2011’s JerusalemCountdown opens with the world on the verge of destruction. Israel and a nuclear-armed Iran are negotiating in Washington and not everyone wants the two countries to be at peace.
In Chicago, Daniel (Carey Scott) watches the news of the summit and then looks out his window as his unfriendly and glowering neighbor comes and goes from his house. Daniel worries that his neighbor is up to something. He could be a member of a terrorist cell! Daniel’s wife (Jaci Velasquez) tells him to stop worrying about things that he can’t control but that’s easier said than done.
FBI agent Eve (Anna Zielinski) is approached by her father (Stacy Keach), a former intelligence agent who warns her that the end times are approaching.
Another intelligence agent, Shane Daughtery (David A.R. White) is contacted by a burned-out arms dealer (Lee Majors), who informs him that a group of terrorists are planning on setting off a series of bombs and plunging the world into war. The arms dealer is assassinated by a man who keeps reciting passages from the Book of Revelations. Meanwhile, CIA bigwig Jack Thompson (a seriously miscast Randy Travis) continually tells Shane that he can’t share too much information with him because it’s all classified….
JerusalemCountdown is a faith-based film that also tries to be an action film. In fact, I would say that far more emphasis is put on action than on faith. Until the final few minutes of the film, there’s really not much focus put on religion, other than Daniel briefly praying when he finds himself trapped in the neighbor’s house and a scene where a librarian scolds Shane and Eve for not knowing about the Ten Commandments. One major commandments, by the way, is Thou Shalt Not Kill but Shane and Eve manage to kill quite a few people in this film. Of course, they were all bad people and Shane and Eve are trying to keep the world from being plunged into a world war so I’m willing to cut them some slack.
The cast, as you may have noticed, has a number of familiar faces in it. It’s largely a nostalgia cast, the type that’s designed to make people over the age of 60 say, “Lee Majors is in this!” With the exception of Randy Travis, none of the “stars” have a particularly large role. One gets the feeling that Stacy Keach filmed his scenes in a handful of hours, collected his paycheck, and then got out of there. It’s amazing to me that Eric Roberts is somehow not in this film.
As for the film itself, it’s competently made and David A.R. White is one of the better actors amongst the Pureflix regulars. (White has even managed to maintain a semblance of dignity through five God’s Not Dead films.) That said, the film itself moves a bit slowly and the low-budget keeps the action from being as memorable as it could be. There’s a cool helicopter crash but otherwise, it’s never as exciting as it obviously wants to be and there’s a lot — and I do mean A LOT — of filler-type scenes of people talking on their phones while driving from one location to another. The plot itself feels a bit muddled and there’s a lot of loose ends left dangling, as if the film was meant to be a set up for a sequel that never came.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing The Brady Bunch Hour, which ran on ABC from 1976 to 1977. All nine episodes can be found on YouTube!
(Originally aired on January 23, 1977, Dir by Jack Regas)
I’ve discovered that the dancers who performed on each episode of The Brady Bunch Hour were known as the Kroftettes. (The show as produced by Sid and Marty Kroft and there is definitely nothing creepy about naming your performers after yourself.) The second episode of the Brady Bunch Hour opened with the Kroftettes dressed in red, white, and blue and carrying small drums. It would be a perfect look for the 4th of July but this episode aired in January.
The dancers eventually move off stage and the audience goes crazy as the announcer informs them that tonight’s episode not only stars the Bradys but also Lee Majors, Farrah Fawcett-Majors, Rip Taylor, Ann B. Davis, and …. Kaptian Kool and the Kong! Well, who wouldn’t be excited by the Kong? The Kong was apparently a musical group. With a name like that, you would hope they would at least have the decency to dress up like gorillas but instead, they appear to have just been a typical 70s prog rock outfit.
The Bradys come out on stage and start awkwardly singing a rock version of Yankee Doodle Dandy. The YouTube screenshot below isn’t the best but I think it gives you some idea of what this performance is like:
“Yankee Doodle …. Keep it up!” the family chants as the Kroftettes splash about in the pool. The audience loves it.
With the song completed, the Brady Bunch introduce themselves. Greg spends too long talking about himself and is sharply reprimanded by Carol. Cindy explains that it is now 1977. Thanks, Cindy! Fake Jan smiles and tries not to cry as she jokes around with her new family. Mike Brady explains that the Bunch has a new house. “We have a terrific new show!” Mike says. Sure you do, Mike. Carol explains that the show will only be airing once a month. “We’re only a few minutes in and we’ve already been canceled!?” Mike says.
After a reprise of Yankee Doodle Dandy, the show mercifully breaks for commercial. When the show returns, the Bradys are stepping into their new home and discovering that they have no furniture! The movers ran off with it! Luckily, Alice the Maid randomly shows up with a bunch of sleeping bags.
“Well, Mike,” Carol says, “what do we do now?”
“The only thing we can do,” Mike replies, “is hit the sack.”
Every member of the Bunch hits their sleeping bag. 9 minutes in and this show is already giving me a migraine.
Fortunately, the moving man shows up. Unfortunately, the moving man is played by a very 70s comedian named Rip Taylor.
Rip Taylor is playing Mr, Merrill. Merrill refuses to take any blame for being late with the furniture. Carol suggests that Mr. Merrill come back tomorrow. Do they want their furniture or not? Well, it really doesn’t matter because it turns out that Mr. Merrill has some other family’s furniture in his truck and the Brady furniture is still missing. Mr. Merrill promises to have their furniture tomorrow. “Let’s hit the sack,” Mike says and everyone hits their sleep bag and ….. ARRRRRRRGHHHHH!
Where was I?
Anyway, the Bradys then sing Razzle Dazzle from Chicago, with all the skill of a small town community theater chorus.
Back at the Brady House, Alice scolds Marcia for hoarding all of her dolls. Alice tells her that everyone is having to give things up. Uhmmm …. they’re just dolls, Alice. And really, why is Alice giving Marcia orders? Marcia imagines Alice as the Wicked Witch of the West and then imagines herself as Dorothy and performing Car Wash with her brothers and Rip Taylor …. wait, what? Just watch for yourself.
Hey, who doesn’t love cocaine?
Fake Jan and Peter appear and explain that the Bradys eventually got their furniture. “Look at what happened!” Peter says. We cut to the family watching Mike hang an ugly painting over the fireplace. Mike orders everyone to go to bed at 8 pm. Greg objects and Mike threatens to kill him.
Alice explains that Mike wants the kids to go to bed so that he and Carol can make love in the living room. No sooner have the children (and the maid) left than Rip Taylor shows up again and explains that he’s also the Bunch’s landlord. He says that a lovely couple is going to be staying with the Bradys over the weekend. Enter Lee Majors and Farrah Fawcett! Lee is not amused to discover that Rip Taylor has double-booked the house. “Don’t hit me, you bionic bully!” Rip Taylor shouts. When Lee explains that his other house is being fumigated, Carol says that Lee and Farrah are “welcome to stay here with us.” RUN, LEE AND FARRAH! RUN!
After a commercial break, Carol welcomes the audience back to the second half of the show. Oh my God, there’s another 30 minutes of this? “I like that we can show you the way we really are at home,” Carol says.
Back at home, the Brady kids are getting their breakfast and are stunned to discover Lee Majors and Farrah Fawcett asleep on the living room couches. (Yes, they have separate couches.) When Farrah and Lee wake up, Greg awkwardly asks for an autograph. “I don’t carry a pen in my pajamas,” Lee explains. Alice comes in and is struck speechless.
Cut to Marcia, explaining that “one of the great things about having our own show is that we get to showcase the individual talents of our family.” Marcia introduced Fake Jan, who performs Your Song. It’s the highlight of the episode because Geri Reischl, not being an original Brady, can actually sing.
Fake Jan is followed by Carol who sings Send In The Clowns, which is the type of song that is perfectly designed to bring out the worst tendencies in even the most talented of singers. That certainly happens to Florence Henderson, who has a great voice but who also totally overdoes the bathos in her performance.
Greg catches Peter flirting with a Kroftette. Greg shoves Peter in the pool. Kaptain Kool and the Kong come out and perform a song called Names. It’s not a bad song but I have to admit that I’m more worried about the possibility of Peter breaking his neck the next time his older brother throws him in the pool without warning.
It’s time for the finale and Mike asks Carol why the stage is decorated with hearts. “It’s not Valentine’s Day,” Mike says, as if he and his family didn’t open this show by celebrating Independence Day in January. Carol explains that the theme of the finale is “Young and Old.” “Young and Old hearts?” Mike asks. DAMMIT, MIKE, JUST SHUT UP AND SING!
Anyway, much as with the Wizard of Oz/Car Wash thing, this is one of those things that can’t really be described. But it can be watched:
And then, thank God, it ends!
A huge flaw with this show is that the Bradys keep telling us how much they love being a family but we know they’re not a family. We know this because they brought in a substitute Jan. As such, the sentimental moments fall flat. “We’re so proud of our sister,” the kids say before Jan comes out to sing but seriously, we know that’s not Jan. I would much rather listen to Geri Reischl sing than any other member of the Bunch but it doesn’t change the fact that we know that’s not their sister.
Another flaw is that there’s not really any point to the show, other than the Bradys have somehow managed to get their own variety show. The whole thing with Lee Majors and Farrah Fawcett is perfect example of this show’s approach to storytelling. Lee and Farrah show up at the house unannounced but it’s fine because the Bradys live in a world with zero conflict. Lee and Farrah show up. The kids are shocked. Alice is shocked. And …. well, that’s it! So much for that plotline.
One year after throwing his tin star to the ground and riding out of town in disgust at the cowardice of the citizens who he once served, former Marshal Will Kane (Lee Majors, stepping into the role that won Gary Cooper an Oscar) returns to Hadleyville with his bride, Amy (Katherine Cannon).
Hadleyville has a new sheriff. When Kane angrily left, he was replaced by J.D. Ward (Pernell Roberts), a corrupt tyrant who runs the town with an iron fist and who is more interested in making money than upholding the law. Ward is determined to collect the bounty on Ben Irons (David Carradine), a reformed outlaw who swears that he’s innocent. Kane decides to try to help Ben escape from Ward and his posse, which leads to potentially disastrous consequences for him. Will the town finally show the courage necessary to stand behind Kane or will he once again be forced to go it alone?
High Noon, Part II is a made-for-TV movie. It was obviously designed to be a pilot for a potential television series, one that would have featured the weekly adventures of Will Kane in Hadleyville. As far as made-for-TV westerns are concerned, it’s about average, neither particularly good nor bad. Lee Majors may not have been a great actor but he was believable in western roles and both Pernell Roberts and David Carradine give good performances as well. Jerry Jameson directs in a workmanlike manner. The story’s predictable but it’s a western so what do you expect?
The main problem with the film is that it’s set up to be a sequel to a film that never needed one. When Gary Cooper threw that star in the dust and climbed up on that wagon with Grace Kelly in High Noon, the whole point of the story was that Will Kane was never going to return to Hadleyville because the citizens of Hadleyville deserted him when he most needed them. Hadleyville didn’t deserve Will Kane. That’s what set High Noon apart from other westerns. Having Kane return to Hadleyville and once again pick up the tin star negates everything that made High Noon so effective. The whole point of the ending was that Will Kane was never going to return but, according to this movie, he did and forgave the town for the unforgivable. It’s impossible to watch High Noon II without thinking about how it goes against everything that the first High Noon was all about.
Oddly enough, the film’s forgettable screenplay was written by the great Elmore Leonard. Leonard did better work before this film and he would do better work afterwards.
In the near-future (the movie takes place in 2011 but it was made in 1981 and it’s 2020 today so you do the math), over half of humanity has been wiped out by a plague and America has been taken over by a totalitarian government. The government has outlawed cars and instead requires everyone to use public transportation. The are rumors that, if you can make your way to Free California, you can drive whatever and whenever you want. But to do that, you’d have to be able to drive down a highway and no one has a car!
Franklyn Hart (Lee Majors) is a former race car driver who lost his family to the plague and who now serves as an official government spokesman, encouraging people to ride public transportation and to not use fossil fuels. However, Hart doesn’t believe what he’s preaching. In fact, in a secret basement, he has a car! It’s an orange Porsche and, by breaking into junkyards at night, he’s been able to get the parts necessary to rebuild its engine. His plan is to show up the government by driving the Porsche across the country, all the way to California. Accompanying Franklyn will be Ring McCarthy (Chris Makepeace), a bullied teenage computer expert who needs a father figure. That sounds like a job for Lee Majors!
With Franklyn now driving across the country, the government knows that they have to stop him! But how? Because all of the other cars have been destroyed, the police have to ride around on golf carts that can’t keep up with a Porsche. Since they’re apparently not a very well-organized group of fascists, they also don’t have any drones, bombs, or apparently anything else that they could use to take the incredibly conspicuous race car that is driving across America. The government turns to J.G. Williams (Burgess Meredith), mostly because Williams owns a fighter plane that was last used in the Korean War. Williams agrees to stop Franklyn and Ring but secretly, he finds himself sympathizing with their cause.
The most interesting thing about The Last Chase is the idea of California becoming a libertarian paradise where the residents are rebelling against overly stringent environmental regulations. That alone makes this a fun film to watch on Earth Day. Unfortunately, The Last Chase never really lives up to its intriguing premise. Ironically, for a film called The Last Chase, there just aren’t enough chase scenes. Instead, the movie spends a lot of time on Ring needing a father figure and Franklyn needing a new family to replace the one that he lost and who wants to see that when you could be watching an orange Porsche racing down the highway? This is a movie that calls out for a Mad Max approach but instead, it’s more of an After School special about accepting your stepfather and running away with him to California. It’s a strange message but at least the car’s cool.
Andy Crocker (Lee Majors) is a earnest young Texan who enlists in Vietnam, is injured in a firefight, and returns home with a purple heart. Upon landing in California, he discovers that America has changed. A group of hippies (led by Stuart Margolin, who also wrote this film’s script and the folk-style song that’s played throughout the action) taunts him for wearing his uniform. After Andy steals a motorcycle from them and makes his way back down to Dallas, he discovers that his girlfriend, Lisa (Joey Heatherton), has left him for another man and that his best friend (played by singer Jimmy Dean) has sold Andy’s business. Lisa’s mother (Agnes Moorehead) orders Andy to stay away from her family while she’s skeet shooting. Even though everyone tells him how proud they are of him, no one seems to want Andy around. Finally, Andy ends up back in California without any direction home.
This made-for-television movie (which was produced by Aaron Spelling) was important in that it was the first film to attempt to explore the issues that would face servicemen as they returned home after serving in an unpopular war. It was actually meant to be a pilot for a series called Corporal Crocker, which would have followed Andy Crocker as he traveled across the country, Route 66-style. Since the series wasn’t picked up, The Ballad of Andy Crocker instead becomes a downbeat look at a man discovering that he no longer has any place in the world. It’s only 72-minutes long so it doesn’t examine any issues in depth but it’s still sincere in its intentions and Lee Majors gives a good performance in the lead role. Andy Crocker is an interesting character. Despite the fact that he just returned from fighting in it, he doesn’t seem to have any strong opinion about the war in Vietnam. He’s hardly a pacifist and he does steal a motorcycle but, at the same time, he’s not a gung ho warrior either. He’s just an ordinary man who is trying to figure out where he fits in. By the end of the movie, he’s more scarred by society’s indifference than he has been by the war.
Keep an eye out for Marvin Gaye, who has a small role as Crocker’s best friend from Vietnam.
Mike Gable (Lee Majors) is the angriest cop in Galveston, famous for tossing people out of windows. Jake (Don Rickles!) is Gable’s partner, who seems to be too old to still be on the force. Gable’s best friend is Keaton (Abe Vigoda), a retired mobster who now lives in a nursery home. When it becomes apparent that someone has put a hit out on Keaton, Gable and Jake are sent to investigate. A shoot out at the nursery home leads to Jake’s death. Another shoot out at a hotel leads to the death of several other cops. Gable can either toss Keaton out a window or he can team up with him to solve the murders. Imagine 48 Hours with Lee Majors replacing Nick Nolte and Eddie Murphy stepping aside for Abe Vigoda.
In the style of both 48 Hours and Midnight Run, Keaton’s Cop tries to combine comedy with action but the comedy is too lame to be funny and the action is too brutal to be light-hearted. For some reason, Don Rickles plays his role completely straight while Abe Vigoda mostly just looks happy to have the chance to play a leading role for once. Lee Majors is believable as an angry cop, mostly because he appears to be pissed off about having to appear in Keaton’s Cop. It can’t be easy to go from being the Six Million Dollar Man to a movie like this.
“Who are the other two lugs on this poster? And who’s the dame? Baby, I just don’t give a damn…” Robert Mitchum in Agency.
Like a lot of writers who occasionally have issues when it comes to balancing ambition with time management, I’ve discovered that it helps if I listen to music while I write. For instance, while writing the majority of the reviews for Shattered Politics, I’ve been listening to Big Data’s Dangerous.
And that choice of music has actually turned out to be extremely appropriate. No, not just because it’s dangerous to write about politics. But also because the official music video for Dangerous deals with advertising and, more specifically, how sex and violence are used to sell everything from shoes to politicians.
Now, I don’t know about you but, whenever I see that video, I feel like I’m ready to put on a sports bra, running shorts, and of course my Big Data running shoes so that I can take control and headbutt my way through life! A good commercial can do that. (And don’t even get me started on what I’m going to do to the next person I see eating a hot dog…)
Interestingly enough, the 47th film that I’m reviewing for Shattered Politics also deals with the power of advertising. First released in 1980, Agency stars Robert Mitchum as Ted Quinn, the mysterious new owner of a major ad company. Out of all of the old school movie stars, Robert Mitchum is one of my favorites because he was not only a great actor but he was also a very honest one. If he didn’t give a damn about a role, he wasn’t going to try to fool the audience otherwise. Instead, he was going to deliver his lines and kind of smirk with his eyes, his way of subliminally asking the audience, “Are you actually watching this shit?” And while this may have led to Mitchum giving several performances that were unworthy of his talent, it also means that if you see Robert Mitchum actually invested in a role than that means the film must be something really special.
Unfortunately, Agency is not one of those “something really special” films. And Mitchum’s bored performance reflects that fact.
“Just try to make me care.” Robert Mitchum in Agency.
Anyway, under Ted Quinn’s leadership, the ad agency is doing commercials for all the usual clients. The movie starts with one of those commercials — a leather-themed, disco-scored short film extolling the virtues of No Sweat deodorant. And then there’s also the big chocolate energy drink commercial. However, copywriter Sam Goldstein (Saul Rubinek) suspects that Ted might have sinister motives. After a right-wing candidate comes out of nowhere to win a seat in the U.S. Senate, Sam suspects that the deodorant commercial may have contained subliminal messages…
That’s right! It’s exactly like that episode of Saved By The Bell where Zack Morris brainwashed Mr. Belding by giving him that subliminally-spiked tape of the Beach Boys.
Well, before you can say “Zack Morris is a blonde Tom Cruise,” Sam has been murdered and it’s up to Sam’s best friend, Philip Morgan (Lee Majors), to reveal the truth about Ted’s sinister agenda…
Like many U.S.-set thrillers from the 1980s, Agency was actually a Canadian film. Montreal stands in for an unnamed American city where it frequently snows and the supporting cast is full of actors with noticeable Canadian accents. Mind you, that’s not a complaint. I love Canada, I love Canadians, and I especially love Canuxploitation films.
That said, Agency is probably one of the least interesting Canadian thrillers that I’ve ever sat through. (I should add, of course, that I saw Agency on a very low-quality DVD that was released by Miracle Pictures. And I really do have to say that this was absolutely one of the worst transfers that I’ve ever seen. It appears that the DVD was copied from an old VHS tape.) It’s not so much that it’s a terrible film as much as it’s just not a very interesting one. With the exception of Rubinek, the actors go through the motions with little enthusiasm and the story plods along. Maybe back in 1980, the whole idea of subliminal advertising seemed exciting and relevant. But seen today, it just all seems incredibly silly.
So, in the end, Agency did not make me want to headbutt my way through life.
Sorry.
(I still love you, Canada!)
(And you too, Robert Mitchum!)
“Baby, I just don’t give a damn.” Robert Mitchum in Agency.
But, as far as simple-minded teen sex comedies, are concerned, it’s not that bad.
Brad Kimble (Will Friedle) is a nice but dorky high school student who, for years, has had a crush on an unattainable cheerleader, Brooke (Marley Shelton). When Brad is invited over to Brooke’s house to tutor her in biology, he arrives just after Brooke has had a fight with her jock boyfriend, Kyle (Eric Balfour sans facial hair). Soon, Brooke and Brad are making out. Brooke asks Brad if he has a condom. Of course, if Brad did have a condom, there wouldn’t be a movie. The rest of the movie deals with Brad’s attempt to not only find a condom in California and but to also get back to Brooke.
(Apparently, in the 1990s, there was some sort of sudden condom shortage in California. That’s all that I can guess after having seen Trojan War.)
Of course, that’s not as easy as it sounds. Brad’s car (actually, it’s his dad’s car) gets stolen. Brad ends up having a run in with a crazy homeless man (David Patrick Kelly) who — in a rather obvious shout out to Better Off Dead — wants two dollars. Brad gets chased by a crazy dog. Brad has to deal with a cameo appearance by a crazy Kathy Griffin. Brad runs into a crazy bus driver (played by Anthony Michael Hall). Brad ends up being pursued by a crazy police officer (Lee Majors). And since the film itself is a bit of an unacknowledged remake of Some Kind of Wonderful, Brad is also pursued by his not crazy best friend, Leah (Jennifer Love Hewitt, who I’ve always liked because we’re both Texas girls and I share her struggle). Leah is in love with Brad and Brad is in love with Leah. He’s just not smart enough to realize it.
And indeed, that’s the key to understanding the plot of Trojan War. Brad is just not that smart. This is one of those films where the great majority of Brad’s problems could have been avoided if Brad just wasn’t a moron. Fortunately, Brad is played by Will Friedle who was always the best part of Boy Meets World and who displays the unique ability to make stupidity cute. Friedle is so likable as Brad that you’re willing to forgive the film for a lot.
That doesn’t mean that Trojan War is necessarily a good movie. It’s likable but it’s never really good. For every joke that works, there’s one that doesn’t. I could have really done without the extended sequence where Brad gets lost over on the bad side of town and the movie suddenly trots out every negative Latino stereotype imaginable. But, when the movie just concentrates on Will Friedle and Jennifer Love Hewitt, it’s likable enough to waste 90 minutes on.
If nothing else, it’s certainly more entertaining than most movies that made less than 400 dollars at the box office.
Mike Gable (Lee Majors) is the angriest cop in Galveston, famous for tossing people out of windows. Jake (Don Rickles!) is Gable’s partner, who seems to be too old to still be on the force. Gable’s best friend is Keaton (Abe Vigoda), a retired mobster who now lives in a nursery home. When it becomes apparent that someone has put a hit out on Keaton, Gable and Jake are sent to investigate. A shoot out at the nursery home leads to Jake’s death. Another shoot out at a hotel leads to the death of several other cops. Gable can either toss Keaton out a window or he can team up with him to solve the murders. Imagine 48 Hours with Lee Majors replacing Nick Nolte and Eddie Murphy stepping aside for Abe Vigoda.
Through the Shattered Lens 