Here at the Shattered Lens, we have a Christmas tradition, one that was started way back in 2009 by site founder Arleigh Sandoc. And that tradition is …. TREEVENGE!
Celebrate Christmas with the greatest haunted Christmas tree movie ever!
Enjoy and …. wait, what? Uh-oh! The video is age-restricted so you’ll have to click on the watch on YouTube link!
Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Sunday, I will be reviewing the Canadian series, Degrassi Junior High, which aired on CBC and PBS from 1987 to 1989! The series can be streamed on YouTube!
This week, Degrassi goes there!
Episode 2.2 “A Helping Hand”
(Dir by Kit Hood, originally aired on January 14th, 1988)
There’s a lot of drama to be found in this week’s episode of Degrassi Junior High. In fact, this is actually the first episode that I’ve seen that juggled three on-going B-plots along with the A-plot. Watching this episode felt very much like being dropped into a real middle school where everyone has some sort of drama playing out in their lives.
For instance, Shane tells Spike that he told his parents about Spike being pregnant. For a moment, Spike is proud of Shane for finally doing the right thing. Then, she finds out that Shane’s parents want to meet with Spike and her mother, which is something that neither Spike nor Shane are looking forward to dealing with. Shane also mentions that his father is a preacher. Even though the meeting doesn’t actually happen during this episode, I can already guess what’s probably going to happen when it does. It’s never a good sign when someone on Degrassi is a preacher’s kid.
Meanwhile, Stephanie is upset that Alexis is still wearing Stephanie’s old clothes and that she’s still dating Simon as result. At first, Alexis refuses to return Stephanie’s clothes but, after Alexis’s mom comes across them, Alexis is ordered to return them. An excited Stephanie changes back into her trampy clothes and smiles at Simon in the hallway and Simon totally ignores her. Ouch!
As for Stephanie’s former crush, Wheels is struggling in school and running the risk of being held back a grade. His parents have even declared that Wheels can no longer be the Zit Remedy’s bass player until his “marks” improve. With the support of Ms. Avery, Wheels gets his eyes checked and he gets a pair of glasses! (Those of you who know your Degrassi history know what an important moment this is. Those glasses — and eventually a mullet — would become Wheels’s trademark.) Wheels can now see but Joey and Snake aren’t sure if there’s ever been a rock star with glasses.
“What about John Lennon?” Wheels asks.
“Who?” Joey replies.
“Some 60s guy,” Snake explains.
(Did Canada ban the Beatles?)
With Wheels temporarily sidelined by his bad grades, Joey and Snake look for a substitute bassist and just happen to hear Simon playing a bass guitar. Simon may not have Wheels’s tragic past (and future) but he does have perfect eyesight.
Finally, in this episode’s main plot, Mr. Raditch is in the hospital so his homeroom gets a substitute teacher. Mr. Colby (Marcus Bruce) is dorky but likable, a youngish teacher who wears goofy sweaters and who encourages his students to think for themselves and who is extremely touchy-feely when it comes to Lucy. Lucy, who is still on probation for shop lifting and who is lonely since her best friend Voula moved away, at first appreciates Mr. Colby’s attention. She gets upset when L.D. (Amanda Cook) says that Mr. Colby is creepy.
“You’re just jealous!” Lucy snaps, despite the fact that L.D. is her new clothes-borrowing best friend.
“At least I’m not a shoplifter!” L.D. yells back.
(Ouch! Then again, maybe if L.D. was a shoplifter, she’d actually have some decent clothes of her own to wear.)
Eventually, Mr. Colby asks Lucy to stay after class. When he puts his hand on her back and whispers that she’s a very special student, Lucy realizes that L.D. was right! Fortunately, Wheels is standing on the other side of the door and, with his new super-vision, he sees what Mr. Colby is up to. Wheels steps into the classroom and says that he needs to get a book. Lucy takes advantage of the distraction to make her escape.
The next day, Mr. Colby passes Lucy in the hallway and tells her not to say anything about what happened before adding that, of course, nothing did happen. Lucy just misinterpreted his attempts to be friendly. What a creep! Wheels approaches Lucy and offers to testify on her behalf. Lucy smiles as the jarringly cheerful theme music starts up and the end credits roll.
That’s a nice ending for a well-done episode but again, it’s hard not to think about what’s going to happen in the future with all of these characters. Lucy and Wheels may be smiling now but, if you know the history of this show, you also know what’s going to happen after they graduate high school. Wheels is going drive drunk and, with Lucy in the car with him, end up crashing his car, killing a kid, and temporarily blinding and crippling Lucy. The future for Wheels is jail and the future for Lucy is years of painful physical rehab. Seriously, Degrassi Junior High is one dark show!
As for this episode, every woman has had to deal with a Mr. Colby at some point in their lives and I will admit to cringing whenever he placed his hands on Lucy’s shoulders while talking to her. I could relate to what Lucy was feeling all too well. Mr. Colby’s final declaration that he didn’t do anything wrong and that it was Lucy’s fault for misunderstanding him sounded all too familiar. Fortunately, Lucy had people in her life who were looking out for her and who had her back, like L.D. and Wheels. (As usual, Lucy’s parents were present only as voices on an answering machine.) Both Wheels and Mr. Colby said they wanted to help Lucy but Wheels was the only one who meant it.
Next week, Joey gets a new girlfriend and Arthur calls a sex therapist. That’s right …. it’s time for Dr. Sally!
Watching the 1964 holiday sci-fi epic, Santa Claus Conquers The Martians, is a Christmas Eve tradition here at the Shattered Lens! So, sit back, turn on Kid TV, and get ready to sing!
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Sundays, I will be reviewing the made-for-television movies that used to be a primetime mainstay. Today’s film is 1984’s The Night They Saved Christmas! It can be viewed on Tubi and YouTube.
The Night They Saved Christmas argues that there are two types of people in the world.
There are people who still believe in Santa Claus and all that he represents and then there are the people who gave up their belief a long time ago. Those who believe in Santa Claus are still full of the Christmas spirit and, under the right circumstances, they might even get to meet the elves and the jolly old man himself. Those who do not believe are destined to waste their holiday on focusing on material things that aren’t really important.
Petroleum engineer Michael Baldwin (Paul Le Mat) doesn’t believe in Santa Claus and that’s why he had no trouble moving his entire family to the North Pole so that they could freeze while he headed up an oil exploration project. Michael and his boss, billionaire Sumner Murdock (Mason Adams), are determined to find oil and they’ve got an endless supply of dynamite with which to search for it.
Michael’s wife, Claudia (Jaclyn Smith), still believes in the spirit of Santa and she encourages their children to believe as well. For that reason, Ed the Elf (played by singer Paul Williams), is willing to take Claudia and the kids to North Pole City. They get to meet Santa (Art Carney) and they even learn how Santa uses satellite technology to deliver presents all over the world. The city is really quite impressive, with the movie making good use of matte paintings and miniatures to create the impression of a magical metropolis. And Santa turns out to be a pretty nice guy, even if he does tell the elves that he’s sick of them singing Jingle Bells.
Unfortunately, North Pole City is in danger! Every day, the oil company’s dynamite causes a mini-earthquake. With the dynamiting getting closer and closer to North Pole City, Santa and the elves worry that they might be on the verge of getting blown up! Can Claudia and the kids convince Michael to stop blowing up huge chunks of the North Pole before Christmas is ruined!?
Well, listen — I don’t think it’s a spoiler for me to tell you that Christmas is not ruined. It would be pretty cynical for the movie to end with Michael blowing up Santa Claus and cynical is one thing that TheNightTheySavedChristmas is not. This is a very earnest film, full of cheery elves, a paternal Santa, and lots of Christmas music. Even greedy old Mr. Murdock turns out to be not that bad of a guy. In the end, this film says that Santa and the spirit of Christmas is for everyone and that’s certainly not a bad message. It’s a likeable movie for the holiday season and Art Carney is a perfect Santa Claus, even if he does appear to be a little underweight for the role. As played by Carney, Santa is welcoming, good-humored, and still enthusiastic about his job, even after centuries of doing it. He’s exactly the way you would want Santa to be. This is a film that earns the right to wish everyone a merry Christmas!
4 Shots From 4 Films is just what it says it is, 4 shots from 4 of our favorite films. As opposed to the reviews and recaps that we usually post, 4 Shots From 4 Films lets the visuals do the talking.
December 24th is not just Christmas Eve! It’s also the anniversary of the birth of Michael Curtiz! Michael Curtiz was born in Budapest in 1886 and, after getting his start making silent films in Hungary, he eventually came to the United States and became one of the most important directors of Hollywood’s Golden Age! Curtiz mastered every genre and worked with every star and the end result was some of the greatest films ever made.
Today, we honor the legacy of Michael Curtiz with….
4 Shots From 4 Michael Curtiz Films
The Walking Dead (1936, dir by Michael Curtiz, DP: Hal Mohr)
The Adventures of Robin Hood (1938, dir by Michael Curtiz, DP: W. Howard Greene)
Casablanca (1942, dir by Michael Curtiz, DP: Arthur Edeson)
Mildred Pierce (1945, dir by Michael Curtiz, DP: Ernest Haller)
Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewingthe Canadian sitcom, Check it Out, which ran in syndication from 1985 to 1988. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!
We’ve got a weird one tonight!
Episode 1.12 “Skip to the Loo”
(Dir by Alan Erlich, originally aired on December 18th, 1985)
This episode opens with Howard feeling a bit concerned. As he explains to Edna, an old army buddy visited him the previous night. Mad Mike Mulroney climbed through Howard’s window with three dead Dobermans around his neck. Having just escaped from prison, Mad Mike asked Howard to do him a favor and give his son, Brandon, a job. Howard felt that he had to agree because Mad Mike saved Howard’s life while they were serving in Korea. Why, Howard cries, why did I let him do that!?
Brandon (Jeremy Ratchford) shows up and turns out to be as fearsome as his father. Howard suggests that Brandon fill in for bagboy Murray, who is on vacation. Brandon replies that he was hoping he could be a bouncer. Brandon then proceeds to literally toss a lot of people out of the store. Realizing that Brandon should not be on the sales floor, Howard suggests that Brandon spend the day in the meat locker where he can beat up the meat, Rocky Balboa-style.
Meanwhile, nerdy Herman Fastback (Howard Busgang) is trying to set the world record for skipping rope in the store. Unfortunately, the world record is 12 hours and Herman keeps getting distracted and having to start over. As well, Brandon keeps coming out the meat locker and taunting him.
When it’s time for the store to close, Christian agrees to spend the night in the store so that Herman can continue to set his record. The next morning, Christian wakes up in a shopping cart and discovers that all of the cash registers have been emptied and the employee locker room has been ransacked. Herman has disappeared and Brandon is dead in the meat locker! When Howard and Alf come to work, they surmise that Herman robbed the store and then killed Brandon.
No one is that upset about Brandon being dead. In fact, Howard doesn’t call the police and just leaves the body in the meat locker. But then Mad Dog (George Buza) shows up in full military gear and announces that he is just a few hours from heading to South America, where he plans to overthrow another country’s government. He tells Howard that he’s a mercenary and “I kill people for a living.” Mad Dog asks how Brandon is doing. It takes a while but eventually, Howard admits that Brandon is dead.
Mad Dog is not extremely upset about his son dying but he does request that Howard give him a funeral in the store. Realizing that Mad Dog will probably kill him otherwise, Howard agrees. He closes down the store and then Brandon’s frozen body is wheeled into the break room. Howard conducts a respectful funeral. Mad Dog is touched.
This episode was so strange that it was only during the end credits that I realized that Herman apparently got away with not only robbing the place but also killing Brandon. In fact, I don’t think Howard or anyone else at the store bothered to call the police about any of this. Instead, they just left Brandon in the meat locker. I’ve never worked in a grocery store so I have to admit that I’m not the expert on these things but I think leaving a corpse inside a storage area would have to be a health code violation of some sort.
It’s difficult to dislike anything that’s this cheerfully weird. This episode full embraced its own absurdity and, for that reason, it worked quite well. We’re about halfway through the first season of Check It Out! and the best episodes are definitely the weird ones.
Next week …. well, I don’t know what’s happening next week. Hopefully, they will have gotten Brandon’s body out of the store.
This cute animated Christmas special from 1973 followed the adventures of a bear who decided not to hibernate for the winter because he wanted to experience Christmas firsthand. All of the other bears thought he was crazy. I was proud of him for following his dreams.
A Charlie Brown Christmas (Apple TV+)
I watched this on Friday evening. It’s one of my favorite Christmas traditions, from poor Charlie Brown’s attempts to direct the play to Snoopy’s impersonations. A few years ago, my sister wrote about this special.
Check It Out! (Tubi)
This week’s episode was a strange one. My review will drop in another 30 minutes or so.
I’m happy to say that Fantasy Island has been re-uploaded to YouTube so now I basically have to binge as many episodes as possible before they get yanked down again. Otherwise, I’ll have to use that terrible Daily Motion site to watch the show. Anyway, I wrote about this week’s episode here.
I recorded this classic Christmas special when CBS aired it on Saturday and then I watched it on Sunday. It always upsets me when Frosty melts. I think that’s because I live in Texas, where it hardly ever snows. So, when a snowman melts down here, it’s totally possible that he will never be able to return.
Frosty Returns (DVR)
Frosty’s back and he sounds a lot like John Goodman! I recorded this the same night that I recorded Frosty the Snowman. Frosty Returns is not quite as charming as the first special, as the environmental message is so heavy-handed that it almost feels like a parody. Still, I like snow and I like snowmen. Come back, Frosty!
Highway to Heaven (Tubi)
By wonderful coincidence, this week’s episode of Highway to Heaven was a Christmas episode! I reviewed it here.
This three-part true crime series took a look at the still unsolved murder of a famous and influential British journalist and television host. It was an intriguing series, full of twists and turns and questions to which we may never get an answer.
Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer (DVR)
This special is undoubtedly a classic but it always bothers me to see what a jerk Santa is.
Seinfeld (Netflix)
Earlier today, I watched the Festivus episode and the episode where Kramer becomes a department store Santa Claus and is accused of being a communist. “Hey, this guy’s a commie! He’s spreading propaganda!”