Film Review: Wrong Swipe (dir by Matthew Leutwyler)


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The image above is a still from a film called Wrong Swipe.  The women are sisters.  Anna (Anna Hutchison, who may be best known for playing doomed Jules in The Cabin In The Woods) is an uptight law school student who spends way too much time studying.  Her sister, Sasha (Karissa Lee Staples), decides that Anna desperately needs to get laid so she goads her into downloading the Swipe app.

What’s Swipe?

Well, for one thing, it’s an app with a really bad name.  But, beyond that, it’s kinda like Match.com for people who specifically want to run the risk of being stalked by a psycho.  If a user finds a profile that she likes, she “swipes” the profile.  The app uses the phone’s GPS to send you an alert whenever someone who you’ve swiped is nearby.

“Your crush is 100 feet away…”

So, Anna joins Swipe.  In order to make sure that her sister understand how it all works, Sasha decides to swipe some random guy’s profile.  That random guy just happens to be Todd (Blake Berris), the creepy guy who sits behind Anna in her criminal justice class.  Now, Todd thinks that Anna has a crush on him.

“You swiped me!” Todd says, at one point.

Anna goes on a few other Swipe dates.  She reconnects with a guy she vaguely knew in high school, Nate (Kevin Joy) but it turns out that Nate is kind of a jerk and plus, he attempts to drug her drink during their date.  Uh-oh, Nate’s not a good guy!

Then Anna meets Pete (Philipp Karner).  Pete is sweet and sensitive and handsome.  Anna and he have an immediate connection and, as you watch them together, you just know that they’re eventually going to end up in a commercial for Swipe.com.  Anna and Pete will be sitting in front of a fireplace.  Anna will say, “I joined Swipe.com and two days later, look what I found.”  And then Pete will say…

Well, actually, Pete won’t say anything.  Pete ends up getting murdered.  Sorry, Anna.  Could Pete’s murder be somehow connected to the anonymous threatening messages that Anna has been getting ever since she joined Swipe?

In case you hadn’t already guessed, Wrong Swipe is a Lifetime film.  It aired on February 13th, just in time for Valentine’s Day.  There are a few things that you can always be sure about when it comes to Lifetime films.  You can always be sure that men will be untrustworthy, mom will always be right, and the bonds of sisterhood will never be broken.  You can also always be sure that using any sort of technology will lead to grave misfortune.  I’ve lost track of how many Lifetime films I’ve seen about terrible things happening as a result of someone spending too much time online.

(It’s kinda like that film Disconnect, except more fun and less preachy.)

With Wrong Swipe, Lifetime exposes the dangers of online dating for the hundredth time.  At this point, Lifetime has gone from being Television For Women to being the “You Kids And Your Goddamn Gadgets!” Network.  That said, there’s a certain charm to how predictable it all is.  Lifetime is all about the melodrama and Wrong Swipe has plenty of that.  It may be familiar but it’s comfortable at the same time.

Wrong Swipe was probably at its best when it dealt with the bond between Anna and Sasha.  Their relationship reminded me of my relationship with my sisters.  At the same time, it was hard not to wonder how Anna could possibly have randomly met so many weird men in such a short amount of time.  One of them, of course, had to be weird because he was the psycho who was stalking her.  But the others were just red herrings who all happened to act like psychos even if they weren’t the psycho.  In fact, all of the men were so over-the-top in their suspicious behavior that it actually made it easy to figure out who the stalker was because he was the only suspect who wasn’t totally and completely obvious.

One final note: Wrong Swipe is unique for actually showing Anna doing a Google search.  Usually, Lifetime films will come up with a fake search engine for its characters to use but Wrong Swipe went ahead and just used google.  That said, Anna was not using quotation marks when she typed in her search terms so it probably took her far longer than necessary to find what she was looking for.

As for whether or not you should make it a point to see Wrong Swipe the next time it comes on TV … eh.  It’s nothing special but if you enjoy Lifetime films, it’s okay.

 

Film Review: Pregnant At 17 (dir by Curtis Crawford)


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Before I talk too much about the last night’s Lifetime premiere, Pregnant at 17, I want to share something with you.  As of 10:00 pm on the night at February 20th, this is the imdb plot description, which was posted by Reel One Entertainment:

When Sonia finds out her husband of 10 years is having an affair, she decides to get to know the young woman, Chelsea, he’s fallen in love with. Chelsea, a free-spirit who believes in polyamory, brings a happiness and fulfillment to Sonia that she’s never experienced before– especially since her miscarriage which left her depressed and hopeless. The three form a polyamorous relationship until an unexpected turn of events sends all of their lives into a tailspin.

Wow, that sounds like a lot of fun, doesn’t it!?  Certainly, this is the first time that I’ve seen the term “polyamory” used in a plot description since Utopia went off the air!

However, by the time you read this review, I imagine that the plot description will probably have been changed because it’s absolutely inaccurate.  It is true that Sonia (Josie Bissett) does find out that her husband, Jeff (Roark Critchlow), is having an affair with Chelsea (Zoe De Grand Maison).  However, Chelsea is not a polyamorous free spirit.  Instead, she’s a 17 year-old girl who works at an ice cream parlor.  (The name of the parlor is Stella Lama.)  And, though Jeff does have an affair with her, he never falls in love with Chelsea.  In fact, when Chelsea tells him that she’s pregnant (at 17!), he promptly attempts to pay her off.

That’s right — Pregnant at 17 is yet another installment in Lifetime’s endless series of “…at 17” films.  Over the past few years, we’ve seen everything from Betrayed At 17 to Stalked At 17 to Framed At 17 to Accused at 17.  Seriously, it’s not easy being a 17 year-old girl on Lifetime!  The worst things are always happening to you.  Since I had a lot of melodrama in my life when I was 17, I always enjoy and relate to the “…at 17” movies.  Pregnant at 17 was a film that I could especially relate to because it was about a girl who had both red hair and a boyfriend named Jeff!

Even without the promised softcore polyamory, Pregnant at 17 was still wonderfully melodramatic in the way that only a good Lifetime film can be.  After Sonia discovers that Chelsea has been sleeping with her husband, she goes down to the ice parlor to confront her.  However, within seconds of their first meeting, Chelsea is offering Sonia free ice cream and talking about how difficult her life is.  Sonia feels sorry for Chelsea and, instead of confronting her, ends up befriending her.

And Chelsea really needs a friend!  Not only has she been abandoned by her married boyfriend but she’s also being stalked by Greg Foster (Rogan Christopher).  Apparently, before she met Jeff, Chelsea witnessed Greg robbing a convenience store.  Chelsea identified Greg to the police and Greg has spent the last year in jail.  Now, he’s out and he wants revenge!  Helping Greg is his sister, Laren (Corina Bizem).  We know that Laren is dangerous because she wears way too much dark eyeliner.

When Sonia confronts Jeff about his affair, he replies, “You’re not perfect, either.”  Guys, if you’re reading this — if you are ever caught cheating, do not attempt to excuse your actions by saying, “You’re not perfect, either.”  SERIOUSLY, THAT IS THE WORST POSSIBLE THING YOU CAN SAY IN THOSE CIRCUMSTANCES.

(Forgive me for the all caps but I think this is an important message to impart.  If I can teach a lesson, I am always happy to do so.)

Now, at this point, I was thinking about a friend of mine who found out that her boyfriend was cheating on her and she responded by supergluing his penis to his stomach.  (Yes, that is a true story and yes, the person who suggested it to her was inspired by Reservoir Dogs.)  However, Sonia doesn’t go that far.  Instead, she just makes Jeff sleep in the guest room.  The next morning, Jeff gets hit by a car and ends up laid up at the hospital.

That now means that there’s extra room in Sonia’s house!  And who better to move in but her husband’s pregnant mistress!?  Of course, by doing so, Sonia is now being stalked by the same people who have been stalking Chelsea…

Seriously, being pregnant at 17 is the least of Chelsea’s problems.  This is pure Choas at 17.

And no, there’s no polyamory.  There’s no threesomes.  I know that the plot description promised a threesome but that’s not the type of movie that Pregnant at 17 is.  This is not Carnal Wishes or Big Bad Mama. And really, that’s okay.  Pregnant at 17 is a lot of fun, just the way it is.  This film epitomizes everything that we love about Lifetime movies.  It’s so over the top that watching it is a pure delight.

Both Josie Bissett and Zoe De Grande Maison also deserve a lot of credit for fully committing to their roles.  Bissett, who was so good in A Mother’s Instinct, gives another excellent performance here.  Meanwhile, Maison does all of us redheads proud!

Keep an eye out for Pregnant at 17!  You will not be disappointed.

 

Lifetime Movie Review: Manson’s Lost Girls (dir by Leslie Libman)


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I know way too much about the crimes of Charles Manson.

I realized that, earlier tonight, as I watched the latest Lifetime original film, Manson’s Lost Girls.  It was one of the better films that I’ve recently seen on Lifetime and it was certainly superior to NBC’s Aquarius, the TV show that tried to turn Manson into some sort of sexy anti-hero.  (Memo to NBC:  Walter White was a great anti-hero.  Charles Manson was just a grubby little serial killer.)  Manson’s Lost Girls was well-acted and it did a fairly good job of portraying the 60s without falling back on too many of the usual clichés (at no point was White Rabbit heard on the soundtrack), and it also did a pretty good job of portraying how certain lost people can be brainwashed by one cunning sociopath.

Yet, with all that in mind, I found myself watching the film and thinking, Where is Bruce Davis?  Where’s Clem Grogan?  What about Catherine Share, whose parents were both members of the resistance during the Nazi occupation of Germany just for their daughter to end up a brainwashed member of Manson’s Family?”  For whatever reason, the Family portrayed in Manson’s Lost Girls was considerably smaller than the real-life Family and seriously, how disturbing is that?  I mean, the 10-member cult in Mason’s Lost Girls was bad enough but, in real life, there were even more of them!  How disturbing is that!?  But, in retrospect, it’s even more disturbing that I knew enough about the Family to know that Bruce Davis, Clem Grogan, and Catherine Share were all missing from the film.

(Actually, I just looked at the credits on the imdb and I saw that Diana Irvine is credited as playing Catherine.  So, perhaps Catherine Share was included as a character and I just didn’t notice.)

When I was 16, I took a sociology class in high school.  One of the class assignments was to do a report on a subculture.  I did my report on vampires and the less said about that the better.  However, the hot and troubled guy who sat in front of me did his report on the Manson Family.  As a part of his report, he handed out a little booklet that had pictures of all the Family members in it.  I can remember looking through those pictures and thinking that Charles Manson looked scary and that Tex Watson was kind of hot, in a rebellious son of an evangelical preacher sort of way.  (Tex Watson spent a semester at North Texas State University.  Four decades later, I went to NTSU — or UNT as its now called.  Around the campus, you can find pictures of famous former students like Joe Don Baker, Peter Weller, Pat Boone, and Roy Orbison.  For obvious reasons, you will never find a picture of Charles “Tex” Watson.)  But, as I listened to the details of Manson’s crimes and his belief that the Beatles were sending him secret messages and that those messages justified murder, I found myself wondering how any of the fresh-faced people in those pictures could have possibly believed a word that Manson said.  It just seemed so weird and …. stupid.

(By the end of the presentation, Tex Watson no longer looked hot.)

And I have to admit that I was a bit intrigued by it all.  It wasn’t that I had any sympathy for those murderers.  But I found myself wondering how they could have done what they did.  I wondered how so many different people from different background could come together and all buy into the same stupid bullshit.  Though I didn’t realize it at the time, I was struggling to understand the very nature of evil.  To most people, it was easy enough to say that Manson and his followers were evil but I wanted to know how they had become evil.  I wanted to understand why and, though I may not have wanted to admit it, I wanted to make sure that I never woke up to discover that I had made the same mistake of surrendering my free will to a some nut just because he was able to look at me and tell that I had issues with my father.

By telling the story of Linda Kasabian (played quite well by MacKenzie Mauzy), Manson’s Lost Girls attempts to answer that question.  Linda was a young mother who, after her drug dealing husband deserted her, found herself living on the Spahn Movie Ranch with Manson and the Family.  Linda spent a month with Manson.  At first, she felt as if she had a found a new home and a new family but soon, things started to unravel.  In hopes of bringing about a race war (and also looking for vengeance over his own failure to become a rock star), Manson ordered his followers to commit murder.  Linda witnessed the tragic and brutal murder of actress Sharon Tate and her friends.  After the murders, Linda fled the Family and she would later serve as the prosecution’s star witness in Manson’s murder trial.

Manson’s Lost Girls is told almost totally from Linda’s point of view.  It’s through her that we are introduced to Manson and his Family.  The film doesn’t quite succeed in giving us a definitive answer as to how Manson could get people to kill for him but, then again, there may not be a definitive answer.  Fortunately, Manson’s Lost Girls does provide hints.  In her narration, Linda emphasizes that Manson kept everyone perpetually wasted.  But, even more importantly, the film highlights that, for these brainwashed future murderers, the Family truly was a family.  They were lost.  They were rejected by conventional society.  And when they met Manson, they were given a chance to belong.  The film suggests that need to belong and to be a part of something greater than what they had left all the members of the Family vulnerable to Charlie’s manipulations.

Manson was played by Jeff Ward, who did a pretty good job in the role.  Wisely, the film didn’t overplay Manson’s charisma or attempt to turn him into some sort of supervillain.  (In short, it didn’t make the same mistake as Aquarius.)  Instead, it portrayed him as what he probably was — a grubby hustler with a massive chip on his shoulder.  As played by Ward, Manson is less a messiah and more an extremely lucky con artist.  Manson’s Lost Girls deserves credit for portraying Manson without a hint of glamour.

The film suggests that Manson’s rampage was largely motivated by his bitterness over not being able to get a record contract.  As I watched, I found myself what would have happened if Manson had gotten that contract.  Would he now be remembered as one of those obscure musicians from the 60s and 70s whose later career was made up of performing at fairs and cheap clubs?  Or, if he had found success, would he have eventually ended up as a mentor on an early episode of American Idol?

Far more importantly, I found myself wondering what the future would have held for his most famous victim, Sharon Tate?  Sharon gave a such good performance in Valley of the Dolls, one that suggested she was capable of a lot more than she had been given credit for.  Would she have continued to grow and develop as an actress?  And what of her unborn son?  If not for Manson and his followers, Paul Polanski would now be 46 years old.

Manson’s Lost Girls does not linger on the murders.  They largely happen off-screen and, for that, I’m thankful.  But, at the same time, it never shies away from the real-life tragedy of Manson’s crimes.  And, even if the film did not have all the answers, it did remind us why the questions must be asked.  In the end, Manson’s Lost Girls reminds us of what evil can come from surrendering our independence and our free will.

It’s a film that reminds us that no matter how lost we may be, we must always be careful about those who claim to have found us.  Instead of waiting for others to find us, we must find ourselves.

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Cleaning Out The DVR: I Have Your Children


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After watching 911 Nightmare, I continued to clean out the DVR by watching I Have Your Children.  I Have Your Children originally aired on Lifetime on January 1st.  That’s right — this is the first Lifetime film of the year!

Anyway, I Have Your Children is a film about hostage negotiation and, after reading that, are you still awake?  For whatever reasons, there have been hundreds of movies and TV shows about hostage negotiators and they’re usually pretty boring and predictable.  Some crazy person takes a group of people hostage.  The SWAT team surrounds him.  A hostage negotiator who is haunted by a past failure shows up and does the whole, “Just talk to me” routine.  The SWAT team just wants to shoot the guy and the negotiator does the whole, “You are putting the hostages in danger!” routine.  Usually, it turns out that the guy holding the hostages is doing so because he was screwed over by a bank or health insurance company or maybe he lost all of his money due to a smarmy stockbroker.  There’s usually a scene where the negotiator delivers food to the hostages.

Seriously, a hostage negotiator film just writes itself.  Maybe that’s why there’s so many of them.

Anyway, at first glance, I Have Your Children seems like pretty much your standard hostage negotiator film.  A guy named Calum stops taking his mediation and hijacks a school bus.  It turns out that Calum’s mother is dying but she can’t get the treatment she needs because of the big horrible health insurance company!  Calum is demanding a huge ransom, enough money to be able to pay for his mother’s treatment.  One of the kidnapped kids is the daughter of a claims adjuster at the insurance company!

The SWAT Team just wants to rush in with guns blazing and if that means that all the hostages die, so be it.  Fortunately, Amber Cross (Alaina Huffman) is there to negotiate with Calum.  Amber, of course, has issues of her own.  A hostage died during one of her previous negotiations.  Her ex-husband is planning on marrying a younger woman.  (It’s a Lifetime film, after all.)  Her son is being bullied at school.  Fortunately, Amber’s father-in-law happens to be the chief of police and he’s going to keep Amber employed, even if a snarky reporter and the fascistic SWAT Team leader continue to insist that she’s thoroughly incompetent…

However, towards the end of the film, there’s a big twist and it kind of makes up for how predictable the film has been up to that point.  Obviously, I can’t really reveal the twist without spoiling the film but I will say that it was clever and fairly unexpected and it pretty much saved the entire film from being totally forgettable.  So, if you happen to watch I Have Your Children, the best advice I can give is to stick with the movie and have some faith that it will eventually pay off!

Seriously, there’s nothing wrong with having a little faith.

Cleaning Out The DVR: 911 Nightmare (dir by Craig Moss)


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It’s amazing how quickly a DVR can fill up.  Just a few weeks ago, as December came to a close, I went through my DVR, watched a lot of Christmas movies, and cleared up about 30 hours of space.  At the time, I was pretty proud of myself but now, a month later, I find myself once again in the same situation.  I am running out of space.

In other words, it’s time to clean out the DVR yet again.

I got things started by watching 911 Nightmare, which premiered on the Lifetime Movie Network on January 10th.  And let’s give credit where credit is due.  That is a brilliant title, especially for a Lifetime film.  It not only promises a nightmare (perhaps even a sexy nightmare) but it also promises so much danger that someone is going to have to call 911.  A sexy nightmare and danger?  How can I say no to that!?

(According to the imdb, this film was originally called Dispatch.  911 Nightmare is a clear improvement.)

Anyway, as for the rest of the film, it tells the story of Christine McCullers (Fiona Gubelmann).  When we first meet Christine, she’s a cop and she’s carrying on a family tradition of law enforcement.  However, when she gets cornered by a perp (that’s right, I said “perp” because I love to use that official police talk) in an alley, her partner gets a bullet in the head and Christine gets a bullet in the leg.

Now wearing a big ugly brace and moving with a pronounced limp. Christine is working as a 911 operator.  One night, a call comes in.  Christine answers.

“911,” she says.

“The boogeyman is here!” a little kid says.

Christine tells the kid to get some sleep and to stop playing pranks and she threatens to tell his parents what a bad son they have.  She hangs up on the kid and, as a result, the kid’s best friend is murdered…

And I have to admit that this is where I kind of lost interest in 911 Nightmare.  The rest of the film deals with Christine trying to solve the murder and we’re clearly supposed to feel sorry for her because everyone is blaming her for what happened but you know what?  She deserves to be blamed because she messed up!  The film goes out of its way to convince us that Christine made an understandable (if unfortunate) mistake but it never quite convinces us.

Perhaps it would have worked better if the kid had been attacked while he was on the phone with Christine and killed before the police arrived.  And maybe then the police could try to blame Christine for their own failure (and certainly, they would point to her previous wounding in the line of duty as proof of her incompetence).  Then you would really root for Christine.

But no.  Christine is terrible at her job and it’s difficult to really root for a character who screws up that badly.  There’s a scene where Christine views all of the mean comments that have been posted about her online and it was probably a bad sign, as far as the film’s effectiveness was concerned, that I agreed with almost every single comment.

Anyway, Christine does go on to investigate the murder and, since this is a Lifetime movie, she also gets a boyfriend during the course of her investigation.  Good for her.  Unfortunately, however, the film fell apart as soon as she told that kid to go back to sleep.

2015 in Review: The Best of Lifetime


Today, I continue my look back at 2015 by posting my picks for the best of Lifetime!  My nominees for the best Lifetime films and performances are listed below, with the winners starred and listed in bold!  Congratulations to all the nominees and winners and thank you for making this one of the most entertaining years in my long history of watching Lifetime movies!

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Best Picture
Babysitter’s Black Book, produced by Robert Ballo and Ken Sanders.
Cleveland Abduction, produced by David A. Rosemont and Stephen Tolkin
*A Deadly Adoption, produced by Fritz Manger, Max Osswald, Will Ferrell, and Adam McKay.*
If There Be Thorns, produced by Richard D. Arredondo and Harvey Kahn.
A Mother’s Instinct, produced by Oliver De Caigny and Timothy O. Johnson
Patient Killer, produced by Barbie Castro.
The Secret Life of Marilyn Monroe, produced by Joseph Boccia, Don Carmody, and David Cormican.
The Spirit of Christmas, produced by Andrea Ajemian
Stalked By My Neighbor, produced by Robert Ballo.
The Unauthorized Beverly Hills 90210 Story, produced by Ian Hay.

Best Director
Jason Bourque for A Mother’s Instinct
Doug Campbell for Stalked By My Neighbor.
*Rachel Goldenberg for A Deadly Adoption*
Alex Kalymnois for Cleveland Abduction
Vanessa Parise for The Unauthorized Beverly Hills 90210 Story
Casper Van Dien for Patient Killer

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Best Actor
Shaun Benson in Kept Woman
Dan Castellaneta in The Unauthorized Beverly Hills 90210 Story
*Will Ferrell in A Deadly Adoption*
Travis Hammer in The Bride He Bought Online
Adam Kaufman in A Mother Betrayed
Eric Roberts in Stalked By My Doctor

Best Actress
Josie Bissett in A Mother’s Instinct
Anna Camp in Caught
Kimberly Elise in Back to School Mom
Kelli Garner in The Secret Life of Marilyn Monroe
*Taryn Manning in Cleveland Abduction*
Kelcie Stranahan in Stalked By My Neighbor

Best Supporting Actor
Ken Camroux-Taylor in Sugarbabies
MacKenzie Gray in If There Be Thorns
Richard Harmon in A Mother’s Instinct
*Patrick Muldoon in Patient Killer.*
Eric Roberts in A Fatal Obsession
Peter Strauss in Sugar Daddies.

Unauthorized Beverly Hills

Best Supporting Actress
Angeline Appel in Babysitter’s Black Book.
Barbie Castro in Patient Killer
Olivia d’Abo in Stolen From The Suburbs
Sarah Grey in A Mother’s Instinct
Jessica Lowndes in A Deadly Adoption
*Samantha Munro in The Unauthorized Beverly Hills 90210 Story*

Best Adapted Screenplay
*Cleveland Abduction, written by Stephen Tolkin*
If There Be Thorns, written by Andy Cochran.
The Secret Life of Marilyn Monroewritten by Stephen Kronish and J. Randy Taraborrelli.
Seeds of Yesterday, written by Darren Stein.
Turkey Hollow, written by Tim Burns and Christopher Baldi.
Wuthering High School, written by Delondra Williams.

Best Original Screenplay
*Babysitter’s Black Book, written by Richard Kletter and Michele Samit*
A Deadly Adoption, written by Andrew Steele.
The Murder Pact, written by John Doolan
Patient Killer, written by Bryan Dick and Brian D. Young.
Stalked By My Neighborwritten by Doug Campbell.
Stolen From The Suburbs, written by Alex Wright

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Best Cinematography
*Cleveland Abduction, Richard Wong.*
Fatal Obsession, Ronnee Swenton.
If There Be Thorns, James Liston.
The Murder PactBranden James Maxham.
Patient Killer, Bernard Salzmann
The Spirit of Christmas, Michael Negrin.

Best Costume Design
Grace of Monaco, Gigi Lepage
If There Be ThornsShanna Mair, Rebekka Sorensen.
Kept Woman
*The Secret Life of Marilyn Monroe, Gersha Phillips.*
Seeds of Yesterday, Claire Nadon.
The Spirit of Christmas, Jennifer Lynn Tremblay.

Best Editing
Babysitter’s Black Book, Ely Mennin
Cleveland Abduction, Henk Van Eeghen.
*A Deadly Adoption, Bill Parker.*
A Mother’s Instinct
Stalked By My Neighbor, Clayton Woodhull.
The Unauthorized Beverly Hills 90210 Story, Allan Lee.

Best Makeup and Hairstyling
*Cleveland Abduction, Dugg Kirkpatrick, Susan R. Prosser, Tina Roesler Kewin, Alan Tuskes, Alicia Zavarella*
Grace of Monaco
If There Be Thorns, Jenine Lehfeldt, Tana Lynn Moldovanos.
The Secret Life of Marilyn Monroe.  Jordan Samuel, Cliona Furey
The Spirit of Christmas
The Unauthorized Beverly Hills 90210 Story, Amber Crombach.

Best Original Score
Dangerous Company
Cleveland Abduction, Tony Morales.
Her Infidelity, Russ Howard III
Kidnapped: The Hannah Anderson Story, Matthew Janszen
*The Murder Pact, Matthew Llewellyn.*
Sugar Daddies.  Steve Gurevitch.

heather-graham-if-there-be-thorns

Best Production Design
Cleveland Abduction, Derek R. Hill.
*If There Be Thorns, Linda Del Rosario, Richard Paris.*
A Mother’s Instinct, Jason Sober.
The Murder Pact, Caley Bisson.
The Secret Life of Marilyn Monroe.  Rocco Matteo.
The Unauthroized Beverly Hills 90210 Story

Best Sound
*The Bride He Bought Online*
Dangerous Company
If There Be Thorns
Stalked By My Neighbor
UnGodly Acts
Whitney.

Best Visual Effects
Becoming Santa
If There Be Thorns
Last Chance For Christmas
*Turkey Hollow*
When the Sky Falls
Wish Upon A Christmas

Tomorrow, I’ll post my picks for the worst 16 films of 2015!

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Previous Entries In The Best of 2015:

  1. Valerie Troutman’s 25 Best, Worst, and Gems I Saw in 2015
  2. Necromoonyeti’s Top 15 Metal Albums of 2015
  3. 2015 In Review: The Best of SyFy

The Last Lifetime Film of 2015: The House Sitter (dir by Jim Issa)


There’s a very simple lesson at the heart of The House Sitter, a thriller which premiered on Lifetime on December 27th of 2015.  That lesson is be careful who you let stay in your house because she might be a psycho who steals your best bra and then has sex with your boyfriend.  It’s an important lesson, one that far too many of us learn too late.

In many ways, The House Sitter is your typical Lifetime obsession film.  An unbalanced young woman moves in with a family, learns their secrets, and then tries to destroy them.  As usual, only the daughter understands what is truly happening but, up until the final 30 minutes or so of the film, she can’t get anyone to believe her.  In fact, the psycho is so cunning that she manages to make the daughter look like she might be the crazy one.

It’s been done a thousand times in the past but, familiar as the plot may have been, The House Sitter was still a lot of fun and it’s largely due to two performances.

Ashley Dulaney plays Rebecca, a perky and almost excessively friendly house sitter who — when the family she is house sitting for returns early — subtly makes sure that everyone knows that she doesn’t have anywhere to go.

“Why not stay with us?” the family suggests.

Rebecca agrees, thanks them profusely, and soon starts to insidiously break up the family.  That Rebecca is a psycho is not a surprise.  What does distinguish her from other Lifetime psychos is just how cheerful she is about it.  Forever clad in pink and always smiling as she makes passive aggressive comments, Rebecca is somehow both totally over-the-top and totally believable at the same time.  Ashley Dulaney does a great job as Rebecca, making her into a marvel of insane efficiency.

However, with all due respect to both Rebecca and Ashley Dulaney, my favorite character in the film — and the one to whom I related — was Amy Marie (Shelby Young), the daughter who is the only member of the family not to be charmed by Rebecca.  I saw a lot of myself in Amy and it wasn’t just because we both share the same totally awesome middle name.  I also related to Amy’s “I don’t have time for this crap” attitude.  From the minute Amy appears in the movie, she’s annoyed.  She’s annoyed with her naive parents, she’s annoyed with Rebecca’s nonstop peppiness, and ultimately, she’s annoyed that someone’s trying to kill her.  Towards the end of the film, whenever Rebecca attempted to attack her, I kept expecting Amy to just roll her eyes and go, “Whatever.”  As played by Shelby Young, Amy was a Lifetime heroine to which even I could relate!

The House Sitter was the final Lifetime film to premiere in 2015!  It’s hard to believe that, starting with Damaged way back in January, I have managed to sit through and review every Lifetime film released last year.  But I did and I’ll be posting my picks for the best of the year later today!

What Lisa Watched Last Night #147: Stalked By My Doctor (dir by Doug Campbell)


Last night, I watched the second-to-last original Lifetime film of 2015, Stalked By My Doctor!

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Why Was I Watching It?

After a month of nonstop holiday cheeriness, Lifetime returned to doing what it does best.  With the premiere of Stalked By My Doctor, Lifetime announced that the melodrama was back!  There was no way that I was going to miss it.  (Of course, it also helped that the film was directed by Doug Campbell, who previously directed such classic Lifetime films as Sugar Daddies, Stalked By My Neighbor, Betrayed at 17, and The Cheating Pact.)

What Was It About?

Teenager Sophie Green (Brianna Joy Chomer) is nearly killed in a car accidents that occurred because her dumbass boyfriend was texting while driving.  Fortunately, her life is saved by the brilliant Dr. Beck (Eric Roberts).

Unfortunately, as brilliant as he may be as a doctor, Beck has some issues.  He’s a sociopath with an obsessive streak and he quickly decides that he’s in love with Sophie.  Soon, Sophie is being stalked by her doctor…

What Worked?

Oh my God, Eric Roberts was so creepy in this movie!  And I mean that in the best possible way.    Whether flashing a smile that was a bit too quick or leaning in a bit too close while having a conversation or throwing a sudden and childish fit, Eric Roberts turned Dr. Beck into the creepiest stalker in the history of creepy Lifetime stalkers.  But what made Roberts’s performance even better was that, no matter how crazy he went, you still believed that he could be a brilliant surgeon.

The film also did a good job of revealing the double standard when it comes to how society views stalkers and their victims.  No matter how insane Dr. Beck revealed himself to be, Sophie’s father was quick to 1) make an excuse for him and 2) accuse his own daughter of leading him on.

What Did Not Work?

It all worked!  This was exactly what viewers like me are looking for when we watch a Lifetime film.

“Oh my God!  Just like me!” Moments

When I was 19 years old, I was in a serious accident much like Sophie’s.  By all logic, I shouldn’t have survived.  It was raining, I wasn’t wearing my seat belt, I was driving too fast, and I was in a convertible. When I hit the car in front of me, I turned the wheel too sharply and my car flipped over and skidded, upside down, across the street.  By the time the car came to a stop, both the windshield and the door windows had shattered, showering me with broken glass.  Thankfully, since it was raining, I had the top up on the car.  Otherwise, I would have ended up with a broken neck and more. However, somehow, I only ended up with a few scrapes on my legs, a small cut on my hand, and a gash on my neck that bled a lot but didn’t sever any major veins or arteries. I didn’t have any broken bones or anything else and, my injuries meant that I’d only have to deal with some stitches and I wouldn’t be able to show off my legs for a few days.  I don’t know how I survived but I do know I was a very lucky girl!

And though my injuries were not as bad as Sophie’s (I didn’t nearly die, for instance), I did feel like the doctor at the hospital was hitting on me but who was I to complain?  He was a medical professional and I was in shock and bleeding.  He could flirt as much as he wanted as long as he made sure I didn’t end up with any disfiguring scars.

Lessons Learned

Melodramatic Lifetime is a lot more than Holiday Lifetime (though I did enjoy The Spirit Of Christmas!)

Sci-Fi Film Review: When the Sky Falls (dir by John L’Ecuyer)


I guess it’s open to debate as to whether or not When The Sky Falls is truly a science fiction movie.  It deals with a huge storm that basically produces extremely powerful lightning and the lightning occasionally appears to have a mind of its own.  I have no idea if there’s any scientific basis for this.  I don’t really understand how lightning works, other than the fact that you don’t want to stand under a tree in a lightning storm and you definitely do not want to get struck.

But, regardless of whether the film is scientifically accurate or not, I still feel like this should be considered a science fiction movie.  First off, there’s the fact that the lightning itself often does seem to be intentionally targeting the film’s heroes.  Though the film never specifically states this as fact, it does seem as if the lightning has developed enough of a personality to hold a grudge against those attempting to escape it.  Secondly, the film’s main character is an ozone researcher and that just seems like an appropriate job for a character in a science fiction film.  And finally, despite the fact that it premiered on the Lifetime Movie Network, the entire film feels like it belongs on the SyFy network.

Seriously, everything about this film — from the acting to the cheap but crudely effective special effects to the environmentalist protagonist — feels reminiscent of a pre-Sharknado SyFy film.  (It’s easy to forget that, before Sharknado, SyFy films pretended to take themselves seriously.)  The plot even follows the standard SyFy formula — a dysfunctional family spends the weekend at a cabin in the woods and end up getting separated once the big lightning storm strikes.  They start out arguing and they end up depending on each other for survival.  And, perhaps most importantly of all, Dad gets to prove that he’s not as lame as everyone thinks.  If Lifetime films all build up to that moment when everyone realizes that mom was correct, SyFy films often celebrate the uncool but capable father figure.

Perhaps the most interesting thing about When The Sky Falls is that it was even on Lifetime Movie Network to begin with.  Compared to more traditional LMN films — like Confessions of a Go-Go Girl and The Perfect TeacherWhen The Sky Falls feels a bit out-of-place.  Perhaps next year, SyFy will return the favor and produce a sequel to Back To School Mom.

But anyway, what about the film itself?  In no way can it compare to either SyFy or Lifetime at its best.  The script is predictable, the actors struggle with some seriously undeveloped characters, and the film never finds a steady pace.  Some parts of the film seem way too slow while others seem to be oddly rushed.  On the plus side, when taken on their own terms, some of the lightning effects are kind of fun and the film was shot in Canada so, at the very least, you get to see some really pretty scenery.

Seriously, I love Canada!

Love you, Canada!

Love you, Canada!

Cleaning Out The DVR: Wish Upon A Christmas (dir by Terry Ingram)


WishUponAChristmas

After finishing up with A Gift-Wrapped Christmas, it was time to move onto the final Lifetime Christmas film on my DVR, Wish Upon A Christmas.  Wish Upon A Christmas premiered on December 13th and, much like Becoming Santa, The Flight Before Christmas, and Last Chance For Christmas, it features Santa as a matchmaker.

Well, maybe it does.  Though he has the beard and the jolly attitude, the film is somewhat ambiguous as to whether or not Mr. Tomte (Kevin McNulty) is actually Santa Claus or not.  The facts certainly suggests that he may be.  Before Mr. Tomte shows up in town, Danny (Dylan Kingwell) does make a wish that Santa could bring his single father, Jesse (Aaron Ashmore), a girlfriend.  And then, one night, a bright light flashes in the sky and there’s an explosion in the distance as something crashes to the ground.  Was it a meteorite or was it Santa’s sleigh?  Who can say?  But Danny does come across a silver bauble that Mr. Tomte is somewhat desperately searching for.  Is it just a family heirloom and or is it, as Danny suspects, filled with the magic that allows Mr. Tomte to fly his sleigh?

Meanwhile, Jesse is the much beloved owner of a company that makes hand-crafted ornaments.  He inherited the business from his parents and Jesse is a big believer in tradition.  Despite the fact that it’s cutting into profits, he insists that every ornament be hand-made and that his workers take their time to make each one perfect.  His workers are so happy that they even hum Christmas carols while they’re working.

Unfortunately, the big mean corporate world does not understand what makes Jesse’s business so special.  They send efficiency expert Amelia (Larisa Oleynik) to inspect the company and make some recommendations.  Much like George Clooney in Up In the Air, Amelia makes her living by firing people and convincing them that it’s for their own good.  However, as soon as Amelia arrives in town, she finds it difficult to do her job.  For one thing, she grew up in the town and she’s always had a crush on Jesse.  Secondly, it turns out that she’s not as cold-hearted as she believes.

So, will Amelia fire everyone at the factory?  Or will Danny’s wish come true?

Well, you already know the answer.  This is a Lifetime Christmas movie and there’s nothing really surprising about it.  However — and yes, I do realize that this has become a reoccurring theme when it comes to my Lifetime Christmas movie reviews — Wish Upon A Christmas is such a sweet and good-intentioned film that it would really be silly to be overly critical of it.  You know what you’re getting when you watch a Christmas movie on Lifetime and Wish Upon A Christmas delivers.

Add to that, Kevin McNulty makes for a very likable Santa.  Next year, he should co-star in a movie with The Flight Before Christmas‘s Brian Doyle-Murray in which they play the competing Santa brothers.  It’ll be fun!