Mind My Wife”

Posted on May 22, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week’s cruise proves that you never knew who you would see on The Love Boat as both Jill St. John and Ron “Horshack” Pallilo set sail for adventure.

Episode 4.17 “Lose One, Win One/The $10,000 Lover/Mind My Wife”

(Dir by Jack Arnold, originally aired on January 31st, 1981)

I have often said that the least believable thing about The Love Boat has been its portrayal of Doc Bricker (played, in likable but mild-mannered fashion, by Bernie Kopell) as being a legendary seducer. This week’s episode, however, features something that is even less believable. Ron Pallilo (yes, Horshack from Welcome Back, Kotter) plays Casper Martin, the world’s most successful lover.

Yes, seriously.

Now, in the show’s defense, everyone points out that Casper is a bit on the …. nerdy side. Gopher even calls him a nerd and if there’s anything that Gopher knows about, it’s being a nerd. But apparently, women are supposed to find Casper to be irresistible. (Speaking for myself …. uhmm, no.) Though Casper himself doesn’t know it, he boards the ship just five sexual encounters away from setting the world record. On the first day of the cruise, he takes it down to just being two encounters away. (SERIOUSLY — WHO TAKES A CRUISE AND HAS SEX WITH HORSHACK!?) Casper’s friend, Tony Streeter (James Darren), works for The Encyclopedia of World Records and is keeping track.

But then Casper meets the equally quirky Norma Kittredge (Gina Hecht) and falls in love and decides that he’s ready to settle down. Will the record never be broken!?

Meanwhile, another passenger — Nick Rondo (Steve Marachuk) — is convinced that rich Priscilla Hensley (Dorian Lopinto) is actually Penny, a girl that he went to high school with. It turns out that he’s right but Priscilla is lying about her background so that she can marry a rich snob named Buckstone Cooper (Sam Chew, Jr.). Who will Penny pick? Blue collar Nick or snobbish Buckstone? Do you really have to ask?

Finally, Doc is excited because his old friend, Dr. Charlie Wilson (James MacKrell) has booked a cruise with his wife, Sandy (Jill St. John). Unfortunately, Dr. Wilson has to back out of the cruise to perform surgery so Sandy sails alone. Charlie asks Doc to look after his wife and Doc agrees. However, Doc soon comes to fear that Sandy is interested in more than just friendship. (Yes, this is the cruise where Horshack gets laid while Doc — for the first time ever — tries to resist temptation.) No worries, Doc! Sandy is more interested in Captain Stubing than her husband’s best friend.

This episode was a bit on the dull side. Perhaps if Barbarino or even Epstein has taken the cruise instead of Horshack, things would have been a bit more entertaining but, as it was, this cruise didn’t make much of an impression. Even the usually reliable Jill St. John seemed to be a bit bored by the whole thing. Hopefully, next week’s episode will have something for everyone.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 4.16 “Gopher’s Bride/Love with a Married Man/Not Tonight, Jack!”

Posted on May 15, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week’s cruise did not make me want to set course for adventure.

Episode 4.16 “Gopher’s Bride/Love with a Married Man/Not Tonight, Jack!”

(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on January 24th, 1981)

This week’s episode is all about cabins.

For instance, Jack Clayton (Patrick Wayne) invited his girlfriend of four weeks, Helen Mann (Trish Stewart), to join him on the cruise without telling her that they would be sharing a cabin. Sorry, Jack — Helen doesn’t go for that sort of thing! Jack is kicked out and spends most of the cruise trying to find some place else to sleep. (He also ends up awkwardly lugging his suitcase around with him.) Eventually, Helen gets some romantic advice from Julie (always a mistake) and decides that it’s not fair to kick Jack out of the cabin that he paid for. She tells him that he can stay in the cabin. Jack’s like, “Finally, let’s get it on!” No, Jack, Helen doesn’t go for that. Instead, she plans on sleeping outdoors for the rest of the cruise!

The two of them work it out eventually. When Jack objects to Helen sleeping outside, even if it means Jack would again have to find someplace else to go, Helen realizes that he actually does care about her and he’s not just interested in sex. They leave the boat together, with Helen promising that she and Jack will always sleep in the same bed from now on. I give their relationship another two weeks or so.

Meanwhile, Kay Tindal (Susan Oliver) wants Ned Beacham (Paul Burke) to come visit her cabin and Ned is sorely tempted because his wife, Margo (Dana Wynter), is such a workaholic. Fortunately, Ned and Margo’s 24th anniversary falls right in the middle of the cruise and it causes Ned to realize that he still loves Margo and it causes Margo to realize that she spends too much time worrying about her career. Ned and Margo leave the ship together while Kay can only watch from the staircase. Ha! Take that, homewrecker!

Finally, Gopher risks his job so that Nicole (Marie Laurin) can stay in his cabin. Nicole is Gopher’s pen pal from Quebec. (Actually, she was writing to Doc and Isaac who, for reasons that are never made clear, signed Gopher’s name to all of the letters.) When Nicole shows up on the boat, Gopher takes one look at her and says that she can stay with him. Of course, it’s against ship regulations for passengers to stay with crewmembers so, in order to keep Captain Stubing from finding out, Gopher tells him that Nicole is a new maid. Gopher ends up doing all of Nicole’s work and Nicole ends up meeting and getting engaged to a passenger named Frank (Paul Gale). Sorry, Gopher!

This was a pretty forgettable episode and it was a bit hard to sympathize with any of the passengers. Jack was a cad. Helen was a prude. Kay was a homewrecker. Ned was a wimp. Margo was cold. Nicole was so self-centered that she didn’t even notice that Gopher was killing himself with extra work to keep her from getting kicked off the boat. I wouldn’t want to be on a cruise with any of these people.

On a slightly positive note, Captain Stubing did ask Vicki if she had done her homework so I now definitely know that Vicki has a tutor and is getting an education while living on the boat. At least I don’t have to worry about that anymore!

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 4.15 “The Trigamist/Jealousy/From Here To Maternity”

Posted on May 8, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, both Doc and Captain Stubing try to get out of doing their jobs.

Episode 4.15 “The Trigamist/Jealousy/From Here To Maternity”

(Dir by Howard Morris, originally aired on January 17th, 1981)

Finally, Captain Stubing has found love!

He is totally smitten with passenger Linda Bradley (Pat Crowley) and Linda seems to like him as well. (Why wouldn’t she? He’s the Captain. No one wants to date the people who are in the bottom of the boat and shoveling coal in the furnace. The Captain is the one who has his own special table.) Stubing is soon spending all of his time with Linda. Vicki gets jealous. Myself, I’m wondering who is steering the boat.

Vicki gets so jealous that Linda eventually picks up on it and breaks things off with the Captain. The Captain is heart-broken but, when a contrite Vicki explains that Linda was just trying to protect her feelings, the Captain cheers up, Vicki agrees to accept Linda as a possible stepmother, and Linda promises to return for another cruise as soon as possible. Will we ever see Linda again? I doubt it. Charo seems to be the only performer who regularly returns to the Love Boat as the same character. We might see Pat Crowley again but she probably won’t be playing Linda.

This storyline, I could relate to. I’m a child of divorce and I’ll just say that I was Hell on anyone who I thought was trying to be either a new father or a new mother to me. So far, at least, the stories about the Captain and Vicki have always been handled well. Gavin MacLeod is always at his best when he’s playing the fatherly side of Stubing.

Captain Stubing is not the only person trying to get laid on this cruise. Doc Bricker — of course! — is eager to spend time with his latest girlfriend, Mona (Rebecca Holden), but he keeps getting summoned by the Talmadges. Betty Talmadge (Murphy Cross) is pregnant and her husband, Arthur (Michael Young), is worried that she’s going to give birth on the cruise event though she’s not due for another 9 weeks. “I was born on airplane!” Arthur yells at one point. Eventually, Doc tells Arthur that he should take up jogging to deal with his nervousness. Arthur ends up breaking his leg as a result. That, at the very least, confines him to his cabin but Doc is now so worried about him that he still can’t find time for Mona. Finally, as the ship docks in Los Angeles, Betty goes into labor.

Finally, Judge Joanne Atkinson (Nancy Walker) boards the ship and is surprised to see that Harrison Harper (George Gobel, who is an even less convincing womanizer than Doc Bricker) is also taking a cruise. The judge previously sentenced Harrison to probation for being a bigamist. The Judge and Harrison fall in love and get engaged. Of course, Harrison is also engaged to five other women. I’m sure it’ll all work out.

This was a weird cruise. The main theme seemed to be that both Doc and the Captain will do anything to avoid actually doing their jobs. Meanwhile, the Judge and Harrison’s relationship appears to be doomed from the start. Getting arrested and being sentenced to probation has done nothing to dissuade Harrison from getting engaged to everyone he meets. Julie looks worried as Harrison and the Judge leave the ship together and I don’t blame her!

As always, the ocean scenery was pleasant and I appreciated the sincerity of the scenes that Gavin MacLeod and Jill Whelan performed together. Still, I was kind of happy when the boat docked this week.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 4.14 “First Voyage, Last Voyage/April, the Ninny/The Loan Arranger”

Posted on May 1, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Oh, hey, Charo’s back.

Episode 4.15 “First Voyage, Last Voyage/April, the Ninny/The Loan Arranger”

(Dir by Roger Duchowny, originally aired on January 17th, 1981)

April’s back!

Played by Charo, April Lopez was one of the few recurring characters on The Love Boat. Whereas other actors appeared frequently but always as different characters, Charo was always April whenever she boarded The Love Boat. The first time she boarded the ship, she did so as a stowaway. The next two times, she boarded as the cruise’s entertainment. This season, however, April boards as someone who has grown tired of show business. When last we saw her, April was in love with a guy named Tex and planning on playing Las Vegas. However, when April boards this time, she quickly informs both Julie and Isaac that she and Tex are no longer a couple and Vegas didn’t work out because she was expected to play her guitar while naked.

(“They could have at least gotten you a cello,” Isaac replies.)

April wants a new career, which she gets when she meets Ty Younger (Larry Linville), who is wealthy but who also has two bratty kids who are always chasing off their nannies. They can’t chase off April, who understands that the best way to calm a bratty child is to grab your guitar and sing to them at night. April gives up show business to become a nanny but I don’t think it’ll last. April is too impulsive to settle down, and Ty’s kids really are the worst. (As well, Charo and Larry Linville didn’t exactly generate a lot of heat in their scenes together.) April may leave the boat with a new family but hopefully, she’ll return alone in the fifth season.

Speaking of the worst, Cindy Simmons (Maureen McCormick) is dying but her parents (Ty Hardin and Kathleen Nolan) haven’t gotten around to telling her yet. Cindy thinks that she’s made a full recovery from her recent illness. Her parents don’t want to upset Cindy but when Cindy meets and falls in love with Paul Harris (Jay Thomas), they realize that they’re going to have to tell Cindy the truth. Poor Cindy! Fortunately, this is The Love Boat and Paul isn’t going to let a little thing like impending death get in the way of romance. I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve seen Maureen McCormick on both The Love Boat and Fantasy Island. For this episode, McCormick does a pretty good job with her role and she and Jay Thomas make for an attractive couple.

“I guess I’m still getting my sea legs,” Cindy says to Paul.

“Your legs look mighty fine to me,” Paul replies.

That’s about as witty as things get on this cruise.

Finally, Joey (Richard Kline) is a mob enforcer who has been sent to collect a debt owed by Tony Patacchio, a gambling addict. However, Joey gets distracted when he meets a woman named Antoinette (Lisa Hartman) who enjoys gambling. Joey falls for Antoinette and, unable to find Tony, he even spends the night in her cabin. Hmmm …. Tony …. Antoinette …. Toni….

Yes, Joey has fallen in love with the person he was supposed to rough up. Fortunately, Joey is willing to fix a poker game so that Toni can win enough of his money to pay off her debt. When Toni realizes that Joey lost his money to her on purpose, she declares that she can’t take his money. “If we were married,” Joey says, “It would be our money.”

Richard Kline is not a particularly believable debt collector. (Tony Soprano would have tossed him in a dumpster.) It’s also strange that his boss would send him to collect a debt without bothering to give him a physical description of the person he was supposed to intimidate. The whole storyline was full of holes but I’m surprised to say that I did end up rooting Kline and Hartman to get together. The two of them had enough chemistry to overcome the fact that their story made very little sense.

Previously, whenever Charo was a guest star, she dominated the entire episode, for better or worse. With this episode, she seems kind of bored with the whole thing, as if Charo was just as fed up with show business as April. Instead, it was Maureen McCormick and Jay Thomas who dominated the episode with Richard Kline and Lisa Hartman also getting their share of good scenes. It makes for a bit of an uneven episode but I defy anyone not to feel something when Paul declares that he wants to spend the rest of Cindy’s life with her. Mixing romantic melodrama and goofy comedy is what made The Love Boat a treasure of American pop culture.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 4.13 “Isaac’s Teacher/Seal of Approval/The Curse of Dumbrowskis”

Posted on April 24, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Get ready for a very odd cruise!

Episode 4.13 “Isaac’s Teacher/Seal of Approval/The Curse of the Dumbrowskis”

(Dir by Bob Sweeney, originally aired on January 10th, 1981)

This is a weird episode.

Harriet (Florence Henderson) boards the ship with her husband, Harold Rogers (Jeffrey Tambor). Now, the idea of Florence Henderson and Jeffrey Tambor as a married couple may sound strange but it’s even stranger when you actually see it. Henderson and Tambor have absolutely zero chemistry together. Tambor looks more like Henderson’s no-good stepson than her husband.

Harriet is convinced that she is destined to die at an early age so she continually pressures Harold to find a woman that he can marry after she’s gone. In fact, Harriet thinks that maybe Harold could marry another passenger on the boat, Cindy (Christina Hart). Harold is getting frustrated with the pressure that Harriet is putting on him to find a new lover. Doc Bricker suggests that maybe Harold should make Harriet jealous by cheating on her with Cindy. What? I mean, I’m not surprised that Doc would make that suggestion but it is a bit odd that the show itself seems to think that this is a good idea. Harold goes along with the idea because, even if Harriet doesn’t get jealous, he’ll still get to sleep with Cindy. Wait. What?

Harriet is okay with Harold cheating on her until Harold says that he wants to give her favorite necklace to Cindy. Harriet realizes that she’s not okay with Harold giving her jewelry to his adulterous lover and she decides that she’ll no longer pressure Harold to find a new wife. They leave the ship with their marriage stronger than ever. Doc saves the day!

Meanwhile, Karen (Georgia Engel) boards the boat and immediately falls for Oscar Tilton (Donald O’Connor). Now, as mismatched as Florence Henderson and Jeffrey Tambor are, they seem like soulmates compared to Georgia Engel and Donald O’Connor. For one thing, O’Connor appears to be about 20 years older than Georgia Engel. Secondly, Donald O’Connor’s ebullient style clashes wildly with Georgia Engel’s inability to speak above a whisper.

Oscar is an entertainer who is traveling with his seal, Shirley. When Shirley sees that Oscar and Karen are falling in love, Shirley gets jealous and throws herself overboard. She leaves behind her rubber ball, apparently as a way to taunt Oscar. Oscar is depressed. How can he do his act without Shirley? Karen encourages him by telling him that he doesn’t need the seal to be entertaining. Gopher even helps out by playing the horns that Shirley would have played had she not jumped into the ocean….

I am not making this up.

Anyway, good news all around. Shirley survives jumping into the ocean and swims back to Oscar’s beach house. Shirley shows up when the boat docks in Los Angeles. Oscar tells Shirley that Karen is going to be a part of his life from now on. Shirley claps her fins, indicating that she approves.

NO, I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP!

All I can say is thank goodness for Lillian Gish. Gish plays Mrs. Williams, who boards the boat with her hulking nephew (Reb Brown). Mrs. Williams is also Isaac’s former teacher. Isaac is insecure about just being a bartender and pretends, with Gopher’s help, to be the ship’s first officer. Captain Stubing is not amused. Isaac tells Mrs. Williams the truth and Mrs. Williams replies that she is proud of Isaac, no matter what he does for a living.

Awwwwwwww!

This was a really simple story but it was sweet. Lillian Gish’s natural class provided a balance to Jeffrey Tambor cheating on Florence Henderson and Donald O’Connor’s seal trying to scare off Georgia Engel. And Ted Lange — seriously, episodes like this remind the viewer of how lucky The Love Boat was to have him. Yes, everyone knows that pointing thing that he does. But Lange also played Isaac as being a genuinely nice guy. I don’t drink but if I did, I would want Isaac to be my bartender.

Again, this episode was weird but at least it gave Lillian Gish and Ted Lange a chance to shine.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 4.12 “Doc’s Dismissal/A Frugal Pair/The Girl Next Door”

Posted on April 17, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, Doc’s in trouble!

Episode 4.12 “Doc’s Dismissal/A Frugal Pair/The Girl Next Door”

(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on January 3rd, 1981)

Carl (Lew Ayres) and his wife, Violet (Janet Gaynor), board the boat in a good mood. Carl has just retired from the post office and they’re about to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. Awwwww! Carl and Violet are the sweetest couple ever, frequently referring to each other by pet names. They’re also very frugal. Violet brings her own tea bag on board. Carl turns down a bottle of champagne. They are a nice old couple who know the value of pinching a penny.

But, on the morning of their anniversary, Violet tells Carl a secret and everything changes. It turns out that Violet has been buying stock for years. She based her purchases on whatever pet name Carl used for her that day. If the name started with a G, she bought General Motors. If it started with an S, she bought Standard Oil. Once, Carl used a name that started with a “Z,” and she bought stock in Xerox. She explains that she didn’t know how Xerox was spelled at the time. (So, how did she buy the stock?) Anyway, the important thing is that Carl and Violet are rich and they have been for several decades.

Carl is upset by this news. If he had known he was rich, he wouldn’t have spent years at the post office! I see his point though, to be honest, they’re not that rich. The total stock portfolio is only worth $200,000. Still, Carl and Violet stop speaking to each other. Julie, Isaac, and Gopher jump into action and throw them an anniversary party, which causes Carl and Violet to remember how much they love each other.

Meanwhile, Charley Cole (Sal Viscuso) tells Pam Madison (Lynda Goodfriend) that he’s with the CIA so that she’ll let him stay in her cabin so that he can spy on his girlfriend (Denise DuBarry) and the guy (Stephen Shortridge) with whom she is cheating. Got all that? This storyline was incredibly dumb but it was saved by the frantic performance of Sal Viscuso, who managed to make even the lamest of lines seem funny.

Finally, Sally (Jessica Walter) boards the ship with her lout of a husband, Hank (Alex Cord). Hank is the type of jerk who looks at other women while his wife is sitting right next to him. Complaining of a headache, Sally goes to Doc Bricker’s cabin for some aspirin. Doc, who has witnessed Hank’s bad behavior, is sympathetic to Sally. Later, Sally tries to make Hank jealous by saying that Doc hit on her when she went to see him.

Angered, Hank calls the captain and accuses Doc of sexually harassing his wife. The Captain is forced to suspend Doc from his duties until an investigation can be launched. The crew is shocked. Doc would never hit on a patient, they all say. Except, of course, Doc does exactly that every single episode! Seriously, Doc is a walking HR nightmare. (Fortunately, for Doc, he was played by the always likable Bernie Kopell.) When the captain makes it clear that Doc could be fired and lose his medical license, Sally admits that he never hit on her. Doc keeps his job and somehow, all of this fixes Sally and Hank’s marriage. Later, Gopher and Isaac joke about how Doc got in trouble for the one time he “didn’t hit on a passenger.” Gopher and Isaac aren’t blind to what’s happening.

This was a surprisingly effective episode. Lew Ayres and Janet Gaynor were adorable and Jessica Walter’s intense, method performance as a desperately unhappy wife provided a good change-of-pace from all of the usual Love Boat goofiness. Even with all of the CIA nonsense, this was an entertaining cruise.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 4.11 “That’s My Dad/Captive Audience/The Captain’s Bird”

Posted on April 10, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Merry Christmas!

Episode 4.11 “That’s My Dad/Captive Audience/The Captain’s Bird”

(Dir by Allen Baron, originally aired on December 20th, 1980)

It’s time for the Love Boat’s annual Christmas cruise and, appropriately enough, this cruise is all about family.

For instance, Captain Stubing has decided that the perfect Christmas gift for Vicki would be a parrot. After the bird is brought on board, Stubing decides that the perfect place to hide it would be in Gopher’s cabin. Gopher goes along with this because it’s something of a miracle that he hasn’t been fired yet. I mean, when you’ve screwed up as much as Gopher has, you’re not really in a position to argue with your boss. The only problem with all of this is that the parrot won’t talk. Stubing isn’t happy about that so Isaac and Gopher try to teach the bird to sing a Christmas carol. Instead, the bird starts saying, “Captain Stubing is a jerk!” Uh-oh!

Meanwhile, singer Bobby Braddock (Jack Jones, who sang The Love Boat theme song) boards the ship with his wife, Susan (Laraine Stephens). What Bobby doesn’t know is that his father, Richard (Allan Jones), and his mother, Lil (Dorothy Lamour), are also on the ship. Bobby got his start as a part of Richard’s act and Richard has never forgiven Bobby for going solo. Julie, Lil, and Susan all hope that they can bring father and son back together again. Needless to say, Richard doesn’t appreciate being tricked into boarding a boat with his son. He grimaces while listening to Bobby sing Winter Wonderland and then storms out of the lounge when Julie asks him to join his son on stage. Merry Christmas, I guess!

Still, as bad as Bobby Braddock has it, it’s nothing compared to what’s going on with young Scotty (Meeno Peluce). Looking to escape an abusive life at home, Scotty sneaks on board the ship by telling the crew that another passenger, Jeff Dalton (Dirk Benedict), is his father. Scotty then proceeds to follow Jeff around the boat. Jeff has no idea that everyone thinks that he is Scotty’s father. When Jeff meets a woman and politely tells Scotty to scram, the crew is scandalized. When Stubing sees the bruises on Scotty’s back, he assumes that Jeff is responsible.

Well, don’t worry. Things may look bleak at the halfway mark but everything works out in the end. Jeff realizes that maybe he would like to be a father to a random runaway. Richard realizes that he can forgive his son for wanting to make his own way. Crew members dress up like Santa Claus and Vicki has a happy holiday on the ocean.

You know what? This was a silly episode but I enjoyed it. I’m a sucker for Christmas episodes and this one had enough comedy and drama to keep me entertained and the story involving Scotty and Jeff even touched my heart a little. This was definitely a cruise worth taking.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 4.10 “Boomerang/Captain’s Triangle/Out of This World”

Posted on April 3, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week’s cruise is all about adultery and aliens!

Episode 4.10 “Boomerang/Captain’s Triangle/Out Of This World”

(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on December 13th, 1980)

When Donna Dayton (Pamela Sue Martin) boards the boat, Julie immediately notices her wedding ring and asks if Mr. Dayton will be following her. Donna explains that she’s not married. She just wears the ring to keep sleazy men from hitting on her.

Julie is shocked. What if Donna meets someone on the boat!?

Donna says that she has no intention of meeting anyone.

Can you guess what happens next?

Donna meets Scott Hanson (Barry Van Dyke) and it’s love at …. well, not quite first sight. In fact, Donna is weary of Scott because Scott is on the cruise with his oafish best friend, Lance (Guich Koock, who has a great name if nothing else). When Lance tries to hit on Donna, Donna shoots him down. When Scott apologizes to Donna, it leads to them dancing together and then later spending a day in Mexico. Scott repeatedly says that their relationship cannot continue once the cruise is over. Even after Scott spends the night in Donna’s cabin (which was kind of a rare occurrence on this show because The Love Boat was usually a surprisingly chaste show), Scott says that he can’t be with Donna.

Finally realizing that she’s still wearing her fake wedding ring, Donna tells Scott, “I’m not married!”

“But I am,” Scott replies.

DAMN! When did The Love Boat get so dramatic? When the ship returns to Los Angeles, Donna gives her wedding ring to Julie and announces that the next time she wears a ring, it’ll be because she’s married.

Wow, that was depressing. Fortunately, the other two stories are a bit less serious.

For instance, Captain Stubing’s friend, Brad (Monte Markham), boards the boat with his wife, Monica (Sue Ane Langdon). Monica soon starts to hit on Stubing, which leads to Stubing spending all of his time hiding on the bridge. Doc Bricker, naturally, offers to sleep with Monica. Fortunately, Stubing figures out that it’s all Brad’s fault and he tells Brad that he needs to spend more time with his wife. Brad agrees and later learns that Monica just wanted to have an affair because she was insecure about turning 40. But once Brad starts to pay attention to her again, Monica decides not to cheat on him. Sorry, Doc!

Finally, in perhaps the silliest Love Boat storyline ever, Martin Fallow (Tom Smothers) is a science fiction fan who is convinced that his local librarian, Elinor Green (Helen Reddy), is an alien from the planet Romulac. Martin explains to Gopher that Elinor turns into a plant at night and only eats other plants. Elinor proceeds to eat a flower while Isaac, Gopher, and Martin watch.

Elinor later confesses to Isaac that she is not an alien but she’s been pretending to be one because she knows that Martin is obsessed with science fiction. Okay, that makes …. well, that actually makes no sense whatsoever. Elinor thought she could get Martin to love her by pretending to be a plant and …. actually, Martin does fall in love with her so I guess her plan worked. This was such a weird story. Fortunately, it was also a lot of fun. With all the talk of adultery, it was good to have something that was just incredibly silly to serve as a counterbalance.

This was an enjoyable cruise. Pamela Sue Martin and Barry Van Dyke had so much chemistry as the forbidden lovers that I really did feel bad that they couldn’t be together. And the alien stuff was dumb but fun. This was a cruise that truly had something for everyone.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 4.9 “She Stole His Heart/Return of the Captain’s Brother/Swag and Mag”

Posted on March 27, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

The Stubing Brothers are together again!

Episode 4.9 “She Stole His Heart/Return of the Captain’s Brother/Swag and Mag”

(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on December 8th, 1980)

This week, Captain Stubing’s no-good brother — Marshall Stubing — returns! That means that it is once again time for Gavin MacLeod to put on a toupee and a fake mustache and to play a dual role. (And, once again, he is credited as O.D. Warbux when playing Marshall.)

This time, Marshall is actually on the boat with the best of intentions. He wants to marry Natalie Martin (Arlene Dahl) and, amazingly enough, Natalie wants to marry him as well. Except — oh no! — it’s Zsa Zsa Gabor! Gabor plays Marshall’s ex-girlfriend. The character has a name but we’ll just call her Zsa Zsa because she’s basically playing herself. Marshall is certainly tempted by Zsa Zsa but, in the end, he does the right thing and he marries Natalie. In fact, the third Stubing brother, Milo Stubing (Sonny Wilde), shows up for the wedding. Wait a minute, Sonny Wilde? OH MY GOD, IT’S GAVIN MACLEOD IN ANOTHER WIG!

Gavin MacLeod plays three characters in this episode and let’s give him some credit. It’s all very, very silly and Zsa Zsa Gabor is not for everyone but Gavin MacLeond pulls it off. (Admittedly, there is one awkward scene where Merill has a conversation with Marshall and it’s obvious that no one told MacLeod where the other version of him would be standing so, as a result, Merrill appears to be looking over Marshall’s head while speaking to him but even that is kind of charming in its low-rent way.) Gavin MacLeod appears to be having fun in this episode and that was definitely the correct approach to take to this show. It keeps the story entertaining, even though not that much really happens with it.

As for the other stories …. eh, who cares? I mean, when you’ve got Gavin MacLeod talking to himself and Zsa Zsa Gabor making a grand entrance into every scene, do you need any other stories? Okay, okay, I’ll still talk about them, even though neither one is really that interesting.

Joan Van Ark plays a kleptomaniac from Oklahoma who falls for a psychologist played by Stephen Keep Mills. Whenever she flirts with him, she ends up walking away with his wallet or his wristwatch. Fortunately, they find romance and good mental health together. The doctor could have just called the police and had her arrested but that would have made for a depressing ending.

Darryl Brewster (Ron Ely) is Vicki’s favorite actor. He plays private detective Steve Swaggart on television. Swaggart can win any fight but when Darryl is challenged to a real fight by another passenger (William Boyett), Darryl ends up trying to pay the guy off. The passenger reveals Darryl is a coward and, for a while, everyone is disillusioned. But then Darryl gives a speech about the difference between playing a brawler and being one and everyone forgives him, including his agent and soon-to-be lover, Maggie (Erin Gray). The big problem here is that we’re asked to believe that Stubing would allow two passengers to schedule a fistfight on his ship without any repercussions. That would be the sort of thing that I think would get most captains fired. Obviously, Merrill was pre-occupied with his brothers but that’s really no excuse for putting the cruise line in legal jeopardy.

In short, it may be time to fire Stubing and let Gopher take over.

We’ll see if Stubing has gotten any better at his job next week.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 4.8 “The Baby Alarm/Tell Her She’s Great/Matchmaker, Matchmaker Times Two”

Posted on March 20, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week …. stuff happens!

Episode 4.8 “The Baby Alarm/Tell Her She’s Great/Matchmaker, Matchmaker Times Two”

(Dir by Ray Austin, originally aired on November 29th, 1980)

This episode opens with Doc, Gopher, and Julie all angry with Isaac. Apparently, while they were on shore leave, they went to see a church production of MacBeth, one that starred Isaac’s Aunt Tanya (Isabel Sanford) as Lady MacBeth. Apparently, the play was terrible and Aunt Tanya was even worse and somehow this is Isaac’s fault.

(Myself, I’m more confused by the idea of a church doing a production of MacBeth.)

Isaac, however, has one more favor to ask. Aunt Tanya is going to be a passenger on the next cruise, along with her husband, Charles (Mel Stewart). Isaac begs everyone to tell Tanya that she was great in the play. Everyone acts as if this is the most difficult thing that they’ve ever been asked to do but they finally agree. Even Captain Stubing agrees, even though he wasn’t at the play.

(Again, I’m confused as to why everyone is so upset over having to be polite to Isaac’s aunt. Were they all planning on throwing tomatoes at her and booing when she boarded the ship?)

All of the praise goes to Aunt Tanya’s head and, halfway through the cruise, she decides to leave her husband and go to Hollywood to be a star. Isaac finally has to tell Tanya that she’s not a good actress and that he had to beg his co-workers to be nice to her. Good Lord, how bad could she have been? The important thing, though, is that, by crushing Tanya’s dreams and confidence, Isaac is able to save the marriage.

Speaking of marriage, Mr. and Mrs. Clark (Troy Donahue and Terry Moore) think that it would be great if their son, Brett (Lorenzo Lamas, who looks nothing like either Troy Donahue or Terry Moore), married his friend-since-childhood, Cathy Cummings (Melissa Sue Anderson). Cathy’s parents (Farley Granger and Joan Lorring) agree! Brett and Cathy get so annoyed with all of the matchmaking going on that they decide to pretend that they’re sleeping together just to freak out their parents. And it works, despite the fact that the parents wanted them to get together in the first place. I guess the parents expected them to hold off on having sex until after the wedding. Get with the times, you boomers! Anyway, having fake sex causes Cathy and Brett to fall in love so I guess there will be real sex in the future …. but only after they say, “I do!” Dumb as this storyline was, Lorenzo Lamas and Melissa Sue Anderson were really cute together.

Finally, Cynthia Bowden (Susan Howard) boards the boat with her adorable baby. The baby has a sixth sense. If he cries, Cynthia knows that any nearby man is no good. For instance, no good Gig Wayburn (Stan Sells) is only interested in one thing and the baby cries as soon as he enters the cabin. Good, baby! Fortunately, when the baby’s father, Bill (John Reilly), shows up on the boat, the baby doesn’t cry at all and it leads to a happy reunion between him and Cynthia.

This week’s episode was pretty bland and I actually found myself struggling to remember much about it while writing up this review. Some cruises are like that, I guess.

Oh well….

….

Personally, I think I’d make a kickass Lady MacBeth.