Film Review: Any Which Way You Can (dir by Buddy Van Horn)

Posted on May 31, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

In this 1980 sequel to Every Which Way But Loose, Philo and his orangutan Clyde are still living next door to Orville (Geoffrey Lewis) and his mother (Ruth Gordon). Philo is still working as a truck driver but he’s becoming far better known as a bare-knuckles brawler. In fact, when another famous fighter named Jack Wilson (William Smith), moves to the area, everyone assumes that Jack wants to challenge Philo. It turns out that Jack’s actually a pretty nice guy. He and Philo become jogging buddies.

Remember Lynn Halsey-Taylor (Sondra Locke), the extremely self-centered singer who broke Philo’s heart in the first film? Well, she’s back and she’s changed her ways. When she and Philo meet in a bar, Lynn apologizes to him for her past behavior and soon, she and Philo are a couple again. Booo! Seriously, Eastwood and Locke somehow have even less chemistry here than they did in the first film. (Again, Locke and Eastwood were in a relationship at the time, which makes their total lack of chemistry even more interesting to consider.) Everyone in the film is surprisingly forgiving of Lynn, considering that she was portrayed as being nearly sociopathic in the previous film. Even Clyde seems to be happy to have her back. Of course, Clyde gets to have a romance of his own, with another orangutan. Clyde has sex with his partner while Philo and Lynne fool around in the room next door. It’s …. kind of weird.

Anyway, the Mafia really wants Philo and Jack to fight so they decide to kidnap Lynn in order to force the fight to happen. Instead, Jack and Philo team up to rescue Lynn and to put those gangsters in their place. That might sound dramatic but this film is very much a redneck comedy so these are probably the least intimidating mafia soldier that I’ve ever seen. Just as the previous film’s outlaw bikers (and they also make a return appearance in this film) were too buffoonish to be truly menacing, the same is true of the Mafia in this film.

In the end, Philo and Jack do have a fight but it’s under their own terms and, afterwards, they accompany each other to the hospital. It’s kind of a nice moment, really. Even after beating the hell out of each other and causing more than a few broken bones, Philo and Jack are still friends. It’s a nice touch that Jack was played by William Smith, who was a bit of a low-budget version of Clint Eastwood.

Indeed, with Geoffrey Lewis relegated to a supporting role and Sondra Locke abducted by the mafia, the friendship between Philo and Jack becomes the heart of the film and if there is really anything that makes this film memorable, it’s the scenes that Eastwood shares with William Smith. These two tough guys actors seem to have a natural understanding of each other and their friendship and mutual respect feels real. They may fight but it’s only out respect for each other. It’s a shame that Eastwood and Smith didn’t team up for more films.

Any Which Way You Can is an amiable comedy. It’s not as much fun as Every Which Way But Loose. Beverly D’Angelo’s Echo is missed but she was presumably busy filming Coal Miner’s Daughter at the time. The film works best as a buddy movie. Clint Eastwood, William Smith, Geoffrey Lewis, and an orangutan. What a team!

Film Review: Every Which Way But Loose (dir by James Fargo)

Posted on May 31, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

In 1978’s Every Which Way But Loose, Clint Eastwood plays Philo Beddoe.

Philo’s an ordinary guy with beautiful hair and a way with throwing punches. He’s a truck driver. He enjoys a cold beer. He enjoys country music. He makes some extra money by taking part in bare-knuckle brawls. Everyone says that he could be the next Tank Murdock, a legendary fighter. Philo is just a simple, blue collar guy who lives in a small house, next door to his best friend Orville (Geoffrey Lewis) and Orville’s profanity-loving mother (Ruth Gordon). Philo also owns an orangutan named Clyde. He saved Clyde from being sent to live in a “desert zoo.”

(Actually, now that I think about it, most blue collar guys don’t own monkeys but whatever. Clyde’s cute and Eastwood’s Eastwood.)

When Philo meets a country singer named Lynn Halsey-Taylor (Sondra Locke), he is immediately smitten. When Lynn disappears and leaves Philo a cryptic note, Philo decides to go looking for her. Clyde, Orville, and Philo hit the road. Along the way, Orville meets and picks up a woman named Echo (Beverly D’Angelo). This is a road movie so, of course, Clyde, Orville, Philo, and Echo have their adventures on the way to Colorado. They end running afoul both a corrupt cop and a gang of buffoonish bikers. Philo enters a fight whenever they need money and one occasionally gets the feeling that Eastwood took this role to show off the fact that, for someone approaching 50, he still looked good without a shirt on. And good for him! Because, seriously, Clint does look good in this movie….

I have to admit that, for all of my attempts at sophistication, my roots are in the country and I’ve traveled down enough dirt roads that I find it hard to resist a good redneck story. And really, there aren’t many films that as proudly and unashamedly redneck than Every Which Way But Loose. It’s a film that has a laid back, take-it-as-it-comes vibe to it. Philo may be looking for Lynn but he seems to be okay with taking a few detour along the way. There’s no real sense of urgency to any part of the movie. Instead, Every Which Way But Loose was made for people who like a cold beer at the end of the day and who find Ruth Gordon to be hilarious when she curses. Myself, I don’t drink. That’s one part of the country lifestyle that passed me over. But I did enjoy seeing Ruth Gordon cuss out the Nazi biker gang.

Eastwood, Lewis, and D’Angelo have a likable chemistry and the monkey’s cute. Unfortunately, Sondra Locke isn’t particularly well-cast in the role of Lynn. (Considering that she was in a relationship with Eastwood, it’s amazing how little chemistry they have in this movie.) As I watched the film, it occurred to me that it probably would have worked better if Locke and D’Angelo had switched roles. Locke’s character is supposed to be a femme fatale type but she gives a boring performance and, as a result, the revelation that Philo has misjudged her doesn’t really carry any emotional weight.

That said, this film features some beautiful shots of the wilderness, a charming romance between Lewis and D’Angelo, and a shirtless Clint Eastwood beating folks up. That’s more than enough to please this secret country girl.

Retro Television Review: Indict & Convict (dir by Boris Sagal)

Posted on May 26, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Sundays, I will be reviewing the made-for-television movies that used to be a primetime mainstay. Today’s film is 1974’s Indict & Convict! It can be viewed on YouTube.

There’s been a murder!

The wife of Assistant District Attorney Sam Belden (William Shatner) has been found, shot to death. Making things especially awkward is that the body of her lover is found next to her. Though Belden is the obvious suspect, he has an alibi for the time of the murders. He claims that he was in Las Vegas, attending a convention. Two gas station attendants remember seeing him filling up his car with gas at around the same time that his wife and her lover was being shot.

Attorney General Timothy Fitzgerald (Ed Flanders) is not so sure that Belden is innocent. He instructs two of his top prosecutors to check out Belden’s story and to see if there’s enough evidence to not only indict but also to convict. Bob Matthews (George Grizzard) is a veteran prosecutor and he’s the one who narrates the story for us. Assisting him is Mike Belano, who is played by the always likable Reni Santoni. Just three years before this movie aired, Santoni played Harry Callahan’s partner in Dirty Harry. There was just something about Santoni’s friendly but determined demeanor that made him perfect the role of the supportive partner or assistant.

The film is very much a legal procedural, with the emphasis on not only the investigation but also on the strategies and the techniques that are used in the courtroom by Matthews and defense attorney DeWitt Foster (Eli Wallach). In many ways, it feels like a forerunner to Law & Order. Usually, I love court procedurals but Indict & Convict was a bit too slow and high-minded for its own good. Maybe it’s because I’ve been spoiled by all of the legal shows that I’ve seen but I have to admit that I spent a good deal of Indict & Convict wanting the prosecutors to get on with it. Flanders, Grizzard, Santoni, and Wallach were all ideally cast but the film itself sometimes got bogged down with all the debate about the best way to win a conviction. It’s a shame because the story itself is an intriguing one and I actually enjoyed the movie’s use of spinning newspaper headlines to let us know what had happened in between scenes. Also, as a classic film fan, I enjoyed seeing Myrna Loy as the judge. She didn’t get to do much other than say, “Sustained” and “Overruled,” but still …. Myrna Loy!

Most people who watch this film will probably do so out of the hope of seeing some trademark Shatner overacting. William Shatner doesn’t actually get to say much in this film. He spends most of the running time sitting silently at the defense table. Towards the end, he does finally get a chance to deliver a brief speech and it’s everything you could hope for. Shatner takes dramatic pauses. Shatner emphasizes random words. Every line is delivered with the subtext of, “Pay attention, Emmy voters!” Eventually, Shatner would learn the value of laughing at oneself but apparently, that lesson had not yet been learned when he did Indict & Convict.

Retro Television Reviews: The Last Child (dir by John Llewellyn Moxey)

Posted on January 15, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to the “near future.”

Panicked by hysterical claims about overpopulation and environmental catastrophe, Americans have sacrificed the majority of their civil liberties. Smiling policeman stand on every corner and in every public hallway. Of course, once their authority is challenged, those smiles quickly disappear. Crude posters have been put up everywhere, demanding that everyone watch their consumption of natural resources. The social engineers and the eugenicists are in charge. Anyone over the age of 65 is ineligible for medical care and encouraged to consider euthanasia. Couples are allowed to have only one child and the government requires that anyone who gets pregnant a second time have an abortion. Anyone who questions the policy is told that they have no choice but to follow the law. It’s their civic duty. The media, meanwhile, runs headlines declaring that the one child policy has led to world peace.
Alan and Karen Miller (played by Michael Cole and Janet Margolin) have already had their one child. That their child died shortly after birth doesn’t matter in the eyes of Barstow (Ed Asner), the Himmleresque head of the Population Control Police. Every couple is allowed one child and that’s it. When Karen gets pregnant a second time, she is determined to have the baby. She and Alan know that their only hope is to cross the border into Canada. Helping them is a retired U.S. Senator (Van Heflin, in his final performance) who is opposed to the government’s policies. Caught in the middle of Karen’s brother, Howard (Harry Guardino). Howard works for the Population Control Police and he knows just how far Barstow is willing to go to keep Karen from having her baby.

The Last Child opens with a title card informing us that the film takes place in the “not-too-distant future.” Along with all of the propaganda posters, that’s the only real sign that this film is meant to be taking place in the future. There’s no “futuristic” technology. Everyone dresses in the latest 1971 fashions. Everyone drives the latest 1971 automobiles. Though the decision may have been motivated by the film’s low-budget, the lack of the typical sci-fi trappings serves the film well. The Last Child does not take place in a sleekly designed future and it doesn’t takes place in an apocalyptic wasteland. Instead, it takes place in a world that is just as shabby as you would expect a world controlled and decorated by a government bureaucracy to be. It’s a gray dystopia, populated by people who have given up their individuality. It’s a world that’s visually boring by design and that makes it all the more disturbing.

The Last Child is an effective and well-acted film. It probably feels more plausible today than it did when it aired back in 1971. In many ways, with its portrait of unfeeling government officials and bland authoritarianism, it’s the perfect film for the age of COVID. Indeed, the government’s policy of refusing to provide life-saving care for people over the age of 65 is reminiscent of what many pundits advocated for at the height of the COVID pandemic. As for the film’s one child policy, that too is a concept that has become recently popular with many American academics. Among many members of the so-called “elites,” there’s a definite need to try to control people and that very real need is what makes The Last Child so disturbingly plausible. In The Last Child, sanctuary is found in Canada. Today, of course, Canada is at the forefront of the euthanasia trend. Of course, in 1971, the Prime Minister of Canada was Pierre Trudeau and not Justin.

Pierre Trudeau’s personal motto was “Reason before passion” and that’s certainly the philosophy that fuels the dystopian society at the center of The Last Child. It’s a film that holds up today as both a thriller and a prophecy,

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 1.3 “The Prince/The Sheriff”

Posted on September 27, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1996. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

Welcome to Fantasy Island! Is everyone smiling?

Episode 1.3 “The Prince/The Sheriff”

(Directed by Phil Bontelli, originally aired on February 11th, 1978)

The third episode of Fantasy Island is about two men searching for a simpler way of life.

Peter D’Antonoli (Dack Rambo) is the prince of the nation of Andoli. As Mr. Roarke explains it, Peter is on the verge of becoming one of the last true monarchs, someone who not only wears a crown but who sets governmental policy. Peter has never known what it’s like to be one of the common people and he feels that he should give it a try before he takes power.

Mr. Roarke arranges for Peter to get a job on a fishing boat. Apparently, there’s a small fishing village located near the Fantasy Island resort. I’m just three episodes into the original series and I have to admit that I’m already confused about about how Fantasy Island operates. The pilot and the first two episodes suggested that Fantasy Island was a magical resort that belonged exclusively to Mr. Roarke. But, with this episode, it is revealed that there is a fishing village near the resort and that the blue collar fisherman resent all of the people who hang out at the resort. So, is Fantasy Island actually a nation, one that has many different village and an economic class system? Is Mr. Roarke the president? Has Fantasy Island been invited to join the United Nations? And why is the Fantasy Island fishing village full of people who look like they belong in a second remake of The Fog? Is Fantasy Island near New England? Is it off the coast of Maine? Seriously, this is a confusing place.

Anyway, Mr. Roarke arranges for Peter to get a job on a fishing boat, where he befriends a fisherman named Jamie (Ed Begley, Jr.). Jamie immediately notes that Peter must be new to the fishing industry because his hands don’t have any callouses. Jamie explains that he’s been a fisherman his entire life. (So, did Jamie grow up on the island?) Peter learns about generosity from Jamie and about rejection from Chris Malone (Lisa Hartman). Peter falls in love with Chris as soon as he meets her but Chris has lived a tough life and she doesn’t want to marry someone who is just a fisherman. Peter struggles to explain that he’s actually a prince. Chris doesn’t believe him. Peter says that there are things more important than money. It leads to a big argument but fear not! Things work out for everyone. Chis becomes a princess. Peter learns humility. And Jamie gets a new boat and remains trapped on the island….well, okay. Things worked out for almost everyone.

Meanwhile, John Burke (Harry Guardino) is a tough New York cop who wants to go back to a time when there weren’t any liberal DA’s letting criminals out of the street. He wants to be an old west marshal! Mr. Roarke mentions that “the old west fantasy” is Fantasy Island’s top seller. He takes Burke to a western town. Burke asks about the people who live there. “They’re not robots, like in that movie, are they?” No, Mr. Burke, it’s not Westworld! It’s Fantasy Island!

It turns out that the two men who Burke believes murdered his partner had a similar fantasy and they’re living in the town as well! Marshal Burke sets out for revenge but, with the help of saloon owner Julie (Sheree North), he learns that upholding the law with mercy is more rewarding than seeking blind vengeance. Burke and Julie leave the island but fear not. Mr. Roarke is sure that someone else will show up and request the old west fantasy. It’s their biggest seller, after all.

(So, Fantasy Island really was just like Westworld….)

The prince storyline was silly. The old west storyline was also silly but Harry Guardino gave a pretty entertaining performance as John Burke. This episode also featured a visit to the Fantasy Island disco, which I appreciated. Why go to the old west when you can dance?

Next week …. more fantasies!

Film Review: King of Kings (dir by Nicholas Ray)

Posted on April 14, 2020 by Lisa Marie Bowman

The 1961 film, King of Kings, was the final biblical film that I watched on Easter. Like The Greatest Story Ever Told, it tells the story of Jesus from the Nativity to the Ascension. Like The Greatest Story Ever Told, it’s an epic film that was directed by a renowned director. (In this case, Nicholas Ray.) Like The Greatest Story Ever Told, King of Kings also has a huge cast and there’s a few familiar faces to be seen, though it doesn’t really take the all-star approach that George Stevens did with his telling of the story.

Probably the biggest star in King of Kings was Jeffrey Hunter, who played Jesus. Hunter was in his 30s at the time but he still looked young enough that the film was nicknamed I Was A Teenage Jesus. (Some of that also probably had to do with the fact that Nicholas Ray was best known for directing Rebel Without A Cause.) But then again, for a man who had so many followers, Jesus was young. He hadn’t even reached his 40th birthday before he was crucified. As well, his followers were also young while his many opponents were representatives of the establishment and the old way of doing things. It makes perfect sense that Jesus should be played by a young man and Hunter gives a good performance. As opposed to so many of the other actors who have played Jesus in the movies, Jeffrey Hunter is credible as someone who could convince fishermen to throw down their nets and follow him. He’s passionate without being fanatical and serious without being grim. He’s a leader even before he performs his first miracle.

King of Kings is one of the better films that I’ve seen about the life of Jesus. While remaining respectful of its subject, it also feels alive in the way that so many other biblical films don’t. Perhaps not surprisingly, Nicholas Ray focuses on the idea of Jesus as a rebel against the establishment. Ray emphasizes the casual cruelty of the Romans and their collaborators. When John the Baptist (Robert Ryan) is arrested by Herod (Frank Thring), it’s not just so the filmmakers can have an excuse to work Salome (Brigid Bazlen) in the film. It’s also to show what will happen to anyone who dares to challenge the establishment. When Jesus visits John the Baptist in his cell, it’s a summit between two rebels who know that they’re both destined to die for the greater good. When Pilate (Hurd Hatfield) makes his appearance, he’s smug and rather complacent in his power. He’s not the quasi-sympathetic figure who appears in so many other biblical films. Instead, he’s the epitome of establishment arrogance.

As a director, Nicholas Ray keeps things simple. This isn’t Ben-Hur or The Ten Commandments. The emphasis is not on grandeur. Instead, the film is about common people trying to improve the world in which they’re living, while also preparing for the next. Jeffrey Hunter gives an excellent performance as Jesus and, all in all, this is one of the better and more relatable biblical films out there.

Get Christie Love! (1974, directed by William A. Graham)

Posted on April 9, 2020 by Jedadiah Leland

When Captain Reardon (Harry Guardino) discovers that there’s a ledger that contains information that could bring down Los Angeles drug lord Enzo Cortino (Paul Stevens), he decides that the best way to get the ledger is through the drug lord’s mistress, Helena Varga (Louise Sorel). To get Helena to betray Cortino, he’s going to have to discover what makes her tick. He’s going to have to send someone undercover to find out all there is to know about Helena. It’s time to get Christie Love!

Teresa Graves plays Christie Love, a tough and beautiful woman who is also the best undercover cop in Los Angeles. She goes from busting a serial killer (played by Ron Rifkin) and investigating Helena’s life. Along the way, she deals with by-the-book superiors, incompetent assassins, and hapless bureaucrats. She throws one killer bellboy off of a hotel balcony and she lets a crook know that, “You’re under arrest, sugar!”

Get Christie Love! was an attempt to a do a made-for-TV version of a Blaxploitation film and the results are mixed. While the movie features the expected car chases and a handful of fights, it’s still limited by what was considered to be acceptable for prime time in 1974. Pam Grier may have blown someone’s head off in close-up in Coffy but, in Get Christie Love!, the camera always cuts away as soon as Christie throws her final punch. Teresa Graves is likable as Christie Love but, unlike the best Blaxploitation heroes, she’s working inside the system and she never has any mixed feelings about being a cop. The fight scenes are particularly disappointing because they’re edited in such a way that it’s obvious that most of the work was being done by the stunt crew. The best scenes are not the action scenes but the ones that emphasize Christie’s intelligence and that feature her doing old-fashioned detective work, investigating Helena’s life and putting the clues together.

Get Christie Love! was enough of a rating success that it led to a short-lived television series. It’s historically significant because it was the first hour-long drama to feature an African-American female in the lead role. (It was the second series to do so overall, after Julia, which starred Diahann Carroll.) The show only lasted a season but it achieved pop cultural immortality when, years later, Quentin Tarantino used it as a reference in Reservoir Dogs.

Scenes That I Love: Harry Meets The Mayor From Dirty Harry

Posted on May 31, 2019 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Today, we wish a happy 89th birthday to the one and only Clint Eastwood!

At this point of his career (from which he says he is now semi-retired), Clint Eastwood has become an American icon. In many ways, his persona epitomizes all of the contrasts and extremes of the American experience. A political conservative who specializes in playing taciturn and rather grouchy men, he is also one of our most humanistic directors, specializing in films that often question the traditional view of history and morality. He may have first become a star in Europe but Clint Eastwood is definitely an American original.

In honor of his birthday, I’m sharing a scene that I love from 1971’s Dirty Harry. In this scene, Detective Harry Callahan (Clint Eastwood) meets the Mayor of San Francisco (John Vernon). The mayor is concerned that there’s a psycho on the loose, gunning people down and demanding money. Callahan’s annoyed that he’s spent a lot of time sitting in a waiting room. Things pretty much go downhill from there.

There’s so much that I love about this scene. Both Eastwood and Vernon do a wonderful job playing off of each other. The Mayor may be in charge of the city but Callahan probably didn’t vote for him. One thing that I especially love about this scene is the look of annoyance that crosses Harry’s face whenever he’s interrupted.

And, of course, there’s that final line! Eastwood does a great job explaining Harry’s “policy” but ultimately, it’s Vernon’s “I think he’s got a point,” that provides the perfect closing note.

Happy birthday, Mr. Eastwood!

The First Police Story: Slow Boy (1973, directed by William A. Graham)

Posted on May 29, 2019 by Jedadiah Leland

Long before The Wire, Homicide, Chicago PD, NYPD Blue, or even Hill Street Blues, there was Police Story.

Co-created by cop-turned-writer Joseph Wambaugh, Police Story aired on NBC from 1973 to 1978. It was an anthology series, with each episode following a different member of the LAPD as they deal with crime and social issues in Los Angeles. For its time, it was ground-breaking in its realistic approach to the life and work of the police. Interestingly, the show wasn’t always blindly pro-cop. Often the cops featured were deeply flawed and the war on crime was frequently portrayed to be unwinnable. Over the course of its run, Police Story was a regular Emmy nominee and won the award for Best Drama Series in 1976.

Police Story started, in 1973, with a two-hour TV movie. At the time it aired, the pilot was called Stakeout but it has since aired in syndication under the title Slow Boy. Vic Morrow stars as Sgt. Joe LaFrieda, a plainclothes detective who can’t keep his marriage together but who can take criminals off the street. LaFrieda is the second-in-command of a special squad of detectives who specialize in watching and taking down high-profile criminals. Their methods frequently come close to entrapment but they usually work. Their current target is Slow Boy (Chuck Conners), the son of a mafia chieftain, who enjoys robbing stores. When LaFrieda’s first attempt to put Slow Boy in jail is thwarted by a liberal judge and departmental bureaucracy, he and the squad come up with a second, less-than-legal plan to take Slow Boy down.

Considering the involvement of Joseph Wambaugh, it’s no surprise that plot is secondary to exploring the day-to-day lives of the blue-collar cops trying to take Slow Boy down. The heart of the movie is in the scenes of the cops shooting the breeze and trying to keep each other amused during length shakeouts. Their humor is often grim and the fascinating dialogue is cynical, dark, and, even by today’s standards, surprisingly raw. One of the detectives (played by Harry Guardino, who specialized in loud-mouth city cops) is an unapologetic racist. Though he gets a comeuppance of sorts, the way the film and the rest of his squad handle his racism will undoubtedly make modern audiences uncomfortable, even if it is authentic to the era in which Slow Boy was made.

The underrated Vic Morrow gives one of his best performances as the tough but sympathetic LaFrieda, who is bad at everything but his job. He is ably supported by a host of familiar character actors. Ed Asner plays LaFrieda’s reactionary lieutenant while Sandy Baron is great in the role of an informant. Diane Baker was also perfectly cast as LaFrieda’s potential girlfriend. (She first meets the detective while Slow Boy is holding a gun to her head.) Finally, Chuck Conner is as intimidating as always as the sadistic Slow Boy.

Slow Boy is a tough and uncompromising police procedural and it provided a great start for Police Story. Reruns of Police Story currently air on H&I on Sunday morning.

An Olympic Film Review: Goldengirl (dir by Joseph Sargent)

Posted on February 13, 2018 by Lisa Marie Bowman

The 1979 film Goldengirl is a film that I had wanted to see ever since I first came across this trailer on one of the 42nd Street Forever compilation DVDs:

Wow, I wondered. What was Goldengirl’s secret and why was she ordering James Coburn to kiss her feet? For that matter, why did James Coburn have a haircut that made him look exactly like this old lady who used to live next door to my grandma in Fort Smith? What did it all have to do with the villain from The Spy Who Loved Me and just how drunk was Robert Culp when he shot his scenes? Even more importantly, why did Goldengirl keep running into that wall? That looked painful!

I did some research. (That’s a fancy way of saying that I looked the movie up on Wikipedia.) I discovered that Goldengirl was made in 1979. It was originally meant to be a television miniseries that would not only air during the 1980 Summer Olympics but which would feature Goldengirl competing at those Olympics! However, during production, it was decided to just use the material for a feature film instead. (Hmmmm, I thought, behind-the-scenes drama! Intriguing!) The film was released in June of ’79 and, despite one rave review from Vincent Canby in the New York Times, the film failed at the box office. Add to that, the U.S. ultimately boycotted the 1980 summer games, which made Goldengirl‘s Olympic-set climax a bit awkward.

I also discovered that Goldengirl is nearly impossible to see. It’s never been released on DVD or Blu-ray or any digital or streaming service. So, I resigned myself to the fact that I’d probably never see Goldengirl and, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I really didn’t care that much.

However, for the past few days, I have been absolutely obsessed with the Winter Olympics. Even though it was a Summer Olympic movie, I decided to go on YouTube and see if anyone had uploaded Goldengirl since I last checked.

And guess what?

They had!

Now, here’s the problem. The two guys who uploaded Goldengirl also talked over the entire movie. Don’t get me wrong. The movie looked about as good as a VHS copy of a movie from 1979 is ever going to look. And I could still follow Goldengirl‘s story, even if I sometimes had to really strain to hear the dialogue over the two guys “commenting” on it. Still, it meant that I had to put a bit more effort into watching this movie than it perhaps deserved. It was kinda hard not to resent that.

Anyway, I have finally seen Goldengirl and I can now tell you that it’s a pretty lousy movie. Goldengirl is Goldine (Susan Anton). Her father is a German scientist who used to work for the Nazis. When he came to the United States, he decided to prove that his theories of eugenics were correct by adopting a daughter and breeding her to be the world’s greatest athlete. Working with a psychiatrist named Dr. Lee (Leslie Caron, for some reason), they have not only turned Goldine into the world’s greatest athlete but they’ve also turned her into a bright, smiling media personality. (Dr. Lee has trained Goldine, through the use of a vibrator, to always give the right answer when she’s asked a question.) Now, they just need Goldine to win three gold medals at the Summer Olympics and for PR agent Jack Dryden (James Coburn) to make Goldine into a star. Dryden is the only person who really cares about Goldine as something other than an experiment or a way to make money.

Goldine spends almost the entire movie running. There’s one running montage that seems to go on forever. Susan Anton was a model when she was cast as Goldine. She’s got the right look to be a celebrity but she’s never convincing as an Olympic-class athlete. Whenever Goldine competes, we either get a close-up of Anton running in slow-motion with no other runners around her or else a long-shot that’s designed to keep us from noticing that Anton isn’t really on the track.

Really, that’s entire film. On the basis of the trailer, I was expecting that Goldengirl would turn out to be a robot or something like that. Instead, it just turns out that her stepfather has spent years injecting her with vitamins and hormones and now, as a result, she has diabetes. Seriously, that’s it. She gets pretty mad when she finds out that her handlers have put her health at risk just so she could win a race. But then she goes ahead and runs the race anyway so I guess it was all for the best. Seriously, that’s the entire freaking movie. It doesn’t help that Anton’s acting is amateurish and the rest of the cast seems bored. Only Curt Jurgens really makes much of an impression, mostly because he’s too sinister not to be memorable.

The trailer is better than the movie. That’s the secret of Goldengirl.