Tonight, for our horror on the lens, we have the seventeenth episode of the 2nd season of Friday the 13th: The Series!
In tonight’s episode, Denis Forest plays a gambler who gets an cursed 1919 World Series Ring! It allows him to pick all the winners but it’s fueled, as these cursed antiques often are, by murder! Anyway, consider how excited my sister is over the World Series starting tonight, I had to go with this episode!
This episode originally aired on April 15th, 1989.
The 1964 film, The Naked Witch, opens with a prologue that explains the role of witchcraft throughout the ages. That, in itself, is not surprising. A lot of supernaturally-themed films opens with a prologue that’s designed to give the film some sort of historical basis. It’s one of the oldest tricks in the book. Give your cheap film some credibility by claiming that it’s “based on a true story.”
What sets The Naked Witch apart is that the prologue just goes on and on. For ten minutes, we stare at Bosch paintings while an officious sounding narrator discusses the history of witchcraft. The paintings are effectively macabre but it all goes on for so long that you can’t help but get the feeling that the prologue was mostly added to pad out the running time. It’s almost as if director Larry Buchanan was basically admitting that he didn’t really have enough of an actual story to justify a feature-length running time. Of course, this shouldn’t come as a shock to anyone who is familiar with Larry Buchanan’s filmography.
Once the narration finally ends, we find ourselves watching The Student (Robert Short) as he drives through central Texas. The Student suddenly takes over the narration, telling us that he’s driving through the Texas German Counties. He’s visiting towns and counties that were founded by German settlers. The townspeople all have German names. Most of them still speak German in private. They all dress like they’ve just returned from a night at a Munich beer hall. Interestingly enough, these counties and towns do actually exist, though I’ve never seen anyone casually wearing lederhosen or a dirndl in Central Texas. Of course, this film was made a bit before my time so maybe that used to be a tradition back in 1964. Maybe people stopped doing it after The Naked Witch came out. Or, even more intriguingly, maybe people stopped doing because The Naked Witch came out. We’ll probably never know for sure.
Anyway, the Student is kind of an idiot because he manages to run out of gas while driving out in the middle of nowhere. I guess it didn’t occur to him to fill up the tank before trying to drive through a largely empty stretch of land. Leaving his car behind, he manages to walk to the real-life town of Luckenbach, Texas. He’s shocked to discover the none of the townspeople want to talk about long-dead witch that was supposedly buried in town. Why, it’s almost as if the people of Luckenbach understand that it’s not a good idea to brag about living under the threat of a supernatural curse.
Largely due to the Student’s stupidity, the Witch (played by Libby Hall) comes back from the dead. She’s naked, which I imagine was probably the film’s main selling point back in 1964. The Witch wants revenge on the descendants of the people who put her to death. The Students just wants to hook up with The Witch.
And that’s really pretty much it. Even by the admittedly low standard set by Larry Buchanan’s other films, the plot of The Naked Witch is pretty much impossible to follow. It’s incoherent and yet, strangely enough, that incoherence sometime works in the film’ favor. The atmospheric Texas landscape, when combined with the overly theatrical performance of Libby Hall, gives the film a dream-like feel. Even the fact that the film features three separate narrators all contribute to the movie’s surreal style. At its best, The Naked Witch is an existential mood piece. At its worst, it’s just a really bad, zero-budget drive-in movie.
The Naked Witch is an odd film but, if you’re looking for a ten minute history on witchcraft followed by a Texas travelouge, the film might be for you.
The 2020 Taiwanese film, The Bridge Curse, is …. well, I don’t quite know how to describe it. It’s a horror film. It’s a found footage film. It’s a ghost film. What it’s not is a particularly memorable film.
It opens with a reporter and her cameraman doing a story on five college students who disappeared after visiting a bridge that is reputed to be haunted by the vengeful spirit of a young girl. There’s a good deal of “found footage”, featuring shaky shots of the students either heading to the bridge or running around campus. And then there’s frequent flashbacks to what actually happened, which basically amounts to slightly less shaky shots of the students either heading to the bridge or running around campus. The important thing is that everything always seems to lead back to the same bridge. The bridge has a curse, by the way. The title is not a lie.
This is one of those films that’s so derivative of other horror films that, as you watch it, you really can’t bring yourself to believe that there isn’t some grand twist hiding somewhere in the film. I watched all 87 minutes of this film, waiting for something to happen that would take me by surprise. By the 20th minute, I was prepared to get on my knees and pray for a surprise. 30 minutes in, I was offering to donate 25% of my next paycheck to charity. After an hour, I was angry and I announced that I actually didn’t care whether the film was going to surprise me or not. 75 minutes in, I admitted that a surprise would be nice but if I didn’t get one, that would be okay. 81 minutes in, I yelled, “PLEASE! SURPRISE ME!” 82 minutes in, I took a break, grabbed a Coke, and played with the cat. 84 minutes in, I announced, “Surprise!,” hope in would be a self-fulfilling prophecy. However, the much hoped-for surprise never happened. Instead, this is just a standard stalker ghost film featuring a bunch of personality-lacking college students being chased around campus by a ghost who is soaking wet. Perhaps if someone would just offer the ghost a towel, a lot of trouble could be avoided.
However, despite the fact that the movie is about as predictable as the leaves changing colors in the fall, The Bridge Curse does have a few effective jump scares. The ghost looks creepy and it has a habit of suddenly appearing in the shadows. The ghost made me jump a few times. That said, the movie’s story certainly didn’t stick with me. It’s been about 30 minutes since I watched the film and it’s already disappearing from my memory. The ghost might grab you but the movie never does. It ends with the promise of a sequel but I can’t imagine what else there’s left to do with this story. I guess more students can go hang out on the bridge but, at some point, you would think people would notice that spending the night on the bridge is a one way ticket to terror. Personally, I’d probably just find a different bridge to visit, one that doesn’t have a history of tragedy and mystery. But that’s just me.
The Bridge Curse isn’t terrible as much as it’s just blandly forgettable. It can currently be viewed on Netflix.
Do you all remember Wishmaster?
Played by Andrew Divoff, the Wishmaster was a genie (or a djinn) who made his film debut in the 1997 film of the same name. The Djinn’s schtick is to randomly approach people and say something like, “Would you like to be rich?” or “Would you like all of your enemies to suffer?” He grants wishes but he does so in ironic ways. So, if you say want to be rich, you might very well turn into someone named Rich who is on the verge of getting hit by a bus. If you say that you want to escape from your mundane life, you might end up in a straight-jacket under water, struggling to perform one of Harry Houdini’s signature escapes.
I rewatched Wishmaster a few months ago and what I immediately discovered was the the Djinn wasn’t really that good at his job. He pretended to be clever in the way that he would fool humans but, honestly, it often seemed less like he was tricking people and more like he really wasn’t playing fair. Take the security guard who made the mistake of wishing for an escape. As I just mentioned, The Djinn immediately put him underwater in a straight-jacket. But the guard’s wish was not to have to escape. The guard’s wish was to simply escape. So, putting him in a life-and-death situation and telling him to figure it out for himself wasn’t fulfilling the guard’s wish. It just seemed like the Djinn wanted to drown someone and he decided to use his wish-granting job as an excuse.
The guard, by the way, was played by Tony Todd, one of the many horror icons who appeared in small roles in Wishmaster. (Today, Tony Todd is best known for the Final Destination films but, when Wishmaster came out, he was known for playing the Candyman.) Among the other cameos:
From Phantasm, Angus Scrimm provided the narration while Reggie Bannister played an unlucky pharmacist.
From Friday the 13th, Kane Hodder played a security guard who made the mistake of saying that he wished he could see the Djinn try to walk straight through him.
Day of the Dead’s Joseph Pilato played a crane operator.
John Carpenter vet George “Buck” Flower played an angry homeless man.
Sam Raimi’s brother, Ted Raimi, showed up long enough to get crushed by a crate.
And finally, Robert Englund played the somewhat pretentious professor who was responsible for bringing the Djinn to America in the first place.
As you can probably guess by looking at all of the cameos, Wishmaster is not a film that’s meant to be taken seriously. It’s often deliberately campy. Wes Craven may have produced it and was undoubtedly responsible for recruiting many of the actors who appeared in it but the film’s direction was handled by special effects maestro, Robert Kurtzman and he puts more emphasis on the visual effects than on any sort of serious exploration of the somewhat random series of events that make up the film’s storyline. Of course, when seen today, the film’s special effects look a bit cheap but, for many viewers (like me!), that’s actually a part of the film’s grisly charm.
Wishmaster does have a plot but it’s not particularly important. The Djinn tries to make Alexandra (Tammy Lauren) make three wishes so that he can unleash the forces of Hell. Why he spends all of his time granting wishes to other people instead of just concentrating on Alex is never really explained. It may be an often dumb movie but it’s also undeniably entertaining when taken on its own terms. Andrew Divoff is enjoyably sinister as the Djinn, playing the character with a sarcastic wit to go along with his evil schemes. It’s a fun movie to watch, even if it does feel like it was basically slapped together in a handful of days.
You should always be careful what you wish for but Wishmaster is still an entertaining piece of 90s horror.
(Author’s Note: Wow, this is embarrassing. Right after I posted this review, I discovered that I previously reviewed Wishmaster in 2018! Whoops! Well, it’s nice to see that my thoughts on the film have remained consistent. — LMB)
Marvel Spotlight was a comic books that existed so Marvel could introduce new characters and showcase heroes who were being considered for a full time series. Think of it as being the Marvel equivalent of pilot season. In August, 1972, Marvel Spotlight #5 introduced the world to Johnny Blaze, the motorcyclist who once made a deal with the devil. Johnny Blaze was better known as Ghost Rider!
While riding through Manhattan on his motorcycle, Johnny spots two criminals committing a murder. He wants nothing to do with it and tries to drive away. The two criminals follow him and corner him in an alley. And then this happens:
The rest of the story is simple. Ghost Rider makes flames emerge from the ground. The criminals, who are named Clyde and Dingbat, run away. How does one criminal end up named Clyde while the the other has to settle for Dingbat? The rest of the issue is a flashback, telling how stuntman Johnny Blaze sold his soul to Satan (later revealed to be a disguise of frequent villain Mephisto) in order to save the life of his cancer-stricken stepfather Crash Simpson. Though Crash survives the cancer, he still dies when he attempts a dangerous stunt. Satan still wants Johnny’s soul but is vanquished by Roxanne, Crash’s daughter who is pure of soul and has been reading up on occult practices. However, every night, Johnny is transformed into Ghost Rider.
It’s nothing complicated but, from such humble beginnings, legends are born!
Marvel Spotlight Vol.1 Issue 5 (August, 1972)
Writer — Gary Friedrich
Penciler — Mike Ploog
Inker — Mike Ploog
Colorist— Mike Ploog
Letterer — Jon Costa
Editors — Stan Lee and Roy Thomas
Previous Great Moments In Comic Book History:
Will that be seven S’s or only six?
College student David Blake (Dirk Benedict) gets a job working as an assistant to Dr. Carl Stoner (Strother Martin). Dr. Stoner is an expert on reptiles and he is very concerned that man will not be able to survive if the Earth suffers any sort of environmental change. When he hires David, he only has two requirements for the young man. David is not to date Stoner’s daughter, Kristina (Heather Menzies) and David has to take an injection every day of a serum that will protect him from snake venom, or so Carl says.
What David doesn’t know is that Carl is a damn liar and his plan for saving humanity is to turn people into Snakemen! Snakes can survive anything so why wouldn’t human want to be more like them? Soon, David’s face is getting scaly and Kristina is discovering what really happened to her father’s previous assistant.
Sssssss tries to take its story seriously and the snake makeup is cool and creepy but the movie itself moves too slowly. It makes the mistake of worrying about convincing us that the story is plausible when it should just be focusing on snake action. There are some good scenes, like when Kristina tracks down David’s predecessor and Strother Martin is convincing as the mad scientist. If you thought Strother Martin was just capable of playing outlaws and corrupt cops, this movie may surprise you. I also liked the ending, which only seems ambiguous. It’s easy to see what’s going to happen after the end credits roll.
Richard Zanuck and David Brown produced this film. It did well enough at the box office that they decided to produce another nature-gone-mad movie. That one was named Jaws.
From the end of World War II to 2007, the UK’s Central Office of Information used to produced Public Information Films (known as PIFs), which would often air on television during children’s programming. These were the British equivalent of the “More You Know” PSAs that appear on American television. A typical PIF would deal with a safety issue, warning children to be careful crossing the street or while visiting a farm or when thinking of sticking a fork into an electrical socket.
One of the most notorious PIFs was first broadcast in February of 1977 and aired for several years after that. Apaches traumatized an entire generation of British children while teaching them about what not to do while visiting a farm. Danny tells the story of how six young children played “Apaches” on a nearby farm and how things did not turn out well for any of them. What made this PIF more traumatic than similar PIFs was the nonchalant reactions of both the children and the adults. Each farm accident is followed by a clinical clearing away of that children’s possessions and then the child is forgotten about. It doesn’t occur to anyone to do anything to make the farms safer.
Still, this PIF probably kept a lot of children safe while also inspiring many nightmares. Director John MacKenzie went on to direct Bob Hoskins and Helen Mirren in The Long Good Friday, which is considered to be one of the finest British crime films ever made.
Previous Great Moments In Television History:
Plane Walker is an entrant in 2021 Interactive Fiction competition. Browse and experience all of the games by clicking here.
You have just woken up on a plane. You have no idea how you got on the plane. You have no idea where the plane is going. You’re not even sure who you are. But you know that you need to figure out what’s going on and how to fly a plane!
I enjoyed playing this Inform game. The premise was interesting. The descriptions were vivid, well-written, and witty. The game was puzzle-heavy, as most Inform games are. As I’ve said before, the puzzles are usually my downfall when it comes to Interactive Fiction and some of the puzzles in Plane Walker are difficult to solve on your own. Fortunately, the game comes with a walk-through. Most importantly, the game pays off in the end. The mystery is worth solving.
Okay, so it’s not Halloween yet.
But it is close! And, even more importantly, it’s Pumpkin Day! So, in honor of all of the holidays that we celebrate this week, here’s a classic song and scene from 1993’s The Nightmare Before Christmas!
Goddammit, Jean let everyone down again!
Jean is at the center of The Procrastinator, a short educational film from 1952. Jean has a history of putting stuff off and letting down her friends, her parents, her peers, and probably the entire state of Kansas as well. Still, despite the fact that Jean has repeatedly shown that she can’t be trusted with any responsibility, her fellow students decide to give her some responsibility. When Jean continues to procrastinate, they all get mad at her but you know what? Is it really Jean’s fault that they gave her a job that she obviously couldn’t handle?
What I’m saying is stop being so judgmental! Everyone has their own way. Some people get things done early. Some people wait until the last minute. And then there are people like me who make plans to do everything early but who still end up waiting until the last second regardless. For example, my original plan for this year was to write all of my Horrorthon reviews in May and June and then spend October in a state of blissful relaxation. Needless to say, that didn’t happen. But, to be honest, I kind of enjoy the pressure of having to get things done at the last minute. I do my best work under pressure, I think.
Now, if you’re wondering why I’m sharing this video in October, it’s because this film was directed by Herk Harvey. Harvey made a career out of directing short educational films but, to horror audiences, he’s best known for directing a classic horror film called Carnival of Souls. Carnival of Souls is a film that I’ll be sharing in a few days. On the surface, The Procrastinator may not appear to have much in common with Carnival of Souls. However, I think you can compare Jean’s refusal to do things in a timely fashion to Candace Hilligoss’s refusal to accept the reason for why she keeps seeing ghosts following her everywhere she goes. So, in way, both of these films take place in the same universe. Call it the Herkiverse.
Watch and decide for yourself!
Through the Shattered Lens 