that I rewatch it, I’m always a little bit surprised to rediscover just how funny it actually is. For instance, as Berke leaves Alison’s house after being dumped by her, Vitamin C and a marching band suddenly appear behind him and start to perform Love Will Keep Us Together until Berke finally loses it and starts screaming. The musical production of A Midsummer’s Night Dream is the perfect parody of every pretentious high school play ever produced and Martin Short cheerfully throws himself into being the director for Hell. Ben Foster is a bit too intense to be a romantic or, for that matter, comedic leading man but the rest of the cast is enjoyably laid back and fully embrace their quirky roles.

Get Over It may not be a classic but it is a fun 90 minutes.

Film Review: Inherent Vice (dir by Paul Thomas Anderson)

Posted on January 10, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

One of the best things about Paul Thomas Anderson’s latest film, Inherent Vice, is that Doc Sportello, the private detective played by Joaquin Phoenix, is a real stoner. He’s not one of those weekend smokers, who gets high on Saturday, brags about it on Sunday, and then spends the rest of the week interning at Vox. For the entire 2 hour and 20 minute running time of Inherent Vice, Doc is stoned. From the minute we first meet him to the end of the film, there is never one moment where Doc is not stoned. Most stoner comedies feature a scene where the main character shocks everyone by turning down a hit because he’s dealing with something so important that he has to “keep his mind straight.”

Not so with Doc!

And, in Doc’s case, it definitely helps him out. Inherent Vice tells a story that is so full of paranoia, conspiracy, and random connections that only a true stoner could follow it. Much like Doc, the film often seems to be moving in a haze but occasionally, out of nowhere, it will come up with a scene or a line of dialogue or a detail that is so sharp and precise that it will force you to reconsider everything that you had previously assumed.

To be honest, if you are one of the people who watched Inherent Vice this weekend and could actually follow the film’s plot, then you’ve got a leg up on me. (That said, I’ve still got pretty good legs so it all evens out.) But, that’s not necessarily a complaint. As befits a film based on a novel by Thomas Pynchon and directed by one of the most idiosyncratic filmmakers around, the twists and turns of Inherent Vice are deliberately meant to be obscure and confusing. Characters appear and then vanish. Clues are discovered and then forgotten. Connections are hinted at but then never confirmed. Inherent Vice ultimately serves a tribute to stoner’s paranoia and, as a result, the plot’s incoherence leads to a certain contact high.

The film takes place in California in the 1970s. Doc is both a hippie and a private detective. His current girlfriend (Reese Witherspoon) works for the district attorney’s office and doesn’t seem to like him much. His ex-girlfriend, Shasta (Katherine Waterston), reenters his life and asks him to help protect her new boyfriend, real estate developer Mickey Wolfman (Eric Roberts). Mickey has disappeared. Shasta disappears. As Doc investigates, he wanders through a psychedelic Los Angeles and deals with an ever growing collection of eccentrics.

For instance, there’s Hope Harlingen (Jena Malone), a former heroin addict who now runs a group that aims to promote “responsible drug use” among children. She believes that her husband, Coy (Owen Wilson), is dead but actually Coy is a government informant who keeps popping up in the strangest places.

There’s Rudy Blatnoyd (Martin Short), a decadent dentist who may or may not be responsible for all of the heroin entering California.

There’s Sauncho Smilax (Benicio Del Toro), Doc’s lawyer who specializes in maritime law.

There are Nazi bikers, new age doctors, a formerly blacklisted actor turned right-wing spokesman, a black revolutionary whose best friend was a member of the Aryan brotherhood, three FBI agents who keep picking their noses, the decadent rich, and, of course, the endlessly clean-cut and bullying officers of the LAPD.

And then there’s Detective “Big Foot” Bjornsen (Josh Brolin), a celebrity cop and occasional television extra who seems to admire Doc, except for when he’s trying to frame Doc for everything from murder to drug smuggling. Bjornsen is probably the most interesting character in the entire film and Brolin plays the character perfectly. His scenes with Phoenix crackle with a comedic energy that bring the film to life.

As for the movie itself, it’s not for everyone. A lot of very smart people are going to dislike it, much as many of them did with The Master. In some ways, Inherent Vice truly is an endurance test. Speaking as someone who enjoyed the film, even I occasionally found myself saying, “Okay, does everyone have to have a silly name?” Inherent Vice is a long, rambling, and occasionally frustrating film but, for me, it still worked because of the strong cast and Anderson’s attention to detail.

Unbroken is a film that seems to take place in an entirely different world from Inherent Vice but these two films do have one big thing in common. Both of them have been victims of the expectation game. Many of the same people who thought Unbroken would be a surefire Oscar nominee also assumed, sight unseen, that Inherent Vice would be right there with it. Much as how Unbroken has suffered for merely being good as opposed to great, Inherent Vice is also suffering for failing to live up to the expectations that were thrust upon it. Inherent Vice is not an awards movie. Instead, it’s a fascinatingly idiosyncratic film that was made by a director who has never shown much concern with playing up to the audience. While Unbroken is enough of a crowd pleaser to still have a shot at some Oscar glory, Inherent Vice is the type of film that will probably never get nominated. (I do have some hope that Brolin will get a supporting actor nomination but, even there, it appears likely that Brolin’s spot will be given to The Judge‘s Robert Duvall.)

Well, no matter! Flaws and all, Inherent Vice will be a film that people will still be debating and watching years from now.

Trailer: Inherent Vice (Official)

Posted on September 29, 2014 by Arleigh

The arrival of a new Paul Thomas Anderson film seems to always be a time for excitement. P.T. Anderson’ films can never be called boring. They’re all entertaining on some level for even those who don’t quite get Anderson’s quirky-style of storytelling.

I’ve admired all of Anderson’s films. Have I liked all of them? Not really, but I can understand why many anticipate each and every new film he releases like it was the second coming.

I have no idea what’s going in just going by the trailer, but it does have a noir vibe going for it. Plus, it has Joaquin Phoenix and Josh Brolin.

Inherent Vice is set to premiere on October 4, 2014 during the New York Film Festival before going wide release on December 12, 2014.