On Saturday night, I watched the latest Lifetime film, Sugar Daddies!
Why Was I Watching It?
Because it was on Lifetime and it didn’t have a thing to do with football.
What Was It About?
College is expensive and law school even more so. Can you blame Kara (Taylor Gildersleeve) for agreeing to become the mistress of the wealthy and considerably older Grant (Peter Strauss)? Grant pays Kara $5,000 dollars a month, gives her a new car, and flies her around in a private jet. All Kara has to do is be available whenever he demands her presence.
Except, of course, this is a Lifetime movie and nothing is ever that simple…
What Worked?
To be honest, Sugar Daddies is just a fun film. Yes, it is dealing with a serious subject and, ultimately, it does come down on the side of being poor but honest. But, before that, you get to look at all the nice clothes and all the well-decorated mansions and you get to enjoy all of the decadence that comes from being a rich man’s mistress. Sugar Daddies may be a cautionary tale but it definitely knows how to enjoy itself.
This movie was directed by Doug Campbell, who has previously directed such Lifetime classics as Death Clique, The Cheating Pact, and Betrayed at 17.As a director, Doug Campbell obviously knows how to make the perfect Lifetime film and how to strike just the right balance of melodrama and social commentary. He knows exactly how far he can push things without going over-the-top and that skill is on full display in Sugar Daddies.
Plus, the film is really well cast. Taylor Gildersleeve is a sympathetic and relatable as Kara. Peter Strauss seems to be having a lot of fun playing his sleazy role. Timothy Brennan is perfectly intimidating in the role of Peter, Grant’s bodyguard who is willing to do anything to protect his boss. Ashley McCarthy and Samantha Robinson are also well-cast as Kara’s friends.
What Did Not Work?
Are you kidding? This was Lifetime at its finest! It all worked.
“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments
I know this where you’re probably expecting me to talk about how I used to have an old, rich boyfriend who helped to pay my way through college but instead, I’d rather point out that Kara and I both own the exact same white dress with black trim! I was beyond excited when I saw that and plus, it really made me root for Kara because she was someone who I could go shopping with.
Lessons Learned
Private jets are the bomb and we could all use an extra $5,000 dollars a month but sometimes, it’s better to just stick with that demeaning waitressing job.
And, if you do get an old, rich boyfriend, don’t let him talk you into playing the choking game.
So, I’m sitting here and I’m trying to make out my annual list of good things that I saw on TV over the previous year and I’ve just realized something.
I did not watch as much TV as usual last year.
It wasn’t a conscious decision on my part. Up until this very moment, I was actually thinking that I watched too much TV last year. But, honestly, 2014 was a busy year for me. Between work and dance and family and romance and writing and seeing movies and shopping and being sick and getting well and the manic states and the depressive states, I just didn’t have as much time as usual to devote to television.
In fact, the only shows that I always made it a point to watch were two reality shows and that was mostly because I write about them over at the Big Brother Blog and the Survivor Blog.
That takes me by surprise because I love television. I’ve never made any secret of that fact and I’ve never felt guilty about it. When I’m writing, I find it helps to have the TV on in the background. As well, knowing that a certain show is always going to be on at a certain time tends to help me deal with my Obsessive Compulsive tendencies. I’ve always felt that, in a perfect world, I would have my own TV network. It would be called the Lisa Marie Network (LMN) and I would be in charge of programming every single minute.
But, for whatever reason, in 2014, I didn’t watch as much as usual. So, don’t consider the list below to be a comprehensive list of everything that was good on television last year. Instead, consider it to just be 20 good things that I was lucky enough to see.
So, here’s the list!
1) Too Many Cooks on Adult Swim
You knew that I’d have to start out with this one, especially considering that I still find myself randomly singing the theme song. “When it comes to the future, you can never have too many cooks!”
2) Figure Skating at the 2014 Sochi Winter Olympics
I actually enjoyed watching most of the 2014 Winter Olympics. (Except, of course, when Bob Costas was there with his fucked up eye.) But what I especially loved was watching the figure skating. How couldn’t you love the chemistry between Charlie White and Meryl Davis or the amazing grace of Yulia Lipnitskaya or Ashley Wagner’s refusal to hide her disgust with the judges?
3) Veep
Without a doubt, the funniest show on television. Anyone who idolizes a politician should be forced to watch it.
4) Community ended its network run on a decent note
After a rough fourth season, Community made a comeback of sort during the fifth season. Unfortunately, it wasn’t enough to keep NBC from canceling the show but still, it was good to see a few more decent episodes of Community before the show moved over to Yahoo.
5) True Detective
True Detective has been praised so much that I really don’t have much more to say about it, beyond the fact that I found it to be endlessly fascinating.
6) Sharknado 2!
So, I wasn’t necessarily a huge fan of the first Sharknado. (I was even less of a fan of the way the media seemed to believe that Mia Farrow was the first person to ever live tweet a movie, especially considering how lame most of Mia’s Sharknado tweets were.) But I loved Sharknado 2! Sharknado 2 was everything that the first Sharknado was supposed to be and more!
7) The Old People TV Networks
This is the year that I really made an effort to explore all of the channels that I have available to me. What I discovered is that there are a lot of stations that are apparently dedicated to exclusively showing shows that were made long before I was even born! For a history nerd like me, coming across these networks is a bit like accidentally digging up a time capsule. Add to that, I’ve discovered that old TV shows make for perfect background noise. I call these networks the Old People TV networks but I do so with affection.
8) Seeing my friend and fellow movie blogging Irish gal Kellee Pratt in the audience whenever TCM rebroadcasts that interview with Maureen O’Hara.
9) Opposite Worlds on SyFy
Opposite Worlds was a reality show that was broadcast on the SyFy Network. Contestants were divided into two tribes. One tribe lived in the luxurious future, complete with a fully automated house. The other tribe lived in the past, which basically meant wearing furs and staying in a cave. The two tribes competed every week. Many contestants were seriously injured. I was hoping that Samm would win, mostly because I share her struggle. But I was okay with Frank eventually winning. He turned out to be a nice guy.
(By the way, SyFy, I’m still waiting for a second season…)
10) Bates Motel
Bates Motel got better and better during its second season. I still think Olivia Cooke needs a spin-off where she solves crimes.
11) True Blood ended before it totally went the way of Dexter.
To be honest, True Blood was definitely showing signs of its age. I wasn’t really happy with the final season but I was relieved to see that it still ended on a better note than Dexter did.
12) Flowers in the Attic
2014 got off to a great start with Flowers in the Attic, one of the best movies to ever show up on Lifetime.
13) Lizzie Borden Took An Axe
In fact, the only that kept Flowers in the Attic from being the best Lifetime movie was the fact that Lizzie Borden premiered a week later.
14) The Way The Saved By The Bell and Aaliyah Movies Brought Us Together As A Nation
For two nights, our often troubled country was united by the power of mass snarkiness.
15) Coverage Of The Fact That Paul Rosalie Was Not Eaten Alive
There was something greatly satisfying about how, after spending weeks promising that he would be, Paul Rosalie failed to be eaten alive by an anaconda. I think one reason I especially enjoyed this fact that I didn’t actually watch the special. I thought the whole thing sounded stupid and crass. That made the subsequent ridicule all the more satisfying.
16) Key and Peele
Without a doubt, the funniest sketch comedy program on TV today.
17) Talking Dead
To be honest, the only reason I watch The Walking Dead is so I’ll be able to understand what they’re talking about on The Talking Dead.
18) Daft Punk At The Grammys
It was great to see the Robots enjoying themselves.
19) Weather On The Local News
“Folks, we’ve got a storm system approaching but don’t worry. Channel 4 will keep your 4warned…” Some things never change. I’ve reached the point where I can find the humor in watching our local meteorologists panic every time that it starts to rain. This past year, whenever I was stuck inside while a light drizzle fell outside, I knew that Pete Delkus, Larry Mowery, and David Finfrock would be there to amuse me with their dire warnings of a weather apocalypse.
“A storm’s coming!”
20) Degrassi!
Degrassi endures. And we’re all the better for it.
On one final note: GetGlue, R.I.P. For five years, I enjoyed checking into tvs, movies, books, and emotions on GetGlue. Sadly, GetGlue (or TV Tag as it came to be known) went offline on January 1st. Goodbye, GetGlue. It was fun while it lasted and I’ll always remember that week when me and that guy from Indonesia were violently fighting over who would get to be the guru of pepper spray. (GGers will understand.)
Tomorrow, my look back at 2014 continues with my ten favorite novels of the year!
Last night, I watched the first Lifetime movie of 2015 — Damaged!
Chris Klein in Damaged
Why Was I Watching It?
You guys know me and how much I love Lifetime movies! Damaged was the first Lifetime movie of 2015 so it’s less a question of why was I watching it and more a question of how could I not watch it.
What Was It About?
Damaged is yet another Canadian thriller that has found a home on Lifetime. Sam Luck (Chris Klien) is the big, affable, and quite frankly dumb teacher who has a nice house in the suburbs with a dog and a wife (Tasya Teles). He also is co-owner of a diner because … well, why not? (I got the feeling that the filmmakers just happened to have a diner set available.)
Anyway, Sam’s luck changes when the new teenage neighbor moves in. Her name is Taran (Merritt Patterson) and, along with frequently flirting with Sam (who also happens to be one of her teachers), she also constantly has flashbacks where she’s either watching her mother have sex with an unseen boyfriend or standing in a cemetery while it rains.
As Sam grows closer to Taran, strange things start to happen. His car is stolen but fortunately, Taran offers to allow him to drive her never-seen father’s car. His dog disappears. He’s informed that a student has accused him of sexual harassment. His partner in the diner accuses him of embezzling money. With all this happening, who else can Sam turn to for comfort other than his wife the teenage neighbor girl next door?
What Worked?
Damaged was an example of my favorite type of Lifetime movie: A complacent couple in the suburbs has their life destroyed by a malevolent outside force. There’s something always fun about watching these smug suburbanites discovering just how easily their domestic bliss can be destroyed.
Merritt Patterson did a pretty good job in the role of Taran. At the very least, she seemed to be having more fun than anyone else in the cast.
Finally, Damaged deserves some credit for not shying away from giving us a properly dark ending. If this was an old grindhouse film, Damaged would be advertised as being a movie that “goes all the way.”
What Did Not Work?
So, here’s the thing. If you, as a filmmaker, want us to sympathize with your lead character or, at the very least, hope that he doesn’t end up getting totally destroyed, it might help to not make the character a total moron. As I watched the film, it was hard for me not to think about all the things that Sam could have done that would have prevented him from getting into this situation.
Here’s just a few examples:
1) When you’re a teacher and one of your students offers to give you her daddy’s car, don’t accept the car. Why? Because you’re a teacher and she’s a student in your class! Yes, I understand that it was a really nice car but again: Student. Teacher.
2) When you’re a teacher and you’re feeling depressed because someone has suggested that you’ve been sexually harassing your teenage students, don’t pour your heart out to the teenage girl who lives next door.
3) When you’re a teacher and one of your students offers you an expensive watch, don’t accept it!
4) When you’re a teacher and one of your students says she wants to go out and have fun with you, don’t go!
Seriously, it seems like most of Sam’s problems could have been avoided if he had bothered to read the Rules For Teacher/Student Interaction booklet that I’m sure he was given when he was first hired. As such, it was hard to have much sympathy for Sam. (Or his wife for that matter because, as badly as things turned out for her, she is the one who married the idiot in the first place.)
However, just to make clear: part of the fun of a movie like this is shaking your head at the stupid things some of the characters do. And overall, Sam’s stupidity just made the film more fun. So, I guess it’s debatable whether this is something that did not work. (Though it certainly didn’t work that well for Sam, personally…)
“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments
At first, when I thought Taran just had an obsessive crush on Sam, I related to her because it reminded me of when I was in high school and I had a crush on Mark, who was engaged to our speech and debate coach. One weekend, Mark accompanied us all on a road trip to a speech tournament in San Antonio. One night, at the motel, I slipped on this pink Victoria’s Secret nightie that I had specifically bought for the trip and then I sneaked out of my room and pulled down on the fire alarm so that I could specifically meet Mark when he came running out of his room in his boxers and I could pretend to be all panicky (and in need of comforting) about the fire. Ah, memories.
But anyway, as the movie progressed, I realized that I actually had less in common with Taran. For instance, I’ve never tried to kill anyone.
Lessons Learned
The main lesson I learned was one that I already know. If the police ever catch you doing something wrong, be sure to cry. I already knew that crying was a good way to get out of speeding tickets but, according to the final scene of Damaged, it can get you out of a lot worse as well.
As for any teachers who may have been watching, I think the main lesson would be to read your code of conduct.
This is the time of year that the Shattered Lens usually takes one final look back at the best and worst of the previous year’s offerings in cinema, television, literature, and music! Last year, I kicked things off by taking a look at the best that the SyFy network had to offer.
Unfortunately, SyFy didn’t produce as many original films in 2014 as they did in 2013.
However, my beloved Lifetime network remained a consistent showcase for some of the best and worst melodrama that one could hope for.
With that in mind, here are my nominees for the best films and performances that were featured on either the SyFy or the Lifetime network last year! As always, winners are listed in bold.
Well, of course, Grumpy Cat would have hated Grumpy Cat’s Worst Christmas Ever. That was kind of the point of the whole damn movie. The reason why Grumpy Cat has become such a popular meme is because her permanently sour face confirms what many of us suspect but often try to deny — i.e., that our cats are, for the most part, disgusted with us. However — and this is why people like me cherish our cats — they all have one or two people who they love enough to set aside their natural disgust and allow to be a part of their life.
Cats aren’t like dogs. A dog will love anyone. A cat picks someone to love and then they do it despite all of their better instincts. And because of that, cats will occasionally do stuff that they normally should hate.
Like starring in a holiday-themed film, for instance.
Grumpy Cat’s Worst Christmas Ever, which premiered on Lifetime last night and was watched by me and a thousand other cat lovers on twitter, works because it not only realizes that it should not exist but it also has no problem admitting that it should not exist. In Entertainment Weekly, Grumpy Cat’s sarcastic narration and continual breaking of the fourth wall is described as being “oddly meta.”
Personally, I call it being clever, cute, and funny.
But, let’s be honest. The majority of critics were never going to give a fair review to a film called Grumpy Cat’s Worst Christmas Ever. (A fair review, by the way, would have been: “The story’s dumb, the film looks cheap, but the cat is cute and, seeing as that’s the only reason anyone’s watching, that’s all that matters.”) Most critics probably had their review already written in their head before they even saw the movie. Complain about the commercialization of Christmas. Whine about how an internet meme now has her own movie while your coming-of-age screenplay remains unproduced. Make a few snarky comments about Lifetime, in general. Admit that Aubrey Plaza totally kicks ass as the voice of Grumpy Cat (because she so totally does). End it by sadly predicting that Grumpy Cat’s Worst Christmas Ever will lead to a sequel.
Bleh. Forget the other critics. Speaking as the only critics who really matters, here’s what I think you need to know about Grumpy Cat’s Worst Christmas Ever:
If you own and like cats, you’ll find a lot to enjoy about Grumpy Cat’s Worst Christmas Ever. Yes, the story is dumb. Yes, the movie was obviously cheaply made and, in case there was any doubt, Grumpy Cat herself pops up to point out how cheap the movie was. But Aubrey Plaza was born to be the voice of Grumpy Cat. And Grumpy Cat herself is adorable in her grumpy way! Along the way, we get to see Grumpy Cat drive a car and shoot a paintgun. We also get to meet Grumpy Cat’s British equivalent.
You have to be careful about admitting that you think Stephen King is overrated.
For a year and a half, I’ve been meaning to write a post entitled “10 Reasons Why Stephen King Sucks” but I haven’t. Some of that is because I don’t necessarily think that he does suck. I think he’s a good writer but I also think that he’s overrated and that his novel about the Kennedy assassination got so many details about Texas wrong that I don’t even know where to begin. (However, following the rules of clickbait, “sucks” works better than “overrated.”) Mostly, though, it’s just because Stephen King fans tend to be a bit cult-like. Criticizing King is like saying you don’t care about Beyonce’s marriage or admitting that you find President Obama to be a dull speaker or telling Vermont to go fuck itself or listing 10 Reasons Why You Hated Avatar. You shouldn’t do it unless you want to run the risk of dealing with a lot of angry and irrational true believers.
That said, it’s always a little bit safer to criticize the movies that have been made from Stephen King’s books and short stories. Even King’s most slavish followers will admit that Stephen King films tend to be uneven as far as quality is concerned. Stanley Kubrick’s The Shining is one of the best horror films of all time but it’s interesting to note that Stephen King himself rarely has a good word to say about Kubrick’s adaptation of his novel. For reasons that I’ve never quite understood, a lot of people love The Shawshank Redemption. Then there are the adaptations that nobody likes, like Bag of Bones and Dreamcatcher.
And then there’s Big Driver, an adaptation of a Stephen King novella that aired on Lifetime last night. For the past two months, Lifetime has been advertising this film with short but effective commercials that featured a bloodied Maria Bello running down a dark road while a gigantic truck ominously followed behind her. I saw the commercials and, seeing as how Maria Bello is a favorite actress of mine and how much I love Lifetime movies in general, I was excited to see Big Driver. Then, I saw another commercial in which Stephen King was quoted as saying, “This is the film that Stephen King fans have been waiting for,” and I have to admit that it left me a little bit less enthused because, quite frankly, I’ve always been under the impression that Stephen King will endorse anything as long as he gets paid and his ass gets kissed. (Someday, we’ll have to do a survey to discover just how many crappy books come with a Stephen King pull quote on the cover describing the book’s author as being “the future of horror!”) And I have to admit that I resented the fact that Lifetime seemed to be assuming that I would ever allow Stephen King to tell me what was good and what was bad. I can decide that for myself without having someone else tell me what I’ve been “waiting for.”
(I have issues with authority. Can you tell?)
Big Driver, incidentally, is Stephen King’s take onI Spit On Your Grave. Mystery writer Tess Thorne (Maria Bello) is raped and left for dead by a serial killer who is known as Big Driver (Will Harris). Feeling that the police would simply say that she was “asking for it”, Tess does not report the attack but instead uses the same techniques that she writes about in her books to track down both Big Driver and his mother (Ann Dowd) and sets out to get both revenge for herself and justice for all of Big Driver’s other victims. (Those detective techniques, by the way, largely seem to consist of knowing how to use Google.) Along the way, Tess hallucinates conversations with both her car’s GPS and with one of the fictional detectives from her books (played by Olympia Dukakis).
When I watched Big Driver last night, I actually had to stop watching after an hour. The film was just too intense and disturbing for me to handle in one sitting. The scene where Tess was raped was too painful to watch and Maria Bello’s performance was so raw and real that I had to change the channel. It wasn’t the film’s fault. It’s just that I wasn’t in the right emotional state to watch the movie. It was a lot more intense than anything that I would have ever expected to see on Lifetime. (Lifetime, after all, is the television equivalent of comfort food.) So, I stopped watching after an hour and I turned over to SyFy so I could watch a much more light-hearted horror film, Finders Keepers. Fortunately, I had the DVR recording Big Driver and I finished watching the film early this morning.
What I discovered, when I watched the rest of the film, is that Big Driver is a frustratingly uneven film. The first half is difficult to watch and that’s the way it should have been. But, as I watched the rest of the film, I found myself growing annoyed with Tess’s imaginary friends. The talking GPS and the spectral presence of the fictional detective all served to make Tess look less like a woman demanding justice and more like the proverbial unstable person who shouldn’t have been messed with. One reason why the original I Spit On Your Grave has recently been reevaluated by several feminist film critics is because the victim in that film is never portrayed as being crazy or unbalanced. Her actions are purely the result of what has been done to her and, as such, that film is ultimately far more empowering than most critics will ever be willing to admit. By calling into question Tess’s grip on reality, Big Driver fails to empower and, if a film like this isn’t going to be empowering, than what is the point?
Big Driver is, however, redeemed by Maria Bello’s fierce performance as Tess. Maria Bello is one of my favorite actresses. When you see that a character is played by Maria Bello, you know that character is not going to put up with any bullshit and she’s not going to be afraid to kick someone’s ass if she has to. Even when the film’s script lets the character down, Maria Bello keeps Tess strong. It’s a great and, I would say, even an important performance.
As for Big Driver‘s place in the pantheon of Stephen King film adaptations, it’s about in the middle. It’s neither as good or as bad as it could have been but it is undeniably effective.
Well, it’s here! This is my 80th and final Back to School review! As I’ve mentioned before, I originally thought I’d be able to do all of these reviews in just one week. Instead, it’s taken me five weeks but you know what? I’ve had fun doing these reviews and I hope that you’ve enjoyed reading them. It’s been interesting to see how teen films have progressed and changed over the decades. We started this series with 1946’s I Accuse My Parentsand now, we end it with a film from 2014 that might as well be called I Accuse Screech.
Technically, it’s called The Unauthorized Saved By The Bell Story but that’s kind of an unwieldy name, isn’t it? I can’t really see myself typing that title over and over again. So, for the purposes of this review, this movie is called I Accuse Screech.
First off, some background. When I was a kid, I used to watch Saved By The Bell: The New Class. What’s weird is that, when I look back at it, I think even then I knew that the show wasn’t very good. I knew that the jokes were frequently not funny. I knew that the story lines were predictable. I think I was even aware that it was strange how frequently actors were either dropped from or added to the cast. Don’t get me wrong. The show was (and still is) oddly watchable but it was never any good and I am pretty sure I knew that. Then again, maybe that’s just way I want to remember it. Being a fan of Saved By The Bell: The New Class isn’t exactly something that you brag about. However, one thing that I can be sure of is that, even when I was young, I knew that Screech Powers sucked.
As played by Dustin Diamond, Screech was the principal’s assistant at Bayside High. He was also probably the most annoying character ever to be unleashed onto the psyches of impressionable children and tweens. Screech spoke in a high, squeaky voice and could usually be relied upon to do something incredibly stupid. Whenever he fucked things up (and he managed to do this several times in each episode), he would say something like, “Zoinks!” Everybody hated Screech.
Now, I have to admit that I never actually saw an episode of the classic original Saved By The Bell until after the New Class was already off the air. And that’s when I discovered the adventures of Zack Morris, A.C. Slater, Kelly Kapowski, Jessie Spano, and … Screech. That’s right, you can’t escape Screech!
And here’s the thing — the original Saved By The Bell is one of those shows that really is kind of terrible and yet you can’t stop watching. It’s addictively bad, the type of show that you watch with a combination of shock, horror, and amusement. The original Saved By The Bell is the television equivalent of The Room or Troll 2. It’s terrible but it’s fun.
So, you would think that a made-for-tv movie about what went on behind-the-scenes of Saved By The Bell would also be terrible yet fun. That’s certainly the way that it was advertised by Lifetime. Lifetime appeared to be hoping that their version of the story behind Saved By The Bell would give them a Sharknado of their very own.
And hey, it should have been great. There’s an interesting story there. How would a bunch of teens handle suddenly becoming famous? How would they handle the pressure of being famous while also appearing on a show so bad that it would essentially run the risk of ruining their lives, not to mention their careers? How would they handle having to grow up both on TV and in real life?
Those are the questions that we expected to have answered by this movie but instead…
Well, let’s just say that I Accuse Screech!
In 2009, Dustin Diamond published a “memoir” called Behind The Bell and oh my God, it is literally the worst fucking book ever written. Words escape me to describe just how terrible this book is. Essentially, the book is full of Diamond either complaining that his co-stars didn’t like him or bragging about the fact that he used to have sex with 12 year-olds at Disneyland. Diamond accuses his castmates of smoking weed. (Wow, teenagers smoking weed. MY GOD, THE SCANDAL!) Diamoned accuses his castmates of having sex. (OH MY GOD, TEENAGERS HAVING SEX!) In other words, the book is pretty much Dustin Diamond complaining about the fact that everyone but him was having fun on the set of Saved By The Bell.
So, of course, if you’re going to make a movie about Saved By The Bell, where would you go for your source material? Well, you can’t go to any of the stars because, with the exception of Dustin Diamond, they all have successful careers outside of Saved By The Bell. And you can’t go to Dennis Haskins because, seriously, who cares what Mr. Belding thought?
Lifetime decided to use Behind the Bell as their source material. Unfortunately, Diamond himself has admitted that the book was a pack of lies. As a result, most of the more salacious (and therefore entertaining) material could not actually be used in the movie. The Lifetime film is full of hints of bad behavior but no direct evidence. At one point, we see the actor playing Mario Lopez flirting with an extra in a deserted classroom. In another scene, the girls get snarky with each other because they all like Mark-Paul Gosselaar. But, beyond those hints, we don’t get to see any of the book’s more sordid accusations. Instead, all we get are a lot of scenes of the actor playing Dustin Diamond looking annoyed with his castmates.
(Because, literally, the only verifiable, non-slanderous thing to be found in the book is that apparently Dustin Diamond was whiny, bitter, and jealous…)
As a result, the film seems to be suggesting that Saved By The Bell was put together and performed by the most boring people on Earth. The end result is not only the worst film to have appeared on Lifetime but perhaps one of the worst films of all time.
Why is it so bad?
I accuse Screech!
(Incidentally, if you want to learn more about Saved By The Bell, I suggest checking out the best Saved By The Bell review site around, The Summer of Morris!)
And, on that note of failure, we conclude this series of 80 Back to School reviews! Thank you, everyone, for your indulgence and your patience! I hope everyone enjoyed reading them as much as I enjoyed writing them.
Last night, I watched the Lifetime original film, Petals On The Wind.
Why Was I Watching It?
It’s the sequel to one of the greatest Lifetime films of all time, Flowers in the Attic. How could I not watch it?
What Was It About?
10 years have passed since the Dollanganger children escaped from the attic. Christopher (Wyatt Nash) is a medical student who, despite being engaged, is still attracted to his sister, Cathy (Rose McIver). Cathy is a dancer who finds herself trapped in an abusive relationship with the handsome but controlling Julian (Will Kemp). And finally, Carrie (Bailey Buntain) is still struggling with her memories of being held prisoner. After several tragedies occur outside of the attic, Cathy returns to Foxworth Hall, looking to get revenge on both her grandmother (Ellen Burstyn) and her mother (Heather Graham).
What Worked?
Heather Graham and Ellen Burstyn reprised their roles from Flowers in the Attic and both of them gave Emmy-worthy performances. Burstyn, in particular, managed to invoke some sympathy for a potentially monstrous character while Graham brought a great combination of immaturity and evil to her character.
On a personal level, I appreciated all of the dancing. It brought back a lot of good memories.
What Did Not Work?
Watching Petals On The Wind really made me appreciate Flowers in the Attic, which was great for Flowers but not so good for Petals. As I sat there, trying to figure out why Petals just wasn’t working for me, it occurred to me that the strength of Flowers in the Attic was that the attic itself became as much a character as any of the Dollangangers. Even more importantly, being trapped in that attic, gave all of the characters a link that went beyond family and sex. For the viewer, that attic allowed us to know when the story had truly begun (when the kids were first locked up there) and when the story was over (when they finally got to leave). In Petals, without the attic, the story of Dollangangers often felt formless and random. As a result, the film may have been watchable but it was rarely compelling.
Since Petals was supposed to take place ten years after the end of Flowers, all of the Dollanganger children were recast. And while Rose McIvar and Wyatt Nash are both talented, they didn’t have much chemistry when they were on screen together (especially when compared to their predecessors in Flowers). That lack of chemistry made all of the incest even ickier than it would normally be.
“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments
All of the dancing, of course! I also have to admit that, like Cathy, I’ve known a few Julians.
Lessons Learned
From a narrative point of view, it is sometimes better to just stay in the attic.
How can you not watch a film called Death Clique, especially when it’s on Lifetime?
What Was It About?
Teenagers Sara (Lexi Ainsworth) and Jade (Brittany Underwood) have been friends forever. However, when new transfer student Ashley (Tina Ivlev) decides that she wants to be Jade’s new BFF, it leads to murder. According to the opening credits, this is based on “true events.” (There’s been a lot of speculation on the imdb message boards that Death Clique was based on the horrific murder of Skylar Neese but, while there are similarities, I don’t know that for sure.)
What Worked?
I’m not totally sure how closely Death Clique stuck to the true story that inspired it. I’m going to guess that some parts of the film were heavily fictionalized, just by the fact that no “real” names were used. But, even with all that in mind, Death Clique was a disturbing and effective movie about friendship, obsession, and murder. When you watch as many Lifetime films as I do, you end up seeing a lot of melodrama in a lot of high schools. Death Clique may not be the first Lifetime film to deal with this topic but it is unique in that it not only got the melodrama right but it got the little details right as well.
A lot of the credit for the film’s success has to go to the actresses who played the three friends — Lexi Ainsworth, Brittany Underwood, and Tina Ivlev were totally believable in their roles.
What Did Not Work?
It all worked. This was an effective and well-made Lifetime film.
“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments
There were more than I would like to admit. When I think back to high school and even to college, I can see that there were times when I was just like Jade and when I was just like Sara. I’ve been the girl with the new and possessive BFF and I’ve also been the girl who suddenly discovers that she’s become the third wheel. While I don’t think I’ve ever truly been an Ashley, I know what its like to be possessive of a new friend. Up until the murder, every scene in this film had me saying, “Oh my God! Just like me!”
There’s one scene, in particular, that struck uncomfortably close to home for me. That was when Jade and Ashley slashed the tires of a car belonging to their hated Spanish teacher. In my case, the car belonged to an algebra teacher and, without going into too many details, I was totally justified.
Last night, I finally watched the latest Lifetime “original” film, The Good Mistress.
Why Was I Watching It?
When the Good Mistress originally aired, I was in Austin celebrating Valentine’s Day. As a result, the film had been sitting on my DVR for four days before I finally got a chance to watch it last night.
As for why I recorded it in the first place — well, you know I can’t ever resist the temptation of a good Lifetime film.
What Was It About?
Recovering alcoholic Sandy (Annie Heise) is looking to start a new life after being involved in a tragic car accident. She moves to a small town where her best friend from high school, Karen (Kendra Anderson), get her a job. Sandy also meets handsome and smooth politician David (Antonio Cupo). After Sandy sleeps with David, she discovers that he also happens to be Karen’s husband! And, it turns out, the women he has sex with have a habit of turning up dead.
Can Sandy still start her new life and expose David without losing Karen’s friendship and giving into the temptation to start drinking again?
Will David respond to everything Sandy says with a devilish smirk?
Will the nice and well-meaning sheriff fall in love with Sandy?
Most importantly, will there be a huge twist at the end?
If you’ve ever watched a Lifetime film, you already know the answer.
What Worked?
This was pretty much your typical Canadian-made Lifetime movie. A woman with a past moves to a small town, reconnects with an old friend, sleeps with a handsome man, and then discovers that he’s married and her life is in danger. It happens at least three times a day on Lifetime. Yes, it’s totally predictable and rather silly but, to quote Icona Pop, I don’t care. I love it.
Was the Good Mistress a good movie? No, not really. However, it was an enjoyable and entertaining way to waste two hours of my life. It was a Lifetime movie and that was good enough for me.
What Did Not Work?
The film’s title, while obviously meant to make viewers like me associate this film with The Good Wife, is totally incorrect. First off, just because you accidentally have a one-night stand with a married man that does not make you a mistress. If it did, there’d be a lot more mistresses in the world.
Secondly, even if Sandy could be considered a mistress, she could hardly be considered a good mistress. After all, she not only threatened to reveal David’s infidelity but accused him of murder as well. If anything, she would be a very bad mistress.
“Oh my God!” Just Like Me Moments
Since it’s been a while since I last stood outside a bar and had trauma-induced flashbacks or unintentionally slept with a married man, I worried that I would not be able to relate to Sandy. However, then I saw the scene where Sandy — in a grocery store parking lot — gets distracted and loses control of her shopping cart. The same thing happened to me the last time I was at Wal-Mart. Unlike Sandy, no cute guys jumped out of nowhere to catch the cart for me.
Through the Shattered Lens 